Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

♪

(Text on screen)

- Why don't we have any bread? Or fruit? Or ice?

- Yeah, I'll uh, make a list and go grocery shopping later.

Is that Felix's hoodie? - Oh, yeah.

Got mixed in with my laundry, and I dunno, kinda fits, right?

- Magical time in a boy's life.

Not quite a man, sort of a small woman.

- At least we have coffee. - No, no, no, no.

I brushed with the kids' bubble gum toothpaste this morning.

Makes coffee taste yucky.

- Add adult toothpaste to the list.

- Will do. (Morris): Viv.

(James): Viv, honey, the couch is not a trampoline.

(James): Becoming a parent changes the way you age.

(Astrid): First off, your body gets old a lot faster,

but your sense of style stays the same.

(James): Hmm, you listen to kids' music, watch kids' TV,

and eat chicken tenders three times a week.

(Astrid): It's like you experience all ages at the same time.

Sometimes you behave like an old grump,

and other times you just kind of act like your kids.

- Okay, would you like five Yum-Yum Dino Nuggets

with your lunch, or six? - Ooh, so sorry,

I'm taking the last of the pasta salad.

- I'll give you half of my pizza pocket

for half your pasta salad. - Okay, throw in

a fruit roll and a rainbow chip cookie,

you got yourself a deal. (James): Ooh.

(thuds, grunts) (Morris): Whoa.

- I'm okay!

(theme music plays)

(Astrid): Hey, don't forget to hand in your field trip forms

so we can go to the museum together.

- I can't believe we're gonna see real mummies.

- I know. When I was a kid,

my dad took me to see them,

and one of them had their foot unwrapped,

and you could see their actual dead foot.

- Mummies are dead people? - Uh... yeah.

- I'm gonna see a dead body?

- Listen, first dead bodies

are a real milestone in a girl's life.

We're gonna have a great time. (Morris): Yay.

(grunting) (Astrid): Get it, get it, get it.

Go, go, go, go.

(indistinct chatter)

(James): Good morning.

I brought muffins. Enjoy.

- Mmm, I love muffins,

but not blueberry. Those are garbage.

- They're assorted, Marla. - "The Mouse's Crumb."

(both): Ooh! - What's the occasion?

- I finally paid off my student loan.

I am officially an adult!

- Oh, walnut?!

These are the blueberries of the nut world, James.

- You don't have to eat the muffins, Marla.

- Ooh, cranberry. Thank God.

- So, what are you gonna do with the extra cash every month?

- Uh, I was thinking of putting it towards

servicing my other debts.

- Or maybe something for you?

- He's right, James. You deserve it,

and so do I, which is why I got myself

a top-of-the-line standing desk for my home office.

- When are you working from home?

- Evenings and weekends.

- Yeah, I would like a really nice piece of furniture.

Maybe for when I retire, like a, like a well-made chair.

Something to sip whisky in.

Maybe watch all those Transformers movies.

- Van De Üssan. - That's a Transformer?

- It's a chair. - Oh.

- Handcrafted, dignified, handsome.

Perfect for you.

- Okay, well, I'll look it up online.

It's uh, spelled like how it sounds?

(laughs) - James, no.

A chair like this deserves to be seen in person.

And I know just the place.

- And as a gift for paying off your loans,

I permit you to go during work hours.

- Oh. - For one hour. Over lunch.

- There it is.

(soft music)

- I'm here to pick up my police report.

- Certainly. Name? - Astrid Berney.

- Okay.

- I'm here to get a police check

so I can hang out with a bunch of kids.

Sorry, I don't know why

I just said it like that, or did that.

To clarify, my daughter's class is going on a field trip

and I need a clean police check so I can volunteer.

- Okay, looks like that's not happening.

You got a peace bond against you.

- What? Why?

Is that because I kicked that Mountie from the G20 rally?

Because he pushed me first.

- You kicked a Mountie? - No.

What is a peace bond?

- It's a type of restraining order

taken out by Mr. Luke Mittal.

- Mittal? That's my mom's maiden name.

I don't know Luke. Luke Mittal?

But why?

Why would anyone take out a peace bond against me?

I'm lovely.

- This isn't a... thing we solve together.

(curious music plays)

(James): Ooh, it's like an art gallery in here.

- This furniture is art, James.

Art you could put your "derrière" on.

- Oh, well, not sure any of this goes with my "derrière."

(chuckles) - Not even the Van De Üssan?

(♪ Catch a Falling Star ♪ plays)

(gasps)

♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket ♪

♪ Never let it fade away... ♪

(Harper): The Van De Üssan.

You have wonderful taste.

Please, try it. I insist.

♪ ...For love may come and tap you on the shoulder ♪

♪ Some starless night... ♪

- Oh! - Mm-hmm.

(James laughs happily)

- Now, that's a good sitting chair.

- Ah, nice to see you again.

How's the Nella Vetrina bedside table?

- It is the most exquisite place to store my mouthguard.

- Oh, sorry, this is actually a little bit more

than I was expecting to spend.

- Don't decide with your bank account, James.

Decide with your heart.

The student loan chapter of your life has ended.

Who are you in this new chapter?

(dramatic music plays)

- I'm a man who can have one nice thing.

Wow, bang, right there. Okay.

- Oh, hi, Mom. I'm glad you're here.

I have a question.

(Dawn): Hey. - I have two questions.

Since when do you wear outfits

that cost less than a month of groceries?

- Ha, ha.

Wasn't planning this ensemble, Astrid,

but not everything in life is planned.

- Okay. Where's the Dawn

from our universe, intruder?

- Leave your sister alone.

The last few weeks before I had you,

I tried using the TV remote on the microwave.

- Okay. Someone took out a peace bond against me.

- Is this because you punched the police horse?

- Mom, I was aiming for the Mountie, okay?

And no. It's by someone named Luke Mittal.

- Ugh, that's your cousin Amit. I heard he changed his name.

- Vomit Comet Amit? (gurgles)

- He is the worst.

Always tattling on everyone and...

(blowing raspberries) ...throwing up everywhere.

- I heard he lived in Calgary

with my rat bastard brother.

- Well, it looks like he lives in Toronto now

and is a court clerk.

- Well, I don't know why Amit is messing with me,

but I'm telling you this, it ends right now.

- Yeah.

- Or first thing tomorrow.

- Okay.

(rhythmic music)

- So, you're welcome.

- It's done?

- Your peace bond is no more. Poof!

- That's amazing, thank you.

I thought you were just gonna get me legal advice.

- Astrid, I'm a man of action! I get things done.

Now you can feel free to blast your music all night long

and Lucy won't be able to say a thing about it.

- Lucy? Do you mean Luke?

- Did you say Luke? - Luke.

- Huh. Huh.

I may have made the wrong peace bond disappear.

- Who's Lucy? - I don't know,

but she sounds like a real shrew.

- Leonard, can you help me with my actual peace bond?

- Astrid! You want another favour?

I should take out a peace bond on you.

I guess Lucy's gonna be upset when her property taxes go up.

Yeah, I screwed up.

(curious music plays)

- I'm just gonna...

(angelic choir vocalizes)

(sighs heavily) (James stutters)

- My stupid cousin is pranking me.

For no reason. I'm just gonna have a nice, calm,

mature conversation with that puke face little turd,

and then you and Mommy are gonna see that mummy.

- Yes! (James): Oh, wait...

(mumbling)

Hey, I'm just gonna pop in here and grab that guy.

Oh, God!

All right guys, family meeting.

We are here to talk... Felix, headphones.

We are here to talk about the new chair.

- Which is just for Mommy and Daddy.

- Why can't I use it?

- You guys are not careful with furniture.

- Yes, we are.

- You're drawing on the table.

- I don't know what counts as furniture.

- What's so good about this chair? How much was it?

- The Van De Üssan is not about the money,

it's about the principle. - 2,500 bucks?

- What? Lemme see. That's less than what I paid for it.

- Maybe I shouldn't touch the chair.

- We're already not allowed to touch stuff

in your room and the birthday present cupboard.

- And now Morris is allowed to climb all over the chair?

- What? - Hmm? What?

No, no, no. - He was just here.

(Viv): Maybe Morris should live outside.

- There it is. (Morris): I wanna go outside.

- Why is there already a stain on this chair?

- Uh, Viv tried pulling me off the chair

while I was carefully drinking my juice.

- That was before the rules. I won't do that from now on.

(curious music plays)

- Luke, it's wonderful to see you again.

- Hi. - Okay. She's gotta stay

at least 30 feet away from me. It's the law!

(Astrid): So, I guess the first question for me is,

why the peace bond?

What, what did I ever do to you, Amit?

- It's Luke now, actually.

Yeah, I had to change my name

after years of you guys calling me Vom... (gags).

- And you went with Luke?

- You guys ruined my entire childhood

with your bullying. (Astrid): We were all kids!

Where's Dawn's peace bond, huh?

You snotty, little sneak.

You're always running to Mommy.

(mocks): Ew, Mommy!

- Uh, what, what Astrid means

is that we've all grown a lot,

and we're family.

What will it take for you to drop the bond?

- Well, when Mataji died,

she gave Nisha Auntie two golden elephant statues.

I want them.

- But those aren't ours to give.

I mean, what if Mom doesn't wanna part with them?

- No statues,

no revoking the peace bond.

- (bleep) Damn you, Luke!

(bleep) Damn you! Luke, I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna literally kill you, Luke!

d ers a,

but when they spill on linens. Ooof!

Oh, no! Stains everywhere!

Laundry Buddy here to turn that "L" into a dub.

- These captions are not helping me.

- So, let the vinegar chill with the stain,

and then dab with my fabric cleaning mix

and warm water. You got it.

- Maybe Dad can dab the couch after.

- We don't care about the couch. We care about the Van De Üssan.

- And remember, don't do this on a bougie chair,

like a Polk or a Van De Üssan or else you're gonna erode

the stain guard and set the stain permanently.

And you don't want that! (explosion)

- Now he's saying that? - Couch ruined!

- Can we watch another one?

(Laundry Buddy): Smash those likes and subscribe

for some more dope laundry tips. (James grumbles)

(Dawn): Did you bring the statues?

(Nisha): Yes! And that reminds me

of something else you need to see.

This is all the info you'll need when I die,

all in one place. - You can't die, Mom, please.

- No, don't say that. - Grow up.

It's my will and where my money is

and how to get at it.

I keep it in the garage near the broken bird feeder

that impaled the raccoon.

- Um, I see that Astrid is inheriting more money than me?

(gasps) What, is that because she's less well off?

- She has more kids.

Look, any money I leave is to help the kiddos.

- Oh, in your face, Dawn!

Ha, ha. You said having three

would turn my life upside down.

(Dawn): Aw. - Oh, remember these guys?

Hey yo, Dawn! Whatcha slurpin' on over there?

(laughs) - Oh, my God, wait,

what was my voice?

(deep voice): The tea, it's burnin' my trunk.

It burned it.

- Yeah, your elephant was very tragic.

- Mmm.

- My nasty brother got everything

when your Nanima died. Except these.

I left them for you.

(tender music plays)

It's all in the binder.

Harvest my organs, burn my body. All that crap.

- Yikes.

(tapping on door)

(James): I know I said I need a minute,

but I need 10 minutes.

- Hey, it's me, Bo.

The kids called.

They thought you might need my help.

- Well, chair's ruined,

so got all the help I need for today. Thank you.

- James, it's not your fault.

- I know it's not! I told you I wasn't ready

for a chair this impressive, Bo.

- One day, the kids will grow up,

leave for college, and will only return for the holidays.

- Yeah, you're right.

I should be spending my energy on people and not things.

- No. I meant, you should wait to enjoy the Van De Üssan

until after the kids are gone.

Also, I think the store sells specialty cleaning products so.

(Felix): Go, slide it in. (Viv): Okay.

- Well, now, they're being adorable.

Come in.

- We put some money in there. - I see that.

But I don't need your birthday money, okay?

What I do need is an apology.

- Sorry. - I'm sorry about the juice.

Sorry. - Me too. Sorry.

- Part of getting older is taking care of your stuff.

But a bigger part is admitting when you did something wrong.

- I know where you hide chocolate, and sometimes I eat it.

- Oh, well, thank you-- - I cut my hair by accident,

but on purpose, and then I hid the hair.

- When? - Years ago.

- Okay, guys, first thing tomorrow morning,

we're going back to that weirdo furniture shop

and we're gonna see what kinda specialty cleaning products they got.

- What are we gonna do now?

- We are gonna go to the grocery store

and get ourselves some dinner. We got no food!

(all cheering)

(Viv): Pizza! Pizza!

- I might not be here when you get back.

- We should not be here.

- I wanna climb this stuff so bad.

- Yeah, well, don't.

- Can I help you with anything?

- Hi, I was in here the other day.

I bought a Van De Üssan with my brother-in-law, Bo.

- Okay.

- Okay, I was just here

to see if there were any cleaning supplies?

I got a small stain on the seat cushion.

- Yeah, we'll need a lot. Hi, I'm Felix Berney.

- Felix, why don't you go take your siblings

and stand in a corner?

- Okay. Uh, so we don't actually have cleaning products,

but there is a cleaning service

that takes about two to three weeks.

But we can rent you some sit-ware in the meantime.

(machine beeps) - Oh, there it is.

Ah, you know what? I don't need sit-ware.

I would love to know about that cleaning service.

But before I buy something without checking the price, how much is the price?

- Oh, let me get you a quote. - Okay, yeah.

- Look it, Morris.

- Hey! Hey! This is not a toy.

You're gonna get your sticky, greasy fingers all over it.

- My hands are sticky, but not greasy.

- Hey, excuse me. Excuse me, don't talk to my kids like that

over something stupid like a bird that's... $800?

Okay, well her hands are not sticky or greasy.

- But they are sticky.

- Okay, you know what? Let's get outta here.

We don't need this ding-dong store.

Nobody deserves to be talked to that rudely.

- But I need to pee.

- Do you have a washroom we could use?

(Dawn): Thanks for agreeing to be within 30 feet of Astrid.

- Here's your coffee.

And uh, were you serious about the straw?

- Yes.

I'm impressed with your Van De Üssan.

Now this, this is art.

- Luke, we wanted to acknowledge

that we really hurt you all those years ago.

We made you feel bad about your name.

- And other behaviours that were totally normal for...

- A kid.

- Well, I agree, you guys sucked.

But thank you. I really appreciate that.

So, where are those statues?

- Uh... - Mmm, yeah.

Luke, um, we're actually gonna keep those.

- What? What the frig?

You said you'd give those to me!

You know... (chuckles)

This is just like when you said there was a fizz candy

behind the furnace, and then you flipped the lights out.

- I personally think that's different.

- You made fun of my name until I hated it!

- When we were kids! Amit is a fine name.

- Oh, Dawn's about to have a baby.

Maybe she can call them Amit.

- No.

- Yeah, it's not a knock on the name,

we just have some really negative associations with it.

- Oh, but you guys are just perfect?

Turning out all beautiful with your cool careers

and your stable marriages? Huh, Mrs. Van De Üssan?

And Mrs... Perfect Üssan?

With your perfectly symmetrical face

and your life planned out perfectly.

- Are these supposed to be insults?

(sobs) - Excuse me.

- You stay here.

Not on the Van De Üssan, on the couch or the floor.

(blows nose loudly)

Dawn?

- This doesn't smell like beach waves.

- Yeah, that might sting in a second.

- I'm sorry, but my life isn't perfectly planned out.

It's chaos.

- You have a champagne fridge. How is your life chaos?

- I'm having another baby.

- Yeah, Dawn, I know.

- No, I'm having another, another baby.

I'm pregnant.

- How, how do we feel about that?

- I'm happy and surprised.

But two babies? That is not what we planned.

- Yeah, well, you know, maybe this means

that for once in your life you have to rethink the plan.

And that's... that's exciting.

- I haven't told Bo.

I mean, every time I have another baby,

he loses his marbles and runs away.

I haven't told work because it's their policy

to fire women who take extended mat leave.

- Bastards! - I created that policy.

- Dawn, you are not gonna get fired,

and you are not gonna lose Bo.

You held it together when Bo fell apart.

You can do anything.

- Except hold it together in front of our stupid cousin.

- His insults are right. We're adults with adult lives.

He can keep the statues.

We're passing down something so much better

to our kids, kick-ass DNA.

(sniffles) - Oh, you're right.

We will also be passing down a lot of land

in Northern Ontario, and a small fortune.

(curious music plays)

- I got some real insults now, "Ass-turd."

(Dawn scoffs) - Terrible.

Luke, we're giving you the statues.

- We hope they ease your pain.

- Oh, I think they will.

I'm pretty sure these guys are valuable.

- You're gonna sell them? - You make me sick, Puke.

(gags) - Don't...

You can't say "puke." (gags)

- But you just said "puke." (gags)

I'm not supposed to say "puke?" You want me to?

(James): Hey, sorry we're late. Got hung up at the park.

(Felix): Hi, Mom. (Dawn): Hi.

- Is this your family? (Astrid): Yeah, my family.

- I'm 100 percent ready for the museum.

I'm not scared of mummies anymore.

- What changed your mind? - I found a mummy squirrel.

- Oh, my God! It's a dead squirrel! Viv!

- Was it in there the whole time?

- It's an exhibit, see? (Luke vomits)

- No, not the Van De Üssan! (Morris): Yucky!

(James grunts)

- Please don't tell my father I threw up in your home.

- On our stupid expensive chair.

- Yes, I'll pay for it to be cleaned.

I just don't have the money right now.

- Really? You said those statues were valuable.

(Astrid sucks air)

- Hey, yeah, this feels right.

(Dawn, deep): Wherever I go, I feel isolation and despair.

(laughs)

- Hey, Twinkle Toes, what about that peace bond?

- Consider it withdrawn.

(calm music plays)

Can I get some more water and a clean straw?

And one ice.

(Astrid): Adulthood was supposed to come with nicer clothes,

nicer furniture, nicer food.

(James): But then you had kids, and uh, no.

Maybe one day you'll have a home full of stuff you like.

(groaning) - Oh, that's better.

(Astrid): But for now, it's full of people you love,

so enjoy the messy life you share with your kids while you can.

(Morris): Yay.

(kids laughing)

- Oh, they hope you return to buy something else.

(Bo and Harper laugh)

- Ha.

- I would like to interest you though,

in a monthly ottoman subscription?

(gasps)

Where we deliver an ottoman to your house every month.

- It feels like I'm just gonna end up

with a house full of ottomans.

- It's gonna be an Ottoman Empire.

(laughing) - So fast.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. (sighing)

- So, can I get that ready for you?

- No, I'm not interested in that actually at all.

(theme music)

Subtitling: difuze