Original subtitles

[Felix] Mom, you promised chocolate milk with lunch.

-What? No, I didn't. -[Viv] That's a chocolate lie.

[Astrid] Uh, okay, easy with the accusations.

It wasn't a lie.

I might have mentioned it in passing.

[Felix] Ooh, I pick the cup.

No fair. You always do.

They're exactly the same. Just pick one.

But I always choose wrong.

[Astrid] Well then pick the one you don't want.

It honestly doesn't matter.

Kids have very strong opinions about fairness.

[James] " They have more." "I didn't get a turn."

"Somebody keeps eating my Halloween candy." It's a constant.

[Astrid] We should really stop eating their Halloween candy.

[James] Never. They obsess over who gets what.

Counting and measuring and calculating.

[Astrid] It's like living with a tiny emotional scientist.

Hey, Viv's is browner than mine.

[James] Okay, let me use my secret magic skills

to create the perfect chocolate squirt.

Not an appetizing offer.

-You don't like when I say chocolate squirt? -No.

Here's a chocolate squirt for you,

and a chocolate squirt for you.

-Voila! -[Both] Yes!

Squirt master out.

[Astrid] You got to keep things balanced.

I mean, if one kid gets too much or too little...

[James] It could have massive consequences later in life.

[Astrid] It's true. My sister got to go to camp,

which is why I became someone who hides her car keys.

Those look pretty good.

I might do my own little chocolate squirt.

-Chocolate squirt! -Chocolate squirt!

-Chocolate squirt! -Chocolate squirt!

-Chocolate squirt! -Chocolate squirt!

I now hate chocolate.

[theme music playing]

Hey, can you grab another one of these duck cracker things?

I only have one.

Oh, that was the last one.

Uh, maybe open it and split the contents?

There's like eight duck crackers in here.

One kid can do without.

Yeah. Okay, James, you chose which one.

[Viv] Why does Felix get to play?

Because Felix didn't spend 10 minutes telling me

how his friend's mother buys better cereal than I do.

Come on, finish up.

No, no, no. Back on your chair, please.

My chair is too loud.

Can it, Goldilocks. We're late.

I want a different breakfast.

Viv, every day is a battle with you.

Honestly, just be more like your brother.

Uh, can I just tag in real quick?

-Be my guest. -[James] Mm-hmm.

Hey, Wonder Girl.

So, you and your brother are both the same.

Of course, you know, obviously unique and individual,

but the same in terms of value.

-But-- -I'm full.

Well, full of love that we have for you

and also for Felix.

-Strong save by me. -Yeah. You crushed it.

Good morning.

I just saw a dead bird.

-How are you? -Uh, good.

Uh, Mom, can you help Viv get dressed?

She's not in a very proactive mood this morning.

Okay. Uh, yeah. Just let me get my jacket off.

-Ooh. Let me help you there. -Thank you.

Are you still gonna watch the kids after school today?

Uh, yes. I have to watch Corey, too, but...

what the hell, right? Throw them on the pile.

Andrew on the top of the pile, please.

Oh, also, Mom, uh,

Felix needs help with his math homework again,

and Andrew's cutting a tooth, so, he might be a little cranky.

-Thank you. -Okay.

Nice to see you.

Okay.

You're right, I'm gonna split up these duck crackers.

Yeah. This way they both get not enough.

Hey. I just want you to know that I'm gonna start trying harder at work.

You didn't know about this meeting until I told you

-about it one second ago in the lunchroom. -Starting now.

I did a little research last night and I got a little inspired.

Hmm. Did you research how to stop parking in my parking spot?

No. I was rewatching Mad Men.

I wanna start being more like those guys.

Oh, no, please don't. When you watched Deadwood,

you started swearing all the time

and lost a lot of money gambling.

Reckon I broke even.

Packaging for Baggies Buys.

Will it seize people by the eyeballs

or push their faces away?

Which is the one we want?

Oh, no. Please don't.

Ennis, if you've left your car running again,

just go now.

People don't eat with their mouths.

They eat with their hearts.

Not true.

Just picture it.

[swallowing noise]

See? It doesn't make any sense.

Even if that did make sense,

your heart would have a mouth, so it still would be

-eating with your mouth. -Go on, Ennis.

[marker squeaks]

Real. Food. Real. Families.

Clean the splatter off the walls

because Ennis just blew our minds.

[James] Oh, dear God.

[Marla] I see an ad campaign,

not with models, but with real kids.

You know, plain, unimpressive, blah, flawed children.

James has two kids just like that.

I have three kids

who are not like-- they're very impressive.

So, not right for this.

Disagree. James, I'd like to hire your children.

Oh, I don't think Astrid's gonna go for that.

Well, if she won't go for it,

make it go for her.

I could tell you're pretending to hold a cigarette.

-I wasn't. -Huh?

I wasn't.

[children grunting]

[Nisha] Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa, who, whoa.

Kids, kids, kids,

Nanima needs to recharge a moment

so I can attack the monster.

Mommy's here.

Dawn's not back yet?

She's in her room recentering before,

you know, reengaging.

Hey, kids. Kids.

I hid five huge chocolates in the basement.

Go, go, go, go, go.

[Viv] Whoever gets it last loses.

[groaning]

My little secret?

I only hid three chocolates.

It's a fool's errand.

You are so good at wasting their time.

Thank you so much.

You only have so much bandwidth,

and raising kids takes up a lot.

Single parents are literally heroes.

[James] If you're lucky, there is a partner sharing a load

and there's some bandwidth for hanging out

and, you know, watching The Bachelor.

[Astrid] And if there's a grandparent

or a cool auntie helping, wow, you might even have time

to read a book or stare at your phone for an hour.

Dawn is unbelievable.

She knew that you were helping us

and she swoops in and has you come to her place?

Actually, that was my idea.

They have more food and space and every streaming channel.

So the kids were just watching TV?

Well, would it be healthier if I let them

beat me over the head for an hour and a half?

An hour and a half of TV?

[Astrid] Oh, look who's emerged from her Zen Palace.

Hardly. Mom, I asked you to take the kids outside.

I could barely hear my own mantra.

You know what? It sounds like I'm not quite working out

as a full-time free nanny.

So here's a solution.

I quit.

Oh, God. Don't be so dramatic, Mom.

-You'd miss Corey so much. -[Nisha] I mean it.

I am tired and retired.

I can't be an on-call nanny anymore.

I want to explore the city and...

explore Graham, and brunch with my red hats.

So, your kids are your kids now.

[Felix] We can only find three chocolates.

What do you think, James?

Yeah. No, I like it. It's like a zoo for plants.

So, you admit this is as much fun for kids as go-karting?

No. There's batting cages and hot dogs there.

This is like a indoor hike.

They have quail here.

Real quail.

So just a question. Have you ever had a hot dog?

-They're great. -You burned her out

by pumping out so many kids,

and now I'm stuck splitting the bill with you.

You have one child. You'll survive.

Please. Everyone knows the more you have,

the easier it gets.

Really?

Break that down for me.

They raise themselves.

The education and manners dilute as you trickle down.

But by the third one, does it even matter?

Oh, okay. You should have dozen kids then.

Things would be so simple for you.

Anyway, we are not losing Mom.

Employment retention is my specialty.

Don't you travel the world firing people?

These are koi fish,

but they're also being coy.

It's a pun.

I don't understand what you're saying.

That's okay. You're just a kid.

No, I'm not. I'm famous.

My face is gonna be on ketchup bottles

-and yours is not. -Hey, hey, hey.

Viv, that's not nice.

I mean, you might hurt Corey's feelings.

He could feel left out.

No, it's okay. I was on Soft Ones.

Oh, it's a commercial for boxed croissants.

Soft Ones?

Do you know Soft Ones?

No.

I assume you wanted him,

but you knew he was too recognizable,

you know, because of Soft Ones.

-Right. Overexposure... -Mm-hmm.

...from... Soft Ones.

Come on.

Okay.

[Photographer] That's great. That's great.

You're buying groceries for mom and papa, so good.

Good kids. Now we're gonna do sad faces.

Yeah, that's it.

Now, sniff the bag.

So fresh. That's it. That's it.

Yay. Happy.

Now sad.

What a pro.

It seems like a lot of direction.

You love that gourd, right?

We're selling peace of mind here, James.

We're not selling food.

And these kids just aren't giving it to us.

I can tell that's iced tea.

No, it isn't. Shut up.

Ennis is right. I'm not feeling it.

It's too...

juvenile.

Well, maybe that's because they're, you know, kids.

Hey, right now, they're not kids. They are employees.

[Photographer] And cookie break.

Yes!

[Photographer] We're getting a lot of great stuff

-from the older boy. -Agreed.

Cut the little girl and dump the baby.

What? No, no, no. They're all great.

They're all great. You can't fire

-a five-year-old girl. -Why?

Just tell her it's nothing personal.

Tell her you'd take her out for ice cream.

Tell her to forget the whole thing ever happened.

-Move on. -[Viv] We're the best actors.

Right, Felix?

Tied for first.

[James sighs]

Whose turn is it to do bed tonight?

[Viv] I'm not happy.

Yours.

[Viv] Nothing good happens to me.

Felix gets to be an actor, and you're always with Morris.

-Okay. -Viv, his name is Andrew.

You name someone once, and then it just kind of sticks.

Okay. Well, I see you're drawing your feelings.

I think that's really good. Can I see how upset you are?

-Okay. -Ooh.

Let's just take a look at...

the, uh...

-A flower. -Mm-hmm.

-A flower. -You know, honey,

people have wins and losses on different days of their life

and today feels kinda bit of a win,

but this picture right here, this flower, that--

-Are you kidding? -That's the real win.

-[Astrid] Incredible. -You like it?

-Oh, like it? -Like--

Go pick a magnet because this is fridge material, little missy.

[James] Mmm!

-Killed it. -[Felix] I did one, too.

Is it good?

-Oh, my God. That-- -That's beautiful.

Excellent job. Stunning.

Argh!

[Felix] Maybe I should give this one to Nanima

so she can remember me.

Nanima didn't quit being your grandmother, she quit being helpful.

Remember when she always used to hide chocolates for us?

-Yeah, that was yesterday, buddy. -Yeah. I do remember that.

That's the reason why your sister stayed up till 11:00.

[Viv] Ugh!

I'm here.

So am I.

Where's my little George Clooney?

I always said Felix had a face that could move product.

I brought a treat to say how proud I am of him.

Did you bring something for Viv, too?

Yes, of course. Always got to keep things

equal with the kids. Otherwise, the inmates

can turn on the guards.

So, you came here to bring them chocolate?

Dawn invited me.

[Astrid] What?

Please have a seat.

Both of you. [Clears throat]

Now, it's been brought to our attention

that you have some concerns about the work environment.

She brought it to our attention.

[Dawn] And we do thank her for that.

Thank you, Mother.

-Thanks, Mom. -I didn't have concerns.

I just don't wanna do it anymore.

And we hear you. And we think

we have a way forward. You have been cooking,

cleaning, helping with homework...

Giving advice, commenting on how messy things are.

When your duty should only be childcare.

Nothing more.

I love spending time with the kiddos.

-They're pretty great. -I knew we could resolve this.

But the word "duties"

pretty much sums up the problem for me.

-Okay. What about just Corey? -Dawn.

Mom, where are you going?

I'm taking Graham to see Cavalia .

It's a theatrical presentation

featuring 70 horses in costumes.

You two can fend for yourselves.

Something different about you, Ennis.

It's like you're still you, but now...

I value your opinion.

Success comes from standing out. Not fitting in.

Hey. Uh, so...

this is a family-centric company, right?

Oh, yes. The entire board is related to Mr. Gero

but I'm gonna find my way in.

Maybe a strategic marriage. [Laughing]

And this is a family-centric ad campaign,

so one kid is not enough,

we need to have Viv back in it.

We tried Viv, James. She's a total flop

-from the Planet Meh. -That's what you said you want.

Also, she is not a flop from the--

can you just look at some pictures?

Just look at some pictures real quick.

Here she is. Look at this picture.

Here she is having dessert.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at this guy. Halloween, she's so happy.

She's selling Halloween here.

Look at this on a carousel.

I don't know about you, but this makes me wanna

get on a horse and go round and round.

Not bad. Yes.

She's a lot more interesting than she was yesterday.

Success comes from standing out.

Not fitting in.

Done.

Girl's back in. Good call, Ennis.

Not Ennis' idea, but it's great.

Little boy's out.

No. The little boy stays.

Felix stays in.

James, I can't take this back and forth anymore.

It's your call. Solution,

the boy or the girl, just pick your favorite.

Oh, but not both.

It's a shame we couldn't keep the baby.

I have a vision of the brand growing with the child.

Diapers,

fruit leather, alcohol,

back to diapers.

Incredible.

[door closes]

Hi.

-Hear me out. -Mm-hmm.

Give away all Felix and Viv's toys,

and raise Andrew as a minimalist.

He has 15 pacifiers. I think he's accustomed

to a certain lifestyle. Hello.

Is Viv back in the picture?

[groaning] Marla told me I had to choose my favorite,

so they're both out. I told her neither of them.

You can't take something away from Felix

because it hurts Viv's feelings.

-She's got to figure it out. -[groaning]

[Viv] I was playing with it first.

I was here before you.

I get things first.

I hate you.

[James] Hey. No, you don't.

Well, of course, we have to help them figure it out.

I'm just gonna tell Felix that the photographer has a tapeworm.

It's scary and he doesn't know what that is.

Why don't you just say he's not feeling well?

Why does it have to be a parasitic worm

eating his guts?

I've never seen them talk to each other like that.

Siblings fight.

I told my sister I hate her hundreds of times,

thousands even.

I told her I wish she was never born,

that she was a mistake. I once told her

that my mom told me to please ask her

to run away from home.

Just last week, I stole her jewelry.

Just what siblings do.

Don't make this about me. This is about you.

My brother and I weren't close growing up

because I was the favorite.

That's because you're amazing, charming, so handsome.

Thank you. But he resented me...

and then I felt guilty,

and then it festered, and we had one blowup,

and now we barely speak.

I know it's hard,

but these guys are close.

-It's just a blip. -[groaning]

But our house is full of love, my love.

We can't control how they feel.

And Viv is strong, she can handle her emotions.

Be cool, she's coming. Shh.

I need a snack.

I'll be waiting outside

where no one wants to take my picture.

-[whining] -It's okay.

She'll move back in when she calms down

or if she's a bee.

[Ennis] I'm glad you do think it's great.

-[Marla] It's wonderful. -[Ennis] Because it is.

-[Marla] It's gonna be fine. -Hey.

I know I said Felix is out but now he's back in.

He's over his tapeworm?

Oh, no, I lied about that.

[Ennis] It doesn't matter.

We've got a new campaign,

one that doesn't rely on kids.

What am I looking at?

We are giving Baggy a baggy family.

[Ennis] We've got two baggy parents

that are carrying their kids like bags.

But they've also got bags of groceries

that they bought at Gero's.

Which are the bags and which are the kids?

They're all bags. That's the point.

Don't you think it's confusing that this bag

is holding a bag of groceries in one hand

and his child who is a bag of groceries in the other hand?

You ever have pockets and they get full?

You can't carry all your groceries in your pockets.

These are just like pockets.

What's this child bag of groceries holding?

Another mini--is this

-a baby bag of groceries? -It's a toy bag.

He wants to be like mom and dad so he's play-grocery.

So, this is a toy version of his mom and dad?

Exactly, which was a great idea, Marla.

-I love that idea. -That's also holding groceries?

Yes, it is. It's also holding groceries.

You're answering all your own questions.

I don't understand how a grocery bag

could carry groceries inside its own body

when he's also receiving grocery bags

-at the grocery store. -And that's what bags do,

-they hold groceries. -They went to the store

and they, what, they picked up groceries,

-put them in themselves... -Yes.

-...then also put groceries in bags...

-[Ennis] Bags. -...that are not sentient bags.

[Ennis] Not themselves. No. You're overthinking.

You're underthinking it. This bag of groceries

has another bag of groceries inside.

She's pregnant.

It is a good, strong logo. I love it.

We are presenting it tomorrow and that is final.

You ready to surprise everybody at work

with how distracting you are?

Yeah?

Hi.

Hello.

How was the, uh, horse-show... play? Musical?

Wonderful. For the most part.

It's hard to know for sure if there were really 70 horses.

I mean, they're moving way too fast to count

and they're all zipping around this way and that but...

Is there a story to this show?

I think one of the horses was king.

I mean, it was very beautiful,

you know, if you like horses.

You don't like horses?

I like trying new things

and I love my little Andrew.

Aww. I can keep him today?

That would be amazing.

If I want beautiful drawings like the one Felix made,

I have to put in the time.

Mom, the kids love you.

We may have taken you for granted.

You think?

I didn't have help with you, girls.

My parents were far away and, what,

your dad was useless,

so I wanted you to both have help.

But it can't be my full-time job.

What are your part-time hours like?

So, they're not doing the campaign?

They're going in a different direction.

What does that mean?

Did they find someone better than me?

Oh, no, no, no, buddy. That's the good news.

They're replacing you with a pile of bags.

Yeah. I wouldn't trade you for a million bags,

not even the fancy ones.

[Viv] I don't hate you, Felix. I hate the bags now.

Felix] Thanks, Viv. You, too.

How you doing? You okay, buddy?

Can I play VR at Ab's house this weekend?

-Totally over it. -Yes.

You can put your entire face into a video game all weekend.

-Wooh

-Can I go, too?

-No. -Okay.

[James] It's basically impossible to treat your kids equally.

[Astrid] They're different people. One will need more help

- with math. -And one will need more reminders

not to pick their nose and wipe it on the table.

[Astrid] And sure, maybe they'll resent

how one summer their older sister got to go up to camp

while they had to help get the skunk smell out of the house.

[James] They'll eventually get over it, right?

-[Astrid] Sure. - [James] You can go nuts trying to make sure

everything is totally fair.

[Astrid] But if each of your kids

thinks one or the others is the favorite,

-you're doing a good job. -[Felix] Oh no.

We're not just selling groceries.

We're selling family.

And so we present the baggy family.

And the mom baggy,

the dad baggy made all the little baby baggies.

Well, actually, the bag maker still made all the bags.

"The Bag Maker" sounds vaguely religious to me.

Well, there's no God in the bag world.

Hard to say there's no God, specifically.

Anyway, as I was saying, each bag contains food

and also carries bags with more food.

It's straightforward

and we don't have to figure out if the bags eat, right?

But if the bags did eat--

Well, we don't need to figure it out.

-It's not gonna come up. -But if the bags did eat...

-Not gonna come up. -...we could tell the food

they ate from the food they were holding,

wouldn't be all mushed up and gross and digested either.

Not every puzzle needs to be solved, you know.

And eventually, the food would just disappear.

It would not, you know, you know.

Nope.

Any questions?

[closing music plays]