Original subtitles

[backup alarm beeping]

[car engine idling]

ASTRID: We own a house. - Mm-hmm.

- This is insane.

- Technically, we own crippling massive debt.

- That we get to live inside. - Mm-hmm.

ASTRID: Come on, be excited. - Oh, I’m very excited,

I’m also just, like, a little bit hungover.

- Yes, anytime Ennis DJ’s, you go too hard.

- I had to--sold! - Sold!

But, when this freeloader gets here, we’re probably gonna

have to be homebodies for a couple of months.

- Yeah, that’s true. - Mm.

- But we can still host dinner parties.

JAMES: Mm-hmm.

Shall I carry you over the threshold, my love?

ASTRID: No, I’ll just go in.

[gasps] Look at all the space. Like...

[chuckles]

We finally have a working oven.

- Mm. The question is

what do you want to do with the spare room, hmm?

JAMES: Before your first baby, you have a certain

naïve optimism about parenthood.

You think you can anticipate

what your new life will be like.

ASTRID: But, like the size of the universe,

or pushing a turkey through a lime-sized hole,

some things are hard to imagine.

JAMES: So you make plans, blissfully unaware

of how things are going to change.

- Well, the first thing is we need to prepare

- for the homebirth. - Mm-hmm.

- I don’t care if the rest of this place

looks like a stadium bathroom at intermission,

I need that room to feel just so peaceful

and serene and...

I just want him or her to come into this world

and feel... - [baby crying]

- Is that next door? - Yeah, I don’t know.

It feels too loud to be next door.

- I can’t remember what I was saying.

- Uh, um, uh, your, um, you giving birth.

- Thank you. Yes. - Mm-hmm.

- I just--I want this baby to feel welcome.

- Mm-hmm. - And--I’m sorry.

- Yes. - If there’s a window open,

we have to close it.

JAMES: I’m gonna check this side.

- [baby crying]

- Oh, oh, oh, hey, hey, uh, can I help you not

exert your body too much? - I’m not exerting myself.

I’m just making this room ready for a beautiful birth.

- I think--I think maybe that’s, enough of that.

Why don’t you just tell me what you need done around here?

- The sockets on this wall don’t work.

- Mm-hmm. - And we still don’t have

hot water.

- Mm-hmm. - You could help me

drag this box across the floor.

- Yes. I will drag a box to the ends of the earth

for you, my love. - Okay.

TAYLOR: Right on, holy crap.

JAMES: Oh, that’s Taylor. My brother will help us.

Taylor, up here! - Oh.

- He’s gonna fix everything. - Okay.

- There he is. Yup. - There he is.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, how was the drive?

- Oh, not too bad, until I got to the city,

where everyone drives like an idiot.

- Hi, Taylor. - Oh, take it easy

on the donuts there, officer.

- [chuckles]

- Uh... look it--I’m not gonna go buck wild with the, uh,

spray foam in the basement there.

- All right. Sounds like you could use

a little bit of supervision down there, eh?

- Well, you could supervise a six-pack from the beer store.

- Right on. - Right on.

I’m gonna go to Dawn’s and pick something up

and then I’m gonna meet the midwife, so I’ll see you later?

- Okay. That sounds good.

TAYLOR: Right on.

Midwife? Is that like another half wife?

How’d you manage that?

ASTRID: Dawn?

NISHA: Just a second.

- Mom? What are you doing here?

Baby shower. [gasps]

- That’s not for you.

- [Astrid screams] - [sighs]

- I was wondering when this was gonna happen.

- I’ve been waiting for you to tell me

if it’s a boy or a girl. - Mom, we don’t know.

It’s gonna be a baby. Isn’t that enough?

- I had to buy yellow baby clothes.

Yellow. I hope you’re happy.

- Yes, I’m very happy. I love free stuff.

Is Dawn here? - No, she had to take

Corey to a music lesson.

Imagine a baby singing?

- Um, she has that maroon blanket

that we had when we were kids

and I’d love to use it for the home birth.

- Home birth. You’re gonna have your baby

on an old blanket like a golden retriever?

They have clean sheets at the hospital, FYI.

- Mom, you know giving birth predates hospitals, right?

- Yeah, well, you know what else predates hospitals?

Dying from accidents.

All right. The shower’s at 2:00.

Get out of here before you spoil everything for Dawn.

You know how she loves surprises.

- Isn’t the surprise for me?

- It’s for your daughter.

- We don’t know.

So we actually--

we actually don’t know.

- Yellow.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Expert opinion, how awesome is my house?

- It’s a dump. - It’s a--it’s a...

- Yeah, the breaker box is a mess,

the roof’s derpy, and only one bathroom? Stupid.

- Yeah.

I guess I would love another bathroom down here

so I could, uh, you know, throw up right now.

- Whatever, Trevor, you got four walls and the big smoke.

Houses like this are just gonna increase in value.

- You’re fine. - It can’t happen forever.

I mean, then no one will be able to afford a house.

- Well, exactly. That’s why we should

put all our money into this.

- It’s an empty field.

- It can be our empty field.

- Remember the dream? - Oh, your subdivision thing?

- This is the perfect spot for it.

Look, look, look.

I’ll hire the crews. I’ll manage the sites.

You source materials,

do all that nerdy number stuff, together,

we’ll slap up as many house as we can

legally cram in there and,

bam, millionaires, bud.

- You still wanna do that, eh?

- Hell, yeah!

When Dad died,

I spent a long time fixing up the house,

getting it ready for sale.

I loved it, bud.

Loved it. I’m my own boss.

You got to give that a try.

Ooh, wait, saved you something here.

- Oh, my God.

Oh my, the secret socket.

Everything we plugged in turned to magic.

- Had razors put hair on your face...

- Yeah. - ...and the stereo made Mom

stop yelling.

- Mostly because we’re... - Because we’re...

- Metallica. - Metallica. Yeah.

- Well, I saved it from the house.

Thought you might wanna put it

in your kid’s room.

All right, look, do you wanna go see this field or what?

- Yeah. Let’s do it. All right. Let’s do it.

Let’s do it, bud. All right.

Uh, I got to pick up a check first.

- Right on. - All right. Right on.

- [both imitating electric guitars]

- All right.

[knocks on door]

- Hey, Mr. Jones?

MARLA: Can I help you? - Hey, hi. I’m just--sorry.

- I was looking for Mr. Jones? - I’m the new Mr. Jones.

The old one didn’t have a spine or allies in the company.

- Ah. Good riddance.

I’m just joking. I don’t give a care.

I was a temp here.

And I just came for my last check.

- Your last check

or your first of many to come?

- Hmm.

- Have a seat, James.

- You know my name.

- I’m helping the VP of distribution build an A-team

and I could use a hard worker like you

who has no existing loyalties.

- Uh, well, that sounds weird. But I, uh...

- I am starting my own business. - What business?

- Oh, my brother and I grew up in a small town--

- Skip that part. JAMES: Subdivision homes,

it’s something we’ve been dreaming about.

- That’s not you. You’re not a dreamer.

- I’m sorry?

- You’re more of a doer.

And a fledgling grocery chain

is a place of chaos and opportunity for doers

to get their hands dirty.

I smell dirty hands, James. - No, no, just used

the vanilla lotion in the staff bathroom.

These guys smell like soft serve.

So, if I could just get that last check?

- We offer stability and great benefits.

Something an expectant father might need.

- Wait. Okay, seriously,

how do you know that?

- Oh, we own any email or internet searches

you make on company computers.

You have 48 hours

to decide your fate.

- Thank you very much.

- Forty-eight hours. JAMES: Okay.

[upbeat music playing]

[laughter]

SINGER: ♪ Baby, baby baby, baby, baby... ♪

[laughter]

- So how excited were you?

- I’m still trying to catch my breath.

- Oh, I love a good surprise.

I was so worried I was gonna spoil it

and I have enough stress right now.

- Oh, is baby Corey a handful?

- Oh, no. He’s perfect.

Hundredth percentile for empathy.

It’s my work.

They want me to fire someone.

- Well, just tell Mom he’s fired and that it’s a secret.

She’ll do the rest.

DAWN: What?

- Who wants to guess

what kind of chocolate bar this is?

- Oh, I’m in.

- Hey, Mom. Are any of my friends coming?

- Not everything is about you, Beta.

- What is it? - Hey, congratulations.

ASTRID: Oh, thanks, Bo.

I mean, I haven’t had the baby yet, but...

- Yeah, I heard your finances came through,

you old piece of crap.

Who are your vendors?

No way. You bastard.

[laughing]

No. No way. - Tell us, Astrid.

At what hospital will you be delivering?

- I’m--I’m actually doing a homebirth.

- [Bo laughing]

- What if something goes wrong?

Or a burglar breaks in? - To my vagina?

- It’s not too late to have your baby at the hospital, Beta,

the smart, safe, clean way.

- I’m sorry. Is this an intervention?

- I see both sides.

The hospital is cleaner and safer.

But your home feels more worn in and comfortable,

like an old slipper.

- My home is totally safe

and beautiful and serene.

And, yes, we have wood rot in the back porch.

But we’re having our baby the way we wanna have our baby.

And if you don’t like it,

don’t be involved.

DAWN: Oh, do you need...

- Yes, I know. I’m just trying to storm out.

There. Goodbye.

- It’s even emptier than the photos.

- Right? We can put 40, 50 houses in here easy.

- Yeah. - Why is it for sale?

- Some idiot wanted to build

a Jason Bourne theme park.

- Where you and your family have to piece

together why you’re there?

- I didn’t see the movies. Too, uh, thinky.

Anyway, I guess it fell through

and we’re next in line but we got to move on it.

- What’s radon?

It says elevated levels of radon thing.

- What’s that? - It’s nothing.

I deal with it all the time.

- What is it though? - Just radioactive gas.

- It’s-it’s-it’s... - Don’t go getting James on me.

- ...radioactive gas?

- You know what else is radioactive?

Bananas, did you know that? No, you didn’t.

Lots of stuff is radioactive, James.

It’s not enough to make you sick,

but it’s enough to lower the price.

Look. I got my half of Dad’s house money

ready to put down.

- Well, my half is stuck in my derpy house.

- It’s a cash cow. I already told you.

You just got to borrow against it.

- I got to talk to Astrid.

- Why? It’s your money from Dad’s house.

Look, you and me...

we make a good team, bud.

You and me...

this is gonna set you up.

It’s gonna set your kid up.

We can make this happen.

You got to jump with me.

You ready to jump with me?

Uh-oh.

Come on.

Let’s do some jumping.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Heck yeah! Great, man.

- Did you say "right on" or "radon?"

- Ha!

- Hey. You need any help smashing stuff?

- It’s gonna be the most frickin’ beautiful birth ever.

- Yeah, I can feel the soothing energy right now.

- This baby is gonna swim out into this beautiful pool

and love us so freakin’ much

because we are never gonna judge his or her choices.

- I agree.

- [sighs]

Thanks for always having my back.

- Mm-hmm. - Smoothie tastes like chards.

- Yeah, that’s the Swiss chard.

It’s actually masking a bunch of worse tastes.

- I hope this baby inherits your kindness.

- Hmm.

I hope they inherit your parallel parking skills.

And also your heart.

Do you know what radon is?

- Oh, kicks.

ASTRID: When you’re pregnant, you don’t really know

who or what you’re in for.

JAMES: It’s like an app that you download for free

only to find that it has in-app purchases

and a lifetime subscription fee.

ASTRID: You skip over the terms and conditions

because you’re excited for the app

but later on, you’re shocked by what you’ve agreed to.

JAMES: And as the app ages, it just takes up more

and more space until it threatens

to destroy your whole operating system.

ASTRID: But somehow, it still won’t stop you

from downloading another one.

JAMES: Yup. What? Did you say, uh, another one?

How great are we? Hmm?

Can you believe there’s gonna be three of us soon?

I think it’s the perfect number.

- Hmm.

- [woman groans]

- Hello. - Oh, hi.

I didn’t realize you’re already moved in.

[grunts]

I’ve been using your bin for the last month

for my extra garbage. [glasses shatter]

- You just put that in recycling.

- Pretty sure the city sorts it out.

- Nope. [chuckles] - Don’t give birth about it.

- Oh, are you, uh,

delivering at St. Joe’s?

- Oh, no, homebirth.

- Oh.

- Yeah, I don’t trust doctors.

They’re all like, "Don’t drink coffee

and don’t go in a hot tub and don’t eat soft cheese."

Like get your hands off my body, the government.

- Wow. - Homebirth is fine.

- Yes, exactly. Thank you. WOMAN: Yeah,

unless you hemorrhage,

or your baby’s breech,

or you’re just--your midwife gets into a car accident

or you hit your head and then go unconscious, you know.

[siren wails]

I’ve already had two at home though,

so it was fine. - Right.

- Cooper! Wait for Mommy.

COOPER: Okay. - Yeah.

- James? - Hello.

- [laughs]

- I know. - This is cray-cray.

- Yeah. I-- - You got your own place.

- Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on.

Seriously. You know how often

I’m gonna come by here and just pass out?

- I got you a gift. - Oh. Oh, my God.

- A PS4, man? ENNIS: Uh, actually,

it’s, uh, my old PS3 in the box

for my new PS4 that I just got to go with my 3DTV.

- Quick question, how much does a DJ make?

- Ah, mostly we get paid in drink tickets

and life experience. - So your dad paid for all that?

- Yeah, my dad’s trying to bribe me to stop DJing.

He’s threatening to cut me off with just the condo

and the stock options if I don’t have a business plan.

- Hmm. Really cracking that whip.

- Yeah, but I have a business plan.

Five nights a week, bartending at Insomnia,

plus I teach a scratching class at the Learning Annex.

Business planned. - I gotta business plan too,

with my brother, though, it’s not gonna make any money

for the first few years and honestly,

I’m not sure it’s ever gonna make any money

and I have a baby coming.

- Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey,

you know what you just did? JAMES: Mm-hmm?

- You just described every great success story.

And failure, I guess.

You really covered a lot of ground there.

- [grunts] I don’t know what I’m doing.

Maybe we shouldn’t be making plans

where it’s 50% chance of it going well.

Maybe we should just start playing it safe, you know?

We should grow up.

SINGER: ♪ It’s not... ♪

♪ What you thought ♪

♪ When you first began it ♪

♪ You got... ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ Now you can hardly stand it ♪ - [laughing]

♪ Though by now you know ♪

♪ It’s not going to stop ♪

- ♪ It’s not going to stop ♪ - [woman groans]

SINGER: ♪ It’s not... ♪

- ♪ Going to stop ♪ SINGER: ♪ Going to stop ♪

SINGER: ♪ Till you wise up ♪ - ♪ Till you wise up ♪

♪ No, it’s not... ♪ SINGER: ♪ No, it’s not... ♪

- ♪ Going to stop... ♪ SINGER: ♪ Going to stop... ♪

- ♪ Till you wise up ♪ SINGER: ♪ Till you wise up ♪

- Mind if I slink in sheepishly?

- No need to slink, dear.

It’s your body, your baby.

I have opinions, you know that.

- We have your baby shower gifts.

- I have your air pump.

I’m not gonna need it because I’m not doing

the stupid homebirth.

- Well, if it makes you feel better,

things go wrong at the hospital too.

- Mom, pick a side.

- Okay. Open your gift now.

I can’t wait to see the look on your face.

- [groans]

- Astrid, did you pull your back?

My friend Bonnie had a Great Dane

who thought he was a lap dog

and now she has to use a scooter.

- Astrid, do you want me to open the gift?

- I think I’m having a contraction.

- Oh.

- Take me to the nearest hospital

or laboratory or birth factory, I guess.

- No, we are not going to the hospital, Astrid.

You had a plan. You researched it.

You set it up and now we are gonna go through

with it, right, Mom? - What?

No. [stammers]

Okay, fine, whatever.

But I am calling an ambulance

if that midwife shows up high on pot.

- What? Mom.

WOMAN: So I’m gonna quickly go through the property survey.

You’re gonna hear the word "radiation" a lot.

But as we discussed, it’s radon

and at perfectly normal levels.

- Yeah, the more I hear the word "normal,"

the more I feel like it isn’t. - Yeah. You know what else

is normal? You worrying about stuff, you just let me do

- the worrying. - Well, you’re not worried.

- Yeah, well, the previous owner was concerned

about a buildup of radon in his

"Bourne Ultimatum House of Mirrors."

That’s not how radon works.

- It’s totally safe. We got those radon detectors.

- Which your houses would be required to have.

- What? Okay, can we just--

Taylor, there’s got to be better options than this.

- You know who you sound like? - Don’t.

Dad never rushed into anything.

- Dad never did anything. Look where it got him.

You want your kids working nights in junior high?

[phone rings]

- No. - No. No, you don’t.

- Give me the--hey, give me the phone back, please.

- No. - That could be Astrid.

- Give me the phone back. - Oh, so she can tell you

how to spend your money? Who wears the pants, James?

- We share the pants. That’s how it works.

We each take a leg and then we discuss

where we wanna go together.

That’s what I love about it.

- Uh, you said you were in.

I’ve organized my whole life around this, buddy.

- I’m just saying this is a very big risk for me.

I’m having a baby, man.

- It’s the stupidest mistake you ever made knocking her up.

- Yeah, this kind of a disagreement

is totally normal in this situation.

- I’m taking the phone. - No.

No.

Frig-off, James.

- Frig right off. - Give me--give me...

[grunts]

- You mess this up and you and me are done.

- We were done the second you brought up Astrid.

You’re more toxic than this field, bud.

- Which, for the record, is not that toxic!

- [phone chimes] - All right.

Oh, my God.

[door clicks]

JAMES: Breathe. [blowing]

NISHA: Blow. Blow. - The music is connected

to my Bluetooth headset instead of my Bluetooth speaker,

it’s so annoying.

- Where are the receiving blankets?

- The, um, uh, the box marked "due date."

- The last one was six minutes ago.

- [blowing]

- We have music.

I’m just going to plug this in.

- [all groan] - Now you wanna do this

in darkness?

It’s starting to feel like a... occult ritual.

- Look at me. Look at me. DAWN: Okay. Really?

Okay. Will do.

The midwife said your contractions are too irregular.

So, it’s either Braxton Hicks or gas.

- Oh, okay. Well...

sorry to disappoint everyone.

I feel like I’m a vending machine

that failed to dispense your corn chips.

- Ooh, speaking of snacks.

Do you wanna get coffee at that,

uh, Roncy Croissoncy place? - Oh, yeah. Snacks.

- Mm-hmm. Okay. Bye. - Okay. You’re good.

- Yeah, there’s a lot to unpack here.

This isn’t what I signed up for.

- We got it, Bo.

- [clicks tongue]

[laughing]

- Okay.

How are you feeling?

- Pregnant. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- How are you?

What are you going to do about your brother?

- Uh, I think, uh... us and the field are done

and we might be done, too.

- Okay. - Mm-hmm.

- You wanna talk about it?

- Uh... [chuckles]

- Right. Well, um...

I have my maternity leave money.

But we may need to take out a second mortgage

to cover the first mortgage.

- I’ll figure something out.

- [knocks on door] - Your 48 hours are up.

- Well, if the offer still stands, I’d love the job.

- I have a plan, James,

and you are a very special part of it.

- Great, thank you.

- Is it now? Later? - Nope. That’s not--

When we said-- no, just remember--

Marla, I have a friend.

- Sure. He can be a part of my plan, too.

- Just sure--like that?

I mean, it kind of takes away the specialness

of what we just--

his only experience is a DJ.

- Are you sure you-- - Hey, what’s up?

Um, I have a resume.

I mean, not here obviously.

- Can you both start Monday?

- Try and stop us. - No doubt.

Oh, I do captain a dodge ball team.

We play Wednesdays. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?

ASTRID: You can’t possibly know what you’re getting into

when you have that first baby.

JAMES: You’re adding a person to your life

and people are pretty unpredictable.

ASTRID: And you can’t be ready for the emotions you’ll feel,

the love, the panic,

the fear, the frustrations, the laughter.

JAMES: Because kids are weirder,

funnier, grosser, more exhausting,

more beautiful than you can ever imagine.

ASTRID: But if you’ve got the right partner,

you’ll be ready for anything.

- [baby babbles] - [both gasp]

- [whispers] I think he’s asleep now.

- He’s all tuckered out. - Oh, he’s so peaceful.

- Mm-hmm. - Look at him.

- He’s breathing, right? - Yes.

He was just awake, right?

- I’m gonna wake him up. - There, there, right there,

right there. His little tummy moved.

Yes. We’re great parents.

- We’re crushing it. - Oh.

Should we unpack the last of the boxes?

- I’d actually like to see a breath myself

- just to verify. - Okay. Yeah, no, no.

- I’m gonna wake him up. - Wake him up. Wake him up.

SINGER: ♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything kids ruin everything... ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ That children ruin everything ♪

♪ Na, na, na na, na, na, na, thing ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this... ♪