Original subtitles

JAMES: Da-da-da-da! Huzzah! We have made it home!

Take off your shoes and get ye butts to bed.

ASTRID: If you’re not careful, you can drop

a lot of money on a night out with the kids.

Wish I could have got that mace.

It’s not Christmas, Lancelot.

JAMES: Kids are expensive and sometimes ungrateful.

It’s not fair, Daddy caught the rose.

- I told you you could have it. - I wanted to catch it.

Okay, let’s get back to the "butts in the bed" stuff.

- Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. - Come on, guys.

ASTRID: You’re already throwing money

all over the place just to meet everyone’s basic needs.

JAMES: Yeah, and then there are kids expensive needs

which are actually wants,

like sugar, entertainment, and, you know, fun times.

ASTRID: Are they worth it? Of course.

How about some "thank-yous?" - BOTH: Thank you.

- Anytime. Never again. JAMES: But can you afford it?

- It’s a school night. So go brush your teeth.

JAMES: Chances are no.

They really did have a great time.

I’m sorry you missed most of it.

Bringing Andrew was absurd.

I brought you a baby dragon to go.

- It’s chicken, FYI. - This is an expensive night.

Yeah, you gotta go all out sometimes.

We need to watch it, we’ve had takeout a few times this month

and then paying for the kid’s lessons and new summer clothes.

We have spoiled them rotten.

Stop being medieval. It’s gross.

I get paid on Monday.

Henceforth, we shall quit it with the spending.

[humming]

You’re just jealous.

Not everyone can be the fairest in the land.

ASTRID: Stop it!

ENNIS: I think you’ve done fantastic work,

and I’m gonna go get some lunch.

Hey, Soup-er fan! Come on, let’s get our

[elongating the "S"] slurp on.

I’m sorry?

Come on, it’s lunchtime. Let’s go to Soup-Gasm.

I can’t do Soup-Gasm today.

Me and Astrid took the kids out for a big night last night.

We spent a lot of money, and so therefore,

I can’t spend more money on stuff I don’t need.

- Like food. - I have food, you know. Tuna...

Oh, James. This is...

I know it’s-- Well, don’t do that.

James, you work hard to make a good living,

I mean, it’s not that good. I know your take home,

but that’s all the more reason to treat yourself.

- I do deserve a treat. - Yeah.

And Spicy Thai Tomato is the special today.

But, Astrid and I are really sticking to a budget,

because every month we go over a little bit.

- And even if it’s like $5-- - Stop. Stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop! It’s too depressing.

- Well, it’s just soup, man.

Look, This is not just about lunch, okay?

This is about the soup of life,

being ladled into the bowl of opportunity,

and--and poured into the mouth of you.

I mean, if you were to treat me...

- I will buy your drink.

- Yeah, that’s savings. All right, let’s go.

Let’s do it.

- Soup there it is!

JAMES: Soup!

JAMES: Strut. Strut. Get it, get it.

Look what Daddy got us at the gas station.

We’re cool.

Our eyes were hot.

You guys, we can’t buy you things

every time we go into a store.

That’s what stores are for, Mama.

- Uh, no, baby.

Stores are for buying things you actually need.

Daddy went into a gas station

because Daddy needed gas for the car.

He also bought a pepperoni stick.

- That’s gas for me. - Sure is.

Can we go? This is not cool.

Get out of here. You’re not cool.

Hit the road.

That was a fruitful conversation.

Our kids are going to be worse with money than we are.

Come on. We’re doing okay.

James, we are $100 away

from going over budget this month, again.

And we need groceries.

It’s actually more like $75. I got soup.

Also, I bought an app that monitors spending.

- How much was that? - I don’t know...

There is this thing called retirement.

I’ve seen it in commercials.

The concept is you get old

and then you actually stop working.

Because the robots took the jobs?

- No, because you saved enough money

so you get to spend the rest of your days

ziplining and sailing

and staring off into the horizon.

I want that for us.

- I just want to sit around

and grin at nothing with you, my love.

But what can we do?

- [cooing] - [giggling]

- All right, we get it, you’re cool backwards-heads guys.

VIV: No, we’re cool hairy-face guys.

FELIX: We’re in a band.

- This family meeting is about something a little important.

FELIX: The environment?

- Well... - Not that important.

VIV: How worms are little dirt snakes?

- Cash. Uh, we are running out of money for the month.

- Just use your card. - Well, cards are money.

There’s money in it, or on it.

You can’t see the money, but it’s there or isn’t.

- Yep, uh, money is real and finite.

Although it’s only real because we’ve all sort of agreed

to pretend that it’s real.

Sort of like laws and international borders.

- How do I get to be rich and powerful?

- That’ll never happen, so put that out of your mind.

This family

spends too much money on things that we do not need.

- We have a certain amount of money each month,

and that’s called a budget, and if we go over budget--

- We die. - JAMES: That--

- Nope, that’s--okay. - No, we don’t die.

- We go into debt. - Stop interrupting.

- Yeah. - Which means that

we can’t afford to save up for things that might be fun.

- Like maybe going on vacation. - Or a VR headset.

- A donkey with beautiful eyes. - JAMES: Mmm, yes.

So we can’t spend any money for three days.

- That’s it. - You said we needed groceries.

- You know what? We don’t need groceries because...

- Because...

- We have food in the freezer.

Old food.

JAMES: Okay, we got some egg rolls, a couple of mini quiches,

some hash browns, some lasagna here,

and some chili or spaghetti sauce, you decide.

- Those quiche things are from New Year’s.

- N-new...

- New Year’s. - Yeah. New Year’s.

- Yeah, New Year’s. - Sure.

- And those hash browns are from Mother’s Day breakfast.

- Yeah, it’s like an edible time capsule.

- I’m dipping my meat squares in my chili.

It’s fine.

- Everything tastes like nothing.

- Yeah. - Neat, right?

- It’s great because we’re saving money on groceries,

and we also cleaned out the fridge.

- Yeah, this whole weekend’s gonna be a piece of cake.

- Cake. Oh...

Viv has Cole’s birthday tomorrow.

- Oh, no, no, no.

I forget, does the invite say, "No presents allowed, please?"

- No. I feel like I remember seeing "presents optional,"

which means, uh...

Viv, does Cole like quiche?

- I can make him a present.

- Really, honey?

- I don’t like him that much anyways.

- Maybe don’t say that to him on his birthday.

- To Cole! - Yeah.

- VIV: To Cole... - Problem solved!

- Quick, I need my glue. - Glue.

- Colorful buttons? - Colorful buttons.

- And, pass me the colorful feathers.

- Mm, colorful--

Yeah, colorful feathers, okay.

Coming, stat.

ASTRID: As a parent, you’re kind of like

a patron of the arts.

You give your child the supplies they need

to explore and nurture their talent.

JAMES: You have to keep them busy and out of your hair.

ASTRID: Many googly eyes and little snips of paper

end up in your vacuum cleaner and heating vents.

But some of them will be glued together to make art

or something art adjacent.

- Ah!

These set those costs $14?

Whoa!

[giggling]

- JAMES: Most of this art eventually finds its way

to the trash.

ASTRID: But every once in a while...

- VIV: It’s finished.

ASTRID: ...you get a masterpiece.

VIV: Magic shoes. - Oh! [clapping]

- [Astrid trilling her lips] - [Andrew cooing]

- Hi! - ASTRID: Ooh! Hi.

- Cole bit his grandmother. - Yikes.

- How was the food? - I’m stuffed with new food.

I don’t have to eat old food for dinner.

- Splendid. - So I just heard some news.

[clears throat] Donut Head and Foul Mouth Chicken

are combining for one weekend only

to make a donut-chicken sandwich where the bread is donuts,

and it’s a onetime only thing happening this weekend.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- Yeah, the big kids were talking about it on the bus.

- They know everything. They have phones.

- I have phones [laughing].

Our two favorite local restaurants

are merging to create a thousand calorie

donut-chicken sandwich

that they’re calling "The Double Trouble."

Available only this weekend.

- We have to go right now.

- Okay, we only have $75 left in the budget.

- How much are the sandwiches? - Roughly $13 apiece.

- Thirteen times four, that’s... 52, subtract by seven...

So that’s $23 left for our retirement.

- Okay, guys, we really need to stick

to the not spending challenge.

- BOTH: Aww...

- But I think that if we don’t spend this weekend, we maybe,

maybe deserve a little treat.

If you clean your rooms.

- BOTH: Yes! - ASTRID: Yes, yes, yes.

- Okay, I am so confident we are going to get through this

that I’m pre-ordering these bad boys right now.

- But that puts us right on the edge.

And I really want to bank that $23 for our golden years.

- Totally. Totally. W--this says "payment method declined."

- What? Let me check the balance. Try again?

- The last time I used this card was at the medieval place.

- That wench! - You mean the server?

- They prefer wench. I bet she fleeced us.

She looked very... she was not trustworthy.

- You’re just saying that because she dropped character

when you asked her if the horses were strong.

- I mean...

- Oh, my God.

- This couch. - What?

- Remember how we bought the couch

at Don’t-Pay-a-Dime- for-24-Months-Time event?

- That was two years ago? - That was two years ago

- equals 24 months. - Oh...

- The first payment just came through,

it’s $129.

I don’t even like this couch anymore.

- We weren’t fleeced by a wench,

we were fleeced by our former selves.

And we’re 50 bucks over budget.

FELIX: I’m done cleaning my room!

- No. - [grumbling]

- VIV: Me too! - No...

- Corey’s just showing the kids his new recording studio.

- Care for a little snack? - Oh, ooh.

JAMES: It’s a whole thing. - Yes, please.

- So, what do you crazy kids want to talk about?

- Actually, James and I have some financial questions.

- How much do you need?

Keep it in your pants, Dawn.

- We just need some advice. - Legal?

Do you need to file for bankruptcy?

Have they threatened to repo your car?

- No, no. No. - What? Who--what are you--

- Who--no. We-- - No, no.

- We just need some help staying on budget.

- We’re trying to teach our kids healthy money habits,

and we realized that we...

- don’t have those. - Zero.

- You know, I left the world of high finance behind me

to embrace a simple, bohemian lifestyle.

Sweetheart, do we have any more of that truffle tapenade?

- Oh, no, no. You finished it

after Cirque du Soleil last week.

- Mm. Bummer.

Well, every good financial plan begins with a goal.

- Mm-hmm. - What’s your goal?

- Well... there are these chicken sandwiches...

- Mm. - Mm-hmm.

- That’s... - Well, they’re not just

- any sandwiches. - No. Sorry.

- Yes. No, no, no. - That’s--give credit

where credit is due. Uh...

- Yeah. - The bread is actually donuts.

- Hmm...

- Anyway, uh... - Yeah, just...

we told the kids that if we didn’t overspend this weekend,

we treat ourselves to a fancy meal.

- Yeah. - Well you need another source--

Oh, I’m sorry, go.

- You need another source of income.

- How do we do--there’s-- we already have two of those.

- Well, it’s a modest goal,

so you only need a modest increase in income.

- Oh.

Look at all our stuff.

We’re sitting on a goldmine of second hand goods.

- Yeah. Remember this waffle iron?

- Oh. - This was expensive.

- How many times we use that? - Like, three, tops.

- I had a little dream about being

a Saturday morning waffle dad.

- You’re a bimonthly pancake dad.

- Mm. - And what are waffles

- if not plaid pancakes. - I agree.

This waffle iron is getting sold.

- He gone. - Next!

- Next! - JAMES: Okay, okay.

- What’s it gonna be? - Here we go. Here we go.

- What’s it gonna be. Okay. - JAMES: Oh.

Um...

- Oh, what about the blender? - Oh?

- Mm... - Real space hog.

- Yeah. As you know, I’ve been having smoothies in the morning

instead of toast. What about the toaster?

- Because you’re not eating toast, James? Get over yourself.

- Okay, well, we need the stove. We need a dishwasher.

ASTRID: Okay. - That stays.

You got two hairdryers. Do you need those?

- You need your phone and clothes?

- Okay, well let’s just start with the waffle iron.

- All right, we list it for 50 bucks.

- Love your brain.

- Who’s the financial genius now, Dawn?

- Hey, can you believe that Corey, Dawn, and Bo

are coming with us to Double Trouble?

Like, I can’t imagine your sister having a single donut.

- Don’t let her prissy façade fool you.

You’ve never seen her gremlin her way

through a bucket of chicken.

- Do you think she’ll treat?

- [groaning } - Sometimes she offers to treat.

- Yeah. It’s so smug and so annoying.

- Yeah, we hate that. It’s so annoying.

- Now when they do that,

- Yes. - We pocket the money

from the waffle iron and we shush our lips.

- Oh. This is all getting shushed.

I don’t...

- How is this possible? - I don’t...

- We have no bids on our waffle iron.

Have we priced it too high? Are we scaring people off?

- I think $50 is pretty low, considering what people

are willing to spend on here. Look at this guy.

He’s offering $80 to be driven to the airport.

- What a ding-dong. - What a weirdo. Why?

- Get an Uber, you creep. - Who on Earth...

- Fifty dollars plus $80... - Is $120.

- It’s going to go ahead and be 130.

- One thirty. That’s $130.

ENNIS: [over phone] Hey, this is Ennis.

I’m screening my calls and you didn’t make the cuts.

- Leave a message, please, and - [cat yowling]

- see what happens. No promises. - [glass shattering]

- Ennis! If I wind up dead or on Dateline it’s your fault!

You probably like that, wouldn’t you?

Being interviewed by Keith Morrison

all being like, "I was his best friend,"

and using the publicity to meet girls.

H-hey! Sor--hey--uh, bye.

Hey, are you [clears throat] Jefferson?

- I’d prefer you didn’t use my name going forward, James.

- Okay, and I prefer you use the back seat.

- I’m a little big for a car seat, James.

- Yep. Fair enough.

So maybe, uh, I was thinking maybe we handle this upfront.

- I will give you $20 now,

and five dollars every five kilometers until we arrive.

Does that work for you, James?

- Sure. Why do you keep saying my name?

- Also, why can’t I say-- - What’s that, James?

- Nothing.

- Then let’s go, shall we?

James? No, we’re not going to do that. Okay.

Well, we’re $80 richer,

and I don’t want to ever hear my name again.

- How we doing here? - This guy’s driving me nuts.

He’s asking a million questions about the waffle iron.

- He wants to see the "papers." - It’s not a show dog.

- Yes, okay, whatever gets you off my back,

- "Bobsyouruncle69." - [message sending sound]

- Sold. - Wha--

We just--we’re up 50 bucks?

- Yeah, 43, give or take. Take, actually.

- Wait, you sold it for seven dollars?

- I haggled him up to seven. He offered one.

- Well, the couch, we’re down 54.

Then I drove Dracula to the airport,

and the waffle iron, that makes us...

- Well, we can’t do the sandwiches.

- We can’t? - [groaning]

- This is the saddest day in my life.

- I’m sorry, guys, we--we really tried.

- Don’t worry, there’s going to be more hybrid junk food

that comes around. Pizza taco...

the hot dog ice cream.

ASTRID: Wait...

- What’s going on? Bob69 back in?

- LolaP. I sold my hair dryers.

- Both of them? - Mm-hmm. Package deal.

Yeah, one’s a straightening iron,

one’s a curl diffuser...

- Twenty-three bucks. - We have the money!

- Let’s close our eyes and follow the smell there.

- You know, closing your eyes and following the smell

is a dangerous game in the city.

- Okay, remember, no extras or add-ons.

Right? They will ask if you want guac, and the answer is no,

because guac is always extra.

- Yes, and if Auntie Dawn says, "Of course we must have guac,

it’s my treat," then we will not argue.

ASTRID: Okay.

- Shall we? - Yes.

DAWN: Hi. - What’s--

I--I thought we were meeting there.

- Bo’s brother, Trevor, needs us, it’s an emergency.

- Did something happen to his Tesla? Did he go rogue...

- He was arrested in Indonesia trying to import a rare bird.

- He’s in prison? - He needs bail,

and they won’t take any of his crypto.

We need to go to the embassy right now and sort it out.

- I’m sorry you can’t make it.

- Oh, no one was more upset than Corey,

so we thought you could take him?

- Please?

- Of course. Yeah.

- Thank you. - Oh, wait.

You’re going to need this for him.

Uh... uh...

Ah, ah. Here it is.

Corey’s health card, just in case.

BO: God forbid we have another emergency.

It’s not our lucky day.

- Dang this stuff.

Well, listen, we’ve got to run.

Corey, sweetheart, have fun and listen to your body, okay?

- Okay. Love you, Momma.

- Love you, Baby Boy. - Love you. Okay.

- Okay, that’s great. - DAWN: Bye!

- Thank you, guys, thank you, don--don’t worry about this.

We’re totally great.

Did you know give you any money for the, you know, sandwich?

- Nope. We’re short some "you knows."

[cash register dinging]

- We only need eight bucks. Can we just put it on credit?

- Okay, listen, we’ve gone to insane lengths to prove

to ourselves and our kids that we can handle this budget.

- We can’t blow it now. - Okay, okay, you know what?

- I won’t have the sandwich. - Okay, good, deal.

- What? You’re going to let me not have the sandwich?

You’re not going to offer or split a sandwich with me?

- It’s a fake offer, all right? I won’t have a sandwich.

I’ll just eat the kids garbage like I always do.

- Oh, you say it, that’s a real offer, but when I do it--

- I don’t know how much is in here,

- Huh? - FELIX: but,

it’s probably enough for all the sandwiches.

I’ll pay.

- Felix, - Oh, my God...

you are such a sweetheart.

That’s--buddy, we’re not going to be taking your money.

- No, I think it’s such a beautiful offer, Felix.

We’ll take it and we’ll pay you back.

I’m so proud of you.

- I actually think we shouldn’t take it,

- because he saved that money. - Oh, let him pay, it’s such

a beautiful gesture.

- I just, I for real won’t have the sandwich.

- You have to have one. Let me pay.

ASTRID: Felix, thank you. - FELIX: I think

- we only have bills. - ASTRID: Wow, a special moment.

Wha-- "I owe you?"

- So, Felix, here’s what happened.

I borrowed that money because the pizza man,

his debit machine wasn’t working.

- Also, that happened twice. - You robbed your son, James.

- I’m so sorry, Felix, but we’re going to pay you back.

- Daddy will give you that money back.

- We all had that pizza, so I don’t know why I would...

- All right, there has to be eight dollars of change

somewhere in this house.

We just got to find it.

FELIX: "I owe you?"

- Nope.

- No.

- Ah! - Oh!

- COREY: Oh, my God!

- Hey, don’t destroy Viv’s artwork for this.

- Viv was in daycare when she made this.

- This is her teacher’s artwork. - Okay, destroy that.

- Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe.

God help me!

- Ah-ha!

- [grunting]

Yes!

- Oh...

FELIX: Yes!

- Yes!

Eight sixty-five, we have enough!

- We have enou-- I can get a sandwich too?

- We have enough!

- Yeah! - You can get a sandwich!

- Can I please have mine with a regular bun instead of donuts?

- BOTH: No!

ASTRID: Ugh. - Oof.

- I’m so full, and I only ate half.

- Hey, you didn’t eat your chicken.

- I just wanted the donut. - Okay, you know what?

Everybody eat what you want. Don’t eat what you want.

We earned this meal. - Yes.

- I actually like how disgusting it is.

- And you know what extra food means?

- Leftovers. - Mm, there it is.

All right, get ready to pack it up, guys.

ASTRID: In the world of finance,

kids are what are known as a wild variable.

JAMES: Okay, is that a technical term?

ASTRID: Probably. The point is it’s hard to budget with kids.

Their needs and their wants are constantly changing.

JAMES: Some people are great at having a financial plan

and sticking to it.

ASTRID: While the rest of us are just hoping

their kids become rich enough to put us

in a fancy retirement home.

JAMES: Ooh, that’s the dream.

- [belching]

Morris did it.

- Your hands have gotten so strong from the crocheting.

COREY: Water, please. - Thank you.

COREY: [panting] Water.

I’m so thirsty from that donut chicken place.

- Oh, how about some pressed celery juice?

- Oh, or some sparkling? - Oh, yeah.

- Wait. Is this the money I told you to give Astrid Aunty?

- They never asked me to pay.

- I’m going to invest it

into your high interest savings accounts.

- Yes! Thank you!

- We spoil you. - Mm.

- Love. - Give me that.

I’m so thirsty.

- ♪ I love my kids, but kids ruin everything ♪

- ♪ Everything ♪ - ♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

- ♪ I love my kids, but kids ruin everything ♪

- ♪ Everything ♪ - ♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

- ♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew, but now I see ♪

♪ That children ruin everything ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪ - ♪ Everything ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew, but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this shh... ♪