Original subtitles

[Astrid] Night, Felix.

-A'ight, my love. I am out.

-[Astrid] Whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

We're about to finish Season Two of Breaking Bad.

-We finished Season Two last night.

-Did we? -[James] Yeah.

Remember the plane crash and the freaky teddy bear?

I teared up and told you I loved you.

-Oh, yeah. That was so nice.

Where are you going? -Fantasy baseball.

-Ugh!

-I told you, this is the pre-draft drink night.

-Wait, pre-dra--? It's not even the real thing.

And did you just hang out with Brian?

-Bumped into him at a gas station?

Okay. Is everything all right, my love?

What's the problem?

-[sighs]

I'm jealous, you see, because I am here sanitizing soothers,

and you're off living your wildest fantasies.

-If I were living my wildest fantasies,

I'd be friends with a wolf.

-Interesting. -Mm-hmm.

-Didn't we used to take turns going out?

-That is true. But then you just kind of stop taking your turn.

Which, to be fair, feels like a you problem

more than a me problem.

-Why can't you not just feel bad for me?

-Mm-hmm.

You're right. You should go. You should go.

We're not even making picks tonight.

You should get out of here. -Aren't you the league...?

I want to say Dungeon Master.

-Close. Co-commissioner, with Ennis, who will be there.

Also, I'm not wearing my commissioner suit,

which is like, ugh, Ennis is gonna make a whole thing--

Go. Get out of here.

♪

-Okay. -Yeah?

-All right. -There she is.

-I'm gonna go out! -One leg.

Oh, she's off the couch. Now she's doing something.

-I'm gonna go out. -[James] Oh, there she is.

Oh, we're on the tippy toes.

-Yeah, well, I'm wearing heels.

-[James] Listen, I feel you. You're gonna-- You get it, girl.

-[Astrid] Yeah. Gonna go...

-Say hello to Dawn and Bo for me.

-Uh, no losers! [laughs] Not them.

I'm gonna hit up my party people and, uh...

Hit the Danger Zone.

-The--the...?

-Danger. -Okay, I can infer a few things.

-Danger Zone. -[James] None of them...

-Here I come. -[James] Okay. Oh! The--

-Danger Zone. -[James] Uh-oh!

The frog from Looney Tunes. Okay.

♪

This batch is key lime pie flavored kombucha.

Okay.

Mm.

All the fun of pie. All the taste of dirt.

-I knew it. Your sister said you wouldn't like it, but I knew.

-[laughs] Well, thank you so much for this.

This was a well-needed shot of fun.

-You have to leave by eight. -It's Thursday.

We do intimacy check-ins on Thursday.

-Oh, come on, guys.

This was-- this was my big night out.

-Is something wrong?

-No, it's just...

Are you still in touch with your high school friends?

[scoffs] You know I didn't have any friends.

-Weren't you in band?

-I tried to be, but the band kids wouldn't have me.

-Well, I've lost touch with everyone.

At least James has his fantasy friends.

-Gross. -No, she means fantasy sports.

-Oh! Gross.

-Yeah. James and Ennis have had this

baseball pool since college.

-Mm. -Oh, um...

Bo. -Mm-hmm?

-Bo, would you leave us for a moment?

-Sure. -Thank you.

In Bo's CEO days, he was very competitive

with the senior management team.

They did all the fantasy sporting games.

Bo, the guy who wouldn't come curling with us

because of all the yelling? -Yeah.

-Astrid, would you wish James good luck for me, please?

-[clears throat] -Okay. Yeah, if I remember.

All right. Later, losers. I'm out of here.

This town is about to be...

painted red.

-Oh, if you're seeing Mom, could you give her the SCOBY?

-Honey, hi.

Come in. Join us. -Hi!

Brought you some slime for gross drinking vinegar.

Nice sun hat.

-Ladies, this is my daughter, Astrid.

These are my fellow red hats from our little society.

We're a playgroup for women over 50

who are just looking to hang and chill.

-How nice. Yeah, the hats. Wow, very cool. Very cool.

Um, Mom, listen, I just came by because

I wanted to take you out for a nice mother-daughter

glass of vino, [chuckles]

but I--I see you're very busy.

-Yeah, very busy. Yeah, not a good time.

-Okay.

-Okay. Bye.

♪

-[Astrid] Hi. -Hi.

-Will you be my friend?

-Is this a friends with benefits situation?

-Yes. -Mm.

-It's also friends with shared debt,

massive responsibility, and love situation.

-Okay, well, that sounds pretty good.

I'm in. -Okay.

It's 9:15. Did you party too fast, too furious?

-Mm. I made goo with my sister

and almost joined my mom's coven.

-Mm. -You?

-I tried to make up for years of negligence

as a fantasy team owner.

-You should have Bo help you. -Mm, should I?

I just got my strategizing interrupted

when Viv had her Red Ghost nightmare again,

-I'm starting to have the Red Ghost nightmare.

Is our house haunted? -Here's the thing.

We could move to a bigger, less expensive,

less haunted house. Huh?

I sent you some of those things.

-You know, maybe we should move.

I don't know anyone here anymore.

All my school friends moved away.

My work friends moved on when I had Viv.

The lady at the pharmacy is nice, but that is no friendship.

Um, there are millions of people

in the city, and you-- I mean, this...

Super rad.

-I know I am. -[indistinct]

-I just want to meet people. You know, it's so hard.

I just want to hang out with people who get me

and who've, like, been through it with me.

-Yes, I-- Lucky I work with Ennis. It keeps us close.

-So he's not going to be mad

that you bailed on him last minute tonight?

-No, we're totally fine.

-[Ennis] You suck, Mr. No-Show.

Canceling via text at the last minute.

What am I, a dentist appointment?

-Sorry, family stuff came up.

-[scoffs] You missed a fun social event.

-Mm-hmm. -[laughs]

-Seems like it. Were you there?

-Oh, yeah. Unlike a certain deadbeat co-commissioner,

Marla joined the fun.

-Oh, I didn't know you like fantasy sports.

-Oh, I like fantasy everything.

-Wheel of Time, The Witcher,

- Mm-hmm. -Succession.

-Well, Succession is not really fantasy.

-Oh, it is to me.

-Oh! -[laughs]

-I'm partaking in more office camaraderie,

water cooler talk, funny emails.

-Cool. -I might even have lunch.

Hey, should I get another drink ticket?

-[both laugh]

-[Ennis] Oh, man.

-I need the social media plan on my desk

by three p.m., Beth. Chop chop.

-[groans]

-[sighs]

-Hey, you know how every year we wear commissioner suits?

Wouldn't be funny this year we wore something like,

um, jeans and golf shirts.

-You lost the suit.

-Yeah, but I'm pretty sure it's in my basement

or shed, trunk or garbage.

-Well, the good news is we can all help you look for it

because the draft is happening at your house.

-What? No. But I have a baby and kids

and, I don't know, probably pink eye.

-You need to start picking up the slack,

or the only thing we're going to be drafting

is a co-commissioner article of impeachment.

-Now we outlawed impeachment to protect ourselves.

What about Marla's place?

-You'll never know where I live, but we could do it here.

I'll even bring my six-layer dip.

Ooh. Maybe even seven.

♪

-Did you invite her last night? -I did not.

-[dog barks] -[children playing]

[Astrid] Keeping your children alive leaves

a lot less time for meeting up with old pals.

So you have to keep in touch

on your socials. At least check in.

Maybe just send an HBD once a year.

Or creep your friends who have moved on

and realize you desperately need someone to hang out with.

IRL.

-Mommy. -[Astrid] Hi.

-I'm hungry. -[Astrid] Ah.

I forgot to bring snacks.

-I have snacks.

If you want.

-Thank you. -There you go, honey.

I mean, it's all sugar, but what can you do?

Cooper, what did I say about poking in the eye?

Ashley Lynn, kick him back.

But not in the eye!

-He backed right off those eyes. -Oh, yeah.

-[chuckles]

Looks like our kids really get along.

They share a certain dua de viv.

-You French?

-Oh. [laughs]

No. I mean, I've traveled a lot, so, kind of.

But also, no.

Hey, I don't know if you guys have plans,

or if you'd even want to, but, um,

would you ever want to hang out?

-Yeah, I'd love to.

-Okay. -[both laugh]

-I feel terrible. I actually don't even know your name.

-It's Rachel. -Oh. I'm Astrid.

-Whoa! [laughs] Weird name. I like it.

-It, uh, kind of means "beautiful god."

-Cooper, what did I tell you about the eye?

♪

-Bo? James is here.

-James, join me. It's calming.

-Can I just say that I love this?

Your friendship is growing.

-Yeah. Exciting.

-Honey, we need the room. We're going to talk dude stuff.

-Oh, well, don't let me interrupt your bro-down.

Just, um... use coasters.

-[both growl]

-[chuckles]

-Wives, am I right?

Hey, have you ever done reiki?

-Never thought about it.

Listen, pally pal, I just was, um,

I have a quick question.

I got this fantasy baseball draft,

and my work this Saturday...

-It's kind of you to invite me, James, but I can't.

-Uh--

Personal reasons. -Oh, no. That's...

too bad.

Anyway, my scouting has been off the last couple of years,

and, you know, since you can't make it,

I was just wondering

if you could maybe give me a couple of pointers.

-I shouldn't.

But if you're dancing with the devil

and I'm merely the choreographer,

what harm is there, hmm?

-Uh, I was not fully aware of what appears

to be a very dark history.

-It's fine. I mean, [evil chuckle] let's do this.

-What is happening?

-Who wants [indistinct]?

-Send me a list of unavailable keepers

and number of teams and I'll mock-draft you a winner.

Now go. James has got to go.

-Yeah, I gotta go.

I'm supposed to be with Felix playing,

but only within our limits and for fun.

-Totally.

-Okay.

[dogs barking]

-[Rachel] Calm down, you beasts!

Kids, in the basement.

And, dogs, put it there. Let's go. Bup-bup!

Out, out, out, out, out. Everyone, down!

-I found an earbud. -Yeah.

Dynasty actually swallowed the other one.

Unfortunately, it'll pass... if the 5G doesn't get her first.

[laughs] Am I right?

-Yeah.

-Mm. Where's this? -[dogs continue barking]

-That is the Cayman Islands. -Oh.

-Yeah. I met him backpacking, and we just kind of

got caught up in this whole [inhales] scheme.

[clears throat]

-Like a pyramid scheme?

-Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

-Ah.

Yeah, I--I actually used to travel a lot, too, but...

you know, when the kids get too much, I sort of just--

-Ponzi! It was a Ponzi scheme.

That's what it was. -[Viv] Mommy, look!

-Wow, that doll is very empowered.

-It's a Hoochie Kid.

Dynasty has all of 'em.

-Mom, Mom. It's another lost puppy.

-Oh. Hi. Yup.

[dogs barking outside]

-I'll be there. Yeah. Okay, bye.

Listen, I'm part of this pet rescue team.

Do you maybe want to come save a puppy with me?

-Oh, my God, I would love that so much.

-[laughs] Okay, let's do it!

Mm-mm!

-She's gonna bring that. Okay.

♪

Is it cold in here? Because I'm feeling a draft.

[Andrew fusses]

-You know, that joke might have gone over

if you were on time and you were wearing your suit.

Oh, but you brought your kids.

-Yeah, I... didn't have a choice.

It was either this or leaving them home alone.

[Andrew fusses]

-Bo?

-James. Felix, Andrew?

-Yeah, Bo showed up. On time, I might add.

-I couldn't resist. I'm here with my own picks.

Don't tell Dawn. She thinks I'm out for a light jog.

-Attention. Welcome to the draft.

Uh, the food is from Gero's upcoming

in-house brand of groceries, Baggie's Buys.

Now, please fill out a feedback form within 48 hours.

-Is that why there's plain rice and canned peaches?

-I also brought a six-layer dip.

Used to be seven, but a layer fell through

and I don't want to talk about it.

-Hey, we could call that the James layer, huh?

-Let's play ball. -Yeah!

[Andrew fusses]

-He usually loves the rattle.

-Okay, Bo, it's up to you.

You got two left. We're back to the second round.

-Mm. Starling Marte and Jazz Chisholm Jr.

-Whoa. Getting all the steals off the board.

All right. Marla, you're up.

-Biggio, Cotto, Tapio.

-Okay, just one name.

-I know what I'm saying.

-I'm gonna go with Byron Buxton.

-[laughs] Buxton, dude? No.

-That's a [bleep] pick. -What?

Sorry. You [bleep] hard.

[laughs]

-Hey, hey, can we, like, you know, just slow the roll

on the swears and the harsh name-calling

because of, uh, kids? -[Andrew cries]

-Beth, how about a drink ticket?

[laughs]

-[awkward chuckle]

Where is the line with this joke?

-By the way, if you were taking Ohtani,

he's a pitcher or a hitter.

Can't... both--

What is that smell? -Oh.

-I think it's Beth's last pick.

-[James] It's a blowout. He pooped-- he pooped it.

It's coming out the diaper.

Just gotta pop out real quick. -Shall we wait?

-Yeah, that'd be great please. Thank you.

-Let me finish. Wait until James changes the diaper

to kick him out? -[all laugh]

-[Bo] Hear, hear, Marla.

-[kids] Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!

-Puppy? -Puppy?

Should we have brought your other kids?

-Oh, my--my neighbor and I have something worked out.

[chuckles]

-[Astrid] Viv, do not touch that!

-I just wanted a closer look.

-Just go look for the puppy.

-[dog barks] -[Astrid] God!

-You know, last time I wanted a closer look,

I got a UTI. And antibiotics don't work.

-No, I--I think they do.

-[gasps] Mommy! We found the puppy!

-Oh. Okay.

-At least he's not hungry.

-Come here, puppy! -Kids, kids!

-Dyna-- Dynasty! -[Viv] Come here!

-[Astrid] Stop! -Come here, puppy!

-Vivian! Hey! -Dynasty!

-Yeah!

♪

-Oh! -No, no, no, no!

Stay in the elevator!

-Come on. -[elevator dings]

-Okay. Um, stairs.

-Right.

-[Astrid] Kids?

-[Andrew coos] -Yeah!

-[baby talk]

-Hey, just FYI, uh,

Felix drafted Tyler Flowers, I don't know.

-What? Tyler Flowers retired.

He sucked before he was retired.

-Yeah, it's weird. I wonder who told him to do that.

-[chuckles] You're trying to sabotage my team?

-Oh, like you care.

Your team has been trash for years.

You got injured guys in your starting lineup all year.

You never accept trade offers or even respond to them.

You're an absentee team manager and a bad commissioner.

-[inhales] There's only so much time I have to invest.

I mean, baseball seasons come and go.

Kids are kind of forever.

-What, are you trying to make me feel bad for you?

-No, I'm just saying I'm a father first,

co-commissioner second.

Husband. Husband second.

Husband tied for first, then employee,

then guy who really digs the RKLS thing.

The co-commissioner.

-Is friend in there anywhere?

-Yes, friend is abs-- yes,

very close to up in the top, for sure.

-Okay, I get it. I'll tell you what.

Why don't we both lose our co-commissioner suits

and that can just fly solo on this.

-Don't-- Ennis.

-If you try the food, you have to fill out the forms.

Tell your friends.

♪

-[Ennis] Okay, where were we?

-Nothing here! -All clear!

-Viv! If you could hear me, stay where you are!

[Viv] We're near the blue car!

Blue car. Blue car. We're looking for a blue car.

-[Rachel] Blue car. Blue car...

No blue car here.

Dynasty, if you get hit by a car,

Don't come crying to me.

I love you, Viv!

Stay calm! -We love you, girls!

[Viv] We're naming the puppy... Brixie!

-Her voice sounds like it's coming from everywhere, I--

-Wait, wait. Wait.

Your earbud. Dynasty swallowed your--your earbud.

Can you track it on your phone?

-Hell, yes. I do it every damn day.

Okay, let's go.

Uh... here...

Okay...

Here...

-[gasps] -Oh, gosh.

-[Viv] Hi, Mommy.

-[Astrid] They're okay. They're okay.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Did the puppy eat the pizza slice?

-No, I did.

-Okay.

That's fine. Let's go.

-Let's go. -Okay.

Come here, honey.

-Okay, where were we?

-Felix is picking for everyone. It's chaos.

He took all pitchers, and now I have to

rethink my whole strategy.

-Well, that's because you're all a bunch of sheep

who can't even function without your commissioner,

-[scoffs]

Without your co-commissioners.

-What are you doing? -You're right, Ennis.

Even if I keep sucking, and even if I'm a bad player,

I can still be a good commissioner.

-Good co-commissioner.

-Felix, you're in charge of Andrew.

Bo, you're in charge of Felix.

Ennis, you be the pants, I'll be the jacket.

-[Andrew coos]

-Transaction approved.

Yeah. -Yeah, that's how we do.

-All right, all right. -[sighs]

-But how come you can say suck, but I can't?

That's [bleep]. -[chuckles]

[shushes]

We've taught him some things before.

It was funny at the time.

-Honestly, I think you sound more mature when you swear.

And I like you better.

-Ignoring it for now. Let's draft.

♪

-How do you find time be a parent and rescue dogs?

Like, I shower with wipes to save ten minutes.

-I grew up in a quiet home.

I was an only child.

I always wanted, like, a big family

and a house full of life.

Doomsday, right?

But I love it.

-Yeah, I love it, too.

-Hey! Come on!

-Stop it!

-You're so annoying! Can you just stop?!

-Cooper! Hey! Stop that.

Viv? You can hit him back when he does that.

-Uh, no, Viv, she's joking.

It's so funny. You can't do that.

-[Rachel laughs] -Stop it!

-Stop it! I told you!

-Am I? Cooper!

-What are you doing?

-Oh, uh, [indistinct] and his [indistinct]

We're roasting him on the message board.

And I'm present. Phone's going away. Hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Rachel seems fun. -[Astrid] Oh, yeah, she's fun.

-Mm. [laughs]

-So whose turn is it to go out with their friends?

-Um, well, technically, you took the last two turns, so...

it would be my turn.

-But I'm so behind on turns.

-Mm. Or we could both take a turn,

and we just go out together.

-Mm-hmm.

Really milking this friends with benefits thing.

-Always. Whenever.

-Mom. Dad. [grunts]

-You okay, kid?

-No, I banged my knee to [bleep].

-W-what! What just-- What happened?

-What happened? Okay, so I think what happened is he learned

a couple of things at draft.

I'm gonna--

Why don't I just check on him real quick?

[grunts] Let's check this knee.

[Astrid] When you become a parent,

your circle of friends shrinks.

[James] You end up hanging out with a random collection

of whoever your kids' friends parents are.

- [sighs]

-Dad, guess what? -What's this?

-Tag! You're it! -[grunts]

[Astrid] But among the duds who raise your kids' pals,

you'll find some surprising gems.

[James] Mm-hmm. People who get your schedule

and understand the stains on your clothes.

-Oh, tag, you're it.

-[Astrid] People whose company

you might even enjoy without kids around.

-I got an invite to, um...

It's a yoga class. But there are...

-Go on.

-Farm animals.

-[laughs] -Okay, there's a few goats.

-[goat bleating]

-[Rachel] Um, an alpaca.

[dinging messages]

-Okay, where are we now? Um, ah!

Our disgraced former co-commissioner James.

-For our next pick, we'll be taking...

[silly accent] Royals...

Silver Slugger Cedric Mullins.

-Cool. Okay, Bo, you're up.

-You shoulda taken Teoscar.

-Oh, damn it. You're right.

I got wrapped up in my own showmanship

-Kill or be killed, [bleep] face.

-[laughs]

-Wow. You are a different dude in this context.

[closing theme plays]