Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

♪

(Text on screen)

(James): Family, come forth!

- Everything okay? - Hmm.

Um, I don't know.

Uh, you tell me.

- Viv, stop doing that. You don't know what's going on.

- Busted.

- I fixed the door. No more squeak.

- Okay, silent door. An intruder's dream.

- Can we get a tall dog? - I thought everyone hated

the squeak, so fixing the door would make me cool and heroic.

- I miss that squeak. It was like we had little mice.

- We do, Viv. They're in the walls.

(gasps) - I'm gonna get those mice!

- Do not put holes in your walls for the mice!

- Don't worry, just a couple!

(Astrid): As parents, it feels like so much of what we do is thankless.

(James): It's like you have a hundred jobs

but none of the jobs pay or get noticed.

(Astrid): Sometimes all you want is a little appreciation.

(James): From your kids, or society.

- Hey, James. - Hmm?

- When you make the bed, can you not tuck the sheets in

so tight at night? It feels like I've been buried alive.

(James): Or your partner, who should know better.

Buried alive by love.

- Yeah.

(rhythmic music)

- Now, lots of people wanna work at not-for-profits

specializing in non-toxic medicine for pets

and livestock, James. - Obviously.

I mean, it's a dream job. Ahem.

- This job had 100 applicants.

I'm not rounding up. It was exactly 100.

- Well, happy to be in the one percent for once.

(laughing)

- Now, I don't wanna get your hopes up,

but you are an ideal candidate.

Great experience, and uh, your answers were candid and concise.

- Well, I'm concise to a fault.

Not a fault, like not a fault like it's a problem.

I can, I can expand upon a subject, if need be.

And even if need doesn't be.

I, I find that it's better to be clear

than... uh... uh, you know.

Ahem.

Unclear.

- Totally. Uh, have you ever used Flout portal?

- Uh.

- Right, so just uh, download Flout portal

and complete our online pre-employment assessment,

and uh, we can proceed to the next meeting and uh,

meet the rest of the team. - Aha.

I can't tell you what a relief this is.

This is, this really means a lot.

I've had a lot of rejection lately.

- Maybe keep that to yourself. - Yep. Roger that.

Thanks again. Is it um, this way?

- It's the only door. - Okay.

A watched laptop never updates. - You need a new laptop.

And we need a new bathtub.

- And a minivan so we can start taking our kids and stuff

when we wanna go some place.

- So much riding on this exciting new job.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh good!

You're both here.

You are not gonna believe what happened to me this morning.

I got slammed. - What?

- I'm sorry? - From behind,

and I am still quite sore.

- Let's start populating this story with details.

- Of course. It was a man doing the slamming.

Actually, he reminded me of James.

Where were you this morning? - The details thing backfired.

- Mom, I, I know this is not what it sounds like,

but right now, it only sounds like one thing.

- My car was rear-ended. - Oh.

That's a relief. Ugh. - Thank God!

I mean, are you okay? - Yes, I am fine.

Great, in fact. I've been looking for a reason to get a new car,

and now, I can 'cause mine was totaled.

- Totaled? Were you plowed by a semi?

Great, now I'm doing it. No more innuendo.

- I mean, I never got to do one but okay.

- Mom, I'm coming with you to buy a new car

so you don't get upsold. Dealerships love to prey

on old... cars.

- I never get upsold. - Oh?

Why do you have a six-slice toaster?

Why does your laptop have a terabyte of memory

when you only use it for Facebook?

- And The Sims. One of my Sims just bought a mansion.

She lives alone but the real estate agent

said it was a good deal, so. - Mm-hmm.

Why don't you let Astrid come with you?

- If you're worried about me getting screwed, don't.

If anything, I'm gonna screw them.

- I'm coming with you and I'm doing the talking.

(upbeat music)

- All right, let's see what the heck Flout portal is.

Morris, hold my calls. - Draw picture.

(phone vibrating) - Oh, strike one.

You're on thin ice with me, buddy.

'K, hey, Ennis, this is not a great time.

- Okay, fantastic. I just gotta ask you a quick question.

- Okay. - Um, you used to my job, right?

The one that I'm currently doing at GoBo?

- Logistics manager? (Ennis): Exactly, yeah.

Can you tell me how...

- Sorry, can you be more specific?

(Ennis): Oh, I sure can't.

- Okay, can you tell me what Flout portal is?

- Well, I'm not on the dating apps anymore

but it sounds like it's for having an affair?

- Okay. - James?

James? - Ennis?

Are you ready to start your presentation?

- Yeah. Yes. Ahem.

- All right, here we go.

(phone vibrating)

Buddy, I am starting

to question the commitment to your job.

(Morris): Look at that. - Oh, it's the school.

Hello? (Teacher): Hi, are you Viv Berney's parent?

- Yes, this is her father.

(Teacher): Viv has a case of pink eye.

- Pingeye? I-- (Teacher): Pink eye. Conjunctivitis.

- Pink eye. Oh. (Teacher): Yes, can you please come get her?

- Yeah, no, I will... I will come pick her up.

- How is the baby doing?

- Great, very healthy. - Really active. A lot of kick--

- Sorry. (clears throat)

The pregnancy is going very well.

And you wouldn't believe what I've been craving.

- Attention. - Please.

Bo dotes on me like I'm the center of the universe.

I have been craving French fries.

Who knows how many French fries I've eaten this week.

Around... ten.

- Speaking of helpless, um, Mom is buying a new car.

- Oh. - So, I'm gonna go with her

to make sure she doesn't get scammed into buying like, a luxury truck.

- Thank you. She's such an easy mark.

Her cable company talked her into the Loud Sports Channel.

- Ah, LSC!

I got hooked on their jet ski jousting.

Hey, if your mom's in the market

for a premium automobile, I could always sell her mine.

- Hmm. Uh, technical question, is it good?

- DJ setup in the trunk. It's purple.

And, spoiler alert, it has one.

Does that sound good to you? - No, it sounds lonely.

- Astrid. - Marla.

- You're in the market for a car?

- Listening from the other room? - I have exceptional hearing.

It's how I gather intel. Like how Ennis has a lonely car.

- Okay, a lot of my happiest memories have been in that car.

Yeah, that does sound lonely. - Listen to me.

It's the end of the month. Go to the dealership at 4:00.

They'll be desperate to make their quotas.

Offer five percent more than factory cost

and don't be afraid to walk away. Never fails.

- Just call me. We'll sort it out.

- But, I don't want eye drops!

- I know, but I need you take 'em,

otherwise, you won't get better

and Daddy can't get back to work, okay?

- I don't like things going in my eye.

That's just who I am. - Okay, okay, sweetie.

I need you to take these drops 'cause pink eye's

very contagious, and also gross to look at for me.

So, I just need you to be brave, okay?

- Okay. - Time to be brave.

Brave, brave. It's time to be brave.

Brave, brave. Time to be brave.

Brave, brave.

These eye drops are not cheap.

Can you please stop moving your head?

- I'm not trying to, my eyes are making me do it.

- Ah!

I guess we're never gonna be able to afford a dog

if I gotta keep buying these eye drops.

Oh! There she is.

Okay. Okay. Here we go.

Here we go.

It's not gonna hurt, I promise.

One, two, three.

- That didn't hurt at all.

♪ We're getting a Doberman, we're getting a Doberman ♪

♪ We're getting a Doberman ♪

- You know, I have never had a car that needed premium gas.

Are they good? - Mom, don't ask that

in front of the salesperson, okay?

They're sharks who are looking for any opening.

- Who's ready to buy a car today?

Definitely not my last appointment.

(laughs) Hey!

- Hi, Jenn.

What are you doing here?

- Well, sellin' cars.

Quit stalking me, stalker.

Hey, quick, call the cops, my stalker's tracked me down.

Just let me live my life! I'm kidding. How are you?

- How do you two know each other?

- Um, Jenn was our nurse when we bought life insurance

and also our real estate agent

when we were thinking about moving.

- I almost tricked them into buying my mom's house.

Ooh, boy!

Let's see if I can't trick ya into buying a car.

- Well, I want something fun and funky with a little pep.

- That is my exact type, too.

Especially if you add "secretly married".

His name was Rick.

Okay, I do think I have something perfect.

I just... need to find the brochure.

Oh, okay. Here we go.

This is a sedan, if that means anything to you.

- I like it. I mean, this is perfect.

This, this is literally exactly what I want.

- But Mom, we're not sure, right?

We're not sure? We're not sure.

Hmm. Uh, how much?

- Ooh, uh, let me check the price list.

Ah, ha, ha, 30 grand.

Wow, that's a lot. - It is.

- No, no, well, what if I pay cash?

- What, cash? What are you, Scrooge McDuck?

No, she's... she's prepared to pay five percent more

than the manufacturer's price. - What n--

- I don't think I can do that.

- Oh, weird. (chuckling)

Because you know, the dealership down the street,

that's what they're offering, so.

- What? That's a great deal.

Oh my gosh, you should take that!

- Ahem.

Okay.

Okay. Guess we're leaving then.

Right, Mom? - No.

- Unless Jenn can match the offer.

- I can't even match my own socks, okay?

So, best of luck at the other dealership.

Oh, can you ask them if they are hiring?

'Cause I'm on thin ice over here.

- Hmm.

- All right, well, let's go, Mom.

- No, I--

- Trust me, she's gonna follow us out.

Okay. - Bye now.

- Bye.

She's not following us.

- No, we're legitimately just leaving now.

- Ugh!

- Let's tal.

- Oh, uh, this car's definitely been around.

I mean, if she could talk. Um, well, if this car

could talk, I definitely wouldn't sell it to you.

- Oh, no, no, no, that would be amazing.

I'm gonna need to know the exact number of miles

the car has driven. - Yeah.

As soon as I figure out how to find that information,

I will definitely tell you. - Okay.

- But the car's in great shape. - Why you sellin' it then, huh?

- Well, Astrid, I feel that my life

is in a new place right now.

I changed jobs, I deleted dating apps,

I um, got bored of my car.

So, come on, let's cut the crap and make a deal.

- All right, all right, all right.

Is it safe? - It's got airbags.

It's got tons of airbags. Getting in a crash

in this thing is like... falling into a pillow fort.

- She got tires? - Yeah.

- Does it have winter tires?

(sighing)

Summer tires? - Yes.

- Cruise control. (scoffs)

- Not when I'm driving.

Wink. - Wink.

- I don't know how to use it. It's on there.

- How fast does it go? - All the usual speeds?

- Ooh, mama like that.

Let's talk numbers. - Yeah?

Okay, that's a good deal.

(James): Trying to get something done

when there's a kid at home sick is a game of chance.

(Astrid): There's a chance they'll wanna sleep,

or watch TV, or do homework.

(James): But there's a much bigger chance

that they'll want your attention.

- I'm bored-a.

- Well, good news, I just cleared up enough space

on this laptop to download Flout portal.

So, now I have about 30 minutes.

Do you wanna play work? - Yes!

You'll be the boss and I could be your secretary.

- Or we could be equals in a system

that doesn't use a hierarchy, and instead, values people

as individuals and what they bring to the table separately,

and then gives them proper-- (phone vibrating)

Oh, don't um, touch-- - This is my daddy's secretary.

How could I help you? - Viv, put the phone down.

I'll be right with you. - Uh-huh.

- Ah, Viv. - Okay.

- Give me the phone.

Still infectious, honey sweetie.

You can't be touching stuff

that's gonna get near people's faces.

- Then you have to be the secretary.

- Well, all right. Who was that?

- Felix. And he forgot his presentation.

- Oh. You know what?

You know what? It's good.

It's perfect even, because by the time we get back,

this will be fully downloaded.

Did he say where he left his presentation?

Hey, I told you, you're not allowed

to do homework on my work laptop.

This is for work only.

Also you deleted my racing game.

I need that back after class. - M'kay.

- Why is your hand raised? - I'm in school mode.

It happens as soon as I walk in here.

- Well, that's terrifying.

- Why is Viv dressed like a pirate?

- Well, I didn't want the teachers to know

I brought a kid with pink eye back into the school. Yes?

- Can I go to the bathroom? - You may.

- Oh, I think it's my turn to present.

- Oh, cool, man. Can I, can I come in there?

Maybe, maybe watch? - No, no, no, no.

Please don't. Just can you leave maybe?

Or wait? - Absolutely, man. Absolutely.

(whistling)

(Felix): Okay, hi everyone, just loading this up.

- Oh, there he is.

- Today I'm going to talk to you about the Maned wolf.

- Hey, excuse me. - Huh?

- You can't record students. - Oh, no, no.

No, I'm Felix's dad.

- So? It's against the rules. And creepy.

- Okay. (chuckling)

There's nothing creepy going on here.

- Hey!

You promised me candy if I wore this costume.

Time to pay up.

- Dude. - We're just gonna go.

Okay, come on, come on. - What about my candy?

- Shh-shh-shh-shh. Everything you say is bad.

- Ah. - Step.

Okay. - Okay.

- Almost there. - Uh, I can close my own eyes.

- Ta-da!

Your new car! - My what?

- Low mileage, great price, airbags galore.

- It's an eyesore. - Well, you'll be in the car,

where you can't see it. - Well--

- It's safe, it's affordable.

This is a great car for you, Mom.

- It looks like an eggplant, and I don't know if you know,

but eggplant means something different now.

- Yes, I've heard. Why don't you sit behind the wheel?

There's a bit of a cologne smell but--

- What I need, Astrid, is for you to understand

you don't need to hold my hand through buying a car.

- Mom, you always get talked

into buying things you don't need.

- I decide what I need.

I pinched pennies all my life raising two kids alone.

Now I can buy an extended warranty for my toaster,

or a premium subscription to an egg recipe app if I want.

So, butt out.

(James): What? (Astrid): I hate when my mom is right.

- Hmm. - She's gonna buy a gold Hummer

just to spite me.

- How was Ennis with taking his car back?

- Yeah, fine. He sold it to a piercing influencer who paid all cash.

- I do not understand the job market.

I really hope I get hired.

- If you get hired, can we buy a gold Hummer?

Just so my mom can't gloat?

- This family definitely needs another car,

otherwise, some member is gonna have to get voted off.

Oh hey, Felix, my man, come here.

You got my laptop? - Um, it's in my backpack.

- Okay, can you, can you get it?

- My backpack's at school, so... no.

- Uh-huh.

and desperate to make this sale.

Bad news, I'm a pretty darn good negotiator.

(laughing)

- Astrid, what are you doing here?

I thought I told you to butt out?

- Yes, you did, and you were right.

My butt's here to support you.

- Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you, sweetie. - Ugh, get a room!

(laughing) I'm kidding.

I'm weird about intimacy,

but I am signed up for a workshop at the library, so.

- Well, I am buying a car today so, sell me something good.

- Unfortunately, the sedan is gone.

- Oh. - But we did just get in

a minivan that could do the trick.

- What's wrong with it? - Nothing.

Except no one would ever wanna be caught dead in one.

(laughing)

Ironically, no one would, because they're that safe.

- Yeah, boring. - Yeah, preach.

- Hold on, how much is the minivan?

- Well, let me put it this way, very cheap.

- Do you want the minivan, Astrid?

- I mean, we... we need the extra room.

But no, I'm here for you, Mom.

- No, but what if I take over your car payments

and you buy the minivan? - We can't afford it.

- Well, you can if the payments

are the same as your current car.

- Yes, but I--

- And maybe I could splurge on the difference.

Hmm? What are your financing options?

- I don't know. I faked my way through training.

But my manager owes me a huge favor.

- Well then, it's time to cash in.

All right! - Yeah!

(Astrid): I should probably call James.

- I saw him do a crime. An illegal one.

It wasn't murder.

But I think, under the right circumstances, he could--

Hi, Rick? Yeah.

(James): Thank you so much for seeing me again.

- Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, do you have pink eye?

- Yeah, I know it looks bad, but it's not contagious.

You know what else looks bad? That I didn't finish that assessment.

- Or even start.

- Well, I think if you consider why I didn't finish.

- Start. - Not only will you understand

but you might even be impressed. - Sure.

I like a challenge. I can do Sudoku with either hand.

- Okay, so what had happened was, I was managing...

a series of circumstances, scenarios, if you will, at home.

All of which I resolved on time and under budget.

Because although I am not detail oriented,

I am very result oriented.

Which, if I recall, was one of the job requirements.

In conclusion, bottom line, I am great under pressure.

When things go bad, I'm the guy you want on your team.

- Well, that... that does sound impressive.

Uh, but from my perspective,

I asked you to do one thing and you didn't do it.

- Yeah, I know it's a total red flag.

Ah, I would be so good at this job, though.

- I bet. Unfortunately, we went in a different,

younger, cheaper direction.

- Hmm, right.

- Yeah. - I am contagious.

- But you, you shook my hand. - That's on you, buddy.

Literally. And so, you got it for sure.

Muah! Peace!

(Astrid): You disappointed?

- No, I'm more um, what's the word?

Oh, crushed. - Right.

When your favorite giraffe died at the zoo.

- He did? - No.

- Felix, my man.

- Hey, how'd today go?

- Oh, you mean my A-plus presentation?

- What?! - Amazing, buddy.

- Thanks for bringing me the computer.

You totally saved me.

(Astrid): We'd do anything for our kids,

but a little gratitude goes a long way.

(James): Because we're starved for appreciation.

(Astrid): Yeah, it's such a thankless job

that any drop of thanks feels like a thank flood.

It's frankly unhealthy. (James): Oh, totally unhealthy.

But we love it!

This can go on the fridge, man.

is a good fit for you?

- Well, I wanna tell ya a couple things.

It starts with my very birth.

I ripped my way into this world. - Here we go.

- Yeah. And I fully intend to do that in this position.

- That's not necessary. - But I think that that shows

that I'm determined and that I can be aggressive when I need to be.

- How familiar are you with livestock?

- Oh, livestock, I do have

some experience with. - Oh, really? Oh, that's great.

- Little bit more experience with what I would refer to as deadstock.

- Deadstock? - Yeah, I ran a pet cemetery

as a teenager.

- You seem like a, a great candidate for this job.

I'm just worried that, you know, with your history

the last three years, that maybe you would jump

to something else if it, if it came up.

- Close your eyes. - Right now?

- Please.

I want you to think of the number

you were thinking of paying the person that gets this job.

- Okay. - Make it smaller.

- You're hired. (chuckling)

No benefits though. - Oh.

(laughing) Well, I think we should,

you know, keep it platonic to start.

(rhythmic music)

Subtitling: difuze