Original subtitles

[TV static drones]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[bright tone]

- I always admired American stand-up specials,

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

the way the comic always seemed so cool,

smoking a cigarette even if they don't smoke,

pulling up outside a packed venue

with not a care in the world.

[muffled cheering] Hey, I get it.

Life moves fast, so you got to walk slow.

But it's my time now, time for me to do my first special.

It's time for me to shine.

Hey, sweetheart. How's your mother?

Time for me to show everyone what the fuck I've got.

[retching]

- Brett, let's go. Showtime. Come on. Ugh.

- I don't know why I said I'd do this.

I don't want to do this.

There's too many people out there.

I don't want to do a special. It's insane to do a special--

- Pull yourself together!

[dramatic music]

[elevator bell dings]

[bell dinging]

- [clears throat] Like I was saying,

time to show them what I'm made of...

- Oi!

Have a great show, Brett. - Cheers, Buddy G.

- Just have fun!

- In the greatest place on Earth, New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

[Curtis Mayfield's "Move on Up" playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Hush now, child ♪

♪ And don't you cry ♪

♪ Your folks might understand you ♪

[song fades]

- New Jersey, how are you?

[cheers and applause]

All right, then. Let's start with my name.

My name is Brett Goldstein.

That is my real name.

And where I come from in London, England,

that's quite an exotic name.

No one knows a Brett Goldstein.

I've come to the East Coast.

Do you know who knows a Brett Goldstein?

Everyone.

Everyone knows a Brett Goldstein.

And not just that,

but, apparently, Brett Goldstein is the name

of the guy who first fingered you

at summer camp.

So...

just here to continue a great and important tradition.

Thank you for having me.

I first came out to America a few years ago, right?

And I first came out here to do stand-up.

But I didn't know

if I would fit in with the American comedy scene.

So I was in LA.

I took myself to the Comedy Store

just to watch a show.

I wanted to see what it was like.

And all the acts that I saw, they were all brilliant,

but the level of confidence

was odd.

Like, everyone comes out onstage like,

what's up, bitches?

And then they all do this weird sort of racial profiling.

They go, what's up, bitches? Where my Peruvians at?

And, like, I'm English, right?

So I do stand-up like I do sex.

My true instinct is to come out on stage and go, sorry.

Thank you so much for letting me do this.

I promise it won't take long.

I'll just put my head down. We'll plow through.

No, we don't have to make eye contact.

I'm as embarrassed as you are.

[gasps] You don't have to pay me.

I'm just so grateful you're letting me do it.

I will pay you.

That's too much, too far.

But now I've toured all over your country.

I've seen all the sights now.

I saw a man masturbating

outside a CVS

on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.

But I've also seen bad things.

I've been everywhere now. I've seen all the things.

I've been to the White House, as I'm sure we all have.

It was a couple of years ago.

You might not know this, but the people from "Ted Lasso"

were invited to the White House.

[cheers and applause] Yeah.

It was a different time, different White House cast.

You remember when there was that White House cast,

then there was a different cast,

and then the old cast got a new season?

Anyway, it was the middle cast, and it was a big deal.

We were invited.

But one thing I didn't know is that because of taxpayers--

well done--

they don't really give proper food or drink to guests

because it's a waste of taxpayer money,

which is very honorable.

I just wish they'd told us that in advance,

because I didn't eat or drink at all beforehand

because I assumed we were going to live like kings.

Which I do appreciate is the exact opposite reason

for that building existing.

We were there nine hours.

Hour eight, I was sat with the president,

going, are you sure?

Just a thimble of water?

Please, sir.

Let me Uber Eats.

What else did I want to tell you that's relatable?

You know...

Thank you.

You know when you're on "Sesame Street," right?

We've all done it. We've all done it.

So I did an episode of "Sesame Street,"

and I say this without irony.

This is not a joke.

I mean this with every bone in my body.

It was the best day of my life...

[cheers and applause]

Which is all well and good,

but I have had to continue living ever since.

And if I'm completely honest,

I do find myself most days at some point, going,

I mean, what's the fucking point anymore?

When I did "Sesame Street," people said to me,

oh, it doesn't get better than that.

I then went to the White House.

It doesn't get better than that.

Like, yes, I met the president, but he's not Big Bird.

And I truly worry

that if I ever have a kid

and one day my kid says to me,

was the day I was born...

the best day of your life?

I'll be like, no.

Obviously not.

Have you met fucking Elmo?

'Cause I have,

you arrogant piece of shit.

And if Joe Biden had had Flamin' Hot Cheetos,

you'd be number three.

Interesting thing about doing "Sesame Street"--

hell of a sentence.

Interesting thing-- when I did it,

I had in my head who would be my favorite,

but when I actually did it, they were not my favorite.

My favorite turned out to be Cookie Monster.

Wasn't expecting it.

Cookie Monster really took me by surprise.

I was like, fucking hell, you're funny.

And on the way home,

I was like, why did I love Cookie Monster so much?

And then I thought about it, and I was like,

oh, it's because Cookie Monster is an addict.

But we are meeting him at the point of addiction

where he's still fun.

Like, in a few months,

you don't want to be hanging out with Cookie.

Cookie is a fucking nightmare very soon.

But right now he's, like, peak Cookie, you know what I mean?

Like, I truly think they should do an intervention episode

of "Sesame Street" where, like, Big Bird goes back to his nest,

and the cash from underneath it is missing.

There's, like, a cookie-crumb trail.

And Cookie Monster goes into the kitchen

and turns on the light, and they're all lined up.

And Elmo is like, Elmo thinks you have a problem.

I should have said this at the top.

I love your country.

You have to say that. I love your country.

[cheers and applause] Yep. Okay.

I love your country. No notes.

No notes. Everything seems well.

No notes.

One note, just one note, but it's very, very small.

Everything else is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.

My only note, and it's a very small one,

and I'm sure this is cultural.

I don't understand your restroom situation.

Now, call me old-fashioned,

but I don't want to see you taking a shit.

I don't understand why your stall doors

cover the torso but nothing else.

So you can see dick and balls and poo and face,

but not the chest because that would be disgusting.

No, you're right.

And if that's not enough, don't panic,

because there is also always a giant vertical gap

all the way down

so you definitely get to see everything.

Every restroom I walk in,

I'm making eye contact with a man straining.

Oh.

You all right, mate? Looks like you need more fiber.

You okay?

And very occasionally, you get lucky,

and you get those restrooms where it's, like, a room,

and it has walls and a door.

But those toilets always have a lock that's just a button

that you press.

And you have no idea if that now means it's locked.

And the toilet is always so far away.

You're always like, is it safe?

Is it safe?

And the only way to check if it is locked is to unlock it.

So...

it's either permanently locked or permanently unlocked.

It's like trying to do Schrodinger's shit.

In England, when we need a number two,

we go inside a bank vault in a submarine

under the River Thames,

as Winston Churchill intended.

Two notes, just two notes.

Everything else is perfect.

I wouldn't change a thing, I swear.

It's a small note, and I'm sure this is cultural.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way,

but I find the way that Americans finish phone calls

to be aggressive and abrupt.

In England,

it takes about 25 minutes to finish a phone call.

We finish phone calls like this.

Thank you very much. Lovely talking to you again.

Lots of love to everyone. Yeah, good stuff.

Yeah, we'll speak tomorrow. Yeah, lots of love to everyone.

Well done on everything. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

No, good night to you, sir. Yes, okay. Lots of love.

Yeah, thank you very much. Yeah, it was a good chat.

Yeah, thank you very much. Thank you. Lots of love.

Okay, thank you, thank you. Okay, thank you. Goodbye.

In America, you get the information, you go, yep.

Every time I have a phone call with an American, it ends,

and I think I've done something terribly wrong.

I immediately text them-- are we okay?

And they'll always write back, all good, period, no kiss.

I'm like, fuck.

It's worse than I thought.

I'll text back-- are we breaking up?

They'll be like, I'm your accountant.

What are you talking about?

I'm like, well, why are you being such a cunt?

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Let's deal with what just happened.

I just very casually said the C-word.

Now, when I arrived at the airport,

I was told I might be deported if I did that,

because, apparently, Americans think that is a bad word.

May we be big and brave and talk about this?

[cheers and applause]

What the fuck is wrong with you cunts?

Cunt is my favorite part on a human being.

Why aren't you celebrating it?

[cheers and applause]

In England, we use that word for everything.

Like, yes, I can make it sound nasty,

like, who's this cunt?

But, like, if I see my best friend,

I'm like, cunt,

because I love him, you know what I mean?

And there's so much nuance to it.

You can use it in so many circumstances.

It's like snowflakes to Inuits.

It's like, imagine you've been on a night out with the girls,

and you come home and your husband's

finally emptied the dishwasher.

And he leaves you a note saying, you're welcome,

and you're like, you little cunt.

Or, like, when you finally meet your wife's friend Sven,

who she's been playing all that tennis with,

but she promised you he was gay.

But when you finally meet him, you're like, this cunt.

I hope it is now becoming clear

why I've actually been doing this tour.

I am trying to bring "cunt" to America.

[cheers and applause]

It's actually important work.

I did want to call this show "The Cunt Mission,"

but I was heavily advised against it by everyone I know.

It's a bit like the phrase "the state of it."

I don't know if you have that here.

My dad...

eh, he won't mind me saying this.

We're filming it. He'll be proud.

My dad is a massive pervert, and...

if you ever meet my dad and you're out with him,

he will just point out attractive women all night.

And he'll go, fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

Look at the state of it.

Nine months later, I was born.

Three notes, just three notes.

Everything else is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.

And it's a very small note, and I'm sure it's cultural.

As wonderful as it is here-- and it is truly wonderful--

I think, if we're honest,

sometimes it does feel a bit edgy.

Like, I don't always feel safe.

And...

I had this experience in New York.

I'm sure you'll be able to relate to this.

It was a few days ago, right? I was out with a friend.

It was about half 12:00 at night, and I said goodbye.

And I got the subway back to my hotel.

And the subway was really packed, really busy.

And the train I was on pulled into a station,

and everyone got off my carriage,

except for me and one other person.

And as the doors closed, I had the overwhelming urge

to turn to that person and go...

I'm gonna fucking kill you now.

[applause]

I mean, I didn't, but I felt it,

and it was powerful.

I thought, maybe I've been here too long.

This next bit, I don't actually have a segue for,

so I'll just take a pause.

[cheers and applause]

My mum is really hot.

I have a hot mum.

I have a hot, sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.

Tell us why you're in therapy, Brett.

I have a--

I have a hot, sexy, curvy, sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.

And, listen, do not be creeped out by me saying this.

These are not my words.

These are the words of every single person

who has ever met my mum.

What happens is, people meet my mum.

Then they come to me,

and they go, oh, my God, I just met your mom.

She's so hot.

And to this day,

I do not know what I am meant to say

in response.

Am I meant to go...

[laughing] Yeah!

Fucking right she is!

I've seen her naked, mate!

She might have stopped working, but those titties haven't.

High five, high five, high five!

I've been inside her. You know what I mean?

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, what a shame. I'm so sorry.

We were having such a classy evening.

What a shame.

It honestly happens to me so much

that when people say it to me whose mum is not hot,

I'm like, am I meant to go,

and your mother has a cracking personality?

You're a good crowd, New Jersey.

You're a good crowd, and you seem--

[cheers and applause]

I'm also vaguely distracted by a child?

In the front row?

Are you a child?

Are you a human child?

How old is this child?

You're 12. Okay.

Well, you're gonna learn so much, and...

And I'm happy to see you.

And when you talk to your therapist about this one day,

just remember I meant well.

[chuckles]

Thank you for being here.

[chuckles] But you do seem intelligent,

and you do seem like you can handle the serious stuff.

I mean, I guess that's why you come to comedy, isn't it?

We can talk about the serious stuff--fuck it.

So, look...

been an awful lot going on these last few years, right?

We've had the pandemic. We've had wars.

And worse than all of that, we've had men.

Men is bad.

Men is like, oh, boy.

Like, men is bad.

And I think I'm up to date on everything

with the Time's Up and the MeToo,

and the "not you as well."

And, look, here's the truth.

I don't mind sharing it with you.

You all seem like smart people.

I'll tell you the fucking truth.

I always knew that men were bad.

I did, because we have secret meetings on Tuesdays,

and we brag about it at the CVS.

But...

I did not know that they were this bad in this amount.

And the more I read and the more I hear,

the more I feel sort of embarrassed

when I introduce myself to people.

Like, I sort of want to go, well, obviously, I'm a man,

but I'm not-- [laughs] I'm not a man.

And I realized it must be what it's like

to be German...

[cheers and applause]

For the last 75 to 80 years, because everyone you meet,

you're going, well, see, I'm German, but I'm not--

[laughs] I'm not a Nazi.

And everyone's going, are you sure?

Because you have got blonde hair, blue eyes,

and you are incredibly efficient.

And you're like, no, no, no, no.

But I high-five straight up like normal.

That's how you can tell. It's in the high-fives.

Just ask Elon.

[cheers and applause]

But it's like, it's getting worse.

Like, every day I read something.

Like, I feel like I'm on the wrong team.

Like, it's embarrassing.

Like, in Japan, some men have started marrying pillows

because they can't cope with women.

What the fuck is going on?

And, look, I am very aware

that me even talking about this onstage

is, in itself, problematic

because, spoiler alert, I am a man.

Some of you might be thinking, what is he up to?

What is this sick fuck's angle?

Like, is this like Darth Vader coming out here and going,

[deep voice] Stormtroopers are bad.

All back to the Death Star. You're safe with me.

[normal voice] That impression is not getting better.

I've been working on that for six months.

I would argue it's getting worse and worse.

But all this men stuff is stressing me out.

It's truly stressing me out.

And the more I speak to people about it,

the more I hear and the more I read,

I'm like, I don't think there's a solution to this,

other than I think--I think

you're gonna have to kill all the men.

And it doesn't have to be nasty.

It does not have to be ugly.

You just get a load of porn and sex robots and pillows,

chuck them in the ocean, and the men will just file in,

one after the other.

And, look, I am saying this publicly because I do hope

that when you enact this cull,

you will keep me around as a mascot.

And I'll be very good. I will cook, and I will clean.

And you won't hear a word out of me.

And if at some point in your new society of only women

you do decide you want to procreate,

obviously, I'm not gonna get sex--

wouldn't want it, wouldn't ask for it.

But if you do want to procreate, just give me a nod,

and I'll leave a little pot of cum in a safe space.

Interesting discovery being English in your country--

I can say "little pot of cum,"

and you think it's charming.

"Little pot of cum" in an English accent

sounds like a kids' book.

"The Little Pot of Cum Who Could."

That bit doesn't work with an American accent.

Like...

[American accent] I leave her a little pot of cum.

[normal voice] You're like, oh, God!

Please don't do that, sir.

Please, no, keep your cum to yourself, young man.

I've never seen "Downton Abbey,"

but I know it's huge over here.

I just assume every episode is like,

Your Lordship, little pot of cum?

What shall we take for Thanksgiving?

Little pot of cum?

Ah, the christening soon-- Never mind.

But I think toxic masculinity is real.

I think it's a real thing.

I think it comes, certainly, from men of my generation

and above.

It's because we were raised not to be open,

not to be vulnerable, that that's bad, that that's weak.

So one of the only things we can do to combat that is,

I think we all need to learn how to share more.

But you ever shared something with a friend,

and then they've shared something back,

and then you thought, my God, I wish we'd never shared?

Because I have a, um, ex-friend.

I have an ex-friend because of our little sharing session.

There's a guy I've known all my life.

I went to school with him, so we grew up together.

He's like family. I'd defend him to the death.

If we met now, we probably wouldn't be friends,

but I grew up with him, so he's like family.

I'd defend him to the death.

He's the sort of guy you say has a heart of gold,

which is a phrase you never use for people

who have a heart of gold.

"Heart of gold" is a phrase like, "can I be honest?"

"Can I be honest?" never ends nice.

"Can I be honest?" never ends in "I love you."

"Can I be honest?" Always ends with something like,

"The sound of you eating makes me want to kill myself."

Anyway, friend from school,

known him all my life, heart of gold.

And just a few years ago, I have this kind of revelation.

I'm like, we know nothing about each other.

We actually know nothing. We've grown up together.

We never talk about anything.

And I said, should we try something?

I said, let's go out.

We'll have a few drinks, and let's try and sort of talk

about how we feel and shit.

And he said, are you having a nervous breakdown?

And I said, we'll see.

And we went out.

We had a few drinks, and I went first.

I said something out loud I'd never said before.

I was talking about my girlfriend at the time,

and I said, I think I love her.

I feel like I love her.

But when I'm out, I am attracted to other people

all the time.

I don't know if that's natural, that's human nature,

or if that means I don't actually love her.

And he said, yeah.

He said, yeah.

I know what you mean, actually.

He said, sometimes...

when it gets a bit much with my wife,

in my lunch break, I'll go downtown,

I'll go down an alley, and I'll get sucked off by a whore.

[cheers and applause]

And I was like, yeah.

Similar, similar...

similar stor--

I can see how my story led to your story.

Yeah, similar.

And I thought, I actually don't know what to say now.

He's properly stumped me.

Like, I probably shouldn't shame him.

It's all that shame sending him down alleys.

But at the same time, I have heard, as men,

we are supposed to call each other out.

So I said to him, look...

mate...

we don't say "whore."

So, look... [clears throat]

I worry...

I worry...

that my fear of embarrassment...

is far greater than my instinct

to save a life.

Where I live, there's this dog that lives in my road.

And I really like this dog. It's a good dog. Good dog.

It doesn't live in the road. Like, it is housed.

Like, it has a roommate. It lives with this woman.

But sometimes the dog will be in the road.

And I really like this dog. It's a good dog.

It's a good dog.

So whenever I see the dog, I will stop, and I will--

What word do you say? - Pet.

- Pet. You say, pet, right, yeah?

Here is my question for you all.

Did you all just run out of verbs?

Like, it is a pet.

You're not dogging your dog, you know what I mean?

It makes it sound so creepy.

Like, do you want to go out to the farm and pig the pigs?

No, thank you, Americans. Thank you.

So gross.

So, anyway, I like this dog, so whenever I see the dog,

I will stop, and I will stroke it.

That sounds worse.

That's wor-- Oh, no, look, whenever--

I'll stop, and I will touch it.

No.

I will scruffle it up.

Like, I will get my hands on that dog.

No, you don't-- Like, I'm not--

Don't--don't look at me like that.

I don't want the takeaway of this show being,

he can't do impressions, and I think he fucked a dog.

There's nothing going on between me and--

It's platonic between me and the dog,

to be clear, all right?

At least for myself. I can't speak for the dog.

I'm not putting words in the dog's--

I'm not putting anything in the dog's mouth, okay?

Can't a man and a dog be friends

without the sex part getting in the way?

I believe so, yes. All right?

So, whenever I see this dog, I will stop,

and I will wave, all right?

I just wave from afar.

And one day, I'm out in the street,

and I see the dog with the woman,

and I stop and have a chat with the woman, not the dog.

And the woman says, I've got to run an errand.

Are you around for a bit?

Do you want to take the dog for a walk?

And I said, I'd love to.

And it was the first time I'd been alone with the dog,

which I am absolutely allowed to be.

I have a certificate.

And I have the dog on a lead,

and I walk the dog to the park.

And I go right into the middle of the park,

and then I took the lead off.

And the dog immediately bolted

straight towards the main road. [crowd ohs]

And there was, like, loads of people around.

And I thought like, oh, like--

I don't want to make a scene.

Like, one of my biggest fears

is becoming a GIF that gets passed around,

like, fucking hell!

You know what I mean?

So I thought--I thought...

I thought, I'm just gonna let it die.

I thought I'd just have to say to her, oh, the car came

out of nowhere, but it didn't.

It's a very straight road.

I saw it about a quarter of a mile away.

Oh, I didn't hear it coming.

It wasn't electric. It was a gas-guzzling machine.

And it really made me think,

I actually must not have children...

because if I ever had, like, a dickhead kid,

if I ever had, like, a real dickhead kid

and I was out with my dickhead kid

and my dickhead kid was causing chaos somewhere

and someone was like, whose is this?

I'd be like... [mumbles]

I don't know. He seems awful.

And you'd know it was mine.

It would be so hairy.

It's a little werewolf kid

running around like Eddie Munster.

Are you sure you don't know him?

Never seen him in my life.

Why is he calling you "Daddy"? Get off me, Brett Junior!

Now, look, New Jersey...

I heard your noises,

so I realized I'm going to have to say this.

Otherwise, you're not going to be able to enjoy

the rest of the show.

The dog survived, all right?

All right? Yes.

[cheers and applause]

You think you're so tough, but then you can't handle a story

where a dog might have died.

The dog is absolutely fine, okay?

What really happened is, the dog ran this way,

and the dog ran that way, and we had a lovely walk.

And then I took the dog home, and we made love, okay?

It was a happy ending for both of us.

Why do you think my child is so hairy?

Unnecessary. Unnecessary add-on.

I'm so sorry.

We were having such a classy evening.

What's that?

My biceps?

Oh, yeah. No, I--no, I've been--

yeah, I've been working out, but--

well, I have to because I've got to hold this.

Yeah.

Well, we can talk about it if you want.

All right. Yeah, I go to the gym.

I go to the gym. Sorry about it.

Yeah, I go to the gym. I'll talk about it, fine.

I go to the gym. I go to the gym regularly.

I go to the gym for spiritual reasons, actually.

I go because I would like to look good naked.

But, truthfully, the gym that I go to--

I don't actually like this gym. I sort of hate it.

I only go to it because it's the nearest one.

But it's a real sort of testosterone-y gym,

if that's not a pizza.

It's like a real sort of testosterone-y and cheese

deep-dish gym, you know what I mean?

Like, it's always sort of men just fucking standing around,

fucking moody, staring at each other.

And all I ever want to use is the weights machine,

and there'll always be someone on it for hours.

And, eventually, I'll be like, can I jump in on that?

And they'll be like, fuck off.

And I'll be like, yeah, cool, cool, cool.

I'll just keep doing body-weight squats.

But something happened the other day at the gym.

This is completely true.

And this just shows you the power of music.

Now, I don't know if this was an accident,

someone did this deliberately,

or the playlist was just on random shuffle,

but the song that was playing in the gym was this...

- ♪ When I bang on 'em, bang on 'em, that's when I-- ♪

- Everyone fucking menacing, staring each other out,

lifting weights, looking fucking moody.

And then the next song came on, and it was this.

[The Beatles' "Yesterday" playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yesterday... ♪

- And everything changed.

I don't know if you've ever seen a man

lift weights wistfully.

It's a thing.

Man doing push-ups started weeping.

Man on the treadmill stopped doing hill sprints

and started looking within.

And then the man by the weights machine came over to me,

and he went, sorry, I've been so aggressive, bro.

I think it's because my mum didn't give me

enough attention as a child.

I said, I get that.

He said, do you want to use the weights?

I said, let's use them together.

[cheers and applause]

Lovely.

True story. True story, word for word.

I guess the real weights

were the friends we made along the way.

I did, actually, end up making friends

with one of these guys.

You know, there's a thing with men who work out at the gym.

There's a bit I must miss when people work out too much,

where it sort of goes big, bigger, pyramid.

You know what I mean?

Like, sort of, big, bigger, human Toblerone.

And...

I made friends with one of these Toblerone guys, right?

And we used to chat a bit after a workout,

and then he disappeared for a few months.

Didn't see him.

Then he came back, and I was like, where have you been?

And it turned out, he had taken himself to China

to train to become, like, a Shaolin warrior

or something.

And he came back. I said, how was it?

He said, yeah, it was fucking amazing, actually.

They used to wake us at 3:00 in the morning

and beat us with sacks.

I said, that sounds incredible.

And he said, I can kick really high now.

And I was like... [chuckles] Cool.

I said, how high can you kick?

And he said, I could kick you in the fucking head.

Interesting unit of measurement.

But he told me something that I completely believed.

He told me that because he'd done this training,

now, if he was ever in a bar or anywhere

and someone were to start a fight with him,

that now, legally,

he had to say three times

that he was a lethal weapon...

before he could engage in combat.

Nothing would escalate a fight quicker...

Than someone saying, I'm a lethal weapon.

What's that? Did you hear me?

Oh, yeah, we all heard you.

Well, listen again. I'm a lethal weapon.

Should we go outside?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm a lethal weapon.

What are you-- Douchebag Beetlejuice?

But I actually believed him. It kind of made sense to me.

It's only recently it occurred to me that if that is true,

that means if one day he kills someone,

then in a court of law, the judge can just be like,

excuse me, sir, can I check?

Did you say you were a lethal weapon three times?

I did, yeah.

Ah, case dismissed. Not guilty.

She was asleep when I said it, but I did say it.

[scattered laughter]

She's not real.

The dog survived.

When will you trust me?

So, of all the issues we have in the world--

and we do have so many--

if I may be sincere for a moment,

I think that we have one major issue

that all our other issues stem from,

and that issue is wealth inequality.

I think the gap between rich and poor is insane.

It seems to be getting worse,

and I think all of our problems come from that.

And I think the only way

we can truly start to deal with that is,

I believe we need to tax the rich.

And...

[cheers and applause]

It's something I'm very passionate about.

I've been on lots of marches with my friends about it.

And, um--and, um...

and, uh...

And then a couple of years ago...

I got a job, and it was the first time in my life

I'd been sort of fairly well paid.

And I found myself on one of these marches with my friends.

And I was like, tax the rich! Tax the rich! Tax--

Maybe deal with them on an individual, case-by-case basis.

Like, let's hear them out.

Some of them probably got good hearts,

hearts of gold, if you will.

But I'll tell you the truth, right?

So I was involved in "Ted Lasso," right?

And--

[cheers and applause] Thank you very much.

And I will be forever grateful for it.

It truly changed my life.

I had been working for years and years before that.

Turns out, it makes quite a big difference

when people actually watch the thing.

Previous to "Ted Lasso,"

I'd just sort of been making stuff

and kind of kicking it down a well.

Like, see you later, my 20s. Absolute waste of time.

So I did "Ted Lasso," and it changed my life,

and I feel very privileged.

And people often come up to me,

and they say, like, what's next?

What have you got going on next?

And since you've been very generous to me, actually,

I will share with you an exclusive.

But you can't tell anyone

because the special won't come out for a while.

Like, I've been in LA. I've been pitching a show.

I'm really excited, but you can't--

I haven't sold it yet, not quite.

Anyway, I'll tell you.

So the next show that I want to make...

is a show called "MDMA Fighting."

And what it is...

you take two highly skilled MMA fighters,

you dose them up with MDMA 30 minutes before a match,

then half hour later, you stick them in a cage together,

and you go, go.

And they walk towards each other like...

You are so big.

Your skin is so tight.

And the referee's like, come on!

And he pushes them together,

but they just start nuzzling each other's necks

and squeezing each other's head.

And he's like, break it up!

And they're like, leave us alone!

And they're just cuddling and cuddling and cuddling.

They won't let go of each other.

And they're cuddling and cuddling, cuddling.

And they end up down on the ground.

They're cuddling.

And then they lie there arm in arm,

and then they look up, and one of them goes...

[gasps] It's a cage.

And the other one goes, when you think about it,

is it all a cage?

[The Beatles' "Yesterday" playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yesterday ♪

Thank you. [music stops]

Thank you very much, yeah.

The pitches are going well, you know.

Mark Cuban is a yes, so we'll see.

Just a warning-- this next thing I'm gonna say

is the most controversial thing I'm gonna say tonight,

so just strap in.

Like, we'll get through this bit,

and then it's easy from here on out, all right?

Well, look, I'm gonna say this...

[sighs] Because I do actually think it's important

to speak your truth,

and I don't want to pretend I'm something I'm not anymore.

So I'm just gonna say it, then it's been said, okay?

I love musicals.

All right?

[cheers and applause]

I love musicals.

I'm not gonna pretend I don't anymore.

I do actually love musicals.

I love musicals, but...

I hate plays.

Plays are boring, and you all know it.

Once you've enjoyed a musical,

it's very difficult to get back to a play.

Once you've experienced the majesty

of "Defying Gravity,"

very difficult to get anything out of, "To be or not to be."

You're talking. Plays are boring.

Plays are boring.

And anyone who tells you otherwise

is lying to you and themselves.

Chekhov can fuck off.

And Shakespeare...

why are we still talking about this cunt?

I went to see "Romeo and Juliet."

It is an exact rip-off of "West Side Story."

You think I'm not gonna notice

'cause you took the clicking out, William?

Come on!

And if Shakespeare is such a genius writer,

let's talk about the plotting of "Romeo and Juliet."

First two acts, fine. Star-crossed lovers, fine.

Then what happens is, Juliet says, I want to marry Romeo.

Her dad says no, and he locks her in a bedroom

with a priest and a nurse.

Okay.

She says, what will I do?

The priest says, I've got an idea.

Never a good sign when a priest says to a child,

I have an idea.

He says, I've got this poison.

I haven't really tried it, but I'm pretty sure if you take it,

you'll be dead for 48 hours.

They'll have a funeral. They'll mourn you.

They'll leave you in a crypt.

And then in two days, Romeo can come along.

You'll wake up, and you two can run off.

If Shakespeare is such a good writer,

the next line should be Juliet saying,

um, does anyone have any other ideas?

That sounds fucking mental.

No, Juliet, it's always the most obvious thing.

It's got to be the 48-hour poison thing.

Can we not just sneak out the back?

No, sorry. It's got to be the old 48-hour poison.

What, you're saying they'll have a funeral?

Yeah.

What if they cremate me? You're overthinking it, Juliet.

I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--

couldn't tell you which.

I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--

couldn't tell you which.

They're both gibberish, right?

This is how low people's bar was for entertainment.

In the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth,"

doesn't matter which--

in the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth,"

one of the characters says this--

"Well, yes...

as the hare, the lion."

And people laughed.

I was fucking fuming.

I was stalking the aisles,

like, are you fucking kidding me?

This is seriously doing it for you?

I said, take yourself to an open-mic comedy night,

listen to someone ask where the Peruvians are at,

and it'll blow the brains out of your head.

And, look, I am well aware that one day I will do a play,

and this clip will be used against me.

But let me be very clear.

I never said it isn't fun to do a play.

It's really fun to do a play. It's just boring to watch them.

Please come see my play.

[cheers and applause]

I hate plays, but I love musicals,

'cause a musical is like a play where stuff happens.

But as much as I love a musical,

and I do love a musical,

I could never be in a musical.

And it's not because I can't sing or dance.

I can't.

It's more because...

as much as I love a musical,

I could never do the face...

that every actor has to do

at the start of every musical

without wanting to, you know, self-harm.

Since we're filming this, I will try it for you, right?

I'm gonna try the face.

Now, you've all seen a musical, right?

Some are silly. Some are difficult.

Some are deep. Some are frivolous.

All musicals begin with an actor coming onstage,

doing this face.

[cheers and applause]

New York City, I made it!

Fuck it, I'll be sick in my own mouth.

All right, we are now at the relationship section

of the show.

Do we have any marrieds in? [applause]

So many marrieds.

Are you a married? How long have you been married?

- Almost 30 fucking years? Respect.

That sounds like a record. Can anyone beat that?

40-fucking-7 over here.

This is now a very weird auction.

No one wins anything, but...

but you do win our respect.

47--listen, I am not going to make fun of the marrieds.

I got nothing but respect for the marrieds.

I've never been married.

I never made a vow in front of God or the law.

But you did, and I'm sure you meant it...

At the time.

I've never been married.

And the truth is, I never wanted to be married.

And it's only recently it occurs to me why.

And I think it's actually 'cause of comedy.

I think comedy ruined marriage for me,

'cause I grew up obsessed with stand-up and sitcoms,

which means my whole life,

I saw one stereotype of what marriage is.

I thought what marriage is,

is where a man lives in a house with a woman

who never, ever, ever wants to have sex with him again.

You know what I mean?

Like, all sitcoms, they're always like,

Debra, why ain't we fucking? You know what I mean? Like...

Thursdays on NBC...

Frigid Frida is back. You know what I mean?

And I always thought, I mean, I like sex.

That sounds awful. Why would you do that?

But, recently, I've been speaking

to lots of straight couples in long-term relationships,

and I've been asking them about their sex lives

because I am a pervert...

and I don't understand the basics of small talk.

And what I have discovered in the overwhelming majority

is that this stereotype is the wrong way around.

Most of the men I speak to are like, yeah, we have enough sex.

Most of the women think they're not having enough sex.

And the reason it's gone so deathly quiet...

Is because that is true.

[person cheers]

Holy fuck, that was tense.

So, if that is the case,

and oh, boy, it definitely is...

Then why is it the case now?

Luckily, I have a theory.

Otherwise, this bit would go nowhere.

I think it's because sex is weird, right?

Sex is weird, particularly how I do it.

Like...

Guys, the dog survived. No, look--

Sex is weird.

Sex is weird, particularly starting sex.

I find the beginning of sex so stressful.

I feel the same way about sex as I do about taking ecstasy.

Like, in the build-up, I'm always nervous--

oh, God, I hope it's all gonna be all right.

Once I'm doing it, I'm like, why aren't I always doing this?

And it's because these are two very different states

of being, right?

One is like being a human. One is like being an animal.

It's quite a big hump you have to get over

to get from one state to the other.

And everyone has to do it.

Like, even, like, someone doing a TED Talk, right?

Someone doing a TED Talk.

So they're like, oh, yes, the universe or whatever.

That same person, just a couple of hours later,

can be like this...

[grunting]

That's not how I do it, just to be--

I'm trying to make a point.

This isn't exactly--

You know, it's just an exaggeration.

Everyone has to do it. Smart people--

Albert Einstein one day was like, E equals MC-squared.

And then later, he was like... [grunting]

Such a big hump to get from one state to the other.

That's why I think being sexually rejected

is the most humiliating thing,

'cause it's like, you're on a date with someone,

and you misread the cues, and you're like,

oh, time to become the animal.

So you put on paws and a monkey mask,

and you try to get over the hump.

And she's like, what do you think you're doing?

And you're like, absolutely nothing, nothing at all,

nothing at all.

I was enjoying all the conversing--more, please.

It was like watching a play. I loved it.

And that's why I think

in the beginning of a relationship,

it's easy for a man to initiate sex,

because she doesn't know you.

So you can tell yourself, I'm a big, strong animal.

I'm a big, strong monkey animal man.

And you can get over that hump and initiate sex.

But once you've been with someone

for, like...

three weeks...

every time you're gearing up to get over that hump,

part of you is going, I'm a big, strong monkey animal.

I'm a big, strong animal,

but she did see me cry

through the finale of "The Great British Bake Off."

Those beautiful fucking scones.

So I've never been married, right?

But I think I've done--

I've tried most of the kind of relationships you can do.

I've done short-term, medium-term,

long-term, lease.

The furthest I ever got is,

last year, I lived with someone.

And living with someone was a real game changer,

because previous to that,

I thought what having a girlfriend was--

I thought that's where you meet up with someone

three or four times a week, and when you meet up with them,

you show them the 4% of yourself

that is acceptable for public consumption.

And when you feel the 96% bubbling up, you say,

I've had a lovely time. Let's catch up soon.

You rush home, you close the door, and you regenerate.

She was in my house.

Day 2, the 96% was everywhere.

She thought I was a fucking weirdo

'cause I cook everything in a wok.

But, like, if it's good enough for stir fry,

it's good enough for oatmeal.

And I have a system for getting dressed

that used to drive her insane.

I'm gonna share this system with you,

and it will change your lives.

This is how I get dressed, right?

The end of the day, when I'm finished with my clothes,

I take them off, and I put them in the washer.

When the washing is full, I turn it on.

I then move everything to the dryer, and I turn that on.

And then when that's done,

I then get dressed out of the dryer,

and the cycle continues.

What I am not doing is wasting my life

on this middleman we call drawers.

I'm not taking all the clothes.

Quick, we must hide our other clothes.

People are coming to the house.

If they see we have other clothes, they'll kill us.

They must never know that we have more clothes

than what we're wearing.

Quick! Hide them properly. Take them fully upstairs.

You must hide them and fold them.

Put them in boxes.

They must never see we have other clothes.

Oh, my God do you know what I need?

Some of those other clothes.

I better go back up the stairs and open the boxes

and unfold the thing.

The years and years that I have saved.

Do you want to know how I won two Emmys?

Because I had fucking time.

[cheers and applause]

So I'm single now.

No, I'm single by choice--

her choice.

No, it was actually mutual.

We came to the mutual agreement that I was a prick

and she should marry her ex, but...

[audience aws] No, it's fine. She's dead.

That, you're delighted by?

This is a strange group of people.

69!

69!

[scattered cheering]

69!

[loud cheering]

[laughing] 69.

It's another 45 minutes of this.

69, the sex move.

69, the position.

Not for me. I hate it, in case you're wondering.

Literally, no one asked. I'm telling you anyway.

I hate a 69. I hate a 69.

And I'll tell you for why.

I can't rub my belly and pat my head at the same time.

[applause]

It's sex.

It's not Cirque du fucking Soleil.

Like, yes, it's important to share,

but you can take turns.

A 69 always ends in an 11...

Just two people lying next to each other,

feeling smelly and ashamed.

I much prefer a 16...

which is bum sex with a pregnant lady.

I don't know if that's making the edit.

[chuckles] Fucking hell.

All right, we should probably start wrapping up fairly soon.

So, look, the last thing I want to tell you about--

I talked about love and relationships.

One thing I haven't told you

is I once truly, genuinely experienced

love at first sight.

I went to this party. This woman turned around.

Our eyes locked, and I was like, shit, fuck, I'm in love.

Like, that's a real thing-- love at first sight, right?

[scoffs]

If you're in a couple not nodding at that,

that is a long drive home.

Did you hear what he said?

Yeah, I heard.

He can't do impressions, and I think he fucked a dog.

Honestly, I met this woman. Our eyes locked.

It's embarrassing what happened in my head.

When I saw this woman, the first thought I had was,

oh, nothing matters.

We can just live in fields and eat berries.

And me and this woman got together.

And now, this woman, she's half Irish and half Chinese,

which means she's incredibly beautiful

and I am never allowed to do an impression of her.

Where are all my "Chirish" at?

Anyway...

So we got together, and we were in love.

I think this is love. Is this love?

Is love when you text each other back and forth all day--

text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text,

text, text, text, text, text--

and then if, at some point, she doesn't immediately reply

to one of your texts,

you're like, right, she's having an affair?

Right, she's not texted back. She has a dick in her. Okay.

And it's a bigger dick than mine.

She's finally satisfied. Okay.

Oh, another dick must have joined, so her hands are full.

She can't send a text. Okay.

Oh, another dick must have joined,

and now it's in her mouth.

Otherwise, she'd tell Siri to drop me a line.

I knew this would happen. I'm a fucking idiot.

And then 25 minutes later, she texts back, sorry, baby.

I was at the gym. Miss you.

And you're like, all right, a bit needy.

Is that love?

And there's a real madness to this kind of love.

Like, I look back at the texts we were sending each other.

I'm like, are these love notes or death threats?

Like, the insane things you say to each other,

like, I can't wait to be back with you.

I can't wait to be kissing you.

I can't wait to be on top of you.

I can't wait to cut off your skin and wear you as a Slanket.

And you sort of lose all reason.

You kind of lie in bed together.

Like, we actually don't have to go to work today, do we?

We don't have to go to work. We're in love.

As if your boss is in the office going,

where's Brett today?

Oh, he can't come in, sir. He's in love.

[gasps] We must give him paid time off.

And you become really sort of dirty.

You just sort of lie there, like, don't leave the bed.

Don't go have a shower.

We can just lie here passing back and forth the same UTI.

Cranberry juice, my angel?

Now, it may not shock you to discover

that that relationship ended.

And when it ended, I spoke to my sister.

Now, my sister is the opposite of me.

My sister, she's married. She's got children.

She's happy.

And I said to her--I said, was I wrong about this?

And she said, Brett, you're wrong

about literally everything.

And I said, no, was I wrong about love?

And she said, yeah, of course you were wrong about love.

She said, love is--

she said, when you find your soulmate,

you will feel completely at peace.

And I was like, oh.

Then that definitely wasn't love.

That was a fucking nightmare. I don't think I slept.

And I've thought about it a lot

because I suspect that she's probably right.

But if my sister's right,

that means that all your favorite love songs,

none of them are actually about love.

These are all just songs about addiction.

They're all just Cookie Monster songs.

You know what I mean?

You know the types of songs, where it's like,

our love is a roller coaster.

The house is on fire. Let's cut our dicks off.

You know what I mean?

Because if my sister is right,

then all love songs should go like this.

♪ I feel so comfortable ♪

♪ Sitting on a couch with you ♪

♪ Watching a box set for an hour ♪

♪ Maybe watch another one, too ♪

♪ If you have to work late at the office ♪

♪ I won't criticize ♪

♪ 'Cause I trust you, and I know you love me ♪

♪ And for you, my penis is the right size ♪

♪ For you, my penis is the right size ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you very much, New Jersey!

Good night!

[cheers and applause]

- Brett, great show.

- Thanks, Mo.

Hey, do you know if the red squirrel came?

- [sighs] No.

The Red Squirrel didn't come.

- What about Big Bear? - No.

- Crazy Orange Bird? - Mm-mm.

- Hot Dogs?

- No, Brett.

- Okay.

Well, at least Buddy G was there.

- Brett, we've been over this.

These friends of yours-- they're not real.

- Okay.

- I'll see you at the diner.

- Yeah.

Cool.

- Great show, Brett! You were fantastic.

- You were just wonderful. - Wow.

- Okay, good! - So many bad words!

Loved it!

- Yeah, we're going to the diner to celebrate.

Come on.

- You're very bad at impressions.

- Oi! Don't be rude. Clear off. Be nice.

We'll meet you at the diner.

- Yeah, you try following your dreams.

- Hey. You did good.

- Thanks, Buddy G.

I didn't think you'd come.

- Are you kidding me?

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Come on, let's go get something to eat.

Come on. - Okay.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Come on, Buddy.

♪ ♪

[bright tone]