Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

♪

(Text on screen)

(sighs)

(Astrid): Before kids, your stuff was your stuff.

You found things where you left them,

in the condition that you left them in.

And if it was covered in chocolate fingerprints,

those were your chocolate fingerprints.

(Viv): Mommy, I can't find your brush!

(Morris): I'm hung-y!

(Astrid): Viv, that's my breakfast.

Felix, why are you going through my purse?

(Viv): Hey, that's my doll!

- Because I need a pen to finish my homework.

(James): Take it easy, all right. - Is this my shirt?

(James): Kids have a more communal attitude

towards your stuff. If it's yours, it's also theirs.

(Astrid): Unless it's time to clean up.

(sighs)

- I assume everyone has made their beds?

- Ugh! Damn. (Viv): Ugh.

- All right, I'm gonna go to work early.

Enjoy your day off. You deserve it.

- Bye.

(theme music plays)

(upbeat music playing)

- Ew. Hey, Siri, skip song.

- Felix, it's the radio. You can't tell it what to do.

- Well, I like that some rando decides what we listen to.

- Ha! DJs play a very important cultural role, curating,

connecting us with new artists.

(DJ): Okay, big question once again.

Using the toilet while your partner's

in the shower, nope or dope?

Let us know where you stand.

Now it's time for Freak of the Week,

where you could win a mystery vacation.

This week's freak is Astrid Berney!

- Mom! - Oh, my God! What?!

Shh, Felix! Shh!

(DJ): Astrid, expect a call from us sometime today.

And if you answer with

"I'm the Freak of the Week, give it to me,"

you'll win a trip somewhere freaky.

- Where's my phone?

- I don't see it anywhere. - You're not even looking.

- It's your phone and you always lose it.

- You know what? Maybe I always lose it

because you guys are always taking it.

Taking pictures. Making movies.

Playing my farm game. Beating the level

that I was enjoying.

Or, or maybe I lose it

because all I ever do is keep track

of your appointments! And your homework!

And your playdates! Uh, oh, oh, where's my binder?

Where, is it down here? Where's my binder?

Should I find it? Help, where is it?

Have I been vaccinated for this? Have I been vaccinated for that?

Did you ever think, Felix, for one moment,

for one simple moment,

that I might need my phone

for something important one day?

Like Freak of the Week?!

Now, rally the troops.

We are not leaving this house until we find my phone.

(James): Weird to see the office packed up in boxes.

- Is it just me or is it kinda spooky in here

without any of the stuff? - Yeah.

(Bo): Gentlemen! - Yeesh.

- I don't have much time. Today is Corey's birthday

and we're leaving for our nation's

premiere theme park, Canada's land of wonder.

- Ooh. You finally gonna have a hotdog?

- No. - Hey, Bo,

most of our stuff is over at Gero's new offices,

so I don't really know what we're doing here.

- Ah, to be fair, he doesn't know what he's doing most days.

(laughing) - Yeah, yeah.

Well, as you know, I'm taking a step back from GoBo,

and Marla's the new President of Gero's.

So, I'm gonna need someone to run this company full-time.

And that someone is the both of you.

- We're the boss? - Both?

It's the both of us. (laughing)

- Yes. I am making you the new co-COOs of GoBo.

(fake laugh) With two babies on the way,

this space is going to become Corey's bedroom.

The bed is arriving later today

and I'm gonna have to trust my two top dudes to assemble it.

- So, our first job as COO is to assemble Corey's bed?

(Bo): Mm-hmm. - You can count on us.

We are all over it. Boom. - Mmm.

(Ennis): Hey, how long have those shelves of yarn been there?

(inquisitive music)

- Why are we looking in my room?

(Astrid): Because when things go missing,

they tend to end up in here.

Viv, I need you to think, okay?

I need you to really, really think.

What did you do after breakfast this morning?

- Yes. I was using it as a TV for my dolls.

They were watching The Real Life

Hoochie Dolls of Miami, California.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

You really think Miami is in California?

Oh, my God. - Felix, please, not now.

- Morris kept taking my dolls

and eating their feet. I got mad at him.

And then, I looked in the mirror for a long time.

I was trying to see if I could turn around

fast enough to see the back of my head.

- Viv, focus.

(Morris): Moo, moo, moo.

- Morris took it.

(celebratory music)

(Astrid, Viv, Felix): Morris! Morris! Morris!

Morris! Morris!

- My phone in the dryer?

(music fades abruptly)

No.

- Why are we even listening to this guy?

He doesn't know anything. - Okay.

Dude...

Gonna need you to show Mommy where you put her phone.

(inquisitive music)

- Hey, while we're waiting

for this bed to get here, can you give me the too long,

didn't read, abbreviated summary of what a COO does?

- Yeah, uh well, my guess is that I'm gonna do all the work,

you're gonna skate by on charm and get paid the same.

- No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna help.

I think I'm gonna be a real asset, I bet.

- A second ago, you didn't know this wall had yarn in it.

- But you taught me, and now I know.

And now it's in there. (whizzes)

- What, are you jump-starting your own head?

- No, I was welding. (whizzes)

- That's a... Weld is a fire.

It's like a lighting of a... (hisses)

- Oh. - What?

Are you okay? - Yeah, oh yeah.

Here you go. - All right.

Well, James, consider building this bed

the beginning of our new,

equal amount of work, working relationship.

- Okay.

- Here are the instru...

(groans)

...instructions.

- Is this it? Do I call Dawn?

Do we get the dookie and the sister wife?

- No, relax. It's a practice contraction.

- Oh, right, the Toni Braxton ones.

- Braxton Hicks. (Ennis): Oh yeah.

- I know when to call the midwife.

- Okay, good.

Oh, boy, that was a really serious noise.

- Hmm. - I felt that in my butt

before I heard it in my ears.

- Wanna get started on this thing?

- Yeah, totally, totally. I'm thirsty.

Are you thirsty? - Huh? N...

(Astrid): Laundry basket? Yes.

(Viv): Morris is obsessed with laundry.

- No phone. And now I have to refold the towels.

What's next? Locusts?

- Wait, Dad used your phone this morning.

He lost his phone,

and then he used your phone to find it.

(Astrid): Yes, Felix! Go, Felix!

Go, Felix!

- Now, what's locusts?

- Uh, locusts are like big grasshoppers that travel

in packs of one billion and eat everybody's food.

- Cool!

- Pfft.

- Thought you were bringing my phone?

- No, I don't know where the phone is.

When Dad found his phone, he messaged me

that I wasn't allowed to use the iPad in my room

because the attention economy is...

(all): Eroding our brains.

- Yes, okay, well, we can use the iPad to text James.

- The iPad is dead. (Morris): Dead!

- Can we please go to school?

- School, yes. School.

(Viv): Yes! - Right, uh...

(Morris): It's raining outside. (Viv): Ok.

(inquisitive music)

- Not to uh, nudge you off your phone,

but I've started here.

- I'm actually watching the instructional video.

- Instructions are right there. - Yeah, but they're confusing.

Look, step 3, suddenly, the cartoon guy has a hat.

Is he outside in the sun? Is this a different guy?

- Sometimes people have hats. Sometimes they don't have hats.

It's just reflecting real life.

(Ennis): Real life? His skin is his clothes.

He doesn't have knees!

- Ennis, my man,

you've watched four videos on your phone

and one of them had a car chase in it.

- That was a car commercial.

And yeah, I coulda skipped it, but I recognized

the mountains in the commercial that they were driving through,

because my dad and I skied there when I was a kid.

- You know what? I'm used to it, Ennis.

I don't need your help. - You just asked for my help.

- Because you said you were interested in doing equal work.

But now look what's happening, you're not doing it.

This is exactly why we both shouldn't be in charge.

- I see. You're annoyed because Bo made us both CBOs,

and you think you deserve it more than me.

And you think you'll end up doing all the work

because I'm incompetent.

- Yes.

- Oh.

Yeah, okay...

(rhythmic music)

(DJ): That's what I get for being a Leafs fan.

Oh well.

Traffic and weather coming up at the top of the hour.

(phone vibrating) Still gotta reach out to the Freak of the Week.

- What's that? - Hope Astrid is ready for our call.

(phone vibrating) - Phone? Phone is that you?

(radio plays upbeat music)

Where are you? Come on!

(gags)

(grunting)

(phone vibrating)

Ah!

(toy phone buzzing)

(squeaky voice playing)

(upbeat music ends)

- Hey, James. - Hey, Zinnia.

- How's it go-o-o-o-o... (groans loudly)

(grunting)

(groaning)

(groans loudly)

- Was that a case of serious pregnancy or?

- No, it's all good. 'Til the contractions get closer together.

- Hmm. - How's the bed going?

- It's very hard. I can't believe this is my job.

- Oh, you wanna talk weird jobs, they track my vitals,

I'm not allowed to have "sad foods,"

and the family performs musical theatre to my belly.

- Bo performs all the cats in Cats?

- Bo performs all the cats in Cats.

- Ugh. I'd be a terrible surrogate.

- Well, thank God for Ennis.

He likes to lift people's spirits.

- I wish he'd lift a finger. - Hmm.

And he's a really tender lover.

- 'K.

- Learned about my hormone changes,

what kind of food I need so I don't get tired.

He's even taking prenatal yoga classes.

You know, when he's motivated, he's a really quick learner.

He's a very thoughtful partner.

And surprisingly flexible.

- Break time. Bye-bye.

(Nisha): Hello? - Oh.

Whatever you're bringing me, Mom, I don't want it.

- Oh, pfft, nonsense. You love this mug-a-phant.

(Astrid): Mom, never laid eyes on that mug before, okay?

- Spring cleaning? - No, Mom,

I can't find my phone. - Did you check your purse?

- Yes, I checked my purse. - What about your back pocket?

- The kids took it. They put it somewhere.

They're always taking my stuff.

It's like nothing belongs to me anymore.

- Is that my bracelet?

- Oh, yeah. I borrowed it.

- And here I was going out of my way

to return your mug-a-phant.

- Wait a sec...

You can call my phone. - You won't pick up.

That's why I always just come over.

(mysterious music)

- Call my phone, Mom. - Okay.

- Go on.

Give it a ring.

(call dials)

- Oh, it's ringing.

Hello? (Alice): Nisha!

- Oh, Alice.

(laughing) Isn't that funny?

I meant to call my daughter. How are you?

- Mom? - Oh! Ow, ow.

Is the nail black? (Alice): Oh, yes.

- Oh, my God, that's awful.

She was trying to get a bird out of the house

and she dropped a saxophone on her foot.

- Mom, can you call my phone?

- Okay, no don't worry, I'm coming over.

- Mom, can you just quickly call my phone?

(tense music)

- These have almonds in them?

- Hey, man.

(Zinnia groans)

(groaning stops)

- I put the hat on as a joke,

and then I forgot to take it off, okay?

- Ah.

Looks like you're getting pretty hungry.

- Oh yeah, so I'm greedy, on top of being lazy and dumb?

What else am I, Sleepy? Doc?

- I never said you were dumb. - Yeah, you did,

in the argument we had in my head.

And you actually had a pretty rude tone about it, too.

- Hold on, you can't make up an argument

and then get wounded like I'm the jerk.

- Oh, so I'm the jerk? Is that what you're saying?

So, I'm the jerk? You can't be the jerk because I'm the jerk.

You italicized "I'm." - I italicized?

(sighing)

- Zinnia needs to eat every two hours or she gets nauseous,

which seems completely backwards to me.

And I don't know, she's the one having the baby, so.

- Okay, but it's Dawn and Bo's baby, Ennis.

It's not like you have to keep it.

- Yeah, well, maybe I'm worried about keeping her.

After she has the baby, what does she need me for?

I'm completely irrelevant. Nobody needs me.

(sighs)

- You're in love.

With a very special woman.

(Zinnia groans loudly)

Okay, those two were actually very close together.

- You get her into bed. I have made a labour playlist

I will send to her phone, then I'll text you her password.

And I'm just gonna call the Stepford Wife

and the Doobie Brothers. - The midwife and the doula.

- I got it, James.

(Astrid): What is this?

Blech! (pounding on door)

- Ah, thank God you're here.

I did something really stupid.

I started making coq au vin,

and then I realized I don't have all the ingredients.

Could I borrow an onion, some white wine,

and some chicken?

- Yeah, yeah, come in.

I think I have some freezer burnt chicken thighs.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to your place?

- Heh. I was picked to win a radio prize

if I answer the phone when they call,

but I can't find my phone.

- You know what? I have an amazing system

to find things, uh, that works like magic.

Tarot cards. They never let me down.

It's how I make all my decisions.

You simply ask the cards a question.

- Where's my phone?

- Alaskan Husky, lover of solitude.

Ooh, Bernadoodle,

intelligent, yet playful.

Ha, Bloodhound.

Detective's best friend. Interesting, no?

That's a powerful one,

the Doberman, the dog of death.

Anything jumping out at you or?

- No, Rachel, 'cause they're dogs,

so I don't know why anything would jump out at...

No, wait.

Alaskan Husky, lover of solitude.

I hid in the bathroom to get alone time from the kids.

- Yes.

- Bernadoodle, intelligent and playful?

I was playing Farm Fanatic, a game of strategy.

- Yes, I've played that game.

I could never get my corn to grow.

- Bloodhound. Viv.

She sniffed me out.

She, she was banging on the door.

Before I opened it, I hid my phone in the bathtub!

- And then I called you,

and you didn't pick up because...

(both): It's dead!

Oh, my God!

(heroic music)

(shower curtain rattles)

(laughs maniacally)

- Wake up, baby. Wake up, baby.

You did it.

(panting)

(phone rings)

I'm the Freak of the Week. Give it to me!

(Dawn): Astrid?

- Dawn! (Dawn): Oh, Astrid!

- Dawn, what's wrong? (Dawn): Zinnia is in labour.

Bo and Corey are stuck on a rollercoaster.

And Bo has the car keys and Uber is taking forever.

I'm not gonna make it to my baby's birth.

- Dawn, yes, you are. Sit tight.

I'm coming to get you.

(panting)

Just gonna let that charge for a minute.

- James, did we make it?

- Yes, you made it. Ennis has everything under control.

He's called the doula and the midwife.

And your mother is picking up our kids, okay?

(Astrid): Okay. - Oh, Astrid.

Oh, thanks to you, I'm not gonna miss

the arrival of my little girl.

You're more than a sister. - Oh.

- You are a light in the dark.

(phone rings) You are my guiding star.

You are my knight in shining--

- I'm the Freak of the Week! Give it to me!

(DJ): Congratulations, Astrid! - I won!

(laughs loudly) (DJ): You are the Freak of the Week!

(Astrid): Woo! I won, baby!

Woo!

- Where's Zinnia?

- Giving birth in Corey's birthday bed.

- What? - She managed to put

the whole thing together herself.

Kind of like building a nest for her egg.

- It's my egg, James. It's my egg!

Zinnia, use towels!

- Okay, she is fully dilated.

Her cerveza is the size of a bagel.

- You mean cervix.

- Uh, it's pronounced "bagel," James.

I need a receptacle of some sort

to catch the polenta.

- The placenta's much bigger than a mug.

It looks like Krang from the Ninja Turtles.

You're gonna want a bowl, something bigger.

- I forgot about Krang.

James, I got this.

(Zinnia groans)

Zinnia, I've got a bowl for Krang!

(exhales)

(Astrid): Hi. - Hey.

- I won a trip. - What? How?

- I'm the Freak of the Week.

- You're the freak of the century.

- Um, it's an adventure tour. - Okay.

- 20,000 leagues under the Georgian Bay.

(laughs)

- Cool... sounding.

We're, what is it? We're scuba diving?

- It's a little submarine.

So, you climb in and it takes you deep,

deep, deep under the water.

And we stay in a hotel.

Not underwater, on land, if we make it back up.

When we make it back up.

Sorry, there's a waiver that I had to...

- Ahem, I don't want this prize.

- I don't want it. I don't want it.

(James): Thank God.

Congrats, though. - I just wanted...

us to think about ourselves for a moment.

- Well, I think about you all the time.

- I should have called you today.

But I didn't have my phone.

And James, without my phone,

I don't have your number.

- What?

You know, I know your number by heart.

- No. - I have a whole song about it.

♪ 416, she's my favourite chick ♪

♪ 555, makes me feel so alive ♪

♪ 01, she's lots of fun ♪

♪ And 06, she makes my heart tick, tick ♪

♪ She's my beautiful wife, she's the love of my life ♪

♪ I'm so happy that she's my girl ♪

(inhales and exhales deeply)

- Why does the song keep going after the number?

- I guess I love you that much.

(tender music)

- Sing my song again.

- Mm-hmm.

♪ 416, she's my favourite chick ♪

♪ 555, make me feel... ♪

(Ennis): You should get to keep that robe.

(Zinnia): I know. (Dawn): Isn't she beautiful?

- You did it, man. You helped the baby get born.

- Pfft, yeah. It's crazy, right?

- I've never seen you be, uh, so in charge.

- Get used to it, my friend.

(Zinnia chuckles lovingly)

(Ennis chokes) - Oh, you okay?

Wrong pipe?

- Oh, look at you two lovebirds

all in love drinking gin out of a can.

(laughing)

- Um, I got some really cute shots of the baby.

And then I saw all the pictures

that our kids took on my phone. - Oh, my gosh.

(James): It's frustrating that your stuff gets borrowed,

misplaced, and used up by grubby little hands.

(laughing)

(Astrid): It's true that your phone, clothes,

and lunch are no longer yours alone, but on the flip side...

- Drink?

(Astrid): ...neither is your joy,

your sorrow, your laughter, your love.

(James): So, be happy that you get to share it all.

(Astrid): 'Cause you don't have much choice.

- Zinnia, Ennis,

would you like to hold the baby?

- Oh, no thanks.

- Oh, not in the least, actually.

- No, it's okay. (Ennis): I'm good. Looks great.

(Zinnia): Thanks, though. - Okay.

Hey, ooh.

♪ J... James is your name ♪

♪ A, A, A, A, he's an amazing guy ♪

- 'K.

♪ M, M, M, he's the man that I married ♪

♪ E, E, E, he's everything to me ♪

- There's another, there's one more letter.

(Astrid): No, I know. I know there is. Yeah.

♪ S, S, S, he's... ♪

- It's a popular letter.

There's lots of stuff. - Hmm. James, shh, I'm thinking.

(theme music)

Subtitling: difuze