Original subtitles

-[Nisha] They're all available? -[Graham] Beauty.

Available for what?

You guys all know I'm a shutterbug right?

Have you seen my website, Instagraham?

Yeah. No, we tried to look you up on Instagram.

-[Graham] No, no. -No, no. "Instagraham"

like his name. There's an H.

H. I used to only wanna photograph birds of prey.

And then I met your mom

and she got me turned on to humans.

-Well. -[imitates shutter clicking]

We have a surprise.

-Please don't get married. -Dawn.

Oh, no, no. Don't worry. Don't worry, kids.

I'm not trying to hitch my cart to the family mule.

Oh, you.

Oh, my God. Actually, gave me some goose bumps.

He's starting a portrait business

and he wants to shoot us first.

Shoot me now.

I just need some beautiful photos

of a beautiful family for my ads.

[flute playing]

Mommy, Daddy, look what Corey gave me to keep forever.

Wow, Corey.

That's gonna be in our house now.

-Yeah. -[flute playing]

[Astrid] During the first years of your child's life,

you are their everything.

[James] Yes. But at a certain point, your kids get inspired

by classmates, friends, TV, video games,

bleh, cousins.

[Astrid] And that's it. They are no longer yours.

But, hey, at least it's a two-way street.

Corey said that Viv advised him to hold his breath

until I let him try cotton candy.

-Yeah. -That is Viv. Yeah.

She got a coloring book out of Mom using that one.

You weren't there. It was scary.

[flute continues playing]

[James] Hey, Viv, I bet Corey will get a big kick

out of borrowing your tambourine.

[gasps] Wonderful.

[theme music playing]

Corey thinks Felix seems withdrawn.

I asked him if he wanted to fly my drone and he was...

-Unresponsive. -Oh, yeah.

He's been a little sad since his friend, Ab, moved away.

I fell in my face while putting on pants this morning.

He barely cracked a smile.

Really?

It's so funny when you hurt yourself,

Felix is a quiet, sensitive child.

[deep voice] Uh-doy. Thanks, Dawn,

for explaining my firstborn to me.

What should I feed him? Dirt and feathers?

Okay. You know, I'm actually gonna check on him right now.

Maybe also take a peek at that drone, Corey.

[Nisha] Terrible news. My friend, Brenda,

with the varicose veins is in crisis.

-Who? -Brenda. Skinny head,

bushy eyebrows. She needs my emotional support.

Did she overhear you describing her?

She is being sued by her condo board.

But I have so many things to pick up for this photo shoot.

Can I count on you girls to take over?

Well, sadly, I have work and kids.

And tomorrow I'm taking Corey

to the botanical garden after school.

But then, yes, after, I can get the stuff.

Oh, I can always count on you, darling.

It's mostly just a tripod, some lenses,

-and a few taxidermy animals. -What?

And, oh, yeah, the theme is maroon.

And make sure you cover the upholstery

in your car with something.

They may be dead but those talons still have some fight.

Thank you. Thank you.

[playful music playing]

Felix, why don't you eat those uh, those happy pancakes?

We gotta go.

The face reminds me of Ab.

He smiled like this all the time.

Yeah. I know you miss Ab, honey.

Do your--do your other friends miss him, too?

Ab was my only friend.

-Ha... -[Viv] Felix,

how do you like my warts?

That's funny.

Viv, eat your warts. We gotta go.

-Mom? -Yeah?

Can I bring Metal Man to school?

Uh, yeah. Sure. Of course you can, bud.

[Felix] Thank you.

Hey, Felix, what do you say we skip the bus today

and you ride with me to school?

-Sure. -Yeah?

You, me, and Ennis, three cool guys.

If he starts telling dating stories,

we'll just remind him that you're nine.

[playful music playing]

[Ennis] Oh, the sounds of children playing.

It's making my eyes water.

The frequency's too high or something.

Let's get out of here. Hey, have a good day, Felix.

Just give me one second.

Hey, listen to me. I wanna tell you something.

I know you're sad about Ab.

You're a great kid.

I know you're gonna make new friends.

But I don't know how.

Just say hi. Just start a conversation.

This Metal Man is an icebreaker.

Guys love talking about action men.

Including girls. Girls are also guys.

Everybody's guys.

Okay. Come here. You got this. Love you.

[Felix] I love you, too.

You got this, kiddo.

Bye, Dad.

[Ennis] Oh.

Is it like that every day? It's like he's going off to war.

He's fighting the battle of loneliness.

A war that'll last your whole life.

[sighs] After I give you a lift, I got a front row ticket

to a Pixar movie.

What are you guys talking?

[James] They look a little old, buddy.

How can you tell? They all look seven to me.

Hey, why are we still here?

I just wanna see how he interacts with other kids.

How much of raising your kid is just spying on them?

Ten percent.

-[Ennis] What? -Hey. Hey. Check that kid out.

Be better. Not cool, bro.

You know, I kind of feel like this is what you'll be doing

if you were a ghost.

[James] I'll not be haunting my son.

I'd travel. I'd see the world.

[scoffs] You don't think that's worse?

Lonely ghost dad backpacking through Europe.

[James] Oh, not The Buddy-Bench.

-Come on. -What is The Buddy-Bench?

It's a bench. They put kids on the bench

and it means you're supposed to play with the kids

but it's actually the kiss of death.

Oh, yeah. The Buddy Bench.

[James] Oh, now, they got this momo with him.

Do you believe they put this kid with my kid?

Oh, here we go. This looks promising.

[Ennis] Yeah.

[James gasps]

What?

Are you serious?

[Ennis] Hey. Hey, kid. Come here. Come here.

-See that boy? -Okay.

-You see that boy right there? -Maybe don't do this.

-It's not the best look. -Huh?

Hey. Back away from the fence.

-Just include him. -All right. Okay.

Hey, you know, not everybody's good at ball hockey!

-Sir! -Some lunches just smell different.

-[woman] Sir. -You're projecting, buddy.

-Okay. [James] Bye, bye, bye.

-There's the whistle. Come on. -We're going.

Now, are you sure you have maroon?

I don't know. Is this maroon?

-That's more of an oxblood. -What is with the maroon?

Why are we doing this? Are we having a photo shoot

-or are we in a cult? -It's part of the vision,

which means I have to make it happen.

By the way, you were right about Felix not making friends.

Oh, I recognize the signs.

Because of Corey?

[Dawn] What? No.

Corey is the Zack Morris of his Montessori.

He's a great conversationalist

and I'm actively working on a sense of humor.

Oh, you are?

You are.

How?

By making flashcards of New Yorker cartoons.

He has five seconds to capture each one.

Oh, yeah. That's how Kevin Hart did it.

Who?

I just wish I could help Felix.

I don't really know how

'cause I felt like I had loads of friends growing up.

[Dawn] You did.

And I had the pleasure of living in your shadow.

Come on. You had friends-ish.

Well, Mom was my friend.

And I was very well liked at...

the orthodontist.

Well, you give a dentist eight grand,

they're not not gonna like you.

[Astrid] Oh.

Field hockey jersey. Number three.

Number three! Number three!

Remember?

I remember trying to wash that thing. Oh.

Making sure your shin pads were in your bag.

Holding you back when you screamed at the ref.

There's no maroon here.

I'll just go shopping for everyone.

Okay. Oh, God.

Those refs were so scared of me.

It was wonderful.

[upbeat music playing]

Felix, did you remember

to bring Metal Man back from school?

Oh, my new friend, Gus, borrowed him.

-Gus. -You have a friend.

-A friend. A new friend. -What is he like?

Well, he's a guy. He's funny and cool.

-Good. -Love him.

-Good. -Sounds--he's both of them.

He sounds really good.

Why don't you--why don't you maybe invite him

over this weekend for a play date?

-Okay. I'll ask him. -[James] Yeah.

Okay. And, and, and if he says that he can't,

it's 'cause he's got other plans.

It's not 'cause of you because you're fantastic.

Be cool. Be cool.

[playful music playing]

Come on. I'll show you my room.

Oh, James, Gus is here.

-Hey. Hi. -I didn't hear you come in.

How are you?

Your parents still here? We'd love to meet them.

They had to jet.

They're presidents of companies.

Are you guys presidents of anything?

We're presidents of this house. [chuckles]

My dad is the president of Adidas.

-Yeah. -The sports brand.

-Okay. -His mom is the president

of the ice cream that is three ice creams.

His mom is the president of Neapolitan ice cream.

His family is very big into stripes.

-Apparently. -Anyhoo, welcome to our home.

How much is it worth?

[James] The home?

Yeah, I'm not sure how much the home is worth.

But you know what is worth noting?

Spaghetti for dinner.

-Spaghetti's puke. -[laughs]

He always says puke.

It's his word for stuff that's dumb and bad.

I can see how that's a good joke.

[flute playing]

Recorders are for babies.

Yeah. They're for babies.

Spaghetti is not puke.

[upbeat music playing]

Okay. So, you have your maroon shirt.

Now, I have to go see a man named Chet

about more dramatic taxidermy,

unless you can swing by en route to the park.

Our car is kind of full without a fox corpse.

Can you do it?

-No problem. -[James] Heads up.

Gus has asked if we have

parental controls on our internet.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, how's Felix's new friend?

He told me I was cute and then asked how big

the diamond was on my ring.

He's precocious.

He told me that Felix gave him Metal Man,

which, uh, is impossible,

but he's got Felix wrapped around his little puke finger.

Oh.

Could I cut my shirt like Felix's?

What do you mean like Felix's? Felix, get down here.

[kids laughing]

-[James] Hey. -Felix, what did you do

-to your shirt? -Oh, me and Gus

made it a tank top. I wear tank tops now.

That was for the photo shoot.

Oh, I didn't know.

No, no. It's fine sweetie.

Just another stop along the way.

I'll go do that now.

Dawn.

Felix wants me to sleep over.

Ooh.

James.

He looked so sad yesterday. Now, look at him.

-You have to ask your parents. -I already did.

-Puke-arama. -Puke-arama.

-[groans] Pounding. -Oh, I hate it.

So, Gus' dad seemed pretty enthusiastic

when I called to confirm the sleepover.

Apparently, Gus already had his PJs packed in his backpack.

Convenient, no?

What are you suggesting that Gus' family

is running some sort of sleepover grift?

Oh, I think they made dinner reservations

before they even dropped him off.

He's mean and he taught me how to do this.

Stop. No, don't do that.

[James] Listen, honey, just don't hang out

with Felix's friend anymore and work on your recorder case,

okay? Okay.

Ab was so sweet with his "pweese" and his "thank you."

Boys are just jerks when they're together sometimes.

Um, do you think that I saddled Dawn

with too much work for this photo shoot?

I feel like she's done like everything.

What do you mean? Didn't she offer?

As much as I'd love to stay and help you

with that absolute troll,

I really feel like I should go give her a hand.

-[Gus] Oh, yeah. -[kids laughing]

Go.

Remember the sacrifice I made for you here today.

Don't tell me what to do.

[upbeat music playing]

I love you.

Thank you!

Okay. I get it. You're mad at me

because I left you to do all the shopping.

I'm not mad.

Well, you're making me carry these.

Well, Chet said to keep them out of the sun.

We couldn't just leave them in the car.

Look, Felix didn't have a friend

and then he had too much friend,

and Viv had a school assignment, and Andrew was...

Yeah. Of course. You're busy.

You do what you gotta do and I do the rest.

That's always been our deal.

Always is a little much, no?

I mean, it's just one dumb to-do list for Mom.

After her divorce, who helped Mom with the cleaning,

the laundry, the house repairs?

Oh, my God, Dawn.

I fixed the bathroom door that one time.

It's fine. You were younger.

Mom needed help, so that was my job.

It wasn't your job, all right?

You just held us together like an awkward

teen butler because you're amazing.

And I, I don't think I appreciated it then

but I see it now.

Look, the color scheme is stupid and you've done enough.

So, I'm gonna call Mom and I'll just tell her to forget it.

Good luck.

[line ringing]

Hello? Nisha here.

[Astrid] Cute.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It's Graham. Here you go.

-[Nisha] Hello? -Should I call back later?

[Nisha] Oh, no, Beta.

He's gonna be here all night.

[growls, barks]

-Oh, my God. -[Nisha] Oh, stop.

We're having a wonderful time together.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna go check that wasp nest.

You can talk. I think it's getting bigger

and I don't want my cinnamon bun getting stung.

No. I don't want my little cream puff getting stung.

-[Graham] Nasty. -I think Graham's finding it

awkward to get in with the family.

-Yeah. We're all feeling that way.

[Nisha] I know he seems like a big, tough, muscular guy

and he is, but he's also a very muscular artist

that I picked up.

Well, that's great.

He's a lucky guy. Okay.

So, why maroon?

Oh, you remember that maroon quilt

that I used to wrap you girls up in?

Well, I think of that blanket

whenever I think of my love for my family.

I'm grateful my girls are helping me with this.

Yeah. Of course, Mom. Yes.

-We'll see you tomorrow. -[Nisha] Okay. Bye.

[Dawn] Ah! What do you think?

Does it come in maroon?

I'm still buying it.

[James] Felix!

[kids laughing]

Can I help you?

May I speak with Felix, please?

I'll see if he's in.

Gus says you wanted to see me.

-Yeah. -Is there a problem, gentlemen?

Did you put Viv's recorder in the toilet?

Just for a second.

It doesn't matter how many seconds.

We're starting a prank show.

Viv will get paid when it blows up.

Okay. Be honest with me.

Is Gus pressuring you to act like him?

Just wink or nod

or do nothing and I will find a reason to send him home.

No. He's staying.

He's gonna show me how to make fireworks.

-[Gus] Okay. Let's do this. -[Felix] Let's do this.

[kids laughing]

Tomorrow's gonna be a nightmare.

-I'm already grumpy. -It's already tomorrow.

[door opens]

-What's the Wi-Fi password? -[all] Go to bed!

Go to bed!

[door closes]

[playful music playing]

[James] I think I got maybe an hour of sleep last night.

[Astrid] We can do this.

-I believe in us. -Uh-huh.

Yup, yup, yup. All we have to do is let light reflect

off our bodies into a camera and we'll be good.

Are you awake enough to drive?

I'll be fine once we get there.

Okay. I'll see you out there. Hey, Felix, let's go.

Time to get ready. Get some clothes on, buddy.

What?

What'd you do?

It wasn't us.

Felix, go wash that off. We don't have time for this.

We tried already.

What, what do you-- this is permanent marker?

Gus thinks a ghost did it.

I felt an energy last night.

Do you feel an energy right now, my dude?

He's not lying.

-Yes. He's lying. -He's lying.

-He's a liar, man. -This guy's a liar.

He's been lying ever since he stepped foot in this house.

His parents are not presidents of multinationals.

-No. -Nor does his aunt

own the fastest bridge in the world.

-Think, Felix, think-- -That's not--how is--

That's not even a thing.

Does that make--just break that down for one second.

You--put it in the works, man.

He can't harness the wind.

-He's never been shot. -Yet.

You did not give him your Metal Man,

even though he said that you did.

Felix, he did it.

-He did it. -He did it.

You're wrong.

I did give it to him.

Felix is my only friend. [sobs]

Why are you doing this?

Why are you making him cry?

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I know. I know. I feel awful.

-I know. -[Astrid] But he's a monster.

He did do that to the face.

[whistles]

Whoa, whoa. What was that?

Show us your hands.

[gasps]

We got the wrong monster.

[playful music playing]

What?

-Everybody makes mistakes. -Mm.

Today, Daddy and I were wrong to accuse Gus,

even if all the signs in the world

pointed to him being the culprit.

We owe Gus a big apology.

Viv, what were you trying to write on Gus' face?

A hex.

Where did you learn about hexes?

The radio.

What station?

-I'm still sad, you know? -[James] Yes.

-Right. -Gus, we are very,

very, very sorry.

Apology accepted... not!

I can't believe you guys wrecked my only friend.

Okay. Gus. Gus, look at me.

We are so sorry,

and as a token of our regret, what can we offer you?

What can we do to make this better?

[upbeat music playing]

Well...

-Blech. -Oh, no.

Perfect.

There they are.

What have they done to themselves?

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, my God.

-You've been graffitied. -Oh, relax, Mom.

We're simply paying the price

for misjudging Felix's friend, Gus,

who is excellent.

[James] His parents are letting him stay

for a double sleepover this weekend.

The dublé. The Michael dublé.

Yup, yup, yup, yup.

First, Corey shows up in a costume and now this?

He's marooned, Mom.

Can we applaud his humor and wit, please?

You're a riot, my love.

You know, I was hoping you would make an effort

from my sake to make Graham feel welcome,

but I guess that was too much to ask.

Mom, while you were traipsing with the varicose veins

or bushy brows or shaggy shoulders...

Her name is Brenda and she's weird.

Dawn was the only one making an effort for our family,

like she always does.

-Oh, hey, guys. -[Kids] Hi.

Hi. Oh, yeah.

Hey. Oh, hey, the beginning stages of being a juggalo.

-Very nice. -They're a mess. Let's cancel.

No, no. Why? Why?

I'm all about the freedom of expression, darling.

No one gets cancelled on my watch.

The things, the faces tell us when the mouths won't. Deep.

Ready to dig? I am. Digging. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing?

-What are you doing? -Dig, dig--

[Nisha] Oh, my God.

Oh, look at-- oh, no, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Graham] You're my little warrior princess.

-Oh, you're my Bunny Wunny. -My little warrior princess.

You're my wild bunny.

-Yeah, no, I'm not doing that. -Okay.

-It'd be great. -Okay.

[Astrid] Oh, yeah.

[playful music playing]

-[kids laughing] -I drew a head.

[Astrid] We're constantly trying to

see ourselves in our kids.

We're always saying, "He's just like me,"

or, "She's her father's daughter."

It's a little pathetic.

[James] Yeah. It's like we need to see our legacy live on,

even if our legacy is flat feet and thinking olives are gross.

[Astrid] But children are shaped by all kinds

of outside of people and experiences

and crap. It's--it's terrifying.

But whether we like to admit it or not,

children are their own people.

[James] Not just our cute, funny, high maintenance pets.

Except when they're babies. Babies are pets.

Everybody, thank you so much.

Got some incredible snaps.

Why don't we do one more?

Yeah? Come on.

Three, two, one.

[All] Yeah!

Okay, sweetie, you got this.

Um, but doctor, I didn't study for this.

Brilliant.

Um, cheer up, buddy.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

That's very funny, my little heartbreaker.

This TV sucks.

It's stuck on the same frame.

I mean, it's like watching a live Netflix Special.

-It really is. It really is. -Yeah.

♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I almost sleep in their head ♪

♪ I got kids in my head ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see children ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see, I really hate this... ♪