Original subtitles

Robert! Breakfast!

The news headlines on Friday 14th March.

War with Iraq appeared closer today, after Tony Blair said...

he believed a second UN resolution on Iraq...

was now probably less likely than at any other time.

A spokesman for the government said everything was being done...

to achieve a diplomatic solution to the crisis...

but he blamed France for poisoning the diplomatic...

...the king of the river. You have the Salmon...

Of course I never allow my wife to cut courgettes in the kitchen...

and you can understand why.

And of course one mustn't forget a little bit of Brio.

Like my mother-in-law, it always brings a tear to my eye.

Osama.

-0Osama. -0Osama.

What's in the fucking bag, 0sama? Weapons of Mass Destruction?

You fucking raghead.

-Gimme that, fuck-face. -Fuck-off, you cunt.

Fucking black bastard.

Come on.

Come on!

So what we're learning here is that there's no such thing in the media...

“Lifeboat”, "Le Corbeau"...

"Saving Private Ryan"...

-"Come and See"... -That was horrible.

Yes, well, it was horrible, Jeana, but maybe war is horrible.

Certainly for Elem Klimov.

Now, the point is, all these films deal with WW2...

but each one gives us a different version, a different interpretation.

Now, it's different because it's filtered through the perception...

and the ideology of the creator.

So, what you're saying is that we shouldn't believe in stories?

Well, in a sense, Lisa but, it goes much further than that...

you see, this doesn't just apply to fiction...

it applies to all forms of media: newspapers; broadcasting...

documentary film-making. Remember "Triumph of the Will"?

Now, that was an extreme example but, but this applies to everything.

The media is the media because it mediates...

between you and the reality it seeks to represent.

Now I know we're straying into AS-Level territory here...

so, I don't want to confuse your little heads...

but next time you're watching the TV...

ask yourself who made this programme...

why did they make it? What was their agenda?

More importantly, who's paying their salary...

Alright, everybody, I'll see you all next Monday and...

I want you to start thinking about script ideas for next month's practical.

Robert, can I have a word before you go, please.

You alright, girls?

We really enjoyed you lesson today, Mr. Reeves.

Well...

thank you very much, Lisa.

You're our favourite teacher, Mr. Reeves.

Is there anything I can help you with?

Well, you see, you're so good, at explaining things and...

last lesson when you were talking about auteur theory...

well, I kind of understood and I kind of got it...

but at the same time I didn't really understand.

-I see. -So, I was wondering...

if you had the time...

maybe you could go through it with me again...

...50 I can understand it properly. -And me too, Mr. Reeves.

Well, I tell you what girls, I'm off this afternoon...

doing some marking so, if you girls have a free period then...

well, you can drop by the staff room and...

I'll take you through the basic concepts again.

-Thank you, Mr. Reeves. -It's okay, it's what I'm here for.

Well, I'm glad you girls don't feel embarrassed to come forward...

when you don't understand something.

I mean, that's an important part of learning and shows real maturity.

You're both... very bright girls.

Okay then, well, see you later.

-Thank you, Mr. Reeves. -Bye, Mr. Reeves.

-See you later. -Bye, Lisa. Bye, Chivonne.

Ah, Robert, yes.

-How're you feeling today? -Alright, thanks.

Really? Just that you seemed a little bit down, that's all.

Maybe it was just me, I don't know.

Anyway...

you did very well in your mock, that's good stuff.

You know, I'm expecting an "A" from you now.

Suppose, yeah.

I hear Joe Kramer's finally been expelled.

That's a terrible shame but...

I know the school had no choice in the matter.

I mean, you can't have one person spoiling it for everybody else.

Yeah.

Thing is, Robert, I know boys like Joe have a certain appeal but...

when you look at his file, you realise he's not that tough...

he's just got a lot of problems.

You only get one chance in life, Robert.

I just want you to reach your full potential, that's all.

Is that all, sir?

Yeah, that's all.

Robert, will you... be playing in the school concert again this year?

-I think so, yeah. -Excellent.

Well, I'm looking forward to seeing it.

What do you think you're looking at?

Keep your filthy eyes to yourself, Robert Carmichael.

My God, he's such a rapist.

Hello?

Alright, mate. How are you doing? Where are you?

What's that? Where?

Oh, yeah, I see.

-Yeah, I'm on my way. -Okay, sweet.

He's on his way.

-Alright, mate. -Alright.

-Alright, mate, how y'doing? -Yeah, yeah, good, sweat.

There you go, mate, check that out, generous fucking teenth, mate.

Now, that's fucking quality stuff there, yeah?

Good stuff, straight from Afghanistan, yeah, quality squidge.

Nice one.

Nice one, mate.

Good doing business with ya.

I'll be heading back now, nearly the end of lunch.

-You fucking pansy cunt. -Sorry, mate.

Now, mate, give us a spliffs worth, yeah? Just to tide us over.

Least you can do, mate, after I personally go through...

all the trouble of sorting you out.

-Cheers. -Lovely.

Think I'll be heading off too, mate.

-0h, what? -It's Bradley doing history.

I like him. He's good like.

Go on then, fuck off. You're a couple of fucking faggots.

-Later, Joe, mate. -Laters.

Yeah, later.

1 could've done with that for dinner tonight myself.

Well, George caught an 18 pound bass last weekend.

-18 pounds, bollocks. -Yeah...

fucking thing put up quite a fight I heard.

Well that's what he told me and half the club last night.

-Alright, Dad. -Alright, Joe.

What did he use to catch it with then?

Well he had an ugly stick and a Pen multiplier...

he used a live prawn as bait on the end of a 12 pound trace.

-Yeabh, right. -You know George...

always got the right tools for the job.

Yeah.

Alright, Joe, how ya doing, mate?

Here, shouldn't you be at school?

-It's his final year isn't it? -Joe doesn't go to school no more.

Joe?

I've been thinking... I could get a job, like...

-I don't know. -Joe thinks he can work on the boats.

-Fuck off. -You'll be lucky, mate...

there ain't enough work going around as it is. You know that.

Yeah, right.

Here, so how's Mark getting on with his collection?

What, Billy's wife? Yeah, it's coming along slowly so I heard.

all being paid off by someone, I bet.

-New Labour my fucking arse. -All the same...

...don't make no difference, mate. -0h, fucking do me a favour.

fucking Arclight, they should be made to pay...

for what they fucking did, yeah? Your fucking budget cuts...

unsafe working practices, when the board of directors...

pockets £200,000 a piece. Well, that's why Martin died...

and everyone knows it. It's a fucking disgrace!

-Absolutely, mate, totally. -Prison's too fucking good for 'em.

Sorry, lads, I've gotta go. Go run me errands for the misses.

So we're working tonight, unless I hear otherwise, yeah?

Yeah.

-Cheers, lads. -Yeah, laters.

See you later, Andy.

-Later, Andy. -Cheers, Beth.

Fuck!

Asshole.

-Had a good day, darling? -0f course, baby.

Guess what? Louisa called...

they're going to a second pressing on Monday.

Oh, that's great.

-0h, congratulations, baby. -So, how was your day?

-What did you get up to? -Bit of shopping...

drove around for a while and...

stumbled across a couple of shops in The Laines that I really like.

-Still, it's not LA, though. -I've got something to show you.

Just wait till you lay your eyes on this.

Hello? Oh, hi, Rich. Actually, Rich, can you hold on a moment?

It's Richard. Open it.

Richard, hi, sorry about that.

Yeah?

And how's Mrs. Wickum treating you?

These things take time.

Well, you know Rupert?

Yeah, Rupert's one of my closest friends...

and Mark and Jamie. Great people, Rich...

all of whom I met at Mormont.

Yeah, well these things take time. No one said it was going to be easy.

Yeah, well I just want what's best for you, you know that.

You may not realise it now but in ten, fifteen years time you'll thank me.

-So, how's he doing? -Settling in just fine.

Good. That's good.

So?

So?

So...

And so cheap. Really makes you realise...

how much you're getting ripped off in London.

I haven't decided how to cook it yet.

I was thinking grilled, with white wine...

tomato, dash of mint, give it a slight, middle-eastern vibe.

You're not planning on cooking the whole thing tonight, are you?

Of course darling, won't keep.

And in fact, what I'd really like before 1 go out is something simple and light...

like a salad. That'd be perfect.

-What about my fish? -Sorry, baby.

-Can't you freeze it? -"Freeze it"? I...

That would defeat the whole purpose.

Well it's better than throw it away.

Unless you want to eat the whole thing yourself.

Oh yeah, your new persona, Chubby Abbot...

the chef with the biggest love-handles.

I suppose you're right.

Damn.

Poor baby.

It's only a fish.

Yogurt.

Very... nice

I do like yogurt.

Hey, Simone, that Michael Bates said he shagged you...

round the back of Maccy D's the other night.

What! He so did not. That's a fucking lie.

Yeah, but that's what he told me and about half the school yesterday.

of any of the tarts he's ever shagged.

Shut up, Dermott, you fucking pillock.

Yeah, shut your face, Dermott, you insensitive little fuck.

Look, it ain't me, it's Michael Bates that said it, alright?

Well, it don't fucking matter who said it.

You don't go around saying things like that about people.

Like I could go around telling everyone you got a small dick and all.

You can fuck off, can't you, you slag?

Well I could, couldn't 1? So fucking think before you open it.

-Got you by the balls there, boyo. -Fucking hell.

You, as anyone should know, that I'm hung like a fucking donkey.

“Like a donkey", my big fat fucking arse.

Yeah, I mean how does your condom fit, prick?

Your dicks smaller than a lolly stick.

Look, if you don't believe me, both of you, I'll take you both...

behind the fucking bushes right now and fucking give it to ya.

Yeah, like I'd go behind them bushes with you.

You fucking would an'all. Not that I'd stick it in a fat slag like you.

-Ah fuck, it's the old bill. -They can fucking bring it on.

We ain't done nothing.

-Bolocks! -For fuck sakes.

-My mum's going to fucking kill me. -Evening, boys and girls.

-Evening. -What are you kids doing...

hanging around this time of night then?

Nothing.

We've had a complaint from one of the local residents...

This isn't the sort of street where they appreciate...

a bunch of kids hanging around doing nothing.

-Take it somewhere else. -Alright, Joe.

Can I have a word, please, alone.

Don't worry about it, mate. Just a quiet word if you will.

We need ID for standing on the street?

What are you doing? You don't even have to.

And the rest of you?

-How are you Joe? -Same as usual.

Staying out of trouble I hope.

I heard your cousin Larry was getting out of jail soon.

-S0? -What, you haven't heard from him?

-No, I ain't heard nothing. -Look, Joe, I know Larry...

I know that prison hasn't helped him to overcome his problems.

-Meaning what? -Meaning that...

Larry's a drug addict. I would be surprised...

...if he lasts a week on the outside. -My cousin ain't no fucking...

And you'll stay out of his way if you know what's good for you.

If you see him, don't get involved.

He's only going to get into trouble, and more trouble...

is the last thing you need right now, Joe Kramer.

-Well I ain't heard nothing, alright? -Okay then, fine.

Right, you kids want to move along.

Stay out of trouble, would ya? Joe, remember what I said, okay?

Night, Mum.

Night, Robert.

-Alright. -Alright.

Come on, you fucking mutt. Come on.

Hello.

Hello.

It's really difficult isn't it, when you've missed...

...a couple of rehearsals. -You'd think Simon...

...would cut us a bit of slack. -Yeah.

Well, cruel to be kind I suppose.

-Do you want to get a few biscuits? -No, not for me, thanks.

No, I won't bother either.

-Not long till the performance now. -No, no.

I think it's going to be fine though.

Yeah? I'm not really worried.

Is Howard going to come and see you? Or any of the kids?

Oh no, I don't know if I want him there. That might be a bit embarrassing.

Oh, no. No, I think performing in front of an audience...

is a really important part of the whole thing, you know?

It increases your confidence and releases your inhibitions, and...

no, I don't think you should be embarrassed.

Howard might come if I ask him, I suppose.

But I'm sure the kids won't want to.

Rose might have, but she's in Bristol doing her law degree.

-Oh yes, of course, yes. -Is Robert coming along?

Yes, yes, Robert will be there, yeah.

I must say, he is a very clever boy.

Robert was round my house just last week helping Benjamin...

...With his homework. -0h, that's nice.

Yeah, but, you know, one thing struck me.

I hope you don't mind me saying so.

I can't help thinking to myself that Robert's a little...

on the quiet side, you know? A little reserved.

Yes, I suppose he is, really. I think it's just his age.

Well, perhaps you should bring him singing as well.

-Look, no, I didn't mean to criticise. -No, no, it's...

I wondered, does he ever see his Dad these days?

-No, I'm afraid that he... -I used to know a lad once...

back in London. He never knew his father.

Killed in the war, you know?

He was such a dashing pilot, and the son was very good looking too.

Him and his mother were very close.

Turned into a kind of confirmed bachelor. You know what I mean.

I think I might just get some biscuits. Excuse me, ladies.

By all means.

-There's Rob. Alright, mate. -Alright.

Alright.

Here, Rob, meet my cousin Larry.

-Alright, mate. -Alright, mate.

-How you doing? Alright? -Yeah, good, sweet, sweet.

Nice, nice, here y'are, little present.

-Cheers, mate. -Rob ain't done no pills before.

Fuck off. Is that your first pill, mate, really?

No, we did some a couple of months ago.

-Turned out to be dud. -Fucking hell!

1 wish I could take my first pill again.

Takes me six or seven now, just to come up.

I'll tell you what you do, crunch it.

It tastes like shit, but it goes into the old blood system a bit quicker.

-Tastes like shit, don't it? -Yeah, cheers.

Well, glad to be of service. I think another one for me and all.

-And one for you. -0h, I don't know.

I ain't come up on my first yet.

That's 'cause you took it 15 minutes ago, babe.

Open your mouth. Two's always better than one.

How's your job going, Joe, mate?

I've got no money till next month, yeah?

Right, I've been there a week, but I missed payday which was Friday.

Fucking bollocks, mate. Fucking wankers.

I don't know why you're working in a place like that.

Cunts telling you what to do.

See me? I left school at 14.

No cunt has ever fucking told me what to do.

I reckon in about five minutes or so you're going to start coming up.

Can you feel anything yet?

Yeah, my hands are a bit tingly like, a bit dizzy.

Right, you will know when you're coming up. Rob.

I reckon you'll start coming up in about 20, 30 minutes.

-Ah, sweet, sweet. -Ben's coming up already.

You swallowed all that, baby?

Can you smell that?

I ain't smelled that fucking sea smell in eighteen fucking months.

-Eighteen month? -I was in the clink, mate.

-Cunts got me on possession. -And aggravated assault.

Fucking hell, mate, I coming down already.

I never fucking come up.

How's my old mate, Rob? You enjoying your first pill, son?

Fucking sweet.

0i, oi, oi. We're going to go and score some proper drugs.

Hey, Larry. Good to see you, my man.

-So they finally let you out, yeah? -What does it fucking look like?

-Alright if we come in, mate? -Yeah, come on in.

Take a seat. Not much room but I'm sure we can all fit in.

Go and sit down there.

Larry, hear about that shipment that got busted last Tuesday?

-No, mate. -Yeah, 200 kilos...

...ten minutes away from the shore. -Ah, this music's fucking quality.

Fuck, mate, I could do with some Dorris.

Ah, you should pay a visit to Robert's mum then.

Robert's mum? Is she fucking fit?

Fuck yeah, she's fucking fit, mate. I'd fuck her so hard.

-Ben, you'd fuck her, wouldn't you? -What?

You'd fuck Robert's mum wouldn't you?

What are you saying about my mum?

We're saying we'd like to fuck her up the arse, mate.

Rob, Rob, come 'ere, let me show you something.

Look at that, look. Proper bit of sniff...

-How y'doing there, amigo? -I'm alright.

Yeah, I know, I've seen you around. Ben, right?

-Am I right? -Yeah, yeah.

Listen, Ben, my friend, if you ever feel you're a little short of cash...

feel like you want to earn a bit of extra pocket-money...

you come talk to me yeah. I can tick you a 9-bar, no problem.

Reckon you can shift a 9-bar? I can tick you 9-bar for £500...

...that's £500 profit. -I don't know.

Easy money, my friend.

Have a think about it and get back to me, yeah?

Charlie spliff, mate.

Go on, have a go on that. Give you a nice little lift.

Yeah, see, it's quite a hit that, isn't it?

Hey? Listen, oi, I'll do you a line but you're going to have to pay me...

...no more freebies, alright? -Yeah, yeah, give me a line.

Well I'll do you a gram for £40.

-I've only got £20. -Half a gram?

Fucking hell. Alright, just this time, alright.

-Who else wants half a gram? -Yeah, sweet mate, tick me, yeah.

I'll pay you back tomorrow and everything.

You make sure you pay me back tomorrow alright, £25, alright?

£25, alright.

-0h, and how's my little girl, eh? -Sweet ass, mate, sweet ass.

Yeah, it's fucking quality, mate.

0i, oi, oi.

Fuck.

-Ben, mate. Come on. -0h, no, man.

What's the matter with you? Get in here, come on.

-No, man. -What are you...

a fucking faggot or what? Get in here.

Fuck it mate, I ain't no faggot. You're after me, mate.

Ah, man!

-Eh? No, no. -Alright then, laters.

...together the coalition forces are advancing...

day by day. In steady progress...

against the enemy. Slowly but surely...

the grip of terror around the throats of the Iraqi people is being loosened.

However long it takes to achieve our objectives.

That's important for you to know, the American people to know...

our allies to know, and the Iraqi people to know.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Keep the fucking noise down for fucks sake.

Fucking with my music, my fucking piece of mind, you fucking cunts.

Can't even mix a fucking record. Cunts!

Sorry mate, look we're just having a bit of fun.

Just fucking keep the fucking noise down, alright?

-I ain't fucking having it. -Alright, alright, alright.

Yeah, alright, cunt!

Day by day we have seen...

the reality... of Saddam's regime.

His thugs prepared to kill their own people...

the parading of prisoners of war...

and now the release of those pictures...

of executed British soldiers.

If anyone needed any further evidence of the depravity of...

Saddam's regime, this atrocity provides it.

Right, out! Enough's enough.

Ah, you gotta be joking. Come on, mate, be reasonable.

Larry, why are you pulling this shit round our digs mate?

Neighbour's gonna fucking shit. You get old bill coming round...

and I'll stick my gun up your arse and pull the fucking trigger, mate.

-That ain't no joke. -Fuck.

Alright, alright, alright.

There is no doubt at all that the United Nations...

has got to be closely involved in this process.

That's not just right, it's in everyone's interests that it happens.

All I'm saying to people is, the focus, the immediate focus...

has got to be on the oil for food programme...

...hecause that is the thing... -Leave the girl.

...sorted out with the United Nations, literally in the next few days.

Now, after that there's the issue of the post conflict administration...

where as we said in our resource statement...

it's important there again that the UN is involved...

and that any post-conflict administration in Iraq is endorsed by it.

at Camp David, with the president of the United States, George W...

You alright, John?

-Let you out then, have they? -Yeah.

Yeah, well there's a couple of beers in the fridge.

Oh, right, cheers.

John, mate. I was wondering...

like, if I could crash here, just, like, for a week or two...

just, like, till I get my own place.

I thought the council sorted you out somewhere.

Yeah, yeah, but it's proper nasty like I'm...

I want to rehabilitate myself, you know?

So I need an address, till I can get a job...

so I can get my own place like.

Yeah, well the, you know, door's always open to family Larry.

Cheers, John.

Nasty.

No way he's going to walk away from that one.

John. Cheers, mate. I appreciate that, yeah.

-See you later. -See you later.

-You alright, mate? -Yeah, I'm alright.

Come on, you fucking mutt.

Come on, let's go and do a bit of work.

Oh, right, let's do that bit again shall we?

Budabom, budabom, bar 33, okay?

One, two, three.

Ben?

Ben! Check it out!

Check it out! Look at my top.

-What do you think? -Yeah, it's nice.

Okay, Gary, take a look through there.

Lisa.

-How's that? -It's good, yeah.

everyone in positions.

C'mon. Hurry up.

Good.

-Okay then, Lisa. -Right, turn-over.

-Garry. -0h, right, rolling.

-Okay. Action! -What shall we do with him sir?

Kill him it's the only thing we can do.

Yeah, stick two bullets in the back of his fucking head.

Wait a minute, just let me think. Well, is that the right thing to do?

This is war, sir, we've got to fulfill our mission.

Yeah, that's right, we got a mission.

-Please don't kill me. -There's nothing for it...

...we'll just have to let him go. -What?

No way, sir, we've got to kill him.

Blow his scummy brains out all over the fucking floor.

Otherwise, he'll come back for us. That's what Jerry do.

Right, okay.

-Cut. -Right boys, very good.

-Well done Donald, very method. -Thanks a lot.

-How'd it look, Gary? -Alright, I think.

Good, well, at least the parents don't need to see this.

-Whose shot is it next? -Me, sir.

Well, we seem to have a difference of opinion.

It's my shot, sir, that's what we agreed before.

Well we've only got two shots left so why don't you share it?

No, that's it, I've made up my mind.

Lisa, where do you want the camera?

-Over there. -Right, c'mon then.

Look at that. It's impressive, isn't it?

Yeah, look at this huge horizon.

These British fields are pretty vast.

What are they going to do?

-Okay, line it up guys. -God. Let's get this over with.

Hey, we're supposed to be doing this together...

...it isn't just you doing it, okay? -Didn't ask to do it together.

-That looks shit. -Sir, Robert won't let me do anything.

-C'mon, Robert, give Alex a chance. -Yeah, give me a chance.

You fucking cunt, you fucking, fucking cunt!

-You fucking cunt. -Robert. Stop it.

Get off him, get off him, Robert.

There you go, mate.

-There you go, mate. -Nice one, cheers.

Good doing business with you.

Hello. Yes, speaking.

Oh, yes, yeah.

I'll come up, I'll come up right away.

Yes. Thank you, thank you for calling.

Bye, bye.

You're just lucky Mrs. Epstein needs you for the concert tonight.

-But he didn't... -Please don't, Robert.

You've really let me down.

Mr. Kramer, where do you think you're going?

-Me? I'm going out. -You've got another hour till lunch.

Yeah, well, it's five o'clock in Dubai, so...

You got to come out though, mate. It's important.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sweet, mate, sweet, that's lovely.

Yeah, alright, I'll meet you there then.

I've got to drop me fishing stuff off at the house first anyway.

Saddam Hussein and the Baathist regime...

have lost control over Baghdad...

after US forces advanced into the centre of the capital.

US tanks faced minimal resistance...

as they drove into the public squares on the eastern bank of the Tigris.

The American Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld...

has been briefing reporters...

at a special press conference at the Pentagon, in Washington.

The scenes of free Iraqis celebrating in the streets...

riding American tanks, tearing down the statues of Saddam Hussein...

in the centre of Baghdad are breathtaking.

Watching them one can not help but think of the fall of the Berlin wall...

and the collapse of the iron curtain. We're seeing history unfold...

events that will shape the course of a country...

the fate of a people, and potentially, the future of the region.

Saddam Hussein is now taking his rightful place...

alongside Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, Ceausescu...

in the pantheon of failed, brutal dictators.

-Look at you. -I know, he won't stop kicking.

Benjamin, come and give your sister a hug.

-Ah, you alright? -Yeah.

-Good, how's school? -Not bad.

Yeah? Look at the state of you man, sort it out.

Come in, come, come, come.

I tell you what, my back is killing me.

-Good evening. -Hi.

-Hello. -Thank you.

Don't go on too long, does it?

-Good evening, ladies. -Sorry we're late.

That's alright. still in time.

Good evening, everyone.

Hello.

Thank you.

Good evening, everyone, thank you for coming.

It's great to see so many of you here tonight.

-Alright, mate. -Alright.

-Here. -Ah, fucking nice one.

Yeah, yeah, I've got to get rid of my stash.

-Hey, mate, where's Larry? -0ld Bill took Larry away, mate.

-They what? -Yeah, yeah, fucking cunts...

they took him away two days ago, yeah, raided the house and all.

That's why I've got to get rid of my stash.

-Right. -Look, you want to give Robert a call?

I'm out of credit.

Marie!

-Nah, went straight to voicemail. -Fuck! Bollocks!

Oh yeah. Yeah, I think he's got that concert thing going on.

Concert? Fucking faggot.

-I'll try him again later. -Yeabh, right.

As you can see from your programme...

we also have a number of soloists performing tonight.

Most of these soloists are students in the final year of their music GCSE.

For these pupils, this performance is, in many ways...

a culmination of their five years spent with us at Harbour Lights.

When you hear the shear depth of talent on display...

I am sure you will agree that they are truly stars in the making.

Now, from stars of the future to stars of the present.

It is my great pleasure to present to you...

our very special guest tonight.

Here to provide a short introduction to our programme...

a new and very welcome member of the community.

You may have seen him on TV's cooking with John.

He is, none other, than television's favourite chef...

Jonathan Abbott.

Thank you. Hello, everyone.

Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you.

Yes, I'd like to thank Miss Epstein for inviting me along tonight.

So, yes...

Some of you might think it a little strange...

that a chef has been asked to speak at a music concert.

And yes, it is all rather strange, isn't it? Why am I here exactly.

Well, the answer to that is...

the answer is... well, first of all...

I am a musician myself. Or rather, I was a musician.

I played the violin at school...

badly.

I gave up after grade three.

But, seriously, I do have a great appreciation of music.

And tonight will be a wonderful opportunity...

to sample some of the emerging talent in this community.

A community of which I am very honoured to be a member.

There are also, I believe, many similarities between my life...

and the life of a musician, composer, or indeed any other aspiring artist.

I've always held the principal, that with talent...

determination and a lot of hard work...

it is possible to achieve any goal you set yourself in life.

-Jesus Christ, spare us. -I therefore hope that my presence...

here will provide encouragement to our young performers...

to stick with it, go out there and make the most of their considerable talent.

Well, that's all I've got to say so I'll get out the kitchen now.

And thank you all again and thank you, Miss Epstein, for inviting me.

I hope you enjoy the concert.

Thanks again to Jonathan Abbott for joining us tonight.

So, without further ado, let's get on with the music.

You're quite sure? So there can be no doubt about it?

Wow! That's great, darling.

Oh, we've got to celebrate, this calls for some bubbly...

that's if it's still allowed, 1 don't know.

Right, good idea, well, I'm going to get back straight away.

Okay. I love you, darling...

ever so much.

Yeah, bye.

-Mr. Abbott. -Hello.

Thanks for coming down tonight, the kids really appreciate it.

Oh well, you know, I really... No, no, you first.

I like to try my hand in the kitchen myself and...

there's some really good recipes in there.

Oh, and the autobiographical stuff is fun too.

Thank you, thank you very much. Look, I'm afraid...

something's come up and I must retire early.

Could you pass on my apologies to Miss Epstein?

-0h, right, yeah, of course. -Right.

-Yes? -Well, it's just before you go...

...if you've got a minute... -Yep.

You see, I've been working on a...

...a book of my own recently. -0Oh right, yeah.

It's nothing to do with cookery actually.

It's more a kind of...

Well it's hard to describe. It's a novel.

Sort of a character study with mysterious elements.

It's about a young girl who's kind of...

disenchanted, she's unhappy with her life she's got problems...

with her mother and...

and there's a police detective who...

who gets involved. Sorry I'm not explaining it very well...

-Right. -...making it sound far too complicated.

-It all makes sense in the book. -I'm sure it does.

Well like I said, it's not about cooker per-se...

but it is the kind of thing, I reckon, Bloomsbury, might...

take to.

Anyway, I was just wondering if maybe you could have a look at it...

just see what you think, give me your opinion...

I'll see if I've got a card, you can send a copy on to my agent.

-Well, I, I've actually... -0h, I see.

-You just happened to have a copy. -Yeah, well, anyway...

...there it is, there you go. -Right.

Like I said if you could just...

just take a look at it tell me what you think.

I mean, that, that would be great, really.

My email and telephone number are just...

-Well, great, I really must be off then. -Yeabh, right.

If you could pass that message on to Miss Epstein...

-Yep, sure, will do. -Right.

...wasn't here tonight. But...

actually I can't remember the last time I saw her in my class.

-What's happened? -Well, as you understand...

she's gone missing and we're looking for her.

No, no, she's a very reliable student.

Brilliant, your son has real talent.

Sarah, have you heard? Adrian Farmer's daughter has gone missing.

-Adrian Farmer? -Yes, you know, his daughter Marie.

Apparently she's been missing since eight o'clock last night.

She never came home, she hasn't phoned or anything.

-Everyone's out looking for her now. -Adrian Farmer, I just...

anyway, it's terrible, isn't it, just disappearing like that...

poor man must be fraught with worry.

I know, well some of us are going out to help with the search.

Oh, I see, what's happening, are the police involved?

Well, yes, the police are searching, but we thought if we can get...

the local people to help then we can cover the ground more quickly.

Oh right, right... well I might...

-When are you thinking of going? -Roger's co-ordinating everything and...

we're going to leave straight away, in the next few minutes.

-Okay, well, yes, I'd like to help. -Great, great, okay.

-That sounds terrible. -Yes...

I'm afraid I've got to get back though.

I've got a lot on at the moment, I'm sorry.

-Are you sure you want to? -I think so, yes, yes.

-I feel that I should. -Fair enough...

...I'll see you on Sunday then. -Yes, see you Sunday.

Mum, can I go out celebrating with Ben?

Well, it is a bit late Robert and it's a school day, remember?

I know it's late but just 'cause of the concert and everything.

-Well, bye. -0h, right, okay, bye Simon.

-Please, mum, just this once? -Right, okay just this once...

but I really don't want to set a precedent.

-Sarah, we're going. -Yes, okay.

-Please remember that it's school. -I will.

I'm going to be out for an hour or two myself, anyway...

okay, I'll put this in the car.

I'm just going to put this in the car, Ruth. I'll be right with you.

Hey. Hey, it's Rob.

Ah, sweet.

-Alright, mate. -Hi.

Gas, mate.

You gotta do the gas.

Ah, that is it.

-We're fucking fucked, mate. -Here, give me that.

Give me that.

-Here we go. -Cheers, mate.

We're going to cane these drugs. We're going to cane my stash...

we're just...

yeah.

You're going to be fucked, mate. Just like us.

-What the fuck is up with that? -Fuck knows, mate.

-Hey, lads, give us a hand. -Fuck off!

We're going to cane these drugs...

then I'm going to take you boys on a fucking trip.

Do you know that? A fucking trip.

I already done a trip mate.

Marie!

Marie!

Marie!

Marie!

Marie!

It ain't been hours, you dozy fucking cunt.

-Fucking feels like it. -Yeah.

Ah, fuck, we're out of gas.

Rob, you've done all the fucking gas, you fucking cunt.

I ain't, I ain't.

Look, Joe, mate, got to sort out the gas situation.

Got to be a petrol station round here somewhere.

Ain't no fucking petrol station round here, you dozy cunt.

We've got to find a petrol station, got to sort out the gas.

We're out of gas, just fucking deal with it.

-Look, here. -What the fuck's this?

Can't remember, whizz or ketamine, just fucking eat it and give one to Rob.

Hold on, hold on.

-Well, how does that taste? -Sweet, mate, yeah.

So, you going to tell us where we're going?

It's a surprise, come on.

-Right, this is it. -What's what?

Here, this is it.

-So, you wanna hear the plan? -What plan?

-My plan, you wanna hear the plan? -Yeah, sweet, tell us the plan.

-Course, mate, let's hear your plan. -Right, okay, my plan...

it's called home invasion.

No, no, I'm fucking serious.

Me and Larry was gonna do this place, before he got shopped.

What's that chef off the fucking telly, what's his name?

~The chef... -Yeah, fucking chef, what's his name?

One who does that restaurant wannabe thing.

Oh yeah, he's good like.

Anyway, Larry said he's got a safe in there...

with money, fine jewellery, shit like that.

He lives there with his fucking bird. Three of us can take 'em, no problem.

-Wait, wait... -Think about it...

if we do this place, we're all going to be fucking minted.

-I got the workings right here. -Him and his bird, yeah?

What you on about, Joe, mate? This, this is fucking crazy.

No, no, fuck it. Fucking cunts are asking for it.

I mean, look at that fuck.

Do you think you're ever going to own a car like that, eh?

Cunts like this, they've been ripping you off...

since the day you were fucking born.

we're going to even the score, tonight we're going to make those cunts pay!

-Yeah, nice one, fuck it, let's do it. -What are you on about, Joe, mate?

This is stuff they don't forgive you for, mate.

Nah, fuck it. You only live once, right?

Fucking right, man, let's do it, come on.

-This is fucking crazy. -Yeah well, I'm a crazy fucking guy.

You wanna hang out here, mate?

Look, it's the middle of fucking nowhere, it's wet, it's dark, it's cold.

Cunts in there, got heat, carpets, sofas...

bet they've even got some fucking charlie.

-Charlie, mate. -Those rich cunts love their charlie.

What are you, a fucking faggot?

-No, man. -Maybe you're just a pussy.

I ain't no pussy, mate. Just this...

1 don't know, this is fucking crazy, mate.

Fuck it!

-Man. -Fuck it!

-Yeah. Yeah, okay, fuck it! -That's the fucking spirit.

Yeah, we're really going to do this shit, yeah?

-Yeah, mate, you only live once, right? -Fuck it!

Come on, let's go and do some damage.

What are you doing?

Right, okay? Everyone calm?

Let's just take a moment to calm down, right?

Right, okay, we're calm.

What about you?

I hear one fucking word out of you. I'm going to take this knife...

and I'm going to stick it in your bitch over there.

Do I make myself clear? Do I make myself clear, you cunt!?

Right, the gag's coming off.

Look at me. Do what I tell you and you won't get hurt, alright?

Please, listen. You can take what you want.

Do what you want with me but, please, don't hurt my wife.

I'm begging you, please...

Did you fucking hear what I just told you?

Please, don't hurt my wife.

Oh God, no. Oh God, please, no.

You gonna shut up now, you gonna do what I tell you?

Okay, I'll do what you tell me.

Now, listen, you got a safe. Tell us where it is.

-Come on, spit it out! -It's on the wall.

Behind the picture on the left. But...

Shut up! What's the combination?

6, 53, 29.

Shut up! 6, 53, 29.

Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it.

There's about £500 there I reckon.

You two, check the rest of the house for valuables.

Look for cash, jewels, anything expensive looking and light.

-Right. -Hey!

Go check for valuables. I'll watch these two.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. That's all there is.

We don't keep lot's of money in the house.

It's the truth. You have to believe me.

-You're a sweet one, ain't you? -0h, please.

-Yeabh, I like the look of you. -Look, you can take what you want.

But please don't hurt us. Please...

don't hurt my wife.

Do you want me to fucking kill you or what?

-You have done... -Shut up, cunt.

Alright, you belong to me now, get it? I can and will do...

whatever the fuck I want with you and your cunt wife...

and there isn't a fucking thing you can do about it.

That's a nice one.

Who... is... this?

He looks like...

Is that junior chef? What's he up to at the moment then?

Fucking hell, mate. Come check this out.

-What? -No, no, just come and check this out.

Hey, Joe, mate. Fucking check this fucking fish out.

0i, you dozy fucking cunt. Fuck.

Check out the fucking fish, it's massive.

Nice fish, mate.

Yeah, yeah, that is a nice fish.

Yeah. And...

look at this. Nice, eh?

-Yeah, nice. -State of the art.

Give him a kiss, go on.

Taste familiar, does it?

So...

so... I guess we'll... get going?

-Not push our luck? -Get going?

Party's only just started, mate.

We're going to have some fun with these cunts.

I'll go first. Make sure that cunt watches.

-I think she likes it. -Yeah, yeah.

She fucking loves it.

Hey, Robert, it's your turn.

Come on, you're the one that's so fucking keen.

Early bird, then.

I think you got a little over excited there, mate.

Hold her legs! Hold her fucking legs!

-Ah, I don't know about that, mate. -Get her legs apart!

Spread them!