Original subtitles

ASTRID: Oh, crap, I forgot Viv’s sun hat.

Viv, come over here.

Here you go. - That’s the baby’s hat.

ASTRID: When you’re out in the world,

interacting with your kids,

your parenting is being judged.

- Momma, I’m hungry.

- Um...

Well, I have some of this latte for you.

There’s some caramel in it.

JAMES: Everyone has an opinion.

Other parents, your parents, Twitter,

people who will never have kids but still think they know best.

- Mmm. Yummy.

ASTRID: And you can’t help but judge yourself.

Are you a good mother?

Are other dumb, perfect little goody goodies

better at raising kids than you?

Well, maybe.

- I need to blow my nose.

- Oh, okay. Yeah. I’m just gonna...

All that judgment can make you feel unworthy,

especially if you’re having an off day.

- A sock? - Hundred percent cotton.

Pretty soon you start second-guessing yourself.

- Ever use a maxi pad for a diaper?

I have.

- Oh, my God.

I don’t think I’ve changed Andrew all day.

Do you have another maxi pad?

- I do. Yeah.

Let me check here. Okay.

I got a corkscrew.

Pregnancy test-- oh, there it is.

- There he is, Mr. Fix It.

- How’s it going there, Mr. Shirt and Tie?

- Yeah, well, that’s...

Do you need a hand or...

- No, I’m good. I’m used to doing this alone.

- Okay. Yeah.

Cool.

You speak to Mom? - No, no.

You? - No.

Yeah.

Who’s that? Hey. Oh, look at that.

It’s Viv.

- Mommy says it’s Morris’ bedtime.

- Tell her I’ll be up in a second.

And stop calling Andrew Morris, you crazy nut.

- I’m not a nut.

- No, I, I, I know, baby. I know...

I didn’t mean it. I don’t know.

- I was just a bit surprised

that you called the new one Andrew,

what with Sketchy Andy.

[chuckles]

- Who’s Sketchy Andy?

- Well, Sketchy Andy was this,

this real weirdo that--

- He sold hash.

- Browns by the seashore.

- Yeah. Your dad was basically hooked on potatoes.

- No, no, that’s no more than anybody else in high school.

- Mm-hmm.

- How come Uncle Taylor never came

to my birthdays or dinner or anything?

[timer chiming in other room]

My turn to use the iPad. Bye.

TAYLOR: All right.

- The bell rang.

It is my turn.

- I didn’t hear it ring. - It’s still ringing.

- I just need a few more minutes.

- It’s my turn now, we said.

[primal snarling] - Viv, stop growling.

Felix, give the iPad to your sister.

- [laughing]

- Give it!

- Hey. Hey. Absolutely not. No.

- But it was my turn.

- I don’t care whose turn it is, we don’t push.

Apologize right now. - No.

- My baby dinosaur is dead because of you.

- Felix. All the dinosaurs are dead.

Viv, apologize now.

- [roars] - Hey. Whoa. What is going on?

Why is Viv roaring?

What? What? It’s okay. Hey.

- Felix and Mommy are being mean to me.

- What? Okay. What did they do?

- She shoved Felix and I asked her to apologize.

- Okay. Why did you do that?

- James? Doesn’t matter why.

- Yes, it does! [roars]

- Hey. - Yeah. Yeah.

You’re heading out?

- Hardware store.

- Right on.

[baby Andrew wailing]

- Hi.

- Hi. - Awww...

Don’t you wish they could sleep like that forever?

- Do I wish our children were in comas?

Sometimes, yes.

I think Viv was just tired, that’s all that was.

- She’s testing her limits.

We have to be firmer with her.

- I think we have to diffuse the situation

when things get crazy like that.

Like with support or a hug.

- How’s hugging it out with your brother going?

- Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good, good.

- Yeah? Is it good? - Yeah.

- What’s he been doing the last ten years?

Still mad at you? - Oh, no.

- Is he seeing anyone? Is he happy?

- Yeah. We don’t really cover that part of it.

- Right on.

- Look, Taylor and I are never gonna have

some sort of heart to heart.

We’re just too different.

Like in blood from a stone. - That’s sad and dumb.

And I don’t want that to happen to our kids.

- No and never.

I mean, they’re just gonna sleep it off.

- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! - I’m not doing anything.

- What a nice breeze. - Stop! I’m not the wind!

- Hey, Viv. Get off your brother.

- He’s saying I’m the wind when I’m Viv.

- Okay. Yesterday was an angry, yelly day.

Let’s make today a calm, loving day.

- And making kites fly day.

- Stop it! I’m not the wind!

- Hey! Look at this.

If I press this button,

everything on this iPad gets erased.

- No! - No, no.

- Stop yelling and apologize to each other

or say goodbye to Candy Crush, the baby dinosaur game,

the one where you give a cat a shower.

- No! - No!

- I was gonna flag that our income spreadsheets are...

- Right now.

- I’m sorry, Viv. - I’m sorry, Felix.

- I’m sorry. - I’m sorry.

- Now start tidying up.

Pronto.

Mom, you should have seen them.

My poor little babies were so scared

and I felt so bad, but I also felt powerful.

- Channeling your dad? That’s fun.

- No, I, I didn’t like it,

but I really think these kids need discipline.

You know, like, James is such a great dad, but he’s a softy.

And with Felix, it worked fine because he’s so easygoing.

But, but Viv needs boundaries.

- Do you remember my friend Kathleen

who burned your foot on the curling iron?

- No. - Her son

used to steal car radios,

but now he’s a DJ on the radio.

Sometimes you just have to do nothing

and wait for the storm to pass.

Okay. I think the smoker’s all set.

- Why are you having your party at Dawn’s place?

- Well, we can’t have a party for Graham at my house.

It will give it away. - Oh, it’s a surprise?

- Yes, but he knows about it. He hates being startled.

I hope the kids like bison.

- I hope I like bison.

- Damn it. This is the big one, people.

The cananas du Quebec situation

has officially gone sideways on us.

- Oh, a problem at the L’Oncle Gero?

- Are you taking French now or--

- Someone should because then maybe

we would know what the French word is

for "pineapple." - "Ananas."

- Yes, "ananas" as in "cananas"

except for at Gero’s, "cananas" are canned bananas,

not ananas.

I promise you one thing.

If I go down,

I am taking every one of you with me.

Scorched earth. - Okay. Okay.

But Marla, instead of "fananing" the flames,

perhaps we just...

calmly communicate the misunderstanding.

- Oh, we will respond.

And we will be firm and categorical.

They’re swinging their swords at us.

And, baby, we are gonna batter, batter, batter, swing back.

- I’m sorry. This is the third time Astrid’s called,

I have to take this. But I implore everyone to adopt

a soft approach on this.

Remember: We’re all in this together.

Hello?

Wh--?

[school bell rings]

What else did she say?

- Just that Viv got mad and got into some kind

of physical altercation.

Oh, my God. Did Viv...

- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. Can you imagine?

No. I was free soloing at my climbing gym.

JAMES: Oh...

- [both laughing] - Okay.

- So I asked to meet with you today

because Viv painted one of her classmates.

- And it was unflattering?

- She didn’t paint a picture of her classmate.

She painted the actual child, covered him in paint.

- Oh. - Oh...

- Josh, the student that she attacked,

apparently he wasn’t-- - Well, I’m sorry. "Attacked"?

Is that the right word? - She pounced on him

and held him down while she covered his face in paint.

- We’re listening. - Apparently Josh hadn’t been

rinsing his brush between paint colors,

which more or less ruined some of the paints

for the other students. - Well, that is annoying.

- Viv reacts strongly

when she feels that someone has acted unjustly.

- Like a hero. But I mean, just basically

what you’re describing is Batman.

- Nobody wants to send their kids to school with a Batman.

She gets too upset

and then she acts out sometimes aggressively.

Viv is very bright, but she is unfocused and distracted.

Have you considered getting her assessed?

- That’s just Viv being Viv.

She’s been going through a lot lately.

A lot of big changes.

We had another baby.

- Mm-hmm. - I went back to work.

We almost moved.

And to be fair, I, I lose my temper, so...

- Well... - It makes sense that Viv also--

- Also my estranged brother just moved into the basement.

Our parents were very hard on us,

so I’m like too far the other way.

- Absolutely. - I avoid conflict.

I mean, that’s like my whole thing,

avoiding conflict. - This is his thing.

- I have two more meetings after this.

There are several spirited children in this class.

- Oh, with the other kids.

Is, is it the parents’ fault?

It’s a smart pot.

It boils and brews all in one, adapts to any tea.

It’s insulated and has an app,

so I can control it from anywhere in the world.

- I can see how that’s useful. - Mm-hmm.

- So... have you talked to Viv yet?

- Oh, yeah. - No.

The teacher really rattled us.

I just don’t wanna do the wrong thing again, you know?

But what’s the right thing?

It’s not like kids come with manuals.

- Actually-- - Actually--

- What? Corey came with instructions?

Were they tucked into the, the, the velvet bag

he was delivered in?

- Corey did not have a velvet bag, Astrid.

- Oh, that gorgeous sleep sack from Deiter and Pepe?

- Oh, he did have a velvet bag, I’m sorry.

What I mean is our parenting book library.

- [beeps] - The beep means it’s steeped.

- We read them before Corey’s birth

to prepare for any hiccups in his development.

- Okay. And did they help?

- You know, we’ve never actually needed them.

- Everything’s going perfectly. You have the perfect child.

- Thank you.

But no, you can’t have our child, Astrid.

But you can have our parenting books.

- And you can have a perfectly brewed cup of tea.

- Christ, stick, my lips!

- Need a hand?

- Blueprints for my new room. - Uh-huh.

What’s wrong with your old room?

- [sighs] My sister.

I’m trying to get enough egg points

to earn this rare dinosaur.

But she wants to freak out all the time.

It’s not working. - Siblings are tricky.

Some days you hate each other’s guts.

Some days you’re the best of friends.

Maybe give it a minute.

- Nah. We’re too different.

Like you and Dad.

Can we put a trap door in here for intruders?

- We’re already in the basement, kid.

Who said that your dad and I are too different?

- That’s what he said.

"You can’t make rocks squirt blood" or something.

- Yeah. Well, you might wanna reconsider moving

to the basement, could get lonely.

- You can hang out sometimes.

- Yeah? - If you get lonely,

you should buy an iPad.

- If I get lonely, we’re talking about you.

- You sound pretty lonely.

- Get out of here.

"Sound lonely."

ASTRID: Children may not be born with manuals,

but that’s all right, because every vegan chef

and out of work celebrity has written one for you.

JAMES: The catch is,

while you’re buried in a parenting book,

your problem child is running amok

and dinner isn’t making itself, so...

ASTRID: You turn to mother’s little helper.

JAMES: Valium?

ASTRID: No, not your mother’s little helper.

I mean the internet.

JAMES: But with so much information

to wade through, it’s easy to get overwhelmed,

veer off course,and wind up more lost than you started.

- I’m learning about fundamental mistakes that I’ve made.

How about you?

- Yeah, I’m learning about what a bad parent I am.

Also about a bunch of urban legends

where the children ends up being a ghost.

- Oh, send me those links. - Okay.

- Ready to talk to the kids? - No.

But that’s never stopped us before.

Wow. - Ooh.

- Look at that.

It’s a nice castle. - Real nice.

- It’s more of a jail, but thanks.

- Felix, we have to have a chat with Viv.

Would you mind giving us some privacy?

- I won’t listen to her getting in trouble.

I’m busy with the move.

- Nobody’s getting in trouble. Also, what move?

- Uncle Taylor is building me a condo in the basement.

- Hm. Condos going in everywhere.

This city needs a plan.

- James, can we just focus on this

before all the parenting advice I crammed to my brain

escapes through my nose? - Okay.

Viv, we spoke with your teacher about what happened

at school with Josh.

- He turned all the paint brown

and I could not finish my unicorn.

- It--it’s okay to get mad, but--

you can’t-- - Empathy first.

- Yes. - Right.

- Viv, I hear you. -Uh-huh.

- And I understand

that Josh has doo-doo brains.

- Well, I don’t think that’s-- - I know. Yeah.

- Okay. Listen. Viv, it’s okay to be upset,

but how--Viv?

- She’s not even listening. She’s building her dumb thing.

- It’s a jail and you’re going in it.

ASTRID: Hey, guys-- - Me?

You’re the one who’s bad all the time.

- Hey. No. Felix. - Felix?

Viv, you’re not bad at all.

That’s not what this is about.

Oh.

Sorry.

- [primal screaming]

- Okay. Well, we botched it. We botched it.

- No, I think my mom was right. We should just stop trying.

She’s probably fine. - Yeah.

Hey. Who wants to watch a show?

- Me! - Me!

- I’ll get-- I’ll get Morris. Oh, God.

I mean Andrew. - Just call him Morris.

Who cares?

Hey. Sorry I had to bail yesterday,

but I did come up with some great ideas.

- Try this, James.

- Uh...

Oh, my God. What is-- am I drinking sunscreen?

- Try it.

- It’s the canana colada.

- Mm. Thick.

- It’s a pina colada,

but made with cananas instead of pineapple.

- We’re gonna spin this fiasco like a dreidel on Hanukkah.

- For one day only, Quebec consumers get a free canana.

They fall in love with the taste,

come back for more, and we jack up the prices.

- Just like drug dealers. I invented it.

- But you never do anything.

- Yes, I do. I do things.

I--I did this. - Mm-hmm.

- I cleaned up all the crackers that I spilled.

[smoker hissing]

- Wow.

So Felix tells me Taylor is coming.

- He is?

Oh. - Oh...

Are you two still fighting?

- It’s unclear.

Kind of a gray, unspoken aloofness right now.

Which is fine. Totally fine. -Oh.

- I think.

Oh, oh, no.

- You’re over an hour late.

- No one wanted to wear shoes or get in the car.

James and I are sick of fighting with them.

We’re taking your approach and just giving up.

- I never gave up on parenting you.

There’s a difference between picking your battles

and throwing in the towel.

- Mom, we’re not really giving up.

- You were supposed to bring a side dish.

You brought mayonnaise.

And your fly is undone.

- Wait, Mom.

What, what is the big deal?

- Graham and I broke up.

- You did?

- [sighs] He wanted me to move into a compound.

I wanted him to move in with me.

Bottom line is, he is not ready for kids.

- Are you talking about me and Dawn?

- Well, sure, you can be a handful.

- Mom, we’re adults who live in our own homes.

- [screeching] Stop! - Boys only, Viv.

- That’s not fair!

- Or what, you’re gonna freak out about it?

- Oh. - Hey, Viv, stop it!

JAMES: Viv. Viv, stop--

- Viv, stop it! - Viv, stop, stop.

- Oh!

JAMES: Viv. Stop, stop.

Viv, stop it. - Viv!

JAMES: Don’t do that. Come on now.

Viv, listen. - Viv.

- Oh, put that down. - Viv. Viv. Viv.

- The bison!

- No. No, no, no. - No, no, no.

- Get over--

- Get away from me.

- [clears throat] Sorry I’m late. I...

I’m, uh, James’ brother.

What the hell was that?

- They weren’t letting me play!

- Viv, I don’t care!

You don’t throw things at people.

You don’t hurt people.

There could have been a fire

and somebody could have been seriously hurt.

You don’t do that, Viv.

- I didn’t mean to. It just happened.

I can’t stop. I hate--I hate how I am!

- Look at me.

Hey. Look at me, Viv.

Everybody loves you, okay? - Okay.

- You’re so smart and you’re funny.

You have a great throwing arm.

And you have a lot of big feelings, right?

I have big feelings too.

And if you let them take over, it can make your life

very, very hard.

But if you learn to control them,

it could also be your superpower.

- How?

- I’ll help you.

We’ll figure it out.

No matter how many mistakes you make, how angry you get,

Mommy and Daddy are always gonna love you, okay?

Yeah?

- Mommy? - Yes.

- Your zipper is down.

- What? Ugh, these jeans.

JAMES: I don’t know what to do with all this anger. [grunts]

- There you go. Well, she got good aim.

Slam right in the gooch.

[laughs] - Yeah.

I guess we sign her up for javelin lessons.

- Oh, look at you. You don’t gotta worry.

You and Astrid are good parents.

I hear you talking to each other, to the kids.

I hear everything. Your house is made of cardboard.

- One more thing that needs fixing, then, I guess.

- Well, it’s...

Mom and Dad never talked like that.

Not with all the yelling.

- Yeah. Yeah. Mostly at you.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Where did you pick that up? How did you learn how to--

- Well, Astrid. - Ah...

- Also podcast, but mostly Astrid.

- Astrid. - Yeah.

- I’ll never get used to that name.

- Okay. - She’s a good one.

I probably should have called.

- No. I, I should have called.

I’m...

I’m the one who does the talking, right?

- All right. - Yeah. Okay.

- Viv has something she would like to say to everyone.

- Sorry.

Sorry, Felix.

- It’s okay. I’m sorry, too.

- Want to play wolf and cheetah?

- Yes!

- [both make animal noises]

- Can you believe Graham didn’t wanna be a part of this family?

- What a loser.

Being a parent is like...

riding a rollercoaster that lasts decades.

There’s ups and downs.

JAMES: Mm. Parts that terrify you,

make you giddy, make you puke.

Sometimes you wish you never got on.

ASTRID: Sometimes you wish it would slow down

so that it can last forever.

- Mommy!

- No. Daddy. - Look, look,

I can’t--I can’t stop it. - [laughing]

JAMES: You won’t always do the best job.

You just won’t.

But if your kids are fed, safe, clothed,

and most importantly, surrounded by love...

- [kids laughing]

ASTRID: ...you’re doing pretty damn good.

Say good morning to Baby Morris.

- Good morning, Baby Morris.

You’re supposed to be asleep for another hour.

- Yeah.

- Is our baby named Morris now?

- No. No, no. It’s Andrew.

It’s just Morris is the word we use when referring to him.

- Literally what a name is.

- Doesn’t look like a Morris.

- Yeah. Andrew works too.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - Andrew.

- Andrew? [whistles]

Andrew? Hmm...

- Rock, paper, scissors? - Yeah.

- You’re Andrew. I’m Morris.

- Okay. Once and for all.

Oh, my God. - [Astrid laughs]

SINGER: ♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything kids ruin everything... ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ That children ruin everything ♪

♪ Na, na, na na, na, na, na, thing ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this... ♪