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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:33,282 Andrew, you butt licker, where are we off to? 2 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:34,764 Ah... 3 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,005 SHE LAUGHS 4 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,370 The night's young. 5 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:38,446 Yeah. 6 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,242 it�s just your last film was absolutely brilliant. 7 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,689 Ah, never mind! 8 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,721 See you later! LAUGHING 9 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,280 It wasn't that funny. 10 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,002 Yeah, I know. 11 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,166 But with those cheekbones and that film career, 12 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,723 I'd happily find his farts fucking hilarious. 13 00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,647 Of course you would. 14 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,321 Hi. Taxi to 40B Kenyon Street, Fulham, please. 15 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,201 Fulham! That's 20, my friend! 16 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,365 Just for a second there I thought it's not like you 17 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,844 to be that full of shit. But then I remembered, it is. 18 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,119 You want the taxi? 19 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,888 No. No, actually I'll have two taxis. 20 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:18,205 Two 20 taxis to 40B Kenyon Street, Fulham, please. 21 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,240 That's 40! 22 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,883 Yeah, it is, isn't it? 23 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,523 You don't want to go with him? 24 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,845 What if you do go with him, but he sits in the back? 25 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,278 No, thanks. I hate to think of His Holiness here 26 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,525 having to share a cab with the kind of whore who laughs at her client�s jokes 27 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,083 just to make them happy. 28 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,723 Or, has sex with Dr Two-Scenes at her birthday party instead of him! 29 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,488 - What? - Oh, that's what this is about, isn't it? 30 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,964 That's what it's been about all bloody week. 31 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,160 Oh, don't flatter yourself! 32 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,485 Who cares which sad salsa dancing, low-rent, bit part 33 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,487 glorified extra in some, basically, really bad drama series you went to bed with? 34 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,043 - I couldn't give two shits! - No, course. That's obvious... 35 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,046 (Shouting) ..don't you think, everyone? 36 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,842 Yeah. Actually, I don't want that cab to go to Kenyon Street. 37 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,358 Right... At one in the morning, where else do you want it to go? 38 00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:00,446 I don't know. A lap-dancing club? An all-night garage? A 24-hour Tesco's maybe? 39 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,889 Tesco's, Cromwell Road? That's 15. 40 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,318 Maybe I'll take the cab and shag one of my clients like you! 41 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,167 Oh, really? Well, in that case, it's a shame Dr Two-Scenes is taken 42 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,564 - cos he was a brilliant shag. - Oh, he's taken, is he? 43 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,725 Oh, you know what I mean. 44 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,079 I do. You said he's taken. Who by? You're going out with him, are you? 45 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,280 Are you having a relationship with Dr Two-Scenes? 46 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,366 What? I am not not going out with Dr Two-Scenes. 47 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,003 - It was just a one-night... - Yeah, you had a drunken one-night stand 48 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,439 with that talentless tosser and now you're thoroughly ashamed of yourself. 49 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,242 Oh, I'm ashamed, am l? 50 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:32,122 OK... Hi. Can I get a taxi to Colchester, please? To go and see Dr Two-Scenes. 51 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,558 Who I may or may not be having a relationship with. 52 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,044 I'll probably decide tonight... after one of his brilliant shags. 53 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,649 Can you have a ''brilliant shag'' in Colchester? 54 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,044 I thought great sex stopped around the M11. 55 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,478 - You're not really going, are you? - I fucking well am. 56 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,043 Colchester, 150! 57 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,046 I'm going to need to stop at a cashpoint. 58 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,001 - And probably an off-licence. - Two-Scenes is a total loser! 59 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,847 Yeah, yeah. He is, isn't he, 60 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:57,358 with his good looks and his semi-regular appearances on TV, 61 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,367 not to mention a three-bedroom house with a massive garden, 62 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,878 which in no way compares to your rented room in a frigging maisonette?! 63 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:07,841 Your frigging maisonette! It belongs to you! it�s your name on the deeds. 64 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,926 So who's the loser now, Helen? Yeah? 65 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,961 l think it's probably you, if you think about it, Alex. 66 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,367 He only got that house cos he inherited it from his auntie! 67 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,403 Hi, could I have that cab to Kenyon Street, please, 68 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,281 now that she's gone to Colchester? 69 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,605 You're not going anywhere, you cock dribble, 70 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:33,447 except for a little congratulatory drinkie with Uncle Steve. 71 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,878 - And your Uncle Dan. - Who are we congratulating? 72 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,125 Me, cunty! I'm getting married, and you're going to be my best man. 73 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,399 STEVE LAUGHS 74 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,486 No-one's ever asked me to be their best man before. 75 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,646 - I'm actually really touched. - Well , don't be. I only asked you 76 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,999 because I've run out of friends after all my divorces. 77 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,200 - Oh. - And Dan just said no. 78 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,684 Sorry, but I'm not going through all that shit again. 79 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,368 - What shit? - Which wedding were you? 80 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,923 - The air hostess. - Aw, dear Ludmilla. 81 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,483 - Ivanka. - Well, something asylum seeker-ish. 82 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,566 She urgently needed to stay in the country and I urgently needed 83 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,248 to renew my membership of the mile high club. 84 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,883 Botty sex in business class. What a wedding night! 85 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,529 Ow! 86 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,083 Shit. 87 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,768 Oh, no! 88 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,244 Oh, um... Sorry, excuse me. 89 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,928 Um, I�ve just realised I don't want to go 90 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,358 to Colchester to shag that doctor. 91 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:33,958 I want to go to... Ruislip to see my dead boyfriend. 92 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,123 I think it is in Middlesex or Hertfordshire or somewhere. 93 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,760 Just follow the signs. The... You'll see signs for it. 94 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,640 I'm marrying the latest Mrs Caudwell on Saturday and l... 95 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,806 - Saturday?! - Yes, of course. 96 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:54,477 - Marry in haste, as the saying goes. - What about repenting at leisure? 97 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,600 Oh, absolutely. I love the repenting. 98 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,527 I love the going down on your knees and begging for forgiveness. 99 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,322 - Right. - But most of all, I love the punishing... 100 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,804 Guys, what are we going to do about a stag night? 101 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,682 This is my stag night, you smeg collector! 102 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,800 You, me and Daniel. The lads! 103 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:16,637 On a good old boys' night out at Madame Wendy's Suck 'n' Fuck Club! 104 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,521 STEVE LAUGHS 105 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:22,118 T-There's always that curry house round the corner. That's open pretty late. 106 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,445 Wendy, my darling! A bottle of your wildly overpriced champagne, 107 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,878 a phial of the amyl nitrate de maison 108 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:33,080 and some oral, without, to start, please. And the same for my friends here. 109 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,723 - Oh, actually... - Now, you chaps can have your oral 110 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:40,125 at the table, or if you would prefer, it's nice and cosy through there. 111 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,524 A fuck dungeon! Rather! 112 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,527 Are you sure this is a good idea, Stephen? I mean, come on, 113 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,481 - what would your fiancee say? - Oh, good point! 114 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,327 I'm not sure. Perhaps I should ask her. 115 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,202 Darling, our best man, Alex here, was wondering what you'd say to us 116 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,923 grabbing a quick gobble off one of your lovely ladies? 117 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,404 I'd say, ''''It's Monday night, business is slow. 118 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,441 ''Help yourself to as much head as you want!'' 119 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,322 We are going to give you gentlemen an evening to remember! 120 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:12,440 I�ve just remembered, I can't be your best man next Saturday. 121 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,322 - Oh, why ever not? - I haven't got a baby-sitter. 122 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,565 Oh, bring your babies. 123 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,328 What's a wedding if there aren't any kiddies around? 124 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,645 Some of mine are coming. Maybe all of them, actually. 125 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,680 I must remember to ask their mothers. 126 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,088 I can't believe I haven't married a prostitute before. 127 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,598 I mean, dur! What was I thinking? Come on, then! 128 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,406 Isn't Dan coming to the party? 129 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,361 No, man. It's a personal rule of mine. 130 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,798 I never pay for sex... except on the Internet. 131 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,125 Of course. Well done, you(!) 132 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,638 Eh, look, I... (Evening!) I, um... 133 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,726 I would love to come to the... 134 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:49,602 you know, fuck dungeon for some oral-based whatever, but what a twat! 135 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,129 I've come out without my wallet. 136 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,240 Well, it's a jolly good thing that you're not paying, isn't it? 137 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,644 Come on! ALEX SIGHS 138 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,487 Oh, stop being such a spoilsport! 139 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,123 This might be the last stag night I ever have! 140 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,246 WHIPS CRACKS Oh, yes! 141 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,201 WHlP CRACKS Aaaah! 142 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,247 KNOCKING 143 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,724 You're shut? 144 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,999 Yes, I'm sorry, madam. We're not one of those all-night crematoriums. 145 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:25,325 But crematorium-nums should never close. Like Tesco's. 146 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,645 I mean, what do you think I'm going to do? Run off with some ashes? 147 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,999 Like I'm an illegal composter or something? 148 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,802 I get a kick out of sprinkling strangers on my flowerbeds? 149 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,602 I just really want to see my fiance. 150 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,879 You know, or his plot or whatever. 151 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,000 Just for a minute. Just a little minute. 152 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,245 - Where's his headstone? - What? 153 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:53,998 We have the remains of 165,000 people here over 25 acres of land. 154 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,757 Where did they bury your fiance�s ashes? 155 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,684 Shit. Good question. 156 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,209 Um... 157 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,279 It was a year ago, you know? 158 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,844 It was a difficult day. I had a lot to drink. 159 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,846 Um... 160 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,721 DOOR SHUTS 161 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,127 You didn't go to Colchester, then? 162 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,362 Yeah, and I didn't go and shag one of my clients. 163 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,321 In fact, I ended up paying a Russian girl 164 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:29,997 who insisted her name was Tiffany a hundred quid not to have sex with me. 165 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,279 - It was Stephen's latest stag night. - Well, that's OK, then. 166 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,446 He's marrying a prostitute next Saturday. You're invited. 167 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,322 Yeah, I know. I'm going to get myself a hat. 168 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,440 Or a gimp mask, maybe. That might be more appropriate. 169 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,004 I'm delivering the best man's speech in a latex body stocking, if that helps. 170 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,768 - So, you're the best man? - Yeah. 171 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,323 I thought he was going to ask Dan after I said no. 172 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,167 HELEN YAWNS 173 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,999 What happened to the Petes? Don't tell me you're replacing them 174 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,245 with a few life-size photos of Dr Two-Scenes. I'd have to move out. 175 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,485 - Maybe you should move out. - Blimey! Sorry, it was a bad joke. 176 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,646 Put some photos up of the doctor, if you want. 177 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,965 In fact, I've got about 350 of him back in the office 178 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,728 posing like a retouched Ewan McGregor. 179 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,329 They're only postcard-size, but you could do a collage. 180 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,202 No, seriously. I think we should both move out. I'm going to sell the flat. 181 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,843 There's too many memories. I need to make a fresh start somewhere else. 182 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,085 I need to give up this frigging job of ours. 183 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,484 You're right, you know? I'm just full of shit, 184 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,487 blowing smoke up my clients' arses for a living. Who needs it? 185 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,918 Your clients need it. They depend on it. 186 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,404 I mean, we're talking about some of the most creative arses in town. 187 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,486 Please don't leave the agency. Don't leave me with all those fuck-ups. 188 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:43,078 We are those fuck-ups, Alex! Those fuck-ups are exactly who we are. 189 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,200 OK, just don't leave me alone with all those other fuck-ups. 190 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,604 Seriously... I mean, what else are you going to do? 191 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,084 God knows. Charity work? 192 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,518 I thought about training as a therapist once. 193 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,401 I wouldn't mind you being a therapist. 194 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,759 At least that way we'd still get to see each other. 195 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,044 Yeah, hi. Yeah, I'm ringing about your ad for a room in your flat 196 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,126 even though I'm living in a perfectly good one 197 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,877 at the moment that actually has an en suite fucking bathroom! 198 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,568 - Helen�s just handed me her resignation! - Yeah. 199 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:19,442 This wouldn't have anything to do with me inviting her on our honeymoon 200 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,208 as the character Helene Depardieu, 201 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,127 our trusty servant slash orgy-loving harlot, would it? 202 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,479 No, it's more to do with her being desperately lost 203 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,327 and unhappy after the death of her fiance. 204 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,440 Oh, good. I'd just hate to think I'd gone too far this time. 205 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,083 Oh, actually, Stephen, I was just starting to think about my speech. 206 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,439 Not masses to go on in terms of your early years. 207 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,162 Anyone I could talk to for a few childhood anecdotes? 208 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,962 My headmaster could tell you some stories. 209 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,921 As long as you don't mind popping over to the paedo wing at Parkhurst 210 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,040 - to hear them from the old nonce... - Ah, do you know what? 211 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,046 Or my first drug dealer. 212 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,558 Lucy Lick It! You could try ringing her! Not her real name, by the way. 213 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,646 The reason we called her that at Cambridge was... 214 00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,965 Emma, I'm pretty sure I've got a meeting now. 215 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,000 No. 216 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,927 (Woman) Alex? 217 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,404 Oh, hi, Sarah... 218 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,009 Having a party? Can I come? 219 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,882 No, I'm just... I'm best man at my boss's wedding and he sent me 220 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,602 in there for table decorations. 221 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,640 So, who's your boss? Max Mosley(?) 222 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,760 Well, not far off. 223 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,482 - Shall I take that? - Eh, no. 224 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,168 I've been waiting so long for you to ask me out again 225 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,405 I might as well get one. 226 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,486 - You've got one, haven't you? - Have l? 227 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,964 Oh... I just had this dim sort of... 228 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,558 When we were at uni, didn't you buy a vibrator? 229 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,964 Oh, you remember! How touching! 230 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,205 Yeah, my vibrator's about 15 years old now. 231 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,320 They grow up so fast, don't they? 232 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,440 - Maybe I should get an upgrade. - Absolutely. 233 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,560 So, if you remember so much about my ancient dildos etc, 234 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,885 why can't you remember to call me, you bastard? 235 00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,523 I don't know! 236 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:11,240 What draws you to the idea of training as a therapist? 237 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,280 I'm a writer's agent, so, you know... 238 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:17,037 I mean, I pretty much am a therapist. My job is just like yours 239 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,604 except you don't have to pretend to like your patients' movies. 240 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,766 - Have you ever been in therapy yourself? - God, no! 241 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,323 HELEN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Joke. 242 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,002 Even when you lost your fiance? 243 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,927 Oh, no, I had therapy then. Yeah, red wine therapy. 244 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,086 Lots of it. Worked a treat. 245 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:39,439 - That's funny. - Thank you. 246 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,049 Do you always use humour as a defence mechanism? 247 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,797 Guilty! Well, not guilty. I mean, I'm not... I don't feel guilty. 248 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,806 I've got nothing to feel guilty about. 249 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,608 Helen? 250 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,762 God, I bet you get to hear some scary shit in here, eh? 251 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,562 HELEN SNIVELS 252 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,726 So, are you going to be a shrink, then? 253 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,761 No, no. I definitely need a shrink, though, apparently. 254 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,880 Just for ten years or so and then I should no longer be a fruit-loop. 255 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:15,046 I wouldn't count on it, but it gives you something to aim for. 256 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,365 Exactly! D'you know the other great thing about being a mental? 257 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,878 She reckons that now isn't the time for change and upheaval, 258 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:25,125 - so I'm going to stay at CMA! - Bloody hell. That's a bit selfish. 259 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,922 Who's going to be my therapist now it's not going to be you? 260 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,199 Well, I could put a good word in with mine. 261 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,082 I, er...I told her all about you, by the way. 262 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,359 Aw, I couldn't afford ten years of therapy. 263 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,446 20, I'm afraid. She reckons you're twice as fucked up as me. 264 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,322 Wow, she's good. That's about right. 265 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,565 Er...I'll wait in the car. 266 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,839 Oh, you don't have to. I'll get a taxi. 267 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:50,438 No, it's all right. You'll only end up not going to Colchester or something! 268 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,526 Um, Alex, I was talking 269 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:56,163 to the therapist about the whole ''you moving out'' thing. 270 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,519 Oh, that's all right. That's OK. I'm fine with it. 271 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:03,084 Um, well, the thing is, I'm not because... 272 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,484 It's sorted. I'm going to move in with Sarah. 273 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,600 - You're what? - Yeah, Sarah Stephens. 274 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,368 She's got a spare room in her house. There's no en suite, 275 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,003 - but there is a garden. - Are you totally fucking mad? 276 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,404 I think we�ve established 277 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,918 that I'm 100% more totally fucking mad than you, yeah. 278 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,722 Look, I'm not stupid, Helen. I'm not going to move in with someone 279 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,567 I want to have a relationship with...again. 280 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,282 I'm going to take next week off and move my stuff. 281 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,878 Do you need a week? Couldn't you move the whole bin bag in your tea break? 282 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,682 I just thought it would be good for us to get... 283 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,402 a bit of distance. 284 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,725 Oh, yes, certainly let's get some of that. 285 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,647 Get as much of that as you want. Is this enough for you? 286 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,169 How about this? 287 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:46,237 All right, what did your sodding therapist say about me moving out then? 288 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,644 She said you were a tosser. 289 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,919 A knob. She said you were clearly a massive twat 290 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,483 and I was lucky to be shot of you. 291 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,043 Wow, the potty mouth on those Jungians. 292 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,921 You are such a prick. 293 00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,608 I wasn't talking about him. 294 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,686 Pete's not a prick. Well, he wasn't. 295 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,289 Well, he was sometimes , you know? 296 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,639 Like anyone, for God's sake. 297 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,442 That's the prick I'm talking about. 298 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:22,880 Hi, Dad! 299 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,247 Ow! Thanks for looking after them this morning. I really appreciate it. 300 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,008 No problem. I had a week's worth of Jeremy Kyles to catch up on 301 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,370 so we just watched all of them. 302 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,605 - Oh, good. - Get a job! 303 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,607 Dad? Can I never go round Emma's house again, please? 304 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,527 Sure. We might not mention this to Mum, OK? Hey, how are you feeling? 305 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,163 Any last minute doubts? It's only natural. 306 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,326 The only doubts I've got are about you, you clit licker. Now fuck off! 307 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,440 Shit. What got into him? 308 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,924 I booked us into a hotel that didn't have a porn channel. 309 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,847 You twat! Stephen can never get to sleep 310 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,278 without watching a few hours of Red Hot Cum Lovers. 311 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,320 Everybody knows that. 312 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,281 I tried downloading porn onto my BlackBerry... 313 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,923 It's not the same. Screen size obviously is an issue. 314 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,404 And the audio. Though what's weird is I enjoy wanking with an iPhone, 315 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,759 which I imagine is something to do with the touch screen. 316 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,887 Sorry I'm late! 317 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,798 Wendy. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on! 318 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,840 This is my mother, you pillock. 319 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,767 Alex is a theatrical agent, like Stephen. 320 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:51,846 Hi! 321 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,756 I am sorry. Mummy doesn't really approve of show business. 322 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,164 And weeing on middle-aged men for money? Is she OK with that? 323 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,519 I should hope so. She did it for long enough. 324 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,004 - Look after those bridesmaids. - Hello. 325 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,324 Hello. 326 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,884 - Just through here, thank you. - Thank you. 327 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,568 I promise to love and care for you. 328 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,078 I promise to be faithful to you always. 329 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,768 GlGGLING 330 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,959 Sorry. 331 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,126 I'm know he'll do his best. 332 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:26,283 I promise to walk with you in sorrow and joy, 333 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,400 in illness and old age. 334 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,803 Did you promise all that to Mum? 335 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,329 MOUTHS 336 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,167 Why did you lie, then? 337 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,723 Ssh! 338 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,681 HELEN TlTTERS 339 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,809 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 340 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,125 The two of them naked and oiled 341 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,320 and giving it to each other with a strap on? 342 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,440 Exactly. 343 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,287 No. That's not what I was thinking. 344 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,968 That's a shame. 345 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,524 Can I give you a word of advice, old cunt. 346 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,606 You've been given a second chance, don't fuck it up. 347 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,683 On the other hand, if you do fuck up your second chance, 348 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,607 try not to fuck up your third. 349 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,686 Or your fourth. 350 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,727 Five chances is... 351 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,601 all you can hope for these days. 352 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,802 Although, thinking about it, I'm up to about eight or nine, so... 353 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,765 Don't fuck up. 354 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,450 - Hi. - Hi. 355 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,521 How was your week? Did you move out all your stuff all right? 356 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:43,844 Yeah, yeah. 357 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,199 Plugged in my new Currys iPod dock on the the first night, 358 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,525 then spent the next six days unpacking both my T-shirts. 359 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,526 Your kids are really cute. 360 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,686 Although the little one did tell me I had a cracking arse. 361 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,846 Well, you do. So, at least he's inherited 362 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,483 his dad's great taste in arses. 363 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaking of which, how's Sarah Stephen's arse? 364 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,528 Are you still not having sex with it? 365 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,083 Or any other part of her anatomy? 366 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,643 Please, you know a gentleman never tells 367 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,283 whether or not he's fucking his flatmates. 368 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:12,889 So you are. 369 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,284 I've only been there a week. 370 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,002 All you need is 20 minutes, from what I can remember. 371 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,689 Er, well, all right. 372 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,607 Doing the maths... Um, yeah, you're absolutely right, 373 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,641 I'd shagged her 700 times times by about Wednesday. 374 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,885 Had you? 375 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,807 No, I hadn't. 376 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,766 It was just the once. 377 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,483 Usual pattern. 20-minute shag and then... 378 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,600 12 hours of embarrassment and mortification. 379 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,648 And then another shag. 380 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,321 To be honest. 381 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:05,604 OK. 382 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,729 OK. 383 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,363 OK, fine. 384 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,958 I had sex with Dr Two-Scenes and you had sex with Sarah, so... 385 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,364 we're definitely one-all in the meaningless shag stakes. 386 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,605 Well, technically it's two-one, but... 387 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,640 I did it twice with Sarah, and you... 388 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,487 Yeah, call it a draw. 389 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,680 Just do the decent thing and dump her...in a nice way. 390 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,289 You can have your old room back and we can forget any of this... 391 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,684 - I can't do that. - Yes, you can. 392 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,482 I can't! I can't go on walking out on people. 393 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,646 Leaving when it just gets too difficult. 394 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,718 The boys really like Sarah. What am I saying to them 395 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:41,885 if I dump her like I did their mother? 396 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,000 I suppose you're saying, 397 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,961 sorry, kids, I only shagged Sarah because Helen wouldn't shag me, 398 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,967 so it's probably not the best reason to make her your stepmother. 399 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,648 Sex changes everything. 400 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,567 Once you've had sex with someone 401 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,203 you have to at least offer to go out with them. 402 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,400 It's the rules. 403 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,122 Well, it's my rules. 404 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,445 Night, then. 405 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,083 That's who I am, Helen! It's like your therapist said, 406 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,280 I'm twice as fucked up as you, you're lucky to be shot of me. 407 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,798 That's not what my therapist said. As a matter of interest... 408 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:16,727 Well, she didn't really say anything because they don't do they, quacks? 409 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,408 Apparently, for a thousand quid an hour or whatever, 410 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,122 it's far too much to expect any answers to your problems. 411 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,842 You just get a load of questions. 412 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,676 How did you feel when this person cried after having sex with you, Helen? 413 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,164 Do you think this person leaving his family means 414 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,962 this person is a bad person, Helen? 415 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,444 If you think he's a good person, 416 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,844 why do you feel so guilty about liking this person? 417 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,245 I wish I'd met you before Pete, OK? 418 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,440 I know I shouldn't say it, but it's true. 419 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,640 I wish I had met you before Justin the fucking city boy 420 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,328 I wasted my twenties on, 421 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,565 or Philippe the ski instructor, 422 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,646 or Colin the twat who I met in my first year 423 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,078 who was always pestering me to have a threesome! 424 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,239 Where the fucking hell were you, Alex, 425 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,008 while I was pissing my life away on that lot? 426 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,282 You probably don't wish you'd met me before Colin the twat. 427 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,480 I had seriously bad psoriasis in the eighties. 428 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,203 And I'd probably have pestered you to have a threesome, as well. 429 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,485 It's not easy when you realise the person you're most suited to 430 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,964 is an emotional fucking retard! 431 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,800 MUSlC: A Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin 432 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,446 Get the fuck off my dad, you slag! 433 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,006 Could you cunts clear the room now? We need to set up for the disco! 434 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,245 Come on! 36037

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