Original subtitles

Okay, guys.

The Battle Royale

is coming up.

Every department in one room,

arguing for more money.

Budgetary Thunderdome.

So, uh, make lists of why

other departments suck,

and I'm going to go

get the secret weapon.

Our secret weapon in

this budgetary battle?

Ron.

Every time another department

asks for more money,

he just stares them down

until they back off and,

or, wet themselves.

Hey! Who's ready to get...

What are you doing?

Tammy One showed up.

I'm being audited

by the IRS.

No. Your worst nightmare.

You know what? Screw this.

First of all,

income tax is illegal.

Second, Tammy is

a psychological mastermind.

This is just another way

for her to put her hand

up my keister

and control me like a puppet.

I'd rather be locked up.

Ron, this is

a federal tax audit.

You could go to jail.

Jail, Ron. Ron, jail.

Jail, Ron. Jail.

You could go to jail.

Jail. Jail. Jail.

Are you broken?

Andy! April!

What's up, boss?

Stop yelling and

being annoying.

Grab your calculators,

settle in.

Operation Rescue Ron

is starting.

Don't worry. I will think

of a better name for it

by tomorrow.

Here you go.

Calculator.

Hey! Ben!

Hey, man.

Hey, thanks for

texting me to hang out.

I really felt

like we'd developed

a cool friendship, and it...

Anyway, it was just nice

to have that validated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Look. We've got some documents

over at Entertainment 720

that seem really complicated.

And I thought maybe you could

take a look at them,

because nerd stuff

probably really excites you.

Because you're a nerd.

No, of course. Yeah, no.

I'll just put on

my Star Wars pajamas

and sit in my mom's basement

and pore over

some spreadsheets.

That sounds great.

Yeah. What have you got?

Something called

"break even analysis tables"?

Oh, break evens?

Those are really fun.

Yeah, sure, I'll take a look.

Let's hit it.

What do you...

Right now? I have work.

And I thought I had a friend.

All right.

It's almost too easy.

I can hear you.

I know you can, Ben.

That's how easy it is.

So, we need to find proof

of every tax deduction

I've taken

in the last five years.

Ron, most of these

aren't even receipts.

This one says,

"I bought supplies 2007."

You won't find

any bank statements, either.

I've heavily invested in gold,

which I've buried

in several different

locations around Pawnee.

Or have I?

What's this?

Some kind of lame drug deal?

That is

a gentleman's agreement.

I made that man

a dining room table

in exchange for

60 feet of copper pipe

and a half pig.

Well, looks like we have

some actual receipts here.

Same amount every month.

140 bucks. What's this?

Every 30 days,

I buy shotgun shells

and cigarettes,

and send them home to my mom.

That's so sweet.

Your mom sounds kickass.

My first ex-wife's name

is Tammy.

My second ex-wife's name

is Tammy.

My mom's name is Tamara.

She goes by Tammy.

You can prevent

adult-onset diabetes

by getting an annual check-up,

exercising, praying...

Okay.

Who is that guy?

That is Walt Morphling.

He was the Director

of Public Health,

but he had to retire at 46

because he had diabetes.

That is sad, but also,

in this town, understandable.

I would like

to shoot a new PSA.

And I think it would

be good to get someone

who's healthy and telegenic,

and I thought that

you would be perfect.

Ann Perkins. I am flattered.

And I will do it.

Is there a script, yet?

Uh, no, because you

just approved the idea,

like, three seconds ago.

I would like you

to write me a script

and get it to me in an hour.

And we should start

thinking about wardrobe.

Casual? Formal?

Semi-formal? Sporty?

Scary? Posh? Baby?

Those are the Spice Girls.

I just got caught up

in my own thoughts.

I'm very excited about this.

In terms of shirts,

I can wear white...

Welcome to paradise, my man.

We can chill

over there by the bar.

We've also got basketball,

at any time you want,

with Roy Hibbert

and Detlef Schrempf.

Oh, my God.

That's an actual NBA player.

He plays for the Pacers.

NBA's on strike,

so we got him for only,

like, 75% of his

original NBA salary.

What up, Roy?

This is all you want me to do?

Play one-on-one with Detlef?

Yes. And keep your mouth shut.

Jean-Ralphio.

Take me there.

Oh!

Boom!

Who are you?

Uh...

This is Ben. He's here

to help us with the paperwork.

Ben. Is that

your real name?

Yes.

Oh, you could do

better than that.

I'm going to

help you out right now.

Your name is Angelo.

Angelo, thank you

so much for coming out.

Get a thicker tie.

It looks weird on you.

Makes your head

look like a fish.

Secondly, I don't know

where the paperwork is,

but when you find it,

can you take care

of it for us?

We don't have any pens

'cause we're afraid it's

gonna leak on our shirts.

Lastly, I hate

the name Angelo.

I'm gonna switch

it up for you right now.

Your new nickname is

Jell-O Shot.

What do you think

about that, "J-Shot"?

Do we have questions?

Yeah.

Where are we?

All right, Ben.

If you need anything,

one of these models

that we pay

to hang around here

will grab it for you.

In the meantime,

we're going to be

playing video games

and tweeting our high scores.

Hit it!

Um...

Hi. Are you the receptionist?

I guess. I don't really know.

If you don't mind me asking,

how much are they paying you?

A hundred thousand

dollars a year

with full medical.

I mean, I would guess

they'll be bankrupt

by the end of this sentence.

No, thank you.

Is this true?

You only spent $40 on clothes

in the past five years?

Sounds about right.

How did you meet Tammy One?

Technically, I've known

her since I was born.

She was a candy striper

at the hospital.

She helped deliver me.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I grew up in

a very small town.

Six hundred people.

Everybody knew everybody else.

We first took up

together when I was 15.

Awesome.

Oh, my God.

It was a little scandalous,

but everyone feared her,

so they kept

their mouths shut.

I don't even know her,

but she's my hero.

Oh, she's no hero, April.

She's a hellacious nightmare.

She did, however,

teach me everything I know.

Sunday school, sex.

She was my math teacher

in middle school

and my babysitter,

and she taught drivers ed.

I...

Hello. I don't believe

we've met.

I am Leslie Knope, Deputy...

I don't think it will be

necessary for you to

speak again while I'm here.

Why do I only

date brunettes?

You know, sometimes,

you eat chicken

and you get food poisoning,

and then even the sight

of chicken makes you sick?

Tammy One is

my blonde chicken.

Good God, Ronald.

This is a much bigger mess

than I imagined.

You'll take

a week off from work.

We'll do a complete overhaul

of your finances.

I'll need access

to all of your accounts.

And your home.

Is that necessary?

Oh, are we playing a game

where everyone says

something stupid?

You. What is your name?

Tim. Tim Buckanowski.

Really?

No. Andy Dwyer.

Andy, you're going

to collect all of this

and you're going

to put it in my car.

Miss Knope.

Yes.

You're going to go to

payroll and get copies

of Ronald's workplace

expense reports.

I'm just wondering

how long that's going to take,

because Ron and I have

a very important

meeting together.

It's called the Battle Royale.

It's super fun. Where all...

Oh. You and Ron have

a big meeting, huh?

I'm sure Ron will remember

the meeting fondly

while he makes toilet wine

in a federal prison

in Terre Haute.

I'll head down to payroll.

Now. You're not

getting any younger.

Yes, ma'am.

She's the cold,

distant mother I never had.

I love her.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, sir.

How can I help you?

Ron. Your mustache fell off.

Leslie, you goofball.

Tammy pointed out that

my face looked better

without any hair on it.

And it did collect

a lot of food crumbs,

which is very unsanitary.

What?

Hey, Jer. Hump day,

am I right, buddy?

What?

What is going on?

Where's Tammy One?

She moved in with me.

She's really helping me out.

Yesterday, she converted

my bank account

into a joint

bank account with her.

Oh. That's great.

And how is that going to help?

Not sure.

When she explains it,

it makes total sense.

It is so nice

having her around.

Here's something neat.

Tammy's got me

taking baby aspirin

to lower my risk

of heart disease.

Science is a miracle.

Any-hoo, back

to the old grindstone.

These emails aren't

going to send themselves.

Diabetes can't be cured,

but it can be prevented.

Make a choice, make a change,

and together,

we can make a difference.

What do you think?

Any notes?

Great. Just as good,

if not exactly the same,

as the last one.

In that last one,

I left a nanosecond of a pause

between the words

"together" and "we".

It felt much better,

but I'd love

to try another one.

I really think we've got it.

Ann, this is important to me

'cause it's important to you.

I mean, you spent

a lot of time and energy

on writing this.

Not really.

So, it needs to be perfect.

So, let's do one more,

then five more,

then 20 in a row.

Hey! Look who it is!

Hey, hey!

Tom. Jean-Ralphio.

Professional

basketball players.

'Sup, Jell-O Shot?

Can I ask you guys a question?

How exactly are

you making money?

Do you want to know

how we make money?

Do you want to know

how we make money?

By literally printing

our own money.

We bought a printing press.

This prints bills

with our faces

and the E 720 logo on them.

We promote the company

by going to clubs

and tossing the bills

in the air and screaming...

Free money!

Okay. You can't just

print your own money.

Uh...

This has to stop,

right now.

Aw!

What's the deal, baby?

One second,

you hit the party switch

and the next second,

you're all business.

I need to see

all of your books.

You got it, baby.

Baby! Get him the books.

Oh, Snapple.

Are we calling

everybody "baby" now?

Because honestly, I love that.

Are we saying "Snapple"

anytime we think

something's dope?

'Cause I love that, baby.

Do you know what I love?

Jell-O Shot!

Jell-O Shot! Jell-O Shot!

Thank you.

We're here

to serve you, friend.

I hope the rest of

your day is cool beans.

Ron. What is this

memo you sent to me?

You're not going to

the Battle Royale?

I have decided not

to attend this year.

Okay. First of all,

it's disturbing that

you wrote a memo at all.

But you love arguing

against government spending.

Why do you not

want to do it now?

Leslie, please.

The government knows

what it's doing.

I am confident that I...

Ouchie.

You and I are going to lunch.

We have to talk.

Let me just call Tammy first

and get permission.

Oh, come on.

Tammy, I was wondering

if I could go to

lunch with Leslie?

Terrific. Bye.

She says I can't go.

You're going to lunch with me.

I say you can go.

Oh, gosh.

I'm really in a pickle now.

Oh, my God.

When Ron falls for Tammy Two

he turns into

a demonic sex maniac.

But this? Neutered wimp?

This is worse.

Operation Golden Dove

is in trouble.

Ron, there are some things

I want to speak to you about,

but I'm not quite sure

how to phrase them.

Just blurt them

right out, Leslie.

Anything you say will

stay between you and me.

Right, my love?

Stop fidgeting.

Sorry.

I was hoping to speak

with Ron alone.

He wants me here.

He invited me.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Don't worry, Leslie.

Tammy's totally cool.

Oh. Okay. Then,

I'll say it to her.

You're evil

and you need to go.

Leslie, you are a panic.

Tammy, may I

use the restroom?

Remember to wash your hands.

Okay. You know what?

Let's cut the crap.

Is this audit even real?

In a sense, yes.

But in another, truer sense,

no, it is not.

I want Ronald back.

But I had to learn

about his finances

to make sure my future

was protected.

I'm impressed.

He's acquired

quite a bit of gold.

You gold digger.

You are literally

a gold digger.

The thing I love about Tammy

is she calls me on my crap.

Every guy needs that.

Okay. If you want

this company to survive,

you immediately

need to downsize.

I mean, you don't need

this airplane hangar.

Um, I think we do.

And two,

you have to keep

detailed financial records.

Thank you. I've been

trying to tell them that.

Waste of time.

They wouldn't know

a Non-Employee

Tax-Reportable

Expenditure Request

if it bit them in the ass.

Hey, guys.

Which two people here

started their own company?

'Cause I'm pretty sure

it wasn't you two bozos.

Hey.

Look, you guys can swagger

around all you want,

but businesses

need revenue. Okay?

Unless you start working

on an actual plan,

you're dead in a month.

That's a fact.

Ben, thanks for your time.

But with all due respect,

as far as business

decisions go,

I think we know

what we're doing.

Don't forget to grab

a free iPad on your way out.

He didn't even grab one.

Diabetes! Fight it!

Not quite,

but I like the energy.

Are we still rolling?

Yep.

Diabetes!

Okay.

Let's... Can we take a break?

I think that's a great idea.

I think we almost have it,

and I am very excited

at that prospect.

I'll cancel

my 4:00 and my 5:00

and my 6:00 appointments.

I cannot believe I dated him.

For a long time.

And he broke up with me.

Fat equals splat.

As in, "you're dead."

Is there something there?

No, that sucked.

But there's something there.

I'm feeling it.

Let's go right away.

It's magic time.

From the top, everybody.

There's no one else here.

Basically, we're being

attacked by Godzilla.

And to beat Godzilla,

we need Mothra.

No offense.

None taken.

I'm very flattered.

Who's this? Who's this

tall drink of water?

Andy.

Hey, Andy.

How's it hanging?

Listen.

We need to break

Ron from her spell.

Can't you just

move your butt around

or wear a dress

made out of meat?

Well, I could do all of

those things and have,

but that bitch is crazy.

When Ron left her

and we got together,

she threw acid on my foot.

Ew!

Could we take a peek at it?

Listen. Tammy One was

my Sunday school teacher, too.

She can pinpoint

your weaknesses,

and then destroy you

with just one word.

And a jar of acid.

Oh, my God.

I think I have an idea

that could save Ron.

Andy.

Don't joke around.

I have ideas, too.

You were right to come get me.

My son, Ronny,

always had a weakness

for those ladies.

Oh, wow. Is this Ron?

Yep. At the age of five.

He's standing next to

the first chair he ever built.

Oh, my God!

There's a room

full of just guns.

Why do you have so many guns?

This is America, isn't it?

Yes.

Then, I don't have

to answer stupid questions

while standing

on my own property.

Let's go.

Okay, well, that's

definitely Ron's mom.

Tammy.

Tammy.

Ronnie.

What's going on?

Welcome to the Battle Royale.

Right here. Right now.

Operation Soaring Falcon

is in its final stages.

It's time to settle this.

Ah!

An old-fashioned

prairie drink-off.

Oh, what's in that jug?

It smells like jet fuel.

That's Swanson Family

Mash Liquor.

Made from the finest corn

ever grown on American soil.

Its only legal use

is to strip varnish

off of speedboats.

If you win, he's all yours.

And if I win,

I bring him back

to the farm for good.

Wait. What?

That wasn't the deal.

Pour it. I'm thirsty.

Pour me one, too, then.

Let me in here.

I'm going to join you.

And if I win,

Ron stays here with us.

Leslie, no.

Don't drink that.

We use it to burn

warts off of the mules.

Poison!

Ugh!

I made a mistake.

I made a mistake.

Diabetes.

How were we together

for five months?

Well, you know, it's possible

you could just date a guy

because of where you are

in your life emotionally.

I mean, I suppose

you're right, John.

Ann Perkins.

I hate to say this,

but I have a stain

on my shirt.

Which means that everything

we've shot so far is unusable.

But let's use this

as an opportunity

to revisit the script.

Delivery guy.

Hey.

Diabetes!

Had enough?

Of this watered-down

baby formula?

Not even close.

Not even close.

Marvin clonse.

Glenn Close.

Leslie, you don't

have to do this.

Shh! Go to bed, Jimmy.

Blech!

I can't feel my face.

My face is numb.

What is that?

And together, we can

make a difference.

That's it.

I think we've got it.

Do you think we got it?

Yes.

Yeah. We have it.

We had it seven hours ago.

Oh, Ann, I know that

I can be intense,

but I'm only trying to be

the best me that I can be.

I want to thank you

for this opportunity.

And your patience.

And your intelligence and...

Your insight.

You really are

an amazing human being.

Thank you.

Oh, right.

That's why I dated him.

Hey.

I wanted to apologize.

Uh, we brought in

five accountants

to look at E 720,

and they all said

the same thing you did.

If we don't start

making changes,

we're going to

lose the company.

Okay. Well, first thing

you need to do?

Get rid of four of

those accountants.

You don't need

five accountants.

Again, good advice.

Here.

Okay. You really...

You need to stop

giving these away like candy.

I bought that one personally.

As a thank-you.

It's an iPad.

Everybody prance, now

Prance, prance, prance,

prance, prance

She's had enough.

Call it off.

That's not how it works.

She's out.

Wait. I'm subbing in.

April, no.

That stuff will melt

the shell off a garden snail.

Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican.

I can handle it.

Oh, my God.

Okay. This ends now.

Ah.

Mom?

You're going back

to the farm. And you?

Hmm?

You're going back to hell.

Fine. I got what

I came for, anyway.

I found your

underground safe.

I stole half your gold.

That's decoy gold.

You think I'd leave

my gold in a locked safe

buried underground,

where anyone could find it?

You don't know me at all.

Yes, I do. I knew you

the minute you were born.

I intend to be there

the minute you die.

Ron, your family is weird.

Literally, there's someone

reading a magazine

and someone

applying nail polish.

What's... What is she doing?

She's just playing

with an iPad.

Tom told me

that chair was $27,000.

That chair, that has a roof.

There's someone over there

in a deep sleep.

She's probably being paid

upwards of $100,000 a year.

There's this video of a boat.

Look at that thing.

What is that?

What are you supposed to do

with that thing?