Original subtitles

How do you wanna tackle bedtime?

I'll take the new guy, you get the lifers.

The lifers are exhausting.

All they do is complain about how much they hate working here.

[James] When you're raising kids with someone,

you attack life's problems together as a team.

[Astrid] But if you have more than one kid,

there's a lot of divide-and-conquering.

[James] Yeah, you're still a team,

but you're playing at different times

and in different venues and different sports.

Come on, James. Please.

You're so much better at putting Felix and Viv to bed than I am.

That's pandering. What am I, four?

-How much better? -So much better.

Mmm...Not enough.

Um, excuse me? Do you remember what tonight is?

Ohh...

Isn't it our hookup-aversary?

First time we...

I know. I was there.

Mmm. Did we do anything last year?

No, we've missed a few.

But the sooner we get the kids down...

The sooner we can watch Speed 2 Cruise Control.

-Do you remember? -Mmm.

I picked a movie that wouldn't distract us by being good.

I thought you didn't have any moves.

-Who said that? -Nobody.

Okay. Okay.

You--would you like to see a move?

I'm gonna show a move. Ready? Ready?

How's that for a move?

He needs a diaper change.

Yeah. Okay.

Yup.

Put Felix and Viv right to bed.

No funny bedtime stories.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Do you really think I'm better with Felix and Viv

or just that I'm worse with Andrew?

I think that if we do it this way,

our night will start faster.

Well, if you want it to be fast, then I should put down the baby.

When it comes to putting down babies,

I think the universal preference is for the mother.

[Viv] Ow, Felix, that's too hard!

It wasn't too hard. It's a pillow.

You broke my neck, you murder head!

Don't call me that!

Oh, hey. Okay. Okay.

Why is everybody yelling? Why is no one in bed?

Because Felix broke my spine in half with a pillow.

-Did not. -Did too.

Okay. Guys. Wait, wait.

Let's just-- yelling never solved anything,

I doubt that your spine is broken,

but let's just check it out and we'll make sure.

How about we skip the investigation

and go brush our teeth, okay?

I was handling that.

How? By having fun?

James, fun is counterproductive to our hookup-aversary.

You know what, you're right. You are better that this.

I should probably just be taking Baby Andrew,

and then, we'll all be playing to our strengths. Hello...

James, the way you put him down,

you might as well give him a shot of espresso.

You know, it doesn't always have to be your way.

I'm his parent, too.

Now, can you please show me the difference

between his sleeping socks and regular socks?

[Astrid] The more kids you have, the more sleep methods you learn.

[James] Some kids sleep in the car, others need a pink elephant

and to hear Brandy and Monica's "The Boy is Mine".

-[Astrid] I like how you sing both parts. -[James] Me, too.

[Astrid] But sometimes, those sleep methods

work on the wrong person.

Hey, hey. Oh, God.

Hi. Hello.

Let me just--yeah.

That is the face of a boy

who doesn't trust his father anymore.

What are you doing up?

I thought you're supposed to be in bed.

Are you and dad watching a movie tonight?

Yes. A dumb, dumb, dumb movie.

But we love it, because we watched it

on the first night that we had a sleepover.

-It's tradition. -Can I watch?

No, it's just for Mommy and Daddy.

But if--if you go to bed,

you can listen to your zombie podcast.

It's boring now.

The zombies agreed to a peace accord.

Are you going to make another baby?

No, no.

Daddy had that operation and it took, so that's done.

Um... but, you know, Felix,

adults don't just have sex to have babies,

they also do it because it's fun and it feels nice.

-Okay. -No, no, no. Not just okay.

It's--it's positive and it's healthy,

and--and--and if someone decides that they wanna have a baby

or not, then-- then that is their decision.

And people need to back off, you know,

women aren't just baby factories.

-Am I in trouble? -No. No, no, no, no.

Mommy's just sensitive.

Okay, uh,

grab a cookie and we'll find you a new podcast.

Yes!

I'm glad you answered. It's Dawn.

Nice try. You're Bo.

Dawn and I are having a disagreement.

-Champagne? -Oh, Prosecco,

champagne's cheaper, funner cousin.

Oh, of course. Happy hookup-aversary.

Thank you for somehow knowing that.

How--how can I help you?

I didn't know who else to turn to,

Dawn is being unreasonable.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

That's my sister, so it's a conflict of interests.

Why don't I get James? I'll get James.

Oh, Felix. Why don't you show Uncle Bo

how long you can stand on one leg?

Okay.

We rocked, we hummed,

we checked out WebMD for no particular reason,

but then, somebody wanted say hello to their favourite uncle. Hello.

Isn't it past Andrew's bedtime? He looks awake.

Oh, my God, he looks awake, James.

Thanks, Bo.

Is that the one where the eyes are open?

It's gonna be fine.

We're just gonna-- we're gonna play

and then, I'm gonna, you know,

check his motor functions a little bit,

and then, he's gonna be all tuckered out.

James, this is what I'm talking about.

If you let me put him down to sleep, he would be asleep.

Just 'cause I don't do things your way,

doesn't mean I don't get things done.

I mean, we--we may work differently, but we're still a team.

Well, we're a team in a wheelbarrow-race

where I'm working very hard and you're holding my shoes.

So you're the wheelbarrow and I'm just some guy?

That's how you're describing this?

Um, let me take Andrew. You talk to Bo.

He's having some kind of argument with Dawn.

Well, what am I supposed to do with that?

-I don't win arguments. -He doesn't know that.

Everybody knows that.

Hey, Bo!

[Andrew crying]

♪ Wookie yookie yookie Went the cookie ukulele ♪

♪ As the stars came out in the sky ♪

Why does Morris like Scooby-Dooby songs?

Why aren't you in bed?

Because my ears are going to explode off of my head.

You should try the thing that Dad does.

What does Dad do, Felix?

Gets him to sleep.

You're gonna be a fun teenager.

Maybe he's yelling because he wants his name to be Morris.

Guys, I appreciate the concern, I really do.

But Andrew just needs some time and you two need to go to sleep.

Keep your voices down once he's in bed.

Sure. Good luck with that.

[Viv] This is gonna be a long night.

As you know, James, I'm a very passionate man.

Oh, you don't got to tell me twice.

Sometimes that passion gets the better of me.

Although in the bedroom, it gets the best of me.

Okay. Is that what this is about?

-No. -Good.

It's about Go Bo, my Etsy for Men business.

Dawn thinks I'm wasting my time and called it at a dead end.

Oh, ouch.

Suffice it to say, Dawn wishes that I was more like you.

If I--wait. No. No suffice. What?

That's-- what are we talking about?

It's not like she has a crush. Believe me, I asked.

I wish that you hadn't.

Me, too. That's what made her kick me out of the house.

I mean, none of the spare bedrooms are far enough.

Is that a big problem at your place,

that the spare bedrooms are too close together?

I feel so adrift without her.

I'm sorry, can we just-- is this a bindle?

Have you--have you run away from home?

No, James.

Dawn booked me a room at the hotel

where she sends her newly fired executives.

And this is my crochet cloak bag.

-It's a new product. -It's handy.

I mean, I've been tying my cloaks

around my waist like a real idiot.

Hi, Uncle Bo.

Look at this. All three children wide awake.

Who's the wheelbarrow now?

We can't both be wheelbarrows, James.

You can't have two wheelbarrows lying around with no guys.

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't I babysit these bundles of joy

and you two take my room at the hotel?

What hotel?

Wait. I don't care. Yes. Yes. We'll take it.

-Yes, that's amazing. -Don't worry about a thing.

I'm great at getting babies to sleep.

Hey.

And in the morning,

we'll have crab cake bennies and blintzes.

-Do I like those foods, Mommy? -Mm-hmm.

-Bo, thank you so much. -No. Thank you.

You've provided me a comforting space

for me to lick my wounds.

-Let's do this? -Mm-hmm.

-Okay. -Okay.

Wow.

Oh!

This is the kind of room

a billionaire gets for their driver.

Oh, my God.

It's gonna be so sad to leave tomorrow,

but that's tomorrow us's problem.

Mm-hmm.

Get a room us. Oh, wait.

Wait a minute. We are already did.

It's our hookup-aversary miracle.

Mmm.

[Astrid's cell phone ringing]

I'm just gonna ignore that.

Ignore what?

-My phone was ringing. -No, I know.

I'm doing the thing where--

it's like I already ignored it so I...

[James' cell phone ringing]

I'm also gonna ignore that.

Wait, is it weird that we both got calls?

No, I'm sure-it's fine. I'm sure. I'm sure.

[room phone ringing]

No. Okay. That's--we should get that.

Well, three phones is an emergency.

Hello?

It's been a long time since I put a baby down.

I guess it's true what they say, everything old is new

and even more alienating than before.

It's okay.

Just take your time, breathe, and...

And while I sat in the dark with Andrew and my thoughts,

I wondered...

[Andrew wailing in other room]

do people see me as a fool?

Excuse me?

I only ask because...

no one wants a fool for a husband, right, James?

What is going on?

Andrew's still awake,

Bo is having an existential meltdown.

Where do you keep the whiskey?

Hey, take a video of me and send it to Bo.

All he needs to do is mimic this

and Andrew will be down in no time.

Let's just go home.

Look, how many hookup-aversaries have we had

that were disastrous that we salvaged?

Remember when I had hiccups for five hours?

-Well, hiccup-aversary. -Mmm.

I scared them out of you

by pretending to fall out a window.

See? We can do anything.

We just go home and put Andrew down,

come back here, easy.

-Easy-- -All right.

In the interest of time and efficiency--

Mm-hmm, look at you talking dirty.

-I'll go home. -Mm-hmm.

I'll put Andrew down.

You stay here, you order room service,

you fill the tub, you chill the Prosecco,

and no having fun.

Okay.

Can I watch part of a Marvel movie?

Fine. But it has to be "The Eternals."

Damn it.

[Andrew crying]

Soon, you, too, will understand

the painful peaks and miserable valleys of marriage.

Hi, Bo.

Astrid, I'm sorry.

I did everything I could.

I even read "All the Places You'll Go"

but there's a section about the waiting place

that made me lose my marbles and I just--

Bo, why don't you take five, Bo, while I put Andrew down?

-You left James at the hotel? -Yes.

But I'm going back as soon as Andrew goes to sleep.

What a relief. I thought that perhaps

he told you about Dawn, and that made you upset.

What about Dawn?

She's obsessed with James, Astrid.

-Huh? -She thinks he's a perfect husband.

-Can you believe it? -Nope. Not even a little bit.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

Bo, everybody has strengths and weaknesses.

James couldn't crochet his way out of a paper bag.

I don't think I could either if I'm being honest.

Perhaps if I fashioned a rope of some kind that--

Bo, I'm just gonna sing him his favourite video jingle.

♪ Buy the severance package you know you deserve ♪

♪ From the number one wrongful termination firm ♪

♪ De Angeles Employment Law ♪

♪ Show them who's boss ♪

Knocked out the wrong baby.

What? Does Corey have a nosebleed?

Andrew's not in his crib. Where is he?

I don't know. Where's your mother?

-At the hotel. -No, she was at the hotel

and then she came back to help Andrew fall asleep.

What is going on?

Dawn Auntie and I are going through a rough patch

and we need a night apart, and that's all I'm gonna say.

It's private.

"Took Andrew for drive." Oh, my God.

Your--your mother's penmanship is horrid.

"Back soon." See? Everything's fine.

That could've been written by anybody.

Felix, I know what it's like to spiral into paranoia.

Just between us, I'm on that journey now.

Because of you and Dawn Auntie?

Yeah, she doesn't respect me.

Please stop prying.

Let's have some calming tea.

Do you have any dried lavender or monk fruits?

Well, those don't sound like things we have.

Oh. Then why don't you stay up with me

until your mother arrives.

I think we could both use the company.

[phone ringing]

[Andrew fussing]

Shh, please go to sleep for Mommy.

Please go to sleep for Mommy, sweetie.

-Hey. -Oh! Hey.

Listen, the hot tub is ready, food is ordered.

-Are you close? -Nope.

-Isn't that the car? -Yes.

I was just driving your son around the block

trying to get him to go to sleep.

He dropped his teddy bear

and now, he seems to be just staring off into space.

Okay. Well, don't worry about the food.

Can keep it warm in the hot tub until you arrive.

Oh, wait. What did you order?

A braided steak, bunch of other stuff.

Room's covered, so I got dinner and groceries.

We're gonna be having honeydew for weeks.

Are you sure you're not having fun

because it sounds like you're having fun?

Zero fun. Eternals is so boring.

Beautifully shot, though.

[knocking on door]

Oh, okay. Food's here. I got to go.

I am hungry.

-Ah! -Ah!

Hey, I thought you were food.

All right. Let's try this again.

Your teddy.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[police siren]

Shh!

-Yes? -Are you okay, ma'am?

Yes.

Have you been drinking tonight?

No. Not yet.

-I'm sorry? -No. I'm--I'm sorry.

What--what-- what is the meaning of this?

Well, when we find a person passed out in their car

with the lights on and a kid in the back,

-we call that a red flag. -Well, yeah.

I was just driving my kid around,

trying to get him to go to sleep.

My husband was supposed to do it, but...

-Out of town? -No. He's here.

He's, he's at a hotel, probably having fun,

even though he's not supposed to.

Sorry to hear about your marital problems.

Huh?

Look, if you're gonna stay here, ma'am,

maybe just turn the car off, okay?

-[noisy radio chatter] -Shh!

-Don't shush me. -Good chat.

Shauna, I can't tell you what it is

but you are doing something that is going to cost you.

So, I guess it's more of a situation

where we've switched roles

and she's the major breadwinner now,

which is totally great,

but I have insecurities about it.

Anyway, that's all you're getting out of me, Felix.

I've seen this one. She's a cake idiot.

-Felix. -Where is Morris?

The better question is, who is Morris?

She calls Andrew, Morris.

Ooh, that's a way better name.

So is it normal for you two to not sleep for the night?

-Totally normal. -I woke up and Felix was gone.

-Hi, Felix. -Hi.

So, I went to Morris' room, and he was gone.

-Where did you put him? -He's with your Mommy, Vivi.

Go back to bed.

Hey, do you want me to sing you to sleep?

♪ Ba-ba-di, zu-bu-de ♪

♪ Bu-du-te-ba-tu-te-te-tu-bu ♪

♪ Bu-bu-be-be ♪

Thank you. But I don't like that.

Uncle Bo, I think you might need to call Mom again.

She said "be back soon." It's not soon anymore.

I texted. Morris is fine.

Prove it.

Whoever left that note

could have her phone and be spamming you.

The bad guys have Morris.

Morris is gonna grow up to be a bad guy.

Okay. Listen to me.

Your parents are celebrating the anniversary

of the first time they hooked up.

Thanks to my own marital issues

involving my wife's obsession with your father,

which I will not get into--

Okay.

They have a hotel room where they can have a rare

and much deserved night together,

and we will not spoil that just to check in on Morris.

-Andrew. -What's "hooking up?"

Which one of us is gonna tell her?

So thoughtful of Bo to give you this expensive room

while he looks after your kids.

He's having a rough night.

His stomach is in more knots than a cloak bag.

He thinks that you don't support Go Bo.

I do support him.

But...

I could probably do a better job of letting him know that.

Next thing is gonna be--

it's a bit--a bit awkward, but we're gonna push through...

I don't think the comparisons to me are helping him.

To be very clear, I love Astrid and I respect you intensely

as a sister-in-law and a friend, but also that's it.

What in the sweet hell are you talking about?

It happens.

Viv's teacher has a crush on me, too.

Crush?

Oh, my gosh. How embarrassing.

I simply said that you seemed perfectly happy

doing something meaningless for a living

and that Bo could stand to care a little less about succeeding,

like you.

Oh, that's...

I'm glad this was just a harmless misunderstanding,

and no one got hurt.

Astrid, this--it's-- this is not what it looks like.

Looks like Dawn thought Bo was here,

came to surprise him, and found you instead.

Andrew's sleeping here tonight.

That is probably the food.

I am hungry.

Hey.

The kids were worried about Andrew.

-Yeah! -How's the hooking up going?

Not great.

Are we ever gonna hook up again?

Dawn?

[kids giggling]

Wow. Is it comfy in there?

-Uh-huh. -Let's make a castle.

I never meant to hurt you, Bo.

-You don't respect Go Bo. -No...

Well, Andrew's not asleep.

This is who he is now, he's the awake baby.

I'm just worried that you're pushing yourself

too hard with Go Bo.

You have been crocheting 60 hours a week.

I can't toil purposelessly like James,

-I have vision. -Woooo...

This place is haunted.

-We're gonna do this. -I have an idea.

So Mommy likes to sing Andrew to sleep,

and Daddy likes to rock him and rub his tummy,

so why don't you guys figure out which one of us is wrong.

-Yes! -Nice.

-Bo, my friend. -Thank you.

I think you need to channel your inner James

and not care about work so much.

That's all I want.

And it's not that I don't admire your work.

I do.

I am also wearing a crocheted piece.

[sensuous moaning]

What?

My company did pay for the room, Astrid.

we just saved your marriage, dork face.

Can we just get another room?

[gasps] We sure can. And it's a business expense.

Oh, yeah.

Can you not get the one next door

because I don't need that soundscape?

Have a good night.

We will.

Come here.

[gasping] Oh! Oh!

♪ Bum-chica-dum-dum ♪

Good night.

-They're asleep. -They're gone.

Let the hooking up commence.

[Wilhelm scream on TV]

Do you remember the tagline for this movie?

Oh yeah. "When Rush Hour hits the water".

So insane.

Rush Hour's when things slow down.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Don't tell that to Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.

[Astrid] When your partnership runs like a well-oiled machine,

you can accomplish pretty much anything.

[James] Putting away groceries,

coordinating kids' dentist appointments, anything.

[Astrid] And though we have to split up to get everything done...

[James] We're always better together.

I mean, now might be our chance, we have to be really quiet.

In a big tub with sloshy water?

If we're too loud, we'll wake up the kids.

Is this the plot for Speed 3?

You know, I felt just terrible, but I did my best.

Oh, I'm sure you did, dear.

Yeah, I tried all the techniques that worked with Corey.

Well, you can't be expected to fix their child in one night.

Well, I have been thinking about it all week

and I do feel like I made an impact.

I have no doubt. Every little bit helps.

But ultimately, the damage is done.

That's true.

It's a bit bitter, isn't it?

It's not Corey's best work.

Is this the taste of pre-teen angst?

Oh, no. That won't happen to us. We did everything right.

Right.

Corey!