Original subtitles

♪♪♪

(Crickets chirp)

- I wanna see a planet. - Yeah,

they're all hidden behind the houses right now, Buddy,

also the light pollution.

That's why we never bring this thing out of the basement.

- Can we spy on someone?

- Yeah, no. Okay, Daddy's gotta beg for his job back tomorrow,

so it's time for bed.

(Door opens, shuts)

Okay, go upstairs.

I'll be right up, I've just gotta...

- Okay. - find my phone.

Astrid: If you live with kids, space is limited.

James: You've got easels, puzzles,

stuffed animals, so many rocks and sticks.

Astrid: It's not like we were neat freaks,

but until we had kids, the couch wasn't a pocket

for crayons and baby carrots.

And when you're pregnant, and your body's expanding,

and you start nesting, there's even less room.

(Line rings, phone rings)

James: The stuff just keeps piling up until you're encased

in your own worldly possessions like a bug in amber.

Astrid: Or you know, until you get rid of some crap

and make room. James: For more crap.

♪♪♪

(Woman coughs)

- Astrid? - Yes.

- So you're pregnant? - Yes!

It's so exciting to finally tell someone that,

besides my husband and kids.

And by accident a guy canvassing for Greenpeace.

- So you have kids already? - Yes.

Yeah, this is my third. - You know the drill.

Just fill in any information that has changed,

and make sure you tick the "advanced maternal age" box.

- Okay. Advanced maternal age. Gotcha.

- It used to be called geriatric pregnancy.

- I said, gotcha.

- I gave you an opportunity to move up in this company,

to get your foot in the management door,

and you quit. - It was an emotional--

- Do you know-I'm not finished. - Hmm.

- Do you know what a betrayal that was?

How insulting you were?!

- I didn't mean to insult--

- And now-I'm not finished. - Mm-hmm.

- And now you want me to take back someone

who clearly has one foot out the door?

No answer. Interesting.

- No, I just didn't want to interrupt.

- I've been taking a keen interest in your career.

I was gonna make you Employee of the Month.

- Oh, is that new?

- You made me look weak.

Gero's is a family business.

But the corporate office is cutthroat.

You piss off the wrong person, you make a bad alliance,

and you are dead.

Do you watch "Game of Thrones?"

- No. - You've read the books?

- No.

- Incest, dragons, hold the door!

None of that means anything to you?

- I've seen all of the "Frozens."

- (Slaps table) Well, this is "Game of Thrones!"

And if I am ever gonna sit on that iron throne

I need loyalty, dedication,

and a little ambition from House James.

- I am ready to commit to being regional manager.

- (Laughs) Regional manager, no, no, no.

That promotion is gone.

Ennis is the regional manager.

- Ennis?

- Ennis, James. Ennis.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Hey! - What the hell?

- Are you back now? Like, for good?

- Yeah, on a three-week probation period

with no promotion!

- Hey, look, there was nothing I could do, all right?

She just started glaring at me all menacingly,

and shaking my hand furiously,

it was a terrifying promotion.

I mean, the money's not bad-- - That's my money!

My promotion! - I know, all right?

I don't know what to tell you! Maybe I have seniority.

- You don't! I got you this job, remember?

Your dad said you had to stop DJing

or he'd cut off your inheritance!

- Okay, only one person ever told me to stop DJing,

and that was the janitor at The Velvet Underground.

- And the DJ at my wedding. - Don't be mad at me!

You stormed out of here,

you said you didn't wanna be a lifer.

I was really proud of you. What changed?

- Mm-just-mm.

Stuff.

- Well, did you see this, at least?

"Of the Month," they gave me.

(Dog barks in the distance)

- Oh, Felix! Remember? These used to fit you!

- This is a jail for bad spaceships.

- Oh my God, Viv, remember this?

This was your favorite!

No, but that's for teething, and you have all your teeth.

- They're gonna fall out again.

It's mine.

- Hello, hi! Kids: Daddy!

- Yay!

Yeah, there it is! Rrrrr!

- Looks like you have bad news.

- Mm-hmm, yeah, I got my job back.

- Well, look on the bright side, we can afford to eat,

and have shoes. - Hey guys, you know what?

I think I saw a big orange cat in the backyard

when I pulled in, I don't-- - (Gasps) Fuzzbutt!

Come on, Viv! - Coming!

(Keys clink) - You know,

I wish the kids were one tenth as excited

about this new baby as they are Fuzzbutt.

- Oh, cats are like celebrities to kids.

It's like Timothy Shalloway's out there eating our flowers.

- No, Viv asked how long the baby was staying,

and then she asked if we could recycle it.

- Those are normal questions.

- Hey, do you like the name Sadie?

- Yeah, it's good. Have you seen my laptop?

I think I had it under here.

(Loud crack) Aah! God! Mother F--

(Clatters) Oh! Okay! Okay! Okay. Oh!

Oh! Okay. Ah!

Ah! What--

(Rattling)

(Winces) Okay. Okay, okay.

- You okay? - Mm-hmm.

Um, we need to do a purge.

- Hmm, you wanna kill our neighbors?

- No, I--some of them.

But we need to get rid of half of this stuff.

And I think our kids will understand

if we just explain to them that they don't have a choice.

- All right.

I wish you the very best of luck with that.

♪♪♪

Daddy and I have called this family meeting

to discuss the baby.

- How's a family meeting different from just talking?

- It's more formal. It's like, fancier.

- I wanna be fancy!

So as you both know we're going to Nanima's tomorrow,

and I just want to remind you, the baby is still a secret.

- Can I tell Uncle Bo?

- No, no, no, a secret means you can't tell anybody.

- What if they ask?

- People don't just randomly ask if you're pregnant,

so just uh, don't mention anything at all.

- I will just tell them you're not having a baby.

- Okay, nobody mention anything about babies.

- Okay, item number two--

- If they ask me about a baby,

I will just kill them.

- Item number two, if you look around,

you can see lots of stuff.

and we're so fortunate to have this much stuff,

but it's too much stuff, and that's called clutter.

And when people live in clutter,

they start to feel clutter on the inside,

and it kinda makes them go nuts.

So-mm, I'm gonna- you know what? I'm gonna take that back.

Nuts is not a kind word.

A lot of people have mental health issues,

it doesn't make them nuts. They're normal.

Normal people, you know what, that's not a great word either,

because normal, what is that, right?

- James. - So-hmm?

Yes, no. My point is we need fewer things in this house.

So the word of the day is decluttering.

- Decluttering. - Adorable.

So what I want you guys to do is I want you to think

about all the things and toys that we can donate

or more likely throw away.

- No! - Why?

- All right, listen, you're getting a new brother

or sister, it's exciting, right?

So we just need to clear away some stuff for the baby.

- I don't want a baby. I want my stuff!

- Forget about the baby!

Guys, if you just go to your room tomorrow

and pick out stuff that you barely use,

then I'll take you for milkshakes.

Both: Yay!

- Hey, um... - Mm-hmm?

- Don't tell the kids to forget the baby.

- Yeah, good note.

(Dishes and utensils clank)

- Oh, sorry about breakfast. It looked so good on Pinterest!

- You did a great job.

Just more time in the oven, less salt,

and smaller portions, and you have a winner.

- Okay, Dawn, are you gonna fire Mom now?

- I loved the pancake tacos, Nisha.

- I do have another surprise for my beautiful family.

Especially my little bitoos!

(All laugh) - Hey.

- Ah! Ah! Ah! - Oh, sorry, Corey!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Oh gee, um...

go ahead, Nisha.

- Well, I have been very sneaky these last few months.

Sneaking around like a communist spy!

- If it's the elevated toilet seat, we all know about it.

- No, no, no, this is even better.

I am taking you all to a very magical place...

- The Mojave Desert?

- Disneyworld!

(All gasp and shout) - What?!

- Ohh! (Laughs) - Yeaaah!

- Oh! Remember those movies we let you watch

at Nathan's house? - No.

- You're gonna get to meet all those characters!

(All shouts and cheers)

- Mom, Mom, how are you doing this?

- Okay, you remember my friend Michaela who got bit

by all the bullet ants in the Honduras?

All: Yes. Of course. Yeah. Yes.

- Well, she's letting me use her condo in Florida

while her brother has spinal surgery!

(All cheer)

It's in December, so I hope you don't have any plans.

- Oh. Wait, wait, wait.

Um, okay, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, so we have an announcement.

Um, we have plans because uh, we're having a baby.

- A... - Oh!

- Actually, we're not having a baby.

- It's okay, Buddy. - No--

- What, in December?

- Yeah, that's when I'm due, so, well, we can't go.

- Well, the kids don't care to see a birth.

It's gross. Bo and Dawn can take them.

- Oh yeah-- - Oh! I-I wish.

But Corey's already a handful. - I am?

- Then when you add the rides, and ice cream,

and so much fun, it's... it's too much.

- Um no, they're gonna want to stay and meet

their new brother or sister. - No, we won't.

- Uh, okay, listen guys, we're not going,

but as a family.

- I hate the baby. I hate it forever!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- Can I help you put your friends to bed?

- These are coffins.

- Viv, you know, you're getting so big right now,

there's tons of stuff in this room that you've outgrown.

Hey!

- Stop giving all my stuff to the dumb baby!

- I'm not giving your stuff to the dumb ba--

the baby.

- You want to make my room for the baby.

- No, I want to make room for the baby,

not your room.

Viv, I know this is a big change.

There's gonna be lots of changes as you grow up.

You're starting kindergarten next year, can you believe it?

- Yes.

- Well, you're gonna be a big kid and a big sister.

- I'm gonna sit on the baby like Felix sits on me.

- Well, you know, being a big sister

is more than just about sitting on people.

- No, it isn't.

(Car rumbles)

(Brakes squeak)

(Engine shuts off)

- Is this like, a graveyard for stuff?

- Ah, you're thinking of a dump.

This is more like a stuff orphanage,

where people come by and they adopt our old things.

- Why would people want our old stuff?

- Well, we got good stuff. Besides, you know,

we have too much stuff, some people don't have enough. Hmm?

- You guys dropping off?

- Uh, yeah. Real quickly,

our whole lives we're bombarded with advertisements

that play on our fears to get us to buy stuff we don't need.

But we're too smart for them.

Hey, behold, Blackbeard's treasure.

- We can't take CDs, no one listens to them.

- What? No. Can I tell you something? You sound insane.

You're telling me no one wants to listen to Bran Van 3000?

Or Collective Soul?

The "Batman Forever" soundtrack?

Melt your heart, bro! - Sorry man, it's the format.

Nobody can play these.

- You don't get to be sorry for-- I'm the one

who's sorry for you for not knowing how quickly

you're gonna sell Len, or Savage Garden.

- Are those even real bands? - Are they wha--

Are they what?! What are you saying?

- Dad, can I have this sword?

- Uh yeah, just give me one second, Buddy.

You're telling me you don't know Len.

Len? Len! "Steal My Sunshine."

(Singing) ♪ Weesh-bop! Weesh-ba-ba-bap! ♪

That's Canadian history, my bro!

- I think Canadian history is more about exploitation

and white supremacy.

- Wow! Not wrong.

But also, Len rocked!

- Well, this telescope's pretty awesome,

we could definitely take that. - Yeah, okay.

Felix, come here for a sec. I want you to see this.

I'm making sacrifices, too.

We're gonna donate this telescope,

so that a less fortunate family can give it a good home.

Okay? If Mr. Man over here will take our two boxes of CDs.

- Okay, but I'm just going to throw them in the garbage.

- Yeah.

Both: ♪ I know it's up for me ♪

- ♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪

Both: ♪ Making sure I'm not in too deep ♪

- ♪ If you steal my sunshine ♪

♪ Keeping versed and on my feet ♪

- Hey, don't tell you sister about the milkshakes, okay?

And don't tell your Mom about the sword.

♪♪♪

(Door shuts)

- Look who's here.

- Hi Dawn, sorry to bust in like this.

- I love surprise visitors. - Except squirrels.

Which kept getting into our ceiling last summer.

- Mm, Bo had to trap them, and I had to drown them.

Hi, Viv! - Hi, Dawn Auntie.

- Viv, Corey is at a friend's,

but you're welcome to play with his toys.

- Oh! Go on.

Astrid: You can become so accustomed to your own mess,

you forget to notice just how disgusting your home is.

Until you set foot in a house

that's actually well maintained.

And when you think about everything you'd have to do

to turn your place around, the words, "fire,"

and "insurance" come to mind.

James: Astrid brought us this!

- No, I have no use for a used soda machine.

- What? You don't know that, how do you know that?

Maybe you need that in your life,

you just don't know it yet.

Maybe-maybe you love this thing like crazy.

Maybe you find yourself in the kitchen staring at it

at 3 a.m. thinking, thank God for you!

- Hey, is this about the appliance or the baby?

Don't be upset, come on. Come on. (Pats couch)

We are thrilled about the baby. - Uh-huh.

- And you're growing your family, a sign of prosperity.

James quit his job and had to beg for it back.

- Okay, but we are here for you.

And from the moment that baby is born--

- Ahem! Magical Kingdom. - Yes. We'll be in Florida.

But no matter where I am, I already love this kid.

- Well, I wish Viv felt the same way,

she wants the baby to sleep outside.

- The baby isn't replacing her, but giving her a new role

as a big sister, tell her that.

- Yeah, she's not hearing that. - Hmm.

- Anyway, do you have that little desk that Dad made me?

- The one I took the summer you were at band camp,

and I skipped the sixth grade? - Mm-hmm.

- You can have it back. - Thanks.

And I can take back the SodaStream if you want--

- No, we'll keep it.

I know it's foolish, but I've grown attached

to this little thing.

- Ohh!

(Birds chirp)

- Why can't I hold it?

- Swords are weapons, they're dangerous.

You can have it when you're 11.

- Where is it?

- Forget about that old boring sword, Buddy.

Come on, help your Dad sort these fun books.

(Door opens) - Hey.

Bo's coming over later to drop something off,

Will you help him bring it out of the car?

- Wait, what? - It's a desk.

It was mine when I was little.

- It's in the mud room behind the washer.

- Yes!

- Why are we bringing furniture in?

- Oh, it's for Viv. Yeah,

I just thought it would help her with her anti-baby stance.

- I'm trying to purge the house of some stuff.

It's like I'm in a slow avalanche!

- Yeah, I thought...

I thought we were purging to make room for the baby.

- No, yeah, that... too,

also, just not only that.

It's like...

(Overwhelmed groan)

- So I've been trying to get the kids excited for this,

I didn't realize I had to get you excited, too.

- You don't.

- You haven't been coming up with any names,

you haven't been researching healthy pregnancy diets,

like you did last time.

You said Swiss chard smoothies tasted like shirts.

- Yeah, but I love that you made those.

I want another kid with you

because I love parenting with you.

- I love that, too.

But...

- But what?

- I just didn't think it was gonna happen.

- (Sighs)

(Low hum of chatter) - Thank you.

James, would like a breakfast sandwich from my Caesar?

- I'm good with my coffee, thank you.

- Okay. I'm not really that hungry.

- Astrid and I are having another baby.

- Congratulations?

You were taking control of your life,

like Saoirse Ronan in "Little Women."

And now, just like I said they would,

your children are running your life. And for what?!

- A family? - (Scoffs)

- This is the face you make, to me, I'm sitting here.

- (Slaps hands) I ordered some pancakes for the table.

And a pitcher of mimosa.

- Thank you, Marla.

- Oh, don't thank me, thank the Board members

of a certain rival grocery giant

that were just implicated in an animal cruelty scandal.

- Ah, I see, so this is-- we're celebrating.

- We're doing business, but we're also bonding.

Pancakes and mimosas and laughing at our enemies

as they try to find a positive spin for what happened

to all those horses.

- (Echoing) What happened?

(Voices fade) Marla: I've got your back...

♪♪♪

(Snaps fingers) James!

- Yeah, no, uh, yes, I-I've-

everyone's backs are safe with me. It's- yep.

- That's- I feel comforted. Right?

That is comforting.

Although I am happy to stab other people in the back

if that's what you want, Marla,

I mean, I-I'm new, but I'll give it a try.

- No, but there will be other opportunities.

Someone will stick their neck out for an out-of-favor V.P.,

or hang themselves with a poorly worded email,

and we will be there in the chaos, waiting.

- That sounds good.

- Oh, I have dodgeball on Wednesdays,

I don't know if that's a conflict,

but I should probably... (taps) put that down now.

(Birds chirp)

♪♪♪

- You look like such a big kid at that desk.

You'll be able to do so many projects there.

- What projects?

- Well, you could...

make a drawing to welcome the baby.

- Okay, where is the baby?

- Right now, it's right in here.

It's the size of a blueberry.

- Can the baby hear me?

- Mm, the ears don't actually develop until--

- You can play with my old toys,

only if you say "please!"

- (Laughs) Okay.

That's so sweet. Thank you.

- Can we name the baby "Horse?"

- "Horse." Hmm,

I'll add that to the list.

- You have to stay out of my room, Horse.

- Okay, well, we haven't quite settled on "Horse" yet,

but here's an idea,

why don't you and Felix make your own list of baby names?

- Yes! Thanks, Mommy!

♪♪♪

(Birds chirp)

Viv: Hey! - I got dinner.

Felix: Come on, please! Viv: Stay here!

(Felix and Viv giggle)

- What if we named the baby, "Truckbutt?"

- How about we name the baby, "Pffffft!"

- (Laughs) That's so funny. What if we named it...

♪ My love must be a kind of blind love ♪

(Felix and Viv laugh and shout)

♪ I can't see anyone but you ♪

- No, how about we name the baby, "Booger Boss?"

(Felix and Viv giggle)

Astrid: Becoming a parent means letting some of who are go.

James: You have to make room for the destructive,

half-functioning little weirdos you're raising.

That can be hard. How much of you can you let go

before you're not really you anymore?

Astrid: Because as much space as you make,

they fill it. With screaming, and heartache,

and a million little pieces of plastic, yes.

But also with joy.

And love. And screaming.

But the happy kind.

All right, ready?

James: Here we go. - I'm gonna eat this!

- That's your guy? This guy?

- Okay, let's do it.

- Ready to eat?

(Crickets chirp) (Recycling rattles and clanks)

(Dog barks in the distance)

(Horn honks in the distance)

(Crickets chirp)

♪♪♪

(Footsteps thud)

(Container thuds)

- (Sighs) - Mm!

Are you ready for this?

- No!

But I wasn't ready for Felix or Viv, either.

- Mm-hmm.

- Now I don't know what I'd do without 'em.

- You'd sleep more.

- Yes, I would sleep more.

♪♪♪

(Loud crash, clatter)

(Dog barks in the distance)

- Rock, Paper, Scissors? - Yeah, two out of three?

- Yeah. - Okay.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪