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- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the stage,

Mr. Alonzo Bodden!

(crowd cheering,
applauding)

- Thank you guys.

Wow.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you, sit, sit.

Sit, sit, you'll get tired.

-Sit.
-(audience laughs)

How you doing?
Thank you guys for coming out.

We're gonna have a great time.

I'm recording a
special, you know,

and I love doing comedy and
people talk to be about this.

They're like, yeah man,
but you do topical comedy.

You talk about the news.

Is it still gonna be
funny when we see it?

-Yeah.
-(audience laughing)

Yeah, unless we like
solve racism or you know,

suddenly Trump becomes a genius.

(audience laughing)

I think most of this
will still work.

I love being a comic.

I've been in the game
for 25 years now and--

-(audience cheers)
-Yeah, thank you.

-I love--
-(audience applauding)

I love what I do and I love
people's reaction, right?

Because when people hear
your comedy they're like,

yeah, yeah, you guys
are funny on stage,

but off stage, you guys
are all fucked up, right?

Right, like you guys got
all kind of mental problems

and all kind of stuff, right?

And I was like, yeah, yeah.

But you know, it's kind
of situational, right?

So let me explain,
I'll give you an example.

A few months ago,
I was in Boston

and Dave Chappelle
and John Stewart

were doing a show, right?

Now I know Dave, but I'm
not gonna sit up here

and pretend we're best
of friends, you know,

but I like Dave, but I
know, like if I call Dave

and want to come to the show,
I might hear from him in a day,

I might not hear
from him for a month.

So I bought tickets
to go to the show.

So the day before the show,

I find out a friend of mine,
a guy named Will Silvens,

is opening the show,
so I call Will.

He's like, yeah man, great,
we'd love to have you.

He said, do you need tickets?

And I said, well yeah,
I needed tickets $500 ago.

You know, but I got tickets now.

But he said, yeah,
come hang out.

So I go in, I hang out,
I meet John Stewart.

I never met him before.

Michael Che was
doing a guest spot.

Che was there and we were
all just hanging out, right?

Now you see, here's the point,

we're all comics, we're hanging
out, having a good time.

They called me out on stage
and it ain't about, you know,

who's famous or who has the
most money or any of that,

we're just, we're all comics
having a good time, right?

Then it comes time to leave
and we go out the back

and there's a row
of Escalades, right?

Each one of them
had an Escalade

to take 'em to the hotel which
is only three blocks away

and I had an Uber.

(audience laughing)

Right, so now, now is where
the depression comes in

cause now I'm thinking like,
where did I go wrong in life?

You know what I'm saying?
What did I do wrong?

They're in Escalades and
I got an Uber, you know?

So they invited me
back the next night

and I go back and we
hang out, same thing,

we're having a good
time, we're laughing,

but it's getting late, right?

And Dave's manager
was like, Dave,

you gotta hurry up, your
plane is waiting, right?

And I was like, your plane?

Now I don't know
if Dave had a plane

or if they chartered
a plane or what,

but in my head, in
my head, I'm like,

Dave got a plane...

and I got an Uber.

(audience laughing)

Right, so this is Wednesday.

Now my shows, they
don't start til Friday.

So all day Thursday I
don't have anything to do,

but be in my head wondering

where I went wrong
in life, you know?

Just, man, I ain't funny.

I got an Uber, you know.

So now it's Friday night and
I'm about to start my shows

and it's nasty night out,
it's pouring rain

and all this and all that
and I'm in the greenroom

waiting to go on and
the opener came in, right?

And he was all soaked
and he was like,

man, I was on the bus stop.

And I was like, bus stop?

(audience laughing)

'Cause I got an Uber.

(crowd laughing,
applauding)

So it's like situational cause
we do, it's human nature.

You're always
aspiring to do great

and you're looking up there,

but every now and then
you gotta look down

and say, well at
least I'm not you.

(audience laughing)

I love being a
comic, but now man,

strange times to do
comedy, tough time.

'Cause people are angry.
(grunts) Right?

People are just mad
and they walk around

looking for reasons
to be mad, right?

Everybody's protesting
something, right?

Like Colin Kapernick
and Nike, right?

So Colin Kapernick,

he came out and he
said specifically what
he was protesting.

He said, I'm protesting
racial injustice

in the legal system and
cops killing black people.

-That's what he said, but what--
-(audience applauding)

Yeah, he's right, he's right,

but what people heard was,

I hate the troops and
fuck America, right?

They just decided that's
what they were gonna hear,

so they can get mad, right?

And then,
I'm burning up my Nike's.

Like, you think
Nike gives a shit?

You already paid for 'em.

Nike's like, you should
burn some more Nike's.

You should get like
50 pair and just

start a bonfire, you know?

You know and then of course
they question you as a comic.

Oh, you support Kapernick?

I was like, man, I
support Kapernick so much,

I wish I had smaller feet
so I could buy little Nike's

to put in a big Nike
and wear two at at time.

That's how much--

(audience laughing)

People are mad
and they just feel

they can get in your
face and be mad, right?

Oh you a black comic, you
gonna do that black stuff?

Gonna do that black stuff?
Oh, all that black
lives matter, right?

You think black lives matter.

I'm like yeah.
Right?

Why?
'Cause I have one.

(audience laughing)

Come at me with
nothing stupid.

And here's the other
reason that it's honestly,

it's tough to be a comic
because as a comedian,

my job is to create
a reality funnier

than the reality we live in

which becomes more and
more impossible every day.

I'm a news junkie, right?

I like reading the news.

I read a story in the news,
I'm not making this up.

You can look it up for yourself.

It said that a man was
run over by a lawnmower

while chasing his
son with a chainsaw.

You understand?

And when you see that
headline, you have to read it.

You can't be like, oh, I
don't care what happened.

-No, you--
-(audience laughing)

You have to, and I, the
family, they'd been feuding

and the father was chasing his
son with a chainsaw, right?

And he slipped in the
grass and his son was like,

oh, and turned the
lawnmower around

and ran his ass
over and I'm like,

I can't be funnier than that.

That's Bugs Bunny.

That's straight out of
a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Oh s'cuse me a minute.

Somebody was supposed
to have this open.

(audience laughing)

Now I'ma make the
opening act do it.

So I feel better about me.

I'm like, yeah, when
I walk out there,
my water better be open.

(audience laughing)

Ah.

Cannot be funnier
than reality.

Kanye.

(audience laughing)

See? Half of you just
wrote your own joke.

(audience laughing)

You're just sitting there, like,

relax Alonzo, we got this.

(audience laughing)

I don't even know what to
tell you about Kanye West.

I'll tell you this, it is
hard enough to be black

without Kanye West.

(audience laughing)

Because the day that
Kanye gave his speech

or manifesto or
whatever it was,

all across America,
white people looked

at the nearest black
person and just went...

(audience laughing)

As if we had an explanation.

You know and I'm
standing there like,

this is the first
I've heard of it.

I wasn't prepared for
questions, I'm sorry.

They asked, what's
going on with Kanye.

I was like,
that nigga's crazy.

That's all I got.

That's the best
explanation, that nigga's,

that's a crazy
nigga right there.

I don't drop the N bomb
on white people too often,

but there was really
no other explanation.

You know, so the minute
I say that nigga's crazy,

the follow up question, you
know, from white people like,

well how come black
people can say nigga

and white people can't?
Okay?

And I thought about
it and here's why.

Let me explain to you.

Because the word nigga
in the black community

has no racial connotation
to it, you understand?

It's just a word that we use.

So that's not the insult.

The insult is the
word after that.

You gotta listen
for the third word

to find out
what we mean, right?

So if I say like,
that nigga's crazy,

he's like, you think
I have mental issues?

Like you see?

See it's the third
word that throws 'em up.

Man, that nigga's fat.

Like, you think
I'm over weight?

You see, every now and
then I mess with people.

I be like, that
nigga's a racist.

They're like,
now wait a minute.

(audience laughing)

Not sure how that one works.

(audience laughing)

But see that's black people.

Now white people, you're
not allowed to say that.

'Cause white people
be like, that ni--

and that's as far
as you're gonna get.

(audience laughing)

You ain't gonna get to
the second syllable.

Don't even worry
about the third word.

But Kanye, I mean
I couldn't believe.

It was insane.

Kanye's speech was so
crazy that Donald Trump

was looking at him like, wow.

Wow, he's better
at it than me.

This makes no sense at all.

Kanye West said that we should
repeal the 13th amendment.

For those who don't know,

that's the one that
freed the slaves, right?

And I'm like, look,
if we gotta give one back...

(audience laughing)

You know what I'm saying?
Maybe not that one.

Like let's give up the
right to vote or something,

but let's just not give back
the slave amendment, you know?

'Cause once slavery comes back,

the rest of 'em are pretty
much academic, you know?

Yeah, they bring back slavery,
we ain't too worried about

sitting at the lunch
counter anymore.

It's insane and it
comes at you so fast,

you can't keep up anymore.

You can't keep up
with the news cycle.

Here is the thing about Kanye.

Kanye knocked Kavanaugh
right outta the news.

The Kavanaugh hearings
just, and we were like,

Kavanaugh, that was like
four years ago, right?

Like he's been on
the Supreme Court

for nine years now, right?

No, it was one week,
but we're so bombarded

and I watched the Kavanaugh
hearings and I'll tell ya this.

There is such a thing
as white privilege, right?

And I know what that is,

but Kavanaugh, that was
a whole different level

because he, basically,
he had a job interview

with the United States Senate

and he started yelling at them.

He was yelling at
the United States Senate.

I don't like these hearings and
this while thing is a farce.

I like beer.

(audience laughing)

Right? And even
white people are like,

wow, can you do that,
can you yell at?

Can you yell at senators now?

I didn't know.

He said, I like beer
at a job interview.

(audience laughing)

You can't say that at
a McDonald's job interview.

You go to McDonald's,
you're like, I like beer,

and they're like,
we're not hiring.

(audience laughing,
applauding)

Thank you, thank you.

And here's my problem,

whenever they have any of
these congressional hearings,

senate hearings,
this is why it's all a show

because they never
call bullshit, right?

We recognize bullshit.
You know it when you hear it.

It's right there and they
have protocol or whatever.

They won't say it.

So he's doing this.

He said, yeah, I drank beer.

I like to drink beer,
but I never passed out.

I did fall asleep.

(audience laughing)

And I'm sitting at home
like, yeah, that's bullshit.

I recognize it.
That's bullshit, right?

That's like saying,
man, I hate hamburgers.

I don't like hamburgers,
but I do like

a nice hot ground beef
sandwich every now and then.

Oh a hot ground beef
sandwich sounds delicious

-right about--
-(audience laughing)

And no matter how
inane the premise,

no matter how crazy
the person is,

they can always
find supporters,

this is the thing
about America.

I don't know where
they find these people,

but they always find support.

So Kavanaugh is accused
of attempted rape

and sexual harassment,
and they find women

to support him, right?
Women for Kavanaugh.

And I was listening to him
and one of them actually said,

yeah, yeah, okay, he was
accused of attempted rape,

but what high school
boy hasn't done that?

And I'm watching TV like, me.

Me, no, no, no
attempted rape, like no.

I may have snapped a bra
strap here and there,

but there was
no attempted rape.

Wasn't like we
just out joy riding

and one guy like, yo man,
we should attempt rape.

(mocks screeching tires)
Get out the car.

No, we ain't, no.

(audience laughing)

All right, I'll lighten it up.

I'll lighten it up.

Have to lighten it
up cause, you know,

it's a comedy show.

If I do too much heavy
stuff, you guys get all mad.

(grumbling) Right?
And then you go leave all crazy,

so what I like to do, I'll
give you some heavy stuff,

then I'll give you
something light,

give you something light
weight and you just, ah.

Then I'm gonna hit you
with the heavy stuff,

make sure you're paying
attention, all right?

I got a new iPhone,
got a new iPhone.

Cost somewhere between
$1,200 and $15,000.

(audience laughing)

I don't know how much it
cost because Siri bought it.

Siri has reached a point, she
doesn't need me anymore, see?

Siri has my identification
information,

my passwords, my credit cards.

She don't need me, right?

I was just looking at
the phone and I'm online

checking it out
and Siri was like,

oh, do you want a new iPhone?

And I was like, well,
you know, I'm not sure.

I'm still checking out.

She said, no, you
need a new iPhone

because your phone is
gonna stop working,

-now.
-(audience laughing)

And phone just went
to shit, just done.

(audience laughing)

You know, and then you have
the Samsung people like,

why don't you get
a Samsung phone?

Can't get a Samsung phone
cause I have all the I stuff.

I got the iMac and the iPad,

you can't just bring
home a Samsung.

Siri ain't
putting up with that.

I found that out.

I got the Alexa.
I got the Amazon Alexa.

So now I have Alexa in my
kitchen and Siri on my phone.

Can't have two women
living in the same house.

(audience applauding)

Right?
Siri is not happy at all.

Suddenly this new young
woman has moved in,

seems to know everything.

Right, like hey Siri, what's
the weather gonna be like?

Why don't you ask that bitch?

(audience laughing)

I didn't know it was going
to be a problem, Siri.

Well you shoulda asked me before
you brought the bitch home.

Now she gets mad at me, she'll
just buy things at random.

I came home one day,

just a crate of tampons
on the front door.

Now Siri, this ain't funny.

Right, and Alexa don't
make it any better.

She just sit up there
talking smack like,

I'm young, I look good, I can
buy you anything you want.

It's like,
would you stop it?

Siri's right here.

She's just,
wait'll she powers down.

Ah, I don't know.

Donald Trump.

Oh, just got heavy again.

Don't want to talk
about Trump, have to.

Don't want to, have to,
it's a rule.

Whenever three or more
people gather in a room,

you must discuss
Donald Trump, right?

Now don't worry, I'm not
gonna do a whole bunch

of Trump jokes because I
can't actually be funnier

than Donald Trump is
every day.

You know what I'm saying?
Game recognizes game.

(audience laughing)

I'm writing a joke,
he's telling the truth

and I'm like, man
you're good, you yeah.

You win again.

At the mid-term elections,

Donald Trump said
there was voter fraud.

He said there were a
bunch of people that voted

multiple times by
changing clothes.

Yeah, that was the strategy,
not fake I.D. or any of that,

just changing, as if I went
in the morning and said,

hi, I'm Alonzo Bodden
and I'm here to vote,

and they were like yeah,
and I signed the little thing

and they said, go ahead,
and I go vote, right?

Then I come back two
hours later, I'm like,

hi I'm Alonzo Bodden
and I'm here to vote.

And they're like,
you already voted and I said,

no, no, no, sir,
that Alonzo Bodden

was wearing a black shirt.

As you notice, I am
wearing a gray shirt.

And as if they were so
dumb, they were like,

you're right, right this way.

And I'm like, now,
a few hours from now,

you may see another
Alonzo Bodden,

but he'll be wearing
a plaid shirt.

I can't out Trump, Trump.

I will be writing a
joke and he'll just win.

I was writing.
I was doing my job,
my work writing jokes.

I'm writing some kind of
White House, Stormy Daniels,

porn star joke and I
always have the news on

in the background, right?

And I'm writing, all
I hear is, space force.

(audience laughing)

Space force?

We fighting shit
from outer space?

Space force, like who let him
watch Star Wars unsupervised.

And whenever he goes on one
of those tangents, right?

My favorite thing,

I don't even watch
him during his speech,

I like to watch the
grownups behind him, right?

Because they have to
keep a straight face.

So he's talking
about space force,

but behind him, you have
the leaders of the Army,

the Navy, Marines
and Air Force

and they're standing
at attention like,

Space force?
What the fuck?

Are you kidding,
space force, right?

They're looking at the Air
Force guy like, good luck.

Have fun in outer space.

We're only going
to the border.

-(audience laughing)
-Ah.

During the midterms,
Barack Obama came back out.

He was giving speeches.

It was so nice to
hear a president talk.

You know what I mean?
He was just using big words

and coherent sentences that
led to thoughts and I was like,

man, I don't even know
what you're talking about,

just keep going.

I just like to listen.

And when Barack Obama
first burst into the news

before he was even
president, you know,

everybody was like,
oh he's so articulate.

He's so articulate.

And I don't really
get mad because

I don't think a lot of
people realize this,

but that's a bit of an insult
in the black community, right?

Like we been speaking English
for a long time, you know?

And in particular, he graduated
from Harvard University,

so I don't think it's
that much of a shock

that he can speak English.

But then I heard Donald
Trump giving a speech,

all right, and he was attacked
by the word anonymous.

(audience laughing)

It just popped up
on the teleprompter

with no warning at all
and he was just like,

-the anan, the animus--
-(audience laughing)

the anen, mm, the ah.
Right?

And then his followers
just started yelling,

fake word, fake word!

(audience laughing,
applauding)

Trump followers man,
they're angry people.

They're angry (growls)
just mad, right?

And I don't respect
it and here's why,

because they like to
bully people, right?

For example, they have this
thing about speak English,

you gotta speak
English and now

they're just running up
on people in public

telling 'em to speak English,

but they run up on women,
see, and I don't respect that.

Like in New York, there were
four Puerto Rican women,

speaking Spanish and
this white guy runs up,

you better speak
English, and I was like,

all right, all
right, first of all,

these women are bilingual.

That makes them one language
smarter than you, right?

I have the utmost respect
for people who are bilingual

because not only do they
speak two languages,

they can actually think
in another language,

like in the midst of a
thought or a sentence,

they can switch languages.
That amazes me.

Like, I speak
English and bullshit,
you know what I mean?

-(audience laughing)
-Like, I'll be

in the middle of a
sentence and I'll be like,

I better start bullshitting,
I'm in trouble, you know?

I can do that, but I don't
have two languages, right?

And they were women,
you're yelling at women.

You want respect?

Run up on a group
of Puerto Rican men

and tell them they'd
better speak English.

I don't even know which
language they'd say it in,

but they'd be like, man,

we didn't even plan
on whipping your ass,

now we gotta whip your
ass, finish a pizza

and get back to work on time.

(audience laughing)

The other reason I don't
respect the speak English thing

because, and I travel,
I'm speaking from experience,

all across America,
every major city
in the United States

has a Chinatown, right?

And when you go to Chinatown,

everything's written in Chinese,

people are speaking
Chinese and nobody

yelling at them to
speak English, right?

You start some
shit in Chinatown,

your ass will disappear.

(audience laughing)

Right, they don't mess around.

Chinatown is
a closed community.

When we go to
Chinatown, right,

we're allowed to go
to the restaurants, right?

And you're on
the major street,

but they always have
that little back alley, right?

And you start looking
down there like,

no, no, no, no,
not for you.

No, no, no,
not for you, right?

Well, you go down there
talking shit they're like,

-oh, right this way.
-(audience laughing)

Oh you come with me,
right this way, right?

Next thing you back there

where they keep
the gremlins and shit now.

What happened to Joe?

Oh, he's in Chinatown
talking shit.

(audience laughing)

Yoga pants.

(audience laughing)

See, we just lightened
it up a little bit.

(audience applauding)

Men are clapping
because they know.

I love yoga pants.

I don't know who
invented yoga pants,

and I don't know the
criteria for a Nobel Prize,

but I just think
at some point,

the two should come together,
you know what I mean?

I'm serious, yoga pants might
be the greatest invention

I've seen in my lifetime and
I saw a man land on the moon.

-(audience laughing)
-This is why yoga pants
are great

because everybody loves 'em,
everybody loves 'em, right?

Every woman I know
wears yoga pants.

Oh, I love yoga pants,
they're so comfortable, right?

And men love yoga
pants cause, well,

they're yoga pants,
you know?

I don't think I have to explain.
And we all say the same thing,

a woman will put on yoga
pants and she's like,

my ass looks fantastic, right?

And men, we look at yoga
pants and we're like,

your ass looks fantastic.

(audience laughing)

I love yoga.
You're wearing yoga pants,

I'm gonna follow you around.

(audience laughing)

That's right and
don't get mad at me

cause you ain't
going to yoga class.

(audience laughing)

Right, you wearing yoga
pants in a grocery store,

guess what, you need
something in aisle three,

I need something
in aisle three.

-(audience laughing)
-That's right.

You, me and Lululemon, let's
go see what's in aisle three.

(audience laughs)

Me Too.

I like how you guys
are picking up on it now.

Like oh, it's about
to get heavy again.

I support the Me Too movement.

I get it as well as a man can.
Yeah, I do.

Women, I listen to
the women's stories.

I'll tell you, like I said,
I've been in this business,

I've been in this entertainment
business 25 years,

I have never been accused
of sexual harassment

on any level and to be
honest, I feel somewhat lazy.

-(audience laughing)
-As if...

I missed my window
of opportunity, you
know what I'm saying?

Like it's 2018, can't go waving
your dick around in 2018,

but back in the early 2000's,

those seemed like prime
dick-waving years.

I just kinda missed
it, you know?

Women are like, wait a minute,

is he with us or
against us on this one?

(audience laughing)

What's funny to me now, you
have men making it about them.

That's the funniest
thing in the world,

men are acting like
the Me Too movement

is somehow, you know,
oh, there's sexual harassment.

I can't even talk
to women anymore.

I don't know what to say.
How am I supposed
to react to women?

Like it's about them.

I remember one guy, yeah,
you're all sexual harassment,

fine, you can open
your own doors.

That's what he said,
you can open,

like in other words,
being nice to a women,

opening a door,
he somehow equated that

with the inability to
sexually harass a woman.

You know as if to say, what?

I can't wave my dick at you?

Well you can open
the door yourself.

(audience laughing)

Which I think, most
women would be okay with.

(audience laughing)

Women are like, wait a minute,
all I gotta do is open doors,

no more random dicks
come flying at me?

(audience laughing)

I do man, I don't know
why men get upset.

I love it, I love
a strong woman.

I support strong because
the stronger women are,

the less shit I have to do.

(audience laughing)

That's right, you strong,
(screams) there's a bug!

Kill it yourself.

(audience laughing)

I fly every week, right?

I'm on a plane and
I don't even, I laugh,

I don't understand
why women do this,

but invariably
there'll be a woman

who packs her carryon bag
too heavy to lift, right?

So now she's
standing in the aisle

and she's looking at the bag

and she's looking at
the overhead bin, right?

Now I'm already
sitting down, you know.

So then she'll look at me
and I'm like, you can do it!

(audience laughing)

You're wearing yoga pants,

you lift with the legs,
with the legs.

You've been training,
I know you can do it.

(audience laughing)

Some women are like,
I thought he was with us,

but he's an asshole.

(audience laughing)

Here's my question though
with all the Me Too stories,

cause again, I read the
stories and I get it,

but here's my question,
where's the ass whooping?

None of these women
had a big brother

or an uncle or a cousin,
somebody, right?

-(audience clapping)
-Yeah...

it just seems to me, I just
want to read a story like,

I went to work and my
boss pulled out his penis

and my brother beat
the shit out of him.

Oh, it was the worst
ass whooping I've ever,

to this day, my boss
pees on his feet

cause he's afraid to
touch his own penis.

I've never seen such
an ass whooping.

(audience laughing)

Cause I have nieces, and
my nieces are in their 20's

and if my niece came
to me crying, like,

oh God, I went to work and
my boss pulled out his penis,

like, he and I, we
gonna have a talk.

And when I get done
whooping his ass,

I'ma rub my dick on him.

(audience laughing,
applauding)

You know why, you know why?

Cause no straight
man will ever report

having had a penis
rubbed on him.

No straight man,
oh my God, officer,

he beat me, he held me down
and then, nothing happened,

I'm sorry, I must have been
drinking that day, officer.

Let's tear up that
little report.

I also think, and I don't
mean to make this racial,

but I also think
this is why you hear

so many me too stories
from white women

and not many from women of color

because every woman of color
has somebody in their family

that ain't afraid to go to jail.

(audience laughing)

Right? And that's who you
call in that situation,

you understand?

Like you start messing with
a black woman, she like,

don't let me have to call
Ray Ray and Jaynut down here.

Don't let me, cause
Jaynut just got out.

He'll go back in,
he'll whip your ass.

Right, you don't want
no trouble with Jaynut,

you know what I'm saying?

Right, Latin women, you
can't mess with Latin women.

She's like,
I'll call Uncle Chewy.

All right, now the minute
Chewy get down here,

he gonna whip your ass, right?

But white women,
they don't have that.

You know, who they
gonna call? Chad.

(audience laughing)

Chad ain't whipping
nobody's ass.

Ain't nobody afraid of Chad.

Man, I rub my dick on Chad.

(audience laughing)

This special's
gonna be on the air

and I'm gonna be
doing a show somewhere

and just some random
guy named Chad

gonna roll in and
whip my ass and say,

I'll show you a Chad.

And I'll take that ass whipping
for a good joke, I will.

That's what we do.

Oh, I mentioned race,
gotta talk about race,

gotta talk about race,
weird things going on now.

White women...

stop calling the cops.

White women are calling the
cops on black people so much,

I am this close to
giving up white women.

-I swear, I'll do it.
-(audience laughing)

-I'll do it.
-(audience applauding)

I am like three phone
calls away, I just--

(audience laughing)

White women are calling
the cops on black people

for doing nothing,
literally doing nothing.

Two brothers were in a
Starbucks in Philadelphia,

not doing anything,
they called the cops,

for doing nothing at Starbucks.

You know who's doing
nothing at Starbucks?

Everyone.

That's why you
go to Starbucks.

Hey, what you doing?
I ain't doing nothing.

Let's go to Starbucks.

They built it to do nothing.

Yeah sure, there's
always that one asshole

who's got his laptop
out and all his papers.

He thinks it's his office,

but other than him,
you're doing nothing.

(audience laughing)

They called the cops
on a black family

having a barbecue
in the park.

You know why that upset me?

Because Mexican
families are always

having a barbecue
in the park.

At any given moment,
there's a Mexican family

barbecuing in the park, right?

They're having a Quinceanera,

they're about to bust a
piñata, nobody says a word.

Minute five black people
break out some ribs

and an open flame, suddenly
we need law enforcement.

They called the cops on
a little eight year old
black girl

for selling water.

I was like, here's an idea,
buy a bottle of water,

take it to the barbecue
and make a friend.

You know what I'm saying?
You don't need the cops.

And I'm not worried about me,
I'm trying to help people.

I ain't worried about me.

Ain't nobody calling
the cops on me

cause I know how to
stay ahead of the game.

That's right, I figured it out.

You can't call the cops
on me, you know why?

Because everything I do,
I do at the police station.

(audience laughing)

Now you can't call the
cops if I'm already there.

You wanna have coffee?

Meet me at the 17th precinct.

They got a coffee pot
and a lobby.

We'll just hang out for
a little while, right?

They follow black people
around in the mall,

not following me 'cause
I don't go to the mall.

Everything I buy,
I buy online,

deliver it to the precinct.

(audience laughing)

I just show up with my I.D.

Hello officer, I believe
you have a package for me.

Right, he's like, would
you stop doing this?

I'm like, wasn't me,
it was Siri.

Where's my box?
Give me my box.

(audience laughing,
applauding)

I stay ahead of the cops, man,
stay ahead of the cops.

Sold my car.
Got rid of my car.

Drive a pickup truck now.
You know why?

-'Cause black people
don't drive pickup trucks.
-(audience laughing)

I don't know how I didn't
think of this 20 years ago.

I'm on the road now, I'm
getting away with murder.

I was on the freeway doing 80
miles an hour, cop just waved.

(audience laughing)

I don't stop at stop
signs, turn signals,

I don't give a shit,
I'm in a truck, right?

One cop, I think
he was on to me

'cause he started following
me, but I got away

'cause I got an NRA sticker
on the back of my truck.

(audience laughing,
applauding)

He was like, nah, he going to
stand his ground somewhere,

-he's all right.
-(audience laughing)

Here's my thing, right?

If you're gonna be racist,

at least be consistent
in your racism, okay?

And I'll give you an
example of what I mean.

There's a common belief
amongst white people

that all large black men
are pro athletes, right?

I get this everyday, like,
wow, do you play pro football?

Yes, I'm the oldest
man in the NFL.

I've been in the league
approximately 35 years
now and...

But here's my thing, if you're
gonna make the assumption

that we're pro athletes,
then be consistent

and also assume that if you
see us in an expensive store,

we can afford to
be there, right?

-In Milwaukee--
-(audience applauding)

Thank you.

In Milwaukee, black man,

six foot eight
in a jewelry store

and they called the cops.

If you see a black man,
six foot eight, in Milwaukee,

he's in the NBA, all right?

You know how I know?
He's in Milwaukee.

Black people ain't just
kicking it in Milwaukee,

you know what I'm saying?

You're only an
hour from Chicago,

ain't nobody black just
hanging out in Milwaukee.

Assume he's a ball player.

At least give him
the benefit of the doubt

and assume he's a successful
drug dealer, all right?

But he's not stealing
anything, too obvious,

too easy to identify.

Again, they're not
getting me,

'cause when I'm in
an expensive store,

not only am I not
stealing anything,

I'm keeping an eye
on the white people.

That's right, 'cause I know
if something comes up missing,

that's my ass.

I'm looking at white people,
hey ah, put it back.

Put it back.

No, you tried it on, now
put, I see those sunglasses.

I'm watching your ass, right?

I'm looking at security,
like, relax, I got this.

Ain't nothing coming
up missing on my shift.

(audience laughing)

(sighs)

So I got one I can't
figure out yet.

I'm not sure if this is like
heavy weight or light weight.

So I think it's kind of
a light weight observation

about a heavy weight topic.

-Gays.
-(audience laughing quietly)

Yeah see, you guys are like
oh, where's he going with this?

So here's the thing,
and I don't know

how I never
noticed this before,

but ever since I noticed it,
it's bothered me a little bit.

June is Gay Pride month, right?

Everybody knows that.
June is Gay Pride month.

And February is
Black History month.

How did they get
a longer month than us?

(audience laughing)

That just seems something
wrong with that.

I'm not anti-gay,
I'm just saying

that how did they
get a better month?

I don't want to take
their month away,

but maybe we should get July,

it has an extra day, something.

Right, because February
is a bullshit month.

Nobody likes February.

It's one more
month of winter.

It's cold and miserable,
meanwhile June is beautiful.

Flowers are blooming,
the weather's warm,
school let's out.

I'm like, this ain't right, but
I don't know who to complain to

'cause I don't know who's
in charge of months.

I don't know who
handles that, right?

Can't go to the
Trump administration.

Imagine telling Trump
administration that

the black people
are mad at the gays.

They'd be like quick,
let's arm both sides.

(audience laughing)

This works out, we can
get two months back.

Here's another thing with

the alternative
lifestyle community,

they want another Q,
all right?

And I'll explain what I mean,

it's L-G-B-T-Q, right?

Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual,
trans-gender and queer

and it's been that way and
it took me time to learn it,

but I've learned it,
I respect that.

I will call you whatever
you want to be called,

but now they want
another Q for question.

And my answer is no.

(audience laughing)

No, I don't buy it.
I don't buy the question thing.

Listen, I don't judge,
live your life.

I don't care who puts
what where, into who,

but the moment it goes in,

your question has been answered.

(audience laughing,
applauding)

There is no more question
at that point, right?

All you have to do is pay
attention to the reaction, okay?

Now if it goes in and
you hear like, woo yeah.

That's one answer, right?

And if it goes in and
you hear, oh no, oh!

That's another answer.

But one way or the other, we've
solved that little mystery,

haven't we?

Ah.

So, I was talking
about my nieces.

I love my nieces, I mean
they're young, millennials.

I like the millennials.

I used to pick on
millennials, everyone's all,

oh, make fun, I don't
make fun of millenials.

'Cause you know,
I felt guilty, right?

'Cause they can't
defend themselves.

(audience laughing)

They have no defenses
because they were raised

with no predators,
you know what I mean?

So, they never developed
any natural defense mechanism.

It's like a house cat outside.

Got no claws,
can't climb trees, you know.

And I like 'em, they're
good people, you know,

but sometimes I'll see one,
I'll see one out in the wild.

Right, and it's all by itself,
it's off in the corner,

right and it's looking
at its little screen

and it's sad 'cause it doesn't
have enough followers, right?

And I walk up and
I make noise, I make noise

'cause you can't
sneak up on 'em

cause they're used
to the screen.

They're not used to real.

So I make noise
and I go right up to 'em

and I smile and
I give 'em a trophy.

(audience laughing)

And they feel better
about themselves.

Oh, you participated, yes.

I do joke about 'em,
but I get it.

They're upset, man,
they got it rough.

This is the first generation
that probably won't

live better than
their parents, right?

That sucks.
They're the most over
educated, underemployed

generation we've ever had.

You know, I joke
about coffee shops.

You go to the coffee shop,
person behind the counter

has an advanced degree
in English, right?

Still can't spell your name,
which I don't understand but...

(audience laughing)

but they ain't making enough
to pay their student loans

and they're upset
and they care.

That's the thing
about 'em, they care.

They're genuine, they're
not like us greedy,

materialistic generation, right?

They care.
Like, I have one niece,

she's like a super-millennial.
She's always on a cause, right?

So now, her thing,
she wants to save the planet.

Right, she cares
and I feel bad

when I tell her that I
don't really give a shit

about the planet, right?

Because, for one thing,
I don't have kids,

so I'm not really worried about
the next generation, right?

And let's be honest,
I'm a black man in my 50's.

I got what,
like 10 years left?

-(audience reacts)
-You know what I'm saying?

Oh, you saying no,
statistically,

us black men die
in their mid 60's.

Everybody be all, but you
look great, you look healthy.

Like yeah, now,

now, but you know, 10
years from now be like,

man, what happened?
He died.

From what?
Black.

(audience laughing)

Son of a bitch been
black his whole life, man,

shit just caught up with him.

We knew it was gonna happen.

You know?
And when I die,

when I die, I hope
they just let me rest.

Whenever some event's going on,

and the dead person's,
and they're like,

well he's there with us.

No, I don't want to
be there with you.

I served my time.

Just let me lay there dead.

They're like, we all going
to the game well he's with,

no, I'm not with you.

I'm tired, I be resting.

(audience laughing)

I'm sorry, I'm not planning
on no long ass life,

not with my health insurance.

(audience laughing)

Every year, my
premiums don't go up,

my coverage goes down.

They always hit me
with some ridiculous,

so this is the
latest thing I got.

I got an email from my
health insurance company.

They said, listen,
you're out of town,

if you're away from home,
if you have an emergency,

you can go to the
emergency room.

Otherwise, dial this number

and you can video
chat with a doctor.

Yeah, that's what I'm down
to, video chat, right?

So now I need surgery and
the doctor's gonna be like,

all right, go to the kitchen--

(audience laughing)

Find a very sharp knife, right?

Now they find my ass dead
on the kitchen floor.

Like, what happened?

Oh, he lost a signal.

(audience laughing)

He was right in the
middle of the procedure

and he lost the
signal, he shoulda--

(audience laughing)

No, but getting back to it,

so she wants to save
the planet, right?

So I'm a car and
motorcycle guy. I love that.

She's like, you need to
get an electric car, right?

You need to help the planet,
get an electric car.

So I play along, I look.

Do you know a Tesla
costs like $90,000?

You know how much gas
I can buy for $90,000?

I'm like, man, I drive
this pickup truck

around the world for 90 grand.

So she like, wait, no you
don't have to get a Tesla,

you don't have to
get the Tesla,

you could just get a Prius.

Look at me.

(audience laughing)

Look at me, can you see
me driving a damn Prius?

Be like, wow, apparently
Alonzo's given up sex.

He really cares
about the planet.

He just dropped right
out of the pussy game.

He's in a Prius now.

Not driving no damn Prius!

Why is that?
Why is it that doing
the right thing

is always the most expensive
thing in the world, right?

Try to eat healthy,
ever try to eat healthy?

I ain't got that kind of money.

Go to a restaurant,
a kale salad is like $25.

Right, meanwhile,
you go to Taco Bell,

give them $5.00,
they hand you a box,

-point at the menu,
anything you want.
-(audience laughing)

And then we got the
chalupas and the laloopa,

just look, we don't even
know what the hell it is,

just you know,
here's a second box.

Fill that up,
we don't give a shit.

And guess what? We'll throw in
a gallon of Coke

because Coca Cola
is basically free.

I don't know what's
in Coca Cola.

It is the cheapest liquid
known to man, okay?

Now I'm a little older.

I can remember there used to
be a thing called a small Coke.

That doesn't even exist anymore.

You go to 7-11, give 'em $0.99,

they just hand you
the hose, fill it up!

Whatever the hell you
want, as much as you want.

$0.99 yeah, take a barrel,
we don't give a shit.

So I give you a little
inside info on that.

So I'm taping this
special, right?

Now whenever
you tape something,

whenever something's
gonna be on air,

the lawyers have to see it.

They have to either read
a transcript or watch it.

So they videoed this and
they sent it to the lawyers

and the lawyers got
back to me and said,

Alonzo, we need to talk
about the Taco Bell joke.

(audience laughing)

What?
And they said, well, well,

technically a chalupa
is a real thing.

So you can't just say
chalupas cause that's real

and they said, also,
Taco Bell does not sell Coke.

They sell Pepsi products.

And I was like, well
that's all well and good,

but Pepsi ain't funny.

Nobody's ever heard
a good Pepsi joke.

I'm like, so here's
an idea, how about

I do the Coke joke and you
do some fancy lawyering

and help me get away with it.

(audience laughing,
applauding)

Yeah, and then they,
here's what they said,

they said, oh, we have
to do some lawyering,

but you video chat
with your doctor.

-I said, shut up.
-(audience laughing)

So eh, I don't know, man.

It's strange, right?

We live in a strange time
in a strange society.

We have a thing now,
I call it selective stupidity

because people just
choose to be dumb,

to believe anything
they want, right?

'Cause everything's
about the screen, right?

And thank you for
just enjoying the show

and not video, 'cause people,
they record everything

on their phone now, right?

People live their whole life
through a three inch screen.

They go a concert or a show,
they're like, I have to video

and you can't do that.

Don't waste your memory
recording stuff like this.

You know why?

'Cause you never know when a
cop might be whipping your ass.

Right, now a cop's
whipping your ass,

you can't stop
the conversation, say,

excuse me officer, I have
to delete the comedy show

so that I can record this
ass whooping for posterity.

So don't record too much garbage

cause you never know when a
cop's gonna whip your ass,

-just saying.
-(audience laughing)

White people are
looking at me like,

no, we don't
have that problem.

(audience laughing)

We'll go ahead and
record the comedy.

But yeah, this thing,
this social media

and the video generation,
it's given away

to this selective stupidity

where people believe
what they want, right?

So I was talking with
somebody about this

and they were like,
well everyone's
entitled to an opinion.

I was like, no, you're not,

not if there is somebody
who is actually expert

and you're just some clown
on social media, right?

So for example, global
warming, we have global warming

and climate change and
you have scientists,

people who
have gone to school,

studied this, measured
the temperature of the oceans,

the rise, they measure
hurricanes and fires

and all of that, and then
there's somebody over here,

well I got 1.6
million followers.

Well you found 1.6 million
people as dumb as you.

Like that doesn't make
your opinion valid,
you know what I mean?

You can't just choose
what you want to believe.

Science is science
and it's real

and I'm not saying that
all of these people

are from the South.

(audience laughing)

I know, that's unfair.

There's a lot of smart
people in the South.

I went to Huntsville Alabama.

Huntsville Alabama
is the home of NASA.

Yeah, I was in the
middle of Alabama

and I saw a rocket and
NASA and I was like,

you guys know where you at?

(audience laughing)

No, but I'm not saying,
but let's be honest,

now a preponderance of people.

They don't like science.

They love Jesus.

Okay, and I'm not
knocking Jesus.

I'm not knocking religion,

but they're not talking
about love one another

as you love thyself, Jesus,

they're talking about,
they got this angry Jesus.

He just all (growls),

their Jesus don't
like anybody, right?

And I'm not anti-religion.

Tell you the truth,
I love Jesus.

I hope Jesus comes back,

but I have a specific
Jesus I want to see.

I want him to come back as
a Mexican named Hay-soos.

-(audience laughing)
-That's right.

And not only that, I
want him to come back

as a Mexican named Hay-soos,
leading the emigrant caravan

and they don't know he's Jesus

til he gets to the
Rio Grande River

and he walks right
across the top of it.

And I be laughing my ass off.

They be like, I don't think
a wall's gonna stop this guy.

(audience laughing)

I respect it.
I respect it.

Speaking of religion,
I was in Israel this year.

Now this is a
fascinating place, okay?

If you haven't been to Israel,

you have to put this
on your bucket list.

Israel is amazing
and here's why.

Israel is the birthplace

of the world's three
major religions, okay?

And we've all heard
that, we've seen,

but you don't know it until
you actually go there.

When you go to Jerusalem,
particularly Old Jerusalem,

and you see how small it is,

that's when it really hits,
like wow, this is amazing.

And they coexist and
they respect each other,

but they have rules, right?

So like with the Muslims, you
have to wear the Hijab, right?

You gotta cover your head
and face and stuff, right?

Then with the Jewish people,

you go to the Western Wall,
you have to cover your head,

you have to wear a hat
or a Yamaka, which is
a little difficult

when you've got
nothing to pin it to,
you know what I'm saying?

I got no friction, but I
respect it, so you do it, right?

But then you go to the
church or the Holy Sepulchre,

the Christian Church,
which they believe

where Jesus was crucified and
you can't cover your head.

You have to not wear your
hat, not wear anything.

And I respect it and I'm
listening to all this

and I got to thinking
and I was like,

you really think it
comes down to your hat?

You know what I mean?
Do you think like
on judgment day,

you're gonna meet God
and he's gonna be like,

listen, you're
a great person.

You did some really
good things, but uh,

you wore the wrong hat.

(audience laughing)

I mean, I'd love
to let you in here,

but rules are rules, right?

Or maybe it's like,
yeah, you shouldn't

have been wearing
the hat, but you were.

It's gonna be hot down there,

might wanna bring
your hat with you.

(audience laughing)

I do those jokes
and people like,

man, you shouldn't
joke about religion.

Shouldn't joke about Jesus.

You think Jesus doesn't,

you think God doesn't
have a sense of humor?

I guarantee you Jesus and God,
there's a sense of humor.

I'm sure Jesus
is like, (laughing)

hey God, he was chasing
him with the chainsaw.

That was a good one,
that was a good one.

I like how you
made the grass wet.

That was funny.

(audience laughing)

Israel, again, fascinating.

The tour book for Israel
is the Bible, okay?

When you travel through
Israel, yeah, yeah,

it's actually like this is
where it happened, you know?

And again, you have to be
there to get it, right?

So we were in a town
called Beit Shemesh

and we get there
and they're like,

yeah, this is where
David fought Goliath.

What?

And they're like yeah,
this is where David,

I was like, what?

Like I'm impressed
with a UFC fight,

you know what I'm saying?

Like they had David
versus Goliath, you know?

And they're like,
yeah, right up there,

up the hill, that's where
Samson got his hair cut

and then go over there,
down in the valley,

that's the river, that's
where Jesus was baptized.

Like this is all real
and I'm fascinated

and the Jewish people,
you know,

Israel, they've been
through a lot of shit

and they don't mind
telling you about it.

Oh, they got a lot
of stories, man.

We were wandering
the desert, I'm like,

oh, this is gonna be
a long one.

(audience laughing)

But I respect it, you know,

they've been through a lot,
but they're going on and on,

but after a while, I'm like,

well you know,
wait a minute now,

you're not the only people
who've been through some shit.

You know what I'm saying?
Black people, like we've been,

like I'm thinking,
I'm black American, you know.

We had slavery, right?

So in the back of
my mind, I'm like,

I'm gonna play the slave card.

Right, when there's a little
lull in the conversation,

I'm gonna throw
slavery in here.

So sure enough there's
a moment and I said,

sir, I respect everything
you've been through,

I said, but you know, we
black people, we were slaves.

He didn't miss a beat,
looked right at me.

How many times?

Oh!

I forget, and he's like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you
see those pyramids?

Yeah, you thought
cotton was heavy?

I was like, shit.

(audience laughing)

I've been out slaved.

Kanye!

(audience laughing)

I'm Alonzo Bodden, thank
you guys for laughing.

Thanks for coming out.

Thank you.

Have a good night.

(audience cheering,
applauding)

That's great, thank you.

-(audience applauding)
-(cheery jazzy music)