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1
00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:03,480
PANTING AND FUMBLING
2
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,324
OK, what happens next?
Just, this is the first time
3
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,406
I've had casual sex this century,
and you know...
4
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:31,725
OK, admittedly, last century
wasn't exactly chocker-full of
5
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,408
no-strings knobbing, but...
6
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,122
Seriously, this is the first time
in many moons that
7
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,445
I made love to someone I didn't
at least have a mortgage with.
8
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,162
- Thanks for making me the exception.
- That's no problem.
9
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,644
We could...
10
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,363
take out a small loan together
if it'd make you feel more comfortable.
11
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,605
- A joint credit card, perhaps?
- It's all right.
12
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,129
Well, thank you.
13
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,888
I'm really, really honoured to be
14
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,489
your first meaningless fuck
of the new millennium.
15
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,725
Yeah, cos I'm assuming
what happens next,
16
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,522
even though we're not buying
a house together, the next stage is
17
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,924
something like you say to me,
"What are you thinking?"
18
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,563
And I say, "I was thinking,
19
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,282
"Can I make it as far as my trousers
20
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,127
"without you getting
a proper look at my cock?"
21
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,320
Which you probably won't think
is funny.
22
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,759
You'll just think it's a bloody stupid
and juvenile and sad way of avoiding
23
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,687
a serious question.
To quote my ex-wife.
24
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,921
So... how should I play it?
25
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,961
I mean, I assume I'm staying.
Am I here for the night?
26
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,807
Or should I be more like,
"Thanks for the shag, Helen,
27
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,124
"but I'm afraid I've got a meeting!"
28
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,321
I'll just call you a cab.
29
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,327
I haven't really got a meeting. In fact,
I'm pretty much free till breakfast.
30
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,406
Just... I've got an early start.
31
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,725
- Whoa! That's a lot of rubber johnnies.
- Where to?
32
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,283
Seriously, I admire your confidence.
My brief spell as a user,
33
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,320
I was only prepared to commit
to a packet of three.
34
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,520
- What's your address?
- OK, I was 16, money was a factor.
35
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:55,004
But when you shelled out on that lot,
you were really saying something.
36
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,961
"I'm not afraid to shop on the internet?"
37
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,841
You were saying, "It's 2009.
38
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,278
"I'm an independent woman
and I can buy condoms.
39
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,048
"I can buy hundreds of condoms.
Doesn't make me a slut."
40
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:08,206
- Oh. Is that what I was saying?
- Yeah. I think it's rather moving!
41
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:12,082
Or was I actually saying, "This is 2008.
42
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:16,439
"This is 2008 and I'm going to buy some
condoms to have sex with my fiancé"?
43
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,086
- With Pete...
- Pete.
44
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,399
And Pete...
45
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:24,599
And Pete...
46
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,004
And Pete. And Pete. And Pete...
47
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,359
Yeah, I know they're a bit shit, but...
48
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,400
We had them done just before he died.
49
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,407
CHUCKLES
50
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,287
Oh, bloody hell, go on, then...
51
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,764
"What are you thinking?"
52
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,369
I was thinking...
53
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:55,083
it's Father's Day on Sunday
and I'm not going to be with my children.
54
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,643
That's not funny.
55
00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:59,806
Not immediately, no, but, er...
56
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,485
But give it a minute,
it might be a grower.
57
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,961
CRIES
58
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,729
MAN ON PHONE: Minicab.
59
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,039
Good morning, my dear cunts!
60
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,808
I want to hear all about
the exciting new talent
61
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,284
you've signed for the agency
this week. But first,
62
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,446
let's kick off, as always, with what
really matters in show business -
63
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:14,799
which of you mother-lovers
got laid last night?
64
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,238
- Alex?
- No. Ah, no.
65
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,485
Please, not today, Stephen. Pick on
someone else, I'm not in the mood.
66
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,487
You've been fucking, haven't you?
You've been bashing some gash!
67
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,168
You've been bringing some cheap
little tart back here after hours
68
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,246
and pumping her up against
a filing cabinet!
69
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,201
Nice pair of mollies, had she?
70
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,161
Did you dip it in the brown?
71
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,882
- It's not my turn! What about Dan?
- Hold the phone, douche-bag.
72
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,682
- I did cyber-sex last week.
- Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot.
73
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,289
Unless you want me to do that
whole shtick about the air hostess
74
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,287
rubbing her pink bits
against me on the Tube?
75
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,480
No. I think we're all in the mood for
76
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:55,521
some good, honest, old-fashioned
flesh and bone f-f-f-fucking.
77
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,208
- (All) Yes!
- Aren't we, Alex?
78
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:02,599
- Foreplay?
- No. Cut to the dick.
79
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,561
All right. She gave me a ten-minute
tit wank on the boardroom table.
80
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,839
I knew it!
81
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:12,881
Then I'm lashed to the photocopier
for a spot of tie and tease.
82
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,000
She spanked me.
83
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:18,121
She wanked me. She felched me.
She rimmed me.
84
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,479
Then she bummed me up the starfish
with a jumbo-sized glue stick.
85
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,759
- Whilst reciting the client list?
- Naturally.
86
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,209
You dirty little deviant.
87
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,002
Congratulations.
You must be feeling very proud.
88
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,961
Proud, yeah. Also used.
89
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,558
Kind of empty. And yet curiously
confident of my Christmas bonus.
90
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:44,487
Oh, and Alex?
About the jumbo-sized glue stick?
91
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,327
You only had to ask.
92
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,284
Various arseholes phoned for you.
Most of whom think it's OK to be
93
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,321
bloody rude to me just cos I'm young
and get paid jack shit.
94
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,008
Oh, and Laura called. So did Laura.
And then Laura...
95
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,643
In other words, do me a fucking favour
and call your ex-wife.
96
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,041
DOOR OPENS
97
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,887
By the way, bum-chum, security say
you're sleeping in the office again.
98
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,125
Oh. Yeah...
99
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:18,161
Yes. Could I just mention,
before you bang on,
100
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,644
that despite my own extensive experience
of getting divorced,
101
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,283
there's no point in telling me about it
102
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,968
because the awful truth is
I'm not remotely interested. Ciao!
103
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,204
PHONE RINGS
104
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,241
- All right, I'm asking.
- For the glue stick?
105
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:44,281
Because all I can offer you right now in
the adhesive sex toys department is a...
106
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,684
small roll of Sellotape.
107
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,721
It's a touch serial killer
for my taste, but...
108
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:49,885
I'm game if you are.
109
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,920
I was thinking more, dinner, movie...
110
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,245
Back to yours for a bunk-up.
Rain check on the office supplies.
111
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,724
Er, I... I don't think
that's a good idea.
112
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,124
All right. Bring the bloody Sellotape
if it all sounds too tame.
113
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,479
No, I don't think
it's a good idea for us to...
114
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,123
sleep together. Ever again.
115
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,288
DIAL TONE
116
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,120
I don't always cry after sex, you know.
117
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,524
Before and during - admittedly,
that's pretty much standard, but...
118
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,958
It's not that. I like men who cry.
I've got a thing about it.
119
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,807
We should get married.
You'd be very happy.
120
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,125
- You're not ready for a relationship.
- That's bollocks.
121
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,683
- You're a mess.
- That isn't bollocks.
122
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,289
It's all too raw. Too soon.
But believe me, I've been there.
123
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,650
You'll get through this,
124
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,328
you'll come out
a better, stronger person. Whoa!
125
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,838
Good morning, Mr Magpie.
And how's your fucking mate?
126
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,528
Wow. Never heard that one before.
127
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,640
I guess I'm just a member
of the one-for-sorrow brigade.
128
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,044
That doesn't work. You've gotta stop,
say good morning...
129
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,842
- I'm not really superstitious.
- Oh, well, guess what? Neither was I,
130
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,244
until my fiancé dropped dead at 34.
131
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,804
Yeah, well, can we really blame
that on bad karma?
132
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,522
Or an undetected heart condition,
like you said.
133
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,083
- We'll be late.
- Alex, please...
134
00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,927
Look, I don't believe in that shit.
135
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,608
Well, you not believing that shit
has really worked a treat, hasn't it?
136
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,808
Good morning, er, Mr Magpie.
What was it?
137
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,841
- How's your fucking mate?
- How's your fucking mate? OK?
138
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,244
Now, you've got to
hop forward five paces,
139
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,849
with hands on your hips
and waggle your arse.
140
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,000
(LAUGHS)
141
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,802
Sorry... sorry.
I made the last bit up.
142
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,045
Don't mind me.
You knock yourself out.
143
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,808
LAUGHS
144
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,647
Hi, we're here
for the preview screening.
145
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,965
You're wrong, Helen,
that's what I'm saying. I am ready.
146
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,399
Yeah, of course I'm fucked up.
But I'm only as fucked up as you.
147
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,281
Give or take a neurosis, or three,
148
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,843
we're just about even.
We're perfect for each other.
149
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,608
What do you say we make a go of it,
you nut job?
150
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,766
Not in this lifetime, buster.
151
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,400
I'm dumped?
152
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,247
Shhh!
153
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,804
No. Because that would imply
we had a relationship.
154
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,204
We had sex.
155
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,479
Oh...
156
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,520
Can I tell you
something truly amazing
157
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:17,845
that's happened in the last four decades?
Apart from colour TV,
158
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:21,279
and Nelson Mandela getting out of
the nick. You can have sex with someone,
159
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,639
and you don't have to spend
the rest of your life with them.
160
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,726
You can go all the way
and you don't have to propose.
161
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,567
Speak for yourself.
As far as I'm concerned,
162
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,839
we were engaged the moment
we locked tongues.
163
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,880
In fact, I have to tell you,
my darling,
164
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,000
because I'm divorced,
it's going to have to be a registry...
165
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,278
It's because we work together,
isn't it?
166
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,446
Richard and Judy. The Osbournes.
167
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,606
Sarah Michelle Gellar
and Freddie Prinze Junior...
168
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,800
- They don't work together.
- They have.
169
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,602
They worked together when they met
on I Know what You Did Last Summer.
170
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,163
Since they've been married
they've done both Scooby-Doos.
171
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,689
She didn't do the sequel.
172
00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,800
Monsters Unleashed? She certainly did.
173
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,204
No, she would not do the sequel.
She had a serious film career.
174
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,718
- Have you actually seen the movie?
- Of course not.
175
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,681
Yeah, well, I have, twice in the cinema,
and about 150 bloody times on DVD.
176
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,800
Usually just before dawn
with two hyperactive children.
177
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,727
- I'm telling you, she's in it.
- She's not!
178
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,249
She is!
179
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,561
Scooby-Doo 2. Have you got it?
180
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,044
Sorry, love.
Got the new Harry Potter, though.
181
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:26,206
What? That's not even in the cinemas yet.
That's theft!
182
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,479
You're killing
the British film industry!
183
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,206
- I'm checking with her manager.
- Oh, for God's sake.
184
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,968
- It's the middle of the night in LA.
- You know these American agents.
185
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,364
- They're 24/7.
- Look, stop, stop. Please. Please.
186
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,764
Let's just...
Let's just stop all this.
187
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,130
I mean, look at you.
188
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,729
You're a wreck.
189
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:48,238
You're a vaguely loveable sort of wreck,
OK? But honestly,
190
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,565
if you think it's right
for us to be together, then...
191
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,407
let's face it,
it's got to be wrong.
192
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,487
Alex?
193
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,248
Alex, don't go back to work.
194
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,087
Just go home.
195
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,166
Where's that?
196
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,200
I don't know...
Where are you living?
197
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:07,639
Oh, um, well, it's... it's
just for now, it's very central.
198
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,521
It's 20,000 square feet.
199
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,288
Air-conditioned. Lots of glass.
200
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,479
Right. Well...
201
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,248
Then put yourself out there, man.
202
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,122
Take some lucky girl
back to your massive...
203
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:22,047
loft-apartment-type place,
and bounce her off the walls. Go wild!
204
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,319
Yeah, I don't do wild, OK?
I do cautious.
205
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,361
I do inhibited.
I do worried and fearful.
206
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,684
You did wild with me.
207
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,846
Yeah, and look what a fucking disaster
that turned out to be!
208
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,449
From now on, I'm sticking with
my old mates, Scared and Repressed.
209
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,969
(LAUGHS)
210
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,444
- Oh, don't do that.
- What?
211
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,924
Don't say you don't want to go out
with me, and then laugh at my jokes.
212
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,563
I hate it when that happens.
213
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,282
SIGHS
214
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,843
These are good, aren't they?
215
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,597
You get a little hole where
you can put your cup. It's brilliant.
216
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,322
You're not going to cry again, are you?
217
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,088
I might. Why not?
I already hopped across Soho Square
218
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,802
in front of half the frigging industry.
219
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,443
Faked a dodgy sex session
just to please my depraved boss.
220
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,208
So what's a brief sob
in Berwick Street? In fact,
221
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,968
fuck it, let's grab a cappuccino,
222
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,046
then I'm taking a stroll
down Leicester Square
223
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,001
with my cock hanging out.
Oh, thanks for listening!
224
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,881
Oh, no, thanks. I'm just browsing.
225
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,484
Dan. There's a Jody Singer
here to see you.
226
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,725
And me.
227
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,807
- Yeah, but mainly Dan.
- No, not mainly Dan, actually.
228
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,920
We both saw her in that frigging play
the other night
229
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,279
and Jody's mainly here to see
mainly both of us. Equally!
230
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,366
What do you want, a medal?
231
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,204
Jesus!
232
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,599
It's only... a lot of people
have said to me,
233
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,004
"Jody, you're just out of drama school,
234
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:47,518
"you don't want to join
an agency as big and scary as CMA."
235
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:51,084
Plus everybody
totally warned me off him!
236
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,882
(Alex) Oh, yes.
237
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,682
And what did everybody say about me?
238
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:56,766
Nothing.
239
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,721
Well, that's, you know...
240
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,204
Flying under the radar.
That's just how I like it.
241
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,570
So, um, what I...
242
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,964
Oh. This is my assistant, Emma.
243
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,284
Your assistant?
244
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,639
- Helen's and Dan's... and mine.
- I take messages for you. Sometimes.
245
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,760
- What do you want?
- Your ex is on the phone.
246
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,164
- Well, tell Laura I'm in a meeting.
- I did.
247
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,769
Tell her again.
248
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,370
Please.
249
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:29,076
Fucking Media Studies!
250
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,121
Anyway, what I wanted to say was...
MOBILE VIBRATES
251
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,286
Why come to CMA?
252
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,286
What is it that this agency can do for you
253
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,968
that all the others
you're meeting can't?
254
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:45,637
Um... ultimately,
it's about building your career.
255
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:48,681
It's about experience
and professionalism.
256
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,164
It's about making use
257
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,485
of the relationship we have
with producers and directors.
258
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,964
Look, everybody wanna fuck you.
259
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,398
He doesn't mean sexually.
It's important to do theatre...
260
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,327
Everybody wanna fuck you, and it's like,
261
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,758
do you wanna be with an agency
that lets you get fucked?
262
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,448
Or do you wanna be with an agency
that's gonna take the fuck for you?
263
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:05,969
Cos that's what CMA do, right,
264
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,728
we bend and we spread and we take
the fuck for our clients. Right, Alex?
265
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,488
Very much so, yeah.
266
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,759
These other agents you're seeing,
these gentlemen.
267
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,199
They're wimps and they're yes-men.
They're pussies. I'm not a pussy.
268
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,638
I'm a cunt.
269
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,283
And what are you?
270
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,127
Oh, I'm not a cunt.
MOBILE VIBRATES
271
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,399
But I know how to be one.
272
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,122
Fuck off, Laura!
273
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:29,002
OK! I'm trying to earn a living.
I'm trying to support our children.
274
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,961
I'm trying to cling on
275
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:36,763
to the tiny part of my life
that's actually fucking left to me!
276
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,085
What about Parents, Evening?
277
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,323
No, of course I hadn't forgotten.
278
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,849
Yeah, I'll see you tomor...
279
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,718
I am so sorry about that.
280
00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,477
I'm just... getting divorced.
281
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,600
Suddenly it's like
I'm shouting, screaming,
282
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,322
crying all the time.
283
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:06,929
Really?
284
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,722
Amazing.
285
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,482
Helen!
286
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,999
Come on, you shit-kissers,
it's eight o'clock.
287
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,040
We've all got homes to go to.
288
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,319
Apart from Alex, of course.
LAUGHS
289
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,005
Sorry, old shit.
290
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,602
You know what I'd do?
291
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,720
Go and see the mother
of your children
292
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:52,443
and ask her for her forgiveness.
Admit it was all a terrible mistake
293
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,765
and beg her to let you
come home to the family.
294
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,881
That way, you'll buy yourself a few weeks
of happy-you're-home humping,
295
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,523
plus the time to sort
yourself out a new flat
296
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,402
before you fuck off back to freedom.
297
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:08,765
It works, honestly.
298
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,766
Although, voice of experience,
299
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,721
you generally only get away with it
once every marriage.
300
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:21,849
Having a party, love?
301
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,403
No.
302
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,408
- How's Mum?
- Good, yes.
303
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,282
- She still hates you.
- She doesn't, shut up!
304
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,798
- She doesn't hate you, Dad.
- I don't think she hates me, Bill.
305
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,761
OK. She does, though.
306
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,960
- Still living in the office?
- Yeah.
307
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,921
Oh, look at this.
Thanks for the duvet, Bill.
308
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:51,723
That's OK. You forgot your fucking
pillowcase, you knobhead.
309
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,640
LAUGHS
Oh!
310
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,041
Come on then, big boy.
311
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,728
Let's have a quick one
for old time's sake!
312
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,880
DOORBELL RINGS
313
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,120
Sorry, Pete.
314
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,365
Don't panic. I'm not going to
camp out on your doorstep
315
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,889
until you promise
to go out with me.
316
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,125
Good. >
317
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,729
Like I did with Lucy Thomas.
318
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,363
Thank God.
319
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,878
And Carol Pritchard.
320
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,648
No, I'm joking,
that part of my life's over.
321
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,760
I learnt that in therapy.
322
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,960
Actually,
I've never been to therapy.
323
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,126
I don't need it.
324
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,490
Of course you don't.
325
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,009
No, I don't.
326
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,086
I'm really not like that.
327
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,246
This afternoon,
going all Gordon Ramsay.
328
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,008
That wasn't me.
329
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,927
Was it not?
330
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,801
It certainly looked like you.
331
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,122
Look, it's all right.
Your life is falling apart.
332
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,808
You're allowed to scream
and shout a bit.
333
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,761
Thanks. You were right, though.
I'm not ready for a relationship.
334
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,119
I'm not fit to exchange
bodily fluids on a regular basis
335
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,240
with another human being.
I should go to a monastery.
336
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,758
Or lock myself away
with a stack of pornography
337
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,641
till I've wanked out all the evil.
338
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,681
Right... are you sure
you don't need that therapist?
339
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:57,119
Yeah. You know, I was thinking,
340
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,956
um... some time, when... um...
341
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,921
When you've wanked out all the evil?
342
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:09,245
Yeah, then. I was...
Maybe... you and I, we could...
343
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,369
Maybe.
344
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,560
Blimey. What happened to Pete?
345
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,169
Oh, um...
346
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,609
Subsidence.
347
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,761
Oh. I got you this.
348
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,285
Scooby-Doo 2.
349
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,002
And there she is -
Sarah Michelle Gellar.
350
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,768
I thank you.
351
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,767
You actually went out and...
You are so fucking sad.
352
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,085
Yeah, I am.
I'm also broke, homeless,
353
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,519
and about as sexually sophisticated
as a 15-year-old born-again Christian.
354
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,129
Any chance of a shag?
355
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,808
I thought you weren't ready
for a relationship.
356
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,000
I'm not. But with your support,
I might be able to summon
357
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,768
enough emotional strength
to let you give me a blowjob.
358
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,400
Oh, no.
359
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,884
Are you OK?
Am I hurting you?
360
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,568
I just...
361
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,482
It's OK. I just...
362
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:18,524
Could you... maybe just move...
Oh, that's better!
363
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:19,765
Yeah?
364
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,562
Oh, thank... God! Oh!
365
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,485
I love you.
366
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,208
What?
367
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,479
What did you say?
368
00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,566
I said, "I love you".
369
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,282
No, you don't.
370
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,207
I didn't say it to you.
371
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,718
Really?
372
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,124
That's funny, I don't remember this
being a threesome.
373
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,001
I was saying it to my kids.
374
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,643
Stop this! What do you want me
to say to them, for God's sake?
375
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,487
"Sorry, boys, you don't know me,
but I've just had sex with your daddy!"
376
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:23,726
They're not on the phone, Helen.
I was talking to their picture.
377
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,567
Hello?
378
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,249
Hello?
379
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,284
You never find yourself
talking to the Petes?
380
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:40,044
- I don't love you, Helen.
- Great. Thank you.
381
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,569
I've had it with love!
382
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,407
Love's the last thing I want.
383
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,566
The thing is, right,
what you've got to remember is...
384
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,086
I am 36 years old
and I have never been rimmed.
385
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,120
That's not what you said
in the office.
386
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,445
I have never snogged a lesbian
while her girlfriend milks my manhood.
387
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,480
I want to snort coke
off a concubine.
388
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,680
I want to lick organic yoghurt
off her quim.
389
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,402
Quim! I used to love that word, quim.
390
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,759
I want cluster-fucks.
I want daisy chains.
391
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,323
I want hot golden showers!
392
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,042
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't!
393
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,842
CHUCKLES
394
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,287
SOBS
395
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,520
(Man) Minicab.
31179
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