Original subtitles

There you go.

- Okay. - Ooh!

Oh, oh, oh! I see.

Okay, here's to us.

We did it.

Just the two of us, some tasty cocktails.

- Mine's got smoke in it. - How badass are you?

Hmm. You know who'd love that smoke thing? Felix.

- Oh! Rrr! Remember our deal? - Yes, sorry. Yes.

No, no, no. We're not gonna talk about the kids.

And we love them, they're great, but we go

on and on about them like they're the Royal Family.

Yes. One evening without talking about kids.

- Thank you. - Comin' up. Hmm.

So...

Go ahead. - Go ahead, me go ahead?

- Yeah. - Okay, that's um...

When you're a parent, it's not like

your kids are the only topic of conversation.

It's just that sometimes, it's hard to think

of anything else to talk about that you haven't already

talked about since having kids.

- Oh, no. - Huh?

- Look at these two. - Oh, my God.

So sad! Like strangers.

- Yeah, just a couple of husks. - Oh!

- Out for a bite. - Aww!

- Good one.

Yeah.

So, do you think they wash these tablecloths every night?

Oh, probably a lot of laundry in a place like this.

- A lot of laundry. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Hello, my name is Gwen. - Oh, hi.

And I am genuinely happy to be serving you this evening.

How is your night going?

Um, pretty good. Thank you for asking.

Yeah? You got a lot of interesting tables?

Any-any funny, funny patrons?

I'm sure you've got stories working in a restaurant

like this. Can you imagine?

Not really, no. It's quite peaceful.

Although, our owner did bring in their kids once which was--

- No, no, no. - Not-not helpful.

Okay. Just leave you with the menus then.

Okay, thank you.

And here are your appetizers.

- Alright. - Oh, wow!

Split pea soup

with a sourdough dust and Yorkshire ham foam.

Ham foam. Wow, it's like a pork latte.

What part of the pig does the foam come from?

I think the top.

Bon appétit. Enjoy.

- All right. - Okay, here we go.

Wow, it's actually amazing.

Right? I mean, it is crazy

how much pork they pack into that ham foam!

Unbelievable. So uh, anything happen at work?

Yes, an interesting thing did happen

and I have a story about it that you are gonna love.

That's perfect for what we're doing, talking. Begin.

Whew. So, I'm sending emails

to a yogurt company, and I was like,

"Boosh, crushed those emails.

My work is done for the day.

I am just gonna chill until it's time to go home."

You said that to yourself?

And then, Ennis was like,

"Ooh, actually,

we have a meeting with Marla later."

He doesn't know what it's about, all he knows is like,

"Ooh, I got a new app where you order food

and then date the delivery person, or whatever."

So, Marla comes in, and she's like,

"Roar, roar, roar. I'm Marla."

She stands in the middle of the office and she goes--

"Attention everybody!

The rep from Fintekoäly wants a meeting

to discuss metadata and how it can get more customers

to buy more groceries.

And I need everybody at the top of their game.

Roar, roar, roar." And I'm like,

"Marla, you can go ahead and call me a murderer

because I'm gonna kill it."

And she-she liked that.

She's a big fan. And she says to me,

"James... You, I trust.

You... I trust!

This is the biggest, most important meeting we've ever had

and I need you to check and make sure

there's enough coffee."

So, Ennis and I get to the kitchen

and I realize...

...there is no mugs in the cupboard. None.

You're talking like that's a big deal.

So, I'm gonna pretend like it is for now.

Marla wanted coffee. Coffee goes in mugs.

There's no clean mugs. We gotta clean those mugs!

Sorry, I'm just glancing at the menu.

So, Beth comes in and she's like,

"The dishwasher's broken." .

"Dun, dun, dun..."

She goes on to like, blame the machine or something,

but all I hear is, "My name is Beth

and I never rinse my plates.

I put in full meals and cruddy cutlery in there

'cause I was raised by a...

group of surly wolves."

And everybody in the office is like...

What are we gonna do?!

"Oh no. Are you gonna...

What are we... How do we... oh!"

And I see this dishwasher, and I go, "You know what?

I can fix that dishwasher."

And I pull that dishwasher away from the wall

and I see this hose has got a little crink on it.

And I take two hands on that hose

and I smooth out that crink.

Look at that...

Dishwasher fixed. By me.

Boom!

Story you haven't heard.

So, double boom!

- Why did you not just

wash the mugs in the sink?

Why can't you just be proud of the thing that I did?

It was a lot of build up. You should have started with,

"I fixed the dishwasher," and then, just called it.

Okay, you know what? It's very easy to be a critic

when you're not being brave and bravely going first.

I'm sorry, you're the brave one?

You're the brave one, James?! - I mean--

You're the brave one!

Do you remember when you thought there was a burglar

in the yard?

I was up rocking Morris.

- Yeah, no, you said a kid name. - Damn it! I mean...

I was rocking out,

as I often do, alone, in the dead of night.

Then you came down all freaked out.

You were like, "I heard scary noises outside."

Um... I was alert...

and ready to protect our home.

It was you who was all like,

"Oh! Oh, my God, what if it's a murderer in the shed?

Because I never, ever close the shed door.

It's actually crazy how I forget to close it

like, every time. Save me, James!"

Well, then we heard the noise again.

And it was getting closer.

So you were stress eating, and you were saying,

"A-doi, should we call the cops?"

I was casually eating a tub of ice cream,

and I said, "Should we yell into the backyard

that we called the cops to like, scare them away? Cool move."

I bravely went to the back door

to check it out. Then we both freaked out

...because there was a noise

in the house.

Oh no. Yeah, I forgot

the little detectives got involved.

The detectives were like...

"What are you talking about?

Why would you pretend to be the police?"

"Who are you trying to scare?

Is the red ghost involved?"

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, you can't just replace kids

with detectives and then pretend we're not talking about kids.

All right, I can skip that part.

No, you can't skip that 'cause the-the story has more...

detectives in it. The noise was an opossum

and Viv wanted to keep it. - Oh, no. We're boring!

- No. - We've become boring.

- How dare you? How very dare. - No, we are the boring parents

that just have cute stories about their kids to talk about,

like when Viv made friends with the tree.

No, no, we are not boring. They're the boring.

- Look at that!

That's way more interesting than us!

I don't wanna look. Look, here's the problem,

the problem is that we need to do something

that's story worthy, and then-- - Okay.

... when we talk about it, it'll be fresh!

Will you be joining us tonight for main courses?

- Here's something. - Idea.

We'll have whatever the chef wants to make us.

She'd love to make you something from the menu.

The specials. We never heard the specials.

We don't know what they are, and we don't wanna know.

- Hoo! - Two specials.

So, two specials. Now just FYI

for my favourite table,

we are having a bit of trouble with our dishwasher.

So, we are backed up

in the kitchen. - Trouble with the dishwasher,

you say? James? - Aha, yes.

Well, you have the...

you have the dishwasher whisperer.

- Is it true, though?

Huh?

Are you a dishwasher whisperer?

James, we are in do-something mode.

You better go over there and do something!

Go on, James! - You know what?

Take me to your dishwasher. - Woo! There he goes.

- Okay, dishwasher whisperer. - I'm just walking

in this direction. - Yeah, just to your right there. Absolutely.

That's my man! Just doin' it!

I'm confused.

The dishwasher was a guy.

They were having trouble with a guy.

Did you try to fix him?

He did not want to talk with me.

He's... was going through some personal stuff.

What took you so long?

- I did some of the dishes. - James...

I'm sorry. Can we just talk about the kids?

- No! - I don't care. Who cares?

We'll just talk about the kids! - I think I'm gonna

have to go nuclear. Now, listen,

I have something that I'm not supposed to share.

It's a secret.

- What?! - It's about Dawn.

Oh, I'm ready. Please tell me.

I will tell you everything. After the break.

- What? - The bathroom break

I'm about to take. I really gotta go.

Yeah, she got me.

Hmm. - So, you know the old,

boring couple from the booth? - Uh, Milquetoast Mike

and Beige Barbara? - They're having sex

in the bathroom. - They're what? They're what?!

No. They're trying to outdo us. - They've already outdone us.

What do we have, two new drinks with probably dumb names?

This Buffalo Nipple is delicious

and I ordered us new cocktails 'cause I thought

we'd want drinks when you tell me the-the Dawn story.

Oh. Oh yeah, okay, so it's a Dawn and Bo story.

- Oh, my God,

is Bo leaving Dawn? Wait, don't tell me. Wait.

Is it Dawn leaving Bo? Wait, don't tell me,

has Corey been dead the whole time?

Two good guesses and one great movie, but no.

Okay, so everybody at work was going for Vietnamese tacos

or vegetarian seafood, and I was like, pass!

But I was hungry,

so I called Dawn to see if she was at work.

Get her to buy you lunch. Smart.

No, I wanted to make sure Dawn was at work

because I wanted to raid her fridge.

So, there I am. I'm goin' at it with the fancy olives,

the leftover Wagyu beef, these pastries with cheese.

Yeah, Bo's goat cheese and cranberry parcels.

Ooh! They are to die for.

To die for! And I hear a noise from upstairs.

It's Bo, but like, moaning.

And at first, I think,

"Is he hurt? Did he slip in the shower?"

But there's something about the moaning.

No, thank you!

Yeah, so I'm about to bolt, right,

but then, I see two empty wine glasses

on the table and clothes on the floor.

Please tell me they were not strewn.

They were totally strewn.

Bo is cheating on Dawn?

Could you tell by the clothes, who it was?

Well, the clothes didn't look like they were Dawn's,

but then again, I didn't have two little detectives with me

running DNA samples, James.

Don't bring them up. What did you do?

I texted Dawn and I said I need to talk to her

and it was an emergency.

So, there I am in the park, waiting for my beloved sister,

wondering how the hell I'm gonna tell her that--

Where'd you get the chips?

Chips? I didn't say I had any chips.

Oh, I was just picturing you with chips.

Sorry, I-I guess I'm just hungry. Go ahead.

So, then, Dawn shows up. And I'm like,

"There's something I have to tell you about Bo."

But before I can get into it, she goes off about how,

"Oh... oh, I'm so lucky to have such an open-minded

and loving husband who's such a good dad to our weird son.

And we're so rich and our house smells like a store

and blah, blah, blah, blah." Then she starts talking about

how good Bo is in bed, saying,

"Oh, our sex life has never been better.

We're doing it like, twice a day."

Ugh, with each other?

So, I'm sitting there listening to her fawn over Bo

and my heart is just breaking. I'm barely eating my chips.

Ah! You did have chips.

Finally, she's like, "Sorry, anytime someone

brings up my Bo, I just can't shut the hell up about him.

But you have Bo news?"

But I-I-I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

What did you do?

I... told her that you...

"James lost the beautiful pants that Bo crocheted for him.

And said he cried."

What?! Why would you say that?

I dropped those off at a cat shelter.

Why did you say I cried?!

I'm so sorry and I'm-I'm also sorry that--

Bo will make you a second pair.

So, I go back to the house.

And what do I see?

Bo and one of his old floozies

from his crocheting company.

Ah! And so, I start

laying into Bo.

"Listen, you patchouli huffing pseudo-hippie,

you flip-flop wearing grandma humper,

how dare you cheat on my sister! How dare you!"

Yes, how dare! I love this!

Oh, oh, I was going off.

I was literally about to tackle Bessie or Gertrude

or whatever the hell her name was,

when Dawn comes in, she starts holding me back!

She's like, "Oh, my God! Don't attack Myrtle!

She's got crummy bones from being 400 years old."

And I'm going, uh, "FYI, your husband

thinks those bones are great.

That's why he's jumping them in the middle of the day!"

Ooh! Ya burnt!

Bo, clueless as ever goes, "I never jumped on Myrtle."

Barf. Hate it. Myrtle's like,

"She means we're having sex. Dumbass."

Now, Bo's all flustered and I go, "Ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha!

She admits it!" But then, the old lady freaks out,

"If I had a knife, I'd cut you.

You're a liar and a thief!"

I look at Dawn for some support,

and she's laughing her butt off, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, like, how droll?

You snuck in here to eat our bougie snacks

like a peasant, and the whole time,

Bo and I were like, fully upstairs having sex.

And you assumed it was like, Mrs. Claus,

and came back here to defend my honour?

That's hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!"

It made me wanna break things!

- I'm so confused. - Dawn lied about being at work.

- Yeah. - Because she didn't wanna

have lunch with me. - Right.

Because she was in the Bo zone.

But I don't understand why that's a secret?

The secret is why.

They're trying for another baby. - What?! No. Really?

Yes. And they're even sending Corey away

to Swiss boarding school so they have more time.

What?!

This is so exciting!

Our night of blasé conversation is over

and now it's just a rollercoaster ride

to fun mountain.

- All right, your main courses.

Here we go. There you are.

This is the special?

Yeah, market chicken and seasonal vegetables.

Would you care for some fresh ground pepper?

I don't understand how this is a special?

There's nothing special about this.

Ooh, that's funny, I didn't see you try it.

And last I checked, you know, flavour and mouth feel

happen when you ate the food.

So, how about that pepper?

We'll take all the help we can get.

You know, keep an open mind. The chicken is very subtle.

Well, so much for fun mountain.

I think I have to go to the bathroom.

- So, go. - You wanna join me?

- Oh, what, really? - Hmm?

- Well. - Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry about that.

Don't be sorry. It was gross in there.

I'm just a bed guy, I think. Right?

How did they do it?

- I don't know but they look

like the kinda people who'd love to tell us.

Maybe we should just get the bill and go.

Hey, what's happening? We're having a night out.

Who cares if we don't do something crazy

or if we talk about the kids?

I just hear like, the young idiots at work

talk about their lives and their drama,

and sometimes I miss the story that's just us.

Well, there's nothing more us than those kids.

They're literally a mix of us.

Yeah, I know. They're all we talk about.

So? I mean, all Ennis talks about

is the women he dates. All Marla talks about is work

and fantasy TV. All your mom talks about is how people died.

- Yeah,

that's her love language.

Well, let's just keep talkin' about 'em

until we're very, very old.

Yeah, and I'm gonna have a new niece or nephew

to talk about before then.

Me too! New niece and nephew for both of us.

You only hang out with my family because you love me.

I love your family.

I went to Corey's theremin recital without you.

I shopped for Bo's birthday present with your sister.

Your mom and I hung out at the office one time.

I went to Corey's theremin recital without you.

Did you say you hung out with my mom?

Oh. Um...

Yeah, isn't that a thing I ever told you?

Refresh my memory?

So, I was having coffee with your mom

and she's going on about her friend Gloria,

who was buried alive,

or her arms fell off, or something.

But she did say that Gloria had taken magic mushrooms

and had this really meaningful experience.

And she was kinda dancing around it, and I was like,

"Uh, Nisha, do you wanna do mushrooms?"

And she was like, "I kinda do."

But she also swore me to secrecy,

like I could never tell you or Dawn.

Because she's a hypocrite.

She hammered us so hard as kids to say no to drugs.

McGruff the Crime Dog was the entertainer

at Dawn's ninth birthday.

Wow. Anyway, I go to somebody

with a little bit more experience

about this kinda thing, Ennis,

but he goes, "Ooh, I haven't done shrooms

since the fire department had to pull me

out of a cherry tree in High Park."

But then, I feel a hand on my shoulder,

a voice in my ear.

"Looking for a little ego death?

'Cause Mama knows the way to Smurf village."

Marla?!

Marla, right? Marla!

So, one night when you were away with the kids,

Marla invited us to come to Gero's.

You did it at Gero's?

Gero's is kinda Marla's sanctuary.

So, she acts as like, the guide for the whole thing.

She made us this tea and she was all like,

"I micro-dose all the time at work.

It keeps the rage at bay.

Tell Mr. Gero, I'll kill ya! Bottoms up!"

But this, this was no micro-dose. It was like...

"I'm trippin' balls, man."

"Life is infinity.

Death happens, but life never stops."

Anyway, at one point, your mom and I

were just looking at each other intently for like,

a really long time. And she says,

"I see the future in your eyes.

I see you and I see Astrid,

and I see the children, and you're happy.

And the world is right.

And I'm at peace."

So, you told me a story about a dishwasher

when you had a story about doing shrooms with my mom?

The point is, my love,

that family is not what stops us

from new, exciting stories. They're our greatest source.

Hmm. Yeah.

We can still make exciting things happen for us.

- Hmm. - Like...

I mean, I don't feel like paying for this crappy dinner.

Do you? - Well, either,

I mean, you pay for it or I pay for it.

It's the same account, so I'm not sure what we're--

No, no, I mean, like...

maybe we shouldn't...

Oh you're... you're talking about a dine and dash situation?

Hmm? Hmm?

Okay. Uh... yeah. Let's do it.

- What?! No! - Yeah.

- Seriously? - Come on, baby.

We're bad boys. We're like Bonnie and Clyde.

Well, they killed people and robbed banks.

Right, right, but we're Hamburglar

and Hamburglar's wife.

Or Hamburglar and her husband.

- James! - Yeah, no, okay,

just start the car and I'll meet you out front.

- Oh, my God, okay. - Yeah, it's happening.

- Wait, really? - Mm-hmm.

Just play cool. Play it cool.

- Are we doing this? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, my God. - There you go, breathe.

- And make a break for it.

- Here I go. - Love you, baby.

Ah!

Hey, sorry, excuse me.

Can I pay? - Oh yeah, for sure.

To have kids with someone

is to have a topic of conversation for life.

Not that you have to talk about your kids.

To quote Mark Twain, "If you have nothing to say,

say nothing." Yeah, but to quote

Shania Twain, "Let's give 'em something to talk about."

That is not a Shania Twain song.

What are you even saying? You have to keep doing

cool stuff for the stories. We should go to Vegas!

Let's definitely talk about it.

Wow, thanks so much for the tip!

Hmm. Guess they really liked that ham foam.

Are the shrooms kicking in for you yet?

I don't know. I think so.

Of course they are.

Where're you even getting shrooms, Marla?

I don't buy drugs, James.

This is my own special blend

of magic and mayhem.

Ooh, that mayhem have a name?

Like the... Wizard's Nightcap.

Or it's gotta be weirder and more random than that.

Blue Bubble Dog Walker.

Hmm. Derek's Silver Honda.

Mashed Potato Sunset.

The Devil's Side Salad.

Yeah, that's pretty good, or--

The Devil's Side Salad.

- Works for me, yeah. - That works. Yeah.