Original subtitles

-Who keeps putting half-eaten apples in the fridge?

Felix? Viv? Andrew doesn't have teeth, but he's still a suspect.

Hey, ding-dongs. I said two episodes, and then that's it.

I don't know when they end.

Well, I said said you could watch two episodes an hour ago,

so you've watched at least four now.

I watched my two and then Viv watched her two.

[Astrid] Screen time. Like Tummy Time or Time Out.

The kind of time we never knew about until we had kids.

Can I watch the iPad now?

[James] Yeah. When I was growing up,

we rotted our brains with TVs and computers,

and we were fine.

[Astrid] Or so we thought.

But apparently it's actually bad for kids' brains.

[James] And now there are so many screens in so many places,

it's like their brains can't escape.

Where's the clicker? Hello. Hello?

[James] You can't cut them off screens completely.

Let me see. I know, it's-- ha ha ha. Where's the--?

[Felix exclaims]

- Oh, fine. I'll do it myself. - [Viv] No! Watching TV!

[James] Here we go. Watch this. Okay, wait. Watch this.

[Astrid] Because eventually, technology will pass you by

and you'll need their help with your screen time.

Right now, 'cause Daddy's gonna--

- [Felix and Viv laughing] - Is that-- Ho--!

Hey! Wh-- How--? Give me that.

Would you like me to turn off the TV, Daddy?

Yes, I would.

[James] And then they will have their revenge.

Yeah, I-I'll be back in front of my computer in, like, a minute.

Can I use your phone to show Felix

the goat screaming like a person?

No, no, because I'm using my phone

to make a phone call with my boss.

Whoa, the "B word!"

Yeah, but that goat thing is funny.

Anything that screams like a person, I laugh.

Except a person.

Jean-Luc, I'm really gonna need you to keep this call focused

because we've already spent way

too much time talking about Kirsten Dunst.

She deserves an Oscar.

Okay, I know that people are worried that the World Cup

means more trash in the city, but I'm not worried.

We've been specifically hired to worry about it.

Okay, this is not good for my mental health.

I already got a lot on my plate.

Yes, I already know about running your mother's Airbnb

and the thing with your girlfriend's foot.

Can we watch Cake Idiots?

Uh, no. Felix, you guys are supposed to be taking a break

from screen time for the next two days.

Can you go play in the backyard?

Oh, we can pretend it's a giant VR room.

- Yes! - Come on, let's go, Viv!

Okay. Um, one thing that we can do that's job-related is, um,

I can chart how other cities boosted their waste management.

Are--are you playing video games?

No. Are you?

What were you saying?

I'm going to make a pretty graph and show the garbage people

where to add more garbage trucks.

That would make me feel so much better.

Okay, I'll have it for you on Monday. Goodbye.

Bye!

- Ha! - Hi-yah!

- [grunts] Yah! - Hyah!

James. At your desk. I love it.

Ah, well, you took the chairs out of the break room.

Wheel of Time stops for no one. Do you watch the Wheel of Time?

Uh, I watch a show called Cake Idiots,

about people who make cake.

They try to make cake, but they--they can't make a cake.

Good news, James. I have decided to put you

in charge of Gero's social media accounts.

Okay. And not someone who's good at that.

Oh, we had a social media manager,

but we fired her for using the "F" word.

Ah! You know, generally,

the only "F" word I like to use is effort. I use--

James. I loved that joke.

Ha ha. But here's the thing.

I don't think I'm the best person

to necessarily be tweeting and TikTokking.

You are punctual, well informed,

and unwilling to speak out against authority--

all things people love in a social media manager.

I call hashtags pound signs.

You'll be typing, so no one will know how out of touch you are.

All you have to do is tweet the deals

from the web page as they come up.

Okay? And I do that in addition to my other job?

Yes. Now, Twitter traffic is huge on weekends,

so respond to the apps.

All of them.

Cool, cool, cool, cool. Just eat, sleep, tweet.

That's it. That's--that's-- that's all there is to it.

Mommy, look at my drawing.

That's fantastic.

- Mom. Mom. Mom? - Yes? Yes? Yes?

Can you get my Legos?

Um, the Legos we put in the attic

because you said you didn't like Legos anymore.

Yeah.

- What is happening? - Drawing my name.

Okay, um, Mommy has a lot of work to do.

Do you think you guys could just play a game

of Snakes and Ladders?

That game is dumb.

Yes, correct. The person who invented it

understood ladders, but not snakes.

Um, okay, okay, why don't we just--

let's watch a little bit of TV.

I thought we were taking a break.

This is like a break from the break.

Good. I'm exhausted.

Great. Come on, let's go.

Let's do it.

Okay, I'm going to be right over there.

So, you know, if you yell, I'll hear you like, instantly.

- Sure. - Cool. Viv? Viv?

[woman on television] You may be the professor of archeology

at the University of Alberta, but you're also a Cake Idiot.

[brutal buzzer]

Right. Okay. I'll be over here.

- Ugh. Hey, question for you. - Mm?

We work for a grocery chain.

You'd think they could provide lunch.

Then stop eating your lunch when you first get here.

I skip breakfast. That's my thing.

'Kay. Hey, I got a question for you. What's a "simp"?

What's a phone? What's the Internet?

Nobody asks other people questions anymore. Uh, d'uh!

Marla's got me in charge of the Gero's social media account.

I'm trying to learn the lingo.

You're in charge of the social media account?

That's like--that's like having a brush fire

then they get the guy who doesn't know where the water is

to put out the-- the brush fire.

That's what-- that's you. You're the-- You understand?

- I get it. - I have a question for you.

I read this article,

36 questions that if you ask somebody

and they answer truthfully, you fall in love with them.

Falling in love just from talking to somebody?

Mm-mm. Some people call that a conversation.

Well, my parents haven't spoken in years.

They've never been stronger. My mother could be nicer.

Okay. For example,

if--if a crystal ball could reveal one truth about yourself,

what would you want to know?

Mm... I guess I'd want to know if I've been as true to myself

as I've been to the people I love.

[laughter builds]

See, that's stupid. That...

Actually, I-- [stammers] I hope you have, too.

You deserve it.

Don't fall in love with me, Ennis.

But see, that's the point. I wouldn't.

They were implying that I could fall in love with you

just from one beautiful,

heartbreakingly evocative answer.

Oh, here we go. A "simp" is a silly or foolish person.

Okay, I'm gonna tweet that I'm "a simp for asparagus."

[laughs] That's funny.

You're funny, James. [sighs]

[Astrid clears throat]

[indistinct television audio]

Um, hi.

Hi. I didn't hear you come in.

I have small feet. Uh, what are you working on?

[sighs] I'm just researching how the Greek government

got rid of trash during the 2004 Olympics.

- Lot of landfills. - Great.

Um, but when you're done with that,

I think the kids might be going cross-eyed.

Hey! Break from the break is over.

Everybody upstairs. Go read.

Felix, no picture books.

Viv, only those boring nature books that you hate.

Fine! But I'm going to read them in a mean voice.

[Viv growls]

That's right, get mad.

It's so hard to keep kids off screens.

Corey is always on his calculator,

but he's not allowed on the Internet.

Isn't he learning to code?

He writes out his code longhand on recycled paper.

He just finished the website for Bo's Crocheting service.

It fills a whole banker's box.

You're only young once.

Did I forget we were having coffee or something? I--

Many times. But today,

I'm here to get Corey's marble set.

Dawn, I don't know where that is.

Well, when I lent it to you guys, I put it right...

there, where it still is.

Oh, yeah, that's where I put it, there.

We keep it there in case the urge to play marble strikes.

- Bye. - Bye.

Aw, Andrew's first family meeting.

Where's Viv?

She's on the iPad like Mommy does.

Aw, Viv's first online meeting.

How is everyone doing today? How's Morris?

No, his name's not Morris, Viv. It's Andrew.

- Please stop doing that. - Viv.

Viv, this is, uh, what it's going to be like

when you're away at college, and it's very emotional for me.

Can you please join us downstairs?

It's easier to focus with the iPad.

- Okay, is everybody ready--? - [shrill electronic feedback]

That's-- look at that. We're all within earshot.

Can everybody just mute their screens real quick?

Your father and I--

Ugh. "Your father and I."

Me and Papa Nerd want to cut back on screen time.

It's bad for your eyes and brains.

And bodies. We should be moving our bodies constantly.

That's-- but not literally constantly.

That would be impractical and probably unhealthy.

Rest is very important.

And you should exercise, though, once a day.

I-- Basically, what I'm saying is that, um,

we're spending too much time not exercising.

Sorry, I missed that. Can you start again?

God, no. You're taking a break from screens till next week,

and that is final.

But you get to be on your screens all the time.

That's different, buddy. We use our screens for work.

Is your work watching videos of dogs protecting babies?

Well--

Daddy got the glitch.

James, you're frozen.

Uh-- Okay, hold on. I'm coming.

Anyway, point taken, Felix. We use screens a lot, too.

We will also take a break. Meeting adjourned.

Eh, did you just volunteer to give up our screens?

Yes, to their faces. But obviously we're not doing that.

We just have to lie about it and do it secretly, like addicts.

Oh! Nice.

See? It's working. We're great parents.

Totally. The best.

I'm really enjoying the screen break as well, I would say.

- Yes. - [chuckles] Right?

I did send you a video of penguins and their babies.

Just don't-- don't look at it right now.

- Yeah. - Later.

We should go out if it's nice.

Uh-huh.

- I can check if it's nice. - Mmm...

Don't--don't-- I don't think you should do that.

But I will have to check my phone

to see if any work emails came in

to tell me to tweet.

And actually, I have to do that by 10:00. What time is it?

- I could check the time. - I could also check the time.

I'll just hop on here real quick. Just real quick.

Yeah.

Look what I colored!

- Ah! Hey! - Hey, wonder girl.

What?

- Oh! - That has a lot of detail.

Like you've been really looking at that for a long time.

Mm-hmm. So, great colors, first note.

But, like, so the half-human, half-cat is a little adult, no?

- It's from the iPad. - What?

You're not supposed to be on screens this weekend.

I wasn't. Felix printed it for me.

Oh, no, no, no.

[stammers] You gotta--

Hey, what are you doing?

Ahh... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Both of you get dressed while we figure out your punishment.

- [Felix groans] - [James] Ooh!

Come on!

- Hey. Sorry. - So, new plan.

I'm gonna take the kids to the park

while Andrew has his nap time.

That will give you a chance to get some work done, a bit of it.

And then when I come back, we switch swap.

What about your Twitter thing?

Aren't you supposed to be doing that all day?

Yeah, uh, well, I got a solution.

Voice-to-text tweeting.

"Running low on Sriracha? Gero's has gotcha.

Two-for-one bottles only at Gero's."

- Slick! - Mm!

And I rhymed "Sriracha" with "gotcha."

- That I did not care for. - Okay.

Oh. Getting a lot of engagement.

So, thank you. Stand... corrected...

I'll-- um, I'll finish the laundry.

- I'm the ice dragon! - I want to be the ice dragon!

Hey, hey, hey, you're both ice dragons.

But I'm an ice and fire and lightning dragon.

Why doesn't Felix just say he's the everything dragon?

No, then Viv says she's

an everything dragon times infinity.

It becomes a whole thing.

Yeah, but then Felix can say he's a rubber dragon

and everything Viv says bounces off him, sticks to her.

Kids don't know how to play anymore.

I got a text the world about milk.

Oh, yeah, just keep it simple, like we said.

"Gotta love fresh milk. On sale all weekend.

Pound sign, great savings."

That was perfect. You're perfect.

You know, I appreciate you coming out here, but you don't

have to hold my hand through the whole social media thing.

[laughs] "Hold your hand"?

That's-- Yeah. Imagine. I got a question for you.

- Eh? - What's the last song you sang?

By yourself or to another person?

This-- another one of those love questions?

It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It was stupid.

But answer, though?

Uh... well, I sang "Wrecking Ball" to Viv.

- Oh, no. - [laughs] Yeah.

- Ugh. - I don't know, but...

Viv did kind of come into my life like a wrecking ball.

When she was born, she just tore down all my preconceptions,

made me a better man.

Hey, guys, guys. Hide and seek, okay? I'm counting.

- Let's hide, Felix. - Will you watch them?

- Viv, come on, let's go! - [Ennis] Oh. Okay.

"Only today at Gero's Grocery,

save 20 percent on all Greek yoga--"

[screams] Stop farting on my face!

Stop farting in your sister's face!

- This is stupid. - [tweet sound]

Look at me. Come here. Where's Viv?

Hey. Start behaving or we're gonna go home, okay? Play nice.

They don't deserve you.

Thanks.

[Astrid] It's worrying to think about the long-term effects

your parenting could have on your kids.

Not enough water could mean bad kidneys forever.

Not enough exercise is bad for their heart.

Too much screen time turns them into jittery,

hunched-over little screen goblins.

But not finishing work might mean

that they don't have food or shelter.

Right? [chuckles]

So sometimes you have to make tough choices.

[baby cries]

Are you planning on using the oven or not?

[brutal buzzer]

Today's contestants are a biochemical engineer,

an ancient language specialist, and...

Already?

But-- Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?

- What's all this? - No, don't "What's this?"

What about you? Why are you home so early?

Where our kids? Did you leave them at the park?

My phone died, they're in the backyard.

Have you seen my stick?

Hey, there's plenty of sticks outside, buddy.

Andrew would not go down. I think he is toying with me.

Can you please, please make sure the kids stay outside?

I can't. I got to stay plugged in.

At MountainDewFlex says our kale salad slaps.

Which I think is good,

but I was very wrong about what "snatched" meant.

Okay, remember when I said that we were great parents?

I was wrong.

Okay. Yeah, there's some places we could improve.

What do you think?

- Something drastic? - Yeah, that's it.

- Oh! - Screen jail.

Felix, go get Viv.

Go get Viv. We are going to do something as a family,

and we are going to like it, whether we like it or not.

Okay, Felix, you are up.

I don't understand why I had to go to jail.

Because you landed on "Go to Jail."

But I didn't want to land there.

- It's just a game, sweetie. - A super fun game.

Just stop.

Do people go to jail for no reason in real life?

No!

Actually, honestly, yes.

There's complex systemic problems in place,

made worse by the fact that you, Viv, are poor...

in the game.

Felix, roll the dice.

Why doesn't Mom just lend Viv the money? She has tons.

Because Mommy is not an empathy bank.

Mommy's a money bank.

She can't just give out free money to anyone who asks.

- Why not? - Well, I'm gonna refer you

back to those systemic problems I mentioned earlier.

In fact, I bet there's some great movements about it.

- I'm just going to pop out... - No phones!

Just roll the dice. Please.

Please, I beg you, roll the dice.

[James] That's...!

- Oh, my God. - [Felix] Yay! Got a six.

- [doorbell rings] - One on the floor every time...

- Can you get that? - Oh, yep.

[knocking on door]

Hello?

- Yeah, what? Hey. - [Astrid] Ennis.

James, you're okay? Jeez, man, I'm not going to sing to you.

- What? - Nothing!

I've been trying to reach you for hours.

What's going on? No calls are getting through,

- my texts... - My phone's dead and in jail.

Yeah, well, your last tweet is blowing up,

and not in the good way.

[automated voice] Only today at Gero's Grocery,

save 20 percent on all Greek yoga.

Stop farting on your sister's face. This is stupid.

Yeah. On the bright side, Greek yoga is trending.

- This is bad. - No, I looked it up.

It's apparently just like regular yoga.

It can't keep blowing it forever, right?

Like, people have other things to do with their life...

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay.

I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna delete it.

One of the Property Brothers just retweeted it.

Huh? Okay, uh, uh, screen jail is over.

- Yes! - All screens on deck.

Everybody grab a screen.

Conspiracy Twitter is on board now.

"Gero's wants you to have loose bowels

so you'll buy more adult diapers."

- You okay, buddy? - No, I'm not.

This viral sister fart dance is harder than it looks.

Oh, dear God. Need updates, people.

I got something. BuzzFeed just put out an article.

"Normalize not farting on women."

- Farting's been canceled. - [Viv groans sharply]

Okay, we're on four subreddits.

I am downloading as fast as I can. But, uh, doesn't...

Oh, God.

Bad news. We're out of cereal.

Okay. Look, I need your help crafting a response.

I can't. I'm in the middle of a flame war

with this guy on Facebook.

It's not entirely related to what we're doing here,

but I'm gonna nail him if he ever responds.

That's okay. I can do it.

"Farting, like breastfeeding, is a natural occurrence."

- [Astrid] No. - "Farting is just burping

- that took the down elevator. - [Astrid] Stop.

"If my tweet traumatized you in any way, I'm sorry."

- [Astrid] "If." Not an apology. - I know.

[phone ringtone plays]

- I know what you're gonna say. - What?

That Gero's farts has its own Twitter account?

You knew I was going to say that?

Uh, I can't say I did know.

It has almost as many followers

as Gero's actual Twitter account.

I'm sorry, Marla.

I did tell you that I was bad at the social media thing.

I told him that, too, Marla. It's Ennis.

Can you tell her it's Ennis. I'm here working.

Well, thanks to your tweet,

we have gained 10,000 followers

and an exclusive distribution deal

for a line of activated charcoal underwear.

So I'd say you're damn good.

- Really? - We've been trending all day.

I mean, Gero's is a part of the conversation.

You can't buy that kind of publicity.

Which makes firing you feel weird.

But not from your job, just from running Gero's Twitter account.

Ah. That is a huge relief.

No pun intended.

[stammers] Can I ask why, Marla?

This is a family company, and you used the "F" word.

Fart? That's... not the "F" word.

And--and that's--

Okay, we're done with that. Uh, crisis averted.

Ooh, fantastic. I gotta bounce.

You know those, uh, love questions I asked you?

I've been stealing your answers,

so now a bunch of women on apps are in love with me.

You mean in love with me.

I wish. You're taken.

Be good to him, Astrid. You don't know what you have.

Stay away from my man, Ennis.

Not that it matters, but where are the children?

Huh?

[Astrid] Sure, screens have a bad reputation,

but sometimes they're great.

[James] It's easy to feel guilty about all the things

we're supposed to do or not do.

It's brutal. Sometimes you have to give yourself a break.

[James] Screens are a part of the world, for good or evil.

- Mostly evil. - [Astrid] James, don't.

Sometimes those screens bring us

together and create memories.

[James] Yes, yes, yes.

And also record memories

that Big Tech has access to.

- I said don't. - Sorry.

Bedtime, unfortunately. Go get Susy.

- Nope. Nope. Nope. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

- Go on, bedtime. - [Viv groans]

[playful groan]

Okay.

Where is the remote button on this thing?

Hi, Dad. You need to download the remote app on your phone.

Uh, how do-- where's my phone?

[Felix laughs]

Felix, give me back my phone!

"If you knew that you had one year to live,

what would you change about how you live and why?"

Have you seen Eat, Pray, Love?

Oh, like, a million times.

I'd watch that.

If you had a year to live, you'd watch a movie.

I've heard good things.

Yeah, but you have a whole year.

I'd be working and sleeping. Not a lot of free time.

If you only had a year to live, you'd still be working?

I don't understand the question. Back to work.

I mean, how do you not fall in love?

[vocalists sing end theme song]