Original subtitles

♪♪

Astrid: The body is a miracle.

You work it, it gets stronger.

You hurt it; it repairs itself.

I launched two babies from this body and I'm still trucking.

Unfortunately, kids' bodies are miracles, too.

- Viv, there's no Jell-O in that box.

It's literally just powder. Viv! Viv!

Get back here!

Astrid: Stronger, tireless miracles.

(Items clatter, panting)

Sure, I still get bursts of activity,

but I wouldn't exactly call it exercise.

- I'm hungry! - I know!

(Cupboard clatters)

Ah! Ow! - What?

- I hurt my neck by turning my head.

- Oh. - (Exhales in pain)

- Can I have some grapes?

Astrid: My body used to be a temple.

Yeah.

Now it's a jungle gym.

(Light knock) - Thanks for stopping by.

- Yeah, no I mean, you sent me a text with a knife emoji

saying I had to. - And you did!

Because you're reliable,

and that's the kind of guy that I want by my side

When the corporate bloodbath begins and a new VP

Rises amid the chaos. Me, obviously.

- Right. I don't love visualizing like,

a bath full of blood. It's just...

- You get a stronger tummy, James.

Gero's Grocery is opening four new franchises.

That means opportunity is afoot

and you are my top guy.

- Oh, okay.

- Which brings me to why you're here.

How you're dressed. - Oh.

- You're dressed like a dad. - Oh, I'm sorry, Marla,

I just had one clean shirt left today

and my son's been making this thing where he mixes butter

with hot chocolate powder for like, a gross bagel spread.

- I don't need the podcast on your life, James.

Next week, there is a groundbreaking

for the newest franchise.

You and your wife are gonna be there to meet Mr. Gero.

- Well, I'm gonna have to check to see

if she can make that but-- - Sure.

Doesn't have to be the real wife, but sure.

- I'm gonna try for my real wife.

- I need him to love you, James.

I need him to see that youngish go-getter that I've described.

- Okay!

I might have to bring my daughter.

- God, no. Kids are career killers.

I want him to think that your only focus is this company.

So, no kids and wear something not so...

(Phone buzzes)

- Okay. Yeah, no, no, I got it.

So uh... (Clears throat)

♪♪

(Items clatter)

Dawn: Astrid?

(Footsteps approach)

Does this shirt look backwards?

- Maybe. Where's the tag? - There isn't one.

- That's stupid. Why'd you buy such a stupid shirt?

- Bo made it for me. - (Laughs)

And that's how it's supposed to look?

- Hang on. (Shirt ruffles)

- Yeah, that still looks backwards.

- I can't go in like this.

Do you have just a plain silk blouse I could borrow?

- Ha, ha!

Um, I have a hooded fleece you can borrow.

- Well, I'm not gonna choose a worse problem.

- Ah. Ugh. - Why are you moving like that?

- I hurt my neck because I'm out of shape.

I didn't realize I was supposed to consult a physician

before turning my head.

- You should book a session with Pascale.

He's the fitness trainer I offer

in all my severance packages. - Oh right,

just because you're letting them go

doesn't mean they need to let themselves go.

- Better they work their frustrations out in a gym

than turn a gun on me or my family.

Hey, Vivian. - Hi.

- Cute bra. - You know what?

I don't need a trainer. Ha. I'm naturally athletic.

I was captain of the field hockey team.

- Because you were a bully. You were all bullies.

- No, I wasn't! I was a beast who could chase people down

and hurt them in ways that seemed like an accident,

within the rules.

- I'm complicit. I cheered at every game.

- Cheered? You screamed like a witch on fire.

- I hate losing.

I'm sending you Pascale's number, just in case.

You know what? Screw it. I'll just own it.

I'll make a joke like, "Hey guys,

didn't you get the memo? It's bizarre shirt day. (Laughs)"

- Hilarious. And then you just fire everybody?

- HR doesn't just fire people. I also resolve conflicts,

enact programs to support and further develop talent.

- Yeah, I do the same thing here,

but also laundry and story time.

- You are amazing. Look at me. Still cheering for you.

But I should go. Today, I am firing someone.

Toodles!

♪♪

(Ball clunking on paddle)

Ennis: Whoa, where's the duffle bag full of bootleg DVDs

that goes with that outfit?

- Why is everyone so offended by my hoodie?

(Ball clunks) - Well, this is supposed to be

a professional environment. - Really?

(Paddle clunks on desk)

- So, what did Marla want?

To show you pictures of her scorpion?

- No, I'm supposed to meet Mr. Gero.

She wants me to stop dressing like a "dad".

- Oh geez! Put the knife down, Marla!

- I am a dad.

- Yeah, but to say that you dress like one,

that is... yeesh.

- There are billions of dads. We don't all dress the same.

- But there's billions of fathers.

You are a dad. With a dad haircut,

and a dad outfit, with dad pockets.

How much stuff have you got in your pockets right now?

- It's regular, it's pockets! I don't know, keys, wallet.

Regular pocket stuff. - Mm-hmm?

- This, look lip balm. Phone. Doll's head.

Pockets are for carrying. What's the problem?

- There's no problem. Dads dress like you.

Cool people dress like me. And Jeff Goldblum.

- When I meet Mr. Gero I will be dressed nice

and have empty pockets. Okay?

I can put together a few nice pieces.

- Pieces? Like what, a cummerbund and a Tilley hat?

- Oh yeah? Well, where do you go to buy clothes

that's so great?

And can you take me there and help me choose them, please?

(Hands tapping on drum)

- Okay, you can watch two episodes of "Scoot McDooby,"

but that's it, okay? Mommy's gonna work out!

- I'm covered in snakes! - Fun. But I need those.

- No! - Viv,

those are my resistance bands. You can use them after me.

- You can use them after me. (Bands snap)

- Fine.

(Mat ruffles)

- Oh, my God! A dead mouse! - Oh, my God! Snakes!

(Kids scream in distance, footsteps approach)

Do I look like a dad to you?

- No, you look like a husband to me

because I don't have those issues.

- Oh, I love how well-adjusted you are. Hello.

- Hi. Um, Felix starts baseball this weekend

and we still haven't paid. - Hmm.

It's also a three mortgage payment month.

- Yeah, and I also wanna hire Dawn's trainer

so I can get strong enough to caber toss Viv

into the neighbour's yard. - Oh, my God,

I also need work clothes.

Let me consult the budget.

Astrid: Money, we used to spend it all on ourselves. So nice.

But kids are crazy expensive.

James: We try to follow a budget, but our selfish kids

want to eat, and take lessons, and have clothes.

Astrid: Then there are surprises

like a raccoon family moves into your roof,

or your car needs a new everything,

so you have to make sacrifices. Be creative and frugal.

Or another great option, go into debt.

- Okay, I think I got it.

We're gonna have to cut cable. - I cut cable months ago.

- Woof, did not notice that, so good call.

How much does it cost to get swole?

- Only a couple sessions, so $150 tops.

- Okay, does Viv need to eat lunch every day?

- Yes. She also asked for a horse.

- For lunch? - To ride!

- Hmm, well I'm a hard no on that.

- Yeah, okay, why don't we put um, your clothes

and the trainer on the credit card and then worry about that

next month. - You know you are a genius.

Thank you credit card! - Right.

Kids, food's ready! Let's eat!

♪♪

(Cash register dings)

Pascale: And four And three. Two more!

- Woo! - And rest.

- Oh, my God! - That's good.

- That's hard! That's hard. I feel it.

I can feel my muscles waking up.

- Yes, because you are a powerful goddess.

- Oh. - The storm is over.

Blue skies are ahead. - That's a bit much, but yeah.

- That was great! I mean, you lost your job

but not your motivation.

- No, no, no, I didn't lose my job, I'm Dawn's sister.

- Oh, that's interesting.

- I have to say, I'm a little self-conscious doing this

in front of all these people. It's like we're busking.

- Don't worry. Everyone's looking at me.

But you are killing it.

Can't believe you've had two kids.

- Oh. Well, I actually feel like I've never loved my body

more than when I was pregnant.

- Oh, well pregnant bodies make me low-key sick,

but you're doin' good! - Okay.

- Let's do squats. - Okay.

- You ready? - Yep.

(Exhaling) - Ooh!

- Yeah, ooh, feel it? - Woo! Oh, no yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I used to play a lot of field hockey.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

- Well then, let's see how far you can push it!

- Okay. - Now gimme some sumo squats.

Spread 'em wide, Mama. Let's go! Let's go!

- Let's go! - You are a powerful goddess.

- Okay. - Uh-huh. Dig deep. Ooh yeah!

- Yeah! - Yeah! Come on!

- Oh, oh no. No, no. Oh, I just peed.

- Then you dug a little too deep.

- Oh, God! Oh.

♪♪

(Computer keys clack)

(Woman moans)

- What? No. - Astrid?

- Yes, come in! (Door shuts)

- I have a plant for you to have.

- No. That's gonna die and then just be a bowl of dirt

that makes me feel guilty. - I'll just leave it here.

Ugh!

So? How are you?

- Good. Yeah, good. Good.

- Pascale told me you peed your pants.

- Could you kindly tell Pascale to shut the hell up?

That was so humiliating for me. - Hey, it's me.

I love you no matter where you pee - pants, toilet,

the parking lot at Canada's Wonderland

when we missed the fireworks. - Oh, my God, yes,

I held my pee for the entire day.

The rollercoaster, the drop tower.

Now I'd probably leak going through the turnstile.

- It's natural. You had two kids.

- The last one left the barn door open

and warped the frame.

- So, do you think this is gonna happen again?

- I dunno. - Oh, my God!

- You could try those cute period underwear.

Like adult pull-ups. - Wow, okay. Thanks, Dawn.

I need you to be supportive right now

and you're telling me to wear a diaper

and refer to my junk as a barn? - I'm sorry. You know what?

Go get checked out. I have this great OB-GYN on Ossington.

She is a pelvic floor specialist.

I'll text you her number. - No!

I don't wanna tell anyone else about this.

I'd like to keep my dignity and just let this quietly haunt me

for the rest of my life.

- She is very good, and if nothing else,

maybe she can put your mind at ease. Hmm?

- Nice purse. Bo's been busy.

- Oh, his Etsy shop is starting to blow up.

Call her. (Footsteps recede)

Love you! (Door creaks open, shuts)

♪♪

Ennis: Als, we can share them, but I want my whole cookie.

- Okay. - Ah.

- Daddy, where are we? - Wha...?

- This is Phase, Felix, it's an upscale men's store.

Normally, someone like you wouldn't be allowed in here

but then again, neither would your father.

- Okay, all these clothes are straight out of the dryer.

Viv: Uncle Ennis, watch.

- Is that good? James, could she not do that before?

- I thought it was great, Wonder Girl!

- Is this good, Uncle Ennis? - Oh, a jump! Nice.

Watch me take this step.

Hey, did you ask them to call me Uncle Ennis

because I do not like it. - What's the matter?

It's adorable! - No, it isn't.

I am not related to any kids and I like that about me.

Saleswoman: Can I help you find something?

James: Yes. No. I don't know.

- Uh, my friend James here

just got out of prison and he is raring to go

and ready to reacclimate into society.

- No, no, I'm not. I'm from society, I was never in jail.

Although, we don't judge the incarcerated. System's broken.

- Can I help you find anything in particular?

- I'm just (clears throat), I'm looking for a nice shirt.

- A little horse. - I'm thirsty.

- Okay.

- Where're you goin'? Okay, let's just put that.

- Hey, do they have to be in here?

- Yes, they have to be. Come on, I need your help.

- I don't have a time machine and a vasectomy gun

so there's only so much I can do

but I can help you with the clothes.

We're looking for something that says professional

but fashion forward.

Something that says I have in no way given up on life.

- Perfect. Let me find you a few items.

- Okay, thank you.

Ooh, what do we think about her, Felix?

- She seems like a nice teenager.

- Solid reprimand.

Oof, that is you are now my favorite, officially.

- Yes. - Viv,

step up your game a little bit. What are you doin' back there?

- Nothing.

♪♪

Doctor: So, you are having pee problems.

Astrid: Yeah, I guess I've had the occasional dribble

if I sneeze hard or I rewatch "Baby Mama".

You know that movie, "Baby Mama"?

- Of course, I know that movie.

- But you know, my youngest is four so I just figured

that all my, all my stuff had snapped back. (Chuckles)

- No. - Okay.

- Alley... oop! - Cold.

- And just relax for me. - Okay.

- I'd like you to try a Kegel for me.

- Okay, sure.

- Go ahead. - I'm doing it.

Am I not doing it? - Let's try this.

When I hold up one finger,

I want you to squeeze your vagina.

When I hold up two fingers, tighten your anus

but not your bum.

Three fingers, contract your urethra. Okay?

- Sure, should I also wiggle my liver and uh,

move my spleen up and down? (Chuckles)

- No. - Okay.

- Nope. Again.

Nope. - Ah...

- Good! - Okay.

- No. Okay. - Oh. Okay.

- Squeeze. - I am! - No.

This feedback is devastating.

- Your pelvic floor continued to atrophy

since your last child.

I'll give you some exercises to do every day, and in time,

you'll regain muscle tone.

- Okay, 'cause well...

'cause we were thinking about maybe having another baby.

- Oh, then it would take a lot of work

to get back to where you are now.

- Right. - Sluggish clenching.

Feeble sphincters.

You need to train every day like an athlete.

- Well, actually, I am an athlete.

Yeah, big field hockey star in high school, so.

(Chuckles)

Do you mind if I just stay here for a few minutes?

It's nice to lie down. - Sure.

(Door clicks open, shuts)

- (Sighs)

♪♪

- What are you...? - I'm doing a Kegel workout.

- Right now? - Yeah, I'm almost done.

I'm supposed to imagine I'm picking up pearls

with my urethra.

- You'd make a heck of a jewel thief.

- Don't make me laugh. What did you do?

- I made a terrible decision and bought work clothes.

- Oh, nice. How much?

- Mm-hmm. (Paper crinkles)

- (Winces)

- Was that a "We're screwed" wince or a really big pearl?

- One just flowed into the other.

- Yeah, I'm gonna return it if that's--

- No, it's fine, we'll just carry a bit more debt.

I'm gonna start work in the fall. We'll buy a yacht.

It'll be great. - Yeah.

(Footsteps thud) But...

how long will you be at work though if...

you know, a baby happens?

- Depends how fast it happens. We could start now.

- Hmm. So you're still in Baby Town.

- I am. Where are you at? - I mean, how can we afford it?

- Well, Pascale said I didn't have to pay him

because he made me piss my pants.

- Okay, that's not the most reliable discount.

- I could make it work.

- It's not just the money, though.

It's just we're finally getting time back for us.

For you to work out, for me to shop better.

- Did you not find something nice for that amount of money?

- I panicked. - What did you get?

- Red pants.

- What? Red?!

- Ennis said they popped. I don't-I don't know what

I'm supposed to like anymore. - Not things that pop.

- I'm just, this is my problem with having another kid.

I love our kids, I just feel like I'm losing myself.

- Um, honestly, well... - Mm-hmm?

- um, you've, you've never been cool.

And I just find it irresistibly adorable.

- You're doing your exercises right now, aren't you?

- You can feel that?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Well, hello there. - Hi, Uncle Ennis.

- I'm not responding to that.

Who is this handsome gentleman? - It's Daddy!

- Uh-huh. Astrid, what do you think?

- Yeah, yeah, I like it. You like look uh,

king of the flight attendants.

- Flight attendants get a lot of ass, so that's good.

- Hey, uh, James, why is your kid here?

- Uh, hi Marla, I have two kids. This one refused to stay

for the sitter but also refused to get dressed.

- Okay, hi, Astrid. - Marla.

- Okay, this is a huge disaster.

Can we just pretend that she is with Ennis?

- Oh, I don't think that's gonna work

Because I don't wanna do that. - This is a mess. Just go home.

Mr. Gero's gonna hate you. Oh, ha ha, speak of the devil.

- Marla, can we start?

My shins are killing me.

- James, meet the man who signs your checks.

- Oh, well the checks are...

we uh... thank you and...

- Just stop. - Hello.

- Yeah. - I've read emails about you.

- James is our top dog.

This is his wife, Astrid.

She used to work for the city. Her birthday's in March.

- Hi. When is your birthday? (Chuckles)

- Sadly, it's today.

- Oh. All: Happy birthday.

- Wow. Just to circle back real quick, um,

I love the job... first,

then the checks,

so, hope that checks out.

- Why are you doing this? - I don't know.

- Is anybody gonna introduce me or... no?

- Nannyma got me new pajamas.

- Who is this?

- Ah, oh, this is our daughter, Vivian.

- Hmm.

Wish I wore my pajamas today.

- Happy birthday. - Thanks.

You know, I wish I had a little girl.

You see, I have a son, Julian.

He's picking his acne. - Oh.

- Leave it alone, boy.

He's no fun. - Too bad!

- Oh, too bad. You're fun.

- He has a kid. I thought you said that Gero thought

kids were career killers? - No, that's just my opinion.

Seems like your kid is in. Let's exploit this.

- (Shrieks) - Oh, ow, ow, ow, Viv.

- No, no Sweetie, Sweetie, it's okay. That's just Baggie.

He's a mascot, he's fun. He carries your food.

- Inside of his body,

which is actually kind of weird if you think about it.

Hi, Mr. Gero, I'm Ennis, by the way.

- It's all right, Sweetheart, don't worry about it.

You don't like Baggie? Neither do I. Go on!

Get outta here, Baggie! Nobody wants you here!

You scared my friend!

Marla: Oh, looks like the photographer's ready.

- Okay. It's showtime.

Let's get Vivian and her parents in the shot.

- Oh. - Come on, Vivian.

- Oh no, she actually doesn't go with strangers.

- Here we go. - Oh, unless I'm right behind.

- Oh, James, you're in the pic.

You've breached the castle walls. Thumbs up.

Ennis, Baggie is cancelled. Go deal with him, okay? Thanks.

- Oh, is that what I'm here for, to deal with Baggie?

♪♪

Photographer: All right, everyone, are we ready?

It looks like rain, okay?

Mr. Gero: James. - Hmm?

- Your pants. They're red. - Yeah.

- Why?

- Oh, there she is. Hi, Vivian. - Hi!

(Bubbling, silly sounds)

- Meh, stand up straight, Nosferatu.

- All right, everyone, are we ready?

Man: Yep.

(Thunder cracks)

- Oh! - I'll get her.

- No. I will.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh no. Oh, God. Oh.

Okay.

(Footsteps thud)

- That was incredible. You were a beast.

- I peed myself when I picked her up again.

- All right, on the count of three,

everybody say "Gero's!"

A one, a two, and three! (Vivian shrieks)

All: Gero's! (Camera shutter snaps)

James: So happy they gave me a framed photo of this.

- Yeah, the red pants really draw the eye.

- Ugh, I hate it. That's all I can see.

I'm never wearing them again. - No, you have to.

You paid too much for them.

They can be your Christmas pants

and your Valentine's pants and your spaghetti pants.

- I like those pants, Dad. They look like blood,

like your leg's cut... all cut up and bloody.

- Hmm. - Okay, yeah.

That's pretty cool, Buddy.

- I love your old pants. - Ah, yeah, me too, Sweetie.

- Gonna put this in a drawer.

- Hey, hey, give that back! Viv, give that back!

- She went that way. She went that way.

(Vivian shrieks) - (Laughs) Oh yes, I got it!

I am the mommy and you are nothing!

- I'm nothing. - Hey!

Astrid: The body is a miracle.

You can handle so much pain. James: Speak for yourself.

Astrid: And even as you begin that phase of your life

where hangovers last for days.

James: And you can pull a muscle in your back

just by stretching.

Astrid: You can feel so much joy and pleasure.

♪♪

So, while it's easy to judge yourself

for not being as strong as you were.

James: Or for looking like a dad,

or my case, a DILF.

Astrid: Oh, you're a total DILF.

James: Thank you.

Astrid: You gotta follow your kids' examples

'cause they don't care what they look like.

James: And they think they're invincible.

Astrid: More importantly, they think we're cool,

strong, and beautiful.

James: Until they're like 11. So, enjoy it.

Okay, maybe we should take a little, a little rest.

- I wanna crush you some more! - No, no,

I think we're done crushing Daddy.

- Crush me! Crush me! - No, no, no, you know what?

You can crush your sister, okay? Gently.

- Upstairs. - Yeah.

- Okay.

- (Laughs)

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Ow. - Oh.

- Ow. - Ugh, my neck!

- (Relaxed exhale) - My neck.

- You know I mean, you're gonna get critics.

There's gonna be people who don't like what you're doing.

I was a DJ. You think,

you think everybody liked every song I played?

You know what, can I, can I make a suggestion?

Unsolicited advice. What about like, a face?

You know what I mean, a couple eyes.

Even just a mouth would be,

really lighten you up for people, you know.

Make you a bit more accessible.

I don't know, Julian, what do you think? Yeah?

Face would be nice, right? You get it.

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I've got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh-- ♪