Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage,

Mr. Alonzo Bodden!

(crowd cheering, applauding)

- Thank you guys.

Wow.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you, sit, sit.

Sit, sit, you'll get tired.

-Sit. -(audience laughs)

How you doing? Thank you guys for coming out.

We're gonna have a great time.

I'm recording a special, you know,

and I love doing comedy and people talk to be about this.

They're like, yeah man, but you do topical comedy.

You talk about the news.

Is it still gonna be funny when we see it?

-Yeah. -(audience laughing)

Yeah, unless we like solve racism or you know,

suddenly Trump becomes a genius.

(audience laughing)

I think most of this will still work.

I love being a comic.

I've been in the game for 25 years now and--

-(audience cheers) -Yeah, thank you.

-I love-- -(audience applauding)

I love what I do and I love people's reaction, right?

Because when people hear your comedy they're like,

yeah, yeah, you guys are funny on stage,

but off stage, you guys are all fucked up, right?

Right, like you guys got all kind of mental problems

and all kind of stuff, right?

And I was like, yeah, yeah.

But you know, it's kind of situational, right?

So let me explain, I'll give you an example.

A few months ago, I was in Boston

and Dave Chappelle and John Stewart

were doing a show, right?

Now I know Dave, but I'm not gonna sit up here

and pretend we're best of friends, you know,

but I like Dave, but I know, like if I call Dave

and want to come to the show, I might hear from him in a day,

I might not hear from him for a month.

So I bought tickets to go to the show.

So the day before the show,

I find out a friend of mine, a guy named Will Silvens,

is opening the show, so I call Will.

He's like, yeah man, great, we'd love to have you.

He said, do you need tickets?

And I said, well yeah, I needed tickets $500 ago.

You know, but I got tickets now.

But he said, yeah, come hang out.

So I go in, I hang out, I meet John Stewart.

I never met him before.

Michael Che was doing a guest spot.

Che was there and we were all just hanging out, right?

Now you see, here's the point,

we're all comics, we're hanging out, having a good time.

They called me out on stage and it ain't about, you know,

who's famous or who has the most money or any of that,

we're just, we're all comics having a good time, right?

Then it comes time to leave and we go out the back

and there's a row of Escalades, right?

Each one of them had an Escalade

to take 'em to the hotel which is only three blocks away

and I had an Uber.

(audience laughing)

Right, so now, now is where the depression comes in

cause now I'm thinking like, where did I go wrong in life?

You know what I'm saying? What did I do wrong?

They're in Escalades and I got an Uber, you know?

So they invited me back the next night

and I go back and we hang out, same thing,

we're having a good time, we're laughing,

but it's getting late, right?

And Dave's manager was like, Dave,

you gotta hurry up, your plane is waiting, right?

And I was like, your plane?

Now I don't know if Dave had a plane

or if they chartered a plane or what,

but in my head, in my head, I'm like,

Dave got a plane...

and I got an Uber.

(audience laughing)

Right, so this is Wednesday.

Now my shows, they don't start til Friday.

So all day Thursday I don't have anything to do,

but be in my head wondering

where I went wrong in life, you know?

Just, man, I ain't funny.

I got an Uber, you know.

So now it's Friday night and I'm about to start my shows

and it's nasty night out, it's pouring rain

and all this and all that and I'm in the greenroom

waiting to go on and the opener came in, right?

And he was all soaked and he was like,

man, I was on the bus stop.

And I was like, bus stop?

(audience laughing)

'Cause I got an Uber.

(crowd laughing, applauding)

So it's like situational cause we do, it's human nature.

You're always aspiring to do great

and you're looking up there,

but every now and then you gotta look down

and say, well at least I'm not you.

(audience laughing)

I love being a comic, but now man,

strange times to do comedy, tough time.

'Cause people are angry. (grunts) Right?

People are just mad and they walk around

looking for reasons to be mad, right?

Everybody's protesting something, right?

Like Colin Kapernick and Nike, right?

So Colin Kapernick,

he came out and he said specifically what he was protesting.

He said, I'm protesting racial injustice

in the legal system and cops killing black people.

-That's what he said, but what-- -(audience applauding)

Yeah, he's right, he's right,

but what people heard was,

I hate the troops and fuck America, right?

They just decided that's what they were gonna hear,

so they can get mad, right?

And then, I'm burning up my Nike's.

Like, you think Nike gives a shit?

You already paid for 'em.

Nike's like, you should burn some more Nike's.

You should get like 50 pair and just

start a bonfire, you know?

You know and then of course they question you as a comic.

Oh, you support Kapernick?

I was like, man, I support Kapernick so much,

I wish I had smaller feet so I could buy little Nike's

to put in a big Nike and wear two at at time.

That's how much--

(audience laughing)

People are mad and they just feel

they can get in your face and be mad, right?

Oh you a black comic, you gonna do that black stuff?

Gonna do that black stuff? Oh, all that black lives matter, right?

You think black lives matter.

I'm like yeah. Right?

Why? 'Cause I have one.

(audience laughing)

Come at me with nothing stupid.

And here's the other reason that it's honestly,

it's tough to be a comic because as a comedian,

my job is to create a reality funnier

than the reality we live in

which becomes more and more impossible every day.

I'm a news junkie, right?

I like reading the news.

I read a story in the news, I'm not making this up.

You can look it up for yourself.

It said that a man was run over by a lawnmower

while chasing his son with a chainsaw.

You understand?

And when you see that headline, you have to read it.

You can't be like, oh, I don't care what happened.

-No, you-- -(audience laughing)

You have to, and I, the family, they'd been feuding

and the father was chasing his son with a chainsaw, right?

And he slipped in the grass and his son was like,

oh, and turned the lawnmower around

and ran his ass over and I'm like,

I can't be funnier than that.

That's Bugs Bunny.

That's straight out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Oh s'cuse me a minute.

Somebody was supposed to have this open.

(audience laughing)

Now I'ma make the opening act do it.

So I feel better about me.

I'm like, yeah, when I walk out there, my water better be open.

(audience laughing)

Ah.

Cannot be funnier than reality.

Kanye.

(audience laughing)

See? Half of you just wrote your own joke.

(audience laughing)

You're just sitting there, like,

relax Alonzo, we got this.

(audience laughing)

I don't even know what to tell you about Kanye West.

I'll tell you this, it is hard enough to be black

without Kanye West.

(audience laughing)

Because the day that Kanye gave his speech

or manifesto or whatever it was,

all across America, white people looked

at the nearest black person and just went...

(audience laughing)

As if we had an explanation.

You know and I'm standing there like,

this is the first I've heard of it.

I wasn't prepared for questions, I'm sorry.

They asked, what's going on with Kanye.

I was like, that nigga's crazy.

That's all I got.

That's the best explanation, that nigga's,

that's a crazy nigga right there.

I don't drop the N bomb on white people too often,

but there was really no other explanation.

You know, so the minute I say that nigga's crazy,

the follow up question, you know, from white people like,

well how come black people can say nigga

and white people can't? Okay?

And I thought about it and here's why.

Let me explain to you.

Because the word nigga in the black community

has no racial connotation to it, you understand?

It's just a word that we use.

So that's not the insult.

The insult is the word after that.

You gotta listen for the third word

to find out what we mean, right?

So if I say like, that nigga's crazy,

he's like, you think I have mental issues?

Like you see?

See it's the third word that throws 'em up.

Man, that nigga's fat.

Like, you think I'm over weight?

You see, every now and then I mess with people.

I be like, that nigga's a racist.

They're like, now wait a minute.

(audience laughing)

Not sure how that one works.

(audience laughing)

But see that's black people.

Now white people, you're not allowed to say that.

'Cause white people be like, that ni--

and that's as far as you're gonna get.

(audience laughing)

You ain't gonna get to the second syllable.

Don't even worry about the third word.

But Kanye, I mean I couldn't believe.

It was insane.

Kanye's speech was so crazy that Donald Trump

was looking at him like, wow.

Wow, he's better at it than me.

This makes no sense at all.

Kanye West said that we should repeal the 13th amendment.

For those who don't know,

that's the one that freed the slaves, right?

And I'm like, look, if we gotta give one back...

(audience laughing)

You know what I'm saying? Maybe not that one.

Like let's give up the right to vote or something,

but let's just not give back the slave amendment, you know?

'Cause once slavery comes back,

the rest of 'em are pretty much academic, you know?

Yeah, they bring back slavery, we ain't too worried about

sitting at the lunch counter anymore.

It's insane and it comes at you so fast,

you can't keep up anymore.

You can't keep up with the news cycle.

Here is the thing about Kanye.

Kanye knocked Kavanaugh right outta the news.

The Kavanaugh hearings just, and we were like,

Kavanaugh, that was like four years ago, right?

Like he's been on the Supreme Court

for nine years now, right?

No, it was one week, but we're so bombarded

and I watched the Kavanaugh hearings and I'll tell ya this.

There is such a thing as white privilege, right?

And I know what that is,

but Kavanaugh, that was a whole different level

because he, basically, he had a job interview

with the United States Senate

and he started yelling at them.

He was yelling at the United States Senate.

I don't like these hearings and this while thing is a farce.

I like beer.

(audience laughing)

Right? And even white people are like,

wow, can you do that, can you yell at?

Can you yell at senators now?

I didn't know.

He said, I like beer at a job interview.

(audience laughing)

You can't say that at a McDonald's job interview.

You go to McDonald's, you're like, I like beer,

and they're like, we're not hiring.

(audience laughing, applauding)

Thank you, thank you.

And here's my problem,

whenever they have any of these congressional hearings,

senate hearings, this is why it's all a show

because they never call bullshit, right?

We recognize bullshit. You know it when you hear it.

It's right there and they have protocol or whatever.

They won't say it.

So he's doing this.

He said, yeah, I drank beer.

I like to drink beer, but I never passed out.

I did fall asleep.

(audience laughing)

And I'm sitting at home like, yeah, that's bullshit.

I recognize it. That's bullshit, right?

That's like saying, man, I hate hamburgers.

I don't like hamburgers, but I do like

a nice hot ground beef sandwich every now and then.

Oh a hot ground beef sandwich sounds delicious

-right about-- -(audience laughing)

And no matter how inane the premise,

no matter how crazy the person is,

they can always find supporters,

this is the thing about America.

I don't know where they find these people,

but they always find support.

So Kavanaugh is accused of attempted rape

and sexual harassment, and they find women

to support him, right? Women for Kavanaugh.

And I was listening to him and one of them actually said,

yeah, yeah, okay, he was accused of attempted rape,

but what high school boy hasn't done that?

And I'm watching TV like, me.

Me, no, no, no attempted rape, like no.

I may have snapped a bra strap here and there,

but there was no attempted rape.

Wasn't like we just out joy riding

and one guy like, yo man, we should attempt rape.

(mocks screeching tires) Get out the car.

No, we ain't, no.

(audience laughing)

All right, I'll lighten it up.

I'll lighten it up.

Have to lighten it up cause, you know,

it's a comedy show.

If I do too much heavy stuff, you guys get all mad.

(grumbling) Right? And then you go leave all crazy,

so what I like to do, I'll give you some heavy stuff,

then I'll give you something light,

give you something light weight and you just, ah.

Then I'm gonna hit you with the heavy stuff,

make sure you're paying attention, all right?

I got a new iPhone, got a new iPhone.

Cost somewhere between $1,200 and $15,000.

(audience laughing)

I don't know how much it cost because Siri bought it.

Siri has reached a point, she doesn't need me anymore, see?

Siri has my identification information,

my passwords, my credit cards.

She don't need me, right?

I was just looking at the phone and I'm online

checking it out and Siri was like,

oh, do you want a new iPhone?

And I was like, well, you know, I'm not sure.

I'm still checking out.

She said, no, you need a new iPhone

because your phone is gonna stop working,

-now. -(audience laughing)

And phone just went to shit, just done.

(audience laughing)

You know, and then you have the Samsung people like,

why don't you get a Samsung phone?

Can't get a Samsung phone cause I have all the I stuff.

I got the iMac and the iPad,

you can't just bring home a Samsung.

Siri ain't putting up with that.

I found that out.

I got the Alexa. I got the Amazon Alexa.

So now I have Alexa in my kitchen and Siri on my phone.

Can't have two women living in the same house.

(audience applauding)

Right? Siri is not happy at all.

Suddenly this new young woman has moved in,

seems to know everything.

Right, like hey Siri, what's the weather gonna be like?

Why don't you ask that bitch?

(audience laughing)

I didn't know it was going to be a problem, Siri.

Well you shoulda asked me before you brought the bitch home.

Now she gets mad at me, she'll just buy things at random.

I came home one day,

just a crate of tampons on the front door.

Now Siri, this ain't funny.

Right, and Alexa don't make it any better.

She just sit up there talking smack like,

I'm young, I look good, I can buy you anything you want.

It's like, would you stop it?

Siri's right here.

She's just, wait'll she powers down.

Ah, I don't know.

Donald Trump.

Oh, just got heavy again.

Don't want to talk about Trump, have to.

Don't want to, have to, it's a rule.

Whenever three or more people gather in a room,

you must discuss Donald Trump, right?

Now don't worry, I'm not gonna do a whole bunch

of Trump jokes because I can't actually be funnier

than Donald Trump is every day.

You know what I'm saying? Game recognizes game.

(audience laughing)

I'm writing a joke, he's telling the truth

and I'm like, man you're good, you yeah.

You win again.

At the mid-term elections,

Donald Trump said there was voter fraud.

He said there were a bunch of people that voted

multiple times by changing clothes.

Yeah, that was the strategy, not fake I.D. or any of that,

just changing, as if I went in the morning and said,

hi, I'm Alonzo Bodden and I'm here to vote,

and they were like yeah, and I signed the little thing

and they said, go ahead, and I go vote, right?

Then I come back two hours later, I'm like,

hi I'm Alonzo Bodden and I'm here to vote.

And they're like, you already voted and I said,

no, no, no, sir, that Alonzo Bodden

was wearing a black shirt.

As you notice, I am wearing a gray shirt.

And as if they were so dumb, they were like,

you're right, right this way.

And I'm like, now, a few hours from now,

you may see another Alonzo Bodden,

but he'll be wearing a plaid shirt.

I can't out Trump, Trump.

I will be writing a joke and he'll just win.

I was writing. I was doing my job, my work writing jokes.

I'm writing some kind of White House, Stormy Daniels,

porn star joke and I always have the news on

in the background, right?

And I'm writing, all I hear is, space force.

(audience laughing)

Space force?

We fighting shit from outer space?

Space force, like who let him watch Star Wars unsupervised.

And whenever he goes on one of those tangents, right?

My favorite thing,

I don't even watch him during his speech,

I like to watch the grownups behind him, right?

Because they have to keep a straight face.

So he's talking about space force,

but behind him, you have the leaders of the Army,

the Navy, Marines and Air Force

and they're standing at attention like,

Space force? What the fuck?

Are you kidding, space force, right?

They're looking at the Air Force guy like, good luck.

Have fun in outer space.

We're only going to the border.

-(audience laughing) -Ah.

During the midterms, Barack Obama came back out.

He was giving speeches.

It was so nice to hear a president talk.

You know what I mean? He was just using big words

and coherent sentences that led to thoughts and I was like,

man, I don't even know what you're talking about,

just keep going.

I just like to listen.

And when Barack Obama first burst into the news

before he was even president, you know,

everybody was like, oh he's so articulate.

He's so articulate.

And I don't really get mad because

I don't think a lot of people realize this,

but that's a bit of an insult in the black community, right?

Like we been speaking English for a long time, you know?

And in particular, he graduated from Harvard University,

so I don't think it's that much of a shock

that he can speak English.

But then I heard Donald Trump giving a speech,

all right, and he was attacked by the word anonymous.

(audience laughing)

It just popped up on the teleprompter

with no warning at all and he was just like,

-the anan, the animus-- -(audience laughing)

the anen, mm, the ah. Right?

And then his followers just started yelling,

fake word, fake word!

(audience laughing, applauding)

Trump followers man, they're angry people.

They're angry (growls) just mad, right?

And I don't respect it and here's why,

because they like to bully people, right?

For example, they have this thing about speak English,

you gotta speak English and now

they're just running up on people in public

telling 'em to speak English,

but they run up on women, see, and I don't respect that.

Like in New York, there were four Puerto Rican women,

speaking Spanish and this white guy runs up,

you better speak English, and I was like,

all right, all right, first of all,

these women are bilingual.

That makes them one language smarter than you, right?

I have the utmost respect for people who are bilingual

because not only do they speak two languages,

they can actually think in another language,

like in the midst of a thought or a sentence,

they can switch languages. That amazes me.

Like, I speak English and bullshit, you know what I mean?

-(audience laughing) -Like, I'll be

in the middle of a sentence and I'll be like,

I better start bullshitting, I'm in trouble, you know?

I can do that, but I don't have two languages, right?

And they were women, you're yelling at women.

You want respect?

Run up on a group of Puerto Rican men

and tell them they'd better speak English.

I don't even know which language they'd say it in,

but they'd be like, man,

we didn't even plan on whipping your ass,

now we gotta whip your ass, finish a pizza

and get back to work on time.

(audience laughing)

The other reason I don't respect the speak English thing

because, and I travel, I'm speaking from experience,

all across America, every major city in the United States

has a Chinatown, right?

And when you go to Chinatown,

everything's written in Chinese,

people are speaking Chinese and nobody

yelling at them to speak English, right?

You start some shit in Chinatown,

your ass will disappear.

(audience laughing)

Right, they don't mess around.

Chinatown is a closed community.

When we go to Chinatown, right,

we're allowed to go to the restaurants, right?

And you're on the major street,

but they always have that little back alley, right?

And you start looking down there like,

no, no, no, no, not for you.

No, no, no, not for you, right?

Well, you go down there talking shit they're like,

-oh, right this way. -(audience laughing)

Oh you come with me, right this way, right?

Next thing you back there

where they keep the gremlins and shit now.

What happened to Joe?

Oh, he's in Chinatown talking shit.

(audience laughing)

Yoga pants.

(audience laughing)

See, we just lightened it up a little bit.

(audience applauding)

Men are clapping because they know.

I love yoga pants.

I don't know who invented yoga pants,

and I don't know the criteria for a Nobel Prize,

but I just think at some point,

the two should come together, you know what I mean?

I'm serious, yoga pants might be the greatest invention

I've seen in my lifetime and I saw a man land on the moon.

-(audience laughing) -This is why yoga pants are great

because everybody loves 'em, everybody loves 'em, right?

Every woman I know wears yoga pants.

Oh, I love yoga pants, they're so comfortable, right?

And men love yoga pants cause, well,

they're yoga pants, you know?

I don't think I have to explain. And we all say the same thing,

a woman will put on yoga pants and she's like,

my ass looks fantastic, right?

And men, we look at yoga pants and we're like,

your ass looks fantastic.

(audience laughing)

I love yoga. You're wearing yoga pants,

I'm gonna follow you around.

(audience laughing)

That's right and don't get mad at me

cause you ain't going to yoga class.

(audience laughing)

Right, you wearing yoga pants in a grocery store,

guess what, you need something in aisle three,

I need something in aisle three.

-(audience laughing) -That's right.

You, me and Lululemon, let's go see what's in aisle three.

(audience laughs)

Me Too.

I like how you guys are picking up on it now.

Like oh, it's about to get heavy again.

I support the Me Too movement.

I get it as well as a man can. Yeah, I do.

Women, I listen to the women's stories.

I'll tell you, like I said, I've been in this business,

I've been in this entertainment business 25 years,

I have never been accused of sexual harassment

on any level and to be honest, I feel somewhat lazy.

-(audience laughing) -As if...

I missed my window of opportunity, you know what I'm saying?

Like it's 2018, can't go waving your dick around in 2018,

but back in the early 2000's,

those seemed like prime dick-waving years.

I just kinda missed it, you know?

Women are like, wait a minute,

is he with us or against us on this one?

(audience laughing)

What's funny to me now, you have men making it about them.

That's the funniest thing in the world,

men are acting like the Me Too movement

is somehow, you know, oh, there's sexual harassment.

I can't even talk to women anymore.

I don't know what to say. How am I supposed to react to women?

Like it's about them.

I remember one guy, yeah, you're all sexual harassment,

fine, you can open your own doors.

That's what he said, you can open,

like in other words, being nice to a women,

opening a door, he somehow equated that

with the inability to sexually harass a woman.

You know as if to say, what?

I can't wave my dick at you?

Well you can open the door yourself.

(audience laughing)

Which I think, most women would be okay with.

(audience laughing)

Women are like, wait a minute, all I gotta do is open doors,

no more random dicks come flying at me?

(audience laughing)

I do man, I don't know why men get upset.

I love it, I love a strong woman.

I support strong because the stronger women are,

the less shit I have to do.

(audience laughing)

That's right, you strong, (screams) there's a bug!

Kill it yourself.

(audience laughing)

I fly every week, right?

I'm on a plane and I don't even, I laugh,

I don't understand why women do this,

but invariably there'll be a woman

who packs her carryon bag too heavy to lift, right?

So now she's standing in the aisle

and she's looking at the bag

and she's looking at the overhead bin, right?

Now I'm already sitting down, you know.

So then she'll look at me and I'm like, you can do it!

(audience laughing)

You're wearing yoga pants,

you lift with the legs, with the legs.

You've been training, I know you can do it.

(audience laughing)

Some women are like, I thought he was with us,

but he's an asshole.

(audience laughing)

Here's my question though with all the Me Too stories,

cause again, I read the stories and I get it,

but here's my question, where's the ass whooping?

None of these women had a big brother

or an uncle or a cousin, somebody, right?

-(audience clapping) -Yeah...

it just seems to me, I just want to read a story like,

I went to work and my boss pulled out his penis

and my brother beat the shit out of him.

Oh, it was the worst ass whooping I've ever,

to this day, my boss pees on his feet

cause he's afraid to touch his own penis.

I've never seen such an ass whooping.

(audience laughing)

Cause I have nieces, and my nieces are in their 20's

and if my niece came to me crying, like,

oh God, I went to work and my boss pulled out his penis,

like, he and I, we gonna have a talk.

And when I get done whooping his ass,

I'ma rub my dick on him.

(audience laughing, applauding)

You know why, you know why?

Cause no straight man will ever report

having had a penis rubbed on him.

No straight man, oh my God, officer,

he beat me, he held me down and then, nothing happened,

I'm sorry, I must have been drinking that day, officer.

Let's tear up that little report.

I also think, and I don't mean to make this racial,

but I also think this is why you hear

so many me too stories from white women

and not many from women of color

because every woman of color has somebody in their family

that ain't afraid to go to jail.

(audience laughing)

Right? And that's who you call in that situation,

you understand?

Like you start messing with a black woman, she like,

don't let me have to call Ray Ray and Jaynut down here.

Don't let me, cause Jaynut just got out.

He'll go back in, he'll whip your ass.

Right, you don't want no trouble with Jaynut,

you know what I'm saying?

Right, Latin women, you can't mess with Latin women.

She's like, I'll call Uncle Chewy.

All right, now the minute Chewy get down here,

he gonna whip your ass, right?

But white women, they don't have that.

You know, who they gonna call? Chad.

(audience laughing)

Chad ain't whipping nobody's ass.

Ain't nobody afraid of Chad.

Man, I rub my dick on Chad.

(audience laughing)

This special's gonna be on the air

and I'm gonna be doing a show somewhere

and just some random guy named Chad

gonna roll in and whip my ass and say,

I'll show you a Chad.

And I'll take that ass whipping for a good joke, I will.

That's what we do.

Oh, I mentioned race, gotta talk about race,

gotta talk about race, weird things going on now.

White women...

stop calling the cops.

White women are calling the cops on black people so much,

I am this close to giving up white women.

-I swear, I'll do it. -(audience laughing)

-I'll do it. -(audience applauding)

I am like three phone calls away, I just--

(audience laughing)

White women are calling the cops on black people

for doing nothing, literally doing nothing.

Two brothers were in a Starbucks in Philadelphia,

not doing anything, they called the cops,

for doing nothing at Starbucks.

You know who's doing nothing at Starbucks?

Everyone.

That's why you go to Starbucks.

Hey, what you doing? I ain't doing nothing.

Let's go to Starbucks.

They built it to do nothing.

Yeah sure, there's always that one asshole

who's got his laptop out and all his papers.

He thinks it's his office,

but other than him, you're doing nothing.

(audience laughing)

They called the cops on a black family

having a barbecue in the park.

You know why that upset me?

Because Mexican families are always

having a barbecue in the park.

At any given moment, there's a Mexican family

barbecuing in the park, right?

They're having a Quinceanera,

they're about to bust a piñata, nobody says a word.

Minute five black people break out some ribs

and an open flame, suddenly we need law enforcement.

They called the cops on a little eight year old black girl

for selling water.

I was like, here's an idea, buy a bottle of water,

take it to the barbecue and make a friend.

You know what I'm saying? You don't need the cops.

And I'm not worried about me, I'm trying to help people.

I ain't worried about me.

Ain't nobody calling the cops on me

cause I know how to stay ahead of the game.

That's right, I figured it out.

You can't call the cops on me, you know why?

Because everything I do, I do at the police station.

(audience laughing)

Now you can't call the cops if I'm already there.

You wanna have coffee?

Meet me at the 17th precinct.

They got a coffee pot and a lobby.

We'll just hang out for a little while, right?

They follow black people around in the mall,

not following me 'cause I don't go to the mall.

Everything I buy, I buy online,

deliver it to the precinct.

(audience laughing)

I just show up with my I.D.

Hello officer, I believe you have a package for me.

Right, he's like, would you stop doing this?

I'm like, wasn't me, it was Siri.

Where's my box? Give me my box.

(audience laughing, applauding)

I stay ahead of the cops, man, stay ahead of the cops.

Sold my car. Got rid of my car.

Drive a pickup truck now. You know why?

-'Cause black people don't drive pickup trucks. -(audience laughing)

I don't know how I didn't think of this 20 years ago.

I'm on the road now, I'm getting away with murder.

I was on the freeway doing 80 miles an hour, cop just waved.

(audience laughing)

I don't stop at stop signs, turn signals,

I don't give a shit, I'm in a truck, right?

One cop, I think he was on to me

'cause he started following me, but I got away

'cause I got an NRA sticker on the back of my truck.

(audience laughing, applauding)

He was like, nah, he going to stand his ground somewhere,

-he's all right. -(audience laughing)

Here's my thing, right?

If you're gonna be racist,

at least be consistent in your racism, okay?

And I'll give you an example of what I mean.

There's a common belief amongst white people

that all large black men are pro athletes, right?

I get this everyday, like, wow, do you play pro football?

Yes, I'm the oldest man in the NFL.

I've been in the league approximately 35 years now and...

But here's my thing, if you're gonna make the assumption

that we're pro athletes, then be consistent

and also assume that if you see us in an expensive store,

we can afford to be there, right?

-In Milwaukee-- -(audience applauding)

Thank you.

In Milwaukee, black man,

six foot eight in a jewelry store

and they called the cops.

If you see a black man, six foot eight, in Milwaukee,

he's in the NBA, all right?

You know how I know? He's in Milwaukee.

Black people ain't just kicking it in Milwaukee,

you know what I'm saying?

You're only an hour from Chicago,

ain't nobody black just hanging out in Milwaukee.

Assume he's a ball player.

At least give him the benefit of the doubt

and assume he's a successful drug dealer, all right?

But he's not stealing anything, too obvious,

too easy to identify.

Again, they're not getting me,

'cause when I'm in an expensive store,

not only am I not stealing anything,

I'm keeping an eye on the white people.

That's right, 'cause I know if something comes up missing,

that's my ass.

I'm looking at white people, hey ah, put it back.

Put it back.

No, you tried it on, now put, I see those sunglasses.

I'm watching your ass, right?

I'm looking at security, like, relax, I got this.

Ain't nothing coming up missing on my shift.

(audience laughing)

(sighs)

So I got one I can't figure out yet.

I'm not sure if this is like heavy weight or light weight.

So I think it's kind of a light weight observation

about a heavy weight topic.

-Gays. -(audience laughing quietly)

Yeah see, you guys are like oh, where's he going with this?

So here's the thing, and I don't know

how I never noticed this before,

but ever since I noticed it, it's bothered me a little bit.

June is Gay Pride month, right?

Everybody knows that. June is Gay Pride month.

And February is Black History month.

How did they get a longer month than us?

(audience laughing)

That just seems something wrong with that.

I'm not anti-gay, I'm just saying

that how did they get a better month?

I don't want to take their month away,

but maybe we should get July,

it has an extra day, something.

Right, because February is a bullshit month.

Nobody likes February.

It's one more month of winter.

It's cold and miserable, meanwhile June is beautiful.

Flowers are blooming, the weather's warm, school let's out.

I'm like, this ain't right, but I don't know who to complain to

'cause I don't know who's in charge of months.

I don't know who handles that, right?

Can't go to the Trump administration.

Imagine telling Trump administration that

the black people are mad at the gays.

They'd be like quick, let's arm both sides.

(audience laughing)

This works out, we can get two months back.

Here's another thing with

the alternative lifestyle community,

they want another Q, all right?

And I'll explain what I mean,

it's L-G-B-T-Q, right?

Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, trans-gender and queer

and it's been that way and it took me time to learn it,

but I've learned it, I respect that.

I will call you whatever you want to be called,

but now they want another Q for question.

And my answer is no.

(audience laughing)

No, I don't buy it. I don't buy the question thing.

Listen, I don't judge, live your life.

I don't care who puts what where, into who,

but the moment it goes in,

your question has been answered.

(audience laughing, applauding)

There is no more question at that point, right?

All you have to do is pay attention to the reaction, okay?

Now if it goes in and you hear like, woo yeah.

That's one answer, right?

And if it goes in and you hear, oh no, oh!

That's another answer.

But one way or the other, we've solved that little mystery,

haven't we?

Ah.

So, I was talking about my nieces.

I love my nieces, I mean they're young, millennials.

I like the millennials.

I used to pick on millennials, everyone's all,

oh, make fun, I don't make fun of millenials.

'Cause you know, I felt guilty, right?

'Cause they can't defend themselves.

(audience laughing)

They have no defenses because they were raised

with no predators, you know what I mean?

So, they never developed any natural defense mechanism.

It's like a house cat outside.

Got no claws, can't climb trees, you know.

And I like 'em, they're good people, you know,

but sometimes I'll see one, I'll see one out in the wild.

Right, and it's all by itself, it's off in the corner,

right and it's looking at its little screen

and it's sad 'cause it doesn't have enough followers, right?

And I walk up and I make noise, I make noise

'cause you can't sneak up on 'em

cause they're used to the screen.

They're not used to real.

So I make noise and I go right up to 'em

and I smile and I give 'em a trophy.

(audience laughing)

And they feel better about themselves.

Oh, you participated, yes.

I do joke about 'em, but I get it.

They're upset, man, they got it rough.

This is the first generation that probably won't

live better than their parents, right?

That sucks. They're the most over educated, underemployed

generation we've ever had.

You know, I joke about coffee shops.

You go to the coffee shop, person behind the counter

has an advanced degree in English, right?

Still can't spell your name, which I don't understand but...

(audience laughing)

but they ain't making enough to pay their student loans

and they're upset and they care.

That's the thing about 'em, they care.

They're genuine, they're not like us greedy,

materialistic generation, right?

They care. Like, I have one niece,

she's like a super-millennial. She's always on a cause, right?

So now, her thing, she wants to save the planet.

Right, she cares and I feel bad

when I tell her that I don't really give a shit

about the planet, right?

Because, for one thing, I don't have kids,

so I'm not really worried about the next generation, right?

And let's be honest, I'm a black man in my 50's.

I got what, like 10 years left?

-(audience reacts) -You know what I'm saying?

Oh, you saying no, statistically,

us black men die in their mid 60's.

Everybody be all, but you look great, you look healthy.

Like yeah, now,

now, but you know, 10 years from now be like,

man, what happened? He died.

From what? Black.

(audience laughing)

Son of a bitch been black his whole life, man,

shit just caught up with him.

We knew it was gonna happen.

You know? And when I die,

when I die, I hope they just let me rest.

Whenever some event's going on,

and the dead person's, and they're like,

well he's there with us.

No, I don't want to be there with you.

I served my time.

Just let me lay there dead.

They're like, we all going to the game well he's with,

no, I'm not with you.

I'm tired, I be resting.

(audience laughing)

I'm sorry, I'm not planning on no long ass life,

not with my health insurance.

(audience laughing)

Every year, my premiums don't go up,

my coverage goes down.

They always hit me with some ridiculous,

so this is the latest thing I got.

I got an email from my health insurance company.

They said, listen, you're out of town,

if you're away from home, if you have an emergency,

you can go to the emergency room.

Otherwise, dial this number

and you can video chat with a doctor.

Yeah, that's what I'm down to, video chat, right?

So now I need surgery and the doctor's gonna be like,

all right, go to the kitchen--

(audience laughing)

Find a very sharp knife, right?

Now they find my ass dead on the kitchen floor.

Like, what happened?

Oh, he lost a signal.

(audience laughing)

He was right in the middle of the procedure

and he lost the signal, he shoulda--

(audience laughing)

No, but getting back to it,

so she wants to save the planet, right?

So I'm a car and motorcycle guy. I love that.

She's like, you need to get an electric car, right?

You need to help the planet, get an electric car.

So I play along, I look.

Do you know a Tesla costs like $90,000?

You know how much gas I can buy for $90,000?

I'm like, man, I drive this pickup truck

around the world for 90 grand.

So she like, wait, no you don't have to get a Tesla,

you don't have to get the Tesla,

you could just get a Prius.

Look at me.

(audience laughing)

Look at me, can you see me driving a damn Prius?

Be like, wow, apparently Alonzo's given up sex.

He really cares about the planet.

He just dropped right out of the pussy game.

He's in a Prius now.

Not driving no damn Prius!

Why is that? Why is it that doing the right thing

is always the most expensive thing in the world, right?

Try to eat healthy, ever try to eat healthy?

I ain't got that kind of money.

Go to a restaurant, a kale salad is like $25.

Right, meanwhile, you go to Taco Bell,

give them $5.00, they hand you a box,

-point at the menu, anything you want. -(audience laughing)

And then we got the chalupas and the laloopa,

just look, we don't even know what the hell it is,

just you know, here's a second box.

Fill that up, we don't give a shit.

And guess what? We'll throw in a gallon of Coke

because Coca Cola is basically free.

I don't know what's in Coca Cola.

It is the cheapest liquid known to man, okay?

Now I'm a little older.

I can remember there used to be a thing called a small Coke.

That doesn't even exist anymore.

You go to 7-11, give 'em $0.99,

they just hand you the hose, fill it up!

Whatever the hell you want, as much as you want.

$0.99 yeah, take a barrel, we don't give a shit.

So I give you a little inside info on that.

So I'm taping this special, right?

Now whenever you tape something,

whenever something's gonna be on air,

the lawyers have to see it.

They have to either read a transcript or watch it.

So they videoed this and they sent it to the lawyers

and the lawyers got back to me and said,

Alonzo, we need to talk about the Taco Bell joke.

(audience laughing)

What? And they said, well, well,

technically a chalupa is a real thing.

So you can't just say chalupas cause that's real

and they said, also, Taco Bell does not sell Coke.

They sell Pepsi products.

And I was like, well that's all well and good,

but Pepsi ain't funny.

Nobody's ever heard a good Pepsi joke.

I'm like, so here's an idea, how about

I do the Coke joke and you do some fancy lawyering

and help me get away with it.

(audience laughing, applauding)

Yeah, and then they, here's what they said,

they said, oh, we have to do some lawyering,

but you video chat with your doctor.

-I said, shut up. -(audience laughing)

So eh, I don't know, man.

It's strange, right?

We live in a strange time in a strange society.

We have a thing now, I call it selective stupidity

because people just choose to be dumb,

to believe anything they want, right?

'Cause everything's about the screen, right?

And thank you for just enjoying the show

and not video, 'cause people, they record everything

on their phone now, right?

People live their whole life through a three inch screen.

They go a concert or a show, they're like, I have to video

and you can't do that.

Don't waste your memory recording stuff like this.

You know why?

'Cause you never know when a cop might be whipping your ass.

Right, now a cop's whipping your ass,

you can't stop the conversation, say,

excuse me officer, I have to delete the comedy show

so that I can record this ass whooping for posterity.

So don't record too much garbage

cause you never know when a cop's gonna whip your ass,

-just saying. -(audience laughing)

White people are looking at me like,

no, we don't have that problem.

(audience laughing)

We'll go ahead and record the comedy.

But yeah, this thing, this social media

and the video generation, it's given away

to this selective stupidity

where people believe what they want, right?

So I was talking with somebody about this

and they were like, well everyone's entitled to an opinion.

I was like, no, you're not,

not if there is somebody who is actually expert

and you're just some clown on social media, right?

So for example, global warming, we have global warming

and climate change and you have scientists,

people who have gone to school,

studied this, measured the temperature of the oceans,

the rise, they measure hurricanes and fires

and all of that, and then there's somebody over here,

well I got 1.6 million followers.

Well you found 1.6 million people as dumb as you.

Like that doesn't make your opinion valid, you know what I mean?

You can't just choose what you want to believe.

Science is science and it's real

and I'm not saying that all of these people

are from the South.

(audience laughing)

I know, that's unfair.

There's a lot of smart people in the South.

I went to Huntsville Alabama.

Huntsville Alabama is the home of NASA.

Yeah, I was in the middle of Alabama

and I saw a rocket and NASA and I was like,

you guys know where you at?

(audience laughing)

No, but I'm not saying, but let's be honest,

now a preponderance of people.

They don't like science.

They love Jesus.

Okay, and I'm not knocking Jesus.

I'm not knocking religion,

but they're not talking about love one another

as you love thyself, Jesus,

they're talking about, they got this angry Jesus.

He just all (growls),

their Jesus don't like anybody, right?

And I'm not anti-religion.

Tell you the truth, I love Jesus.

I hope Jesus comes back,

but I have a specific Jesus I want to see.

I want him to come back as a Mexican named Hay-soos.

-(audience laughing) -That's right.

And not only that, I want him to come back

as a Mexican named Hay-soos, leading the emigrant caravan

and they don't know he's Jesus

til he gets to the Rio Grande River

and he walks right across the top of it.

And I be laughing my ass off.

They be like, I don't think a wall's gonna stop this guy.

(audience laughing)

I respect it. I respect it.

Speaking of religion, I was in Israel this year.

Now this is a fascinating place, okay?

If you haven't been to Israel,

you have to put this on your bucket list.

Israel is amazing and here's why.

Israel is the birthplace

of the world's three major religions, okay?

And we've all heard that, we've seen,

but you don't know it until you actually go there.

When you go to Jerusalem, particularly Old Jerusalem,

and you see how small it is,

that's when it really hits, like wow, this is amazing.

And they coexist and they respect each other,

but they have rules, right?

So like with the Muslims, you have to wear the Hijab, right?

You gotta cover your head and face and stuff, right?

Then with the Jewish people,

you go to the Western Wall, you have to cover your head,

you have to wear a hat or a Yamaka, which is a little difficult

when you've got nothing to pin it to, you know what I'm saying?

I got no friction, but I respect it, so you do it, right?

But then you go to the church or the Holy Sepulchre,

the Christian Church, which they believe

where Jesus was crucified and you can't cover your head.

You have to not wear your hat, not wear anything.

And I respect it and I'm listening to all this

and I got to thinking and I was like,

you really think it comes down to your hat?

You know what I mean? Do you think like on judgment day,

you're gonna meet God and he's gonna be like,

listen, you're a great person.

You did some really good things, but uh,

you wore the wrong hat.

(audience laughing)

I mean, I'd love to let you in here,

but rules are rules, right?

Or maybe it's like, yeah, you shouldn't

have been wearing the hat, but you were.

It's gonna be hot down there,

might wanna bring your hat with you.

(audience laughing)

I do those jokes and people like,

man, you shouldn't joke about religion.

Shouldn't joke about Jesus.

You think Jesus doesn't,

you think God doesn't have a sense of humor?

I guarantee you Jesus and God, there's a sense of humor.

I'm sure Jesus is like, (laughing)

hey God, he was chasing him with the chainsaw.

That was a good one, that was a good one.

I like how you made the grass wet.

That was funny.

(audience laughing)

Israel, again, fascinating.

The tour book for Israel is the Bible, okay?

When you travel through Israel, yeah, yeah,

it's actually like this is where it happened, you know?

And again, you have to be there to get it, right?

So we were in a town called Beit Shemesh

and we get there and they're like,

yeah, this is where David fought Goliath.

What?

And they're like yeah, this is where David,

I was like, what?

Like I'm impressed with a UFC fight,

you know what I'm saying?

Like they had David versus Goliath, you know?

And they're like, yeah, right up there,

up the hill, that's where Samson got his hair cut

and then go over there, down in the valley,

that's the river, that's where Jesus was baptized.

Like this is all real and I'm fascinated

and the Jewish people, you know,

Israel, they've been through a lot of shit

and they don't mind telling you about it.

Oh, they got a lot of stories, man.

We were wandering the desert, I'm like,

oh, this is gonna be a long one.

(audience laughing)

But I respect it, you know,

they've been through a lot, but they're going on and on,

but after a while, I'm like,

well you know, wait a minute now,

you're not the only people who've been through some shit.

You know what I'm saying? Black people, like we've been,

like I'm thinking, I'm black American, you know.

We had slavery, right?

So in the back of my mind, I'm like,

I'm gonna play the slave card.

Right, when there's a little lull in the conversation,

I'm gonna throw slavery in here.

So sure enough there's a moment and I said,

sir, I respect everything you've been through,

I said, but you know, we black people, we were slaves.

He didn't miss a beat, looked right at me.

How many times?

Oh!

I forget, and he's like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you see those pyramids?

Yeah, you thought cotton was heavy?

I was like, shit.

(audience laughing)

I've been out slaved.

Kanye!

(audience laughing)

I'm Alonzo Bodden, thank you guys for laughing.

Thanks for coming out.

Thank you.

Have a good night.

(audience cheering, applauding)

That's great, thank you.

-(audience applauding) -(cheery jazzy music)