Original subtitles

♪♪♪

(Children shout)

- Right this second! - Whoa!

- Stop! Please! I'm trying to shoot you!

Please! I'm gonna shoot you! - Hey! Whoa, whoa! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Guys, guys! Come on, come on, hey! Ah--

- But Dad!

- Now, it's Felix's birthday, he's gonna shoot you guys.

- Awwww! - Okay, here you go.

- Ow! Ow! - Oops, sorry, sorry.

You're good, you're good. - Follow me upstairs!

- That birthday cake was so good!

- Yes, thanks again for making it.

- It was really sweet that Felix wanted

just his family here.

He has friends at school, doesn't he?

- Yes, Mom, it's his friends party this weekend.

- Another party? Oh, wow!

- Yeah, well, the poor kid lost two birthdays

to the pandemic, so this, this is special.

- Should I get another present? - No, no.

No, one toy gun is enough. (Glass shatters)

And the one thing I asked you not to get.

- I'll get him more bullets, then.

- So um, is Corey coming to the party this weekend?

- He's been saving newspapers and fruit stickers for weeks.

- Oh, that's awesome. Why?

- You know, instead of wrapping paper and scotch tape,

which is choking the planet.

- Well, in that case, shouldn't you not be buying newspapers

anymore as well?

- And stop supporting print media?

Right.

- Hey, we should go.

Corey's still recovering, we don't wanna push him.

- Recovering from what? - No, he was just a little...

just a little sick. - What?!

- It's not Covid, okay? We're all vaccinated.

- You brought him here, sick,

knowing that Felix's party is in two days?!

- It's fine, he's on a natural immune booster.

My own brew, it's like a face mask for your whole body.

- Oh, good, Bo made a potion. My mind's at ease.

- We would've never come here

if we thought there was any chance of getting you all--

- (Coughs) Astrid: Being sick sucks.

But before kids, you could at least focus on healing yourself

with your favorite remedies.

James: Sleep, watch "The Shield," snack, sweat,

spend hours on the toilet, oh, it was glorious.

Astrid: But kids don't care if you're sick.

They need Mummy and Daddy. They want lunch,

and clean underwear, and to scream at you

when you forget that they're pretending to be a horse.

And they're usually the ones making you sick!

They literally grab viruses and put them in their noses.

We used to have time to get to take care of ourselves.

Now...

I have to plan a birthday party today.

(Clatters) Aah! - You're dead!

♪♪♪

- (Coughs)

(Deep, hacking coughs) - Hon, what can I do to help?

You should take it easy today.

- Take it easy? You want me to take it--

Do you have any idea what I have to do?

I have to bake a cake, I have to get decorations,

loot bags, take it easy, huh?! What?

- You know, even if you weren't sick,

that kinda sounds last minute.

Which is why it's so amazing

that you do a killer job every year.

All-- every time.

Which is why I should do it this year.

- No, I'm fine, I'm just...

I just feel a little weak and pukey,

and my bones are cold.

- Well, then, let me do it, Honey.

- (Children scream) - Ow! Oh, my cold bones.

- Viv put Play-Doh down my pants, and said,

it was cow plop, so now I get to do it to her!

- No!

- Viv, stop sneaking things in people's pants!

- Yeah, I had broccoli fall out of my pant leg at work.

That's hard to live down. - Give Viv the Play-Doh.

Viv, put it down your own pants.

There you go, now there's cow plop in Viv's pants,

you're even. - That's not fair, Mom!

(Echoing) Mom! Mom! Mom!

- Did he just call me... Mom?!

Did he call me Mom? - It's okay. Okay.

- Hey, ah, guys? Your Mom-Mom's- Maaah--

Mummy-Wummy's not feeling well.

So just go upstairs and get ready for-let's go, let's go,

put some clothes on.

And hey, bup, bup, bup! What are you doing?

That cow plop stays in those pants until you're all the way

upstairs-- yes! - No!

- I have a question. Who is Mom?

Because I'm Mummy. I'm Mummy.

- I know, Felix is growing up.

The other day he told me I was "being rude!"

- You were checking your phone at the dinner table.

- I know, he was right! He was so grown up about it.

- No, I don't, I don't want him to grow up.

- But it's kind of a disease if he doesn't, Hon.

- (Gasps) What if he doesn't want his "Mom"

to be "Dr. Bad Guy" at the birthday party?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, he absolutely wants Dr. Bad Guy, that's tradition.

But everything else I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get a cake from Roncy Croissants.

- Nope! Brrrr! No, you're not.

Remember Viv's birthday last year?

We asked for a Peppa and they gave us Popeye,

and you for some reason said it was "Summertime Santa."

- It's summer, he shaves the beard, he wears a captain's hat

because it's, like, he's on vacay-- okay.

So I'm not going to call Roncy Croissantsy.

But everything else I'm going to do, I've got this.

- Okay, thank you, I love you. - Mmm!

Sss...

just ah... I love you.

Tssst. Tssst.

- Ready for school, Felix? - I guess so.

- This about the cow plop incident?

- Mm-hmm. - Principles, good for you.

Listen, I want to talk to you about something.

Mummy is feeling a little sick, so, wait for it...

this year Daddy is gonna finish getting your party ready.

Right? Beh-Bewww!

- Mm-kay.

- Okay, so ah, here's what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking streamers, right? I'm thinking balloons.

- No streamers, no balloons.

That's too "little kiddie."

- Oh, you want like, a grown man's birthday party.

- Mm-hmm. Oh, and I can have a unicorn cake?

- Yeah, Buddy, I can do that.

Like, a red unicorn with like,

a big black horn and flames, and body armor?

- Uh, no, a rainbow one.

- Oh. Oh!

I'm, yes. Of course.

Of course you can have a rainbow unicorn, Buddy.

Rainbow unicorns are awesome,

and anybody who thinks they're not is an idiot.

Or dealing with like, an orgy

of toxic masculinity conditioning,

that's their problem, that's not your problem.

- What's orgy?

- Nothing much, what's orgy with you?

- Huh? - Yeah, that's uh,

come on, you're old enough to get these jokes.

Okay, let's go to school, birthday boy's gotta get

to school and talk about something else.

- Okay.

(Wooden blocks banging loudly)

(Wooden blocks bang and clatter)

(Wood clanks loudly)

Viv: ♪ I love blocks! I love blocks! ♪

- Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie!

Can-can you please play with those on the carpet, please?

- Who knows what I'll do. - Cool.

(Thudding, banging)

Eva: Hello! - Oh my God, finally.

- (Shrill scream)

- Mom! What are you doing?!

- Well, I'm here to take Viv, like you asked.

- Why are you dressed like a serial killer's mascot?

- Uh, protecting myself.

I have tickets to see "Hamilton,"

and you know I'm a history buff, so.

- I wanna stay here.

- I put plexiglass around your whole car seat!

It's gonna be like a sterile spaceship.

- Mom, can you just stay here and play with Viv?

- In ground zero? No way!

I have waited so long to see this show.

Remember when I thought I had tickets to see "Hamilton"

in Chicago, but they turned out to be tickets to see

"Chicago" in Hamilton?!

No, horrible. - I want to stay with Mummy.

- All right, it's fine. Mom, it's okay, you can just go.

- Okay, well, yeah, that works for me.

Have a hot bath. - Mm-hmm.

- Get a good sweat, and you'll feel like a million bucks.

Okay, bye! Bye! - Bye!

(Low hum of chatter)

- Yes, hello, I'm still here. Man: Uh, we have one left.

- You do? You have one rainbow unicorn cake left?

- Yep.

- And you're sure it's a unicorn and not like,

an alicorn, or a garbage Pegasus?

- Yeah, no way. - Oh, you are a life-saver!

I am a cake god! Can you hold it for me?

- No, someone's just asked about it now.

- Hmm? What do you mean? No, no! No, no!

What do you mean someone's looking at it, it's mine,

it's my cake, I'm-- - You're not here.

- I'm coming right now, okay! - Well, that--

- Hmm!

- Okay, shit show in the boardroom.

Our avocado supplier just went tits up,

and we need an action plan ASAP or we're effed.

- Uh, Marla? I was gonna pop out for some food real quick.

- This is grocery empire, not a goddamn lunch club!

You eat after we put out this fire!

James?

- (Coughs)

Viv: Be careful, it's hot tea. Hi, Snoopy.

Astrid: A surprising amount of parenting is done

with your ears, it's your keenest sense,

especially when a cold makes your nose stuffed up,

and your eyeballs ache.

(Viv talks quietly, loud crash)

Every noise give you intel.

(Dishes crash) - Uh-oh.

Oh no! Mummy!

I spilled a little bit. I need to wipe this.

(Dishes clatter)

(Toilet paper thumps)

Thank you, Mommy!

- Ahhh...

(Viv playfully chatters)

(Loud crash, clatter)

Astrid: The only thing worse than a crash or screaming...

is dead silence.

- What was that?

Viv?

Viv: I took some chocolate chips, and something broke.

(Crickets chirp)

(Door shuts)

- (Sighs)

- Oh my God. No! No!

You're gonna die on our son's birthday,

and he's gonna grow up so weird!

- You look like a moist zombie.

We need to cancel this birthday party.

- (Sighs) Yeah, you're right.

We can't-we can't do it! Why-we can't do it.

He'll just have-he'll have two birthdays next year.

- Pay it forward, we'll just prepare for two--

we'll-we'll cancel- what else can we cancel?

(Both murmur quietly) - Mom? Dad?

- Hey there, little guy! - Hey, there he is!

There's my special fella. - That's a bit over-the-top.

- I actually do want streamers and balloons at my party.

But camouflage streamers,

and balloons that look like bombs!

- Okay Felix, I'm sorry, Buddy, but...

I just have bad news. We can't do your party--

- Yeah, we can't do them without the camouflage

streamers, and the balloon bombs.

- (Gasps) Yes!

- Ugh! - Cold bones.

(Birds chirp)

♪♪♪

(Astrid coughs loudly) James: Ohhh!

Does oatmeal always look like chunky spit?

- Yeah, that's just the stomach element of the sickness.

But don't worry, there's also a willingness to die element

that really takes the edge off. - Okay.

We have to admit that this party is gonna suck.

We just have to survive. - I don't like our chances.

- Okay, what are we... should we do something, or?

- Yes. Yes. Um... (Clears throat) All right.

Let's divide and conquer.

I'll start the clean-up, you get the birthday cake.

- Mm, right. Um...

the cake thing is gonna take a little bit longer

because I had to use Roncy Croissantsy.

- What?! - I, uh,

your place didn't have unicorn cakes, so I had--

you know, I didn't have a choice.

- That place butchers birthday cakes,

and murders kids' dreams.

It's their literal business model!

Felix: Can I have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast?

- (Whimpers)

- I was hoping he'd wake up sick so we could just cancel.

- I was hoping the same thing.

And that's why we make such a good team.

- Mm! (Loud stomach gurgle)

Sorry.

Ohhh...

(Streetcar bell dings)

(James coughs)

- Yeah, you can't be in here if you're sick.

- No, no, I'm not- (coughs) I'm just, I'm a smoker,

and I just smoked a whole pack of big cigarettes.

- Ewww!

- (Coughs) What'd you say it would cost?

- $42.75. - Okay.

I wonder what kind of milk and sugar and flour you're using.

- Yeah, and I wonder what kind of payment you'll be using.

- You know what, can I just see the cake real quick?

Just to make sure that it's a unicorn, you know,

and not like, an alicorn, or a stupid Pegasus.

- Sure. (Sighs)

- That's a goddamn wizard.

- Louie! You messed up again! Louie: What?!

- I need a cake, but I refuse to pay for this.

- Anyone in here want a wizard cake?

- What color is it? - No! I- I'm gonna--

it's fine, I'm gonna take it, it's fine, I'm gonna--

it's my cake, it's my cake, sorry.

Can you just-is-- can you fix it?

- How? - I don't know,

you're the guy who... mmm!

Make it like...

unicorn.

- (Coughs)

(Sniffles)

(Sniffles) - Mom?

- Yeah? - What does orgy mean?

- Um-what, Sweetie? What, hmm?

- What's orgy mean? - Okay, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Um, it's when a- it- mm...

it's when a group of people

who are-who are close together physically, just...

have a special and fun time.

- Okay. - Yeah.

James: I'm home!

- All right, go get ready for your party,

I want- (gurgles) I want you look cute for your--

(retches) for your special day.

(Sniffles)

Is that the cake?

Did we pull this off?

- (Thuds) Not quite.

(Box lid clatters)

- Oh my God!

What happened to that unicorn? Bath salts?

- These ding-dongs gave us a wizard.

- This is why we don't use Roncy Croissantsy!

- I made 'em fix it.

I paid-I paid extra. - You paid extra for this?!

- I promised Felix a unicorn cake,

and I didn't want him to think that anything was wrong

with asking for a unicorn cake,

and now I'm understanding the emotional labor

that goes into planning these birthday parties,

and thank you, thank you, thank you for doing it every time.

- Well, that's nice.

(Sighs) I don't-- - Okay, this is--

- Oh my God, this doesn't feel good.

- I feel atrocious.

- Oh Honey, you feel atrocious?

(Viv sobs, James groans) - Oh no, she's burning up.

- Okay. Um...

take Viv upstairs, I'm gonna wipe down every surface.

- Okay. Okay, all right, let's go, come on.

(Viv coughs, doorbell rings)

- (Gasps) They're here?

(Door creaks open) Oh, hey, guys!

- Hey! - Come on in.

Early bird gets the uh... - Ohh!

- Wow, wrapped in newspaper.

I don't know whether to read it or throw it out!

I'm just joking, this is really great.

Up top-- - Ow! - James!

- He doesn't know what this means? Okay.

Sorry, Corey. - Now, is Astrid okay?

- Uh, yeah, why? Why do you ask?

- She requested the recipe to Bo's immune booster.

- Oh, you know what, that's-- she's trying to find

the secret ingredient to your husband's witch juice.

(Sniffles)

- You know, the insinuation that Bo is a witch

simply because he accepts health practices from a large

swath of cultures is incredibly ignorant, James.

- Come on, that stuff doesn't really work,

I mean, do you even have any on you that I could try?

Like, sarcastically? - Are you okay?

- Yes! I'm... tip-top.

- You look undead.

- Dracula was undead,

and he was the most amazing person in the world.

- I'll be back in two hours.

Try not to hurt Corey.

- Mm, you try not to...

forget that I respect you and your husband very much.

- Bye, Corey. Corey: Bye, Mom!

- Remember, no soda! - (Sick groan)

♪♪♪

(Children laugh and shout playfully)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- Hey Felix, come here.

- Yeah? - Hey, everything okay?

You having a good time? - Yeah. Sort of.

- Mm-hmm? - Where's Mum?

Can she do Dr. Bad Guy?

- Absolutely! It might take a few minutes,

and maybe a couple stimulants,

but yes, I have an announcement to make!

I have heard from the Chief of Police

that there is trouble a brewin',

so everybody needs to get their bonk-bats ready,

because Dr. Bad Guy is in the area!

(All cheer) - Yeah!

- I'm gonna murder something!

- Nope, nope, nope, nobody's gonna murder anyone, Corey,

but uh, good energy. I appreciate you, Buddy.

Kids: (Chanting) Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

- What-what-what? Is everything okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, better than okay.

Kids: (Chanting) Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

- They want Dr. Bad Guy?

- No, no, Felix wants Dr. Bad Guy.

- Oh! That- that's so nice!

- He needs his Mommy.

- (Sighs) I can't move.

- No, look, look, look.

You're amazing at pushing through.

- (Whimpers)

- Remember when we drove to B.C.?

and we were supposed to sleep in the car in Saskatchewan,

when I woke up, and you had driven all the way there,

because you didn't like how big the sky was.

- Nobody needs that much sky.

- You conquered a whole province in a night.

You can be Dr. Bad Guy for half an hour.

(Heroic music plays)

(Viv groans) - James, let's do this.

- No, I'm gonna lie down actually,

coming up the stairs was very taxing.

And then I gave a speech and everything, and it was...

(Drum roll)

(Clothes hangers rattle)

♪♪♪

(Lid bangs)

(Rope whooshes, rubber squelches)

♪♪♪

(Heroic fanfare plays)

(James snores)

Kids: (Chanting) Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

- Hmm! Hmm! (Stomach gurgle)

(Retches) (Chanting fades away)

(Running steps thud) Kids: Awww!

(Toilet flushes) - (Breathing hard)

- Are you okay?

- Dr. Bad Guy is totally gonna kill you

and all your friends, he just needs just one moment.

Just-he's got it, just one moment.

- I can be Dr. Bad Guy.

- What?

Oh, Sweetie, no! No, no, no, ohh!

- Here, it's ginger ale.

It'll make your tummy feel better.

I love you, Mummy.

- (Laughs)

- I love you, kiddo.

- Now, if you'll excuse me,

my friends and I are gonna orgy together.

- Nope.

(Retches, vomits)

(Coughs)

Kids: (Chanting) Dr. Bad Guy!

Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

(Kids shouting and laughing)

Astrid: Kids will bring sickness into your house.

Your family will pass the bug around.

James: Like a bottle of schnapps at a bush bash.

Astrid: We had very different high school experiences.

And when it feels like your body is shutting down,

your kids need you to take care of them,

so no rest for you.

James: But as they grow, they need you less and less.

Which is fantastic, but also sad.

Astrid: Hey, no, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Nobody's moving out just yet. (Laughs)

Still wiping butts around here. (Chuckles)

But yeah. Enjoy being needed while you can.

It goes quick.

♪♪♪

(Sirens wail) - Thank you.

- Don't worry about it, Bud.

- Yeah, Corey totally jumped the gun on that 911 call.

I had that napkin fire under control.

We didn't the- ah, ah, you're the real hero.

- Thank you so much.

- Should we go hand out the goodie bags?

- Oh yeah, uh, do you want my help with that, Buddy, or?

- No, I'm okay. - You...

- Hey guys, do you want a goodie bag?

- Maybe this new phase isn't so bad after all.

- Yeah, speak for yourself.

Love you, Felix!

- What happened? Corey!

What happened? Are you okay?

- Mom. - Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhh!

What did you do to my son?!

Oh! Stop! Did he have soda?!

- So it's called kava. K-a-v-a.

- Kava. - Very good.

Now, two tablespoons of Manuka honey.

- That's from an animal? Manuka animal?

- No, no, it's a type of honey. - From the Manu-from a Manuka?

- You can go to the store, you'll see it says Manuka.

- Okay. - Okay, one teaspoon

of goji berry extract. - I mean...

- Not the powder, the extract.

- No, I would never with the powder.

- Extra virgin... coconut oil. - Yep, uh, mm-hmm.

- Okay? - Okay, yep.

That's just an oil from the coconut, I don't--

- Right, and then I would add five peppercorns.

- (Sighs) - Three star of anise.

- I'm not sure we have the star--

- It's a spice, it's dry. It's called star anise.

- Hmm? Sure. - One tablespoon of powdered

reishi mushrooms. - Yep, that's uh, I mean,

okay, if I just take a mushroom and smash it around, then--

- No, no, it's different, reishi mushrooms.

- Well, I can powder a mushroom, I can just--

- Astragalus is also fine if you can't find powdered reishi.

- I've got a wooden spoon, I, I'll figure that part out.

- Okay, not dried mushrooms, it has to be the powdered ones.

- No, I'm just gonna smash random-I get it.

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I've got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh-- ♪