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1
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:33,282
Andrew, you butt licker,
where are we off to?
2
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:34,764
Ah...
3
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,005
SHE LAUGHS
4
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,370
The night's young.
5
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:38,446
Yeah.
6
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,242
it�s just your last film
was absolutely brilliant.
7
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,689
Ah, never mind!
8
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,721
See you later!
LAUGHING
9
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,280
It wasn't that funny.
10
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,002
Yeah, I know.
11
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,166
But with those cheekbones
and that film career,
12
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,723
I'd happily find his farts
fucking hilarious.
13
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,647
Of course you would.
14
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,321
Hi. Taxi to 40B Kenyon Street,
Fulham, please.
15
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,201
Fulham! That's 20, my friend!
16
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,365
Just for a second there
I thought it's not like you
17
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,844
to be that full of shit.
But then I remembered, it is.
18
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,119
You want the taxi?
19
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,888
No.
No, actually I'll have two taxis.
20
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:18,205
Two 20 taxis to 40B Kenyon Street,
Fulham, please.
21
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,240
That's 40!
22
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,883
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
23
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,523
You don't want to go with him?
24
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,845
What if you do go with him,
but he sits in the back?
25
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,278
No, thanks.
I hate to think of His Holiness here
26
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,525
having to share a cab with the kind of
whore who laughs at her client�s jokes
27
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,083
just to make them happy.
28
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,723
Or, has sex with Dr Two-Scenes
at her birthday party instead of him!
29
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,488
- What?
- Oh, that's what this is about, isn't it?
30
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,964
That's what it's been
about all bloody week.
31
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,160
Oh, don't flatter yourself!
32
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,485
Who cares which sad salsa dancing,
low-rent, bit part
33
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,487
glorified extra in some, basically, really
bad drama series you went to bed with?
34
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,043
- I couldn't give two shits!
- No, course. That's obvious...
35
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,046
(Shouting) ..don't you think, everyone?
36
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,842
Yeah. Actually, I don't want
that cab to go to Kenyon Street.
37
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,358
Right... At one in the morning,
where else do you want it to go?
38
00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:00,446
I don't know. A lap-dancing club? An
all-night garage? A 24-hour Tesco's maybe?
39
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,889
Tesco's, Cromwell Road? That's 15.
40
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,318
Maybe I'll take the cab
and shag one of my clients like you!
41
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,167
Oh, really? Well, in that case,
it's a shame Dr Two-Scenes is taken
42
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,564
- cos he was a brilliant shag.
- Oh, he's taken, is he?
43
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,725
Oh, you know what I mean.
44
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,079
I do. You said he's taken. Who by?
You're going out with him, are you?
45
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,280
Are you having a relationship
with Dr Two-Scenes?
46
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,366
What? I am not not going out
with Dr Two-Scenes.
47
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,003
- It was just a one-night...
- Yeah, you had a drunken one-night stand
48
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,439
with that talentless tosser and now
you're thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
49
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,242
Oh, I'm ashamed, am l?
50
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:32,122
OK... Hi. Can I get a taxi to Colchester,
please? To go and see Dr Two-Scenes.
51
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,558
Who I may or may not be having
a relationship with.
52
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,044
I'll probably decide tonight...
after one of his brilliant shags.
53
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,649
Can you have a ''brilliant shag''
in Colchester?
54
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,044
I thought great sex stopped
around the M11.
55
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,478
- You're not really going, are you?
- I fucking well am.
56
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,043
Colchester, 150!
57
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,046
I'm going to need to stop at a cashpoint.
58
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,001
- And probably an off-licence.
- Two-Scenes is a total loser!
59
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,847
Yeah, yeah. He is, isn't he,
60
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:57,358
with his good looks
and his semi-regular appearances on TV,
61
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,367
not to mention a three-bedroom house
with a massive garden,
62
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,878
which in no way compares to your
rented room in a frigging maisonette?!
63
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:07,841
Your frigging maisonette! It belongs
to you! it�s your name on the deeds.
64
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,926
So who's the loser now, Helen? Yeah?
65
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,961
l think it's probably you,
if you think about it, Alex.
66
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,367
He only got that house
cos he inherited it from his auntie!
67
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,403
Hi, could I have that cab
to Kenyon Street, please,
68
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,281
now that she's gone to Colchester?
69
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,605
You're not going anywhere,
you cock dribble,
70
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:33,447
except for a little congratulatory drinkie
with Uncle Steve.
71
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,878
- And your Uncle Dan.
- Who are we congratulating?
72
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,125
Me, cunty! I'm getting married,
and you're going to be my best man.
73
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,399
STEVE LAUGHS
74
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,486
No-one's ever asked me
to be their best man before.
75
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,646
- I'm actually really touched.
- Well , don't be. I only asked you
76
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,999
because I've run out of friends
after all my divorces.
77
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,200
- Oh.
- And Dan just said no.
78
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,684
Sorry, but I'm not going through
all that shit again.
79
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,368
- What shit?
- Which wedding were you?
80
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,923
- The air hostess.
- Aw, dear Ludmilla.
81
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,483
- Ivanka.
- Well, something asylum seeker-ish.
82
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,566
She urgently needed to stay
in the country and I urgently needed
83
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,248
to renew my membership
of the mile high club.
84
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,883
Botty sex in business class.
What a wedding night!
85
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,529
Ow!
86
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,083
Shit.
87
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,768
Oh, no!
88
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,244
Oh, um... Sorry, excuse me.
89
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,928
Um, I�ve just realised
I don't want to go
90
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,358
to Colchester to shag that doctor.
91
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:33,958
I want to go to...
Ruislip to see my dead boyfriend.
92
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,123
I think it is in Middlesex or
Hertfordshire or somewhere.
93
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,760
Just follow the signs. The...
You'll see signs for it.
94
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,640
I'm marrying the latest Mrs Caudwell
on Saturday and l...
95
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,806
- Saturday?!
- Yes, of course.
96
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:54,477
- Marry in haste, as the saying goes.
- What about repenting at leisure?
97
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,600
Oh, absolutely. I love the repenting.
98
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,527
I love the going down on your knees
and begging for forgiveness.
99
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,322
- Right.
- But most of all, I love the punishing...
100
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,804
Guys, what are we going
to do about a stag night?
101
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,682
This is my stag night,
you smeg collector!
102
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,800
You, me and Daniel. The lads!
103
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:16,637
On a good old boys' night out
at Madame Wendy's Suck 'n' Fuck Club!
104
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,521
STEVE LAUGHS
105
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:22,118
T-There's always that curry house
round the corner. That's open pretty late.
106
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,445
Wendy, my darling! A bottle
of your wildly overpriced champagne,
107
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,878
a phial of the amyl nitrate de maison
108
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:33,080
and some oral, without, to start, please.
And the same for my friends here.
109
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,723
- Oh, actually...
- Now, you chaps can have your oral
110
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:40,125
at the table, or if you would prefer,
it's nice and cosy through there.
111
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,524
A fuck dungeon! Rather!
112
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,527
Are you sure this is a good idea, Stephen?
I mean, come on,
113
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,481
- what would your fiancee say?
- Oh, good point!
114
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,327
I'm not sure. Perhaps I should ask her.
115
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,202
Darling, our best man, Alex here,
was wondering what you'd say to us
116
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,923
grabbing a quick gobble off
one of your lovely ladies?
117
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,404
I'd say, ''''It's Monday night,
business is slow.
118
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,441
''Help yourself to as much head
as you want!''
119
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,322
We are going to give you gentlemen
an evening to remember!
120
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:12,440
I�ve just remembered,
I can't be your best man next Saturday.
121
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,322
- Oh, why ever not?
- I haven't got a baby-sitter.
122
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,565
Oh, bring your babies.
123
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,328
What's a wedding
if there aren't any kiddies around?
124
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,645
Some of mine are coming.
Maybe all of them, actually.
125
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,680
I must remember to ask their mothers.
126
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,088
I can't believe
I haven't married a prostitute before.
127
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,598
I mean, dur! What was I thinking?
Come on, then!
128
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,406
Isn't Dan coming to the party?
129
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,361
No, man. It's a personal rule of mine.
130
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,798
I never pay for sex...
except on the Internet.
131
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,125
Of course. Well done, you(!)
132
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,638
Eh, look, I... (Evening!) I, um...
133
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,726
I would love to come to the...
134
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:49,602
you know, fuck dungeon for some
oral-based whatever, but what a twat!
135
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,129
I've come out without my wallet.
136
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,240
Well, it's a jolly good thing
that you're not paying, isn't it?
137
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,644
Come on!
ALEX SIGHS
138
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,487
Oh, stop being such a spoilsport!
139
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,123
This might be the last stag night
I ever have!
140
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,246
WHIPS CRACKS
Oh, yes!
141
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,201
WHlP CRACKS
Aaaah!
142
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,247
KNOCKING
143
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,724
You're shut?
144
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,999
Yes, I'm sorry, madam. We're not
one of those all-night crematoriums.
145
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:25,325
But crematorium-nums
should never close. Like Tesco's.
146
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,645
I mean, what do you think I'm going to do?
Run off with some ashes?
147
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,999
Like I'm an illegal composter
or something?
148
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,802
I get a kick out of sprinkling strangers
on my flowerbeds?
149
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,602
I just really want to see my fiance.
150
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,879
You know, or his plot or whatever.
151
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,000
Just for a minute.
Just a little minute.
152
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,245
- Where's his headstone?
- What?
153
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:53,998
We have the remains of 165,000 people
here over 25 acres of land.
154
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,757
Where did they
bury your fiance�s ashes?
155
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,684
Shit. Good question.
156
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,209
Um...
157
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,279
It was a year ago, you know?
158
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,844
It was a difficult day.
I had a lot to drink.
159
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,846
Um...
160
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,721
DOOR SHUTS
161
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,127
You didn't go to Colchester, then?
162
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,362
Yeah, and I didn't go and shag
one of my clients.
163
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,321
In fact, I ended up paying a Russian girl
164
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:29,997
who insisted her name was Tiffany
a hundred quid not to have sex with me.
165
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,279
- It was Stephen's latest stag night.
- Well, that's OK, then.
166
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,446
He's marrying a prostitute next Saturday.
You're invited.
167
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,322
Yeah, I know.
I'm going to get myself a hat.
168
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,440
Or a gimp mask, maybe.
That might be more appropriate.
169
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,004
I'm delivering the best man's speech
in a latex body stocking, if that helps.
170
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,768
- So, you're the best man?
- Yeah.
171
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,323
I thought he was going to ask Dan
after I said no.
172
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,167
HELEN YAWNS
173
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,999
What happened to the Petes?
Don't tell me you're replacing them
174
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,245
with a few life-size photos
of Dr Two-Scenes. I'd have to move out.
175
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,485
- Maybe you should move out.
- Blimey! Sorry, it was a bad joke.
176
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,646
Put some photos up of the doctor,
if you want.
177
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,965
In fact, I've got about 350 of him
back in the office
178
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,728
posing like a retouched Ewan McGregor.
179
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,329
They're only postcard-size,
but you could do a collage.
180
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,202
No, seriously. I think we should
both move out. I'm going to sell the flat.
181
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,843
There's too many memories. I need
to make a fresh start somewhere else.
182
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,085
I need to give up
this frigging job of ours.
183
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,484
You're right, you know?
I'm just full of shit,
184
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,487
blowing smoke up my clients' arses
for a living. Who needs it?
185
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,918
Your clients need it. They depend on it.
186
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,404
I mean, we're talking about some
of the most creative arses in town.
187
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,486
Please don't leave the agency.
Don't leave me with all those fuck-ups.
188
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:43,078
We are those fuck-ups, Alex!
Those fuck-ups are exactly who we are.
189
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,200
OK, just don't leave me alone
with all those other fuck-ups.
190
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,604
Seriously...
I mean, what else are you going to do?
191
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,084
God knows. Charity work?
192
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,518
I thought about training
as a therapist once.
193
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,401
I wouldn't mind you being a therapist.
194
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,759
At least that way
we'd still get to see each other.
195
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,044
Yeah, hi. Yeah, I'm ringing about
your ad for a room in your flat
196
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,126
even though I'm living
in a perfectly good one
197
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,877
at the moment that actually
has an en suite fucking bathroom!
198
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,568
- Helen�s just handed me her resignation!
- Yeah.
199
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:19,442
This wouldn't have anything to do
with me inviting her on our honeymoon
200
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,208
as the character Helene Depardieu,
201
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,127
our trusty servant
slash orgy-loving harlot, would it?
202
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,479
No, it's more to do with her
being desperately lost
203
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,327
and unhappy after the death of her fiance.
204
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,440
Oh, good. I'd just hate to think
I'd gone too far this time.
205
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,083
Oh, actually, Stephen, I was just starting
to think about my speech.
206
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,439
Not masses to go on
in terms of your early years.
207
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,162
Anyone I could talk to
for a few childhood anecdotes?
208
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,962
My headmaster could tell you some stories.
209
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,921
As long as you don't mind popping over
to the paedo wing at Parkhurst
210
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,040
- to hear them from the old nonce...
- Ah, do you know what?
211
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,046
Or my first drug dealer.
212
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,558
Lucy Lick It! You could try ringing her!
Not her real name, by the way.
213
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,646
The reason we called her that
at Cambridge was...
214
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,965
Emma, I'm pretty sure
I've got a meeting now.
215
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,000
No.
216
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,927
(Woman) Alex?
217
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,404
Oh, hi, Sarah...
218
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,009
Having a party? Can I come?
219
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,882
No, I'm just... I'm best man
at my boss's wedding and he sent me
220
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,602
in there for table decorations.
221
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,640
So, who's your boss? Max Mosley(?)
222
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,760
Well, not far off.
223
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,482
- Shall I take that?
- Eh, no.
224
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,168
I've been waiting so long
for you to ask me out again
225
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,405
I might as well get one.
226
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,486
- You've got one, haven't you?
- Have l?
227
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,964
Oh... I just had this dim sort of...
228
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,558
When we were at uni,
didn't you buy a vibrator?
229
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,964
Oh, you remember! How touching!
230
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,205
Yeah, my vibrator's
about 15 years old now.
231
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,320
They grow up so fast, don't they?
232
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,440
- Maybe I should get an upgrade.
- Absolutely.
233
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,560
So, if you remember so much
about my ancient dildos etc,
234
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,885
why can't you remember
to call me, you bastard?
235
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,523
I don't know!
236
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:11,240
What draws you
to the idea of training as a therapist?
237
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,280
I'm a writer's agent, so, you know...
238
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:17,037
I mean, I pretty much am a therapist.
My job is just like yours
239
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,604
except you don't have to pretend
to like your patients' movies.
240
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,766
- Have you ever been in therapy yourself?
- God, no!
241
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,323
HELEN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Joke.
242
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,002
Even when you lost your fiance?
243
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,927
Oh, no, I had therapy then.
Yeah, red wine therapy.
244
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,086
Lots of it. Worked a treat.
245
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:39,439
- That's funny.
- Thank you.
246
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,049
Do you always use humour
as a defence mechanism?
247
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,797
Guilty! Well, not guilty.
I mean, I'm not... I don't feel guilty.
248
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,806
I've got nothing to feel guilty about.
249
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,608
Helen?
250
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,762
God, I bet you get to hear
some scary shit in here, eh?
251
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,562
HELEN SNIVELS
252
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,726
So, are you going to be a shrink, then?
253
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,761
No, no. I definitely need a shrink,
though, apparently.
254
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,880
Just for ten years or so and then
I should no longer be a fruit-loop.
255
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:15,046
I wouldn't count on it,
but it gives you something to aim for.
256
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,365
Exactly! D'you know the other great thing
about being a mental?
257
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,878
She reckons that now isn't the time
for change and upheaval,
258
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:25,125
- so I'm going to stay at CMA!
- Bloody hell. That's a bit selfish.
259
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,922
Who's going to be my therapist
now it's not going to be you?
260
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,199
Well, I could put
a good word in with mine.
261
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,082
I, er...I told her all about you,
by the way.
262
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,359
Aw, I couldn't afford
ten years of therapy.
263
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,446
20, I'm afraid. She reckons
you're twice as fucked up as me.
264
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,322
Wow, she's good. That's about right.
265
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,565
Er...I'll wait in the car.
266
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,839
Oh, you don't have to. I'll get a taxi.
267
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:50,438
No, it's all right. You'll only end up
not going to Colchester or something!
268
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,526
Um, Alex, I was talking
269
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:56,163
to the therapist about
the whole ''you moving out'' thing.
270
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,519
Oh, that's all right.
That's OK. I'm fine with it.
271
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:03,084
Um, well, the thing is,
I'm not because...
272
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,484
It's sorted.
I'm going to move in with Sarah.
273
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,600
- You're what?
- Yeah, Sarah Stephens.
274
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,368
She's got a spare room in her house.
There's no en suite,
275
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,003
- but there is a garden.
- Are you totally fucking mad?
276
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,404
I think we�ve established
277
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,918
that I'm 100% more totally fucking mad
than you, yeah.
278
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,722
Look, I'm not stupid, Helen. I'm not
going to move in with someone
279
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,567
I want to have
a relationship with...again.
280
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,282
I'm going to take next week off
and move my stuff.
281
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,878
Do you need a week? Couldn't you move
the whole bin bag in your tea break?
282
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,682
I just thought
it would be good for us to get...
283
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,402
a bit of distance.
284
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,725
Oh, yes, certainly let's
get some of that.
285
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,647
Get as much of that as you want.
Is this enough for you?
286
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,169
How about this?
287
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:46,237
All right, what did your sodding therapist
say about me moving out then?
288
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,644
She said you were a tosser.
289
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,919
A knob. She said you were clearly
a massive twat
290
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,483
and I was lucky to be shot of you.
291
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,043
Wow, the potty mouth
on those Jungians.
292
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,921
You are such a prick.
293
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,608
I wasn't talking about him.
294
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,686
Pete's not a prick. Well, he wasn't.
295
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,289
Well, he was sometimes , you know?
296
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,639
Like anyone, for God's sake.
297
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,442
That's the prick I'm talking about.
298
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:22,880
Hi, Dad!
299
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,247
Ow! Thanks for looking after them
this morning. I really appreciate it.
300
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,008
No problem. I had a week's worth
of Jeremy Kyles to catch up on
301
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,370
so we just watched all of them.
302
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,605
- Oh, good.
- Get a job!
303
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,607
Dad? Can I never go round
Emma's house again, please?
304
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,527
Sure. We might not mention this to Mum,
OK? Hey, how are you feeling?
305
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,163
Any last minute doubts?
It's only natural.
306
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,326
The only doubts I've got are about
you, you clit licker. Now fuck off!
307
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,440
Shit. What got into him?
308
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,924
I booked us into a hotel
that didn't have a porn channel.
309
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,847
You twat! Stephen can never get to sleep
310
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,278
without watching a few hours
of Red Hot Cum Lovers.
311
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,320
Everybody knows that.
312
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,281
I tried downloading porn
onto my BlackBerry...
313
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,923
It's not the same.
Screen size obviously is an issue.
314
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,404
And the audio. Though what's weird is
I enjoy wanking with an iPhone,
315
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,759
which I imagine is something
to do with the touch screen.
316
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,887
Sorry I'm late!
317
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,798
Wendy. I didn't recognise you
with your clothes on!
318
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,840
This is my mother, you pillock.
319
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,767
Alex is a theatrical agent,
like Stephen.
320
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:51,846
Hi!
321
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,756
I am sorry. Mummy doesn't
really approve of show business.
322
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,164
And weeing on middle-aged men
for money? Is she OK with that?
323
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,519
I should hope so.
She did it for long enough.
324
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,004
- Look after those bridesmaids.
- Hello.
325
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,324
Hello.
326
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,884
- Just through here, thank you.
- Thank you.
327
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,568
I promise to love and care for you.
328
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,078
I promise to be
faithful to you always.
329
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,768
GlGGLING
330
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,959
Sorry.
331
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,126
I'm know he'll do his best.
332
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:26,283
I promise
to walk with you in sorrow and joy,
333
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,400
in illness and old age.
334
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,803
Did you promise all that to Mum?
335
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,329
MOUTHS
336
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,167
Why did you lie, then?
337
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,723
Ssh!
338
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,681
HELEN TlTTERS
339
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,809
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
340
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,125
The two of them naked and oiled
341
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,320
and giving it to each other
with a strap on?
342
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,440
Exactly.
343
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,287
No. That's not what I was thinking.
344
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,968
That's a shame.
345
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,524
Can I give you
a word of advice, old cunt.
346
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,606
You've been given a second chance,
don't fuck it up.
347
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,683
On the other hand,
if you do fuck up your second chance,
348
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,607
try not to fuck up your third.
349
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,686
Or your fourth.
350
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,727
Five chances is...
351
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,601
all you can hope for these days.
352
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,802
Although, thinking about it,
I'm up to about eight or nine, so...
353
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,765
Don't fuck up.
354
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,450
- Hi.
- Hi.
355
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,521
How was your week?
Did you move out all your stuff all right?
356
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:43,844
Yeah, yeah.
357
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,199
Plugged in my new Currys iPod dock
on the the first night,
358
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,525
then spent the next six days
unpacking both my T-shirts.
359
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,526
Your kids are really cute.
360
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,686
Although the little one did tell me
I had a cracking arse.
361
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,846
Well, you do.
So, at least he's inherited
362
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,483
his dad's great taste in arses.
363
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,760
Speaking of which,
how's Sarah Stephen's arse?
364
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,528
Are you still not
having sex with it?
365
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,083
Or any other part of her anatomy?
366
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,643
Please, you know
a gentleman never tells
367
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,283
whether or not he's fucking his flatmates.
368
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:12,889
So you are.
369
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,284
I've only been there a week.
370
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,002
All you need is 20 minutes,
from what I can remember.
371
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,689
Er, well, all right.
372
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,607
Doing the maths...
Um, yeah, you're absolutely right,
373
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,641
I'd shagged her 700 times times
by about Wednesday.
374
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,885
Had you?
375
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,807
No, I hadn't.
376
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,766
It was just the once.
377
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,483
Usual pattern.
20-minute shag and then...
378
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,600
12 hours of embarrassment
and mortification.
379
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,648
And then another shag.
380
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,321
To be honest.
381
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:05,604
OK.
382
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,729
OK.
383
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,363
OK, fine.
384
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,958
I had sex with Dr Two-Scenes
and you had sex with Sarah, so...
385
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,364
we're definitely one-all
in the meaningless shag stakes.
386
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,605
Well, technically it's two-one, but...
387
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,640
I did it twice with Sarah, and you...
388
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,487
Yeah, call it a draw.
389
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,680
Just do the decent thing
and dump her...in a nice way.
390
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,289
You can have your old room back
and we can forget any of this...
391
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,684
- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.
392
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,482
I can't!
I can't go on walking out on people.
393
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,646
Leaving when it just
gets too difficult.
394
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,718
The boys really like Sarah.
What am I saying to them
395
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:41,885
if I dump her like I did their mother?
396
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,000
I suppose you're saying,
397
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,961
sorry, kids, I only shagged Sarah
because Helen wouldn't shag me,
398
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,967
so it's probably not the best reason
to make her your stepmother.
399
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,648
Sex changes everything.
400
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,567
Once you've had sex with someone
401
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,203
you have to at least offer
to go out with them.
402
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,400
It's the rules.
403
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,122
Well, it's my rules.
404
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,445
Night, then.
405
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,083
That's who I am, Helen!
It's like your therapist said,
406
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,280
I'm twice as fucked up as you,
you're lucky to be shot of me.
407
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,798
That's not what my therapist said.
As a matter of interest...
408
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:16,727
Well, she didn't really say anything
because they don't do they, quacks?
409
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,408
Apparently, for a thousand quid an hour
or whatever,
410
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,122
it's far too much to expect
any answers to your problems.
411
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,842
You just get a load of questions.
412
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,676
How did you feel when this person
cried after having sex with you, Helen?
413
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,164
Do you think this person
leaving his family means
414
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,962
this person is a bad person, Helen?
415
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,444
If you think he's a good person,
416
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,844
why do you feel so guilty
about liking this person?
417
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,245
I wish I'd met you before Pete, OK?
418
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,440
I know I shouldn't say it,
but it's true.
419
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,640
I wish I had met you before
Justin the fucking city boy
420
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,328
I wasted my twenties on,
421
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,565
or Philippe the ski instructor,
422
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,646
or Colin the twat
who I met in my first year
423
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,078
who was always pestering me
to have a threesome!
424
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,239
Where the fucking hell were you, Alex,
425
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,008
while I was pissing my life away
on that lot?
426
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,282
You probably don't wish
you'd met me before Colin the twat.
427
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,480
I had seriously bad psoriasis
in the eighties.
428
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,203
And I'd probably have pestered you
to have a threesome, as well.
429
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,485
It's not easy when you realise
the person you're most suited to
430
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,964
is an emotional fucking retard!
431
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,800
MUSlC: A Natural Woman
by Aretha Franklin
432
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,446
Get the fuck off my dad, you slag!
433
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,006
Could you cunts clear the room now?
We need to set up for the disco!
434
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,245
Come on!
36037
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