Original subtitles

JESS: Good news. Flo was going on a date.

Bad news. She wouldn't stop going on about soppy love stuff...

..and Jordan kept encouraging her.

Nothing beats your first love.

It may not last but you never forget it.

But how do you know when it's love? You can't ignore the signs.

Heartbeat pounding in your ears,

sweaty palms.

You get tongue-tied and can hardly get a word out.

That's supposed to be a good thing?

CHUCKLING: Oh, yes.

You'll find out one day.

JESS: I had more important things to think about

like helping the Prices with their favourite horse.

It's OK. She won't hurt you.

I know that. It's just...I've never seen one in real life before.

Really?

Do you remember any horses on the Duke Estate?

I've got her. See?

Tyrone, this is Dolly.

Don't go around the back. She might kick.

That's it. It's all right. See?

Got her. Not so bad, is it?

Yeah, that's her favourite spot right there.

HEARTBEAT POUNDING

Heartbeat sounding in your ears,

sweaty palms,

tongue-tied...

..no.

SCREAMING: NO!

This can't be happening.

I can't have a crush on Mosey.

I must be imagining it cos of what Flo said.

How many more are you going to try on?

There was nothing wrong with the last one.

This is my first date for a while.

What I wear needs to make me feel like a...a million dollars.

OK. How did you meet this Rodney guy?

We matched on a dating app.

So, you're going on a date with someone you've never met?

How do you know you can trust him?

LAUGHING: I can take of myself, thank you.

I've dated three Rolling Stones and a Beatle.

Right. Are you ready?

OK!

Yeah. Um, I thought you said you were going to the beach?

We are...but who knows where we'll end up!

You have to be ready for every eventuality.

And what about you?

What about me?

Is there a special someone you've had your eye on?

It's OK if you haven't.

It'll sneak up on you when you least expect it.

RUMBLING UPSTAIRS

What is Flo doing up there?

She's going to bring the whole place down.

Oh, Flo! You look absolutely stunning.

FLO: Oh, this.

It's just the first thing I threw on.

Well, see you both later.

TRACY: Have fun!

No, wait.

OK. Where are you going?

When will you be back? Do you need me to come with you?

Stop your buzzing, girl. We're meeting in a public place.

Now, don't worry yourself. Hm?

Don't you think it's weird that Flo's going on a date

with someone she's only spoken to online?

Don't worry. Flo can handle herself.

You know what?

I'm...

..going...out.

Yeah, but...

Out.

No, it's fine. I didn't want any help around here anyway.

Oh, sorry.

Silly me, getting in your way.

Nice...

..wheel.

Got something in your hair there. What?!

Here. Don't move. You'll tangle it.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Here. Bit of treasure for you.

You all right?

Ye...yeah. Yeah, I...I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Why wouldn't I be?

The back of that stable's rotten right through.

We'll have to replace the whole lot with fresh timber.

Oh, well, not much else we can do about that now.

So...can we do something else?

Hey, Paysh.

Do you want to go down to the woods?

We could all build a den.

Yeah.

Actually, uh, my dad's redoing Jordan's floor

so he's got some spare planks.

I'm sure he'd be happy to help.

Well, that's great! All right, then.

Everyone in the motor. I've got the front!

HORN BEEPS

Want to race? Come on!

Oh, you!

Oi!

SHOUTING: Oi! Get off! Get off!

Ow. What are you doing?

Oh, look. You brought your boyfriends to help me.

Dad! I'm joking. It's a... I'm joking!

You should enter the Kooky Kooksea Open Stage.

Bring the house down with that.

Look, Dad. Can you help us out?

I came in to get some wood for Mosey. Oh, for Mosey.

No, no, for Mosey's dad.

Uh, they need some wood for their stables.

You've got loads of spare planks.

Yes, it's for Jordan's room, though, isn't it, Jess?

Please, Dad. I promised.

Yes, of course, if it means that much to you.

Uh, it...it doesn't. It doesn't.

Is everything all right there?

It's fine. Uh, yeah. Dad was just showing me where the wood is...

..and we found them. They're here for you. Take what you need.

That's great. Cheers. Yeah. Good. All good.

Right, come on, yous lot.

Here you are, Si. - Thank you very much.

TRACY: What's all this? SI: They are taking some spare planks.

In fact, actually, can you, uh, make yourself useful and

just give them a little hand?

We've got a very important job to do inside. We have to go.

Sorry, we've got a very important job to do...

No more talking!

OK. What's going on?

Why are you so desperate to impress the Prices?

Well, one of the Prices.

I...I was just being nice.

That, well, that doesn't mean

I have a crush on him.

I didn't say you had a crush.

Good, cos, cos I didn't.

I...I...and I don't. No.

I don't! I don't have a crush!

OK, fine. I mean, you realise you just...

You literally stopped in the middle of a sentence.

What was happening?

I didn't feel like myself.

My heart was pounding.

I couldn't even talk properly.

Argh, just like Flo said.

Don't think about Mosey.

To him, you're just a little kid.

Phew! A smelly little kid.

Oh, Jess. You all right?

You OK? Are you OK?

Oh, OK. OK.

Smells...smells lovely.

Uh, listen. I was just thinking I might offer up some sort of

fatherly wisdom if you...if you want it.

Uh, I've always thought that the best way to someone's heart

is through their laugh, you know.

I told you I'm not interested in any of that stuff.

Um, but if I was, which...which I'm...I'm not. Of course not. No.

Um, but if I...if I was, what would I say?

Ah. That's a good question.

I...well, I'd go with these.

Uh, these are, sort of, some of my go-to jokes.

You know, just the classics.

They...they worked for me and Priya so I thought...

..I'll just...I'll just leave them there in case you need them.

Just, you know, just in...just in case.

I didn't need a list of dumb jokes.

I was beginning to realise that I didn't understand love at all...

..and Dad had got Mum and Priya to go out with him

so, maybe...

Hi! What?

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

Waved.

W...w...waved.

And what, what did, um, sorry.

What did one wall say to the other wall?

Um... What?

It said, um...

I'm going to go help my dad. OK.

What are you looking for?

Uh...

That is nothing.

A list of terrible jokes. Why?

Oh, I, um, well, it's just material, really.

You're going to do stand-up?

I'm thinking of trying something new.

As my friend, you should support me. OK.

Fuel for the hard workers?

Come on yous lot - in the motor. Let's go!

Uh, do you need an extra pair of hands?

I'm pretty nifty with a hammer.

Um... There's no space. Oh.

All right. Well, bye!

Bye, Mum.

HE SNIFFS

What's that smell? Smells all...flowery or something.

Uh, I don't know. Ah, it's probably, um, Ray's air freshener. It's there.

It's very...floral,

flowery.

PRIYA: Careful. I've spent all morning building Ajay Land.

Oh, look at this! It looks amazing!

Well, turns out we have both been doing some top parenting work today.

Oh, really? Yeah! What did you do?

Uh, I have been advising Jess on her love life.

Love life? Jess?

Yeah. Nothing major, just, uh, she's, um, she's got a little crush.

So, I just, I, you know... What did you say, Simon?

Well, I told her, you know, uh, make him laugh,

best way to the heart is through the funny bone.

Oh, you really don't have a clue about girls, do you?

What are you talking about? My comedy worked on you, didn't it?

You loved it.

It's so lovely that you think that.

OK.

I love you. Well, I love you, too.

Jess!

You'll have pancakes for feet if you ain't careful.

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Pancakes! For your feet!

Why was that?

Oh, it's probably, um, Ray's air freshener...

What is it? What's going on?

Um, I...I don't really know how to ask you this.

So, I'm just going to say it.

Do you like Mosey?

Oh, my days. You do?

No, no, no, no. I...I...I don't. I...I don't.

You must do. That's why you've been acting so weirdly.

I...I...I...I'm not. I...I don't.

I don't. You don't understand.

It...it's...it's, um, it's not me who has a crush.

What do you mean?

It's, um, it's...it's Paysh.

Paysh? What? On...on who?

Uh, on...

..on you. On me?

Just promise not to say anything or anything cos, um,

cos she'll kill me if she finds out I told you and...

Everything all right?

Uh, yeah. Ty was just asking me about a... ..a football thing.

Well, come out front cos there's still a lot to do.

OK.

Oh, where's a fruit's favourite place to go on holiday?

"Pear"is! Oh, no. Come on! No, no.

Oh! Quickly, on a serious note. Um, does anybody need an ark?

I "Noah" guy.

This is awful, Si. This is truly terrible.

Has he asked you why you never see elephants hiding in trees yet?

Cos they're very good at it. That is a good one. Right.

I left my phone upstairs. I'll be back in a tick.

Honestly, I don't know where he gets them from.

Has Jess shown you the list? The list?

Oh, yeah, that list.

Honestly, I think Si thinks he's helping but it's the last thing

you need when you're dealing with your first crush.

Jess' first crush?

Oh, I haven't spoken out of turn, have I?

Oh, no. You know me and Jess. We talk about everything.

Right.

OFF-SCREEN: Oi. Shall we go build the den when you're done?

No. All right. You were the one going on about it.

Can you give me a hand over there?

I'm busy. I mean, I can't cos...

..Jess needs help.

Ty, it's fine! I was just going round the back.

Hi!

Oh, look at that face!

Why so glum?

Jess has got a crush...

And that's bad because...

..cos she didn't tell me.

Tracy, maybe she's embarrassed.

She told her dad and Priya.

Maybe they just guessed.

Then why didn't I guess?

She's your little girl, Tracy.

It's bound to be strange watching her grow up but remember,

you had all those years with her.

Si and Priya will never have that.

That's...that's actually true.

You're really good at this. Feeling better?

I am, actually.

I've got a few things to do this afternoon but, uh, when I'm done

why don't I come back and, uh, we can go metal-detecting or something?

Sure. It's a date.

Cheers...Florence.

It's a lovely view over there.

Thief! I saw you!

Jordan! What are you doing here?

I saw him take your phone out of your bag! What?! No, I didn't.

Yes, you did! Liar! Look!

Jordan!

That is Rodney's phone.

What?! I was charging it for him in my bag.

Look at the screen saver!

My back's killing me. Why don't I have a go? Then you can have a rest.

PAYSH: Or I can do it and you and Tyrone can load the scrap.

I mean, you've never mucked out before.

Mosey can teach me and you and Ty can load the van.

No, no. I want to do it.

Why do you all want to shovel poo?

I know what I'm doing!

Just let me have a go! I love horses now.

I offered first. Can you just let go? Let go?!

SHOUTING: Let go!

Come here.

Oh! Not exactly what I had in mind by getting Mosey to notice me.

I am so sorry, Rodney. I don't know what Jordan was thinking.

It was an honest misunderstanding.

Her heart's in the right place.

Will you at least stay and let

Jordan make you a cup of tea to apologise?

I'd be delighted.

Go on, then. Go and make yourself comfortable.

What are you doing? You can't just

go around taking things out of people's pockets.

Someone might have thought you were robbing him!

Yeah, but I was just looking after Flo.

You never know with people like that.

Trust me, they act all nice, say they like you but

they're just using you.

Look, I know you've been through a lot

and it's difficult for you to trust new people.

You don't know anything about Rodney.

Well, then, let's get to know him.

Then, if he's not up to scratch, we'll kick him to the kerb, OK?

Now, go put the kettle on.

You all right?

Ew! That's proper sickening! I'm sorry. I...

Can you just chill out and stop being so jumpy with me?

I know what's going on. You do?

It's OK. You don't have to be embarrassed about it.

That's honestly such a relief.

I'm... The thing is, I don't want to be mean.

It's just...I'm not ready for a relationship.

I know. It's so sweet when friends get together.

I'm just going through some stuff. It doesn't feel like the right time.

Look. I think you're amazing.

Hang on.

Do you fancy my sister?

You've got no chance, mate. Good luck!

I don't like her. She's the one with a crush on me. What?!

You fancy him?

No. Don't be a dinlo, why would I fancy him? No offence, Tyrone.

Some taken. Why would you think I fancied you?

Jess said. Jess said?

I spent 15 years touring all over the States

playing the tenor sax.

So, you were a saxophone player?

Honey, I AM a sax player.

Maybe you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

OK.

Bom, pa-pom, bom, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-bom...

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pom...

DOOR CHIMES

..pa-pom, pa-pom, pa-pom...

Pa-pa-pom! Pa-pa-pa-pom... Yeah!

THEY ALL LAUGH

Looks like I'm missing a party.

Hey, come join in. Show us your best sax.

I don't know about sax but I do a mean flute.

FLUTE-LIKE WHISTLING

That's quite enough of that.

Are you ready to go?

Oh, the party's just getting started.

Can we do it another day?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.

No problem.

I'm going to go. Are you sure?

Yeah, it's fine.

Uh, see you later.

Suit yourself.

Right, go on, then. Play another one.

This is even better.

SAXOPHONE IMITATIONS

Why would you say I fancied him?

I don't know. For a laugh.

It ain't funny. If my family found out, they'd go divvy.

Stop us hanging about together before I got a bad name.

No, I...I wasn't trying to hurt you.

So, it was me.

You wanted ME to embarrass myself?

No, um, it was, um, it was...

..the...it was, uh...

..material.

Uh, comedy material.

You...you said that before

but do you have a stage? Yeah, yeah.

The one that's on tonight? Yeah.

I was going to do this, um, this bit on, um, love and relationships.

You were going to embarrass us onstage?

No, no, no. I... Good. Well, you'd better not. I...I promise I won't.

In...in fact, I'll drop out of the whole thing.

Don't do that, Beaker.

You know I think you're funny.

Yeah. We'll all be there.

Can't wait to see what you say about us all.

I had a great time.

Go on. Get out of here, you.

Eh!

Watch it. Sorry!

He was so funny and cool

and I can't believe he played on a Bowie album!

Well, you see. If you expect the worst in people,

you don't give them a chance to prove us wrong.

OK. Uh-hm.

So...

..when are we going to see him again?

Never. - What?! Why?

Oh, he's too much of a show-off,

always talking about the famous people he's met.

I prefer some humility in my men.

Right. OK.

Oh, um, sorry. I... I didn't know you were here.

Oh, no, no. That's OK. Uh, huh, pull up a blanket. Ha-ha.

So, what have you been doing?

Um...

..just with some...

..friends.

Oh.

Had a bit of a day?

Anything you want to talk about?

Um...

..right. So, I...

..I have this friend...

..um, and they...they have this crush on someone...

..but they don't want anyone to know and...

..so they start acting really weirdly around them.

You don't need to try and impress them.

They just have to be themselves.

Trust that that's enough.

That's good advice.

Um, so, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just out with my detector...

..and a picnic.

Uh, yeah. Uh, well...well, I tend to get peckish around, uh...

Was Mum supposed to be here?

Yeah, she was. Uh...

When Peter talked about Mum, he got flustered

like he couldn't get his words out!

Oh, my gosh!

I bet he has sweaty palms and his heartbeat sounds in his ears.

Peter likes Mum!

Jess? Come over here. I want to talk to you.

About what? What? Does a mother need a reason to speak to her daughter?

There's just so much going on at your age.

You know, friends, school, boys...

Oh, Mum.

I told Mum everything.

Love was even worse than Flo had said.

It didn't just make me tongue-tied and sweaty,

it made me lie to all my friends

and now I had to do a stand-up show in front of them all!

But that's tonight! I know.

Blimey, Jess. That is a right Beaker mess.

Look, I don't know what to do cos I can't exactly tell Paysh about

Mosey but the idea of getting onstage in front of everyone, um,

it makes me want to be sick.

I'm just going to look so stupid.

Yeah, probably.

Mum!

Well, what do you want me to say?

You've never done stand-up comedy before...

..but you're doing this for your mates.

That's a pretty big way of saying you're sorry.

Wonderful! Wasn't she wonderful?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the comedic stylings of...

..Jess Beaker!

LOUD CHEERING

Um...

..hey, everyone.

Hi.

Um,

I thought all good comedy shows

had a theme.

So,

I chose love.

Original, I know.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

How did the phone propose to its girlfriend?

It gave her a ring.

It's a funny joke. It's a good one.

I wasn't supposed to be here.

I lied to my friends...

..and then I had to make it come true.

Why did I lie, you ask?

Because I didn't want people to laugh at me.

Look! I got my wish!

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about love recently

and through my many, many, many years of experience...

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

..I have realised something.

Love's a nightmare!

We try and impress people,

we act weirdly around people we think like us.

We try and push people together

because that's what we want.

I took my best friends for granted today.

I wasn't thinking and...

..I made them feel stupid

and I really want them to know how sorry I am.

This is for them.

I used to look down on people who had a crush

until it happened to me

and it happens in a rush.

Heartbeat pounding in my ears,

sweaty palms and tongue-tied fears,

telling jokes and acting cool.

But, all the time, I was being a fool.

Standing up on an open stage,

was a drastic answer to the mess I've made.

The only thing I've got left to do

is to say...

..I love all of you.

It's OK to lose yourself.

Just don't lose the people around you

cos crushes can end pretty quickly

but the people you love

will still always be there.

As a wise man told me-

"Trust you're enough."