Original subtitles

This is like, what, the third time this week

for quesadillas? It's like a crummy Groundhog Day

for my mouth. - Well, it's the only thing

that all three kids like.

Soon they'll hate them

and we won't know what to make.

I'm ready to try perogies again.

Felix, you're supposed to be upstairs

doing your teeth right now.

I just started this podcast

and I've already missed some of it

because you guys are talking.

Hey, bedtime is the same time every day,

buddy. Come on, let's go. Upstairs!

Parenting has a lot of routine.

Make the same meals, wash the same clothes,

you read the same bedtime stories.

To say that it can feel like a mind-numbing

repetitive cycle of drudgery is unfair. And accurate.

Well, I'm still hungry.

I couldn't eat those quesadillas.

I know, me too. Well, grocery day is tomorrow.

- Mm-hmm. - We're low on everything.

What about a delivery situation?

Ooh!

Yes!

Oh, damn it, Thai Hard is closed!

What, that was the best Pad Thai!

- It's a weed shop now. - Isn't the Greek place

we loved also a weed shop now?

Yes! Feta Attraction!

Where are we supposed to get our food now,

a grocery store? A farm?

Hmm, I don't want pizza. Sushi?

I mean, it takes too long to get here.

I'm so hungry, I can't even think.

I need to eat, like, right now.

Me too, okay. I gotcha.

Well...

we got all the ingredients for... quesadillas.

We could put hot sauce on ours.

Hey, that's a new kettle of fish.

Okay, and ooh,

here is us in a marketplace in Lima.

The vendor thought I was local

because my accent was that good.

You're great with accents.

Yeah, big fan of your Shrek impression.

Thank you. Oh, and that's Bo

meeting a flock of flamingoes in the wild.

They just let you hold them like that?

I spent considerable time earning her trust.

God, James and I don't even have time to go out for dinner.

How can you guys just zip down to Peru?

Well, we leave as soon as the travel bug hits us,

otherwise... ya fuiste.

- Oh! - Oh, sorry,

I keep slipping into Spanish.

That means, "the moment has passed."

This moment seems to be really taking its time.

You guys will find time for yourselves when you retire.

It may have taken me 30 years,

but the time will go by like that.

Ow! God, my wrist!

Stupid bones!

You know, being impulsive is good for the soul.

Even an unplanned carwash

while blasting opera can be transformative.

No, it can't! Stop taking me.

No, uh... we are spontaneous.

I sometimes take a shortcut home from work.

Why only sometimes?

Well, in high school, you cut class

to take the bus to Montreal

to see that Alanis Morissette concert.

Yes, I did. I did do that. And that was only...

23 years ago?

Can't be that long ago. Can it? Oh, my God!

Oh... Oh no. - That was so long ago!

James, we have to do something spontaneous

and impulsive, like, immediately.

- Okay. - Let's buy a karaoke machine.

- Why a karaoke machine? - Because I just thought of it.

Okay, ooh. We are going to have some unplanned fun.

First we just have to check in with each other,

then check our schedules, then make sure the kids

are being taken care of. And then, we are good to go.

Weather permitting.

Oh, my God, I saw this concert in 1999.

That was... - 25 years ago.

- Thank you. - I know that because

that's the year I was born.

- Thank you. - Yep!

God, Jagged Little Pill was so long ago

it's a stage musical now.

Aw, I think it's so cute when they take music

from the olden days and they turn it into stage shows,

so that old people can remember their youth.

Heh, heh, heh, yeah, what old dork

would see something like this? - Yeah, I know.

I mean, reviews are great, though.

Theatrical experience the New York Times

is calling catchy and crunchy.

100 millilitres...

What's up?

Hi. Do you wanna see Jagged Little Pill tomorrow?

What, Alanis is in town?

No, it's a musical based off the album.

Oh, that sounds...

- I already bought tickets. - ...amazing!

Yeah, it's a matinee, so the audience is full

of old people, but we'll just beat them all

to the bathroom at intermission.

Okay, uh, I thought we said we were gonna discuss things

before we um, followed our whims?

I know, but Morris is gonna be in daycare

and the kids are in school, it's a perfect time.

Come on, play hooky with me.

Yeah, um, Jean-Luc may let you do whatever you want.

- I'm not even telling him. - But Marla is not

as easygoing. Uh, that time I asked for a day off

to get my wisdom teeth out, she asked to see the X-rays

and had notes for the dentist.

You can do it. I believe in you! Love you. Bye.

Hey, hey, we're done? Okay... Ah... 'Kay.

That's...

Oh, sorry, James.

That's not, nope, that wasn't me,

that was my desk. - I keep doing that.

I just had laser eye surgery.

If I get even a speck of dust in my eye,

I could lose my vision. - Huh.

Marla said if I took the day off,

I would Stevie Wonder where my job went.

Anyways, these are for you.

So, Marla, the...

What is it?

Huh? Oh, uh...

About tomorrow-- - Oh, big day.

Corporate Strategy Planning. All hands on deck.

Fintekoäly is watching.

If even one thing goes wrong, I will lose my mind.

You can count on me. I'm gonna be here all day.

I'm just gonna work right through lunch.

That's why I came over here to the kitchen

part of the office, just to tell you

that I'm-I'm your man and I'm gonna be here,

and I'm committed to the Wednesday.

'Kay, bye-bye. Whew.

I don't wanna go to school tomorrow.

My bones feel weird.

Yeah, that means they're growing.

School makes them grow straight.

Hey, you know, Mommy and Daddy

have to go to work,

and you have to go to school and learn.

And also the bones thing. - But your guys' jobs are fun.

You get money.

You get paid in knowledge.

Also free childcare, which is basically

all the modern education system is now to me.

- James. - No, no, your mother's right.

You're going to school tomorrow, you and your bones.

- My bones...

- How'd it go with Marla? - Oh, I was not prepared.

We're being spontaneous, James.

There's no being prepared. - Can't we just be spontaneous

on the weekend, in between karate and basketball,

and Morris' nap?

You're calling in sick tomorrow.

No. She told me specifically

that tomorrow is like, a big day.

Can a day at work possibly be bigger

than front-row seats in the balcony

of the Jagged Little Pill musical?

It's so hard to lie. She's like a human lie detector

that uh, screams at you.

Okay, well, then you know what?

We're gonna do what the cast of Jagged Little Pill did.

Rehearse 'til it's perfect.

James, why are you dialling? This is pretend.

I'm a method actor, Astrid.

It's ringing. - Hello, James,

my number one lieutenant. What can I do for you?

Uh, hi, Marla. I'm so sorry but I-I'm

not feeling very good today.

Sorry to hear that, James.

Rest up and we'll see you when you're feeling better.

Well, this is not gonna help me if you're not gonna

pretend to be weird-ass Marla, who's scary and mean.

What, what? I mean, I'm just trying to build you up.

All right, fine.

Hello, James, what the hell do you want?

Uh, yeah, sorry, uh, Marla,

sorry for the last-minute call here,

but I accidentally... cut off my foot.

- Can I see a picture? - Unfortunately, I can't do that

because uh, my phone is broken.

Huh? - James, you're literally

on the phone. - Oh, the phone is broken.

I said that it was-- Ugh, see?

This is why I can't lie to Marla. I--

That's just an excuse! Yes, you can. Try again.

Hi, James, why can't you come into work?

Hey, uh, 'cause uh, I fell... down a well.

Okay, you know what? New approach.

No human contact.

You're gonna wake up early and what you're gonna do

is you're gonna call and you're gonna leave a message.

That actually might work.

Feel tired. Also nervous.

And also guilty. My bones feel weird.

You're fine. We need this.

We work very hard and we deserve a day off.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, no, you're right, you're right,

you're right. You're right, my love. Here we go!

Hi, you've reached Marla's phone.

And this is Marla. Who am I speaking to?

Uh, Marla. It's 6:30. What are you doing at work?

Work is a state of mind, James, and I am always there.

But yes, I'm at Gero's, where are you?

My house. In the kitchen. At the island.

The second on the right side-- You've never been here.

Didn't you get my email? What part of "We ride at dawn!"

didn't you understand?

All of it. Also, I'm sick.

You sound fine.

Nope, not fine. I was up all night... with diarrhea.

- Yeah, you're on speaker. - That sucks about

your leaky body, pal.

Hey, Beth. How are your eyes doing?

They really hurt,

but I'm here anyway, 'cause we uh, ride at dawn.

- Yeah... - How is Beth better

than you, James? How?

I can't come into work today

because of how sick I feel.

Didn't expect a casualty this early,

but okay. You can stay home.

Oh, uh, yes.

But I wanna see a doctor's note.

Yes, perfectly understandable.

And you shall be presented with one upon my...

Hello?

Hurry up, Beth!

Okay, that is done.

Whew...

There's my sexy diarrhea man.

Yes! One time only nickname.

Listen, I need a doctor's note now. How am I gonna--

We will figure it out. Let's get the kids to school.

Let's get Morris to daycare. Let's get us to the 90's.

What the hell? - Hmm?

I thought we were dressing 90's?

Yeah. This is how I dressed in the 90's.

Okay, whatever. Look what I've been working on

all morning.

You otter know? Get it?

Unfortunately, yes.

Just be supportive of me.

Let's go.

Oh wait, the kids' school's calling. Hello?

I feel sick. You have to come and get me.

Well, isn't it ironic.

Look, if she's sick, I'll be sympathetic.

I just don't think she's sick.

Just play it cool. Channel a more calm Alanis.

Hmm? There it is. Oh.

Oh, Viv! How's Viv?

You didn't both have to come from... work?

- Oh yeah, casual Wednesday. - Oh.

I'm not feeling well. My arms feel bubbly.

- Oh no. - Bubbly!

That doesn't sound real. - Bubbly, is that

a thing we're doing? - If a kid says

they're not feeling well, we have to send them home.

And I'm sure ol' fizzy arms here

knows of that rule. Come on, Viv.

- Oh!

Oh, now it's a fizzy gout situation.

Ooh, hopefully you get better soon, huh?

Yeah, all hoping for a speedy recovery

for bubbly arms. - Okay, let's get

your backpack. Thank you. - Okay.

I see the limp is gone.

- It comes and goes. - Hmm.

Gotcha!

You're going some place without me!

Hey, yeah, no, we're uh,

taking your sister home

'cause she's not feeling too good.

Is she getting ice cream?

No. - Yes!

Felix, what are you doing hanging out in the halls?

Oh, we're playing assassin dodgeball.

Oh, I like that! See, that's-that's like,

history and sports and... This is a good school.

Why-why aren't you playing that in the gym?

There's a huge hole in the floor from being old.

This is way more fun.

Hey, Felix!

Oh, I'm pretty sure he's not concussed.

Not that it's an exact science.

Okay, that's good. That's good.

Good-good news. Um, so can he go back to school?

Well, if he's not feeling up to it,

you can keep an eye on him. - Viv, don't.

- I feel terrible. - Yeah, of course you do, buddy.

What should we be on the lookout for?

Viv, please stop. - If he's puking,

if he's talking nonsense, or if he's unsteady on his feet.

Sounds like Morris has a concussion.

Um, Viv, please, come on, come on.

Hey...

Listen, so, I just was um, wondering if you could

write me a note that says I'm sick, for work?

What makes you think I'm the kind of doctor

that would lie for you?

I'm just messing with you.

Mess with this guy. Come on, man. Pick your poison.

Whadda ya say, huh? Sinus infection? UTI.

Or I could write something that says I see

a shadow on your brain.

It's gotta be diarrhea.

Sure, man, you pay the piper,

you pick the tune. Yes.

Uh, how do we spell diarrhea again?

- I think there's an H in there. - That sounds good.

I like that. Let's put one of those in there

and I think it starts like diary.

Yeah, but the Y doesn't look right.

- I'll look it up. - That's true, yeah,

I'm gonna get my phone out. - No, you know what I'll do?

I will use my doctor writing...

And that could be anything, right?

Uh hey, you want something for the kids?

Oh... Thank you.

- No, I think we're good. - No! Come on,

we can find something. Look, what have we got in here?

Gauze? - All right,

we called this family meeting to discuss health.

Yeah, if you guys are feeling sick,

or you're hurt, you can skip school no problem, okay?

Yes, but if you're not sick or hurt

and you just wanna stay home to play, then that's wrong.

I was assassin dodgeball'd in the head.

Yeah, but the second you came home,

you wanted to play assassin dodgeball.

Yeah, and your bubbly arms

didn't stop you from making these.

You told the doctor you had diarrhea,

but you haven't diarrhea'd once.

30 points, Felix.

Okay, fine, your father and I booked some time off work

so that we could have a special day.

So, if you're feeling well enough to go back to school,

you gotta go back to school!

A special day without us?

Every day with you is special.

The doctor said Felix could die!

No, he didn't.

Guys, okay, we're just gonna give us--

Okay, um, so you were right,

we have to plan every detail of every moment

months in advance. Gone are the days

where something thrilling pops into our head

and we can just do it. They gone.

No, no, no, every day but today,

because an exciting thought just popped into my mind.

Ooh, your mother!

I... there's a lot of ways I could've said that.

I'm not sure why that was the one. But we'll--

We can dissect it at intermission.

- I follow. - Uh-huh.

Oh. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hi, dear.

Hi, Mom. How are you?

Uh, not great.

Do you remember how I hurt my wrist snapping the other day?

Ooh, yeah, how's it feeling?

It's in a brace. And then, do you remember ow-- Audrey?

Who's uncle suffocated to death in a corn silo? Yes.

That. Yes, yes!

Right. Well, I was telling her about my wrist

and damned if I didn't hurt the other one

re-enacting the snap.

That's terrible. Mommy, no!

Hey, um, any way you can watch Felix and Viv for a few hours?

Now? No! My arms are useless.

And I have to get to the walk-in clinic.

- What's happening? - And honestly, I don't want to.

Okay, thanks. Love you, Mom. Bye.

She's out. - What?

Finally able to be spontaneous

and her bones have gotten brittle.

Well, I didn't lie to Marla's face,

at great personal risk, just to give up now.

You're really scared of her, aren't you?

Yeah! She is like a shark for the truth

and our lies are covered in blood.

Well, what are we gonna do about it?

Well, something spontaneous

that is also gonna teach our kids some culture.

Are you buying two more tickets?

I love this. I love you.

Last two seats have an obstructed view.

Well, the kids don't know that.

Yeah, but one of us has to sit with each.

Shotgun balcony. Ha! In your face!

Don't even hate it. Too busy flying by the seat

of my pants. Purchase. Hey, kids,

get ready to learn about some angst!

Hello, James.

How's your butt?

Marla is here. In our house.

Uh, that is a real diarrhea note from an official MD.

Yes, I took him to the appointment myself.

Too dehydrated to drive.

Diarrhea's spelled wrong.

Anyway, I brought you everything you need

for the CRAT diet. We crushed today's meeting,

so I thought I'd swing by here and see what's going on.

- CRAT? - Cananas, Rice,

Apple Sauce, and Toast. For your upset butt.

Your loose bowels. Trots. Dysentery.

Montezuma's revenge. Your sore bum-bum.

The poops. The toot-toots.

If only there were as many words to say thank you

as there were to say diarrhea.

Oh, sorry. I... ooh.

I'll admit, I came here expecting to find you

in a lie, but you look wretched.

Yes, I'm wretched because I'm-I'm...

I'm sick. I'm sick.

Hmm. Yeah. The gloves were wise,

'cause he's so contagious and I'm starting...

That was nothing!

I can fix it! - Oh, good lord!

Does everybody in your family have the runs?

Uh, no. We're just being cautious.

So, we-we kept them home from school.

Uh, you're sweating, James. And uh, turning red. Why?

Fever. I have a fever. Hey! Wait-wait... What? Okay.

Okay. Hold on, I can explain.

Let me just uh, quickly get ahead of this.

Oh! Oh, you definitely have a fever.

Yeah-huh.

That's what I said. Fever time.

Get well soon, James.

- Marla. - Astrid.

Marla!

Lied right to Marla's-- did you see? Did you see me lie?

Well, how did your body lie? You had a temperature.

Yeah, no, no, listen, miracles happen all the time.

Are you actually sick?

No, I'm not sick. I'm just a little clammy

and a little...

Nauseous... dizzy, dizzy-nauseous from the lying.

You do have a fever!

I'm not sick! Okay, could a sick person do this?

I'm sick.

Do your arms feel bubbly?

Maybe you got it from Viv. - I don't...

I'm gonna be fine.

I want you to enjoy the show.

Okay, great. That's what I was thinking.

Yeah, you rest. Don't forget to pick up Morris

and make dinner. - I, uh, could you try

and sell those tickets? They're $55 for obstructed view.

Yeah, you know, Dawn and Bo love a last minute adventure

and they always treat us.

And they're smug about it.

Maybe I'll treat my sister.

And then be smug about it! - Yeah.

Hello, donkey! What a surprise!

Yeah, there's that Shrek impression I love.

You're on lunch early today.

Were you let go? Is that why you're dressed

like an eco-terrorist? - No. I took the day off

because I actually have tickets to the matinee show

of Jagged Little Pill the musical.

- Oh, I hear that's

a great play, even without the music.

And then there's the music. - I love Alanis'

earlier dance catalogue. Is any of that in the show?

- No! - How dare you?

- Absolutely not, no. - Okay, whoa.

Unfortunately, James and the kids

aren't feeling well so-- - Oh no! You can't go?

Well, we would be happy

to take those tickets off your hands.

I got so much work done already.

Three managers axed before 10!

Ay-oh! How exciting.

I can bring my GoBo employees, and that'll be their wages.

Good.

Um, actually I was still thinking that I was gonna--

Well, obviously, we'll send you money for the tickets.

Like, how much were they? $300 each?

- Yeah. - Okay.

No, that was the exact price of each ticket.

And sending... now.

Oh. To quote Alanis herself,

"Thank you!" I'm sorry James and the kids

won't get to see these songs brought to life.

Yeah, no, it's a real shame. Real, real big shame.

- Ooh!

Having kids doesn't have to mean

the end of spontaneity.

You're always thinking on your feet,

you're always making last minute decisions.

Mm-hmm, you have to improvise when a kid

gets sick or a sleepover goes sideways.

Or you know, they hear you swear.

Yes. Yes, and you could still have spur-of-the-moment fun,

you just have to be more opportunistic.

Mm-hmm. - ♪ Isn't it ironic ♪

Oh, and keep receipts for impulse purchases.

♪ Don't ya think ♪

♪ It's like rain ♪

♪ On your wedding day ♪

♪ It's a free ride ♪

♪ When you've already paid ♪

♪ It's the good advice ♪

♪ That you just didn't take ♪

♪ And who would've thought, it figures ♪

D-I. Feel good about that so far.

Yeah. We're on our way.

We forgot an R, that's what it is. D-I--

We're going with the A or are we sneaky H'ing it?

I think there's a sneaky H possibly after the D,

possibly in the middle, possibly at the end.

I think there's no D.

What if you just wrote, "hot poops"?

It's easy, D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A. Diarrhea.

- Oh, pretty good. - It is.

Yeah, it looks right.