Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Are you Leslie Knope?

Yes.

We are part of a group

that tries to identify

potential candidates

for political office

here in town.

Are you

theoretically interested

in running for office?

Absotootly, I am.

Very sorry that

I just used that word.

Before we go any further,

I need you to tell me,

is there a scandal

out there?

Is there anything at all

you need to tell us

about your life?

Nope.

Who were the suits?

They want me

to run for office.

Oh, my God.

Leslie. Yay!

I know, right? Yay!

Yay! Yay!

Wait. What does that mean

about you and Ben?

I don't know.

I think it's going

to be really bad.

Uh-oh! Do you want to

go back to saying "yay"?

Yes, please. Yay!

Yay!

Knope, follow me.

Just one second.

Now.

Ron. Hey!

Whoa! Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ron. Ron, Ron, Ron.

What's going on?

My ex-wife,

Tammy, is back.

Yeah. I saw her

in the courtyard.

No, my other ex-wife,

Tammy. Tammy One.

I have accrued

228 personal days.

Starting right now,

I'm using all of them.

While I'm gone,

you're in charge.

Also, I keep a sizable supply

of ground chuck in my desk.

Remove it or it will

begin to smell.

Godspeed.

Hey, Ron.

Move.

Oh, jeez.

Warning.

High levels of swagger

coming through.

Tommy Haverford back

at the Parks Department.

Entertainment 720

hockey jersey, anybody?

Branded mouse pad?

Entertainment 720

is just a little

multinational

entertainment company

that I started with

my boy Jean-Ralphio.

What exactly do we do?

Let's just say,

it's too hard to explain.

Donna, you look amazing.

How are the kids?

I don't have kids.

Wow. How long has it been?

Three weeks.

So, did you get a chance

to look at my sample

position papers?

How do you feel

about my stance on

Egyptian debt relief?

It probably won't

come up in a local

city council election.

But your thoroughness,

as always,

is impressive.

Thank you.

Now, we have three months

until you announce

your campaign.

I think we should

start talking strategy.

My strategy is to win.

I have been dreaming

about running

for public office

my whole life.

While other girls were

playing with Barbies,

I was playing with

a Geraldine Ferraro

action figure,

that I made myself

from a picture of her

that I glued onto

a popsicle stick.

See you next week?

Okay.

I'm looking forward to it.

Hey. What?

Who was that?

Um...

Ladies. Just ladies.

Meeting for

the ladies' yacht club.

Anchors away, ladies.

What?

Just don't...

Ladies' yacht club?

I cannot believe

you haven't told him yet.

After I tell him

I'm running for office,

we're going to

have to break up.

Why can't you just

keep sneaking around?

Oh, Ann. You beautiful,

naive, sophisticated

newborn baby.

What?

Before,

if people found out,

we would maybe

lose our jobs.

Now, if people find out,

it's going to be

a major scandal.

My campaign

will be over

before it begins.

What are you

going to do?

I have a plan,

and it's really good.

I'm going to

postpone telling him

until you figure out

what I'm supposed to do.

So, get cracking.

How is this on me?

Oh, fine. I'll do it.

God, who keeps

emailing me?

A penis.

What?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

It's emailing me, too.

Whoever this is

sent it to every woman

in the entire government.

Oh, my God.

He's got to be

so embarrassed.

I mean, that's

a crazy accident.

No, Andy,

he did it

on purpose.

You know what? Respect.

That's a baller move.

Pun intended.

Excuse me.

Chris, Jerry's making us

look at dirty pictures

on his computer.

It is exactly because

of that lewd photo

that I am here.

Ben and I are launching

a full investigation.

I want to apologize

to all the women and Jerry.

If I could go back in time

and cut your eyeballs out,

I would.

Wow, that is

so sweet.

Thank you.

We are getting

a lot of media requests

about this.

So, Leslie,

can you do

Perd Hapley?

Oh! She can do Perd Hapley.

Seriously.

Can you do his TV show?

Oh, yeah.

Andrew, my mandrew,

what you up to?

I'm about to do

an experiment where

I huck this at the wall

and see what happens.

But that can wait.

Shoe shine?

Andy, I'm going to be honest.

I came here today

to talk to you.

Now, look.

You're enthusiastic.

You're hard-working.

You can lift heavy things.

I think there might

be a place for you

over at Entertainment 720.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

My company.

Oh, I don't know, Tom.

I'm just now

getting really good

at shoe shining.

And, I'm still

pretty bad at it.

Let me ask you this.

Are you living your dreams?

I don't know, Tom.

I'm living mine,

and if you

want to live yours,

here's my card.

It's impossible to read.

Black print,

black background.

It's the coolest possible

color scheme.

Yeah.

It's also a strong magnet,

so keep it out of your wallet.

It will destroy

your credit cards.

Guaranteed.

Destroy my credit cards.

Debt and everything?

Mr. Mayor,

I promise you

that we will find

the owner of that wiener,

and we will punish him.

Goodbye.

Ann Perkins.

Hey.

I didn't know who

to come to with this,

but that picture...

There's something

very disturbing

about the testicles.

I've always felt

the same way myself.

The testicles

are like the ears

of the genital system.

They serve a very

important function,

but they're not

that great to look at.

Okay. Wow! No, I was

speaking medically.

They're enlarged.

I think that maybe

that guy is sick

with something.

Perhaps a hernia or mumps.

Ann Perkins.

You really know

your testes.

Thank you?

For a female perspective

on this scandal,

we turn to a woman.

Leslie Knope,

I'm about to ask you

a question right now

and that question is this.

The lewd photo.

Just how big a deal is it?

Well, frankly, Perd,

it's not that big a deal,

if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean,

but it had

the cadence of a joke.

When men in government

behave this way,

they betray

the public's trust.

Maybe it's time

for more women

to be in charge.

There you have it,

where "it" is the thing

Leslie Knope just said

about this situation.

Perd Hap...

How was that?

Was that okay?

Amazing.

That sound bite is gold.

You're going to get

great feedback on this,

and we think

we can capitalize.

You're going to

announce your candidacy

on Friday.

Friday. In three months.

No, this Friday.

Is that okay?

No. Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Great. Okay.

We'll do that,

then, now. Soon.

And I just have something

I've been postponing for

a while that I need to do,

but I'll do it now.

Great.

Yay!

I know it.

Ben.

Ben, I need to talk to you.

That was my brother.

He just had a baby girl.

Oh, my God.

That's horrible.

Or good.

Full disclosure,

I didn't listen to

what you just said.

I need to talk to you

about something.

Okay, well, before

you say anything,

let me just show you

what I got at

Doug's Donuts.

It's an L-shaped éclair.

The "L" is for Leslie,

for your name.

Hey. How are you?

Bad. Really bad.

Oh, God.

How did the breakup go?

Well, I started crying

because he gave me an éclair.

And then we made out

and spent the night together.

But this morning,

in the cold light of day,

I cooked breakfast

and we made out some more.

Wow! You opposite

of broke up with him.

He gave me

an éclair, Ann.

Joe, I've determined

that the lewd picture

was sent by you,

because you sent it

from your personal

email address,

stinkmaster69@alumni.

sarahlawrencecollege.edu.

Really? Sarah Lawrence?

Yeah. I wanted

a small college experience.

You also bragged about it

to many of your co-workers.

There's an old

sewage department saying,

"If you've got

a nice drain pipe,

there's no reason to hide it."

I doubt that's a saying.

We are terminating you,

effective immediately.

Is this because

you're jealous?

No.

It's because

you broke the law.

The law of having

an amazing package.

Before we have him

forcibly removed,

you should know this.

That one of our

female employees,

a nurse, examined

the photo you sent her.

I bet she did.

And you have the mumps.

You might want to

get that checked.

Sweet. Someone's got

mumps on his lumps.

Up high. Anyone?

Ron isn't here.

His ex-wife, Tammy, came,

and he got scared

and ran away.

Well, as acting manager

of the Parks Department,

I declare that everything

you are saying is stupid.

Hah!

I love you.

Hey, so, Tom

offered me a job again.

As my manager,

what do you think

I should do?

What do you want to do?

I think it'd be

kind of cool

to work for Tom.

So, take it.

But,

working at a start-up

can be kind of risky.

So, don't take it.

But Tom told me to

follow my dreams.

So, take it.

But this isn't my dream.

So, don't take it.

I don't know

what to do.

Me, neither.

You give such good advice.

Babe, I love you.

You're welcome.

Ann Perkins.

Hey.

Did you maybe tell people

that I diagnosed that guy

with mumps based

on his porn photo?

I did. I was

so proud of you.

Okay. Because now

I have everyone

in City Hall sending me

pictures of their junk,

asking me if

they have mumps.

Oh, my God.

Your inbox is literally

filled with penises.

Mmm-hmm.

I am so sorry.

Oh, look.

Ed Miller from Payroll.

Before I do this,

is there any possible way

that we could

still keep dating?

We've attacked this

from all angles.

Either you don't

run for office...

Which is out

of the question.

...or you break up with him

and avoid a potential scandal.

Do you need to get that?

No, it's just penises.

Leslie, I don't want you

to break up with him either.

There's just no other way.

Yeah.

Just be direct and honest.

Okay.

Okay? Mmm.

It's the entire

Sanitation Department,

from Muncie. Ugh!

Would you like

any wine to start?

Yes. And I'm going to be

direct and honest with you.

I would like

a glass of red wine,

and I'll take

the cheapest one you have

because I can't

tell the difference.

I'll have the same.

Great.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

Okay.

I really, really like you.

I like you, too.

And I think I know

what you're going to say.

I highly doubt that.

I think I do.

Oh, I don't.

And I got you something.

No. What is this?

Is this jewelry?

It's not. Just open it.

No.

Great.

I need to go

to another place.

I'm going to go

to the bathroom.

The whiz palace,

as we like

to call it here.

And I'm going to be back,

and I'm not going to split.

I'm here for you.

Because we need to

talk about stuff.

Okay?

All right.

What...

No.

Ron.

What are you doing here?

Running away

from my problems.

Come on in.

Okay. So, here's

what's going on.

I didn't ask.

On Friday,

I'm supposed to announce

that I'm running

for City Council.

And I haven't

told Ben yet.

I know I said

that we broke up,

but we couldn't.

We're still dating.

But now, I have to

break up with him for real.

But I don't want

to break up with him

because he's so cute

and he's so nice...

If you're going to stay here,

there are three rules

you need to follow.

One, no talk

about Tammy One.

Two, no talk about Ben.

Three, no talk.

I didn't even

ask you last night.

What is going on

with Tammy One?

You just violated

rules number one and three.

You lose your

coffee privileges.

Oh.

You choose, Knope.

Hunting, fishing

or drinking?

I'd really love to

shoot a gun right now.

Fishing it is.

And so,

effective immediately,

all male employees must

stop sending explicit photos

to Ms. Perkins.

If I may, what if based

on empirical evidence,

I truly believe there

is a grave and immediate

medical emergency?

Were that the case,

could I then

show you my dong?

No.

That would be harassment.

Fair enough.

Now, completely

different scenario.

Let's say,

I've been watching

a lot of women's golf

and I've had some wine.

How about this?

I'm going to get

a male doctor to come in

and do some screenings.

Perfect. Just as a backup,

I'm sending you some photos.

That will not be necessary.

That's me.

Brand new day,

brand new merch.

I got you guys some awesome

Entertainment 720 stuff.

Donna, this is for you.

Entertainment 720 umbrella.

Entertainment 720 flyswatters.

Rubik's Cube

with my face on it.

Breath mints.

Fireplace bellows.

And drum roll, please.

Drum roll

sound effect key chain.

Shouldn't you be working

at your new company, Tom?

I am working, April.

I'm making high-level

network contacts.

You think

Bethenny Frankel sits

behind a desk all day?

She makes $100 million a year.

How much do you make a year?

$101 million.

I, for one,

am happy to see Tom.

Thanks, Jerry.

Here. Have an umbrella

and some breath strips.

Whoa!

All right,

enough chit-chat,

everyone.

Please get back to work.

You're not our boss.

What did you

just say to me?

Ma'am.

So, did you get a chance

to think about my offer?

Yeah. I've been

thinking a lot

about what you said.

I want to do my dreams,

but I just don't think

my dream is working

for a company that

puts logos on stuff.

That's not what

my company does.

Although, maybe we'll start.

Hey. What you think?

Donna, that looks great.

I could do

without this one.

So, running for office.

Now, I'm going to

have to find

a replacement for you.

Hah! I might not win.

You'll win.

I might not run.

You should.

What's our plan here, Knope?

I figure we build a fire,

roast the fish we shot,

and make s'mores.

I don't have

the material

for s'mores.

I do. I always carry

emergency s'more rations

in my car.

Given your hunting abilities

and my chocolate supply,

I figure we could

stay up here for

two, three years?

You know,

when I was 12,

my brother shot me

in the pinky toe

with a nail gun.

Granted,

it was a hilarious prank,

and we all had a good laugh.

That's awful.

But I avoided

going to the doctor.

I hate paperwork.

After a few weeks,

the toe just

kind of fell off.

You only have nine toes?

I have the toes I have.

Let's just

leave it at that.

The point is,

the doctor said if

I had come in right away,

they might have

saved the toe.

You can't run away

from your problems.

Especially if you

only have nine toes.

Sorry.

That was uncalled for.

I'm Ron Swanson,

and you're Leslie...Knope.

You with me?

What is your dream?

It's to be

the biggest rock star

on the planet, obviously.

But that could take

another three to five years.

Don't get me wrong.

Shoe shining has been

a pretty wild ride,

but is it possible

there's something

more out there for me?

Andy, there's tons

of stuff you can do.

I'll help you

figure it out.

Really?

Yes. One year from now,

you, Andy Dwyer,

will no longer

be a shoe-shinist.

Kyle, beat it.

I'm going to make out

with my wife now.

But you've only done

half of one of my shoes.

Here.

Now, I haven't

done anything.

Scram, kid.

Hello.

Hey, Ron. Welcome...

Stop.

First order of business.

I promised Leslie

I'd hire her

a new assistant,

so the department doesn't

completely shut down

while she runs for office.

You're running for office?

Yeah. City Council.

Leslie, that is great.

Thank you.

Will you pledge right now

not to raise taxes?

I think that's premature.

No pledge, no vote.

The point is,

she needs an assistant.

Start asking around.

Hire Andy.

Andy can do it.

Sure. Yeah.

Done. Andy, you are

now Leslie's assistant.

Honey.

Oh.

Leslie, I'm going to

work my ass off for you.

I'll do anything you ask me.

I will prove myself.

You don't even

have to pay me.

No. Honey. No.

I will...

Tomorrow, there will be

a 300-page

orientation booklet,

as well as a dozen

homemade cookies

in the shape of your face.

But today...

There is something else

I have to do.

If any of you need

anything at all, too bad.

Deal with your

problems yourselves,

like adults.

I'll be in my office,

waiting for Tammy One.

You want me to find her?

There's no need.

She'll find me.

She has the tracking ability

and body odor of a bloodhound.

Okay. So, now,

you're sure that everything

is okay, down there.

You're perfectly healthy.

That man has

the largest penis

I have ever seen.

I actually don't even

know if he has mumps.

I forgot to look.

I was distracted,

by the largest penis

I have ever seen.

I know I've been acting

really weird lately.

And, I really like you.

What I'm about to say

is going to contradict

the idea that

I really like you,

but that won't change...

I know.

So, just open the box.

Please stop

bringing out

the box.

Okay?

Leslie...

You're being really nice.

And what I'm about to say

is going to

make you hate me.

Okay. Then, I'll just

open the box for you.

Wow.

You knew?

I figured it out

a while ago.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you

I knew, but I just...

I wanted this to last

as long as possible.

We have to break up.

Why?

Why do we

have to break up?

Leslie, everything

you've accomplished,

you have earned and

you have worked for.

I don't want anyone

to think that you got

where you are today

by sleeping

with your boss.

But I really like

sleeping with my boss.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, look.

I'm going to make this

really easy for you.

It's not you, it's me.

I'm not ready

for a commitment.

I just don't

like you anymore.

I know it's hard

to hear that, but...

You're boring.

And, frankly,

you disgust me.

Ugh!

How did you

figure it out?

Leslie, there was a dude

in the ladies' yacht club.

Yeah,

but I covered that

pretty well.

Also, you've been making

campaign speeches

in your sleep.

Granted, you always do that,

but they got really

specific and moving.

Did I have

a good opening line?

It was simple,

but I liked it.

Friends,

honored guests,

Pawneeans.

I am Leslie Knope,

and I am running

for City Council.

Hello, Tammy.

Ronald.

That's enough small talk.

What do you want?

You remember what I do

for a living, I trust.

Yes. You ruin

people's lives.

You're being audited, Ronald.

I don't care.

Then why is your

mustache trembling?

I'm here as a friend.

Call it nostalgia.

Or, perhaps, guilt for

all the times I tried to

smother you in your sleep.

I don't need your help.

Wrong. You do.

As you're

so fond of saying,

it's a free country.

Good luck.

I hope you don't go to jail.

Sit up straight.

You're not doing

your breasts any favors.

Thank you.

Honey, your breasts

look amazing.