Original subtitles

Support for

Pawnee Community Radio

comes from the Wendell G.

and Muriel Fathwright

Korbleman Foundation

and Sweetums Cares,

a non-profit group,

that puts umbrella hats

on homeless people

when it rains.

Welcome to Thoughts

for Your Thoughts.

I'm Derry Murbles,

filling in for David Parker,

who took off for eight months

to study

the migration patterns

of our nation's squirrels.

We have not

seen him since.

My guest today is

author Leslie Knope.

The book, Pawnee:

The Greatest Town

in America.

I wrote a book.

The first historical guide

to Pawnee.

I wrote it as

a reference for myself,

but then my

campaign advisors said

we should make it

a big, wide release.

So, we had people contribute

and we added pictures

and we removed

a lot of my poems

and emotional ramblings

and pictures of unicorns.

And here it is.

Leslie, could one say

that a book is nothing more

than a painting of words,

which are the notes

on the tapestry

of the greatest film

ever sculpted?

One could say that.

But should one?

Join us next week

when David Bianculli

will be filling in for

Richard Chang-Jefferson,

who will be

filling in for me.

Leslie, would you

like to take us out?

Okay.

Please enjoy a song

from the lesbian

Afro-Norwegian funk duo,

Nefertiti's Fjord.

Oh, wow.

They are terrible.

Yes, they're quite awful,

but they are lesbians. So...

Usually, I only read

nautical novels and my own

personal manifestos

but I'm proud to

make this exception.

Thank you, Ron.

I expect all of you to

buy additional copies.

But I wanted

the first one

that you owned

to be delivered

and signed by me.

God, this goes on

for, like, seven pages.

I started thinking

about you as a woman

and as a person,

and I got carried away.

Okay, mine just says,

"Get well soon."

Aren't you sick?

No.

Something's off.

Leslie, I loved your book.

I read it cover to cover.

Wow. I just gave it

to you an hour ago.

I'm a speed reader.

I can read over

3,000 words a minute,

with total comprehension.

One time,

I read all of Siddhartha

at a traffic stop.

Pawnee's most

notorious businessman

in the building.

I brought some

Entertainment 720

pillowcases for your pillow.

Never Stop Dreaming.

Tom Haverford.

I never do. Chris Traeger.

Respect.

Game recognize game.

Tom, I have

Pawnee Today

in an hour.

Was my book selected

for Joan's Book Club?

Joan Callamezzo

has a book club?

Joan Callamezzo

started a book club

four years ago.

And now, she is

the literary taste-maker

in the town.

The Time-Traveler's

Optometrist,

by Pawnee's own

Penelope Foster.

A heartwarming story

about a caveman eye doctor

who travels to

present-day Cincinnati

and can see

everything but love.

Unreadable.

Then, Joan slaps

her sticker on it.

Best-seller four

years in a row.

You told me you could

get me that sticker.

Did you get it?

I'm trying, Leslie.

But Joan got

an anonymous tip

that there's

a factual inaccuracy

in your book.

That's impossible.

I checked every detail

with the Historical Society.

Did she say what it was?

She won't tell me.

I think she wants

one of her big

"gotcha" moments.

Well, she's not

going to "getch" me.

I find no inaccuracies.

Joan Callamezzo

claims there is a mistake

in my book,

which there is not,

and so now she's trying

to get me on

a tiny technicality.

So, just in case

there is a mistake,

which there is not,

I need all of you

fact-checking

every single detail.

Jerry, I need you

to hit the road

and re-interview everyone

who lives out of town.

On it, boss.

The rest of you, call me

as soon as you find

the mistake that

does not exist.

Do you think there's

actually a mistake in here?

I doubt it.

If there's one thing

Leslie's not, it's sloppy.

She's also not brief.

This is going

to take forever.

It's just us, I hope.

I wish.

Hey, guys. Ready to do

some fact-checking?

Here we go.

Helping Leslie.

Okey-doke.

Hi. Joan Callamezzo.

Yeah.

Hi, Ben Wyatt.

We've met.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I was on your show.

Nope.

I'm trying

to find the words to

describe this girl

Without being disrespectful

Getting the book

into Joan's Book Club

will really help Leslie.

But it will also

help my company,

Entertainment 720.

At the risk of bragging,

one of the things

I'm best at

is riding coattails.

Behind every

successful man, is me,

smiling and taking

partial credit.

Now, about Leslie's book.

Am I going to be happy?

We'll see, won't we? Hmm?

Wow, you guys are

really cute together.

Ben, I'm cute together

with everybody.

Anyone find any mistakes?

Yeah, actually,

in here it says

that Pawnee is great.

But in reality,

it's terrible.

Let Tom know we

haven't found anything.

Hey, I'm thinking

about getting a new phone.

Do you guys

like your phones?

I've never used

a phone in my life.

What about you, Ron?

Do you like your phone?

Mmm.

Here's my goal.

I'm going to get

these two people

that I've known

for a long time

to talk to me

for five minutes.

Who am I kidding? One minute.

One minute would be amazing.

So, Leslie, you're

a real native of Pawnee,

aren't you?

Yes. I was born

and raised here, Joan.

And I love the town so much,

I literally

wrote the book on it.

I have it right here.

And also,

in this hand right here,

I have a sticker.

Which, when applied,

legally determines

the newest selection

of Joan's Book Club.

Oh... Oh... Whoa!

Where should... Over here?

Back here?

Where is it now?

Come on. Stick it.

Ooh!

Hang on.

Stick the sticker.

No, no, no.

Not so fast.

Put it on.

We received a tip

that you, Leslie

"Born and Raised" Knope,

were not born in Pawnee.

What?

Gotcha!

Because you lied about it,

we cannot make this

a Book Club selection.

I was born in Pawnee.

I'd stake my

reputation on it.

I have to tell you.

This feels like

"Gotcha" journalism.

In what way?

That way.

You put "Gotcha"

on my face.

After the break.

Where was Leslie Knope

actually born?

Pawnee.

We will pull out

the world map

and speculate wildly.

Oh, God.

Not the "Gotcha" dancers.

That was despicable.

I am horrified

at her tactics.

That said, the show

was very lively.

Joan "Gotcha"

Don't it hurt ya

It's pretty catchy.

Okay. Ben, Tom, you stay here.

Stay on Joan.

Get that sticker.

Chris, Andy,

we're going to

stay on schedule

and we're going to do

some damage control.

All right. Everybody, move.

Move, move, move!

This entire event's

under federal jurisdiction.

When Leslie's in trouble,

there's only one

man for the job.

Bert Macklin, FBI.

You thought I was dead?

So did

the President's enemies.

Call if you need us. Okay.

All right, so,

we don't have to

fact check anymore.

But Leslie wants us

to be on "Ready-Alert One"

just in case

something comes up.

Now, I can get

some real work done.

You know, I think

I'm just gonna

hang out here

with you guys,

if that's cool.

It's not.

Great.

I could leave. I could.

But I'm not going to.

I will get my one minute

of small talk, damn it.

And it will be casual

and it will be amicable.

Did Leslie leave?

We wanted her to sign

the "Gotcha" wall.

Joanie, come on now.

What was that?

I thought we were

going to get that sticker.

Sorry, Tom.

I am first and foremost

a journalist.

Let us take you

to lunch. Okay?

We'll talk about the book

and whatever else may come up.

Let me go change

into something more

tantalizing. All right?

So, what, we're

taking her to lunch now?

Ben, Leslie

hired my company

to get her that sticker.

You're the one that told me,

"Businesses need

clients to get money."

I was the first one

to tell you that?

Don't worry.

This is in the bag.

Joan's a married woman.

She wants what she can't have.

It's a game of cat and mouse.

Thank you all for coming.

Our journey begins on

page one, the preface.

Oh, boy. Yes.

I think I speak on

behalf of everyone

in the entire

world when I say,

we need to know the truth

about where you were born.

Okay. Well...

Leslie, let me handle this.

Does it really matter?

I mean, how many of you

were actually born in Pawnee?

Fair enough.

No matter what

you heard, ma'am,

the truth is I was born here.

If you were so born here,

then where's your

birth certificate?

Well, I don't carry

my birth certificate

around with me.

Why? Because you're

hiding something?

You should go back

where you came from.

I am back from

where I came from.

That sentence was confusing!

You might as

well be from China!

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

I'm from here.

This crowd is

getting very hostile,

Ms. Knope,

I'm going to get

you out of here.

Oh, my God.

Back off!

Bye, everybody.

When I was 18,

Val Kilmer saw me at a mall

and told me I should model.

That never happened.

So, Joan, how is

married life

treating you?

Your husband still know

he's the luckiest man

in the world?

Santino and I

are divorcing.

Oh.

It's actually

quite liberating.

I'm a woman with

a strong sexual appetite.

I'm like a caged peacock

yearning for

the wind on her haunches.

That's a powerful metaphor.

Maybe we can get that

book club sticker in order,

and we can work on

unlocking that peacock cage.

Things have changed, Tom.

Don't make any promises

you can't keep.

I'll have another drink,

and so will this adorable

hunk of caramel to my right.

Drink up, Tom.

I'm going to go

powder my nose.

Amongst other things.

If you know what I mean.

Crap.

Is she going to

powder her vagina?

You've got to

help me, man.

Why? Seems to be going

the usual amount of gross.

No, this is way different.

She's not married anymore.

She had, like,

five bottles of alcohol.

She's calling me "caramel."

You've got to

throw some cold water

on the situation.

Start talking

about nerd stuff.

You know, nerd culture

is mainstream now.

So, when you use

the word "nerd"

derogatorily,

it means you're the one

that's out of the Zeitgeist.

Yes, that's perfect.

Just like that.

Be incredibly boring.

Well, I've made

a little progress.

I'm up to

four seconds

with April.

Hey, April.

I was looking to

get some new music.

And I was wondering

if you could

recommend anything.

The Internet.

I really like your haircut.

Where did you get it?

Prison.

How is your sister doing?

She has the shingles.

Who is your

favorite character

on Sex and the City?

ALF.

And nine seconds with Ron.

You're stranded

on a desert island,

what is the one thing

that you bring with you?

Silence.

We did a flash poll.

68% of Pawneeans now believe

you're lying about

where you were born.

Honesty is important

to voters.

13% think I'm crazy-eyed?

What? Why?

Whatever. I can end this now.

Here is my birth certificate.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, this just

says Wamapoke County.

Yeah. That's the county

Pawnee is in.

Well, no.

This won't do it.

See, you staked your

reputation on this.

So, you need to go down

to the county records office

in Eagleton

and get the original,

long-form certificate.

God, don't make me

go to Eagleton.

Eagleton is the land

of rich, snobby jerks.

There's a whole chapter

about it in my book.

I could write

a second book about Eagleton

and how stupid it is.

And I'd call it,

Eagleton: The Land

of Rich, Snobby Jerks.

Hello, and welcome to

the Wamapoke

County Records office

here in beautiful Eagleton.

My name is

Alexis Pratchett.

Take it down a notch, Alexis.

I need a copy of my

birth certificate.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It takes three

to eight weeks

to receive

a birth certificate.

Really?

Hi, I'm Chris.

I was wondering

if you might make

an exception for me.

Oh, I'm sorry. No.

Wow. That usually works.

Oh, God. I hate

this stupid town

with all its stupid,

terrible people.

I need that

birth certificate.

Leslie, wait here.

Bert Macklin

is on the case.

Andy.

No.

Don't worry.

I can do this.

Believe in me.

That's broken.

Hold on. Leslie, real quick.

Spell your last name for me.

Let's hear it for the boys

Wow. That was as

long as it was loud.

Take me home, dumpling.

It's beddy time.

Uh...

Hey, Ben, you like Star Trek.

Talk about that

for a little bit.

They're making a sequel.

I'm assuming

with the same

alternate timeline.

But if J.J. Abrams

and company

expect us to believe

that it's Spock with

the romantic tension

with Uhura and not Kirk,

well, let's just

say the message boards

are going nuts.

I want to take

you both home

and...bend you over

and just...at

the same time.

Whoo!

I'm leaving.

Let's do this.

We've got to get her home.

Tom, I know your

business is failing,

but this just isn't worth it.

It's not about

the business anymore, man.

She's a disaster.

We've got to make sure

she gets home safe.

Whoa!

What the hell? Okay,

let's get her on the bed.

Okay. One...

Oh, my God.

Two...

Three.

Say what you will about Joan,

but she knows how to

decorate a bedroom.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Where the hell am I?

I just want to see how

soft these sheets are.

One second.

Tom. No.

Come on. Let's go.

Joan, we left you

some water and aspirin

by the bed!

Bye!

Got it! Got it!

Nice!

I also got this

dude's briefcase.

It was just laying there.

Kind of a panic move.

I believed in you.

But you should

put that back.

Okay.

Okay, so,

Leslie Barbara Knope.

Born January 18

to Robert and Marlene Knope

in Eagleton, Indiana.

I'm from Eagleton.

Is it true, Mom?

Was I born in Eagleton?

Yes, it's true.

No.

Pawnee Hospital was overrun

with raccoons at the time,

so we had to go to

the next closest hospital.

No.

I'm sorry. Did you

expect me to

give birth to you

in an infested,

disease-filled room?

Mom, why didn't

you tell me?

You try telling

that little girl

she's not from Pawnee.

I certainly couldn't.

So you were technically

born in Eagleton. Who cares?

I care.

The people of Pawnee care.

I wrote on

the cover of my book

that I was born in Pawnee.

I went on Pawnee Today,

and I called Joan a liar.

I'm the liar.

I'm worse than a liar.

I'm an...

Eagletonian.

Good morning.

Is Leslie here?

Oh, man, I am so tired.

I took a half-shift at

the hospital last night.

And I had this

really weird patient.

Weird how?

I probably shouldn't

talk about it.

It's one of the grossest

things I've ever seen.

Talk.

Well, this guy came in.

He got his hand stuck

in a Pringles can,

and he tried to

cut himself out.

Was there a lot of blood?

What kind of blade

did he use?

Three and a half inch.

Serrated.

Buckets of blood.

He passed out over his arm

and slumped onto the floor.

Did the bone show?

Very good question, April.

Answer her.

Yeah. The bone showed.

Everyone in the universe

loves a gross medical story.

Boom! I win!

And so, when I finally

cleaned up the vomit,

I found the toe.

I forgot about the toe.

So did we.

Crazy, right?

That story's awesome.

Indeed. Thank you

for sharing, Jenny.

Ann was getting

a little chummy.

When people get

too chummy with me,

I like to call them

by the wrong name

to let them know

I don't really

care about them.

That's a genius move.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Lester.

Oh, my God.

I wonder who else

was born in Eagleton.

Voldemort, probably.

Bad news, team.

Entertainment 720

was unable to get

the sticker for Leslie's book.

The sticker is

the least of my problems.

If I come clean

about where I'm from,

then my

political career is over.

You don't have to

tell them a damned thing.

The only thing

the voters need to know

about you is your name.

And even that,

I go back and forth on.

I'm sorry,

but I disagree.

Leslie, where you were born

is a piece of trivia.

Where you're from?

That's what makes

you who you are.

And you are from Pawnee.

You're more Pawnee

than anyone I know.

So, I say tell

them the truth,

and trust that they're

going to respect you for it.

Damn it.

He's right. Well said.

Thanks, Ron.

You're welcome, Steve.

Joan.

Thanks so much

for having Leslie

back on the program.

Well, thank you for

getting me home last night.

I wasn't feeling very well.

Because of some

bad seafood that I ate.

Yes. That's probably

what it was.

I'd like to apologize to

those that I've misled.

I thought I was

telling the truth.

But sadly,

I was born in Eagleton.

Well, that is worse than I

ever could have hoped for.

I learned something, Joan.

It's not where you're born.

It's where you're from.

When I was

nine years old,

I broke my arm

sledding on that giant hill

behind Kernston's

Rubber Nipple factory.

You know, Nipple Hill.

Of course.

It gets very slippery there.

I know that.

Especially when it's wet.

Yes.

And Jim, Jim Kabernick.

I know Jim.

Jim and I have gone

to school together

since we were, like,

three years old.

Yes, that's true.

Do you remember when

you peed your pants

in second grade?

Why did you

bring that up?

I said yes.

You stuck your underwear

in your drawer and you

got real embarrassed,

and then the teacher

came over and

pulled them out?

And everybody

called you "the gerbil"

because you always smelled

like soiled wood chips?

Leslie, for God's sake.

We're on TV.

The point is,

you can't choose

where you were born,

but you can choose

where you live.

I love this town.

I always have.

I always will.

And that's why I

wrote a book about it.

And that's why

I'm running

for City Council.

Look, I'm not crazy.

I know Pawnee isn't Paris,

or London, or Chicago.

But it's a great place

to live and work.

And serving

the goofballs in this town

is an honor and a privilege.

And yes, every town claims

its diner's waffles are

the best in the world.

But somewhere, in some town,

there really are

the best waffles in the world.

So delicious and rich

and golden brown

that anyone who

tasted them would decide

never to leave that town.

Somewhere,

those waffles exist.

Why can't it be here?

Joan put us

in her book club.

Although I could

do without this.

Leslie? Here's the thing.

I've been all over the state.

Indianapolis, Bloomington,

Lafayette, Muncie, Gary,

all the places you

mention in the book.

And I've interviewed

all the people you mentioned.

And so far, there is

not one incorrect fact.

So, now, I am going

to head to the house,

say hey to Gayle,

wish my daughter

a happy belated birthday,

it was yesterday

and then,

I'm going to

head back out

and hit all the towns

in the southeast.

But is there

anything I should know?

Any new info?

Nope.

You're doing great.

Godspeed.

Doing what I can.

Yep.

Got to go, Donna.

Can't talk.

He just seems so happy.

I didn't say anything.