Original subtitles

(Dynamic music)

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(Text on screen)

(James): Was I breathing too hard out of my mouth again last night?

- Oh, my God, it was like Darth Vader

and a dragon had a baby.

- Mmm, I love that for them.

- You know what I realized? - Ooh, that the kids are asleep

and it gives us some time for some quality time?

- I was gonna say that I married a huge nerd,

but yes, that's a great idea.

- Mmm. It's been forever since we've done this.

- Can't have been that long, can it?

(Astrid): Parenting is all about managing wants and needs.

(James): Like, who needs what, when, why,

and how are we outta milk already? I just went shopping.

(Astrid): Parents' needs usually take a back seat to the kids' needs.

(James): But if you deny your own needs for too long...

(Astrid): They become very needy

and it's hard to focus on anything else.

- Oh my gosh, it has been a while.

- It hasn't been a while, it's been a whi-le.

- Ee.

How did we let this happen?

- I can't find my flamingo stuffy.

Felix spilled eggs, and I think Morris wet the bed.

- Oh, right. - Yeah.

- That. - Mm-hmm.

- Pillow wall? Don't mind if I do.

- Yeah, just come,

just make yourself right, right, right at home.

(Viv sighs)

(rhythmic music)

- You trying to get me fired? - No.

- Well, what are you doing down here?

- I'm on a break. - This is a place of business.

- So? - You are bad.

- You're bad. - Excuse me?

- You're bad. - You're down here.

- So?

(phone chimes)

Well, looks like I'm back on the surrogate clock,

which means I have to pick up Bo's dry cleaning.

Hi, James.

- Hi, Zinnia.

Hello.

- I'm worried, James. - Oh.

What? What about? - Zinnia.

I don't pretend to listen to her.

I actually have interest in the words she says.

Last week, out of nowhere, I texted her, "Hi."

Just one word, "Hi." - Maybe, hear me out,

maybe things are getting serious between you two.

- No, we're keeping it casual. - Oh, okay.

- It's just that I could maybe see keeping it casual with her

exclusively for the rest of my life.

(gasps) And the physical stuff.

- Yeah, 'cause she's pregnant. - What? No! Gross, no.

It's because of Dawn. - What? No! Gross!

- Not like that.

Dawn is very controlling of Zinnia's movements,

what she eats, where she goes, what she watches on TV.

- Yeah, why would a pregnant woman need freedom?

- So, we need to be spontaneous.

Find secret places to sneak off to.

Our current favorite is a parking lot

outside of this abandoned library. Always empty.

It's haunting, but that's part of the heat.

- Yeah, I miss the days when I didn't have to schedule sex.

(Marla): Same! - Gah! What in the... God!

How long have you been there?

- How long is a piece of string?

- Wh-why do you have to schedule sex, Marla?

- Why would you ask that? - Because I am a busy woman

whose li-hubba-hubba-bido stops for no one.

- You see? - Big mistake.

- You know what else stops for no one?

(all): Capitalism.

- That's the one. Our fickle mistress.

Ooh, why don't we surprise her with some sultry productivity.

- Do I call HR for that or do you?

- James, do you have Claire's birthday party in your calendar?

- Yes, I do. It was last month. - We missed it?

- That's okay, she's not really my friend

anymore for some reason.

- Did that "some reason" happen about a month ago?

- Maybe. (Morris): Viv.

(Astrid): We are so over-scheduled. - I know, that's why

I got your mom to take care of the kids tonight

so we could have the whole evening

to come up with a better system.

- I was hoping we'd just have sex.

- Me too. Oh, I didn't wanna say

'cause it would make me sound desperate,

but I am super desperate. - Oh, you? We're using my mother

to get laid and I'm not even mad about it.

- Yeah, makes two of us. - Gross.

- Well, Felix, you're not gonna have to see us kiss all night

because you're having a sleepover at Nanima's house.

- Yes! - I don't wanna go.

- What? - It's boring at Nanima's house.

I just wanna stay here.

- Felix, this is not a democracy.

We say you're going, you're going.

- This sucks. - Hey, cups stay downstairs.

What is happening? - I don't know, but if Felix

doesn't get on board, our night's over.

(Morris): Look at my picture.

(Astrid): Nanima just really, really wants to have a sleepover.

- Don't you always tell me I shouldn't feel forced

to do something I don't wanna do?

- Yes, we do, but th-this is different.

- Why? - Because uh...

This time, we're gonna give you 10 bucks.

- What is that?

- I lost my wallet so I got one of these sleek guys.

Hold on, I just, I can see the money. I...

- Why can't she just babysit us here?

- Ahem, because uh, your mom has a gala for work.

- Right! - Yes.

- The gala. Yeah.

And we don't want Nanima waiting up for us all night

because as you know, as we all know, galas take just forever.

(Felix): What's this gala for?

- Your mom's winning an award!

- I sure am. (Felix): Congrats.

- Thank you. - What's the award for?

- I, I don't wanna brag, so.

- Oh, you should, you should. It's your time to shine.

- So, James? - Okay.

Uh, your mom's winning an award

for most improved of all time.

(Felix): Fine, I'll go.

But I'm not building any stupid pillow forts.

- Okay, great. Thank you, Felix. - You do you.

- I just have to say though,

it's not an award for improvement, per se,

because you know, I've always been great at my job.

(James): Yeah, Astrid. - No, you're right.

No, it's just, it's truly an honour just to be recognized in some way.

- Okay, we're good.

- You have a great time at Nanima's.

- There it is. Let's go.

(Morris): Dad.

- I brought Slinky's!

- Nanima! - Hey!

I was at the drug store buying burn ointment

for Todd Russell's mother.

Grease fire. And I got these calendars for the kids.

- Thanks, Nanima!

- Yeah, thanks, Nanima.

(James): Hey, thanks for stepping in last minute, Nisha.

- Well, I haven't had a triple sleepover in too long.

And my speed dating event

was cancelled because the venue was under a meth lab.

- That's a whole different kind of speed dating.

- Yee, ay-oh. - Ay.

- So, what kind of fun are you two up to tonight?

- Mommy's getting an award.

- What? What, that's wonderful, honey.

Why didn't you tell me? - Well, I don't like to brag.

- Huh, yes, you do. What's the award?

- It's an award from

the work that she works at. - Yep.

- It's about how good her work... She's a rising star.

- Boop. (chuckles)

- How very Dawn of you. (both): Okay.

- Kids, go upstairs. Get your backpacks.

All right, let's go. Chop, chop. Let's go, Felix.

(Astrid): Okay, come on, Morris. Go upstairs.

(Viv): Come on, Morris, let's go pack.

- What's really going on here? - Oh.

- I have never seen a boy

turn up his nose at a sports car calendar.

Does Felix not wanna hang out with me anymore?

- No, no, no. - That's not... Crazy talk.

- What? He is upset that he can't come to the gala.

- Hmm. Why would you... (Astrid): Yeah, poor guy.

There's a chocolate fountain there.

- Ooh, a chocolate fountain? - Yeah, a fountain.

- Astrid, this sounds like a big deal.

- Oh, it is. - I bet I could whip up

a chocolate fountain for Felix. - Great! Amazing!

- Yeah. - Not too much chocolate before bed.

- Oh, don't be so woke, James.

- All right, kids, come on! Time to go! Now!

(Astrid): We did it. - Oh, yes we did.

- Now we're gonna do it. - Yes, we are.

- What, what are you doing with your hands here?

- Oh yeah, just that my hands are a bit cold,

I know you hate that so I'm warming them up.

- Aw. Okay.

Ooh.

How long is that gonna take? - Ooh, just a few minutes

if I squeeze real tight. - Okay.

Why we rushing? - Huh.

- We got the whole night, baby.

We got the whole house all to ourselves. Boop.

- Yes, my sweet, we can have sex in any room we want.

(gasps) Obviously not the kids' rooms.

- Bathroom's filthy. - Kitchen's weird.

- Probably just here then? - Oh.

- Ex-squeeze us. - Oh, the boudoir.

- But you know what? I've had a day at work.

I would love to have a shower. - Sure! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Should I... join you for said shower?

- I have to shave my legs. - Okay. Should I shave?

- No. - Hmm.

- Haircut wouldn't hurt, though. - What, like right now?

- No. But soon.

Starting to look like Scott Bakula again.

All right, I'm gonna go freshen up.

- Okie doke. - And then, we will sex.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, were you, sorry.

- I was going to come in, but no.

- Sorry. One, two, three.

(soft music)

Yoo-hoo.

- And how was her shower? - Rejuvenating.

- Oh. - How are your hands?

- Unseasonably warm.

- Okay, let's do this. - Mm-hmm.

(doorbell chimes)

- Ignore it? - Yeah.

(doorbell chimes)

It's a bit distracting, though.

(chiming intensifies)

Ooh, maybe someone found my wallet.

(phone buzzes)

- It's Dawn. (gasps)

- Congratulations, rising star! Mom called.

I'm so happy for you. You never win awards!

- Dawn, I gotta stop you. The truth is...

- It's very prestigious. (Dawn gasps)

- Oh. So, who are you wearing?

- Well, hopefully this guy. (trilling)

Just kidding.

Probably something that's not stained.

- That's what I thought. You deserve better

than wearing the clothes you own,

which is why I brought this.

It's a designer dress.

Now, it'll probably be very tight on you, Astrid,

so please, wear the control top panties. There's Spanx in there.

- Thank you so much, Dawn. - I also have a girdle in my car.

- Careful. Okay. (Dawn): I even have a corset.

It's silk, so it won't stretch. It won't give!

- Who wants champagne? - I'll get some glasses.

(mugs clink)

Should we have gotten champagne flutes?

- Uh-uh. This is fine. - Okay.

- Probably should've chilled the champagne, though.

- Hmm. Why did you keep that lie going with Dawn?

- Are you kidding? Did you see how jealous she was?

I couldn't help but rub it in her face.

- Wait, but I thought she was happy for you?

- Did you, James? Oh, sweet, sweet James.

No, no, she didn't blink once. She was dying that I won.

It's a massive compliment from her.

More compliment than I ever see from the likes of you.

- Uh, well, that is because, my sweet,

you didn't actually win any awards, unless of course,

you consider a night alone with me.

- We're home!

- Why?! - Mom!

- Oh, sorry! The chocolate fountain was a bust.

Or more like a burst.

There's chocolate everywhere, including their pj's.

So we just came in to get some clean one...

Why aren't you dressed yet?

(Morris): And my toy.

- Lots of reasons. - Well, go get gussied up!

I wanna see my daughter ready for her big night.

- Me too. Me too! Me too! Me too!

They're expecting to see us all dressed up.

- It's gonna be fine. By the time we get dressed up,

they're gonna be ready to go.

It's gonna all work out. You'll see, you'll see.

- Ugh!

(James): Raising kids means doing a lot of pretending.

(Astrid): You pretend to be sad that loud toy is missing.

You pretend the floor is lava, or that you're a dragon.

(James): Or you pretend the planet

is not descending into an age of calamity and chaos.

(Astrid): Anyway, sometimes you pretend yourself into a corner,

and the only way out is more pretending.

- Okay.

- Whatcha got there, James? - Huh?

- Whatcha got there? - For the thing.

To show your mom so she can leave.

- Okay, can you maybe put on something a bit nicer

and a lot less the pants that I hate?

It's my work gala, James. I'm getting an award.

- No, you're not!

- Well, seems like my sister's

not the only one jealous of my achievements.

- Okay, let's just quickly have a reminder

about what this is actually for.

- Right, yes, the sex. - Yes.

- We need to have the sex. - Yes, we're gonna get changed,

then we're gonna go downstairs, and we're gonna say goodbye

to your mother and our kids.

- The champagne might be cold by then.

- We're gonna have to have a couple sips of champagne.

Then say goodbye to everyone. Then come up here

and get this thing done. - Oh, don't say it like that.

- Okay, yep, we're gonna go downstairs,

we're gonna have a couple sips of champagne,

then say goodbye to everybody,

and then do, make the marital consummation time.

- Stop, James. You're ruining it.

You're ruining it now. - Blissful and erotic.

- I think you ruined it. - Hmm, yeah.

(Morris): Mom. (gasps)

(Nisha): Oh, wow.

- You look like a princess, Mommy!

- Thanks, babe.

- And Daddy looks like the boss at a factory.

(chuckling) - Honestly, James,

your pants are all wrinkled! - Pre-wrinkled.

Gonna get wrinkled in the car anyway.

So, I thought, might as well cut out the middle man. Very smart.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

Take your pants off so I can iron them.

- Mom, it's fine. We're not going to the Oscars.

- Yes, but who knows when or if you'll ever win another award.

Get your pants off, James. - I don't like hearing this.

- Yeah, but look, what, did you sleep in these?

They're all smooshed.

(James): It's what the kids do nowadays.

(Nisha): You're not a kid. It doesn't work.

- Mom, what is going on?

It doesn't look like you guys are leaving.

- Well, my place is covered in chocolate.

You guys have all the streamers. And Felix went upstairs.

He really wants to paint his models.

Maybe that's why he was acting off.

- Yep, that's, you nailed it. That's totally it.

- Yeah. Man loves his models. - Oh. Okay, I thought so.

- Well, I guess there's, there's nothing left

for us to do.

But leave. - Mm-hmm.

- Well, have a great time. - Uh...

- And look, I have more than enough caffeine pills

to drive home when you're back,

so don't rush home on my account.

- Oh... we won't! (laughs)

- Ha.

Okay. - Here we go.

- Well, we got four hours to kill.

Wanna see a movie?

(gasps)

- Or we could get a hotel room. - Yeah?

- This could be the greatest thing that's ever happened

to us tonight, James.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh! When you're right, you're right!

- Woo!

- You know, it's an impulsive buy,

but we're worth it. Let's do it.

- $600? - For a hotel?

- No, that's how much the champagne Dawn bought us cost.

- Wow, she really was jealous of you.

- That rat! - How much for a hotel room?

- Oh yes, okay. Hotel room is $500.

- What? Why is it so expensive to get a hotel on a weekend?

We're in Toronto, not...

I have no frame of reference. We really need to travel more.

- Is this really where we're at, James?

We have to schedule sex, weeks, months in advance?

Our sex life is like going to the dentist.

Can't we just do something spontaneous anymore?

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

We have a van.

- Ew!

I'm listening. - I know a place

where we can go where we can have a little privacy.

- How do you know about this place?

- Ennis. - Oh, my God!

This keeps getting grosser. That's disgusting, James.

I'm still listening. Where is the place?

- It's in a parking lot of an abandoned library.

- This is like a plot of a B-level horror movie

where teenagers get murdered by a ghost librarian.

- Yep. But what were the teenagers doing

before they were murdered?

- Buckle up.

(mysterious music)

Oh! Well, I may never wanna have sex again.

- Well, that's a bit much. - Is it?

Our kids did this, James. How did we get kids?

Sex. Sex did this.

Now what do we do?

(sultry music)

(vacuum whirring)

(laughs)

- Oh, hey! Look, my wallet.

Oh man, I can't believe I had to cancel all these cards.

You know what? Look at this and look at this.

Totally worth it. This is like a backpack compared to this.

It's so much better. - Yeah. Hey!

My burrito punch card.

I only need one more burrito to get a free burrito.

- This is a great day. - Yeah, and it just got

even better because I think I can tolerate doing it

in this level of filth.

- Oh.

(romantic music)

(James): What?

(Astrid): Seriously?

Why would someone park next to the only other...

- Hey, bang buddies. - No.

- Absolutely not. - Yeah.

Hey, we should sync up a playlist.

Do you guys like Keith Sweat?

(James): Ennis, we can't both

be here at the same time.

- Yeah, and we were here first, Ennis!

- Hey, you wouldn't even know about this place

if it wasn't for me. - Oh yeah?

Well, if James hadn't married me,

you would have never met Zinnia. - Okay, that's fair but--

- James would be miserable. Probably divorced,

working two jobs to pay alimony and child support,

even though the kids are with him like 90 percent of the time

and there's absolutely no reason he should be paying as much as he does.

- I'd probably still be pregnant though

'cause occupational hazard.

- Ennis, please let us get it on in this empty parking lot!

- Okay, fine.

But I'm not telling you any more special, secret spots.

- What about that pho place on Ossington?

- Zinnia, geez!

- You okay?

- No, I'm still sad for non-Astrid James.

- Yeah, you should be. He gets an earring.

- How? - Stop worrying about him.

This is about this.

(car approaches) Wait.

What? What is that? What is Ennis doing?

- Okay, he, he's checking his phone.

He's putting an address in there.

(seat drones)

- Oh!

I give up. - Same.

- Well, fun night.

- Yeah. Yeah. Fun night.

We got all dressed up

so we could wash our car and eat one free burrito.

- Ahem, maybe not fun but spontaneous.

That's gotta count for something.

- Yeah. I just wish we had one thing

that didn't have to be scheduled, and I really,

really wish that something was sex.

- So we have to schedule sex.

At least we still wanna have it. With each other.

- We sure do. Desperately. - Yeah.

- We should go soon before my mom has to...

(upbeat music)

James, pack up.

- Hmm? I got a burrito, though. - Now. Now, James.

- But, what's the rush?

- James, I know a place we can have sex.

- Why didn't you just say that? Wait.

Your phone, your phone, your phone.

(Astrid): While you're making sure the kids' needs are met,

you can easily ignore your own.

(James): So, one of the big challenges of parenting

is finding the time. (Astrid): To do it.

(James): Oh, oh, I, I was gonna say take care of yourself

and connect with your partner.

(Astrid): Well, what's a great way

to connect with your partner, James?

(James): Doin' it. (Astrid): Heck yeah.

- Oh, he fell asleep on your lap?

- After Viv and Morris went down,

he insisted he was ready on watching a scary movie,

but that didn't last long.

And here, I was worried

he was getting too big to spend time with me.

- Yeah, us too.

- So, how was your big night?

- Uh, it was really great.

- Yeah. It um, it was a perfect night

with a very, very happy ending.

Ta-da! - Isn't that nice?

Kinda looks like one of Dawn's old debate awards.

- What? Mom, are you okay?

You must be exhausted. - No, no, I, I coulda sworn

it looks exactly-- - Hey, don't worry.

I'll come by tomorrow. I'll help you clean

the chocolate off your fridge. It's literally everywhere.

- How do you know it was on the fridge?

- James. - Everywhere.

You said the chocolate went everywhere.

And when I think... I think fridge.

- Yeah. - That's part of everywhere.

- I guess I must be more tired than I thought.

Good thing I had those caffeine pills.

(Astrid): Text when you're home.

James, you have chocolate on your butt.

(sultry music)

(laughs)

my children, and my mother. Thank you so much to--

- Other people. - Um, okay.

Well, my sister, Dawn, for lending me this beautiful dress.

And uh, my brother-in-law Bo,

who's always been so, so supportive of me.

- Forgetting someone. - Corey, of course, their kid.

Um, also one very special man. - Ah.

- That I could not say another word without thanking.

- Feel like I'm being set up. - Leonard Flynn.

- There it is. And, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, I know I'm forgetting people. I have a whole,

I should have written something down.

Thank you so much for this honour, yes.

- This way, it's this way. - Oh, oh okay. Yeah, thank you.

(sighing)

(theme music)

Subtitling: difuze