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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:03,480 PANTING AND FUMBLING 2 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,324 OK, what happens next? Just, this is the first time 3 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,406 I've had casual sex this century, and you know... 4 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:31,725 OK, admittedly, last century wasn't exactly chocker-full of 5 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,408 no-strings knobbing, but... 6 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,122 Seriously, this is the first time in many moons that 7 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,445 I made love to someone I didn't at least have a mortgage with. 8 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,162 - Thanks for making me the exception. - That's no problem. 9 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,644 We could... 10 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,363 take out a small loan together if it'd make you feel more comfortable. 11 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,605 - A joint credit card, perhaps? - It's all right. 12 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,129 Well, thank you. 13 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,888 I'm really, really honoured to be 14 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,489 your first meaningless fuck of the new millennium. 15 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,725 Yeah, cos I'm assuming what happens next, 16 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,522 even though we're not buying a house together, the next stage is 17 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,924 something like you say to me, "What are you thinking?" 18 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,563 And I say, "I was thinking, 19 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,282 "Can I make it as far as my trousers 20 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,127 "without you getting a proper look at my cock?" 21 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,320 Which you probably won't think is funny. 22 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,759 You'll just think it's a bloody stupid and juvenile and sad way of avoiding 23 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,687 a serious question. To quote my ex-wife. 24 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,921 So... how should I play it? 25 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,961 I mean, I assume I'm staying. Am I here for the night? 26 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,807 Or should I be more like, "Thanks for the shag, Helen, 27 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,124 "but I'm afraid I've got a meeting!" 28 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,321 I'll just call you a cab. 29 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,327 I haven't really got a meeting. In fact, I'm pretty much free till breakfast. 30 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,406 Just... I've got an early start. 31 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,725 - Whoa! That's a lot of rubber johnnies. - Where to? 32 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,283 Seriously, I admire your confidence. My brief spell as a user, 33 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,320 I was only prepared to commit to a packet of three. 34 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,520 - What's your address? - OK, I was 16, money was a factor. 35 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:55,004 But when you shelled out on that lot, you were really saying something. 36 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,961 "I'm not afraid to shop on the internet?" 37 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,841 You were saying, "It's 2009. 38 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,278 "I'm an independent woman and I can buy condoms. 39 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,048 "I can buy hundreds of condoms. Doesn't make me a slut." 40 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:08,206 - Oh. Is that what I was saying? - Yeah. I think it's rather moving! 41 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:12,082 Or was I actually saying, "This is 2008. 42 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:16,439 "This is 2008 and I'm going to buy some condoms to have sex with my fiancé"? 43 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,086 - With Pete... - Pete. 44 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,399 And Pete... 45 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:24,599 And Pete... 46 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,004 And Pete. And Pete. And Pete... 47 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,359 Yeah, I know they're a bit shit, but... 48 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,400 We had them done just before he died. 49 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,407 CHUCKLES 50 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,287 Oh, bloody hell, go on, then... 51 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,764 "What are you thinking?" 52 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,369 I was thinking... 53 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:55,083 it's Father's Day on Sunday and I'm not going to be with my children. 54 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,643 That's not funny. 55 00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,806 Not immediately, no, but, er... 56 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,485 But give it a minute, it might be a grower. 57 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,961 CRIES 58 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,729 MAN ON PHONE: Minicab. 59 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,039 Good morning, my dear cunts! 60 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,808 I want to hear all about the exciting new talent 61 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,284 you've signed for the agency this week. But first, 62 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,446 let's kick off, as always, with what really matters in show business - 63 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:14,799 which of you mother-lovers got laid last night? 64 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,238 - Alex? - No. Ah, no. 65 00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,485 Please, not today, Stephen. Pick on someone else, I'm not in the mood. 66 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,487 You've been fucking, haven't you? You've been bashing some gash! 67 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,168 You've been bringing some cheap little tart back here after hours 68 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,246 and pumping her up against a filing cabinet! 69 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,201 Nice pair of mollies, had she? 70 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,161 Did you dip it in the brown? 71 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,882 - It's not my turn! What about Dan? - Hold the phone, douche-bag. 72 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,682 - I did cyber-sex last week. - Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot. 73 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,289 Unless you want me to do that whole shtick about the air hostess 74 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,287 rubbing her pink bits against me on the Tube? 75 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,480 No. I think we're all in the mood for 76 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:55,521 some good, honest, old-fashioned flesh and bone f-f-f-fucking. 77 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,208 - (All) Yes! - Aren't we, Alex? 78 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:02,599 - Foreplay? - No. Cut to the dick. 79 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,561 All right. She gave me a ten-minute tit wank on the boardroom table. 80 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,839 I knew it! 81 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:12,881 Then I'm lashed to the photocopier for a spot of tie and tease. 82 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,000 She spanked me. 83 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:18,121 She wanked me. She felched me. She rimmed me. 84 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,479 Then she bummed me up the starfish with a jumbo-sized glue stick. 85 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,759 - Whilst reciting the client list? - Naturally. 86 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,209 You dirty little deviant. 87 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,002 Congratulations. You must be feeling very proud. 88 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,961 Proud, yeah. Also used. 89 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,558 Kind of empty. And yet curiously confident of my Christmas bonus. 90 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:44,487 Oh, and Alex? About the jumbo-sized glue stick? 91 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,327 You only had to ask. 92 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,284 Various arseholes phoned for you. Most of whom think it's OK to be 93 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,321 bloody rude to me just cos I'm young and get paid jack shit. 94 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,008 Oh, and Laura called. So did Laura. And then Laura... 95 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,643 In other words, do me a fucking favour and call your ex-wife. 96 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,041 DOOR OPENS 97 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,887 By the way, bum-chum, security say you're sleeping in the office again. 98 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,125 Oh. Yeah... 99 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:18,161 Yes. Could I just mention, before you bang on, 100 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,644 that despite my own extensive experience of getting divorced, 101 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,283 there's no point in telling me about it 102 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,968 because the awful truth is I'm not remotely interested. Ciao! 103 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,204 PHONE RINGS 104 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,241 - All right, I'm asking. - For the glue stick? 105 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:44,281 Because all I can offer you right now in the adhesive sex toys department is a... 106 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,684 small roll of Sellotape. 107 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,721 It's a touch serial killer for my taste, but... 108 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:49,885 I'm game if you are. 109 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,920 I was thinking more, dinner, movie... 110 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,245 Back to yours for a bunk-up. Rain check on the office supplies. 111 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,724 Er, I... I don't think that's a good idea. 112 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,124 All right. Bring the bloody Sellotape if it all sounds too tame. 113 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,479 No, I don't think it's a good idea for us to... 114 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,123 sleep together. Ever again. 115 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,288 DIAL TONE 116 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,120 I don't always cry after sex, you know. 117 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,524 Before and during - admittedly, that's pretty much standard, but... 118 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,958 It's not that. I like men who cry. I've got a thing about it. 119 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,807 We should get married. You'd be very happy. 120 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,125 - You're not ready for a relationship. - That's bollocks. 121 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,683 - You're a mess. - That isn't bollocks. 122 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,289 It's all too raw. Too soon. But believe me, I've been there. 123 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,650 You'll get through this, 124 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,328 you'll come out a better, stronger person. Whoa! 125 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,838 Good morning, Mr Magpie. And how's your fucking mate? 126 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,528 Wow. Never heard that one before. 127 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,640 I guess I'm just a member of the one-for-sorrow brigade. 128 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,044 That doesn't work. You've gotta stop, say good morning... 129 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,842 - I'm not really superstitious. - Oh, well, guess what? Neither was I, 130 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,244 until my fiancé dropped dead at 34. 131 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,804 Yeah, well, can we really blame that on bad karma? 132 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,522 Or an undetected heart condition, like you said. 133 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,083 - We'll be late. - Alex, please... 134 00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,927 Look, I don't believe in that shit. 135 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,608 Well, you not believing that shit has really worked a treat, hasn't it? 136 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,808 Good morning, er, Mr Magpie. What was it? 137 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,841 - How's your fucking mate? - How's your fucking mate? OK? 138 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,244 Now, you've got to hop forward five paces, 139 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,849 with hands on your hips and waggle your arse. 140 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,000 (LAUGHS) 141 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,802 Sorry... sorry. I made the last bit up. 142 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,045 Don't mind me. You knock yourself out. 143 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,808 LAUGHS 144 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,647 Hi, we're here for the preview screening. 145 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,965 You're wrong, Helen, that's what I'm saying. I am ready. 146 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,399 Yeah, of course I'm fucked up. But I'm only as fucked up as you. 147 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,281 Give or take a neurosis, or three, 148 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,843 we're just about even. We're perfect for each other. 149 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,608 What do you say we make a go of it, you nut job? 150 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,766 Not in this lifetime, buster. 151 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,400 I'm dumped? 152 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,247 Shhh! 153 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,804 No. Because that would imply we had a relationship. 154 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,204 We had sex. 155 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,479 Oh... 156 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,520 Can I tell you something truly amazing 157 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:17,845 that's happened in the last four decades? Apart from colour TV, 158 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:21,279 and Nelson Mandela getting out of the nick. You can have sex with someone, 159 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,639 and you don't have to spend the rest of your life with them. 160 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,726 You can go all the way and you don't have to propose. 161 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,567 Speak for yourself. As far as I'm concerned, 162 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,839 we were engaged the moment we locked tongues. 163 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,880 In fact, I have to tell you, my darling, 164 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,000 because I'm divorced, it's going to have to be a registry... 165 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,278 It's because we work together, isn't it? 166 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,446 Richard and Judy. The Osbournes. 167 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,606 Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Junior... 168 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,800 - They don't work together. - They have. 169 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,602 They worked together when they met on I Know what You Did Last Summer. 170 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,163 Since they've been married they've done both Scooby-Doos. 171 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,689 She didn't do the sequel. 172 00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,800 Monsters Unleashed? She certainly did. 173 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,204 No, she would not do the sequel. She had a serious film career. 174 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,718 - Have you actually seen the movie? - Of course not. 175 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,681 Yeah, well, I have, twice in the cinema, and about 150 bloody times on DVD. 176 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,800 Usually just before dawn with two hyperactive children. 177 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,727 - I'm telling you, she's in it. - She's not! 178 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,249 She is! 179 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,561 Scooby-Doo 2. Have you got it? 180 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,044 Sorry, love. Got the new Harry Potter, though. 181 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:26,206 What? That's not even in the cinemas yet. That's theft! 182 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,479 You're killing the British film industry! 183 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,206 - I'm checking with her manager. - Oh, for God's sake. 184 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,968 - It's the middle of the night in LA. - You know these American agents. 185 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,364 - They're 24/7. - Look, stop, stop. Please. Please. 186 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,764 Let's just... Let's just stop all this. 187 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,130 I mean, look at you. 188 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,729 You're a wreck. 189 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:48,238 You're a vaguely loveable sort of wreck, OK? But honestly, 190 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,565 if you think it's right for us to be together, then... 191 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,407 let's face it, it's got to be wrong. 192 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,487 Alex? 193 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,248 Alex, don't go back to work. 194 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,087 Just go home. 195 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,166 Where's that? 196 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,200 I don't know... Where are you living? 197 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:07,639 Oh, um, well, it's... it's just for now, it's very central. 198 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,521 It's 20,000 square feet. 199 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,288 Air-conditioned. Lots of glass. 200 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,479 Right. Well... 201 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,248 Then put yourself out there, man. 202 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,122 Take some lucky girl back to your massive... 203 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:22,047 loft-apartment-type place, and bounce her off the walls. Go wild! 204 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,319 Yeah, I don't do wild, OK? I do cautious. 205 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,361 I do inhibited. I do worried and fearful. 206 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,684 You did wild with me. 207 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,846 Yeah, and look what a fucking disaster that turned out to be! 208 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,449 From now on, I'm sticking with my old mates, Scared and Repressed. 209 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,969 (LAUGHS) 210 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,444 - Oh, don't do that. - What? 211 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,924 Don't say you don't want to go out with me, and then laugh at my jokes. 212 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,563 I hate it when that happens. 213 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,282 SIGHS 214 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,843 These are good, aren't they? 215 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,597 You get a little hole where you can put your cup. It's brilliant. 216 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,322 You're not going to cry again, are you? 217 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,088 I might. Why not? I already hopped across Soho Square 218 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,802 in front of half the frigging industry. 219 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,443 Faked a dodgy sex session just to please my depraved boss. 220 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,208 So what's a brief sob in Berwick Street? In fact, 221 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,968 fuck it, let's grab a cappuccino, 222 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,046 then I'm taking a stroll down Leicester Square 223 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,001 with my cock hanging out. Oh, thanks for listening! 224 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,881 Oh, no, thanks. I'm just browsing. 225 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,484 Dan. There's a Jody Singer here to see you. 226 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,725 And me. 227 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,807 - Yeah, but mainly Dan. - No, not mainly Dan, actually. 228 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,920 We both saw her in that frigging play the other night 229 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,279 and Jody's mainly here to see mainly both of us. Equally! 230 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,366 What do you want, a medal? 231 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,204 Jesus! 232 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,599 It's only... a lot of people have said to me, 233 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,004 "Jody, you're just out of drama school, 234 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:47,518 "you don't want to join an agency as big and scary as CMA." 235 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:51,084 Plus everybody totally warned me off him! 236 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,882 (Alex) Oh, yes. 237 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,682 And what did everybody say about me? 238 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:56,766 Nothing. 239 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,721 Well, that's, you know... 240 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,204 Flying under the radar. That's just how I like it. 241 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,570 So, um, what I... 242 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,964 Oh. This is my assistant, Emma. 243 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,284 Your assistant? 244 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,639 - Helen's and Dan's... and mine. - I take messages for you. Sometimes. 245 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,760 - What do you want? - Your ex is on the phone. 246 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,164 - Well, tell Laura I'm in a meeting. - I did. 247 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,769 Tell her again. 248 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,370 Please. 249 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:29,076 Fucking Media Studies! 250 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,121 Anyway, what I wanted to say was... MOBILE VIBRATES 251 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,286 Why come to CMA? 252 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,286 What is it that this agency can do for you 253 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,968 that all the others you're meeting can't? 254 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:45,637 Um... ultimately, it's about building your career. 255 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:48,681 It's about experience and professionalism. 256 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,164 It's about making use 257 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,485 of the relationship we have with producers and directors. 258 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,964 Look, everybody wanna fuck you. 259 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,398 He doesn't mean sexually. It's important to do theatre... 260 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,327 Everybody wanna fuck you, and it's like, 261 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,758 do you wanna be with an agency that lets you get fucked? 262 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,448 Or do you wanna be with an agency that's gonna take the fuck for you? 263 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:05,969 Cos that's what CMA do, right, 264 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,728 we bend and we spread and we take the fuck for our clients. Right, Alex? 265 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,488 Very much so, yeah. 266 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,759 These other agents you're seeing, these gentlemen. 267 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,199 They're wimps and they're yes-men. They're pussies. I'm not a pussy. 268 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,638 I'm a cunt. 269 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,283 And what are you? 270 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,127 Oh, I'm not a cunt. MOBILE VIBRATES 271 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,399 But I know how to be one. 272 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,122 Fuck off, Laura! 273 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:29,002 OK! I'm trying to earn a living. I'm trying to support our children. 274 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,961 I'm trying to cling on 275 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:36,763 to the tiny part of my life that's actually fucking left to me! 276 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,085 What about Parents, Evening? 277 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,323 No, of course I hadn't forgotten. 278 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,849 Yeah, I'll see you tomor... 279 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,718 I am so sorry about that. 280 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,477 I'm just... getting divorced. 281 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,600 Suddenly it's like I'm shouting, screaming, 282 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,322 crying all the time. 283 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:06,929 Really? 284 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,722 Amazing. 285 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,482 Helen! 286 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,999 Come on, you shit-kissers, it's eight o'clock. 287 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,040 We've all got homes to go to. 288 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,319 Apart from Alex, of course. LAUGHS 289 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,005 Sorry, old shit. 290 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,602 You know what I'd do? 291 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,720 Go and see the mother of your children 292 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:52,443 and ask her for her forgiveness. Admit it was all a terrible mistake 293 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,765 and beg her to let you come home to the family. 294 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,881 That way, you'll buy yourself a few weeks of happy-you're-home humping, 295 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,523 plus the time to sort yourself out a new flat 296 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,402 before you fuck off back to freedom. 297 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:08,765 It works, honestly. 298 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,766 Although, voice of experience, 299 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,721 you generally only get away with it once every marriage. 300 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:21,849 Having a party, love? 301 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,403 No. 302 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,408 - How's Mum? - Good, yes. 303 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,282 - She still hates you. - She doesn't, shut up! 304 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,798 - She doesn't hate you, Dad. - I don't think she hates me, Bill. 305 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,761 OK. She does, though. 306 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,960 - Still living in the office? - Yeah. 307 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,921 Oh, look at this. Thanks for the duvet, Bill. 308 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:51,723 That's OK. You forgot your fucking pillowcase, you knobhead. 309 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,640 LAUGHS Oh! 310 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,041 Come on then, big boy. 311 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,728 Let's have a quick one for old time's sake! 312 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,880 DOORBELL RINGS 313 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,120 Sorry, Pete. 314 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,365 Don't panic. I'm not going to camp out on your doorstep 315 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,889 until you promise to go out with me. 316 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,125 Good. > 317 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,729 Like I did with Lucy Thomas. 318 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,363 Thank God. 319 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,878 And Carol Pritchard. 320 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,648 No, I'm joking, that part of my life's over. 321 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,760 I learnt that in therapy. 322 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,960 Actually, I've never been to therapy. 323 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,126 I don't need it. 324 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,490 Of course you don't. 325 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,009 No, I don't. 326 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,086 I'm really not like that. 327 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,246 This afternoon, going all Gordon Ramsay. 328 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,008 That wasn't me. 329 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,927 Was it not? 330 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,801 It certainly looked like you. 331 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,122 Look, it's all right. Your life is falling apart. 332 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,808 You're allowed to scream and shout a bit. 333 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,761 Thanks. You were right, though. I'm not ready for a relationship. 334 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,119 I'm not fit to exchange bodily fluids on a regular basis 335 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,240 with another human being. I should go to a monastery. 336 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,758 Or lock myself away with a stack of pornography 337 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,641 till I've wanked out all the evil. 338 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,681 Right... are you sure you don't need that therapist? 339 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:57,119 Yeah. You know, I was thinking, 340 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,956 um... some time, when... um... 341 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,921 When you've wanked out all the evil? 342 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:09,245 Yeah, then. I was... Maybe... you and I, we could... 343 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,369 Maybe. 344 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,560 Blimey. What happened to Pete? 345 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,169 Oh, um... 346 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,609 Subsidence. 347 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,761 Oh. I got you this. 348 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,285 Scooby-Doo 2. 349 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,002 And there she is - Sarah Michelle Gellar. 350 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,768 I thank you. 351 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,767 You actually went out and... You are so fucking sad. 352 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,085 Yeah, I am. I'm also broke, homeless, 353 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,519 and about as sexually sophisticated as a 15-year-old born-again Christian. 354 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,129 Any chance of a shag? 355 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,808 I thought you weren't ready for a relationship. 356 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,000 I'm not. But with your support, I might be able to summon 357 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,768 enough emotional strength to let you give me a blowjob. 358 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,400 Oh, no. 359 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,884 Are you OK? Am I hurting you? 360 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,568 I just... 361 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,482 It's OK. I just... 362 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:18,524 Could you... maybe just move... Oh, that's better! 363 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:19,765 Yeah? 364 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,562 Oh, thank... God! Oh! 365 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,485 I love you. 366 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,208 What? 367 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,479 What did you say? 368 00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,566 I said, "I love you". 369 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,282 No, you don't. 370 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,207 I didn't say it to you. 371 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,718 Really? 372 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,124 That's funny, I don't remember this being a threesome. 373 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,001 I was saying it to my kids. 374 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,643 Stop this! What do you want me to say to them, for God's sake? 375 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,487 "Sorry, boys, you don't know me, but I've just had sex with your daddy!" 376 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:23,726 They're not on the phone, Helen. I was talking to their picture. 377 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,567 Hello? 378 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,249 Hello? 379 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,284 You never find yourself talking to the Petes? 380 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:40,044 - I don't love you, Helen. - Great. Thank you. 381 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,569 I've had it with love! 382 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,407 Love's the last thing I want. 383 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,566 The thing is, right, what you've got to remember is... 384 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,086 I am 36 years old and I have never been rimmed. 385 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,120 That's not what you said in the office. 386 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,445 I have never snogged a lesbian while her girlfriend milks my manhood. 387 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,480 I want to snort coke off a concubine. 388 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,680 I want to lick organic yoghurt off her quim. 389 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,402 Quim! I used to love that word, quim. 390 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,759 I want cluster-fucks. I want daisy chains. 391 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,323 I want hot golden showers! 392 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,042 - No, you don't. - No, I don't! 393 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,842 CHUCKLES 394 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,287 SOBS 395 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,520 (Man) Minicab. 31179

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