Original subtitles

[alarm ringing]

[sighs]

[speaks Spanish]

[sighs]

- [roommate shouts] - [Elena, in English] Wait!

[roommate shouts]

- [bell rings] - [announcer chattering]

[chattering]

[sighs]

[neck cracks]

[distant thud]

[code chimes]

[door closes]

Elena?

Take it easy. It's me. Coop.

It's not what it looks like.

What it looks like is you're breaking into the house of the guy who stole your wife.

[Coop] Is that Nick's gun?

It's mine.

Why do you need a gun?

- Why would Nick? - Well, can you not point it at me?

You know I'm not gonna hurt you.

I don't know what I know. Five minutes ago I didn't know you were a thief.

I was just gonna take the ring.

And when Nick notices his championship ring is missing,

- who do you think he's gonna blame? - Come on. Nick loves you.

Nick loves watching my ass when I clean his house.

That's... [sighs]

...fair.

The Sperlings loved Ariana.

They fired her a few days ago.

One of Mr. Sperling's watches went missing and they blamed her.

That woman practically raised Chelsea.

[scoffs]

Was that you?

Sorry about your friend.

Well, you have bigger problems. Honestly, I never liked her.

In that case, you're welcome.

What, they don't pay you enough money at the bank?

- It was a hedge fund. - I don't care.

Your boss fucked my wife. My boss fucked me out of a job.

Okay. So you lost your job, and your...

your buddy, and your wife.

That's a... That's a pretty bad couple of years.

Yeah, well, I'm waiting for you to tell me just how bad it's gonna get.

- What were you gonna do with that ring? - I got a guy.

And your guy would've told you to fuck off.

This is not a Cartier necklace.

A ring like that gets really hot once it's been reported.

I figured Nick wouldn't notice for a while.

I think that you just wanted to take something that he loved.

Like he did to you.

I take it you knew about them.

Before me, I mean.

Let's just say you weren't the first person to walk in on them.

That's humiliating.

- For them? - For me.

Like I said, you have bigger problems.

So what are we doing here?

You would've called the cops already if you were going to. So...

[sighs]

I'm gonna keep your secret.

Thank you. I owe you.

And you're gonna keep mine.

I'm sorry. I don't know your secret.

It's the same as yours.

We're partners now.

[Coop sighs]

[theme song playing]

Mel.

Hey, Ron.

- Marley. - How are our perfect grandkids?

Did you hear Tori won her tournament?

We did. We heard all about it. Congratulations.

We're so proud.

It's remarkable, really, how resilient she is.

You should come to her next match.

Invite us and we'll come.

Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed your son had invited you.

It's fine. Tori called afterwards and she sent me a picture.

Aw.

I told her she could always come by our place

if she needed a break from all the chaos.

What chaos?

She didn't mean chaos.

Pretty sure she did.

What chaos, Marley? You know something I don't know?

Well, I'm just not as close to it as you are.

No, you're not.

[inhales deeply] I think you forgot to grab the oatmeal.

She didn't mean any of that the way it sounded.

Oh, yes, she did.

I guess what I meant was she doesn't mean to be the way she is.

[Barney] These people are assholes. There's no getting around that.

But you work in a profession

that attracts and breeds assholes as a matter of course.

And I know it sucks having to put on your suit

and go ask guys beneath your pay grade for a job,

but ultimately, you and I are in sales, Coop.

We sell ourselves.

You know what they say, "Trading sucks. Sales swallows."

Is there any way you could postpone this lecture?

I just ran into Harvey Ratner.

I will pay you to stop talking.

With what?

The Ratners are consolidating their operations, looking to put in a new CIO.

[Coop] The Ratners? I'm not dead yet, am I?

[Barney] I know. It's not ideal.

But right now, more than anything, we need you back in the game.

I just need to take a beat.

You're already taking a beat.

You can't take a beat from taking a beat.

Well, what are you worried about? I paid your bill.

Yes, with a brown bag of cash.

And don't think that isn't keeping me up at night.

I need you back at work, Coop.

You need you back at work.

I think what I need is a little hiatus.

Sure.

Or, and I'm just spitballing here,

maybe that will leave you well and truly fucked.

Now is not the time for a hiatus.

Now is the time for a solid, low level panic.

You heard Massey. God only knows how long this lawsuit will take.

Nice of you to join us.

[Coop] Sorry, sorry. Jesus.

- [friend] Ten after. - Calm down.

You know the old timers already beat us to the first tee.

[Barney] Sorry. I got waylaid by my fucking contractor.

You know, if the man could work as fast as he bills me,

we'd have been done months ago.

Our last renovation almost ended the marriage.

Are you married? I hadn't noticed.

- Fuck you. - [laughs]

How far over budget are you?

You mean there's a budget? Someone should tell my wife.

Grace does have an eye.

Tell me about it.

[Brad] Ooh. There it is.

Brad, did I hear you fired your housekeeper?

I had to. My Richard Mille got stolen.

How do you know she took it?

I don't, for sure. But she was the only one who had access.

Besides, she was getting way too comfortable.

It's a good excuse to, you know, bring in some new blood.

That watch is a serious piece of hardware.

Any chance it might be recovered?

Maybe if the cops gave a shit, which they don't.

The detective thinks I just misplaced it like...

[laughs] ...like I'm gonna misplace a quarter of a million dollar watch.

- [friend chuckles] - So you told the cops?

Yeah. I needed a police report for the insurance.

- Nice. - [friend] So you're covered?

Sure, uh, we'll get a fat check,

but it's a limited edition piece.

Irreplaceable.

Lisa has an uncle who works in the Diamond District

who can probably get it for you on the gray market.

You can ask her about it at Mel's birthday thing.

Gordy...

What? Guys, I'm invited. It's fine.

Seriously?

Yes.

You see?

- There you go, Barney. - [Gordy] There you go.

- [chattering] - [phone ringing]

Hey, do you have a copy of yesterday's NAR report?

Oh, yeah. Let me pull it up.

Just give me another minute here.

- Well, you on the other hand, my friend... - Next time...

- You. - ...you owe me.

- It's your turn. Yeah. - No.

[both laughing]

[coworker] I sent it over to you.

All right. We cover the tables at the bar, the dance floor over the pool.

So we'll do a whole indoor/outdoor thing with seating for 150.

What can we do about that? We had carpet moths. Don't ask.

- Okay. - Hey! Come on!

We gotta hit all four floors here.

I want a full permethrin spread. I want vinegar seals. The works.

Okay, we could do a flower wall.

Hide that whole section. Or we could build a board wrap of some kind.

[stammers] What do you think, Notorious?

Why not both? More is more.

[event planner] What do you know? More is more.

[Mel] What's going on here?

Hey! It's the almost-birthday girl.

You weren't supposed to be home yet. [chuckles]

Melanie, Jane Reuven.

Reuven Catering and Events.

- Ah, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- I told you I didn't want a party! - I know, but I don't--

- Sorry about that. There we go. Hey. - Hey, José.

Come on, Mom. You can't cancel now.

Nana and Pops are gonna be so disappointed.

You called my parents in Boca?

It was gonna be a surprise. I'm flying them out.

- My parents are not coming here. - What... Why not?

What? Come on, Mom. It's gonna be great.

- [Mel] Mom? Mom? - Nana's totally not racist anymore.

Remember that Uber driver she told us about?

Mom? That's why I'm calling. That-- That is not happening.

- Uh, is this okay? - [Mel] Oh, good. Okay. Go, go.

- She'll come around. - Okay.

Mmm. That's what my dad said.

I'm sorry about this. I think Nick and I just, um, had a miscommunication.

Well, I can tell you he is going all out for you.

I wish my husband would think more like him.

- Aw. [chuckles] - Oh.

How long have you two been married?

Lot of shopping bags in your closet.

Half of them are returns.

Oh, and Lily needed a new saddle and equipment for horseback riding.

What was wrong with her old saddle?

This one's for dressage.

Apparently our daughter has a very strong seat.

[groans] I know it's a compliment, but it just sounds like an insult.

Why?

What's wrong?

I think with the renovation and everything we should try to cut back on spending.

- Just for a little while. - Hey, are we okay?

Yeah, it's just a little cash crunch.

We're fine.

Good.

Because, um, we could always return the Spectre.

[laughs]

Or, um, I don't know, I guess I could stop wearing these expensive pajamas.

Better?

Let me see it on again.

- Oh, no, no, no. - [both laughing]

[chuckles] Oh!

[game show host chattering]

October 31st, 1984,

this prime minister was assassinated by two...

Who is...

[Coop] Jack Black.

[groans]

Hey, wanna watch a movie?

No gig tonight?

[Ali] Mmm. Private event.

Come on. We can watch one of your kung fu dragon films.

You know there's no literal dragons in any of those movies, right?

That's disappointing.

- What is "SOS"? - [game show host] Annette?

What is "SOS"?

[sighs] Are you using your chest as a bowl?

Yeah. It's a much more efficient popcorn delivery system.

- [doorbell chimes] - Disgusting.

Who the fuck is that?

Probably Mom with a vacuum cleaner.

We need to talk about your life decisions.

- [laughs] - You're worse than the kids. Coming!

[Ali] Who is Alice Cooper?

- What are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.

I shouldn't be here.

And yet here you are.

Massey's in Jack's pocket.

- What? - Massey was in Jack's office today.

Yeah. I gave you a heads-up on that right before you hung up on me.

He's my lawyer.

This didn't look like that.

- What did it look like then? - Like Massey's in Jack's pocket.

There are laws against that.

Did you pay a retainer? Sign a contract?

He said he'd get back to me. Shit. Are you sure?

Think of everything you know about Jack and Massey.

I'll hire someone else.

Yeah, I really wish you wouldn't. [laughs]

What's Jack giving you?

- What? - For all of this? What's Jack giving you?

Come on.

- A higher floor. - [chuckles] Tracks.

- He'd fire me if he knew I was here. - I know.

I appreciate it.

I'm gonna go.

Well, um, thank you for coming by.

You must be wishing you never met me.

Well...

it was a fun weekend.

[vehicle approaches]

It was.

Who was that?

[sighs] Fucking everybody.

What is going on with you?

[sighs, chuckles]

[phone buzzes]

[groans] God.

[sighs] Give me a second.

Yeah? Hey.

Already?

Yeah, uh...

Yeah. I mean, sure.

Okay. I'll... I'll be right there.

Great.

I gotta go. [sighs]

[Coop] When Elena said she wanted to be partners,

it turned out she meant immediately.

So now I would be committing felonies with the housekeeper

of the man who's sleeping with my ex-wife.

Which, if nothing else, was a pretty good indicator

that my little enterprise was already spinning out of control.

On the other hand, it was never a bad thing to have some backup.

Hey. Whose car is this?

It's Nick's. For errands.

Nice touch.

- What's that? - Wi-Fi jammer.

Kills the cameras.

You've got gear.

The right tool for the right job.

Are you sure about this?

[Elena, on phone] Mm-hmm.

Aren't women supposed to be sentimental about their jewelry?

Not about the Panthère.

It's from her ex-husband.

Audrey told me that she kept it out of spite in the divorce.

- She never wears it. - And how does she know that?

Audrey knows everything.

[Coop] Turned out the housekeeper network was a real thing

and there was almost nothing about us that they didn't know.

They were a social network like any other.

Supporting each other, covering for each other,

spreading information like currency across the neighborhood.

These women, moving quietly and unobtrusively through our lives,

were quietly and unobtrusively taking note of everything...

[shouting]

...and sharing it in WhatsApp groups and weekly card games.

[Coop] And, Elena,

she was at the center of it all.

We did four jobs in two weeks.

All surgical, all clean, all thanks to Elena.

Everything was where she said it would be

and it was all stuff no one would miss for a while.

If ever.

We had a good thing going.

All we had to do was stick to the plan and not get greedy.

Okay. So this guy that we're meeting...

- [Elena] Héctor. - Héctor.

- What's his deal? - He works for Charter Security, which...

they do most of the alarms in your neighborhood, so he can help us.

Well, I'm not really looking to take on another partner at this point.

Okay. Think of him more as a consultant.

Hmm. Right here.

Seriously?

It's a family dinner.

And you thought this would be an appropriate time to make an introduction?

An introduction? He's my cousin.

- [in Spanish] Saludos. - [family clamors]

[Elena] Hey!

I didn't think you were coming!

- [sighs] - [Elena, in English] Take it easy.

[in Spanish] Easy! Take it easy! [laughs]

What's with George Clooney?

Boyfriend?

No, he's not my boyfriend.

[in English] Coop, this is my little brother, Chivo.

- Hey, Chivo. How do you do? - [speaks Spanish]

- Hi, cousin. - Cousin.

[Elena speaks Spanish, kisses]

[in English] You brought a Tinder date to my house?

[Elena] No, eh. This is my business associate.

Can we please talk alone?

Man the grill, Chivo.

[Chivo sighs]

- [child shouts] - [Elena] Ready?

Yeah. Let's go.

No. No way. I'm not getting involved in this shit.

And it's not cool for you guys to ambush me like this.

Okay, just for the record, I didn't know that you didn't know.

And I would never have supported this ambush.

You're not getting involved, involved.

You're just passing on some neighborhood alarm codes.

- Oh, just that? - And we'll pay you $5,000 per code.

- What? - [in Spanish] What?

Cousin...

Are you crazy? What are you doing with this guy?

I know what I'm doing. Don't worry.

If you get caught, this guy lawyers up.

But you get deported. Period.

[Elena] He has more to lose than you think.

- [Héctor] What are you doing? - What everyone else does.

Look, I know you're working doubles since Julio hurt his back.

It's too much for you.

So you're saying we deserve this.

In life you don't get what you deserve,

you get what you negotiate.

This is about Chivo.

What are you talking about?

Hmm?

[sighs] You should talk to Chivo.

$5000 a code. Do we have a deal?

[breathes deeply]

[in English] I get paid in cash. Up front.

Okay. [stammers] We haven't had a chance to,

uh, discuss this fee internally.

So maybe we could put a pin in that and maybe we can sidebar? Can you...

[sighs]

Thought I saw a Dominican Republic flag back at your cousin's house.

Is that where you're from?

[Elena] Yeah.

When did you move here?

I was, uh, 23 and my parents wanted to get me away from some bad influences.

Oh.

What kind of bad influences?

Keeping it vague, huh?

What does it matter? I've been here 12 years and look at me now.

I'm robbing houses with a banker.

It's a hedge fund, but whatever.

You could use a housekeeper.

I have a service. It comes twice a week.

Oh.

- Well... getting ripped off. - [chuckles]

So, you know, you never did tell me

why you didn't turn me in that night at Nick's.

- I wanted in. - Well, yeah, but why?

I mean, look, if we're gonna be partners,

we might as well know at least this about each other.

[inhales sharply]

I've been cleaning houses ten years.

I know women who have been doing it into their 70s.

And for what?

What do they get?

At a certain point it feels like not taking the shortcut

is a bigger crime than the actual crime.

Well, what's the end game?

Bringing my parents here, for starters.

I know an immigration lawyer who might be able to help with that.

You make it sound like all I have to do is sign the right forms.

Takes a lot of money to get them here. Takes even more money to keep them here...

and giving them a life.

Fair enough.

And then there's Chivo getting in trouble faster than I can get him out.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, I don't know if you're right about that. [chuckles]

I just moved my sister in with me.

- In here? - Yeah.

And you're okay with that?

Yeah, I mean, you know... I don't know.

You get used to living with people.

There's a presence.

Even if they're not in the same room or if you're asleep.

An empty house just feels different. More like a tomb, you know?

And then you start looking for any excuse to not come home.

And that, I can tell you from personal experience,

leads to some very poor decisions.

I should get your money.

Your cut from the last two jobs.

Not gonna count it?

- I trust you. - No, you don't. Not yet anyway.

I'm gonna count it when I get home.

That's what I would do.

[chuckles]

Thanks for the beer, Coop.

You sure about Héctor?

You sure about any of this?

[doctor] Okay. So, the anniversary of your first episode is coming up.

Uh, next week.

I would've been married 11 years. [chuckles]

Were you tempted to reach out to Bruce again?

No. [grunts]

I do wonder what he would have gotten me as a steel anniversary.

Or turquoise.

The Internet is divided.

How did it feel in your body to think about that?

Heavy. [chuckles]

In my legs.

Like I'm stuck in the mud.

I heard "Hold Me Now" by the Thompson Twins

on the radio on my way to a gig.

That was supposed to be our wedding song. And, um...

And I got through the whole thing this time.

Usually I have to cut it off after the first verse.

Did you make it to the gig?

I did.

And...

They offered me a... a regular slot.

That's terrific.

How did Andy react? He must have been proud.

I haven't... I haven't told him. I haven't told anyone.

Sounds to me like you redirected some powerful emotions into your art

and were rewarded for it.

Can you let yourself celebrate that?

Historically, uh, things don't go so well when I celebrate.

Let's talk about that.

[Coop] Elena picked a target,

and Héctor came through with our first $5,000 alarm code.

[whispers] Nine, six, two, four, two, three. [breathes deeply]

Fuck. Come on. Come on.

[alarm system chimes]

[sighs]

- Héctor, my man. - You could sound a little less surprised.

[Coop] I'm sorry. It's just a little nerve-racking.

Elena, is there a dog here?

Died last month. They made Lorelei handle the burial.

Thank God.

I mean, not thank God. That's awful.

God, handle the burial?

That's rough. No pun intended.

[chuckles]

How does that compare to what, uh, Nick makes you do?

Oh, Nick's easy 'cause he's barely home anymore.

- Yeah, thanks for that. - Shit. Sorry.

But isn't this bitter act getting a little old?

You're telling me you've never cheated on anybody?

- [Coop] Never. - Wow. Really?

[Coop] You could sound a little less surprised.

[chuckles]

Okay.

I think I found it.

Okay, so we're looking for anything Hermès.

Mrs. Hake's sales associate couldn't or wouldn't

get her the new season Birkin colorway.

So she's too offended to wear any of the bags.

Anything on the island is fair game.

Uh...

[Coop] There's probably a no more obnoxious or coveted status symbol

than the Hermès Birkin, named after singer/actress Jane Birkin.

They're handcrafted in France by an elusive cabal of craftsmen

trained in centuries-old equestrian trade techniques.

Using only the highest end leather,

exotic animal skins, stitching, and hardware,

the Birkin is the crown jewel of any woman's handbag collection.

The rub is, you can't simply walk into an Hermès boutique and buy one.

You've got to play the Hermès game,

which means spending tens of thousands on jewelry

and accessories, aka Birkin bait, just to get wait-listed

for the privilege of spending upwards of 50 grand for a bag.

And you thought hedge funds were--

- [beeping] - [Elena] What the fuck is that?

There's another alarm. Why the fuck is there another alarm?

- Hello? - Uh, try the house code.

There's no fucking keypad. Where do I find a keypad?

- Do you know? - Okay. It's gotta be there somewhere.

Wait, wait, wait. I got it. I got it. I got it. Hold on. Hold on.

Holy shit.

Coop?

[grunts] It's not working. It's not working.

- Coop. - [alarm blares]

- Fuck! It's not-- What do I do? - Get out of there!

What the fuck kind of security system is this?

[grunts] Jesus Christ.

Coop, where are you? Get out here.

- Yeah, I don't think I can do that. - Why not?

'Cause they got another dog.

[sirens wailing]

[Coop] Good dog.

Hey.

Hi.

- [dog growls] - You want a treat?

Huh?

- Shit! - [barking]

[tires squealing]

[growling]

[grunting] I'm coming out front.

Do not come out front. Do not go out front.

I don't really have a choice.

- [grunts] - [clothing rips]

- Coop? - Leave it.

[grunting]

Get off! Take the bag.

[groans] Fuck.

- Where the hell are you? - I'm on the street.

- Oh. Go! Run east. - Which way is east?

[sirens wailing]

How the fuck am I supposed to know?

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I'm going.

Tell me where I'm going.

[panting]

Coop, there are cops everywhere. Just be careful, okay?

[breathes heavily] Shit! Fuck. Okay. Okay.

[grunting]

[radio chatter]

[grunting]

[tires squealing]

My fucking earpiece!

[security guards clamor]

- I've got eyes on him. - He's out back! Come on.

[guard] Don't move.

[Elena] Coop? Coop?

Answer me if you can hear me.

[guards] Stop! Stop! Stop!

[pants]

Coop? Hello?

[pants]

[Coop] Hey.

Let's go.

[sirens wailing]

[Coop] Okay, okay, okay, okay. Turn off the lights.

Yeah. Okay, turn it off. Turn off the car.

Shit. [grunts]

[grunts, breathes heavily]

Holy shit.

[Elena pants] Okay.

You're okay.

Where the fuck are we?

- [pleasant jazz playing] - [guests chatter]

- [door opens] - [footsteps approaching]

[Tori] Hey, I need your Airwrap.

- Mom. What, you're not even dressed? - [sniffles]

- People are already here. - I just have to do my makeup.

[chuckles]

So gorgeous. [chuckles]

Hey, come on. I'll help you.

- Oh, yeah. Sorry. - Just, like, look at the ceiling.

Perfect.

- [guests chatter] - [dance music playing]

[laughs]

Okay. Please, a little space, please.

[Maggie] Oh, there you are.

Happy birthday.

[kisses]

- Happy birthday. - Tori, how are you? You look beautiful.

- Um, bar. Now. - Oh, now.

- Oh. But, oh... - [Maggie] You're gonna stay here.

- Oh. - Hey, Mel. Happy birthday.

- Hi. - [guests chatter]

- Wow. - Just, you know...

What the actual fuck?

- Babe. - A Meltini.

Tonight's signature drink.

Baby, I just really want a vodka martini. Very dirty.

Yeah, that's what the Meltini is.

I know what you like, babe.

Hey, girl. [chuckles] Oh, my God.

We're both fire signs.

- Really? - Yeah. [chuckles]

We're more into enneagrams here.

- You mean like word games? - Uh... Yeah.

- Yeah, sure. - Yes, words.

- Wow. I mean... - Oh, oh. Okay.

- Oh. - Hey, Sam.

Paul.

Could you give us a minute?

- I don't think so. - We were here first.

Did you get my voicemails?

Anything you have to say can go through our lawyers.

- God knows we pay them enough. - I pay them enough.

Well, you can afford it, unless Misty is spending you out of house and home.

Can you really rack up that much of a tab at Fashion Nova?

It doesn't have to be like this.

Oh, you should go back up there.

It looks like they're proofing your girlfriend at the bar.

Ladies.

Bye, Paul.

[sighs]

What the fuck? How did Héctor not know about the second alarm?

- They gotta be the same company. - He didn't know what he was looking for.

For five grand, he better fucking know!

Can you sit down? You're making it worse.

- Ow. - Where's your first aid kit?

- [sighs] I don't have one. - Okay. Do you have vodka?

[sighs] In the freezer.

Give me your phone.

- I'm gonna order the rest on DoorDash. - Cocksucker.

Okay. I need your face.

Thank you.

[Coop groans]

[phone buzzes]

Why is Samantha Levitt sending you nudes?

Oh, my God. It's complicated, okay?

[stammers] How do you know Samantha Levitt?

Why does everybody know everybody in this town?

Of course, everyone fucking knows everyone.

Is that why you were fighting with her husband at Nick's?

No. Paul is just a dick, okay? Can we please drop this?

- [mumbles] - [sighs]

Okay.

- Ready? - Yeah.

[groans]

[sighs]

We gotta be more careful. People are gonna hear about this.

- About you and Sam? - No.

About me being chased by police and a dog.

- [groans] - Hey. It'll pass.

Yeah.

So this looks more like a scratch than a full-on bite,

but I would still probably put some antibiotics on it.

It'll be fine. What are we gonna do about Héctor?

I'll straighten out Héctor.

- Okay? - [sighs] Okay.

You know what, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I gotta go. I'm gonna be late.

Late? Late to what?

Mel's birthday party. I gotta change.

[Elena] Are you serious?

You're a complicated guy, Coop.

I know. Sometimes I don't understand myself.

- Another shot for this bad bitch. - Tequila shots. Doubles, please.

Hey, can we have Don Julio? None of that spring break shit.

- Uh-uh. - Yeah.

- Grown-ass adults. - Line 'em up.

- Strong. - [bartender] And here we go.

- [Samantha] Thank you. - [Maggie] Thank you.

- Happy birthday. - Oh, okay. That's my girl.

[laughs]

Ali?

[gasps] Happy birthday, Melly.

Thank you for coming.

Of course. I wouldn't miss it.

- [chuckles] - Ali, we haven't seen you in forever.

You do not age. You look amazing.

- Well, of course she looks amazing. - Yeah.

She doesn't have kids sucking the life out of her through her tits.

[chuckles]

I apologize in advance for anything they may say at any point tonight.

Please don't leave.

[Misty] Go fuck yourself, Paul!

- Fuck you! - [Samantha] Oh, shit.

Did somebody miss their nap time?

[chuckles]

- Okay, let's dance. - Okay.

Mel, come on. Birthday girl dance. Birthday girl dance.

[valet] Hey, sir.

[guest 1] Hi, Coop.

Coop, what's up?

- [guest 2] Hi, Coop. - Hey.

Sorry.

[Coop] Hey, Kat. How are you?

Looking good.

That was quite a picture.

Are you gonna do something about it?

I got out of bed, didn't I?

You've been spending a lot of time in bed recently.

Okay, is this about the girl?

Wow. Nailed it on your first try.

- And they say men are obtuse. - Sam...

I just thought you were better than that.

Well, better than Paul, at least.

Though, I have to admit, it's not a very high bar.

Okay. She was a former colleague.

She came by to drop some things off at the house.

She never even came inside.

She kissed you like someone who's fucked you.

Well, maybe some women just kiss that way.

There you are. Tori, can I get you over here for a minute?

- Why? - Nick wants a family photo.

I'm not his family.

That's what I'm talking about.

That wasn't for you.

Well, I'm gonna pretend it was.

Ah.

- You're late. - Yes. I'm sorry.

Cut me some slack, please. Will you?

What?

Okay, are you gonna tell me what's wrong or are you gonna stand there

- with your arms crossed? - Dad, all you get is slack.

Slack to be a shitty dad, husband, whatever, with no consequences.

Excuse me.

My life is one big consequence.

[scoffs] See, you want me to feel bad for you when this is all your fault.

Hey, for the record, I didn't choose any of this.

Okay, but you didn't fight, Dad.

It was your job to fight for Mom, for us.

Okay? You were the only one who could, and you just walked away.

Well, it was a little more complicated than that.

Right. And you made leaving look pretty fucking simple.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Jake. - Hey. I got this, Mr. Cooper.

- I know. Can you do me a favor? - Yeah.

Get the fuck out of my way.

Oh. Sure thing.

[Coop] Hey.

- Oh. Hey. - Hey. You came.

Yeah. Just in time to get my ass handed to me by our daughter.

Huh, well, I got a pass tonight.

For my birthday.

Well, happy birthday, Mel.

[chuckles] Wow. You went all out.

It's all right.

- [Nick] Hello, hello. Testing. - [crowd cheering]

- That's my cue. - [Nick] Hello.

[chuckles] Yeah, you can hear me. Okay, good.

- Where is Mel? - Hey.

Where are you, Mel? Ah, oh. There you go. [chuckles]

Come on, baby. I want you next to me for this.

Pretty please. [chuckles]

[crowd cheering]

Whoo. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Just let him do it.

You got it, you got it, you got it. Come on.

[Nick chuckles]

[crowd member] Yeah! Happy birthday!

[Nick] Yes. You're walking up here. [chuckles]

[crowd member] Happy birthday!

- I got you a drink. - Ah.

[Nick] Oh, my Mel. Thank you.

I know you didn't want this party, but... [chuckles]

...how could I not spoil you? I mean, look at you.

Ooh. Don't you hit me. It's true, right? [chuckles]

You teach me something new every day.

I'm my best self when I'm with you because I want to be better for you.

You guide me through space and time.

You speak to my soul.

I love you, babe. [chuckles]

[waiter] Sir.

Thank you. [chuckles]

So everyone, uh, raise your Meltinis for the birthday girl.

[cheering]

[stammers] Why don't you say something?

A little something.

[crowd laughing]

[crowd murmuring]

Can you grab a guitar for me inside?

Got it.

[murmuring]

Sorry. I am one of those people that needs to fill every awkward silence.

Uh, that was beautiful, Nick.

Literal tears. [chuckles] Um, yeah.

Uh, clearly an emotional moment for all of us.

- Give a round of applause to Nick! Yeah. - [crowd cheering]

Nick. Strong Ass Gym.

Um, that's a very tough act to follow.

But I'm just gonna steal this stool here from the...

Sorry, from the DJ. So...

[crowd laughing]

I would like to...

I would love to play a song in honor of the birthday girl.

[crowd] Aw. Yeah.

Oh, and, uh... [chuckles]

...I will be playing weeknights at the Tap Alehouse if you are so inclined.

[crowd chatters]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] Here we go.

[exhales sharply]

- [playing "Hold Me Now"] - ♪ I have a picture ♪

[crowd member] I love this song.

[Ali] ♪ Pinned to my wall ♪

♪ An image of you and of me ♪

♪ And we're laughing We're loving it all ♪

♪ But look at our lives now ♪

♪ All tattered and torn ♪

♪ We fuss and we fight And delight in the tears ♪

♪ That we cry until dawn ♪

♪ Oh, whoa ♪

♪ Hold me now, whoa ♪

♪ Warm my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start Let loving start... ♪

[laughing]

["Hold Me Now" continues]

- What happened to your leg? - What happened to your speech?

Don't fuck with me right now.

Hey.

You okay?

[scoffs, breathes deeply]

Eighteen years of marriage...

you never once asked me that.

Well, for what it's worth, I wish I had.

Ah.

Where did you get that?

They sell these at stores now.

But this I happened to get in Hunter's room.

Oh, well, great.

[sighs] Please. Don't worry about him now.

Worry about him when he gets better at hiding it.

Tell that to your mother.

She chewed me out in the supermarket the other day for being a bad parent.

[inhales deeply] I think that's just her way of saying she misses you.

- [sighs] - Maybe she's right.

Maybe we are fucking up our kids.

Well, she would know. She set the industry standard of terrible parenting.

Coop!

Okay.

Maybe we are fucking them up.

But please, give yourself a break.

Whatever we have done to them started way before the divorce, so...

To answer your question, I'm not okay.

Nothing feels real to me anymore.

I'm numb all the time.

I miss moments I can't ever get back every day.

Moments with the kids...

with my patients. My God. I'm a terrible fucking therapist right now. [sighs]

You're not a terrible therapist.

No, no. Trust me. You're not there.

Maybe it's not enough I fuck up our kids, I gotta fuck up everybody else's kids too.

It's good to have goals.

[chuckles]

It feels like I've been angry for so long.

I thought I was angry at you, but now you're gone, I'm still so angry.

I'm just fucked up.

You hide it very well.

Ow!

- ["Hold Me Now" continues] - [Ali vocalizing]

♪ You ask if I love you ♪

- ♪ Well, what could I say? ♪ - [laughing]

♪ You know that I do And this is just one ♪

♪ Of those games that you play ♪

♪ So, I'll sing you a new song ♪

♪ Please don't cry anymore ♪

♪ I'll even ask your forgiveness Though I don't know ♪

♪ Just what I'm asking it for ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ And hold me now, whoa ♪

♪ Warm my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start Let loving start ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Hold me now, whoa ♪

♪ Warm my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start Let loving start... ♪

Oh, hi.

Hi. [chuckles]

["Hold Me Now" continues]

Damn it.

- Probably should get that fixed. - [sighs] It's on the list.

[Ali] ♪ Warm my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let loving start Let loving start ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

[song ends]

[breathes heavily]

[winces]

[gasps, sighs]