Original subtitles

- Maybe we finish that inside.

- No snacks in the dojo.

Sensei’s rules, not mine.

- Viv, I got stuff I got to do.

- You’re not gonna watch me?

Why? I’m excellent.

- I know you are and I’d love to watch you,

but I, I got to get food for dinner.

I, I have to get a new light bulb for the bathroom

so we can finally pee with the door closed.

I have to return those library books

because we’ve had them longer than we’ve had Andrew.

- And don’t forget my water bottle.

I left it at home.

ASTRID: I have a young family and I love them,

but sometimes I want 15 minutes that aren’t about them.

They’re about me slowly eating a muffin in a library.

I’ll get you a water bottle from the vending machine.

- Then there will be no more ocean.

JAMES: When you’re a parent, being alone with nothing to do

feels like a vacation, so a few moments of sweet,

blissful library eating is worth fighting for.

- Use the fountain.

- That water gets sucked from the toilets.

ASTRID: But with all the running around and cleaning up,

it’s very difficult to set aside some precious me time.

- I’m done.

Oh, and here’s the wrapper.

- Thank you.

JAMES: You got to steal your me time wherever you can,

recharge and get ready for the next challenge.

- Dance, dance. Do you wanna wear a hat?

- She doesn’t wear hats.

- Okay. Well, maybe Janice wears a hat.

- Neither does she. - Oh!

- Oh, come on. - Oh. Sorry.

ASTRID: But you can’t hide from parenting very long.

JAMES: It’s not hiding to do the dishes.

ASTRID: The dishes are like a day at the spa,

James, and you know it.

James-- - VIV: Right on my doll!

ASTRID: James. Okay. Okay. Guys.

FELIX: I was so far away from you.

VIV: Oh, you got it on me again!

ASTRID: Sorry. Sorry. Here.

Ooh.

- Feels like I’ve been saying this for weeks,

but today is finally, truly laundry day.

VIV: Mom.

Where’s Mom?

- I don’t know.

That’s why I’m eating this loaf of bread for a snack.

- Probably in the bathroom.

- You think I didn’t check there?

- Well, maybe she’s in a linen closet

trying to make a dress out of some sheets.

- Oh, yeah. Good idea.

- Hey. - What are you doing?

- I couldn’t sleep last night, and so I started reading.

At four chapters in,

it’s the most I’ve read since Viv was born.

- Nice. - I need to finish

The Bridgemaker’s Second Cousin.

[washer rumbling]

ASTRID: It’s so hard to sneak a moment for yourself

because kids have a weird kind of parent radar

that they use to track you and hunt you down

and they smoke you out with baffling but plausible lies.

- I spilled a bowl of orange juice.

- What? Where?

- Ha, found you.

Is it hot outside?

- You stalked me for a weather report?

- Yeah. Can I play with the hose?

- Yes, please. Take your sister.

- Don’t wear these clothes, okay?

Just wear a bathing suit, please.

- Sure. - [phone chiming]

Viv, they said yes.

- Ugh. I, I forgot I told Dawn I’d sign for a package

while she and Bo are away.

He’s waiting on some fancy crochet hooks.

- Today? - Yeah. I’ll be superfast.

I’ll bring Andrew, we’ll go in the car.

I’ll be back in time to help you with the laundry

and before the kids turn the yard into a bog.

- Okay. I’ll be here.

Indefinitely.

- God damn, if it isn’t sparkling.

[sighs]

[doorbell chimes]

- That’s about right.

- Package for Bo. It’s a bit heavy.

- It’s a lot of crochet hooks.

- It needs a signature.

- Okay.

[groaning]

- Nice house. - Thanks.

I did a lot of horrible things to get it.

So the delivery window was supposed to be

between 10:00 and 4:00 and it’s--it’s only just 11:00.

- Now you can get on with the rest of your day.

- Well, I was just hoping that the package

would come a bit later,

so could you come back in an hour or two?

- No.

- Fair.

- Rich people.

- I know, right?

[washer rumbling]

- Hey, hey, I hear you.

Okay. Okay.

Geez.

Oh.

Oh. Oh...

[washer creaking and groaning]

[grunting]

Oh, no, the A/C.

Not the A/C.

No, no, no. First was the washer,

then the A/C, then the lights went out.

I already flipped the breakers.

Why is that funny?

Oh, come...

Okay. Well, that’s why I’m calling you, mate.

You’re the contractor. Could you--

Okay. When do you think you can be able to come?

Sorry? Whose birthday is it?

Why wouldn’t you go to your son’s birthday?

Okay. Well, figure it out and give a call back, okay?

Thank you.

VIV: Act natural.

Maybe Daddy won’t notice.

JAMES: Hey, what’d I...?

- I said swimsuits. - Not to me.

- These were your last clean clothes.

- I forgot.

- Well, that’s just great.

- When’s Mom coming home?

- Good question.

- [Andrew cooing]

- [groaning]

Oh, my God.

How long was I out for?

Oh, my God.

[gasping] You let Mommy sleep?

Love you. - [phone chimes]

Oh, my God.

[doorbell chimes]

What happened?

- I took the street car, brought the laundry.

- Viv, come back.

Our socks don’t stick to the floor here.

VIV: I’m in Corey’s room. It’s so clean.

- Yes. And that’s how Dawn Auntie likes it,

so don’t make a mess.

- Woo, I was worried about you.

Hey, where’s the thermostat?

Let’s crank the A/C. - It’s a smart house,

so you just tell it to lower the temperature.

But let--let’s not mess with the settings, James.

- House...

- James-- - ...it’s me, James.

- I don’t think it needs the introduction, but--

- Lower the house-- yourself eight degrees.

Ple--please and thanks.

- Dumb Dad. You have to tap on this thing.

It controls the whole house.

Lower the A/C eight degrees.

DEVICE: Cooling to 15 degrees Celsius.

- Oh. How cool is that?

- It’s gonna be a fridge in here.

Felix, go put on some of your cousin’s clothes

so you don’t get the house all dirty, and tell your sister.

- Okay. - [phone buzzes and chimes]

- Ugh. It’s an oven out there. Our house is not much better.

Speaking of which, this is the contractor,

he can swing by, so I’m going to start the laundry

and then head back. - Okay.

Well, if he can fix it, then why don’t we just do it at home?

Everything here is so new and fancy.

- Exactly.

Maybe here I can finally get the ramen stains outta my pants.

What’s that?

- Oh, that I--I don’t know. I don’t know what that is.

- It says "Crocheter’s Edge" on it. Is that Bo’s package?

Because you said--you said you were waiting for it?

- No, that’s got to be--yes.

[sighs] All right. Andrew was asleep

and they say not to wake a sleeping baby

or their brains will shrink according to a podcast.

- Were you just chilling?

- No.

[dramatic music playing]

- Is that a brie and fancy jam situation?

- My blood sugar was dropping

and I needed something to nibble on.

- Well, nibble on this.

You are gonna go back to our horrible broken down hothouse

and wait for Mr. Contractor Man, while me and the kids luxuriate

in your sister’s fancy A.I. palace, baby.

- Okay, fine. That’s fair.

Take this baby.

- Mm-hmm. Oh.

- Okay.

- Oh, no, no, no. What do you--

Kids are here. The car’s got to--

got to stay here in case they need to go to the hospital

or, you know, wanna get some ice cream.

You know what’s good for you? A street car.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, and you can take your little book.

Also maybe a glass of cold water

because it’s a scorcher out there.

- Yeah, I will take my book.

I love my book. - Hey, house.

Play "Bye, Bye, Bye" by NSYNC.

DEVICE: Searching the web for sync stores in Dubai.

- No, that’s not--no.

- Nailed it.

- [grunting]

- Okay, guys.

- Dad, look, I’m getting swole.

- That’s so cool. Also, maybe let’s put this down

because it looks very old and expensive.

Okay guys, I need your help.

I need you to watch Andrew for me while I’m doing laundry.

- Okay. - Will you put that out

for me please? - Yeah.

- Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Felix.

- I found a cupboard full of all the presents

we ever gave to Corey.

- You what?

- Woah, yeah, there’s toys

and craft things that he never opened.

- Okay. - Can we play with them?

- Yes, you can, ’cause Auntie Dawn

is just sitting on those things

ready to re-gift them back to us anyway

just like she re-gifted back our bacon maker

we gave her for her wedding.

- I love the bacon maker.

- Baby, we all love the bacon maker.

Sometimes cool fun things that everyone loves

stress certain other people out.

Your auntie’s one of those people.

ASTRID: The downside of being in a beautiful home

is how when you see your own home afterward.

It sucks.

[sighs]

[doorbell dings]

Ugh!

Why is everyone so timely all of a sudden?

- Hi, is your husband here?

- Pardon me?

- Is your husband James?

- Yes, that’s my husband.

But no, he’s not home. I’m home. Is that a problem?

Do you only do business with husbands?

- Uh, I’m not trying to be sexist.

I just--I talked to James on the phone,

so that’s who I assumed would be here.

- Well, I’m actually more handy than James.

I’ve assembled most of the furniture in this house.

You see that kitchen faucet over there?

Yeah, I did that.

Nobody helped me.

Well, YouTube helped me and the video was of a man,

but I did it. I did the work.

Me.

- Can you show me to the breaker box?

- I don’t know.

Let’s find out.. if I can show you to the breaker box.

- Should I take off my-- - No.

- Lights on.

Lights on.

[exclaiming]

Play music and give me a weather report for the next 14 days.

DEVICE: Here’s the weather for the next 14 days.

Tomorrow, sunny skies

and a high of 34 degrees. - Yes.

Now we’re understanding each other, house.

DEVICE: The day after, sunny skies.

- [exhaling]

So what do you think?

- It’s an old house. - Yeah.

- Century home. - Right.

Well, and the wiring is a century old.

You don’t have enough amperage for modern energy consumption.

- So, consume less? Yeah, that’s--I have three kids.

- Well, I can temporarily fix that for you,

but you can’t run the A/C

and washer and dryer at the same time.

The house does need to be rewired.

- Like take out all the walls?

- Yeah, unfortunately.

But it’s necessary, because old wiring,

it’s like a fire hazard.

- Okay. It’s a bit much. - Sorry?

- Yeah, fire hazard. "Fire hazard."

You’re just saying that to scare me.

Nice sales tactic. [laughs]

Frighten the little lady by, by suggesting that her family

is gonna go up in flames. Ooh.

- I will tell your husband the same thing, ma’am,

- Oh, will you? No, thanks. Me thinks we can do.

- Well, me thinks I should’ve gone to my son’s birthday party.

- Our house is a death trap. - What?

- He said our wires were old.

We need new wires, which cost a fortune.

- Maybe this is the push we finally need to move.

I don’t know why we put more money into that place.

- I never thought there was anything wrong with our place

until I spent time here alone.

- I know. It’s so modern, and efficient,

and musical. Watch this.

Make the appliances sing.

[chiming throughout the house]

-[chuckles]

Ooh! [chuckles]

- Mm-hmm.

Everything here sings and interacts with you.

I feel like Belle in the Beast’s castle.

- All right. I mean, maybe we should talk

to a real estate agent.

I mean, it would be really nice to have more space

without feeling that the kids

are so on top of us all the time.

- Mm-hmm.

- Where are the kids?

- Well, they’re upstairs playing in Corey’s room.

- It’s so quiet.

- I know. It’s great.

- It’s too quiet.

- I know it’s bad.

What happened? - Oh.

- We did a slime kit, but it kind of got out of hand.

- Where’s Andrew and Viv? - Oh, don’t worry.

She’s just cleaning him up.

- [inhaling sharply]

- Felix, we need to get this room

exactly how it was when we got in here.

Grab the goo, follow me.

Oh, okay.

ASTRID: Oh, my God.

- Ugh. It feels cool between your toes.

- [gagging]

- Felix, we do not go into other people’s houses

and treat it like it’s our own.

You have to respect other people’s property,

especially when it’s

much, much, much more expensive than your own.

What?

- It’s okay.

- What--what’s okay? - Nothing.

I think I just remembered something.

- What?

- I think maybe you’re not supposed

to put that down the sink.

- Felix. Why didn’t you tell me that before?

- I didn’t wanna interrupt.

- Oh.

Okay. Maybe it’s okay.

[bubbling sounds]

[sink groaning]

- [yelping]

JAMES: Astrid?

There’s blue stuff coming up from the bathtub drain.

That’s our fault, right?

- Oh, my God!

- Hey. So I’m gonna remove the u-pipe in the kitchen,

clear the blockage, replace the pipe,

then flush the drains,

and then I can get to work on the toilet upstairs.

- The toilet? - It’s clogged.

- Yeah, actually, Viv flushed goo down the toilet.

Kids. - Tell me about it.

My son, suddenly he wants me to go to the party now.

It’s like... - I’m sorry.

- How much and how long? - I can do $1,200

in two hours, give or take.

- $1,200?

$1,200?

- You’re free to get another quote.

- Okay. Sorry. - I can’t. I, I don’t...

- I got it, honey. Excuse me now, sir.

Why are you talking to me and not my wife?

- She was mean to me earlier.

- What? - Uh-huh.

- I was more terse than mean.

- You have a funny definition of the word terse,

but I would accept an apology.

- I’m on your side.

You just wait for your sister to come home.

If that’s what you wanna do.

I’m fine with doing that.

- I’m so sorry.

- Maybe more-- - I’m so sorry.

- There it is. - Thank you.

I appreciate it.

I can do all this for, like, $600.

- Okay.

- Well.

A piping we will go. [chuckles]

- We did it, Mom.

- Corey’s room was back to being boring.

- We did a very good job.

Andrew might be pooping a little bit of glitter.

He also helped.

- Good, good. Okay. Plumbing’s fixed.

- Okay. - Hey, thank you so much.

And again, I hope you can forget my terseness from today.

- No problem.

I guess I should use some of this money

to get a birthday present for my son.

I don’t know what to get him, though.

He’s just-- he’s just my half son.

- Aren’t all sons half sons?

- Well, he didn’t come from my sperm.

- Right. So he’s an adopted son or a stepson?

- No.

- Okay.

Thanks. Bye-bye now.

- Do you have--okay.

JAMES: No. Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, great job, everyone. Really good job.

Good work here.

DAWN: Yes, great work, everyone.

- Dawn, where are you?

DAWN: I’m in Buenos Aires, silly.

I can access our smart house through my phone.

- You can see us?

DAWN: We’ve been watching all day.

Grab the iPad, you’ll see us too.

- Okay. Oh.

DAWN: Hola mia familia!

Bo and Corey send their love.

- Greetings, earthlings.

- [laughs] Corey, you’re wild.

Greetings, earthlings.

- Dawn, I’m, I’m so sorry we messed your house up today.

DAWN: Oh, well, I’ll admit.

I was calling the police until the promethazine

for my altitude sickness kicked in and I hung up.

But for the past half hour,

I feel like I’ve been watching a funny TV show.

- Yeah, it’s much more amusing than Buenos Aires the 7th time.

Yawn.

Hi. - Yup. Okay.

We’re gonna go now,

but thank you for your amazing house.

- Kiss. Kiss.

Bye.

- Bye, Dawn.

ASTRID: Having kids means you don’t get

as much time for yourself.

It’s a demanding job with unreasonable clients.

Here we go.

JAMES: Oh, my God.

This laundry room is filled with glitter.

DAWN: We’re still watching.

- Hey! Nice one, kiddo. - Thanks.

ASTRID: But you don’t wanna be away from your kids that much.

They’re fun to hang out with

and you don’t wanna miss any big moments.

FELIX: Butthead.

- Excellent compound word, honey.

FELIX: Thank you.

- Way to think outside the box, buddy.

- Really good job. Really good job.

JAMES: If you don’t take breaks, you’re gonna burn out.

- Let’s play hide and seek. - You’re it, Daddy.

ASTRID: So when playing hide and seek,

maybe it takes you a little longer to find the kids.

JAMES: Yeah, ooh, or when you go to get groceries,

go alone and enjoy a leisurely stroll.

ASTRID: Yes. Or listen to an audio book

while you do the dishes.

Finding moments for yourself is worth it, usually.

What? She just dies?

What a dumb book.

- Is that the guy with the bomb?

- No. That was a different show, I think.

I actually forget what we’re watching.

- Let’s just put on Cake Idiots.

We’ll watch plot and character when Andrew’s in kindergarten

or college, or when our brains brain again.

- Unfortunately, I think I left the remote in the kitchen

when I got that beer.

- Mm...

- Hey TV, turn on Cake Idiots.

No. - Nope. Nope.

- Because of our dumb house, I got to use my stupid legs.

- Oh, lucky for me, I have a smart husband.

Husband, get the remote.

- Don’t care for this bit.

- Husband, get me a beer. - Okay.

- Husband, activate foot massage mode.

Husband, started enjoying this bit.

- It’s working.

SINGER: ♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything kids ruin everything... ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ That children ruin everything ♪

♪ Na, na, na na, na, na, na, thing ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this... ♪