All language subtitles for free.agents.s01e05.dvdrip.xvid-haggis

So Alex, where shall we start?

Well, Helen,
my landlady, Helen, said

you'd been a help
getting her finances in order.

Helen's great, isn't she?
Though I'd sleep easier

if she upped her critical illness cover.

Oh, me too. Many's the night
I lie awake in her spare room thinking,

''If Helen gets cancer,
will she be able to pay the mortgage?

''Where will I sleep?''

Anyway... She thought you might
be able to help sort out my debts,

so I can think about renting or maybe
even buying a place of my own.

Is that all?

Of course, we can handle all that
bread and butter shit. That's a given.

But let's talk about your future, Alex.
That's what I'm interested in.

What do you want to do
with your life? Tell me the plan.

Oh, the plan?

Well, step one of the plan, obviously,
was to walk out on my family

and have a semi nervous breakdown.
Big tick, nailed that.

Step two, I'm thinking...
just basically see what happens.

That's about as far as I've got
with the plan.

Helen said that you were a joker.

Yeah? What else
did she say about me?

She said you were
emotionally volatile

and your life was total shit
at the moment.

She's right.

Have you got critical illness cover?

Hi. I'd like the double chocolate
triple layer celebration cake...

KNOCKING
..to be collected next Wednesday...

Yeah, with the...
with the butter cream filling

and the white fondant icing
on top to read,

''Happy birthday, Helen''.

Great! My name is Helen Ryan.

No, it's a different Helen!

You're telling me you haven't got
two friends with the same name?

Especially Helen.

That's been in the top ten most common
names since the year dot, so...

thanks very much, Mum and Dad!

Yeah, I'll hold...

A decade from now, where do you
want to be? Best case scenario.

Blimey, ten years. Well,
kids happy and healthy, obviously.

Doing OK at work, I guess.

- Blah, blah.
- Well, I always wanted to live in France.

Now you're talking.

Oh, well...what I really want,
what I'd really like,

is to be in a relationship
with, um...this, er, lady.

Or happily married to...her. Yeah!
We'd live in a big house. By a river.

With my kids and my new wife and
maybe a couple more kids of our own.

And we're gonna need a big car,
like a Mercedes.

And, um, one for the nanny.

This is in France, right?

Yeah, but in London during the week,
to be close to our work.

Um...are you expecting a raise?

Because I estimate you'll need
to put around 3,000 a month aside

over the next ten years
to pay for that lot.

The nanny doesn't need a Mercedes.
She'll be happy with a hatchback.

(Alex) Hi, babe. I'm home!

lronic, obviously.

MANCUNlAN ACCENT
Now, where's me fookin' dinner?

I'll just get on with cooking it, shall I?

Was it all right? Had to make do
with tinned water chestnuts.

They'd run out of fresh
at the oriental supermarket.

Are you kidding? If I'd known
you were that good at cooking,

I'd never have chucked you.

Just my luck.
The whole course of my romantic life

altered by a lack of access
to kitchen facilities.

Then again, at least you'll be available
for some platonic chefing on my birthday.

Don't panic! Nothing fancy.

Just a dinner for four or five
of my only friends.

I'm not gonna be around
on your birthday.

You'll have to up your game a bit.

I'm not having my mates
fobbed off with tinned...

What do you mean?

How do you even know when it is
to know you're not around for it?

That might have been a clue.

That was a joke.

- Yes, of course it was...
- Yeah.

A jokey way of saying,

''Alex, here's shitloads of time to make
yourself available for my birthday,

''and think about
what you're gonna get me.''

What are you gonna get me, by the way?

You'll have to wait till your birthday.

When you're not even gonna be there
to give me my present?

I want to be there.
I want to celebrate it with you,

but I've gotta go to Manchester
for work that night.

Nothing I can do. You of all people
should understand that.

I do. Obviously.

Bloody hell, this is my fucking birthday
we're talking about!

It's one of the most important days
of the year.

For me. Do you think
I wouldn't be around for yours?

OK, when's my birthday?

I don't fucking know.
But when I find out,

I'll make damn sure I'm around for it.

It was three weeks ago.

It wasn't.
What did you do?

I was here with you. Enjoying a meal,
having a few glasses of wine,

watching the telly, happy that
no-one else knew what day it was.

OK, two things. One - at least
I was around for your birthday.

I made sure you had a good time
without even knowing I was doing it,

which is amazing of me. Two -
you're weirder than I thought you were.

I'm just different. I don't see
my birthday as a big thing.

No, you see it's a hush-hush thing.
An undercover thing.

There's something a bit pervy about
the way you celebrated your birthday.

Like going out in public
and no-one knowing

you're not wearing any knickers.

Hmm. Was it really like that?
I don't think it was.

You know what I mean.

I don't, but you've clearly done
the knickers thing, though.

Have you? Are you doing
the knickers thing now?

I never used to make a big deal
about my birthday, if you must know.

It was Pete who made a big thing.
Pete who ordered the cake.

He blew up the balloons
and bought the special croissants

from the deli I like
for my birthday breakfast.

This time last year,

I did not think I'd be getting
my birthday dinner catered for

by my former fuck-buddy.

I didn't think I'd be going around
ordering my own cake.

I never thought I'd be blowing up
my own fucking balloons!

I'm fed up with everything being shit.

When is anything ever
going to start being good again?

Oh, listen. I'll get the special
croissants from the deli

for your birthday breakfast,
how about that?

Really?

Course.

I'd blow up the balloons
but it brings on my asthma.

What's all this about you organising
a surprise birthday party for Helen?

- Hi, Sophie. How are you?
- I'm fine, thanks. Are you fine?

Malcolm's fine too. Great.
Pleasantries out of the way.

Are you or aren't you organising
a surprise party for Helen?

I are. I mean, I am.

The only thing I've organised
so far is a rather brilliant lie

that I'm gonna be in Manchester
for work that night.

What makes you think you're
the right person to organise this, Alex?

Rather than some other person...

say.

I mean, you haven't talked
to Helen's family about the party,

haven't checked if her goddaughter
is free to attend.

(Or her goddaughter's parents.)

BABY GURGLES

Do you want to come to the party?

Even though it's on
way past your bedtime?

Oh, that's great! Glad you can make it.
What about your mum and dad?

This isn't a joke, Alex.

I don't know if you realise, but this is
Helen's first birthday since Pete died.

I do realise that.

I realise it so much it might be the
reason I decided to have the effing party.

Does she even want to have a party?

This is going to be
a sad evening for Helen.

I'll be quite sad too.
Malcolm's bound to be a bit down.

- Well...
- Yes, you will be down!

And the baby always picks up
on what we're feeling.

Helen did definitely say she wanted
to do something on her birthday,

and didn't say she wanted
to do something miserable.

Maybe a happy evening would be
better? Put a brave face on it,

think about the future...

Who knows? In ten years' time,
things may look very different

for Helen and me!

- Helen and you?
- Yeah.

Or no.

Helen and me...separately.

Well, whether...
whether we're together or not.

Which we definitely won't be,
because we're just good friends.

SIGHS

Maybe you should organise Helen's party.

Do you think?

All right, then.

Right. So here's a list of people
from our family, Pete's friends, etc,

- I know Helen will want to be invited.
- Do you really know that?

Yes. If I'm in charge of food and drink,
decorations and music -

Malcolm will make one of his party tapes
on the computer -

if I do all of that,
then all you have to do, Alex,

seeing as you're such a brilliant liar,
is come up with an excuse

to keep Helen busy while
we get the flat ready for the party.

PHONE RINGS

Helen? Would you do me a favour?
Doctor Two Scenes has written a script

and he'd like to have a drink with you
one night next week to talk about it.

What, your client, Doctor Two Scenes?

No, some other Doctor Two Scenes.
You know the one I look after

who only ever has one or two scenes
in each episode of Holby City

but fancies himself as a screenwriter?
It's not him.

God. What does he wanna talk
to me about his stupid script for?

- You represent writers, don't you?
- Writers, not bit-part actors

whose biggest contribution in ten series
has been to say, ''Pass the forceps.''

That's not actually true.

No, but it's almost true.
It's not far off.

Don't take the piss out
of Doctor Two Scenes.

I'm not. I'm taking the piss out of you
for being his agent.

Thanks very much.

Come on!
We always take the piss out of you

for representing Doctor Two Scenes.
It's what gets us through the week.

- It's what gets you through the week.
- And me!

I'm always up for a bit of
Doctor Two Scenes-based banter.

Anyway, he's got the day off
from Holby next week...

He's pretty much always
got the day off from Holby!

LAUGHTER

Go on, then. When do you want me
to meet Doctor Two Scenes?

Uh, well, he's going to be up in town
next Wednesday night.

Wednesday night, my birthday?
Thank you very fucking much.

I'm not suggesting you spend the whole
evening with him. Just have a drink.

Then go to that birthday dinner you're
having with all of those friends of yours.

Which is what I will be doing. With
some of my closest friends in the world.

- Yeah. Yeah, I know.
- Yeah.

Dan, would you like to have dinner
with me for my birthday?

Why would I do that?

You don't like me
and I've never wanted to fuck you.

Well, I've never wanted
to fuck you either, mate!

Yeah, all right. I'll meet
Doctor Two Scenes on my birthday.

It's time to move on. I need
to be open to meeting new people.

Even if they are really, really
very, very minor celebrities.

So are you going to read
Doctor Two Scenes' script, then?

Il Dottore will be thrilled.

How long is it?

- It's not long.
- Is it two scenes long?

You guessed it!

LAUGHTER

How will I recognise Doctor Two Scenes?

Oh, you know, surgical greens.

Carrying a stethoscope...

Look, I make good money out of
the doctor, guys! For this company.

I mean, his commission pays
your frigging salary, Emma!

LAUGHTER STOPS

Well, a bit...a bit of it...
Your Christmas bonus.

Oh, wow!

Wow! Thank you, Alex!

I can't believe you went
to all this trouble for me.

Did I miss anything?

Orange juice, check.

Champagne, check.
Special croissants...

Bit disappointed
you didn't blow up the balloons.

Yeah. Remember it brings on my asthma.
Can't breathe, feel like I'm suffocating.

Ah, maybe next year.

Mm.

Anyway, plane to catch.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Happy birthday, Helen.

I'm really sorry
you're not doing anything.

- With anyone. Except Doctor Two...
- Just go, all right!

Go to fucking Manchester and see
your fucking client in her fucking play!

You can leave my present, though.

Oh, I haven't got you a present.
I can pick something up at the airport.

Like from Tie Rack.
Not many people know this,

but they do have a women's collection.

A little present
on your special day, darling.

Oh, Stephen...
that's really very, very...

A cheque for 5,000.

That's right, fruitie.

And if you're prepared to bend
the new receptionist over my desk

and spank her lovely arse
while I whack one off,

I'll even make it out to you.

No, thanks.

The receptionist is only
getting two and a half

and she's the one
taking the pain, to be fair.

Still no.

What's that?

A 20 quid book token. Happy birthday.

Emma?

I know it's not your birthday,
but I refuse to let that small detail

get in the way of you
making a bit of extra cash.

I've still got that lawyer's number
on speed-dial...

Have a nice day. (Lesbian.)

Helen?

Doctor Two... I mean... Sorry.

Please, don't apologise...
When you're in a hit show like Holby,

people often confuse you
with your character.

Comes with the territory. You get
used to walking down the street

to shouts of, ''Pass the forceps!''
''Trust him, he's a doctor!''

''Where's your stethoscope?!''

We do that one.

How do you mean?

Well... You know, we say that.

We say that in, um...
in the doctor's surgery that I go to.

We, um... We sit in reception
and the doctor comes out

and all the patients call out,
''Where's your stethoscope?''

Sometimes it's around his neck,
so obviously, it's not that funny then.

But, um... And he's not really an actor.

Well, not...not really, he's just not.

''You can fill out my prescription any time
you like, love!'' Do you get that one?

No...

Well, um,
what did you think of my script?

Heart Murmurs.

Well... Er, Roger...Comerford.

A film about an actor who's the star
of a hit hospital drama series.

I'm just not sure if it's...

A tad too autobiographical?

Well, it's not really, is it?
Because you're not really the star...

Do you mean because I've made
the character a great salsa dancer?

- Mmm.
- Actually, I do teach that.

Thursday nights in Colchester,
when I'm not filming Holby.

Right.

So that's every Thursday, then?

When I'm not filming Holby, yeah.
Excuse me, do you do bitter lemon?

Just up, up, up, up!

Yes, there.

Excellent.

Helen is going to love the birthday
banner Peta made for her!

Yes, she is, you clever girl.

Clever girl!

- Urgh. That is rough as arseholes.
- Wine boxes are cheaper, Malcolm.

- And naffer.
- What?

Nothing.

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

I can't believe you did this for me!

Of course, if you hadn't done this,
I would have had to kill you.

You didn't tell me the doctor taught
salsa dancing? I love to salsa dance.

- I didn't tell you because I didn't know.
- I teach it in Colchester.

Thursday nights,
unless I'm filming Holby.

So that's every Thursday night, then?

Unless he's filming Holby, yeah.

Never mind... All right, everybody!

Doctor Two Scenes here
is going to teach us all salsa.

He's going to give us
a salsa dancing lesson.

What does she mean,
Doctor Two Scenes?

Oh, yeah... Um...

It's the... The first rule
of show business, Roger.

Never keep your audience waiting.

Oh. Er...

OK, everyone.

We're going to start off
by dancing some salsa rueda.

ALL CHEER

Which basically involves me
giving you some very simple moves,

or shines, as we call them,
while you rapidly swap partners.

I think I'm going to be
rather good at this.

SALSA MUSlC PLAYS

What the fuck's critical illness cover?

Your boss just offered me 5,000
to do something really disgusting.

Just ignore him.
He doesn't mean any harm.

For five grand, you could
at least give it some thought.

Stand away from the wine box,
please, Malcolm.

I have an apology to make.

I didn't think it was a good idea
for you to have this party, Alex.

But I was wrong.

Because it was a lovely idea.

Perfect.

Pete and I are very grateful to you.

Good.

Although Pete
probably isn't grateful, is he?

He's probably really pissed off.

Another bloke, even a nice one like Alex,
making moves on his fiance.

Throwing the party for her so
he can get into her knickers...again.

Stand away from the wine box, Malcolm.

Yes, Malcolm.
Alex and Helen are just friends.

Yeah, that's us.

You haven't got into Helen's knickers?

- God, no.
- Told you.

Of course he has.
You know he has.

Actually, do you know what?

I have got into Helen's knickers and I
would like to get into her knickers again.

In the nicest possible way,

on a regular basis,
for the rest of our lives.

Look, I'm giving her this
for her birthday

and I wrote the quotation from
one of the poems in the front.

She'll love it.

She'll really love that.

You fucking fiancé-thieving cunt.

Hey, hey...

No, Malcolm!
You're a bit militant this evening.

I don't know what's got into me.

Oh, yeah, I do. About two litres
of this fucking awful plonk.

When will you realise,
wine boxes are naff!

And mothers who try
to turn their daughters

into mini clones of their dead brothers
are just a little bit scary!

Pete is everywhere.

God's everywhere, not Pete.
Pete's dead and he's not coming back.

No. Pete is here.

He's here in the flat now,
watching everything you do.

He'll be watching every single time...

you fuck that little floozy!

He'll get a bit bored, don't you think?

I mean, one shag's the same
as another, after a while,

from a spectator's point of view, surely?

Why aren't you dancing?

I'm a crap dancer.

I've been embarrassing myself
at parties for years now.

Where's Sophie?

She had to leave.

Well, she didn't have to leave,

but after she'd punched me in the face,
it was probably a good time to go.

She probably had to get back
for the babysitter.

No, Peta was in her carrycot in your room.

My little goddaughter was here

and I was so fucking drunk,
I didn't even realise.

What's wrong with me? I hate myself.

Come on everybody, salsa!

Helen, look, I want to give you
this book for your birthday.

I wrote something in the front.
It got ripped up by Sophie, but...

- I put it back together.
- Oh!

It's blank!

- Is it? Oh.
- Yeah.

- Sorry. Try that one.
- OK.

''First published in 1925.''

No, fuck it. That's... Never mind.

- OK!
- ''We shall not cease from exploration,

''and the end of all our exploring,
will be to arrive where we started,

''and know the place for the first time.''

It's from a poem called
Little Gidding by TS Eliot.

I've known that quote for years,

but the truth is, I've never really
understood what it meant till now.

What does it mean, then?

Oh, er... Well, I guess what
he's trying to say, what I'm saying,

is that I've fallen for people,
I've been in this situation before...

TS Eliot's the Cats guy, right?

Yeah. That's him. He co-wrote
the song that gave Elaine Paige

one of her few appearances
on Top Of The Pops.

- I knew it.
- Yeah...

Move to France with me.

What...?

You and me live in a chateau
and eat French food and...

Drive a Mercedes, yeah.

Mercedes isn't French.

No, but they're incredibly reliable.

They just go on and on.
You can't beat a Merc.

OK, great! I'm totally up for that.

Apart from the reliable
German car bit, cos they're...

You're my best mate, Alex.

And I'll never forget what you did
for me tonight on my birthday.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to have sex with Doctor Two Scenes.

Because he may be
a very, very unsuccessful actor,

but he's a fucking great salsa dancer.

MOANING

Morning.

Excellent party.
Thanks so much for inviting me.

(Helen) Hey, Doc,
where's my medication?

Oh, she wants some paracetamol.

Helen's great, isn't she?

Oh!

Alex?

I've been thinking about
this whole salsa thing.

Do you think there's any chance of
getting me on Strictly Come Dancing?

Or a DVD.

Dance With The Doctor.

SALSA MUSIC PLAYING