Original subtitles

♪♪

Felix: Oh my God, Viv! Look at all the mess you made!

(Overlapping muted voices echo)

(Children continue arguing)

Viv: Like you even know how to make breakfast!

- (Waking groans)

(Overlapping muffled arguing) Viv: Get me out of here!

- Oh!

- (Yawns)

(Children continue arguing)

- (Groans) (Clattering sound)

(Truck rattles and bangs)

- Astrid? - Yes, I'm fine,

let's do this, I'm up. Oh, you're not with them?

- No, I thought they were with you.

Not that it's your job, it's both of ours, I just...

thought they were with you at this moment.

- Relax, James, it's not like anyone exploded.

- Viv wet the bed again. - One exploded,

still, pretty good. - (Shrill scream)

Felix: Look at the mess you made!

You're cleaning this up.

I put you in jail for a reason!

- I could get out whenever I want!

- No, you can't! - You're cuckoo!

- You're cuckoo! - You are!

- Okay, Viv, Viv! Come out from the coats, please, come on.

- Felix, what are you doing here? Come on, Buddy.

- I put her in jail. She's dumb.

- Yeah, you can't call your sister dumb,

anyone overhears that, you're gonna get cancelled very hard.

- W-What's burning? Did you burn cereal?

- I'm making eggs. (Fire alarm beeps)

- Oh my God! Oh my God. - Oh, okay! Come on!

All right. Here we go. Back up, back up.

Astrid: There's a lot of research out there that shows

people with kids are less happy than people without kids.

And look, it's hard to argue with the facts.

Before kids, we had this...

(Man in movie yells) - (Screams, laughs)

(Meter tone rises)

Astrid: Now, we have this.

(Snack clatters)

(Meter tone lowers)

James: Before, it was kinda like this.

(Meter tone rises, boing)

Now, it's more like this.

(Meter tone lowers)

Astrid: And we swapped this... - Oh yeah!

Astrid: for this...

(Rhythmic farting noises) (Meter tone lowers)

James: So it's very possible that these big idiots

have made a huge mistake by having these little idiots.

Astrid: Idiots like us.

These are our kids, Felix, and Vivian.

I'm Astrid, this is James. James: And I'm James.

Oh, you already-- ohh! Now there's two of them.

Astrid: No! Anyway.

Are parents really less happy than childless people?

James: How do you even measure happiness?

Astrid: Well, that's where I can help, you see,

before becoming a full-time mom, I was a data analyst.

So I take raw, quantifiable data,

like money, free time,

uninterrupted minutes on the toilet,

and I present it in ways that people can understand.

But what about the data you can't measure?

Like, joy, pride,

and like, good vibes, man? Shouldn't that count, too?

James: Yeah, right? I mean, maybe we don't have

as much money or time or fun, but we do have...

Astrid: You know, kids.

(Toys clatter)

- Yeah, that stuff can just go on the floor.

- Think of the floor as one big shelf.

- The kids certainly do. - Chuck emailed me last night.

- Hey! How is old Chucky? - That's my old boss.

- Yeah, I didn't know, you caught me.

- He said my job's available in a few months

if I'm ready to go back. - Oh my, that's amazing!

Do you want-- it's totally up to you, we need the money.

- Yes, no, I'm definitely going back. I need to earn!

And also, my brain is turning to mush. The other day I forgot

the word "Japan." - That was today.

- Well, when I'm a working girl,

I'll never forget Japan again. So I just need to let him know.

- Viv's hogging the red crayons!

- No, I'm not!

- Okay guys, we're having coffee,

this is our time, remember? - Yeah, you guys shouldn't be

drawing anyway unless you're ready for school,

are you ready for school? - I need underwear.

- Uh, Buddy, you're wearing pants.

- Yeah, that's called "going commando!"

That can't be right, they for sure wore underwear.

- No, "bareback?" No, that's not right, either. "Raw Dog!"

- Mm, ah... uh, you know what we should do?

- Hm? (Gasps) Yes! - We should celebrate.

- A nice dinner, just you and me.

- Do you think we can find a last-minute babysitter

that can handle Viv?

- Well, the kids can't come. Breakfast this morning

was like a Viking's banquet. - No, it's normal.

My sister and I used to have wet bread fights.

- I'd like to go to a nice place, you know,

where they don't let you throw wet bread.

- Um, I thought you said it was supposed to be a celebration.

Felix: Where's my lunch?

- Okay, well, all the babysitters are booked.

Anyway, aren't you going to Ennis' tonight?

- I'll just bail.

I mean, we should do something nice, we never do that anymore.

- What? Didn't we just have that turkey cranberry thing?

- Christmas dinner?

- Why don't we order a fancy pizza?

- No, no, no, no. That's not nice enough.

I'm gonna make us the pork shoulder thing,

and you are gonna love it.

- So do I have to buy the stuff for that today?

- Mm, no, I-- mm, yes, yes. Yes, please.

- Ah, what? - Your coffee, your coffee!

- No! There's caffeine in that.

- Tonight we celebrate two incomes!

- Yatta! That means ah, "we did it" in um...

place. - You can do it.

- Japan! - There it is!

- Bye.

(Traffic rumbles)

- So do you like that one? You wanna do that one?

- Hello, Astrid. - Oh! Dawn, hi.

- I'm so surprised to see you in here.

This place is so overpriced.

I mean, nine dollars for mustard?

(Scoffs)

- Yes, well, it's a special occasion,

we're splurging on an animal who's seen the sunlight.

Say hi to Dawn Auntie.

- Hi, your cousin Corey and Uncle Bo are over there

looking at bone broth. - Go on.

Bo: Hey! - Oh, how's Bo?

Good to see him smiling.

- Having a nervous breakdown and being ousted

from his own company was the best thing

that's ever happened to him. He loves homeschooling Corey,

and uh, oh, he's teaching himself to craft.

- Oh, did he craft that fun hat?

- Still learning. - Hmm.

- So, um, what's the occasion?

- Uh, well, in a few months, I'm going back to work.

Paid work. - Astrid!

- I know. - This is fantastic.

Have you told Mom yet?

She's worried you betrayed your feminist ideals.

- No, I didn't betray anything.

I stayed home because James makes more money

because he has a valuable penis and I have a garbage vagina.

Please don't tell Mom,

because I-I really don't need the career advice.

- Oh, you don't want to hear about what make-up to wear

or how shiny your work clothes should be?

- No, I've already heard about how shiny

my at-home clothes should be. - Oh, speaking of Mom,

did you get her email about the vegan food truck

in the park, I think she read it on BlogTO?

(Dawn's voice fades)

("I Only Have Eyes for You" by The Flamingos plays)

♪ My love must a kind of blind love ♪

♪♪

♪ I can't see anyone but... ♪

- (Shrill scream)

Man: What's going on?! - Hey, hey, hey.

- Does she know how to breathe? Really breathe?

- Yes, she's an ace breather, Bo, thank you.

- (Breathes deeply) It's natural, kiddo.

All this stuff used to be animals.

- Okay, well, she's just never seen a decapitated animal

before, have you? - Oh, oh.

- Okay, maybe we skip the meat for today, huh?

(Phones ring)

- Hey James, I sent you a work email.

- You sent me a work email? Okay.

- Eh! Ennis! You cannot send me deep-fake nudes of myself.

- I'm an artist. Are you confirmed for tonight?

You're confirmed, right? - Yeah, no,

I'm gonna try and make it, yes. - No, no!

That is the battle cry of the no-show.

- I-I have a family thing. - So come after!

It's not complicated! Why am I the only one working

at this friendship? - Nice nudes, James.

- Hey Marla, this is not-- this is a joke.

- Yeah, I know, relax. Ennis already sent them to me.

- How's it going, boss?

- Considering what a goldmine the pandemic has been

for the grocery world,

I'd say it's going pretty frickin' well.

- Except for the-- you know, the death and the illness

though, right? - Sure.

But we're opening four new franchises

in the next 15 months. I could kiss Covid.

- That's definitely how you get it.

- We're gonna sweat, and we're gonna bleed,

and we're gonna cry, and who knows what fluids we'll leak,

but once we crush these openings,

this gal is gonna be a VP!

- Awesome! Is there anything you needed?

- Just your hard work, your loyalty,

and James, you're gonna need those balls.

- Uh, not mine. (Groans)

- Why did she point at me when she said fluids?

- I'm asking Astrid. - Don't hide behind Astrid.

You promised you would come, and now you're using

your family as an excuse to suck.

(Phone buzzes) - She says I can go, it's cool.

- Great! Okay. Hey, give me your buy-in

so I know you're locked in.

It's a new policy.

(Crickets chirp)

James: This is a very special dinner,

because we're celebrating Mom going back to work.

Astrid: Yes, celebration pasta.

No meat at all, Viv. - I like meat.

- Okay, because this morning, you...

you know what, never mind.

I'm just gonna blow right past that one.

- Okay, let's raise our glasses to mummy,

- Ah!

- who put her career on hold, a big sacrifice

that mostly women have to make because we live in a patriarchy

- James. - and it's--

- Yep, nope, let's focus. Here it is.

Cheers-ing. - Ah, the cheers.

- The cheers to you, and to you, and to you, and to you.

- And to you, and to all of us. - And to all of us.

- Okay, now, Felix--

- (Giggles) Cheers!

Cheers! Cheers! (Glasses clink)

- Hey Felix, did something happen at school today

that maybe made you feel proud? - Pee-a-reah diarrhea!

- Felix, your father's asking you a question.

- Diarrhea!

- Okay, buh-buh-buh-bup! Let's just sit down, and uh,

commence the civilized meal. - Toilet!

(Both children giggle)

- Toilet is a toilet word, Viv. (Cutlery clatters)

Astrid: I'll be the first to admit

that children are naturally... jerks.

- (Screams) - (Barks)

Astrid: As parents, you have to stop jerk behavior

or it will get worse and worse as they get older.

James: And the world has enough adult jerks.

So, you know, please do your part.

- My name is D.J. Poopy in the house!

Viv: My name is D.J. Pee-pee in the house.

- Hey guys, we don't need to make the bread...

pee and poo. - Okay, that's enough.

Viv, go back to your seat. Sit down in your seat.

Felix, eat your food. - Eat your food.

- Viv, okay, let's sit down, let's enjoy mummy's great meal.

- I don't want it. It's gross.

- Ewwwwww! Astrid: All right, enough!

Enough! Everybody calm down!

(Dog barks in the distance)

Now, this is really important to mummy and daddy.

Do you understand that?

So I promise you that if we just stay in our seats,

and we don't yell at each other and we don't make gross noises,

- (Blows raspberry)

- I promise that we can have a really nice time.

- I love it. - So how about this?

How about we reset this dinner?

Okay? A do-over. - Do-over!

- Yeah. Okay? - Mm-hmm!

- Starting with the cheers. Okay?

- Do-over! - Right, cheers, everybody.

Ready? Cheers.

(Glass shatters) - Oh my God! Okay, okay!

- Oh my God, don't move! - Everyone stand still.

Stand still! Stand still! Don't move, there's glass everywhere,

if it gets in your eyes, that's it for your eyes,

You need your eyes! - (Crying loudly)

- James! Shit.

- Toilet word! - (Exasperated exhale)

- (Sighs heavily)

- Well, we'll try again when they're teenagers.

- Do you have to go to Ennis'? - Yeah. I already bought in,

and he gave me a whole thing about bailing, so.

- If you stay I'll make it worth your while.

- The sad thing is that this is working on me.

- Like a little bit of this? - Oh yeah!

These are all the moves, these are all my favorites.

- (Laughs) - I've got glass in my bum.

- Uh, no, I don't--

- No, I don't think you have glass in your bum, Buddy.

- Yes, I do, it's cutting me! I can feel it right now!

- It seems unlikely because you were wearing pants, and--

- No, yeah, it seems-- - There is!

You have to get it out.

- Okay, okay, okay. How 'bout this?

I think before daddy goes to have fun with his friends,

maybe he should check your bum for glass.

♪♪

- It can be a little depressing, but...

oh, look at her. - Whoa, whoa, slow down.

- Not bad. You gotta move fast - Well, ah--

- or else you'll never find what you're looking for.

- Well, how you making decisions this quick?

What's wrong with her? - She's wearing a sweater

at the beach. - What about-what about--

- I don't know, you know she does cartwheels.

- Go back, can you go back? - Ironic--no,

you don't want to you gotta pay extra to do that.

- Is that her dog? - Okay, now, see this one?

- Yeah. - Yeah, you think yoga pose

means bendy in a sexy way, but really it means a lot

of conversations about how you don't drink enough water.

How's Astrid? - Uh, no, yeah, she's great.

She actually, she's going back to work.

We tried to celebrate tonight, but uh,

Felix and Viv are going through a sabotage phase.

- Well, I keep telling you, having kids is a huge mistake.

- Yeah, and I thought you'd stop telling me that

once I had them.

- Well, they keep proving my point. But unlike your kids,

I can actually help.

I have a reservation tomorrow night at Fauf9.

It's a phenomenal new place. But I can't go

because my dodge ball team made the playoffs.

- What? You still play ironic sports?

- I take my dodge ball very seriously.

Try to hit me with that pillow. - No.

- Smart choice. You would've missed.

- So this-this-- all right. - Fauf.

- is it expensive? Because last month I got a parking ticket

and I couldn't afford deodorant.

- I'll tell you what, play your cards right tonight,

and maybe you can win the cash you need.

♪ Ah, yeah... ♪

♪ Rollin' dices nightly We be out ♪

- I need-I need a hay. - I'll--

- No, that's a sheep, bro. - Do you have any sheep?

(Laughing) - Right.

- Don't! Not-not on-- - You know where to put it!

You know where to put it! - Oh ho ho ho!

- That is gonna come back to haunt you, I don't know how!

- All right, sheep for you.

♪ Call your party She bring friends ♪

♪ You wanna bring friends We need a friendship ♪

(Dice rattles) All: Ohhh!

- Always fun. - I said I needed sheep.

♪ When we get to the crib I'ma... ♪

♪ Musta had a night You get my sin ♪

- Five! - Oh okay-okay-okay-okay.

- What's up. - Anything.

- Just so you know, I am four points away

from being your champion for the evening.

- James and I only need one point.

- I've faced worse odds. Are you done?

- I need a wheat. - Oh, I have wheat.

- I have wood. Wood for wheat.

- I don't need wood. I need sheep.

- Okay, stop, stop, stop. But if I had a wheat,

I could uh, build a town. - Yeah.

- You know, the kind of town that one might

take their wife out on. - Well, in this economy,

wheat will cost you a sheep.

- Help me out here. - That's a good price.

- He won't make the deal. - It's no wheat off my back.

- Wonderful! - What?

- I am now able to make the longest road.

- What?! - A winning move!

- Are you serious? Where? Oh! - Yeah, come on, come on!

- I wish I won. - I still want the reservation.

♪ You need it, I'm gonna give you what you want ♪

♪ You need it, I'm gonna give you what you want ♪

(Birds chirp, lawnmower buzzes)

(Footsteps rustle)

(Light thuds) - Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

- Listen, may I just- grrr!

- Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! - Oh! Can I have an hour?

- Yeah, I already gave you an hour.

It's your turn to battle the kids.

- You can't win! - 30 minutes.

- No! You can't go out with your friends

and sleep 'til 9:30, get up. - But wait, wait! Time, time!

I made a reservation at Fauf9, very nice, hard to get into.

Dinner, just the two of us.

- Did you book a babysitter? - Uh... ow! Okay, okay, okay!

I texted your Mom! I texted your Mom!

- What? - I--

- The last time my mother was here, they were eating bowls

of whipped cream and watching a "Fast and the Furious" movie!

- I know, Felix ruined the ending for me.

- Shaw killed Seoul-Oh! - Yes, and...

Shaw killed me as well, I feel like.

- Okay fine, but just so you know, Viv is pretending

to water a garden by pouring milk on the couch,

so you're dealing with that. Okay!

- Oh my God!

(Traffic rumbles, siren wails)

(Birds chirp)

- Watch me! I'm mummy!

And I'm cleaning!

- No, daddy cleans, too.

It's everyone's job to tidy the house.

Felix, tidy the slide. Both of you clean it.

(Children shout playfully)

(Phone buttons beep)

(Line rings)

Chuck: Hello? - Chuck!

Hi, it's Astrid.

- Hi, how are you? How's the family?

- I'm good, I'm good, Yeah, they're good.

Listen, I was just, I was just calling because I wanted

to take you up on that job offer.

- So you're coming back? - Yes!

- Well, that's great news!

("I Only Have Eyes for You" by The Flamingos plays)

♪ Are the stars out tonight ♪

- (Giggles)

♪ I don't know if it's cloudy or... ♪

- Stop! Stop it! Stop it! - What?

- No, no, not you. (Laughs) Sorry. No, not you.

Yes, I would-- I'll totally learn the new software.

- Great. - Yeah, that would be amazing.

- I'll be in touch with you. - Thank you.

(Bicycle bell rings, spokes rattle)

- Hey, I'm cleaning this part.

- Nanima's here! (Laughs) I'm here to save the day!

- Hi! - Hello, Beta.

- Thank you so much for babysitting.

You know the rules, no boys, don't touch the thermostat.

- This is for lunch and dinner tomorrow.

Aloo Gobi for you, Bitoo. My little vegetarian.

- She's not a ve- what?

- And gummy candies for the kids.

Ooh! Have they seen the movie "Pan's Labyrinth?"

- That's not a kid's movie. - We'll see.

And congratulations on your job!

Dawn was worried you'd given up on your feminist ideals.

- What? No! - Oh! I forgot to tell you,

I ran into Christine's mom in High Park!

- I haven't seen Christine in like, 20 years.

- Well, her brother's a gambling addict,

and he stole Margo's van. So that's where she's at.

- Okay, uh, yeah.

- Okay, well, why don't you go get changed for your big night.

- This is what I'm wearing.

- You don't have something shinier?

- Uh-oh, the in-laws, get outta here, Nisha!

- You ruined my daughter's life, you sack of crap!

- Oh my God! Okay. - That's-- okay, yeah.

- Let's-- put a little extra mustard on that one this time.

- (Laughs) We're just having fun.

♪♪

- Oh-oh. Are we under-dressed? - Almost always.

- Hello, uh, we have a reservation for eight

under Ennis, I think.

- It looks like you guys are already here.

- Hmm?

- No, it's more like re-odorant.

(Both laugh) You know what I mean?

Thank you very much. - Hi, Ennis.

- Hi.

Right.

I was supposed to give you this table.

James: Mm-hmm. - But then I met Penelope here

while I was at Zara shopping for socks.

- Good evening. - Hmm, what's this?

- Astrid, you look great. - Thank you.

You know, I just dressed up

because I was looking forward to the night out.

- Yeah, I thought you guys couldn't afford this place.

- We can't. - Yeah!

We're only here because you gave us the reservation!

- Well, what do you want me to do?

(Cutlery clinks)

(Buzz of patron chatter)

- James, how's your duck?

- It's great, Ennis, thank you.

- That's good.

- So, Penelope, um, you work at Zara?

- No. I work for an NGO. I help develop non-GMO

enriched rice for developing countries.

- Wow. That's cool.

Sounds... fulfilling. - Yeah, it really is.

How about you? - Oh, uh, job-wise?

Um, I'm, I'm a data analyst for the city.

Well, I was, right now I'm just... just a mom.

- Well, no such thing as just a mom, she's amazing.

- You guys have kids? I love kids.

- You do?

Oh yeah, that's great. (Phone vibrates)

- (Gasps) Oh my God.

Um, my Mom's saying something's wrong.

She says it's Felix. - Oh.

- It's- it's his stomach. - She said that?

Oh, it's a stabbing pain. He's in tears!

- Oh my God, did he actually eat glass last night?

(Dishes rattle, chairs rasp) - Oh!

(Running footsteps recede)

- I'll get the check. (Awkward chuckle)

♪♪

- So hungry.

Yeah.

(Food crunches)

- He didn't eat the food after the glass broke.

- I did. Somebody had to.

- Do you need help? - Oh!

Could you just hold him for a second?

- Yeah, sure. - Thank you.

- Remember when Viv ate a spider?

Just smashed it up with a block

and put it in her mouth like a Godzilla. (Laughs)

♪ I don't know if it's cloudy or bright ♪

♪ I only have eyes ♪

♪ For you ♪

- I wanna have another baby.

- I'll just take him back now.

- Sure. - Since when?

- Since I can't stop thinking about it.

- Wha... what?

We agreed on two! And we did it!

We got one of each gender.

That's like the perfect-- I mean, I know gender

is a spectrum and there's more- - Okay, but I just--

I can't shake this feeling that someone is missing.

Like our family is not totally complete.

- Well, can we try getting a guinea pig

and seeing if that hits the spot?

I mean, what about going back to work? What about money?

You know, I'm almost 40,

and we're just starting to go back out again.

- I get that it doesn't make sense.

I'm just telling you how I feel.

- And I appreciate that. And I support how you feel.

But I feel the opposite.

Doctor: Mr. And Mrs. Berney? - Yes.

- I had a look at the X-rays, and I haven't been able

to locate any glass, so that's good.

- Oh yeah, we didn't find any when we checked his bum.

- Yeah, "we." - The intestines are here.

And you see these black circles here and here.

- Wait, w-why are they so perfectly round like that?

What are the black circles? - It's gas.

He just needs to vacate the gas and he'll probably feel fine.

- So you're prescribing a fart. - Yes.

A warm bath or gently massaging--

- No, no, he knows how. He'll be thrilled.

- Thank you.

Astrid: So are the studies right?

Are parents less happy than the childless people

who have all their free time and money to themselves?

Probably. James: Definitely.

- Hey! - Hey!

- Look at this, it's the who's who of the vegan food scene!

- Hi! You made it, oh!

James: Being a parent can suck.

Every injury, every heartache, every mess - you're in charge.

- I'm sorry you didn't get to celebrate going back to work.

- I'm celebrating now.

- Oh, yes, we are. To Astrid.

- To Astrid. - To Astrid. Cheers.

Astrid: But there are moments, incredible moments,

that you can't find anywhere else.

Life isn't always as fun or cool as it was before.

James: Never. Not even close.

But those moments very nearly make up for it.

Astrid: So we just try to have as many as we can.

James: She means moments. Not kids.

Astrid: You don't know what I mean.

- Okay, all right, that's nice.

Yeah. Okay, hi. Hi.

(Viv and Felix giggle)

- There's like four of them. - Okay.

See? That's yours. Yeah? Okay?

- Try to hit me with one of those pillows.

- No, I... - No, go ahead.

- Give it a shot, see how fast I can move.

- I'll believe you, I choose to believe you.

- No, lesson learned, no, go ahead. Go ahead.

- Ready? See how fast I can move? See? Oh!

- Well, that's in the- see, that's not allowed.

You can't hit me in the face. So, that's how I get ya.

- Okay.

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

(Everything) ♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids But kids ruin everything ♪

(Everything) ♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I've got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh-- ♪