Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

♪

(Text on screen)

(tender music plays)

- Am I six feet, yet?

- Hate to break it to you, babe, you may never be six feet.

- Then I'll be seven feet tall and live in a giant house,

and if you get too close, I'll throw a horse at you.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Come on, buddy, you're up next.

All right, head back. Take these guys off.

- Hey, leave it. You'll wreck my hair.

- Get your head back. (Felix): Hey.

(laughing)

(Astrid): Parents love to keep track of their kids' growth.

We measure them.

(James): We learn about percentiles,

like they might be the 30th percentile for height,

but the 90th percentile for head size.

(Astrid): You're describing a bobblehead.

(James): But there's no growth chart

for being a well-rounded human.

(Astrid): So, it's your job to help them develop

skills and hobbies so they're not totally boring.

- You guys should measure yourselves, too.

- Oh, we stopped growing a long time ago, pal.

Soon we're gonna start shrinking.

Our spines will compress, we'll probably get osteoporosis

from not doing enough weight-bearing exercises.

- Oh, now I remember why we stopped measuring our kids.

It's depressing.

- Did you guys stop when Morris was born?

- We never measured Morris.

- Okay, well, he was all these heights at some point.

- This is... - Yeah.

- ...smart.

(theme music)

(school bell ringing)

(Miss Wu): Thank you for taking time off work to come and chat.

I've been putting notes in our communications folder

for weeks. Are you um, are you getting those?

- Oh, Viv must have lost the folder.

She can be forgetful.

- Which is why you signed up

for the school's electronic folder system.

- We can be forgetful, too. - Yeah, found it.

We were supposed to bring rice crispy squares

to the fall fair. - Ooh.

(James): Lot of notes to catch up on.

- I wanna talk about Viv's reading,

uh, specifically about how she's... not really doing it.

- Well, um, okay.

Well, kids with ADHD can struggle with reading, so.

I'm sorry, should we be worried? - No, no.

I just wanted to raise a flag and work with you

to get Viv excited about books. It's no big D.

- Right, hear that, James? No big D.

- I think we'll decide how big a D it is, thank you.

- Well, lots of kids struggle at this age.

Mostly boys, but it's totally normal.

We just don't want Viv to fall behind.

- Okay, well, girls have the right

to be behind in reading, too.

- Of course, that was just a little observation.

Again, no big D.

- Okay, well, I'll tell you

what's starting to become a big D for me.

- Yeah, what can we do to help Viv?

- Well, we track the student's progress

through the Mr. Brown series of primary books.

But Viv's only read the first one.

- Okay, well... (school bell ringing)

- Oh, that's for all the students.

- Thank you for bringing it to our attention.

(Miss Wu): Of course. - Which you did four months ago.

- It's our only copy.

- We need to get Viv a tutor.

- We don't. - Yes, we do.

- The teacher was just raising a flag.

- You know who else raises flags? Pirates.

They raise flags of death. - Oh, free association Astrid

is the most difficult Astrid to talk to.

- You know who else talks? Teachers in private schools.

Private schools with better ADHD support.

And a personal horse

that acts as both gym equipment and a reading buddy.

- She does not need a reading horse.

We are her reading horse.

- Viv isn't reading. Felix quit baseball.

Morris barely talks.

James, our kids have stopped developing.

Do you know who else has stopped developing, James?

- Oh, boy. - Dinosaurs.

- Okay, look, Morris gets a pass.

Felix, yeah, you're right about that,

he needs to do something. He needs a hobby real bad.

- Oh, okay, maybe Felix's hobby

could be helping Viv with her reading.

- That hobby is called parenting.

- You know what else is called parenting?

What we're about to do right now.

(rhythmic music)

- Mr. Brown...

has a li... it... tle...

- A little... - Purple?

I found a purple flower at school.

Wanna know what it's called?

- No, Viv, let's, let's focus on the book.

We're almost done. We're on page... 2.

- Can we get a dog like Mr. Brown?

- No, but we can read about Mr. Brown's

little pup, pup... Ah.

- Guess what song this is?

(clapping rhythmically)

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Um, are you embarrassed about your reading?

- No. This book is so boring-uh.

- Okay. Well, why don't we find you

something more exciting to read?

- Well, I wanna read books about...

(clapping)

- Gonna have to use your words, babe.

- Ad-ven-ture.

- Okay, well, in that case, we will find you

the best adventure books in the whole world.

'Til then, I think you need to...

(clapping)

- Eat my farts.

- Wrong! Go to bed.

- Pretty sure it was eat my farts.

- No, I think it's off to bed, kiddo.

(blows fart noise)

(fake chomp)

(indistinct chatter)

- Gentlemen, Gero's new president

wants GoBo to change its logo.

- Uh-oh, sounds like we got a logo no-go.

Let's have fun today. - No.

Now, I've narrowed down the top 100

design submissions to 15.

I need you to choose the top three.

(James): Why do we have to change the logo?

- Oh, in my experience, new leaders

like to make arbitrary changes to flex.

Makes for a lot of pointless work.

- Yeah, presidents don't know anything.

Hey. - This one started work

at age ten. That's how you get ahead.

- It's also child labour.

- Here, let me look at these. No.

- Yeah, I agree. - Yeah, maybe pile.

- That's like a Robocop. - Hi!

- Hi.

- GoBo is going to start giving back.

We will help develop future leaders

by hiring an intern today.

I've carefully selected Corey for the job.

- Yeah, sure, cool, whatever.

- Oh, so you're okay with child labour

as long as it benefits you.

- This will not benefit me. - I look forward to learning.

- Uh, okay, I got a lesson for you.

Get me a coffee. - Pour over or French press?

- Uh, surprise me.

Hmm, wow. Kid's got potential.

(Viv): Is there bubble tea where we're going?

- We're going to the park to see Morris and your mom.

- Pretend I have a sprained ankle, okay?

- Okay. (Viv grunts)

Ooh, good limpin'!

Hey, you know, I saw a poster at your school

that said they were having pickleball club at recess.

You know, that's the fastest growing sport in the world.

- I'm busy at recess. - Okay. What, doing what?

- Me and my friends hang out in the field

and listen to podcasts. - Oof, my God.

- What? - Well...

- They're educational. - But...

- How many kids my age know what a VCR is?

- But you're not doing anything.

You need like a physical or creative outlet.

(Viv): Can I have these, please?

- Uh... I don't know. What does that say?

(Viv): Take these? - No, it says, "free stuff."

So, yes, you can have that. - Yes!

- Ooh. Ooh, you gotta get in here, Felix.

Some pretty sweet goods. Look at this. Rubik's Cube.

You ever seen one of these?

You know, I used to play with these when I was a kid.

Taught me problem solving skills I still use to this day.

- No, I don't have any problems, so.

- Okay. Um...

Hey, look at this. You love drawing.

Oh, my, look at that, man.

It's not even used. What do you say?

You can draw while you listen to podcasts.

- Okay, sure. - There you go, that's a win.

(Viv): Daddy, can I have this cup, please?

(James): Oh, uh, yeah,

only one treasure per person, Wonder Girl.

- Okay.

(Astrid): And blue.

Yeah.

- Roar! - Ah! Oh, Felix!

(laughing) What took you guys so long?

- We found some treasures. Viv got some books.

Felix got some pencil crayons. (Astrid): Oh.

- And a mug for you, my sweet.

- You know me so well. Beer truly is my coffee.

(Viv): Can you read one to me, Mommy?

- Yeah, let's read together. - All right, dudes,

race to the park. Let's go! (Felix): Oh!

- Oh, you're gonna finish in last place, buddy.

I'm gonna take you. (Morris mumbling)

- Okay, what do we have here?

"Itsy Bitsy Mommy and the Big Stain."

Okay.

"Itsy Bitsy Mommy Stays Quiet."

"Itsy Bitsy Mommy Makes Room for Others."

- Can we read one?

- Yeah.

"One hot, summer day, Itsy Bitsy Mommy Doreen

wanted to have some fun.

So, she made a big pitcher of lemonade for Big Daddy Dog.

But she tripped and spilled lemonade all over his shirt.

He got so mad, he growled."

- Oh, no. What will he wear now?

- "To make Big Daddy Dog happy,

Itsy Bitsy Mommy Doreen decided to--"

- "to bake him a...

c-a-ke."

I love the way Itsy Bitsy Mommy Doreen looks.

(Astrid): We gotta get rid of those books.

Itsy Bitsy Mommy is a teeny, weeny trad-wife.

- Well, just get her the books that Felix learned to read on,

the submarine shark. - What? That's not any better.

A shark that drives a submarine, James?

There's no logic to that. - Viv is reading.

Isn't that the whole point of the whole thing?

- Oh, James. Reading is about expanding your mind,

not lobotomizing it.

- Hey guys, check out my new drawing.

(James gasps) - You did not do that?

- Get... outta the town. - Come on, Felix!

(both): What is that?

- It's planets exploding in space.

- Yes, amazing! - Yeah. Yeah, wow!

Is that for school tomorrow? - No, tomorrow's a PA day.

- Uh, yeah. I know that, Felix.

Did you know that, James?

- Yeah, I knew the heck outta that.

Hey um, tomorrow,

GoBo is doing a new logo design.

You wanna come in to work with me?

- Sweet. - Yeah, okay, that's one down.

Um, uh sweetie, honey,

why are you wearing an apron?

- Didn't wanna dirty my frock

while I sharpened Felix's pencil crayons.

- Hmm.

- Drawing is hungry work, Felix.

Can I make you up a plate?

(tense music) (whispering): Itsy Bitsy Mommy.

- Uh, oh, uh, thank you, Viv.

- We gotta get rid of those books.

- Mm-hmm.

(Astrid): Mom, the only thing in here is Teen Beat magazines

and Archie comics. Why'd you let me read this garbage?

- Same reason I let Dawn do the taxes.

You were exploring your interests.

- We have to find something stimulating for Viv.

She's obsessed with these Itsy Bitsy Mommy books.

They're trash.

- If we chose what you kids liked,

we'd never have let you listen

to that screaming scary vampire music.

♪ Oh, here's a chicken, let's bite off its head ♪

♪ Oh, look, its blood is red ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- What song was that? - Well, you know.

♪ Drink my blood, we're together in bed ♪

♪ With the red blood, blood ♪

(moaning)

Oh. I almost forgot.

The new Bridgemaker's Cousin book is out.

(Astrid gasps) - Gimme! Oh, my God,

I heard the cousin reveal in this one is insane.

- Oh, it's less about who is a cousin

and more about who isn't.

(Astrid laughs)

- Viv, what's on your face?

- Itsy Bitsy Mommy Doreen

always powders her nose before going out.

- Okay, change of plans.

Viv's coming to work with me today.

- On election day? - Oh yeah,

this is a perfect chance for her to see

what a big mommy does.

Or woman. A big woman.

Who's also a mommy. No matter the size.

Oh, my God, I'm James-ing.

(rhythmic music)

- What about one that's like a ball of yarn

with a needle through it, but it's shaped like a heart.

It's like Cupid. - That's this one.

- Yeah.

- As requested, chips and dip four ways,

but the tenderloin needs a few more minutes in the sous vide.

- Hmm, okay. - Now can I learn about GoBo?

- The learning has already begun.

(James sighs)

Hey, you know what I would like is a ginger ale.

- I don't think we have those.

Be right on it.

(Felix): Hey, Dad. - Yeah?

- Check this out.

- What? You made that? That's amazing!

- Maybe you can use it for the logo.

(Astrid): A child's ego is a delicate thing.

(James): You wanna puff it up enough

to keep them happily afloat in the kiddie pool of life.

(Astrid): But over-inflate it and they'll think

they're ready for more dangerous waters.

(James): But they won't be. Especially if you've been lax

with the swimming lessons and their heavy head

is in the 90th percentile.

Uh, this is turning into a drowning analogy.

Too dark, I want out. (Astrid): Abandon ship, James.

- Yeah, for our logo, I, I uh, you know what?

I'll say this, this is one of the best drawings

you've ever done. I can say that.

- Gentlemen, I just got word

that the president of Gero's is coming today.

So, I need you to narrow down the top three logos, stat.

- Marla, is there any intern services I can provide for you?

- Hmm. My scorpions need to feed. Come.

(Corey): Okay.

- She's not actually gonna feed Corey to the scorpions?

- I hope not.

- All right, Viv, take a look around.

Look at all these hard-working women here on election day.

No little mommies in sight.

- Mommy, she looks like a Doreen.

- Well, she's not, Viv.

She's an involved community member

and a very hard-working volunteer.

Her name is...

I forget her name, but it's not Doreen.

- Yo, how do you turn on the dishwasher again?

I always forget and you're like, a dishwashing wizard.

(Viv squeals) (annoyed chuckle)

- Jean-Luc, go do some work.

(laughs) - Yeah, I probably should.

I haven't done anything. Woo!

- Astrid, somehow, I got minestrone soup

all over my lucky tie. It's like an Italian curse.

- Leonard, breathe. Give it to me. I got it.

You know what? No tie is great. You're a man of the people now.

- Yeah, I guess I do feel a lot freer to cut the crap.

Well done. - Yeah, see? Ha. Ha, ha.

- Tsk, tsk. Whatever shall we do

about this nasty, nasty spot?

(indistinct chatter)

- Can't we just go with the top two?

- Yeah? - Gentlemen, the new President

of Gero's has arrived.

Prepare yourselves.

(James): Oh, for what?

Oh, Marla, are you the new President?

(suspenseful music)

- I am the new President of Gero's. Surprise!

(both): Yay! Congratulations, Marla! That's amazing.

- Well, how? How did this happen?

- The old President was let go after an email surfaced

about a clandestine puppy mill ring.

(chuckles slyly) In the chaotic scramble

to find a replacement, I was the only stable choice.

For my first act as President, I will choose a new logo.

- Oh, hold on, real quick.

That's actually a different pile.

That's a different thing. - What is this?

- Oh, that one's mine. It's good, right, Dad?

- Yeah. I love it. I think it's really good.

Right, Ennis?

- I think you could do better. (James): Ennis!

- What, it's uneven here. There's eraser marks.

What, is there a beehive for some reason?

- The colour scheme's all "pbbt".

(James): Oh, no, I don't--

- You said it was my best drawing.

- It is. I love it.

It's just, for GoBo, it might not be right.

(Felix sighs)

Oh. (Leonard): Come on, people!

How long does it take to count a few votes?

(Jean-Luc): Uh, yeah, yeah.

Um, sure. Yeah, I'll let him know. Yeah, thanks.

We won.

(all cheering)

(all): Cut the crap! Cut the crap! Cut the crap!

Cut the crap! - Okay, okay, everybody.

Quiet down. We have a lot of work to do.

I need you to run point,

field interview requests and photos.

Jean-Luc, get the press ready. - On it.

- Let's do it now. Come on, guys.

- Where's my uh... - Oh, Leonard, your speech.

14 point Helvetica bold, double-spaced,

no italics because slants... - Make me dizzy. Good job.

And Astrid, you know,

I know I... can be a lot.

(Astrid exhales)

But I couldn't have done any of this without you.

I'm proud to work with you.

- Ahem, congratulations, again.

From me and my entire family.

Ahem, including Viv. Ahem, Viv! Psst!

Yoo-hoo, Viv.

(Jean-Luc): Press is here.

- It's showtime!

- Oh wait, Leonard, your collar. Okay.

- Yay, Mommy!

You're a really good helper.

- I only need seven more yellows on this side.

- Viv asked to do the dishes tonight.

But I know she only asked

because of the Itsy Bitsy Mommies.

Those books are such garbage, James.

- Yeah. How are those smutty cousins books going?

- The Bridgemaker's Cousin series, James?

- Oh yes, that one.

- The historical fiction that I'm reading?

- Uh-huh. - It's hardly smut.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay?

Though, this one is a little spicier than the rest.

- Ah.

- There's a third cousin in this one.

It's...

(sighing)

- Meanwhile...

Felix may never draw again

after Ennis destroyed him at work today.

He's back on the podcasts. Are our kids doomed?

- No, not if we course correct.

That's why I bought Viv a new book

on the way home from work.

"Historical Strong Women Bedtime Stories."

- Oh. - Course corrected.

- Ooh.

(Viv): Mommy, can kids get burned at the stake?

- No, babe, not anymore.

Go to sleep.

Course corrected.

(J): B?

(podcast plays through headphones)

- Oh, don't look at that. This one's better.

- No, no, no. This is amazing.

I'm just happy to see you sticking with it.

You know, I was afraid that,

that Marla and Ennis ruined it for you.

- Them? Why would you say

my drawing was your favourite when it wasn't even that good?

- No, listen, I truly love the stuff that you make.

But I also truly love you.

So, it can be hard for me to be objective sometimes.

- Do you think this could be the new GoBo logo?

- Are you kidding? They'd be crazy not to have it.

- Tell the truth.

- Okay, it's not good enough yet.

But if you stick with it, who knows what could happen?

- I do.

(James): Felix Industries?

The top of the "i" in Felix has a shading issue.

- No, it's really good, Dad.

- Yeah, but no, yep, yep, yep. - Really good.

- The Mirabal sisters refused to live

under a dictatorship and helped bring democracy to the Dominican Republic.

Despite their best efforts, the three sisters were...

- What's wrong, Mommy?

- Um, the...

Well, you know, not every story has a happy ending.

The important thing is that these three women

were inspirational.

And I, I will tell you why when you're older.

- Maybe we should read one of my books.

- Maybe we should.

- "Itsy Bitsy Mommy Stays Quiet."

"One cool, spring day, Big Daddy Dog was in a rush

to get to work and almost went without a lunch."

- Viv, that's amazing reading.

(Viv giggles)

(Astrid): It's normal to compare your kids to their peers.

Or a list of benchmarks.

Or one time, an impressive celebrity dog.

(James): But kids develop at different rates,

so calm down or you'll be in the 100th percentile for stress headaches.

(Astrid): And go easy on yourself.

You're still growing, too.

- Then, Itsy Bitsy Mommy pulled off their whole face.

Surprise! She was a gross alien the whole time.

- Mm, I don't know, I think you're making that up.

- I think it's an improvement.

- She had nine eyes and she was covered in scuzz,

but you think she cared? She didn't.

She was there to free the people of Earth from oppression.

(laughing) - Yes, she was!

Betty and Veronica spent their whole time chasing Archie,

when it was Reggie who was the real snack.

(clicks tongue) - Ew, Mom.

- And yet, you managed to run a successful

re-election campaign.

It all evens out in the wash, kiddo.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Parenting is so much harder now.

I didn't have to hear every study, every opinion,

and every carcinogen warning.

Take a breath. You're doing great.

- Thanks, Mom. - Aw.

And you're a real snack.

- Mom, why do you keep saying "snack?"

- It's my latest thing. (Astrid chuckles)

(theme music)

Subtitling: difuze