Original subtitles

- VIV: There was a loud noise, and we didn't know what it was.

But it was Fuzz Butt.

And this part is so funny.

She hit the rake with her paw and ran away.

- JAMES: So funny.

Hey, remember when we talked about knocking

on the bathroom door when it's closed?

- I remember that. - JAMES: Great.

The next step is doing that.

- Let's take a picture of Fuzz Butt with your phone.

- JAMES: Yeah. I can't wait to see it.

The bathroom is personal and private.

Please knock next time. Okay?

Thank you. - Okay.

- ASTRID: As soon as your kids can move, your privacy is dead.

- JAMES: Hmm, it's more like the list of things

you can enjoy privately gets smaller.

- ASTRID: Kids eavesdrop, snoop, gossip.

- JAMES: They sleep in your bed and eat your secret food.

- ASTRID: Oh, if you mean that bag of popcorn

in your underwear drawer, that was me.

- Just one moment.

Just, just one moment, I said. Hi.

- I can wait.

[theme music playing]

- ENNIS: James and I will take care of the whole thing.

Just think of it as a nightclub for groceries.

- Hey. I heard my name.

I just wanted to see what was going on

and clarify that I'm not part of it.

- MARLA: James, come and sit in my big office.

Ennis was just going above and beyond

pitching ideas for Baggies Buys.

- Well, it only counts above and beyond

if he's also doing his actual job.

- Oh, I think it's going fine. No news is good news, right?

- Ennis has an idea, and I want my number one Lieutenant

to help him make it happen.

- We dim the lights low in the grocery store

like at a Hollister.

- No. That idea angered me via gummies.

- ENNIS: Right. Okay.

So you know my cousin who marketed that line

of canned gin drinks, Gindestructible.

- Oh, no. - He created a very tasty

line of kid snacks for lunches.

- MARLA: We're meeting with the board next week

to discuss unique foods

for the Baggies Buys line of groceries launch.

All we have so far is my idea for canned bananas.

We'll call them Cananas. - Oh, that's fun.

- You guys don't have any red flags about a company

that makes only gin drinks and gummies for kids?

- And they also make bongs.

- MARLA: James, I want you to go meet the vendor with Ennis.

- All right. - Oh, meet--okay. Today?

Because I have actual work to do.

- Go tomorrow. - Marla, that's a Saturday.

Then you're gone.

Bye-bye. [groans]

- Oh, it's Nanima.

- Can you get that for me, please?

- FELIX: Yeah.

Hi, Nanima.

One sec. - JAMES: Hey, hey, hey.

That's your grandmother.

Maybe have a conversation with her.

- Hi.

Good. Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

- JAMES: What? - Felix, that is very rude.

Hi, Mom.

Good.

Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

- Everything okay?

- She bailed on babysitting next week.

- [groans] No, that's fine.

I'm sure the tall boy with the allergies

is still available.

- You know, she's been bailing a lot lately.

And she didn't go on and on about some friend of hers

that I barely know with strangely specific afflictions.

- Yes. I'm still haunted by Pamela

with the skin condition who was kicked

by a horse on her birthday.

- You know, every time she's this private,

it's because she's made a huge mistake

and she's trying to hide it.

Like when she bought that home sauna kit

and wanted to install it herself.

- You know, if we moved to a small town,

we could afford a sauna, and hot tub.

Make winters easier. Just saying.

- We're moving away?

- What? No, babe. Dad and I are just talking.

I mean, your father's talking and I'm feigning interest.

How long have you been listening?

- Since you said a horse kicked a birthday girl.

- Oh, speaking of pretending to care, I have to help Ennis.

Excuse me.

Keys back in the pocket, please.

- Oh, fine. - Thank you.

I've got to help Ennis pitch another one

of his meathead cousin's dumpster fire business ideas.

- You know what? I'm gonna go over there, do some digging.

Felix, why don't you draw Nanima a picture?

We'll take it over, say it's your idea.

- Okay.

♪

- Hi, Mom.

It's us.

Sorry to pop in.

Felix just had to see you.

- I didn't say that. - Shh. Yes, you did.

- Hey. - Jesus, Dawn, you scared us.

- I wasn't scared. - Yes, you were.

What are you doing here? - Same as you.

Mom's been ghosting me, which she hasn't done

since she bought that timeshare in Banff.

- Did you find anything? - No,

but I've watered all her plants and color-coded her bookshelves.

- All right. I'll look for any brochures on racehorses.

- You're going through Nanima's things?

- Yes. But it's okay.

It's not like we're invading her privacy.

- I'm gonna check her email. - Good. Hmm.

- NISHA: We could plug it in right next to the [indistinct]

- Dawn, hide.

Hi, Mom.

- Astrid. Felix.

What, what, what are you doing here?

- Dawn's hiding right there.

- Is everything okay?

- Well, we could ask the same of you.

Ignoring phone calls, canceling plans,

letting your asparagus fern completely dry out?

- ASTRID: The walls are closing in, mother.

Anything you'd like to admit?

- That I'm busy living my life.

Thank you.

But now that you're here, I'd like you to take

the rest of your old boxes out of the spare bedroom.

- What?

You love our old boxes.

Ma, what's going on?

- None of your beeswax.

Now, up to your old room.

Go.

Buddy.

- JAMES: Looks like the den where crime hibernates.

- Listen, don't judge a book by its cover, all right?

I know you can tell a lot about a book

by its cover, but this is not a book.

James, it's a place, there's a difference.

- There he is. - Burke.

- Cuz.

- James.

Welcome to my office, brother.

Also my home, as my fiancée and I figure a few things out.

- Candy. - Yeah.

From a stranger in a van.

It's kind of red flag 101, Viv.

So, Burke, my man, how did you go

from Gindestructible to making gummies?

- I tried making these, like, weed gummies but with booze.

But it's a hard sell since kids can just soak

regular gummies in vodka and get the same effect.

- Why are you targeting kids? - Sorry.

Teenagers.

- Anyway, Burke stopped using alcohol

and now they're just delicious healthy gummies.

- Because they're made from the waste byproduct

of the gin flavoring process, they're cheap.

- What kind of meat is your head?

Daddy said you're a meathead.

Is your head ham? - Yeah. That's...

- I smell ham. - No.

She's being--Viv's very funny.

I--no, I did not say that.

- You said Ennis had his meathead cousin

are a dumpster fire. - I did not.

That doesn't even sound like me. So, I didn't say that.

- Yes, it does.

- No, I did not say that.

I did not say that.

- Yes, you did. - Doesn't sound like me.

It's not a thing I would say.

- I have lab results and a nutritional breakdown.

Please tell your daughter I'm legit.

- Can I just talk to you for a second, over here?

Hey, hey, hey. You cannot repeat private conversations

you overhear with me and Mommy,

do you understand me? - Yes, Daddy.

♪

- BO: I'm glad you came to me with this.

- Is it dangerous? It's dangerous.

I'm taking Viv to the emergency room. Viv.

- VIV: I'm busy! - BO: No, it's fine.

- See? He says it's fine. - Okay. So...

- You're hurting feelings over here.

- I said sorry.

- BO: I just meant I'm so happy to see you, two.

Dawn is out, Corey is at a commedia dell'arte class.

That sets the stage

for three pals to get their friend on.

We're all friends, right?

- This is business, not Golden Girls.

Do you wanna eat cheesecake or do you wanna make some money?

- Both, please. Sounds like heaven.

Everything in here is either safe to eat or actually healthy.

- Still hard sell. Made from the sludge byproduct

of a gin drink for bros, for kids.

- Marketing is my specialty.

- So, how does that help us?

Oh, you're offering to actually help us. That's nice.

- Have you asked for a cut of the sales?

You're entitled to a percentage if it hits the shelves.

- That's a good point.

- You're goddamn right, James.

♪

- Oh, looky what I found.

What did you call this? Your, um, death diary.

- Okay. We don't need to go through that.

- Oh, you used to write poetry in there.

- They were songs.

Inspired by Mom and Dad's divorce.

My biggest hit was, uh, "Custody of My Black Heart."

- What do you mean hit? - Okay.

Why don't we just focus on Mom, okay?

What if she's hiding something?

What if she's sick?

- I call dibs on her rocking chair.

- That is your first reaction?

- I kissed my first boyfriend in that chair.

- Retainer Rob?

- He was hot and he was a big deal in the AV club.

- Mom, can we go?

Nanima's on the phone and I can't hear the movie

because she's laughing too loud.

- Mom laughs.

What do the laughs sound like?

- [chuckles]

- [gasps] That's her flirt laugh.

- What's a flirt laugh?

- One of the many fake laughs a woman develops to stay alive.

- Huh? - Don't worry about it, Felix.

Go on. Go play.

- So, she didn't buy a timeshare,

she is dating again.

- Remember that really tall dentist who drove very slow?

- Or the guy who said he was good at the yo-yo,

but kept forgetting it at home?

- What if we're making space for someone to move in?

♪

- [chuckles] - Well, well, well.

Look who's texting her secret boyfriend.

- What are you talking about?

- We know you're seeing someone.

- How do you know it's someone?

Maybe I'm taking a new lover every night.

- Oh, just tell us the truth. - Mom, why?

- Fine.

There's a man in my life and I'm setting up

that room for when he stays over.

- You're making him sleep in another room?

- He has a loud machine.

[Dawn snorts]

- What kind of machine? - NISHA: No.

Whenever I date someone, you find a ridiculous flaw

that I can't get out of my head.

Like that cute waiter I was seeing

until you said laughed like Goofy.

So then I tried to be serious all the time,

but he loved my Frasier Crane impression.

So, that was that.

- We just want you to date someone good enough for you.

And that doesn't collect dolls.

- I'm not telling you anything.

Butt out.

- I'm just... - All right. That's fair.

Felix, did you overhear a name when she was on the phone?

- Well, she said, "Not now, Graham."

And then did that laugh.

- Graham.

♪

♪

So, Viv's just gonna be stuffing her face

with experimental candy all day?

- It's more of a focus group,

and I use focus loosely because it's Ennis,

Bo, Cory, and Viv and sugar.

- Is that a good idea?

- Honestly, no. But I insulted his cousin.

So, he gets to mess with our family.

It's only fair. - How'd you insult his cousin?

- You hear that? But you don't hear me

telling you to go clean your room ten times a day?

- ASTRID: Despite always listening in,

kids have pretty selective hearing.

They can hear the word ice cream from anywhere in the house,

but other things never seem to sink in.

- Well, can I play a podcast while I clean?

- Sure, but something educational

or where a group of guys riff.

- Come on, kiddo.

- ASTRID: All right. Using deduction and Facebook.

- Ah.

- I've narrowed my search down to three Grahams.

- Uh-hmm. Hmm.

Do you think you can take one of our children

when you go spy on your mother?

- I'll bring Felix.

He's observant. - Uh-hmm.

- I can pay him off with ice cream.

- FELIX: Yes.

♪

- Oh, Corey's out, Felix, but you can play

with these bags of reclaimed wooden toys

that I've set aside for goodwill.

- Okay.

- So, I dug up a little intel on Mom's dirty little secret.

So she follows Graham on Instagram but his account

is just pictures of hawks eating mice.

- Hmm. - There's a twist.

He has no other social media.

No Twitter, no LinkedIn, no TikTok.

- So, your big twist is that he has good mental health?

- The twist is that he's a ghost.

Another sketchy weirdo friend that lives off the grid,

like that guy who shaved his forehead.

- Or the comedian with the microphone tattoo?

- That's a pretty cool tattoo.

- No, it's not.

- I also made some calls to a private eye

who I paid to find out everything about him.

- You hired a private investigator?

- Don't make that face.

I have him on retainer for work.

It's normal, Astrid.

- Who cares about boring you. Tell me about Graham.

- I could or I could take you to the kitchenware store

where he works and show you.

♪

- This is not a kitchenware store.

- Hmm. Yeah. My private eye is not very good.

- Oh, my God.

Is that him?

- Okay. This might be Mom's weirdest boyfriend yet.

- Wait. Nanima has a boyfriend?

- Shh, just go look around.

- Oh, cool. Bullets. - Don't touch or glorify them.

Okay. - Yeah.

- Oh, hey there. - Hi.

- What are you two prepping for today?

- Oh, just the usual end-of-the-world stuff.

- Well, then I suggest stocking up on beans.

Don't spill them.

People think you can't keep a secret.

[snorts, laughs]

[both fake laughing]

- That's a funny joke.

- Also water purification tablets,

the iodine in those will help protect you

against radiation poisoning,

so you can recycle your body fluids.

- You mean, drink your own urine.

- ASTRID: Uh, Graham.

If one were to want to, oh, I don't know,

overthrow the government.

Is this the kind of store one would shop in?

- Excuse me.

I have a lunch date with a very magical woman.

Hi. - Oh, Dawn, quickly.

- Felix? Felix?

Astrid?

- Hi, Mom.

Dawn's hiding under that mask.

- Unbelievable.

- What? You guys all know each other here?

- Yeah. Sorry.

We didn't mean to trick you, but Nisha's our mother.

- Oh, please. Don't be sorry for anything.

This is the nicest Ambush I've ever been involved in.

- BO: Okay.

Let's start by saying how the gummies

make us feel and see if that triggers any ideas?

- I still feel betrayed.

- Well, I feel frustrated.

- I'm getting notes of plum.

- Do any of those inspire names?

- Uh, Chew chunks, swallow amigos. No.

- Choose your friends wisely. That could be good.

- Uh-hmm. Okay.

- Call them Doritos.

- That name's already taken, Wonder Girl.

- Dance of the sugar plum gummy.

- Glad I brought my mind an umbrella

because this quite the brainstorm.

How about Fruity Buddies?

- That's not bad.

- BO: It evokes a tale of humble beginnings

two best buddies creating a revolutionary product,

weathering the storm.

They won't let a little spat spoil what they've got

because buddies, good buddies,

fruity buddies, they love each other, man.

- I mean... - Yeah, it's, it's pretty good.

That's good. - ...it sounds fine.

That's good. I guess.

- Now, we just need a slogan.

- They're just good.

- That's not so bad. - Right? The slogan?

- Nope. Why wouldn't you bring an actual kid to the pitch?

- Oh, yeah. Having a sweet face there

could really take the edge off the fact that these candies

are essentially made from industrial byproducts.

♪

- GRAHAM: That's why I don't buy ducks raised on a farm.

They deserve autonomy over their own lives.

Anyway, that's my duck tale.

[Nisha laughing]

- Over here.

On me.

Thank you very much.

You know, there's nothing better than paying with currency

that you can hold in your hands and send a message.

They didn't charge us for the desserts again,

my darling.

They never do.

How generous is that? I got to go say thank you

to all the people in the back.

Excuse me.

- You said you wouldn't snoop, what's the first thing you do?

- Mom, you never had a boyfriend that moved in before.

So if...

Felix, why don't you go buy yourself a candy bar?

- Thank you.

- It makes sense that we wanna vet this one more.

- We just wanted to make sure you are in good hands.

- NISHA: Okay. Let's hear it then.

What's wrong with him?

Is he a flat-earther, ocean denier, a winter cyclist?

- Well, he's preparing for the end of the world

so he's a little pessimistic.

- No. Stop.

I am lucky to have two very funny,

very observant daughters that I love.

And I have precisely zero F's to give

about what they have to say to me right now.

- Mom, you know what those F stand for, right?

- Farts. - DAWN: Mom, please.

He sells weapons legally, but still--

- Zero.

I will keep my private life and my family life separate.

And I will thank you to butt out.

- Oh, honey. It's okay.

Nanima's just upset because she wanted us

to like her boyfriend and we're just not sure yet.

- I thought she wanted you to be happy for her.

- Wow, kid.

- That's so insightful.

- Do you think I could fit this whole chocolate bar in my mouth?

- JAMES: And that's the story of how Fruity Buddies

went from being a star in the sky

to a treat in our mouth.

[applause]

- Well done, gentlemen.

Um, unfortunately, I have a doctor's appointment

to get to, but I'd like to hear a little more.

How are they made?

- Ah, I got this, James.

I assume you're all familiar with the process

of flavoring canned gin drinks?

- No.

- Uh, I don't know what to say to now.

- Yeah, I do. Uh, they are made from sludge

that is normally dumped in the garbage

or perhaps more likely a river.

- Sludge?

No one wants to eat sludge.

- JAMES: Yes, but my friend's cousin,

found a way to make that sludge

not only edible but delicious.

And that's a win for both the environment and our mouths.

- Vivian. - Yes.

- As a child, what do you think?

- They're just good.

And they made my poo blue.

- What? - MARLA: Vivian. Tell me.

Did these gummies change the color

of your bowel movements?

- [whispers] Yes.

- [sighs, laughs]

- Thank God. Sam, cancel my appointment.

The gummies are out, obviously,

but I have a--another food item

that I Cananot wait to, uh, tell you about.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

♪

- Yes?

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom.

- Hello.

- We know you probably don't wanna hear this,

but we--we did some digging on Graham.

- Uh-hmm.

- Remember how many Fs?

- He has a nice laugh.

- He does have a great laugh.

- His legs are strong looking.

- He has powerful quads.

When he runs, it's like two meat pistons.

- Um, I found out that his store

donates a lot to the Toronto Food Bank.

- His credit history is impeccable.

- She has a private eye. - Uh-hmm.

We brought you these.

- Graham is your business,

but when you're ready to spill the beans,

we'd love to hear.

- No judgment.

- Are these from his store?

- No. No. - We--because we went

to the store, it was-- - These are just from my house.

- It was closed. - It's my container.

- Thank you.

It's how it should be.

I mean, you'd never hear me going on

about the things that are wrong with James or Bo.

- I'd actually love to hear all the things

wrong with James and Bo. - Me too.

- Well, come on in.

- ASTRID: Having a family means

having people up in your business.

- JAMES: Yeah. You might sometimes

find yourself sneaking off

to, like, just be alone.

- ASTRID: But you-- you won't be alone.

They'll find you with a weird question or a pressing need.

- JAMES: Or to tell you everything

they know about trees.

- ASTRID: Or to share your secret snacks.

- JAMES: And, yeah, you may have

fewer bags of popcorn to yourself.

- ASTRID: Well, at least you're not eating popcorn alone.

- JAMES: Uh-hmm. To be clear, I wanna eat popcorn alone.

I do not want people to see the way I eat popcorn.

- ASTRID: Oh, I love the way you eat popcorn.

Reckless and desperate, like Cookie Monster.

Yeah. [laughs]

No, no, no, no, no, no. You didn't knock.

- What if I really have to go or I forget to knock?

- Don't forget. - Fine.

- No. That's on the inside.

You have to do that from the outside.

Go outside, try it again.

- Fine.

[knock on door]

- Come in.

Viv.

I'm really struggling with this one.