Original subtitles

[Astrid panting]

- Mommy, can you help me?

- I can’t hear you. Can you go ask Daddy?

Are you tangled?

VIV: Yes.

ASTRID: Newton’s First Law says

an object in motion stays in motion.

Unless that object has kids.

JAMES: Because kids have their own laws

and they could care less about yours.

- Can I brush your hair?

- Um, after my workout.

- Can we play hide and seek? - After you brush my hair.

JAMES: So when you have something to do...

ASTRID: They want food, they can’t find their shoes,

they need to tell you about the dog they saw.

JAMES: You love hearing about people’s dogs.

ASTRID: Yes, which is why it stops me every time.

Oh, my God. Oh.

Viv, where’s your father? - Asleep on the couch.

- Okay. This elliptical has not had a person on it in weeks.

Go wake him up.

- Can I jump on him?

- Sure.

VIV: Yes.

JAMES: Oh. Objects at rest

don’t get to stay at rest either.

[upbeat music playing]

- [sighs] - You ready to do this?

- Honestly, no.

But I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.

So, uh, let’s just do it anyway, I guess.

- Hmm. You said you wanted to move.

- I, I do. I wanna move.

JAMES: Okay.

- I just wanna be sad about it.

I’m complex.

- I understand. It’s gonna be so great.

We’re gonna be living room and family room people.

I don’t get what the difference is,

but we’re gonna learn. - Yes.

And we won’t hear music from that bar on Queen Street.

- Hmm.

- People outside laughing, smoking.

What’s so funny about cigarettes?

- Ugh. Kiss it all goodbye, my love.

- Okay. Let’s go.

- Okay, guys, listen up.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah. JAMES: Hey.

WOMAN: What’s your name?

- Ow!

- What? - "Ow"?

- Uh, I mean, don’t!

ASTRID: Getting your whines mixed up

is a sure sign of too much television.

- Okay. We got a big day ahead of us

because we have one week until our open house.

That’s the day where people come and they--

we try to convince them to buy our house.

- They can’t have my house. I’m not leaving!

- I know that change is hard,

but this is the decision that Daddy and I have made,

so even if we have to put you in one of the boxes,

you’re coming with us, so get excited. [trills]

JAMES: Now we have a big cleanup ahead of us.

There’s a very nice home

somewhere underneath all this stuff.

We just have to work together to find it.

- Even Baby Morris? - Baby Morris cannot clean.

FELIX: Why are we only making our house nice to sell it?

Why didn’t we make it nice before?

- That’s-- no, that’s, that’s right. That’s fair.

- Guys, remember how every time we clean, we find something fun?

Viv, maybe you’ll find the-- the little princess’ car.

- And her little brown dog?

- And her little brown dog.

- Treasure hunt!

- FYI, remember we found

the princess’ car underneath the lawnmower

and the little brown dog was in the driver seat.

- I remember. I was on the frontlines.

I moved the bodies. - Mm-hmm.

- Treasure hunt begins!

VIV: It already began. - Pew, pew, pew.

SINGER: ♪ It comes through the window ♪

♪ It comes through the floor ♪

♪ It comes through the roof ♪

♪ And it comes through the door ♪

♪ Dust is everywhere ♪

♪ Sweep ♪

- Hey, Viv, Viv!

SINGER: ♪ It sneaks in, ignored ♪

♪ It stacks up around ♪

♪ It follows, now swallow, you’re biting it now ♪

♪ Suffocate, suffocate ♪

ASTRID: You know, this would be a lot more helpful

if the kids weren’t helping. - Yeah.

- I just caught Viv washing a book.

- Okay. Now to get them in front of the...

- [both screaming] - Oh!

- Hey! - Oh! Oh, my.

Look what you did to James, you frightened him!

JAMES: Oh.

- How did you get in here?

- Well, I’m your realtor. I have a key.

- That key is for open houses and visits,

not casual pop-ins.

JENN: Understood.

Still learning.

Speaking of open houses, I did a whoopsie.

- Okay. Can you explain what that means

in non-baby talk terms?

- When I was planning your open house,

I was using last year’s calendar.

- Okay. So when-- when is the open house?

- Today. - What?

- Are you [bleep] serious? - Oh, this is my fault.

- Yeah, we’re aware.

- It’s just that I love my paper calendar.

I’m a total technophobe and an emetophobe.

It means I’m deathly afraid of vomit.

- Didn’t you used to be a nurse?

- Briefly. - Okay.

Well, look, we can’t clean all this in an hour.

So were--can we cancel?

- Well, yeah, of course, you can! [chuckles]

- Ah, okay.

- Well, hold on, if we cancel,

doesn’t that send a bad message to potential buyers?

- That’s a good point. Yes. Yes, it will.

- Hey, what, what if I was the realtor?

- Ooh.

Literally quite anyone can do it. You should.

- So--okay. How do we-- what do we--how do we...

JENN: I will start staging, you guys clean.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. [clears throat]

The sink’s full of dishes and the tub’s full of pubes.

- Well, you’re on pube duty.

- Yeah. - Lucky.

SINGER: ♪ Dust is everywhere, sweep ♪

♪ Sweep, sweep ♪

- [sighs] Hey.

- [groans]

JAMES: How you doing?

- My back’s broken, but at least this place

doesn’t look like a horse stable anymore.

- Put a bunch of laundry in the trunk,

which I think was pretty creative.

How you doing?

- I’m nervous, but excited.

And, uh, nursing a secret fear that our moving company’s

gonna steal everything we own.

- Oh, plastic toys, plaid shirts, so many mugs.

It’s gonna be a huge haul for them.

- And I’m, I’m worried about Viv.

- Yeah.

- She’s not good with transitions, you know.

She doesn’t--she doesn’t wanna leave the house to go to karate,

she doesn’t wanna leave karate to come home.

- She’s gonna have a side yard and a front yard.

Not just a backyard.

I mean, that’s like-- that’s like a lot of yards.

- Mm-hmm.

This place has so many memories.

- Mm-hmm. I know. We’re gonna take them all with us, my love.

We’re gonna pack ’em up with the mugs.

Wow. You know what? This place looks pretty good.

ASTRID: Yeah. It really does. We should move more often.

Just kidding. Never again.

- I see the, uh, cats are back.

- Oh, yeah, well, they did help convince you

to buy my mom’s house.

- They did not. - Nope.

- Hey. You know what, I got a pretty good feeling

that we are gonna get a big offer.

- Oh. So, I’m sure it would be a big offer

if we had done the work that we said we were gonna do

10 years ago. - Yeah.

My brother was supposed to do that

and we don’t, uh, you know, so it didn’t.

Anywho. Hey.

- Hmm. JAMES: Do you think maybe

we could jazz this place up with,

like, some fresh baked cookies or something?

- Oh, yeah.

- With the smell of, like, something?

- Ooh, I am way ahead of you.

In honor of this being my first open house,

I made my famous deviled eggs.

- Your first deviled eggs? - Mm-hmm.

ASTRID: Hmm.

- We can...

- Save them for the buyers. Okay.

Oh, look at that.

It is open house o’clock.

Okay. You guys get outta here, at least for a few hours.

Trust me, you don’t wanna hear

what people will say about your home.

- That it smells like eggs?

- We wait for the offers to roll in

and hopefully you leave here forever.

- Okay. I’m gonna grab Andrew.

Everybody put on pants!

Going anywhere with kids on foot takes extra time.

They walk slow, forget things,

get tired, get lost, get distracted.

You basically need to add an hour per kid

to your travel time.

ASTRID: If you’re in a hurry,

you’ll wish you were dead.

But if you’re looking to kill time,

going for a walk with kids will murder it

just about better than anything else.

Felix, where’s Viv?

- We were playing hide and seek, but I can’t find her.

- Viv! We’re leaving, let’s go!

- Viv, come on, we don’t have time for this.

Come out!

ASTRID AND JAMES: Viv!

- Can they buy our house with us still in it?

Viv says no.

[doorbell rings]

- She’s refusing to leave. - Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - [doorbell rings]

JENN: You need to go.

It’s completely inappropriate for the homeowners to be here

during an open house! I think.

- We’re not going anywhere. Viv is somewhere in this house.

- Hold on, these people don’t know

that we’re the owners.

We just blend in, casually look for Viv.

Oh, hon, this house!

Are you kidding? I mean, we gotta make an offer.

- No, no, honey. Don’t, don’t... ASTRID: Although,

we’ll probably be outbid by someone

who’s willing to pay a little extra, you know?

- That’s... Nope, that’s not right.

- I like how it doesn’t stink in here.

- Felix, buddy, too much.

- Wow, look at all this closet space.

Real nice. Viv.

- Hey. Come on.

- Oh, I’m, I’m just assessing.

- Have some respect.

- Don’t worry about it.

- Look how jammed with all their gross junk this thing is.

They don’t want you seeing this.

- Yeah, you’re right.

Hey, what do you think about this place?

Pretty nice, right?

Owners are dumb to sell, right?

- I mean, it’s got this weird smell.

The walls are paper thin and the roof’s a bit derpy.

I call it a gut job.

- I call you a gut job.

- Deviled egg?

Okay, we are losing them.

Will she not just come out on her own?

- She is very small, very stubborn.

If we don’t find her and drag her out,

she’s gonna grow up in these walls.

- Oh, come on.

How hard could it be to find a little kid?

- You’d be surprised.

There’s a lot of nooks and crannies in here.

We, we, uh, we had an Easter egg hunt one year,

it took the kids all day.

They were finding chocolate for months,

which taught us a valuable lesson

about hiding food in the walls.

Let me just say that, uh,

I became very close with an exterminator.

- Look, uh, great! So, so the mice are gone.

Check, check the no-pest box.

They’ve been removed.

- Oh, they did find raccoons up in the attic. Yeah.

Viv, she-- she wouldn’t want them to leave,

so she would sing up into the ceiling every night

trying to get them to stay.

- Yeah, but the raccoons are gone now, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The coywolves, they scared them away.

That’s like a half-coyote, half-wolf.

I’ll tell you something.

The wildlife around here

has just like a cool city edge to it, you know?

- Country living in the big city! [chuckles]

A nature lover’s paradise!

- [grunts]

Yeah.

The floor goes all the way to the wall.

It’s a--it’s a--it’s a goodie.

- Yeah, ew. It’s just a weird guy.

Yeah. Well, you know what, the house is all right.

Yeah. It’s a great neighborhood.

There’s this egg smell and it’s a gut job, but not bad.

Yeah. I’ll take some pictures.

[phone ringing]

- Viv, where are you?

You can’t move to a new house if I keep hiding.

It’s against the law to leave me here.

- Okay, Viv, honey, it--

the new house has a front yard and it’s on a cul-de-sac.

Which I know you don’t know what that means, but it’s--

you and Felix can walk to the park by yourself.

- I want to walk to our park with you.

- But that’s what we were trying to do, honey.

- Can you please just come out? - [call disconnected]

Oh.

This is my house, I’m never gonna sell it to you.

[upbeat music playing]

- Hmm.

It’s cool.

I’m the brother-in-law of this house.

ASTRID: Viv!

Bo?

- Astrid, you’re here.

- Correct. What is going on?

- Jenn asked me to remove my clogs

but said my bare feet were unsanitary.

- Bo, I cannot and will not look at your feet.

- Okay. - Why are you at our open house?

- Confession.

Dawn and I wanted to see how the place looked

all clean and staged and-- I don’t like socks.

- Still not gonna look.

Here, how about this? You gotta help us find Viv.

She’s hiding somewhere.

ENNIS: Yeah. She’ll get hungry and come out eventually.

- Hey.

- Anyone else I know gonna show up?

My boss, maybe, the nice lady from the pharmacy?

- I just came by to drop off the Halloween decorations

that I borrowed for Burk’s bachelor party.

Sorry, you have to excuse me, I’m a little hungover.

- Don’t vomit, you’re gonna scare our realtor.

- Ooh, a Halloween-themed bachelor party.

- Huh? No, no, it was a graveyard theme

because he’s getting married so it’s like he’s dead.

You get it? His life is over.

- Bo and I are both married.

- Yeah. And I’ve never felt more alive!

Except when I flew in a helicopter.

God, these socks.

- Uh, I left all the stuff

that’s still sticky from whipped cream in your bathtub,

so I’m gonna go.

- Did you say hi to James?

- Well, maybe it’s the hangover talking,

but I’m not exactly jazzed about you two leaving town, so...

- Did you tell him that?

ENNIS: Oh, yeah, right, it’s a great idea.

"Hey, James, here are all my feelings."

Embarrassed.

- Just gonna burden me with that then.

Okay. How about this?

You’re not going anywhere.

You are gonna check the laundry room for Viv,

you are gonna grill Felix.

He knows something, I know it.

We are leaving this house.

But not without my daughter.

DAWN: Ugh! Would you look at this thing?

They might as well heat the house by burning plastic.

Oh, and if you think that is bad,

wait till you see the derpy roof.

One heavy snowfall from collapse.

As someone who’s looking to buy, no thanks.

- Hmm.

- Hmm. - Hey, Dawn.

- [gasps] JAMES: How’s it going?

- Hmm.

- She’s not in any of the closets.

Hi, Dawn. DAWN: Hi.

- You here to judge my house?

- Yes. - She called me.

- What--where is she? - Okay. So I took a screenshot.

I think if we zoom in and enhance the background

right in this one spot, we can figure out...

- She’s in the nursery. I used Find My iPhone.

- Yeah, we’re a good team.

[phone ringing]

JAMES: [gasps] That little... ooh.

- Dammit. She’s messing with us.

- Hmm. She is in so much trouble.

But honestly, is she gifted?

Like, this is amazing. - Like, an actual genius?

JAMES: Uh-huh.

- Okay. I don’t even care about the open house.

Let’s find her. Viv!

- Viv! Viv!

ASTRID AND JAMES: Viv! JAMES: Hey, sorry.

Everybody, we’re looking for a little girl

who’s hiding somewhere in this house.

BO: Oh, no!

- What, did you see her, Bo?

BO: Sorry, no.

I just hate socks!

- [screams]

- Are you winning the race? - Yeah.

- Hey, watch out for the truck. Nice.

- Make yourself at home, why don’t you?

Wow.

- Get used to jerks like him.

The world is full of them.

- Okay. - Not your dad, though.

He’s a good friend.

And I... care about him.

Really hope we stay in touch.

- Me, too.

- Would you say that, Felix?

Would you say, "I really hope

we keep in touch with Uncle Ennis"?

- I really hope we keep in touch with Uncle Ennis?

- Yeah. "That’s my personal opinion."

- That’s my personal opinion.

- That’s perfect.

- Shh.

- Don’t--don’t shush me.

Do you know that you are stepping on my shoes?

- Yes.

- Do you know how much my shoes cost?

- No. - $500.

- $500? - Yeah, $500.

So you shouldn’t have stepped on them.

- You shouldn’t have spent so much money on ugly shoes.

- I found her! She’s down here!

You don’t know anything about men’s fashion, okay?

JAMES: So, Viv, that was frustrating

and kind of amazing, but also made us very worried.

- So? I don’t give a care.

- Hmm. Why are you so upset to move, honey?

- Because I won’t go to everyone’s birthday party.

- Well, I promise there’s gonna be kids

at the new school that have birthdays.

- Why are you so happy about moving?

- Because I think it’s gonna be really good.

You know, I moved away from where I grew up

and I met your mom.

And that turned out pretty good for me.

And you.

- Did you ever go back?

- To North Bay?

No. But that’s--was-- is a complicated--

um, my brother lives there and we don’t speak anymore and--

I mean, that’s--that has nothing to do with the moving.

The moving part that we’re gonna do,

that’s gonna be great.

- How do you know it’s gonna be great?

It can be stupid and full of bad guys.

- It--yes, it could be brimming full of bad guys.

And cursed by a wizard.

And also have a bunch of unreasonable bylaws.

But, when the five of us are together,

we can handle anything.

- Then why can’t we live here?

- The one bathroom thing is very difficult,

um, just to be honest.

- Mommy’s stuff takes up the whole sink.

- I know, right?

It’s like... [sighs] but don’t tell her that, okay?

But I’m on your side. Just know that.

JENN: Thank you and also merci. Yes.

Hey, thanks so much.

Don’t be a stranger, be a friend.

Hey, be a best friend.

- Hey, Jenn.

Uh, so thank you so much for the... experience.

JENN: Hey, no, thank you.

I’m the one who got the experience.

Hey, I’m no longer an open house virgin.

- [chuckles] Uh, it’s just not working out.

And it, it’s not you. - It isn’t?

- No, it is. - Okay.

- We’re just looking for someone

with a little more knowledge in...

what they are doing. JENN: No, I get it.

I actually just, uh, went through this

with my last client.

- With your mom?

- She suffers no fools.

Still, you know, it’s rough.

Getting fired the day I had my business cards made?

- It just says "Jenn." It doesn’t have a last name.

Or contact info.

- Oh, the back of the card didn’t print! Oh, well.

I’ve had people track me down with a lot less info. [chuckles]

So, I guess you don’t wanna hear about the offers?

JAMES: Offers? Sorry, offers plural?

Maybe a million over asking? Start a bidding war?

- Well, there were two offers, okay?

Now one was a lowball, but one was quite generous.

- Hmm. JENN: Yeah. In fact, I was like,

"Uh, I don’t think you have to bid that much." [chuckles]

- What was the offer?

Hello. You put an offer on our crumbling gut-job house?

- It’s for sale, isn’t that what you wanted?

- Bo, I know you live here, but please with the feet.

JAMES: So you were trying to tell people

that our furnace and roof were garbage

just so that nobody else would bid?

- Perhaps I was trying to discourage a bidding war,

but your roof and furnace are truly in terrible shape.

- Yeah, your own real estate brochure said so.

But there was a typo in the word "catastrophic."

- Dawn, we, we don’t need your charity.

But we will obviously take it, it’s just overstepping.

- It’s not charity. That house is filled with memories.

The time Corey lost his tooth on a popsicle.

Oh, the time Bo caught a mouse with a bowl.

- The time James and I lived there for 10 years.

- I put in the offer because...

I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else living there.

- [sighs]

DAWN: But if it were ours,

we were gonna renovate the basement

to double our rental income and then when you realize

what a huge mistake you made by moving,

we would kick those tenants to the curb.

- That’s... very sweet, Dawn.

In like a late stage capitalism kind of way.

- We love you, you big dummies.

I darned your dang socks.

[soft music playing]

- I think I wanna stay in our gut-job house.

- Me, too.

I just wanna give our gut-job house the gut job it deserves.

- Should we steal their idea and renovate the basement?

- Oh, I don’t think you could afford our guy.

He just put a third story on The Weeknd’s garage.

- I don’t need your guy.

I have family of my own.

[knocks on door]

[clears throat]

Hey.

TAYLOR: Hey... brother.

Well, the house has not aged well.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh. Yeah.

There’s a lot to fix.

- There’s a lot to fix.

Well, right on.

- Yeah, right on. - Yeah.

FELIX: This is going to be an actual room with normal walls!

- Will there still be spiders?

- Yeah, but they’ll all be inside the walls.

- Good.

- This can be any kind of room!

- I want a dojo!

- I want a pool table.

No, wait, or an escape room.

Can you make an escape room?

- No, honestly, a dojo’s probably the easiest.

But your parents want, uh, more living space

and an additional bathroom.

- But we already have a bathroom.

This should be an animation studio.

- One bathroom is stupid. - We don’t use that word.

- Well, it’s the right word for some stuff.

- I want a dog salon.

- Or a torture chamber.

- I want a candy store!

TAYLOR: Okay, I’m going up.

Have fun in the dark. - Hey!

VIV: Don’t leave us down here!

SINGER: ♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything, everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, thing ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, thing, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this... ♪