Original subtitles

[soft music playing]

- Astrid. I like your shoes.

- Oh, thanks. - Oh, you look tired.

- There it is. Well, Mom, I am tired.

And my day isn't even half over

because after I put the children I made to bed,

I have to prepare a report for the children I work with.

- Oh, someone's feeling old.

You're young still.

Maybe start using an eye serum.

- JAMES: [groans] Everybody Astrid works with

has some sort of social media side hustle.

Like, there's this one guy who does ASMR videos on Cameo.

- My friend Vicky's husband got an earring in his you-know-what.

- What? Mom, ASMR not S and M.

- ASTRID: This is Jean-Luc, my boss.

- NISHA: Your boss?

His eyes look amazing.

Oh, bittu, you have school in thirty.

- I can't find my goggles.

- Why do you need goggles?

Are those my underwear?

- We're doing a skit for history.

My friend had to be an ancient guy.

- Someone else wore these?

Being a parent can be embarrassing.

- The toilet has blood.

Someone's butt is bleeding. - FELIX: Ugh! Gross.

- ASTRID: Sometimes it's downright mortifying.

- Hooray!

Your mother's menstrual cycle has returned for the first time

since becoming pregnant with baby Andrew.

- Mom, please. - What?

It's wonderful.

James, I'm assuming you're getting a vasectomy now?

- [stammers] - What's a vasectomy?

- It's a completely normal, regular, safe procedure.

- All daddies have a baby factory in their body.

- JAMES: Oh! - Ah!

- FELIX: What? - NISHA: A vasectomy

snips the road out of the factory

so the little guys can't get out.

- So you're leaving them in there to die?

- JAMES: You'd think you'd get used to the humiliation,

but the variety of awkward situations

really keeps it fresh.

- What are the guys' names? - Hmm.

[upbeat music playing]

- JEAN-LUC: What do you mean you have five sugars in there.

- Yeah, I have five sugar packs,

and then I put a shot of vanilla.

- JEAN-LUC: Five sugar packs?

- It's almost ten o'clock.

I was about to issue an Amber Alert.

- Everything's okay. We're just very late. [chuckles]

- BUBBLEGUM: Actually, I was here on time

because I waited outside for Jean-Luc.

- No, I was at the coffee shop.

That's why I text you "JA VA."

- BUBBLEGUM: Oh, see, and I thought you meant Je va,

which is French for "I go." - I see.

[chuckles] - [laughs] There, I see.

- What a mix up!

- [chuckles]

- Anyway, while I was at work just now,

I solved the transportation budgeting issue.

- Oh, I actually already took care of that.

- You what--what? You did what?

- Yeah, I just asked Public Works

to accelerate some of the construction

projects going on in the East End

so that we could redistribute

the streetcars around the stadium.

- Boom. Yeah. - Nice.

- That's actually a great idea.

- I messaged you on Insta.

- Why didn't you just email me?

- I didn't know your preference.

- It's email. My work email. - Okay.

- Hmm. - Wait.

When did you guys even talk about this?

- [exhales] Yesterday? - Yeah.

- We went for sushi tacos, which we know you can't eat, so...

- When I was pregnant.

If you haven't noticed,

I haven't been pregnant in four months,

so I can eat sushi.

I can eat it all the time.

I can eat as much sushi as I want.

I can--I--I--I can guzzle raw fish like a freaking sea lion.

[imitates sea lion]

[indistinct chatter]

- JEAN-LUC: Noted. Yeah. - BUBBLEGUM: Wow...

- Yeah.

[upbeat music playing]

- ENNIS: Your surgery's Saturday, right?

How about Raptors next Sunday?

I got a line to some great tickets.

We just got to go in through the maintenance entrance,

and one of us has a dress like we work there.

- Heard about your va-va-vasectomy, James.

- Wai--wait, what? How?

- Ennis texted me.

- Okay, well, it's fine.

Also private.

- MARLA: Nonsense. You are trading in your manhood

to finally commit full time to Baggie's Buys.

- I had to put a bit of a spin on it.

No, no. Not-- not trading in anything.

Also, still very committed to my family.

- But no more new distractions.

Kudos.

- This weekend, I'm just going to lay down on the couch

and catch up on movies. Gonna watch The Shape of Water.

- You've never seen one of the twenty-first century's

greatest cinematic treasures?

- I kind of missed most of the movies from 2017 to now.

- A mute cleaning lady?

A top-secret fish man.

It is a story of love that you have to see

if you're still interested in love

in your... [clicks] condition.

[Ennis and Marla laughing]

- I will not be made to feel shame.

- Hey, you do want to take your recovery very seriously,

because a friend of mine from dodge ball

took a howitzer in the nards

and it kind of reattached his vas deferens?

- Wha--is that medically possible?

- I guess the ball just hit his junk so hard

that it sort of fused the whole situation back together

and he became a full man again.

Not that you're not a full man.

You--you'd be a full man still

if you had the-- you know what I mean?

It's full, all man.

You're all man.

- [tsks]

- Just some super chill, laid-back cupcakes to be like,

"Hey, y'all, sorry for freaking out before, or whatever.

[laughs] NBD." [chuckles]

- Everybody has emotional days.

I don't think you need to apologize for your...

you know...

- Period, James?

- JAMES: I didn't say "period."

[stammers] Not that I'm afraid to say "period."

I just know that your emotional outburst

was about something else.

Period.

Full stop.

- My emotional outburst...

- Yeah.

...is because I'm frustrated with them.

- They screw around at work, and then they do work over lunch,

and everybody's really smart, but nobody tries hard.

And I just feel like...

I just don't see how I fit in there.

- I think that you are a genius...

who smells very nice...

and makes very good cupcakes.

- Thank you.

You're right about me. - Mm.

- That is who I am.

Did everyone keep talking about your procedure at work?

[chuckles] - Oh! Yeah, no,

it calmed down after lunch,

but, uh, only because Beth had a bad burrito

and that took over the news cycle.

Although apparently, if I don't take it,

like, super easy, my vas deferens can reconnect.

- That's a male conspiracy to spend a day on the couch.

- Mm, pamphlet says two days, but if I heal properly,

then you never have to give birth again!

Sorry, that didn't mean for that to sound so emphatic.

It's, uh, it's so sad that we're totally done

and never gonna have more children.

Right?

- JEAN-LUC: You look amazing, but you're only eating meat?

- BUBBLEGUM: Only meat, no veggies.

- JEAN-LUC: Makes sense.

Astrid! - Hi.

- Vibe check?

- Good vibes, good vibes. - BUBBLEGUM: Oh!

- Yeah! - JEAN-LUC: Rainbow sprinkles.

- Yeah, sorry about, you know, the raw fish thing.

I think it just kind of hit a nerve. [chuckles]

- Mmm.

- Astrid I feel really bad about the other day.

The whole sushi stitch. - JEAN-LUC: Yeah.

- But we are going to Snack Bar on Saturday

and you should totally join us.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I heard great things, but I can't

because my husband's having surgery.

- Oh.

- Well, this is amazing. So...

- ASTRID: Oh, good. Yeah, the recipes from this baking show.

Do you guys watch Cake Idiots?

- I think it's kind of mean to call people idiots.

- No, it's fair.

They get, like, the dumbest people.

Yeah, one cake was so idiotic, I took a picture of the TV.

[laughs]

Oh, hey, you checked my TikTok?

- Ahh! No, wait. What? - No likes or comments.

- Sorry. This phone's just, like, really choppy.

- [chuckles] - Yeah, that's where it is.

- Oh, no, no, man, stop! Stop! - [gasps] Oh!

- Oh, that's a picture of my son's diaper.

He's just having a bit of a gastric, you know...thing.

[whimsical music playing]

- UROLOGIST: So, you're here of your own volition?

- Yes. Are you?

On a Saturday? [chuckles]

- So you wore two pairs of underwear

and you shaved your testes?

- JAMES: Yes. - Uh-huh.

- I'm more nervous than I thought.

- Oh, you're going to be fine.

Hop on up there, boss.

- Okay. - Oh, lower the sails.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay.

Oh, right, Uh, yeah.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Sorry, I shoulda--shoulda--okay.

Hmm.

Go...

- [chuckles] Okay.

So, the Leafs, they are looking spectacular this year.

I'm just gonna apply a little freezing...

- [gasps] I'm j--more of a baseball man, so...

Here we go. Just relax. - JAMES: Yeah.

[knocks on door]

- Mr. Bernie... - UROLOGIST: Uh...

- Your car is parked too close to another vehicle

and they can't get out.

- You're supposed to park between the lines, pal.

- [stammers] But that's something

I could take care of later.

- I can re-park it for you. - Mm-hmm.

But my keys are in my pocket. - Okay, don't.

I'll get 'em. I got 'em. - Yeah...

- UROLOGIST: [exhales] [grunts] Well... [chuckles]

Gonna check the other side here.

Let me try over here.

There we go. - Thank you.

- Now, where were we?

- Yeah. [exhales]

- Can you feel me pinching your scrotum?

- No?

- How about if I do this? - Do what?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Great. Here we go.

Just relax.

- Yeah.

What--so, what-- what is the recovery like? Can you tell me?

- You must rest for forty-eight hours,

so no strenuous activity, wink-wink.

[laughs] - Mm-hmm.

- Don't have sex and masturbate.

- [laughs weakly]

- Don't have sex or masturbate.

- JAMES: No-- - UROLOGIST: Okay.

- Yeah, I'm--I'm just going to plop myself down on the couch,

watch Shape of Water. - Oh, nice.

Revisiting a modern classic.

- Well, I haven't seen it actually.

- Oh, everybody's seen it.

[scats]

- Have you had this procedure done?

- [stammers] Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, yeah, it's not for me.

[whistles]

[scatting]

[whimsical music playing]

- Are we eating those for dinner?

- No, these are just for Daddy's crotch.

There's no reason why we shouldn't eat them,

but I understand why we won't.

- Do you have to sit on that forever?

- Uh, this?

No, no, buddy, I'm going to be fine.

Don't--don't worry.

- I'm not worried.

I'm doing a speech on your surgery for English class.

- Okay. Do you, uh, need any information?

- No, I'm okay.

- Yeah, okay. Just say whatever you want.

Listen, I want to talk to you about something. Okay?

I need you to take over some of Daddy's responsibilities

for the next couple of days.

Like locking the door,

uh, making sure that the lights are off

when no one's using them.

- Why me?

- Because you're the oldest, buddy.

You're like the captain of the children.

[inhales] That comes with a little responsibility,

but also some privileges, so...

- I can stay up until midnight.

- No, let's bring it down.

But you can borrow Daddy's headphones

and listen to stories.

- Yes! Deal. - Deal.

[clicks tongue]

- Morris is still sleeping.

- Yeah. Okay. Well, he'll wake up eventually.

Also, his name is Andrew.

- That's your opinion.

- Oof! - Dad!

- ASTRID: Whoa, whoa, whoa! - No, no, it's fine.

[grunts] It's fine. - What happened?

- It's--it's... I just got-- I got hit in the peas.

- Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.

My--I think I have to call Dr. Ponytail.

I can feel my vas deferens reaching for each other.

- Okay. Okay, kids, why don't we grab our jackets?

We'll go to Gero's. - JAMES: It's fine, it's fine...

- Let's let Daddy rest his vegetables.

- VIV: Aw.

- Come on.

Let's go.

[Andrew cries over speaker]

[grunts]

[exhales]

[sighs]

- VIV: I'm hungry.

- Yeah, it's hard to be hungry in a room full of food.

Felix, can you go get the eggs and the bread

so we can hurry up and get out of here?

- Sure. What kind of eggs?

- I don't know. Surprise me.

- Can we buy this?

- No, we're going to get you

some food with some food in it, okay?

- Please, please, please? I've never had this wonderful cereal.

- No, Viv.

- Please. I want it!

- I'm not doing a temper tantrum today. Okay?

Put it back so we can get what we need.

- No! - Viv, no. No, no, no.

I'm gonna leave. Bye, Viv. - VIV: Who cares?

- Bye.

- Mommy!

[groans] Mommy, come!

- Sample the latest from Saskatche-wine?

- Mm. Booze and a pun. I'm listening.

- We have "Moosejaw Merlot" or "Regina Riesling."

- Okay. Yeah.

- Oh, taking both. Okay. One per customer but...

- VIV: Mom!

Mom!

Come right now!

- Astrid?

- VIV: Mommy! - Hi.

Jean-Luc.

- We shop at the same place.

- [chuckles] - That's dope.

Oat milk! - VIV: I want to buy this!

- Uh, how was your husband's surgery?

- Oh... Also dope. Thank you. - VIV: Mom! [shrieks]

- Man, kids go wild at this place.

"Screaming in aisle one," right?

- You left me.

- Viv! Don't run off on me like that.

- MAN: [over PA] Attention Gero's shoppers:

Could Astrid Berney please come to the front to get her son.

He's frightened.

- BO: Dawn is right here.

- Oh, my God.

- DAWN: Hello, Astrid.

- Did you cut your hair?

- It's a light therapy mask. It's super normal, Astrid.

You should try it.

And some ice serum.

Sit.

- ASTRID: [sighs] Um...

when you went back to work after having Corey,

did everyone treat you like this...

boring, messy mom? - DAWN: Of course not.

People at work don't even know about Corey.

I went on mat leave and told everyone I was in Hong Kong.

- I just kind of got off

to an awkward start with people at work.

And I...

I want them to know that I'm fun and like, part of the team,

but without putting any time or effort in.

- Socializing is the only way to have a more cohesive work group.

You need to put in the face time.

- I don't need face advice from you.

Actually, they did invite me out tonight.

And I want to look cool and not by accident.

- DAWN: You're fantastic just the way you are.

Oh.

[sighs]

But I will lend you a business casual jumpsuit so you'll pop.

And some eye serum.

- SINGER: ♪ Control, alt, and delete 'em ♪

[upbeat music playing]

- ASTRID: Getting ready for a night out used to be a fun ritual.

You put on your pregame tunes.

You change your outfit a couple of times.

You drink with your friends.

Sometimes it was the most fun part of the night.

When you're a parent,

you cram all the getting ready into a five-minute window

while deciding if you should cancel.

You show up early because the earlier you get there,

the earlier you can go home and collapse.

- SINGER: ♪ Actin' up like I dressed up for you, baby ♪

- ASTRID: Unfortunately, you can't leave before anyone else gets there.

- SINGER: ♪ So walk it back ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't here for that ♪

♪ Just walk it back ♪

♪ Gonna control, alt, and delete 'em ♪

♪ I came here for the music ♪

♪ He said, she said... ♪

- Hey, I'd like to get you a drink.

- [scoffs] I'm married.

- Okay, but are you going to order something?

Do you want to hear the specials?

- Do you work here? - Yes.

- Um, but your approach is pretty casual.

- Thanks. I get off at midnight.

- Wow. Um, I'm not interested.

- So you have until midnight? Order a drink from me?

- How do I reserve that table for six?

- You just sit there until your friends arrive.

- Okay. This has been a one-star interaction.

- SINGER: ♪ Control, alt, and delete 'em ♪

- [grunts]

[groans]

Wait.

[sniffs]

Oh, f...

[straining]

Oh!

- MAN: [over headphones] The weirdest thing about Magnetar

was that if they got too close...

- Oh! - MAN: ...it would rip the electrons

from every atom in his body. Burned into spacedome...

- Yeah! - [indistinct chatter over headphones]

[doorknob rattling]

- Felix?!

Felix!

Viv?!

Vivian?!

[groans]

[upbeat music playing]

- Do you mind if we take this table?

There's a bunch of us.

- Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of us, too.

They're just on the way.

We'll just all be-- we'll all be here.

Sorry.

I-I'm texting them.

Any idea how long you'll be?

Why did I drink so much water?

Mine, mine, mine.

Mine.

- JAMES: Parenting involves a lot of physical pain.

- ASTRID: The most painful part being childbirth.

- JAMES: Uh, sure, yeah, no, it's not a pain competition--

- ASTRID: No, because giving birth is the clear winner.

- JAMES: Well, what about the pain of getting a vasectomy

and then exerting yourself, which hurts a lot,

and maybe causes your vas deferens to reconnect?

- ASTRID: James, that's not true.

- JAMES: Well, It hurts.

Raising kids hurts.

[upbeat music playing]

- WOMAN: Oh, my God, yeah. [laughs]

- Uh, no, no, no. No, no. Excuse me.

You can't do that because I was holding

the table for, like, an hour.

- We know, but it's, like, her birthday.

- ASTRID: No, no.

- BUBBLEGUM: Hell, yeah. Hi! - Oh!

- Hi.

- Oh, my God.

Hi. - [Bubblegum chuckles]

- JAMES: Vivian! - [window thuds]

- [Vivian laughs] - JAMES: Felix?!

[grunts]

Viv?

Andrew?

[grunts] [groans] [pants]

[groaning]

[squeaking]

[siren wails]

- Oh, no.

- Where's our table? - [laughs]

I had a table.

I had it for an hour, but then I had to go to the bathroom.

- I actually know the birthday girl-- I'll talk to her.

- He knows a lot of people. He has a lot of followers. Insta.

- Yes. She does not remember me.

- Oh... - [Astrid sighs]

Let me fix this. I can fix this.

[exhales]

Ooh! Hey, ladies.

- What is she doing? - ASTRID: Check this out.

- No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't. Come on.

- BUBBLEGUM: Is she showing them photos of her kids right now?

- JEAN-LUC: No, she wouldn't. - You wanna see that?

- JEAN-LUC: She did! - What about you? You wanna see that?

- JEAN-LUC: Oh! Oh! - Okay. Oh, my God.

- Yeah. Bye bye! Bye bye! Bye bye!

- Oh, my God, that was amazing! - Oh, my dear.

Did you show them the--oh! Okay. Yup, you did.

- Yes, I'll put this away. Let's order.

- Okay. - Hi!

- ASTRID: Being a parent can be humiliating.

You can't maintain your cool image

when you're pulling a doll's shoe out of a kid's nose.

- JAMES: Yes, that's why it's important to have nights out

where you reconnect with other adults.

- ASTRID: Where if someone spills something,

you don't have to clean it up.

But honestly, dignity is overrated.

And letting go of it can make you feel very powerful.

- JAMES: Nor at least at peace with looking dumb.

- ASTRID: Powerful, James. Powerful.

- JAMES: Hey, if accepting constant blows to the ego is powerful,

we are surely God.

- Oh, my God. That's the lady with the picture.

- Happy birthday.

- [laughs]

- OFFICER: It's just as wrong to hold your heart captive

as it is to keep a fish monster in a lab.

We're all monsters in one way or another.

- Yup, yup, yup. Listen, you saw my ID.

You know I live here. We're cool, right?

Okay. All right.

- Sup. Someone die?

- Uh, someone reported a break in

and described your husband here.

Um, he is your husband, right?

- He sure is. [munching]

- Anyway, I look forward to finishing The Shape of Water

and starting it actually. - It'd be a crime if you didn't.

- Mm. - And take it easy.

- In my experience, it takes two weeks to be one hundred percent.

But you did the right thing for you and your family.

- JAMES: Hey, thank you. - OFFICER: Mm-hmm.

- [grunts]

- I hear this is good. - Yeah. Modern classic.

- SINGER: ♪ I love my kids, but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids, but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping and I got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh-- ♪