Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Let's see, Hemingway, Tolstoy, Dickens.

Oh, there's my iPad.

Thank God. Some nerd must've been using it.

Hi, everybody.

You know how when you go on Hulu to watch Family Guy,

you got to scroll past a bunch of little boxes?

Well, it turns out, those are other TV shows.

TV shows that I'd never heard of

until they step up onstage to accept their Emmy,

for which we were not nominated.

Well, tonight, we're gonna click on three of them.

This first one has Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez.

So, if you were born in 1950 or 2005,

you're gonna see your favorite actor.

Now, please enjoy Only Murders in the Building.

♪

[intense club music playing]

Drink it. It's just pop.

There's a pill on top.

Oh, wait, it's gone now.

♪

No, no, no, no. This isn't a dark Netflix show, all right?

Our murders are solved by the Father of the Bride.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know, maybe learn to be a better host.

All four of your guests are sound asleep.

[elevator bell dings]

-Hello, Charles. -Hello, Oliver.

This is the type of banter the show's known for.

[elevator bell dings]

-Who's that? -I don't know, but she's got

430 million followers on Instagram.

Ah. What's Instagram?

What's Insta-- How on earth are we on a streamer?

[elevator bell dings]

Brr. Ugh, let me just shake off

this obviously fake,

"only on the shoulders" New York snow.

You guys all coming from the Statue of Liberty, too?

[elevator bell dings]

Man, what a great day to be and stay alive.

Wow, really? Back-to-back elevator scenes?

Yeah, this show is, like, 40% elevator.

Well, good night.

-[Peter screams] -[elevator bell dings]

My goodness, what happened here?

Sorry, folks, there was an only murder in this building.

Ooh, a murder. I've got goosebumps.

-Me, too. -Yeah, those are shingles.

You're 70. I told you to get the shot, you dope.

Well, looks like they don't want people meddling in there.

What do you think, should we banjo our way in?

No, no, no, no, that's for your time, not our time.

He had one inside.

-[all gasp] -It looks like someone tried to eat him.

Do you think it was someone in the building?

I think I know who did it.

It must've been my creepy next-door neighbor, Jeff.

Dahmer? Jeffy D.? Really? But he's so cool.

You don't understand,

I can hear screams coming from his apartment.

Look, Glenda, we appreciate your concern,

but Jeff is just a harmless weirdo.

So what if he watches a lot of horror movies

and cooks a lot of pork chops?

We all picked up weird hobbies over the pandemic.

I'm telling you, there's something bad

going on in apartment 2B.

Uh-huh. Look, thanks for stopping by,

but why don't you leave this investigation

to the non-professionals?

Hey, didn't you get reprimanded by the co-op board

for being inappropriate with the doorman?

The third-party arbitrator said it's not illegal

to tell someone when you're going to the gym. Good day.

Question: Should we exploit this tragedy with a podcast?

Somebody say "podcast"?

If you guys are doing a murder pod, I want in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what makes you think

you're qualified to make a murder podcast?

I'm a millennial woman with nothing else going on.

Uh, crap, she's got us there.

Bland, 30-year-old women

are the Navy SEALs of murder podcasting.

What do you think? Do we include her?

Well, we do need someone

-who can turn the computer on. -[both] You're in.

♪

All right, our neighbor was murdered in cold blood,

and he deserves justice.

There's no time to waste.

We must decide what our podcast voices are going to be.

I was thinking of...

taking...

unnatural pauses where...

normal people don't... take them.

Yeah, I thought I could speak way too close to the microphone

with a very wet mouth.

[smacks lips] Mm.

I can be the female on the podcast

who laughs at everything the guys say.

Do they always have one of those?

[laughs] That's hilarious.

-[laughs] -We're good to go.

-Where do we start? -Well, wasn't Glenda

trying to tell us something about Jeff?

Maybe we should follow up on that.

Jeffrey Dahmer? Of course. He always has great ideas.

That's right. He sent that great email

about how to get blood stains out of your power tools.

Let's see what he thinks.

Hi. Oh, uh, sorry.

I was... making pork chops.

Hey, Jeff. So sorry to bug you,

but you haven't heard anything about Tim's murder, have you?

What...? Tim's dead?

But he was so delicious. I mean, young.

I mean, I-I haven't heard anything.

Aw, nuts. Well, we're worried the killer might strike again,

so here's a list of vulnerable people

in the building who live alone.

Would you mind keeping an eye on them?

A lot of them don't have families.

If something happened to them, they would not be missed.

Uh, yeah, sure.

[laughs] I will definitely do something like that.

Say, anybody have a spare bone saw charger I could borrow?

Ugh, man, those things are so easy to lose.

If I had a nickel, you know?

I do. I know about nickels.

Uh, I see your naked roommate

is trying to climb out the window.

Looks like you've got your hands full.

If you hear anything, give us a ring-a-ding-ding, eh?

Are you out of your minds? Jeffrey is obviously the killer.

Didn't you see the blood on his shirt?

And look at the garbage he left in the hallway.

-[flies buzzing] -[person coughs]

So he's a little messy. That's no reason to point fingers.

I don't believe this.

All the clues are right in front of you. Can't you see?

You know what I see? I see a hostile neighbor

who's emotionally unstable and prone to outbursts.

Why, that fits the profile of a murderer.

[grunting]

[scoffs] Look how many people are out here in bathrobes.

I know it's the middle of the night,

but, come on, make an effort.

You're making a mistake.

The murderer is obviously Jeffrey Dahmer,

and he'll kill again.

[laughs]

No, no, no, no. Not Netflix. Hulu ending.

♪

Statue of Liberty, my good man.

So, Jeff, is there a Mrs. Dahmer?

-Ew. No. -[drink fizzing]

Oh, Jeff brought suspiciously fizzy roadies.

Here's to a murder well solved.

♪ New York, New York, it's a wonderful town ♪

♪ The Bronx is up, and the Battery's down ♪

♪ The people ride in a hole in the ground. ♪

Hi, there. Our next show answers the question:

What if you could walk into a drugstore

and test yourself for AIDS

right next to a shelf full of leftover Valentine's candy?

Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy The Dropout.

♪

So, you can probably tell from my Razor scooter

that I'm in tech.

I even got a scooter for the building.

Yes, of course, and I love your hip, modern offices.

Thanks. I didn't want my employees' ideas

constrained by old paradigms

like "walls" and "desks."

[farts]

So, what are your qualifications?

Well, I dropped out of Stanford after six days.

All I heard was Stanford.

Now, this idea of yours, does it "rupt"?

No. It disrupts.

Tell me everything.

Well, I believe every person deserves to know

which Sex and the City character they are.

And until now, the only way to find that out

was to either draw a full gallon of blood

or take a lengthy BuzzFeed quiz.

You mean, there's a better way?

With just one drop of blood, my device can tell you

if you're a Samantha, a Miranda,

or even Magda, the uptight housekeeper.

Ms. Holmes, I can easily say

that's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Oh, really? Well, what if I

[deep voice] pitch it like this?

Oh, my God. This is a complete game "stay the samer."

I mean, game changer. That-That's the good one.

Tell you what, if you pitch it one more time

with your eyes really wide like a lunatic owl, I'm in.

Science.

[person farts]

[toilet flushes]

I'm thinking maybe one wall.

♪

Thank you all for joining me on this exciting journey.

And you're all here on the ground floor.

I decided to name the company

after our two founding principles:

quizzes and diagnosis.

-I'm so excited! -This is going great.

I helped set up the projector.

Our mission is to develop a machine

that can run diagnostic tests

with just one drop of blood.

I got it to work with two drops.

Two drops is garbage. You're fired.

Get out of my office.

Now, I don't have to tell you

just how groundbreaking it is for a woman

to be running a company like this in Silicon Valley.

Sorry I'm late, I was disrupting the toilet.

Don't mind me, I don't even work here,

but I am now your king.

Everyone, this is Sunny.

He's a middle-aged man I met in India when I was a teenager.

He is my father figure, business partner, mentor, lover,

-and we share a Hulu password. -Uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp.

Like I was saying, Elizabeth is definitely in charge.

Also, we're pivoting away from Sex and the City

and doing Sopranos characters instead.

[normal voice] What? No, n--

[deep voice] No. No. No. That's not--

All right, back to work. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna google where to put your outside leg

during office couch sex.

Oh, of course. Never would've thought of that.

Elizabeth, can I see you on the office couch for a moment?

♪

How's the Sopranos blood profiler coming along?

Still not working.

It says I'm the horny priest who has lunch with Carmela,

and... that's just... th-there's no way.

But we got the big presentation for Walgreens tomorrow.

This isn't CVS, where they throw you out

for staring at the Maybelline posters too long.

Can you get it working by tomorrow?

Honestly, I'm a little over my head here.

I applied for a receptionist job,

and you guys put me back here.

-What are we gonna do? -We just need to get

to the next round of funding.

The machine doesn't have to really work,

they just have to think it works.

Are you saying we do fraud?

No, no, no, it's not fraud

because the machine works in my head.

If I think it works, then it works.

That's the Silicon Valley motto.

Just let me and Elizabeth worry about the presentation.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we're gonna go get in our self-driving car

and mow down dogs all the way home.

♪

[chuckles] Well, thanks for having us, Ms. Holmes.

We think your product might be a great addition

to our chain of drugstores.

Just keep in mind, I may have to duck out

if somebody needs to get into the eyedrops case.

Well, we won't take up too much of your time.

I'm sure you are going to find our machine

is a perfect fit for your stores.

Eh, I don't know about that.

We already have a machine from Dr. Scholl's

that tells you whether or not you need Dr. Scholl's.

I don't see medical science

getting much more sophisticated than that.

Gentlemen, people used to say

it was impossible to run tests

on a single drop of blood.

Well, I fired those people and hired new ones.

And now, behold.

[device chimes]

Ooh! Science noise.

With just one drop of blood,

our device can tell you exactly which Sopranos character

you are without having to take a dumb quiz

written by a social media intern.

Why Sopranos?

Because my company

-is like a criminal enterprise. -All right.

And for no particular reason,

I'm gonna be behind this curtain for the entire demonstration.

All we need is a tiny blood sample.

[device chiming]

Ooh, it's doing stuff.

This says, "Artie Bucco." Who's that?

-[Peter] Bald guy at the restaurant. -Oh, yeah.

He and Tony were friends growing up.

Ah, right, right, right.

I'm not sure this machine is for us.

Just a sec, let me, uh, recalibrate something.

[device chiming]

"Tony." All right. Now this is [bleep] Walgreens.

♪

Members of the Quizznos family,

thanks to you, the device is a huge success.

All the Walgreens executives love it.

In fact, the company ordered

an additional 80,000 machines.

I told them we'd have them ready by 2:30 today.

It's 2:05, so... chop-chop.

Wait. I know why people love the machine so much.

It's giving out too many false positives.

Just look at the data.

It's telling everyone they're a Tony.

[chuckles] Look, wh...

when you're blazing new trails,

you are bound to hit

a few speed bumps along the way.

It's impossible for there to be only Tonys walking around.

In an office with this many ponytails,

-there's not one Furio? -[office worker] Who's Furio?

[Peter] He was the hit man from Italy

who Carmela fell in love with in season four.

[office worker] Oh, right, right, right.

Now, now, we've had a few hiccups,

but I assure you, the problem is solved.

The machine is finally giving accurate results.

Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.

[device chiming]

"Meadow's boyfriend Finn"?

But he's the worst one.

[Peter giggles]

Oh, my God, we've been faking the results this whole time.

-Tony? -Oh, cool. I always thought I was a Tony--

No, no. This whole operation has been a sham!

And as for you...

Why did you do it?

Childhood abuse or drug dependency,

I'll-I'll see what my lawyer tells me to say.

Welcome back. Our next show is The Bear

because they wouldn't let us do Pam & Tommy

with Stewie as the penis. Not a joke.

Anyway, here's The Bear, a show of which I am a huge fan.

[Chris] I'm the fan. You've never even seen it.

I know how to make a sandwich and yell at people,

it'll be fine.

♪

-Well, look who's back in town. -That's right.

Sure is weird being back in the old family restaurant

-here in Detroit-- -Chicago.

Chicago, but I am super sad

-about how my daughter-- -Brother.

-Brother committed grand larceny-- -Suicide.

Yep. I-I only watched a trailer.

Anyway, now that he's dead, I can finally fulfill my dream

of turning this place into a Johnny Rockets

and/or the fancy restaurant from Ratatouille.

I kind of feel like you got to pick a direction.

We're doing both.

♪ Great words won't cover ugly actions ♪

♪ Good frames won't save bad paintings ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ We lack the motion ♪

♪ To move to the new. ♪

Yeah. You can tell I'm good at cheffing

because of all the quick edits and loud music.

Mm. The previous chef only cooked

with fewer edits and quieter music,

so, therefore, I resent this change.

Well, get on board 'cause that's how we're doing it now.

Bad news, Chef, we're out of... I...

I don't-- I want to say beef?

Yes, beef.

You people are unbelievable.

Oh, boy, now what do I do?

Well, if you've got any oven jeans to sell,

this is the time.

You told me you had a supply of vintage denim to sell.

This is just a Winnie the Pooh varsity jacket.

You want it or not? I got a lot of people who are interested.

I... [strains]

No. I don't want it.

What if I told you there's condoms

in every pocket of that bad boy?

I'd say you just got yourself 40 pounds of trunk beef.

♪

Wow, Chef, you've really turned this place upside down.

Yes, even I have been reluctantly won over.

Well, it's just in time

for the big Chicago food critic who's coming.

He's the biggest food critic in all of Chicago.

Oh, yeah, they call him "Mr. Chicago Food Guy."

Anyone who gets a bad review from him is executed,

Chicago-style.

Guys, if you didn't want to do The Bear,

just say so, but whatever this is...

All I know is this hectic kitchen of ours

sure is different from the fancy, hoity-toity restaurant

in New York where I used to work,

of which we will now see a flashback.

Is this food tiny enough for rich New Yorkers, Chef?

-Plate bigger, food tinier, Chef. -Yes, Chef.

It should look like two grains of rice served on a door.

Yes, Chef.

You call this tiny food?

This food is enormous.

You're terrible at this, Chef.

I'm sorry, Chef. I'll do better, Chef.

The woman at table 35 wants a sausage for her buns.

That was a sex joke, say "giggity," Chef.

[stammers] Giggity, Chef.

You'll never make it in the New York restaurant scene,

which is understood to be the fanciest even though

when you say "New York," people immediately

-think of street hot dogs. -Yes, Chef.

And where's your hair net?

Oh, I-I thought it was sexy underwear.

-There's no leg holes. -I know.

I just bagged it like grocery store onions.

Juxtaposition.

Anyway, I got us fresh sourdough

for the big Chicago food critic.

No, that was the old way.

We're doing just King's Hawaiian rolls.

I think we should stick with sourdough.

No! Only cake bread!

Wet beef on cake!

That's my Chicago!

Speaking of which, I think it's time for several shots

of an elevated train with a lot of clickity-clack noises.

♪

Chicago!

♪

All right, big day today, Chefs.

Since that critic is coming,

everything needs to go exactly right.

Here he is!

All right, signed photo of Rick Moranis.

Off to a good start.

Welcome to the restaurant from The Bear.

We saved you our best table.

Joe, what-what are you doing here?

Oh, I heard we were doing a special episode,

so I decided to drop in as my favorite

FX-next-day-on-Hulu character:

Raylan Givens from Justified: City Primeval.

You can't just say a bunch of words

and think they make a sentence.

Oh, you kidding me? It's huge on Hulu.

Top 100 for sure. Easy.

At least top 200.

-Easy. -Joe, get out of here.

I'm trying to get a baby critic to like my wet beef.

Oh, I'm so sorry, then just say that.

All right, good news, while you two were messing around,

I tried all the food.

And I'm going to give a great review to The Bear.

Okay, time-out. What is "The Bear"?

Wha--? Is this restaurant "The Bear"?

-Am I "The Bear"? -I-I thought the idea was

restaurant ownership, you know, more generally, is "a bear."

Oh, okay, all right, that makes sense.

Chris, you've seen the show.

Who or what is "The Bear"?

Well, your last name is "Berzatto,"

so "bear."

Okay, so it is me. I'm Bear.

People call me "The Bear"?

Yeah, they kind of don't though.

But in season two, there's a restaurant

also called "The Bear."

All right, so I'm feeling like you have not answered

my question at all, but just so I'm clear:

I'm the main guy, right?

I-I'm the guy who sort of looks like a hot Gene Wilder?

-Oh, does he? -Yeah. Yeah, let's pull him up.

See, look at that, can't you see,

like, a kind of CrossFit Willy Wonka?

[Stewie] No, no, we're not taking shots at hi.

He's an FX-next-day-on-Hulu star.

Let's bring up the MyPillow guy.

[Chris] He looks like a guy whose Discover card just bounced.

[Peter] Or a guy who takes solo trips to Thailand.

[Cleveland] That guy your mom dated too soon after the divorce.

[Joe] The driver's ed instructor you've heard whispers about.

[Chris] He's definitely burned his hand on a Benihana grill.

[Lois] The reason nine women have just broken their silenc.

[Stewie] He looks like he belongs in the front

and back seat of a police car.

[Joe] He looks like a guy who boards in Group 3

even though he's in Group 8.

[Lois] He looks like a guy who's not allowed to talk

to his wife's sister.

[Peter] Or a male nurse that interrupts

a family's final moments.

Maybe this, maybe this is "The Bear."

I don't get why you're dead-set against doing this show.

What are you afraid of?

I don't know. I'm-I'm just confused by all of it.

When I was a kid, it was just ladies that cooked.

And guys with tattoos lived on ships.

Okay? That's what makes sense to me.

This has been Da Bear.

Well, we hope you had fun tonight

with some of Hulu's best offerings.

I know we sure did.

But before we go, let's take a moment to remember

some of the streaming services that are no longer with us.

♪ I will remember you ♪

(audience cheering)

♪ Will you remember me? ♪

(audience clapping)