Original subtitles

♪♪♪

(Crickets chirp, dog barks, muted music plays)

(Phone buttons click)

(Message alert sounds)

(Music plays softly)

- God, the houses in P.E.I. are so cheap.

- Hmm - We should move there.

- What is that, like, "Anne of Green Gables?"

I can't live like that. - I think it's modern now.

- Mmm... ah, I can't risk it.

(Cell phone buzzes)

- (Laughs) - Oh, what do you got?

- Felix and Viv locked themselves

in my Mom's bathroom.

"Not our problem tonight, Mother!"

- Yeah. Yeah! It's not our problem.

What are we doing on our phones?

We've got wine, we've got each other,

it's only 9:30. - Mmm!

- Mm...

- Get ready for the night of your--

(James snores loudly)

(Crickets chirp)

(Loud piercing beep)

Both: (Waking groans)

- Is that a car alarm? Who would steal our car?

- It's a bad car! (Beeping continues)

Is that the...

is that the carbon monoxide detector?

- (Gasps)

(Firefighter radios chatter)

(Machine hums)

- Nice! Who's the stargazer?

- Oh yeah, that would be me.

- Ha! You check out that Saturn Jupiter conjunction last year?

- Oh! No! I-I... but I'll definitely get the next one.

- Ah, maybe. It's in 60 years.

- Well, it was-it's on YouTube, I'm sure, so.

- You got a lot of towels over there by the furnace.

- Oh, well, that explains the carbon monoxide.

- No, that's just a straight-up fire hazard.

- Like your house is perfect? - What's that?

- Hmm? - Shh! Shh!

- Oh okay, so your leak is coming from your water heater,

which I assume came with the house?

- Yeah, we're also assuming that. - Sure.

- Well, that has to be replaced ASAP.

- Now, how ASAP is ASAP? - Yeah, we got a roof issue

that's been ASAP for years.

- And while we're ASAP-ing things, I'd love a skylight

in the mud room. (All laugh)

- I'd say pretty ASAP, if that alarm hadn't gone off,

you both would've been dead by morning.

♪♪♪

Hey! Who likes to fish? That's a fun hobby.

(Alcohol pours) - You want one of these?

- No, I'm fine. I'm totally fine.

Astrid: Before kids, we never thought about death.

Too busy living. James: We could take risks

like speeding or eating day-old sushi.

Astrid: I used to walk through High Park alone, at night,

with headphones on.

James: Now the riskiest thing I do is jaywalk,

or pet a dog I don't know, because we have to stay alive.

Astrid: And we have to keep our kids alive.

James: Ohh! Astrid: Which isn't easy.

Because the Venn Diagram of things that exist

and things that can hurt your kids is just a circle.

- Poisoned by gas, that's...

uh, is there a more embarrassing way to die?

- Oh, so you wanna die in a cool way,

like a volcano or drowning with Harry Styles?

- How are you so calm? Our house is attacking us!

We almost died! - No, we didn't.

- I cut my finger on the mailbox the other day,

it could've been my throat, the house is trying to kill us!

- Okay.

I'm gonna go let the bed smother me to sleep.

We have kids again tomorrow.

♪♪♪

(Birds chirp)

(Explosions and crash on TV) Cartoon Character: My bad!

(Door shuts) - Hi! - Hello!

- Oh, hello, come in!

The kids have been absolute angels.

- Thank you so much. Mom! Really?!

Marshmallows out of the bag?

- Treats are allowed at Nanima's house.

Those are the rules. - It's ten in the morning. Hi!

- Mommy! - Daddy!

James: Big hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Yeah!

- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! - Mm, I love you.

- Hi! Oh my goodness. Wow, what's all this?

- Nanima said I look beautiful.

- Well, you're always beautiful and smart.

And impressionable. - Oh, pffft!

Why don't you guys go see if there's marshmallows

in the cushions?

So what'd you two do last night?

Just give a wink if it was R-rated. (Click tongue)

- Mom, no, nothing, it was quiet, very quiet.

We watched a movie, we went to bed.

- Almost got smothered to death by a carbon monoxide leak.

- Are you kidding- really?! - What?!

- Well, people should know! We need to warn people

about being poisoned! - Oh my God!

Well, did you find the source? - It's fine,

we just needed a new water heater.

- Oh, well, you are lucky to be alive.

You can never be too careful.

I had a friend who died from falling down.

- What?!

- Yeah, the mere distance from her head to the floor

was enough to kill her dead. - Please tell me she was tall.

- Five one. - Oh my...

- Don't worry, if you two drop dead, I will happily...

- Mom! - step up and raise the cuties!

- Thank you. That means a lot.

We cannot leave our kids with Nisha when we-- if we die!

- Can you stop talking about this?

We're gonna be so old, we're gonna be disgusting.

We're gonna be dragging our skin around, throwing it

over our shoulders, and high fiving our great-grandkids!

- Oh my God, you're freaking out too!

- All right, I'm freaking out, okay?

Here it is! I'm freaking out, are you happy?

- No! We just need a plan.

- All right, fine, when I die,

would you just put me in an urn, like Rhubarb.

- Like...

Okay, we need a plan for the people we leave behind.

Rhubarb didn't have a- you know, mortgage or kids.

- (Sighs) Oh God, he would've been such a great dad.

- We need a legal guardian so that my last thought isn't,

should I take the kids with me, or...

- All right, fine, we'll do it, we'll talk about it.

We'll decide. And once we have,

we're never talking about death again!

- Agreed!

So who are these lucky bastards who inherit our kids?

- But I can never get used to the jet lag going to Singapore.

I had to fire an entire marketing team

on essentially no sleep.

James and Astrid: Ohh! - It's okay.

Slept like a baby on the way back.

Pods in first class, quite comfy.

- Hmm.

Anyway, um, so there-there's actually a reason

that James and I asked you both over tonight.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, we were talking about

what great parents you are. - And Aunt and Uncle.

- Yeah, uh, amazing, so good, in fact--

- Such good work. - That...

we want--do you wanna... - Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- We would like you to be Felix and Viv's legal guardians.

You know, if anything ever happens.

- Um... yeah,

I mean, that's a big...

o-kay?

- Well, yeah, uh...

- It's okay? - Mm-hmm!

- You know, if it's too much of a hassle,

we can just drop our kids off at the State or the dark web.

- Oh God no! We love Felix and Viv.

We would absolutely take care of them

if something happened to you.

- I would take a bullet for either of them.

- Would you? Take a bullet from who, Dawn?

If James and I die, it's not gonna involve the mob!

- It's comforting to know how you won't die.

I've always known that my death won't involve stones.

- You sure?!

- Uh, will you take our children?

- Of course we would take them. It's just...

two more kids, plus Corey, there's a lot to consider.

Have you put savings aside?

- Are you asking me how much they're worth?

- No! But there are practical financial realities

attached to dying, you know, Astrid.

- Uh, doi! Yeah, thanks, Dawn, I do know, thanks!

Relax, we're not about to dine and dash on life!

- Here's the deal, we're fairly solvent.

We own almost an eighth of this house.

- Plus a car!

- Plus a car that's not a great car, but... snow tires.

- It's got snow tires.

- Um, do you have life insurance

and RESPs for the kids? - Pfft!

Obviously, Bo, we're not animals!

- (Chokes) - Oh! Oh my God!

Are you okay? - Don't look, don't look.

- Wrong pipe, wrong pipe. (Snorts, gasps)

- We are animals. - No, no, we're not.

I mean, yeah, technically we are, but not the bad kinds,

like muskrats, or... oh! Have you ever seen a hagfish?

We just need life insurance.

- Why, so we can get back to my sister with a sexier offer?!

- And we can start living. Like, truly living.

- What does that mean?

- Well, you know, like, travel. You know,

discovering new places. - Oh, you wanna be a colonizer.

- I could leave my job for a year.

- Or forever, because you hate your job?

- Oh, we could go to India, we'd take the kids to India,

start a farm, maybe. Like, learn to farm,

and then start a-- - What is happening?

Is this a cute little preview of your mid-life crisis?

- I... I...

You know, I just-is this the best life we could be living,

or just the safest?

(Floorboards creak)

- Hey. - Hey Pal, you just lurkin'?

- I had a nightmare. - Yeah.

- Okay.

- So did your Daddy, and he's not even asleep.

♪♪♪

- What were you guys talking about?

- Oh, nothing.

- Why does Daddy wanna be a farmer?

- He doesn't, he hates fertilizer.

Okay, you have one more question and then sleep, okay?

- Okay.

What happens when you die?

- (Takes a deep breath)

(Laughs)

- Do you still have birthdays?

- Well, you don't really get older,

so there's not really any point.

Okay, sleep time, all right?

- Can you tell when it's going to be your last birthday ever?

- Um...

No one- no one really knows when it's gonna be

their last birthday.

And you only get one life.

And when that's over, it's...

it's over forever.

Which is just one more reason

to make every birthday special.

To make every day special.

- Do worms pee?

- Are you kidding me?

I just gave you like, a great answer.

You need to go to sleep now, okay?

- Good night. - Good night.

♪♪♪

(Light buzzes loudly)

♪♪♪

(Photocopier whirs)

(Stapler clicks loudly)

(Repeated stapling clicks)

(Phone rings, copier whirs)

(Stapler clicks loudly)

(Heartbeat thuds)

Ennis: James? James!

You okay? - Huh? Yeah.

No, I'm, I'm okay, why?

- Well, we can't both not be working, it's too conspicuous.

We could trade off if you want, or you could just go back

to working all the time, I'd prefer that one.

- (Sighs heavily)

- Okay, we need all hands on deck

for what I can only describe as a crisis.

- Okay, well, what is it?

- Kiwis.

Our California supplier is experiencing a kiwi shortage

due to a root fungus plague.

- Oh, yeah, I've had that before.

- And because we're not one of the big chains,

they're icing us out. - What about another supplier?

- We can't afford to offend our regular supplier

by going somewhere else for a one-off. It's too risky!

- Dammit! It really doesn't sound like there's anything

we could do about it.

- We will get kiwis into our store, so help me God, Ennis!

- Well, we're not the ones taking the risk, Marla,

our suppliers need us more than we need them.

- I don't usually like to be contradicted, James,

but it sounds like you want to exploit someone's weakness.

- Oh yeah, he can be ruthless.

One time when we were roommates,

he used fruit flies' love of fruit against them

to devastating effect, it was a slaughter.

- (Claps) Okay!

We're gonna go with James' new supplier plan,

and I will try and keep the Board at bay with emails.

- This is the crisis?

There's people in the world with not enough food,

and we're worried about... fruit salad in Burlington.

- Yeah, it's stupid that we have to work.

And kiwis are the ones that look like dinosaur eggs, right?

♪♪♪

(Children laugh and shout playfully)

Astrid: Hey, Viv! Be careful with the-the fingers.

Okay?

So, any plans for the weekend?

- Oh, probably just sleep in,

catch up on reality shows.

(Yells) Cooper, I swear to Christ,

slow the F down!

Drink a bottle of wine or two.

- Oh, it's a weekend without the kids, then, huh?

- Pssh! I wish!

Dynasty, don't eat dirt!

What about you? - Oh, not much.

Um, can I ask you a question?

Do you-do you have life insurance?

I'm not selling it, I'm just curious.

- Uh-Ashley Lynn Mercedes get your hands out of your pants!

God! Who has time for life insurance?

- Oh, I can't tell you, I'm so happy to hear you say that.

Because I've been feeling like such a loser for not having it.

- Oh my gosh, please!

Life is busy enough.

And what, now we have all these baking videos,

you know, making us feel like shit because we can't bake

a cake that looks like a bag of Doritos?!

- Yes, preach it. - Yeah, and everyone is

just like... "get a family doctor,"

"get their ears tested," "get them vaccinated,

wear a mask," and on, and on, and on, and...

- I mean, you should,

you should probably get them vaccinated.

- I mean, who knows what to believe anymore?

Plus two out of four are vaccinated.

- Okay, so you're just hedging your bets on immunity.

- Yes, exactly, thank you.

You get it. We're the same.

- Okay. - Cooper!

Cooper, do not touch that dead squirrel!

(Running footsteps thud)

♪♪♪

James: Well, we got a new water heater.

Wanna rock, paper, scissors

to see who gets the first hot shower?

- No, I'll just go first. - Hmm.

- I found an insurance company. - Oh, that's great.

Takes the pressure off of uh, you know, staying alive.

- Yeah, they're gonna send someone over to give us

an assessment this weekend, so the healthier we are,

the lower the premiums. - We're healthy, look at us.

- Well, we drink.

And when was the last time you smoked?

- Weed's legal now, and also it was like, half a joint

a month ago, also, it was hash, I think.

- You smoked hash? Where?

- The-at the Settlers of Catan night with the boys.

- Okay, well, that will cost us thousands of dollars a year.

If they find out.

- Ohh!

Oh hey, I don't uh--oh.

Oh yeah, come on in, you're the insurance lady?

- Sorry, hi, yes, I'm June.

No. Sorry. I'm Jenn. (Laughs)

Oh jeez, I-I lost one. - It's okay, it's all right.

I just, I forgot you were coming, actually.

I totally did, and I was about to do my 10K,

but it's all right. I'll just- I'll do it-I'll do 20 tomorrow.

- Yeah. What does the "K" stand for?

- Hey, look who it is. Jenn, this is my wife, Astrid.

- Hi! - Hello.

- She's the smoothie-head. - Oh!

(Laughs) Hi, hi.

Honey, quick question, what would you like for dinner,

quinoa or spelt? - Oh, spelt.

Just saying the word makes my mouth water. Spelt.

Felix: Mom, where are the gummy worms?

- At the store where we left 'em!

(Laughs) Where do they get this? So ew!

- It's not at this...

Jenn: Okay, so I'm gonna ask you some standard

health questions. Uh, don't be nervous, just be honest.

- What, people actually lie on these things,

that is so unnecessary. - James, stop.

- Okay, do either of you smoke?

- No. - Never.

- Okay. And do you drink?

- A glass of wine or two with dinner.

- Maybe just on the weekends. - I mean, just like, not even--

- Sure.

- Always with food, a lot. - Always with food. Yeah.

- I mean, we try to balance so it's-yeah.

- Rarely. - Just not a big fan.

- Rarely. Love a pun. Absolutely.

How often do you exercise? - Three to five times a week.

- Okay.

Um, what about marijuana consumption?

- Gross. - Really not a fan.

- Okay, you know what? You guys are so healthy.

- Oh! - Oh, I don't--

- Us! You're kidding.

- This is you saving a dead person.

- Oh, aren't you just the sweetest!

Thank you.

- And this is a picture of a ghost trying to eat a pizza.

But his ghost mouth keeps going through it.

- Oh my goodness, you know,

I can barely draw my own name most days, thank you!

All right, you're ideal customers.

Honestly, I wish my life was half as together as yours,

but it's not.

Okay, because I made some mistakes about seven years ago.

So once we complete your physical exam,

I'll get out of your hair. Both: Physical?

- Of course. - Oh crap.

We thought the exam was more like a, like a written test.

- (Laughs)

Well, hey, it's as you said, you guys are healthy.

These tests, they're just gonna prove that.

- (Groans)

Oh.

♪♪♪

- Hi.

- James and I have opened RESPs for the kids,

which we will contribute to regularly.

- How? Wonderful.

- We are also getting life insurance which covers

everything except skydiving accidents, and acts of war.

If, however, and this is important,

we get murdered by you or Bo, you will get nothing.

- Bo wouldn't hurt a fly.

- Are my kids good enough for you now, Dawn?

- Bo and I were always happy to take them, always,

we just had some money questions, that's all.

Three kids is a lot of kids. - No, it isn't.

It's not unmanageable, people do it.

- Three of anything is too much.

Two cars is reasonable, three is pure vanity.

Two beers is a nice drive home, three, potential manslaughter.

Two bananas is a lot-- - Two examples is enough,

three is carrying on a bit.

Look, just so you know, James and I would be happy

to take Corey if anything ever happened to you or Bo,

no questions asked.

- No, if anything happens to us,

Corey is gonna live with Bo's brother.

- What?

- Well, Trevor has the cottage, he's well-off,

and has no heirs. - Wow.

All right, if you guys die after we both die,

Trevor takes our kids, too. Checkmate!

♪♪♪

- (Sighs)

(Birds chirp)

(Phones ring, low hum of chatter)

- Mmm!

- The burgers just got here...

- You guys got burgers? - (Clapping)

- Hey! - We're celebrating.

Today was a thrilling, challenging, magical day.

- So the guy I called is gonna sell us some kiwis?

- Cute little hairy apples.

- And we terminated our agreement

with the old supplier-- a message to the produce world

that we will not be screwed with!

- No, no, no, no! A new supplier in Chile

means a way larger carbon footprint.

- As unfortunate as that is,

the environment doesn't sit on the Board.

And the Board is impressed by you.

- Great. - It is great,

because they've agreed to make you...

regional manager of the new franchises.

- Hey! Hey, come on. (Both applaud)

Now he's not my boss now, right, we're still equals?

- You and I are gonna be here for a long time, James.

I've got big plans for us!

- You should have a celebration burger!

Don't hide from me! Come on!

(Heartbeat thuds)

(Thuds speed up)

♪♪♪

- Hey, James.

- I don't want it.

- Okay, well they have a non-meat option, I think,

if that's what you're-- - I can't do this anymore.

I can't be a lifer here. I quit.

(Sighs deeply)

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm just gonna go.

(Car rumbles to a halt)

(Brakes squeal)

(Engine shuts off)

♪♪♪

(Keys jingle)

(Door opens, shuts)

Astrid: Being a parent means taking on a lot of stress.

You worry about their headaches,

you get angry when they use your phone

to take pictures of you sleeping.

James: And the stress takes a toll on your body.

High blood pressure, increased chance of diabetes,

it can take years off your life.

Astrid: The stress might also cause you to make rash,

life-changing decisions without first checking in with your--

James: Yeah, more of a health thing though,

which is why so much of parenting

is about calming down. Astrid: Catching your breath.

And preparing yourself for...

more stress.

- Okay, but check it again.

Well, check both of them.

(Keys jingle)

Check with the pharmacy... (Bag clatters, keys jingle)

- Hey, you're home early, everything okay?

- Yep, it's uh...

(Clears throat) I have huge news.

- Okay, well, it's gonna have to wait.

- Huh. Oh my God, this lady?

- Oh! Sorry about that.

I was worried that I left the front door unlocked,

but really I just left the stove on. (Laughs)

Okay, it's good you're both here.

So there was a little bit of a mix-up

with your bloodwork at the lab.

It could've been anybody's fault.

Mmm! That's from yesterday.

Pretty lumpy. Okay.

Um, all right. So it seems I found out some stuff

that you didn't actually disclose.

You little sneaks! - All right fine, I smoke weed.

I mean, it's not a lot, but it-it's enough.

In fact, I'm gonna smoke a little bit when you leave.

- James.

- No, that's not what it was, but thank you for telling me,

because that's absolutely gonna increase your premiums.

- You bet.

- No, I came to make sure that Astrid really wants

to get insured now.

- Well, no one really wants to get insured, ever,

(Laughs) but what's wrong with now?

- It's just that it'll be cheaper if you do it after.

- After what?

- The baby. Viv: No!

- Oh my God, you didn't know you're pregnant!

- James, we're having a baby.

- I just quit my job.

♪♪♪

(Heartbeats thud)

- I used to fish a lot when I was a kid.

My Dad used to take me to the same fishing hole every summer.

Unfortunately, he stood up in the boat one summer,

and off he went.

And well, we searched for hours, but we never found him.

But we did find his rod.

Now, this rod is a very lucky rod.

Which I have written, "Nature Boy" on the side of.

And that's the kind of rod I take out.

I'll tell you something, you've seen Nature Boy.

I bring it in the truck sometimes, to show off.

Because I feel like just having that rod around

brings back my father, and also brings me luck.

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I've got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh-- ♪