All language subtitles for MV5BZmIwOWY5YTgtMzA5Yi00M

[TV static drones]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

[bright tone]

- I always admired
American stand-up specials,

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

the way the comic
always seemed so cool,

smoking a cigarette
even if they don't smoke,

pulling up outside
a packed venue

with not a care in the world.

[muffled cheering]
Hey, I get it.

Life moves fast,
so you got to walk slow.

But it's my time now, time
for me to do my first special.

It's time for me to shine.

Hey, sweetheart.
How's your mother?

Time for me to show everyone
what the fuck I've got.

[retching]

- Brett, let's go. Showtime.
Come on. Ugh.

- I don't know
why I said I'd do this.

I don't want to do this.

There's too many
people out there.

I don't want to do a special.
It's insane to do a special--

- Pull yourself together!

[dramatic music]

[elevator bell dings]

[bell dinging]

- [clears throat]
Like I was saying,

time to show them
what I'm made of...

- Oi!

Have a great show, Brett.
- Cheers, Buddy G.

- Just have fun!

- In the greatest place
on Earth, New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

[Curtis Mayfield's
"Move on Up" playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Hush now, child ♪

♪ And don't you cry ♪

♪ Your folks
might understand you ♪

[song fades]

- New Jersey, how are you?

[cheers and applause]

All right, then.
Let's start with my name.

My name is Brett Goldstein.

That is my real name.

And where I come from
in London, England,

that's quite an exotic name.

No one knows a Brett Goldstein.

I've come to the East Coast.

Do you know who knows
a Brett Goldstein?

Everyone.

Everyone knows
a Brett Goldstein.

And not just that,

but, apparently,
Brett Goldstein is the name

of the guy
who first fingered you

at summer camp.

So...

just here to continue a great
and important tradition.

Thank you for having me.

I first came out to America
a few years ago, right?

And I first came out here
to do stand-up.

But I didn't know

if I would fit in
with the American comedy scene.

So I was in LA.

I took myself
to the Comedy Store

just to watch a show.

I wanted to see
what it was like.

And all the acts that I saw,
they were all brilliant,

but the level of confidence

was odd.

Like, everyone comes out
onstage like,

what's up, bitches?

And then they all do this
weird sort of racial profiling.

They go, what's up, bitches?
Where my Peruvians at?

And, like, I'm English, right?

So I do stand-up like I do sex.

My true instinct is to come
out on stage and go, sorry.

Thank you so much
for letting me do this.

I promise it won't take long.

I'll just put my head down.
We'll plow through.

No, we don't have to make
eye contact.

I'm as embarrassed as you are.

[gasps]
You don't have to pay me.

I'm just so grateful
you're letting me do it.

I will pay you.

That's too much, too far.

But now I've toured
all over your country.

I've seen all the sights now.

I saw a man masturbating

outside a CVS

on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.

But I've also seen bad things.

I've been everywhere now.
I've seen all the things.

I've been to the White House,
as I'm sure we all have.

It was a couple of years ago.

You might not know this,
but the people from "Ted Lasso"

were invited
to the White House.

[cheers and applause]
Yeah.

It was a different time,
different White House cast.

You remember when there
was that White House cast,

then there was
a different cast,

and then the old cast
got a new season?

Anyway, it was the middle cast,
and it was a big deal.

We were invited.

But one thing I didn't know
is that because of taxpayers--

well done--

they don't really give
proper food or drink to guests

because it's a waste
of taxpayer money,

which is very honorable.

I just wish they'd told us that
in advance,

because I didn't eat or drink
at all beforehand

because I assumed we were going
to live like kings.

Which I do appreciate is
the exact opposite reason

for that building existing.

We were there nine hours.

Hour eight, I was sat
with the president,

going, are you sure?

Just a thimble of water?

Please, sir.

Let me Uber Eats.

What else did I want to tell
you that's relatable?

You know...

Thank you.

You know when you're
on "Sesame Street," right?

We've all done it.
We've all done it.

So I did an episode
of "Sesame Street,"

and I say this without irony.

This is not a joke.

I mean this
with every bone in my body.

It was the best day
of my life...

[cheers and applause]

Which is all well and good,

but I have had
to continue living ever since.

And if I'm completely honest,

I do find myself most days
at some point, going,

I mean, what's
the fucking point anymore?

When I did "Sesame Street,"
people said to me,

oh, it doesn't get
better than that.

I then went to the White House.

It doesn't get
better than that.

Like, yes, I met the president,
but he's not Big Bird.

And I truly worry

that if I ever have a kid

and one day my kid says to me,

was the day I was born...

the best day of your life?

I'll be like, no.

Obviously not.

Have you met fucking Elmo?

'Cause I have,

you arrogant piece of shit.

And if Joe Biden had
had Flamin' Hot Cheetos,

you'd be number three.

Interesting thing
about doing "Sesame Street"--

hell of a sentence.

Interesting thing--
when I did it,

I had in my head
who would be my favorite,

but when I actually did it,
they were not my favorite.

My favorite turned out
to be Cookie Monster.

Wasn't expecting it.

Cookie Monster really
took me by surprise.

I was like, fucking hell,
you're funny.

And on the way home,

I was like, why did I love
Cookie Monster so much?

And then I thought
about it, and I was like,

oh, it's because Cookie Monster
is an addict.

But we are meeting him
at the point of addiction

where he's still fun.

Like, in a few months,

you don't want
to be hanging out with Cookie.

Cookie is a fucking nightmare
very soon.

But right now he's, like, peak
Cookie, you know what I mean?

Like, I truly think they should
do an intervention episode

of "Sesame Street" where, like,
Big Bird goes back to his nest,

and the cash from underneath it
is missing.

There's, like,
a cookie-crumb trail.

And Cookie Monster
goes into the kitchen

and turns on the light,
and they're all lined up.

And Elmo is like, Elmo
thinks you have a problem.

I should have said this
at the top.

I love your country.

You have to say that.
I love your country.

[cheers and applause]
Yep. Okay.

I love your country.
No notes.

No notes.
Everything seems well.

No notes.

One note, just one note,
but it's very, very small.

Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.

My only note,
and it's a very small one,

and I'm sure this is cultural.

I don't understand
your restroom situation.

Now, call me old-fashioned,

but I don't want to see you
taking a shit.

I don't understand
why your stall doors

cover the torso
but nothing else.

So you can see dick and balls
and poo and face,

but not the chest because
that would be disgusting.

No, you're right.

And if that's not enough,
don't panic,

because there is also
always a giant vertical gap

all the way down

so you definitely get
to see everything.

Every restroom I walk in,

I'm making eye contact
with a man straining.

Oh.

You all right, mate?
Looks like you need more fiber.

You okay?

And very occasionally,
you get lucky,

and you get those restrooms
where it's, like, a room,

and it has walls and a door.

But those toilets always have
a lock that's just a button

that you press.

And you have no idea
if that now means it's locked.

And the toilet is always
so far away.

You're always like,
is it safe?

Is it safe?

And the only way to check if it
is locked is to unlock it.

So...

it's either permanently locked
or permanently unlocked.

It's like trying to
do Schrodinger's shit.

In England,
when we need a number two,

we go inside a bank vault
in a submarine

under the River Thames,

as Winston Churchill intended.

Two notes, just two notes.

Everything else is perfect.

I wouldn't change
a thing, I swear.

It's a small note,
and I'm sure this is cultural.

I hope you don't take this
the wrong way,

but I find the way that
Americans finish phone calls

to be aggressive and abrupt.

In England,

it takes about 25 minutes
to finish a phone call.

We finish phone calls
like this.

Thank you very much.
Lovely talking to you again.

Lots of love to everyone.
Yeah, good stuff.

Yeah, we'll speak tomorrow.
Yeah, lots of love to everyone.

Well done on everything.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

No, good night to you, sir.
Yes, okay. Lots of love.

Yeah, thank you very much.
Yeah, it was a good chat.

Yeah, thank you very much.
Thank you. Lots of love.

Okay, thank you, thank you.
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.

In America, you get the
information, you go, yep.

Every time I have a phone call
with an American, it ends,

and I think I've done
something terribly wrong.

I immediately text them--
are we okay?

And they'll always write back,
all good, period, no kiss.

I'm like, fuck.

It's worse than I thought.

I'll text back--
are we breaking up?

They'll be like,
I'm your accountant.

What are you talking about?

I'm like, well, why are
you being such a cunt?

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Let's deal
with what just happened.

I just very casually said
the C-word.

Now, when I arrived
at the airport,

I was told I might be deported
if I did that,

because, apparently, Americans
think that is a bad word.

May we be big and brave
and talk about this?

[cheers and applause]

What the fuck is wrong
with you cunts?

Cunt is my favorite part
on a human being.

Why aren't you celebrating it?

[cheers and applause]

In England, we use that word
for everything.

Like, yes, I can make it
sound nasty,

like, who's this cunt?

But, like, if I see
my best friend,

I'm like, cunt,

because I love him,
you know what I mean?

And there's
so much nuance to it.

You can use it
in so many circumstances.

It's like snowflakes to Inuits.

It's like, imagine you've been
on a night out with the girls,

and you come home
and your husband's

finally emptied the dishwasher.

And he leaves you a note
saying, you're welcome,

and you're like,
you little cunt.

Or, like, when you finally meet
your wife's friend Sven,

who she's been playing
all that tennis with,

but she promised you
he was gay.

But when you finally meet him,
you're like, this cunt.

I hope it is now becoming clear

why I've actually been doing
this tour.

I am trying to bring "cunt"
to America.

[cheers and applause]

It's actually important work.

I did want to call
this show "The Cunt Mission,"

but I was heavily advised
against it by everyone I know.

It's a bit like the phrase
"the state of it."

I don't know
if you have that here.

My dad...

eh, he won't mind me
saying this.

We're filming it.
He'll be proud.

My dad is
a massive pervert, and...

if you ever meet my dad
and you're out with him,

he will just point out
attractive women all night.

And he'll go, fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

Look at the state of it.

Nine months later, I was born.

Three notes, just three notes.

Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.

And it's a very small note,
and I'm sure it's cultural.

As wonderful as it is here--
and it is truly wonderful--

I think, if we're honest,

sometimes it does feel
a bit edgy.

Like, I don't always feel safe.

And...

I had this experience
in New York.

I'm sure you'll be
able to relate to this.

It was a few days ago, right?
I was out with a friend.

It was about half 12:00 at
night, and I said goodbye.

And I got the subway
back to my hotel.

And the subway was
really packed, really busy.

And the train I was on
pulled into a station,

and everyone
got off my carriage,

except for me
and one other person.

And as the doors closed,
I had the overwhelming urge

to turn to that person
and go...

I'm gonna fucking kill you now.

[applause]

I mean, I didn't,
but I felt it,

and it was powerful.

I thought,
maybe I've been here too long.

This next bit, I don't
actually have a segue for,

so I'll just take a pause.

[cheers and applause]

My mum is really hot.

I have a hot mum.

I have a hot, sexy,
curvy, gorgeous mama.

Tell us why you're
in therapy, Brett.

I have a--

I have a hot, sexy, curvy,
sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.

And, listen, do not be creeped
out by me saying this.

These are not my words.

These are the words
of every single person

who has ever met my mum.

What happens is,
people meet my mum.

Then they come to me,

and they go, oh, my God,
I just met your mom.

She's so hot.

And to this day,

I do not know
what I am meant to say

in response.

Am I meant to go...

[laughing]
Yeah!

Fucking right she is!

I've seen her naked, mate!

She might have stopped working,
but those titties haven't.

High five, high five,
high five!

I've been inside her.
You know what I mean?

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, what a shame.
I'm so sorry.

We were having
such a classy evening.

What a shame.

It honestly happens
to me so much

that when people say it to me
whose mum is not hot,

I'm like, am I meant to go,

and your mother
has a cracking personality?

You're a good crowd,
New Jersey.

You're a good crowd,
and you seem--

[cheers and applause]

I'm also vaguely distracted
by a child?

In the front row?

Are you a child?

Are you a human child?

How old is this child?

You're 12.
Okay.

Well, you're gonna
learn so much, and...

And I'm happy to see you.

And when you talk to your
therapist about this one day,

just remember I meant well.

[chuckles]

Thank you for being here.

[chuckles]
But you do seem intelligent,

and you do seem like you can
handle the serious stuff.

I mean, I guess that's why
you come to comedy, isn't it?

We can talk about
the serious stuff--fuck it.

So, look...

been an awful lot going on
these last few years, right?

We've had the pandemic.
We've had wars.

And worse than all of that,
we've had men.

Men is bad.

Men is like, oh, boy.

Like, men is bad.

And I think I'm up to date
on everything

with the Time's Up
and the MeToo,

and the "not you as well."

And, look, here's the truth.

I don't mind
sharing it with you.

You all seem like smart people.

I'll tell you
the fucking truth.

I always knew
that men were bad.

I did, because we have
secret meetings on Tuesdays,

and we brag about it
at the CVS.

But...

I did not know that they
were this bad in this amount.

And the more I read
and the more I hear,

the more I feel
sort of embarrassed

when I introduce myself
to people.

Like, I sort of want to go,
well, obviously, I'm a man,

but I'm not--
[laughs] I'm not a man.

And I realized it must be
what it's like

to be German...

[cheers and applause]

For the last 75 to 80 years,
because everyone you meet,

you're going, well, see,
I'm German, but I'm not--

[laughs] I'm not a Nazi.

And everyone's going,
are you sure?

Because you have got
blonde hair, blue eyes,

and you are
incredibly efficient.

And you're like,
no, no, no, no.

But I high-five
straight up like normal.

That's how you can tell.
It's in the high-fives.

Just ask Elon.

[cheers and applause]

But it's like,
it's getting worse.

Like, every day
I read something.

Like, I feel
like I'm on the wrong team.

Like, it's embarrassing.

Like, in Japan, some men
have started marrying pillows

because they can't cope
with women.

What the fuck is going on?

And, look, I am very aware

that me even talking
about this onstage

is, in itself, problematic

because, spoiler alert,
I am a man.

Some of you might be thinking,
what is he up to?

What is this sick fuck's angle?

Like, is this like Darth Vader
coming out here and going,

[deep voice]
Stormtroopers are bad.

All back to the Death Star.
You're safe with me.

[normal voice] That impression
is not getting better.

I've been working on that
for six months.

I would argue it's getting
worse and worse.

But all this men stuff
is stressing me out.

It's truly stressing me out.

And the more I speak
to people about it,

the more I hear
and the more I read,

I'm like, I don't think there's
a solution to this,

other than I think--I think

you're gonna have to kill
all the men.

And it doesn't have
to be nasty.

It does not have to be ugly.

You just get a load of porn
and sex robots and pillows,

chuck them in the ocean,
and the men will just file in,

one after the other.

And, look, I am saying this
publicly because I do hope

that when you enact this cull,

you will keep me around
as a mascot.

And I'll be very good.
I will cook, and I will clean.

And you won't hear
a word out of me.

And if at some point in your
new society of only women

you do decide you want
to procreate,

obviously,
I'm not gonna get sex--

wouldn't want it,
wouldn't ask for it.

But if you do want to
procreate, just give me a nod,

and I'll leave a little pot
of cum in a safe space.

Interesting discovery being
English in your country--

I can say "little pot of cum,"

and you think it's charming.

"Little pot of cum"
in an English accent

sounds like a kids' book.

"The Little Pot of Cum
Who Could."

That bit doesn't work
with an American accent.

Like...

[American accent] I leave her
a little pot of cum.

[normal voice]
You're like, oh, God!

Please don't do that, sir.

Please, no, keep your cum
to yourself, young man.

I've never seen
"Downton Abbey,"

but I know it's huge over here.

I just assume
every episode is like,

Your Lordship,
little pot of cum?

What shall we take
for Thanksgiving?

Little pot of cum?

Ah, the christening soon--
Never mind.

But I think toxic masculinity
is real.

I think it's a real thing.

I think it comes, certainly,
from men of my generation

and above.

It's because we were raised
not to be open,

not to be vulnerable, that
that's bad, that that's weak.

So one of the only things
we can do to combat that is,

I think we all need to learn
how to share more.

But you ever shared
something with a friend,

and then they've
shared something back,

and then you thought, my God,
I wish we'd never shared?

Because I have
a, um, ex-friend.

I have an ex-friend because
of our little sharing session.

There's a guy I've known
all my life.

I went to school with him,
so we grew up together.

He's like family.
I'd defend him to the death.

If we met now, we probably
wouldn't be friends,

but I grew up with him,
so he's like family.

I'd defend him to the death.

He's the sort of guy you say
has a heart of gold,

which is a phrase
you never use for people

who have a heart of gold.

"Heart of gold" is a phrase
like, "can I be honest?"

"Can I be honest?"
never ends nice.

"Can I be honest?"
never ends in "I love you."

"Can I be honest?" Always ends
with something like,

"The sound of you eating
makes me want to kill myself."

Anyway, friend from school,

known him all my life,
heart of gold.

And just a few years ago,
I have this kind of revelation.

I'm like, we know nothing
about each other.

We actually know nothing.
We've grown up together.

We never talk about anything.

And I said,
should we try something?

I said, let's go out.

We'll have a few drinks,
and let's try and sort of talk

about how we feel and shit.

And he said, are you having
a nervous breakdown?

And I said, we'll see.

And we went out.

We had a few drinks,
and I went first.

I said something out loud
I'd never said before.

I was talking about
my girlfriend at the time,

and I said, I think I love her.

I feel like I love her.

But when I'm out,
I am attracted to other people

all the time.

I don't know if that's natural,
that's human nature,

or if that means
I don't actually love her.

And he said, yeah.

He said, yeah.

I know what you mean, actually.

He said, sometimes...

when it gets
a bit much with my wife,

in my lunch break,
I'll go downtown,

I'll go down an alley, and
I'll get sucked off by a whore.

[cheers and applause]

And I was like, yeah.

Similar, similar...

similar stor--

I can see how my story
led to your story.

Yeah, similar.

And I thought, I actually
don't know what to say now.

He's properly stumped me.

Like, I probably
shouldn't shame him.

It's all that shame
sending him down alleys.

But at the same time,
I have heard, as men,

we are supposed to call
each other out.

So I said to him, look...

mate...

we don't say "whore."

So, look...
[clears throat]

I worry...

I worry...

that my fear
of embarrassment...

is far greater than my instinct

to save a life.

Where I live, there's this dog
that lives in my road.

And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. Good dog.

It doesn't live in the road.
Like, it is housed.

Like, it has a roommate.
It lives with this woman.

But sometimes the dog
will be in the road.

And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog.

It's a good dog.

So whenever I see the dog,
I will stop, and I will--

What word do you say?
- Pet.

- Pet.
You say, pet, right, yeah?

Here is my question
for you all.

Did you all just run out
of verbs?

Like, it is a pet.

You're not dogging your dog,
you know what I mean?

It makes it sound so creepy.

Like, do you want to go out
to the farm and pig the pigs?

No, thank you, Americans.
Thank you.

So gross.

So, anyway, I like this dog,
so whenever I see the dog,

I will stop,
and I will stroke it.

That sounds worse.

That's wor--
Oh, no, look, whenever--

I'll stop, and I will touch it.

No.

I will scruffle it up.

Like, I will get my hands
on that dog.

No, you don't--
Like, I'm not--

Don't--don't look
at me like that.

I don't want the takeaway
of this show being,

he can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.

There's nothing going
on between me and--

It's platonic
between me and the dog,

to be clear, all right?

At least for myself.
I can't speak for the dog.

I'm not putting
words in the dog's--

I'm not putting anything
in the dog's mouth, okay?

Can't a man
and a dog be friends

without the sex part
getting in the way?

I believe so, yes.
All right?

So, whenever I see this dog,
I will stop,

and I will wave, all right?

I just wave from afar.

And one day,
I'm out in the street,

and I see the dog
with the woman,

and I stop and have a chat
with the woman, not the dog.

And the woman says,
I've got to run an errand.

Are you around for a bit?

Do you want to take
the dog for a walk?

And I said, I'd love to.

And it was the first time
I'd been alone with the dog,

which I am absolutely allowed
to be.

I have a certificate.

And I have the dog on a lead,

and I walk the dog to the park.

And I go right into the middle
of the park,

and then I took the lead off.

And the dog immediately bolted

straight towards the main road.
[crowd ohs]

And there was, like,
loads of people around.

And I thought like, oh, like--

I don't want to make a scene.

Like, one of my biggest fears

is becoming a GIF
that gets passed around,

like, fucking hell!

You know what I mean?

So I thought--I thought...

I thought,
I'm just gonna let it die.

I thought I'd just have to say
to her, oh, the car came

out of nowhere, but it didn't.

It's a very straight road.

I saw it about a quarter
of a mile away.

Oh, I didn't hear it coming.

It wasn't electric.
It was a gas-guzzling machine.

And it really made me think,

I actually
must not have children...

because if I ever had, like,
a dickhead kid,

if I ever had,
like, a real dickhead kid

and I was out
with my dickhead kid

and my dickhead kid
was causing chaos somewhere

and someone was like,
whose is this?

I'd be like...
[mumbles]

I don't know.
He seems awful.

And you'd know it was mine.

It would be so hairy.

It's a little werewolf kid

running around
like Eddie Munster.

Are you sure you
don't know him?

Never seen him in my life.

Why is he calling you "Daddy"?
Get off me, Brett Junior!

Now, look, New Jersey...

I heard your noises,

so I realized I'm going to have
to say this.

Otherwise, you're not
going to be able to enjoy

the rest of the show.

The dog survived,
all right?

All right?
Yes.

[cheers and applause]

You think you're so tough, but
then you can't handle a story

where a dog might have died.

The dog
is absolutely fine, okay?

What really happened is,
the dog ran this way,

and the dog ran that way,
and we had a lovely walk.

And then I took the dog home,
and we made love, okay?

It was a happy ending
for both of us.

Why do you think
my child is so hairy?

Unnecessary.
Unnecessary add-on.

I'm so sorry.

We were having such
a classy evening.

What's that?

My biceps?

Oh, yeah.
No, I--no, I've been--

yeah, I've been
working out, but--

well, I have to
because I've got to hold this.

Yeah.

Well, we can talk
about it if you want.

All right.
Yeah, I go to the gym.

I go to the gym.
Sorry about it.

Yeah, I go to the gym.
I'll talk about it, fine.

I go to the gym.
I go to the gym regularly.

I go to the gym for
spiritual reasons, actually.

I go because I would like
to look good naked.

But, truthfully,
the gym that I go to--

I don't actually like this gym.
I sort of hate it.

I only go to it because
it's the nearest one.

But it's a real sort
of testosterone-y gym,

if that's not a pizza.

It's like a real sort of
testosterone-y and cheese

deep-dish gym,
you know what I mean?

Like, it's always sort of men
just fucking standing around,

fucking moody,
staring at each other.

And all I ever want to use
is the weights machine,

and there'll always be
someone on it for hours.

And, eventually, I'll be like,
can I jump in on that?

And they'll be like, fuck off.

And I'll be like,
yeah, cool, cool, cool.

I'll just keep doing
body-weight squats.

But something happened
the other day at the gym.

This is completely true.

And this just shows
you the power of music.

Now, I don't know
if this was an accident,

someone did this deliberately,

or the playlist was
just on random shuffle,

but the song that was playing
in the gym was this...

- ♪ When I bang on 'em,
bang on 'em, that's when I-- ♪

- Everyone fucking menacing,
staring each other out,

lifting weights,
looking fucking moody.

And then the next song
came on, and it was this.

[The Beatles' "Yesterday"
playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yesterday... ♪

- And everything changed.

I don't know
if you've ever seen a man

lift weights wistfully.

It's a thing.

Man doing push-ups
started weeping.

Man on the treadmill
stopped doing hill sprints

and started looking within.

And then the man by the weights
machine came over to me,

and he went, sorry,
I've been so aggressive, bro.

I think it's because my mum
didn't give me

enough attention as a child.

I said, I get that.

He said, do you want
to use the weights?

I said, let's use
them together.

[cheers and applause]

Lovely.

True story.
True story, word for word.

I guess the real weights

were the friends
we made along the way.

I did, actually,
end up making friends

with one of these guys.

You know, there's a thing with
men who work out at the gym.

There's a bit I must miss
when people work out too much,

where it sort of goes big,
bigger, pyramid.

You know what I mean?

Like, sort of, big,
bigger, human Toblerone.

And...

I made friends with one
of these Toblerone guys, right?

And we used to chat a bit
after a workout,

and then he disappeared
for a few months.

Didn't see him.

Then he came back, and I was
like, where have you been?

And it turned out,
he had taken himself to China

to train to become,
like, a Shaolin warrior

or something.

And he came back.
I said, how was it?

He said, yeah, it was
fucking amazing, actually.

They used to wake us
at 3:00 in the morning

and beat us with sacks.

I said, that sounds incredible.

And he said,
I can kick really high now.

And I was like...
[chuckles] Cool.

I said, how high can you kick?

And he said, I could kick you
in the fucking head.

Interesting unit
of measurement.

But he told me something
that I completely believed.

He told me that because
he'd done this training,

now, if he was ever
in a bar or anywhere

and someone were to start
a fight with him,

that now, legally,

he had to say three times

that he was a lethal weapon...

before he could engage
in combat.

Nothing would escalate
a fight quicker...

Than someone saying,
I'm a lethal weapon.

What's that?
Did you hear me?

Oh, yeah, we all heard you.

Well, listen again.
I'm a lethal weapon.

Should we go outside?

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm a lethal weapon.

What are you--
Douchebag Beetlejuice?

But I actually believed him.
It kind of made sense to me.

It's only recently it occurred
to me that if that is true,

that means if one day
he kills someone,

then in a court of law,
the judge can just be like,

excuse me, sir, can I check?

Did you say you were
a lethal weapon three times?

I did, yeah.

Ah, case dismissed.
Not guilty.

She was asleep when I said it,
but I did say it.

[scattered laughter]

She's not real.

The dog survived.

When will you trust me?

So, of all the issues
we have in the world--

and we do have so many--

if I may be sincere
for a moment,

I think that we have
one major issue

that all our other issues
stem from,

and that issue
is wealth inequality.

I think the gap between rich
and poor is insane.

It seems to be getting worse,

and I think all of our problems
come from that.

And I think the only way

we can truly start to deal
with that is,

I believe
we need to tax the rich.

And...

[cheers and applause]

It's something
I'm very passionate about.

I've been on lots of marches
with my friends about it.

And, um--and, um...

and, uh...

And then a couple
of years ago...

I got a job, and it was
the first time in my life

I'd been sort of
fairly well paid.

And I found myself on one of
these marches with my friends.

And I was like, tax the rich!
Tax the rich! Tax--

Maybe deal with them on an
individual, case-by-case basis.

Like, let's hear them out.

Some of them
probably got good hearts,

hearts of gold, if you will.

But I'll tell you
the truth, right?

So I was involved
in "Ted Lasso," right?

And--

[cheers and applause]
Thank you very much.

And I will be
forever grateful for it.

It truly changed my life.

I had been working for years
and years before that.

Turns out, it makes quite
a big difference

when people
actually watch the thing.

Previous to "Ted Lasso,"

I'd just sort of been
making stuff

and kind of kicking it
down a well.

Like, see you later, my 20s.
Absolute waste of time.

So I did "Ted Lasso,"
and it changed my life,

and I feel very privileged.

And people often come up to me,

and they say,
like, what's next?

What have you got
going on next?

And since you've been
very generous to me, actually,

I will share with you
an exclusive.

But you can't tell anyone

because the special
won't come out for a while.

Like, I've been in LA.
I've been pitching a show.

I'm really excited,
but you can't--

I haven't sold it yet,
not quite.

Anyway, I'll tell you.

So the next show
that I want to make...

is a show called
"MDMA Fighting."

And what it is...

you take two highly skilled
MMA fighters,

you dose them up with MDMA
30 minutes before a match,

then half hour later, you stick
them in a cage together,

and you go, go.

And they walk
towards each other like...

You are so big.

Your skin is so tight.

And the referee's like,
come on!

And he pushes them together,

but they just start nuzzling
each other's necks

and squeezing
each other's head.

And he's like, break it up!

And they're like,
leave us alone!

And they're just cuddling
and cuddling and cuddling.

They won't let go
of each other.

And they're cuddling
and cuddling, cuddling.

And they end up
down on the ground.

They're cuddling.

And then they lie there
arm in arm,

and then they look up,
and one of them goes...

[gasps]
It's a cage.

And the other one goes,
when you think about it,

is it all a cage?

[The Beatles' "Yesterday"
playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yesterday ♪

Thank you.
[music stops]

Thank you very much, yeah.

The pitches are going well,
you know.

Mark Cuban is a yes,
so we'll see.

Just a warning--
this next thing I'm gonna say

is the most controversial thing
I'm gonna say tonight,

so just strap in.

Like, we'll get
through this bit,

and then it's easy
from here on out, all right?

Well, look,
I'm gonna say this...

[sighs] Because I do actually
think it's important

to speak your truth,

and I don't want to pretend
I'm something I'm not anymore.

So I'm just gonna say it,
then it's been said, okay?

I love musicals.

All right?

[cheers and applause]

I love musicals.

I'm not gonna pretend
I don't anymore.

I do actually love musicals.

I love musicals, but...

I hate plays.

Plays are boring,
and you all know it.

Once you've enjoyed a musical,

it's very difficult
to get back to a play.

Once you've experienced
the majesty

of "Defying Gravity,"

very difficult to get anything
out of, "To be or not to be."

You're talking.
Plays are boring.

Plays are boring.

And anyone
who tells you otherwise

is lying to you and themselves.

Chekhov can fuck off.

And Shakespeare...

why are we still talking
about this cunt?

I went to see
"Romeo and Juliet."

It is an exact rip-off
of "West Side Story."

You think I'm not gonna notice

'cause you took
the clicking out, William?

Come on!

And if Shakespeare
is such a genius writer,

let's talk about the plotting
of "Romeo and Juliet."

First two acts, fine.
Star-crossed lovers, fine.

Then what happens is, Juliet
says, I want to marry Romeo.

Her dad says no,
and he locks her in a bedroom

with a priest and a nurse.

Okay.

She says, what will I do?

The priest says,
I've got an idea.

Never a good sign
when a priest says to a child,

I have an idea.

He says, I've got this poison.

I haven't really tried it, but
I'm pretty sure if you take it,

you'll be dead for 48 hours.

They'll have a funeral.
They'll mourn you.

They'll leave you in a crypt.

And then in two days,
Romeo can come along.

You'll wake up,
and you two can run off.

If Shakespeare
is such a good writer,

the next line
should be Juliet saying,

um, does anyone have
any other ideas?

That sounds fucking mental.

No, Juliet, it's always
the most obvious thing.

It's got to be
the 48-hour poison thing.

Can we not just sneak
out the back?

No, sorry. It's got to be
the old 48-hour poison.

What, you're saying
they'll have a funeral?

Yeah.

What if they cremate me?
You're overthinking it, Juliet.

I went to see "Hamlet"
or "Macbeth"--

couldn't tell you which.

I went to see
"Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--

couldn't tell you which.

They're both gibberish, right?

This is how low people's bar
was for entertainment.

In the middle of "Hamlet"
or "Macbeth,"

doesn't matter which--

in the middle
of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth,"

one of the characters
says this--

"Well, yes...

as the hare, the lion."

And people laughed.

I was fucking fuming.

I was stalking the aisles,

like, are you
fucking kidding me?

This is seriously doing it
for you?

I said, take yourself
to an open-mic comedy night,

listen to someone ask
where the Peruvians are at,

and it'll blow the brains
out of your head.

And, look, I am well aware
that one day I will do a play,

and this clip
will be used against me.

But let me be very clear.

I never said it isn't fun
to do a play.

It's really fun to do a play.
It's just boring to watch them.

Please come see my play.

[cheers and applause]

I hate plays,
but I love musicals,

'cause a musical is like
a play where stuff happens.

But as much as I love
a musical,

and I do love a musical,

I could never be in a musical.

And it's not because
I can't sing or dance.

I can't.

It's more because...

as much as I love a musical,

I could never do the face...

that every actor has to do

at the start of every musical

without wanting
to, you know, self-harm.

Since we're filming this,
I will try it for you, right?

I'm gonna try the face.

Now, you've all seen
a musical, right?

Some are silly.
Some are difficult.

Some are deep.
Some are frivolous.

All musicals begin
with an actor coming onstage,

doing this face.

[cheers and applause]

New York City, I made it!

Fuck it, I'll be sick
in my own mouth.

All right, we are now
at the relationship section

of the show.

Do we have any marrieds in?
[applause]

So many marrieds.

Are you a married?
How long have you been married?

- Almost 30 fucking years?
Respect.

That sounds like a record.
Can anyone beat that?

40-fucking-7 over here.

This is now
a very weird auction.

No one wins anything, but...

but you do win our respect.

47--listen, I am not going
to make fun of the marrieds.

I got nothing but respect
for the marrieds.

I've never been married.

I never made a vow
in front of God or the law.

But you did,
and I'm sure you meant it...

At the time.

I've never been married.

And the truth is,
I never wanted to be married.

And it's only recently
it occurs to me why.

And I think it's actually
'cause of comedy.

I think comedy
ruined marriage for me,

'cause I grew up obsessed
with stand-up and sitcoms,

which means my whole life,

I saw one stereotype
of what marriage is.

I thought what marriage is,

is where a man lives
in a house with a woman

who never, ever, ever wants
to have sex with him again.

You know what I mean?

Like, all sitcoms,
they're always like,

Debra, why ain't we fucking?
You know what I mean? Like...

Thursdays on NBC...

Frigid Frida is back.
You know what I mean?

And I always thought,
I mean, I like sex.

That sounds awful.
Why would you do that?

But, recently,
I've been speaking

to lots of straight couples
in long-term relationships,

and I've been asking them
about their sex lives

because I am a pervert...

and I don't understand
the basics of small talk.

And what I have discovered
in the overwhelming majority

is that this stereotype
is the wrong way around.

Most of the men I speak to are
like, yeah, we have enough sex.

Most of the women think
they're not having enough sex.

And the reason it's gone
so deathly quiet...

Is because that is true.

[person cheers]

Holy fuck, that was tense.

So, if that is the case,

and oh, boy,
it definitely is...

Then why is it the case now?

Luckily, I have a theory.

Otherwise, this bit
would go nowhere.

I think it's because sex
is weird, right?

Sex is weird,
particularly how I do it.

Like...

Guys, the dog survived.
No, look--

Sex is weird.

Sex is weird,
particularly starting sex.

I find the beginning of sex
so stressful.

I feel the same way about sex
as I do about taking ecstasy.

Like, in the build-up,
I'm always nervous--

oh, God, I hope
it's all gonna be all right.

Once I'm doing it, I'm like,
why aren't I always doing this?

And it's because these
are two very different states

of being, right?

One is like being a human.
One is like being an animal.

It's quite a big hump
you have to get over

to get from one state
to the other.

And everyone has to do it.

Like, even, like, someone doing
a TED Talk, right?

Someone doing a TED Talk.

So they're like, oh, yes,
the universe or whatever.

That same person,
just a couple of hours later,

can be like this...

[grunting]

That's not how I do it,
just to be--

I'm trying to make a point.

This isn't exactly--

You know,
it's just an exaggeration.

Everyone has to do it.
Smart people--

Albert Einstein one day
was like, E equals MC-squared.

And then later, he was like...
[grunting]

Such a big hump to get
from one state to the other.

That's why I think
being sexually rejected

is the most humiliating thing,

'cause it's like,
you're on a date with someone,

and you misread the cues,
and you're like,

oh, time to become the animal.

So you put on paws
and a monkey mask,

and you try to get
over the hump.

And she's like, what do
you think you're doing?

And you're like, absolutely
nothing, nothing at all,

nothing at all.

I was enjoying all
the conversing--more, please.

It was like watching a play.
I loved it.

And that's why I think

in the beginning
of a relationship,

it's easy for a man
to initiate sex,

because she doesn't know you.

So you can tell yourself,
I'm a big, strong animal.

I'm a big, strong monkey
animal man.

And you can get over that hump
and initiate sex.

But once you've been
with someone

for, like...

three weeks...

every time you're gearing up
to get over that hump,

part of you is going, I'm
a big, strong monkey animal.

I'm a big, strong animal,

but she did see me cry

through the finale of
"The Great British Bake Off."

Those beautiful fucking scones.

So I've never been
married, right?

But I think I've done--

I've tried most of the kind
of relationships you can do.

I've done short-term,
medium-term,

long-term, lease.

The furthest I ever got is,

last year, I lived
with someone.

And living with someone
was a real game changer,

because previous to that,

I thought
what having a girlfriend was--

I thought that's
where you meet up with someone

three or four times a week,
and when you meet up with them,

you show them
the 4% of yourself

that is acceptable
for public consumption.

And when you feel the 96%
bubbling up, you say,

I've had a lovely time.
Let's catch up soon.

You rush home, you close
the door, and you regenerate.

She was in my house.

Day 2, the 96% was everywhere.

She thought
I was a fucking weirdo

'cause I cook everything
in a wok.

But, like, if it's good enough
for stir fry,

it's good enough for oatmeal.

And I have a system
for getting dressed

that used to drive her insane.

I'm gonna share this system
with you,

and it will change your lives.

This is how
I get dressed, right?

The end of the day, when
I'm finished with my clothes,

I take them off,
and I put them in the washer.

When the washing is full,
I turn it on.

I then move everything to
the dryer, and I turn that on.

And then when that's done,

I then get dressed
out of the dryer,

and the cycle continues.

What I am not doing
is wasting my life

on this middleman
we call drawers.

I'm not taking all the clothes.

Quick, we must hide
our other clothes.

People are coming to the house.

If they see we have
other clothes, they'll kill us.

They must never know
that we have more clothes

than what we're wearing.

Quick! Hide them properly.
Take them fully upstairs.

You must hide them
and fold them.

Put them in boxes.

They must never see
we have other clothes.

Oh, my God
do you know what I need?

Some of those other clothes.

I better go back up the stairs
and open the boxes

and unfold the thing.

The years and years
that I have saved.

Do you want to know
how I won two Emmys?

Because I had fucking time.

[cheers and applause]

So I'm single now.

No, I'm single by choice--

her choice.

No, it was actually mutual.

We came to the mutual agreement
that I was a prick

and she should marry
her ex, but...

[audience aws]
No, it's fine. She's dead.

That, you're delighted by?

This is a strange group
of people.

69!

69!

[scattered cheering]

69!

[loud cheering]

[laughing]
69.

It's another 45 minutes
of this.

69, the sex move.

69, the position.

Not for me. I hate it,
in case you're wondering.

Literally, no one asked.
I'm telling you anyway.

I hate a 69.
I hate a 69.

And I'll tell you for why.

I can't rub my belly and pat
my head at the same time.

[applause]

It's sex.

It's not
Cirque du fucking Soleil.

Like, yes,
it's important to share,

but you can take turns.

A 69 always ends in an 11...

Just two people lying
next to each other,

feeling smelly and ashamed.

I much prefer a 16...

which is bum sex
with a pregnant lady.

I don't know if that's
making the edit.

[chuckles]
Fucking hell.

All right, we should probably
start wrapping up fairly soon.

So, look, the last thing
I want to tell you about--

I talked about love
and relationships.

One thing I haven't told you

is I once truly,
genuinely experienced

love at first sight.

I went to this party.
This woman turned around.

Our eyes locked, and I was
like, shit, fuck, I'm in love.

Like, that's a real thing--
love at first sight, right?

[scoffs]

If you're in a couple
not nodding at that,

that is a long drive home.

Did you hear what he said?

Yeah, I heard.

He can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.

Honestly, I met this woman.
Our eyes locked.

It's embarrassing
what happened in my head.

When I saw this woman,
the first thought I had was,

oh, nothing matters.

We can just live in fields
and eat berries.

And me and this woman
got together.

And now, this woman, she's
half Irish and half Chinese,

which means
she's incredibly beautiful

and I am never allowed
to do an impression of her.

Where are all my "Chirish" at?

Anyway...

So we got together,
and we were in love.

I think this is love.
Is this love?

Is love when you text each
other back and forth all day--

text, text, text, text,
text, text, text, text, text,

text, text, text, text, text--

and then if, at some point,
she doesn't immediately reply

to one of your texts,

you're like, right,
she's having an affair?

Right, she's not texted back.
She has a dick in her. Okay.

And it's a bigger
dick than mine.

She's finally satisfied.
Okay.

Oh, another dick must have
joined, so her hands are full.

She can't send a text.
Okay.

Oh, another dick
must have joined,

and now it's in her mouth.

Otherwise, she'd tell Siri
to drop me a line.

I knew this would happen.
I'm a fucking idiot.

And then 25 minutes later,
she texts back, sorry, baby.

I was at the gym.
Miss you.

And you're like,
all right, a bit needy.

Is that love?

And there's a real madness
to this kind of love.

Like, I look back at the texts
we were sending each other.

I'm like, are these love notes
or death threats?

Like, the insane things
you say to each other,

like, I can't wait
to be back with you.

I can't wait to be kissing you.

I can't wait to
be on top of you.

I can't wait to cut off your
skin and wear you as a Slanket.

And you sort of lose
all reason.

You kind of lie
in bed together.

Like, we actually don't have
to go to work today, do we?

We don't have to go to work.
We're in love.

As if your boss is
in the office going,

where's Brett today?

Oh, he can't come in, sir.
He's in love.

[gasps] We must give him
paid time off.

And you become
really sort of dirty.

You just sort of lie there,
like, don't leave the bed.

Don't go have a shower.

We can just lie here passing
back and forth the same UTI.

Cranberry juice, my angel?

Now, it may not shock you
to discover

that that relationship ended.

And when it ended,
I spoke to my sister.

Now, my sister
is the opposite of me.

My sister, she's married.
She's got children.

She's happy.

And I said to her--I said,
was I wrong about this?

And she said,
Brett, you're wrong

about literally everything.

And I said, no,
was I wrong about love?

And she said, yeah, of course
you were wrong about love.

She said, love is--

she said, when you find
your soulmate,

you will feel completely
at peace.

And I was like, oh.

Then that definitely
wasn't love.

That was a fucking nightmare.
I don't think I slept.

And I've thought about it a lot

because I suspect
that she's probably right.

But if my sister's right,

that means that all
your favorite love songs,

none of them
are actually about love.

These are all just songs
about addiction.

They're all just
Cookie Monster songs.

You know what I mean?

You know the types of songs,
where it's like,

our love is a roller coaster.

The house is on fire.
Let's cut our dicks off.

You know what I mean?

Because if my sister is right,

then all love songs
should go like this.

♪ I feel so comfortable ♪

♪ Sitting on a couch with you ♪

♪ Watching a box set
for an hour ♪

♪ Maybe watch
another one, too ♪

♪ If you have to work late
at the office ♪

♪ I won't criticize ♪

♪ 'Cause I trust you,
and I know you love me ♪

♪ And for you, my penis
is the right size ♪

♪ For you,
my penis is the right size ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you very much,
New Jersey!

Good night!

[cheers and applause]

- Brett, great show.

- Thanks, Mo.

Hey, do you know
if the red squirrel came?

- [sighs]
No.

The Red Squirrel didn't come.

- What about Big Bear?
- No.

- Crazy Orange Bird?
- Mm-mm.

- Hot Dogs?

- No, Brett.

- Okay.

Well, at least Buddy G
was there.

- Brett, we've been over this.

These friends of yours--
they're not real.

- Okay.

- I'll see you at the diner.

- Yeah.

Cool.

- Great show, Brett!
You were fantastic.

- You were just wonderful.
- Wow.

- Okay, good!
- So many bad words!

Loved it!

- Yeah, we're going
to the diner to celebrate.

Come on.

- You're very bad
at impressions.

- Oi! Don't be rude.
Clear off. Be nice.

We'll meet you at the diner.

- Yeah, you try
following your dreams.

- Hey.
You did good.

- Thanks, Buddy G.

I didn't think you'd come.

- Are you kidding me?

I wouldn't miss this
for the world.

Come on, let's go get
something to eat.

Come on.
- Okay.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Come on, Buddy.

♪ ♪

[bright tone]