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Okay folks, here they come and come, and lots of applause

Oh, look here, the marvelous Harry Secombe, the delightful Spike Milligan

Oh and Peter Sellers

This is the BBC home service

Another remarkable nineteen fifty-seven edition of the wireless

talking-type, Goon Show!

You sir, yes you with the linen hair and oily suit

And what is it that you want you sick and twisted boy?

I must ask you to empty your pockets

Ah, quit stalling man! Empty your pockets!

Now, listen to me, Neddy that is our worldly wealth

What, what, what, what, what, what, what?!

Then, what's that ominous bulge in the seat of his trousers?

Oh, just some leather meringues

Now, listen to me, my God man

We'd like to hire your stained glass battering ram

- Ooh, what for? - Uh, how about two schillings?

I haven't got two shillings

We'll take it anyway

No, you dirty, rotten swine

You broke my little castle store a stow away, I say! Come on out!

All right, I will come out

Send in Mr. Sellers

- Good morning - Good morning Mr. Sellers

- Now... - You Brenner?

Goodness, is that you with him?

Yes, now am I right in reading that you're here for the part of Ned Brockway?

Yes, that's right

You do realize that the script calls for a sixty-years old, war veteran?

I've got his voice worked out perfectly

Perhaps I could do a bit for you?

Mr. Sellers, I know you're quit big on radio

- Well, I don't like to boast - But film's a bit of a different medium

And it's one I'm quite, quite keen on

A visual medium, dear

- Yes, of course - A very unforgivingly visual medium

But thank you ever so much for coming

I am little Michael Bluebottle I'm an ace private detective

He's got hish own schcooter he's got his own, kneecaps

He goes anywhere in Finchley

And I am hotfoot after the criminals what have stolen all the string

- I suspect the Moriarty man? - Ah, where is that Moriarty man?

Thinks

- Points finger - Pointy, pointy, pointy

- Oh God, now we've done it - Oh, I'll get her Anne

No, that's all right, I'll go

No, Anne, it's my house, I'll help Peter

You're tired, you stay and rest

- Have some fun - Leave it to me and Peg

All right, dad... you can be Major Dennis Bloodnock

And you've just apprehended England's biggest string criminal

- All right, yes - Peter?

You're under arrest

Darling, it's all right, it's all right

- Dear, dear me - Look who's here

- That's the girl - Is it time for a change?

Sh... sh... sh... oh, she's so lovely

- There we are - Thanks Mum

I'll... I'll do it

Ooh, ohh, boo-boo-boo-boo

Those film people won't have anything to do with me, Mum

It was my fifth audition this week

- What did they say to you? - Same thing they always say to me

Not good-looking enough not magnetic enough, stick to radio, dear

that's what you're good at, keep being the ring master in a circus of twits

Maybe I should just be content

You simpering cow

How can you be content changing nappies in a four room flat like a woman?

You want to be a failure like your father? Keep mewing about contentment

- That's not very fair, Peg - I didn't bring you up to be content

I didn't slog around third-rate music halls, doing these shows a night

So you can powder your baby's bottom

And whine about how nobody ever gives the radioman a chance

Ah Peter, no one's gonna hand it to you

You want success you gotta go out and take it

Bite the hand that feeds you, then there's always be another hand with more food

And they'll be impressed by the sharpness of your teeth

Come you, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...

- I love you, Peter - I love you, Peg

- I really love you, Peter - I love you too, Peg

- I really love you, Peter - No, I really love you, Peg

Send in Mr. Cobblers

Good morning

- Good morning - Aye, it is

Ah, would you like to sit down, Mr. Cobbers?

I prefer to stand if you don't mind, ooh

You see, I caught a bit of shrapnel... in the Ardennes

Oh, I quite understand

Now, I don't appear to have received your C.V

Well, that could be because I don't have one madam

I don't believe a man's worth can be summed up on a piece of paper

It wouldn't be fair to me, or to you

Or to any of those dear lads I've left behind, in no man's land

- But you have acted? - All over this fair land, madam

Well, you have to have a formal audition, of course

- But I must say... you're nearly perfect - Well...

- Wai... oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - Oh! Oh, heavens, ah, oh

- Oh - Up there

Yes, well, that's what I was thinking

- It's me Peter - You naughty boy

Perhaps now we could talk about my contract?

Our nominees for best performance by a British actor, are

Richard Burton, Peter Finch Lawrence Olivier, and Peter Sellers

And the British Academy Award goes to, Peter Sellers for I'm Alright Jack

Your royal highness uh, you naughty man

Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, may I say, thank you very, very much indeed

For this wonderful award which I shall treasure

You know I went to consult an acknowledged expert about tonight

Someone who has published several pamphlets on this subject

My mother

And she told me to be short be sweet, and be circumscribed

Which I am

Don't we have any macaroons?

It would be nice to think me son were very happy then

And he might have been happy with good enough

Come here, but good enough was never what his mother had in mind

That boy needed a firmer hand

I don't know, maybe if Peg had let us all settle down in one place for long enough

If Peter had regular routine life

I might have been able to teach him something about life, the way I saw it

The straightforwardness of it

We had to keep show on road

I remember once, we were all in a café in Brighton having our tea

Peter would have been five, no probably six

We got down to the last cake on the plate

And before I could even ask who wanted to share it

Peter snatched it up, licked it all over

I took it off him, of course

He threw himself down on the floor screaming his bloody head off

Peg just laughed, she bought him sweets

Those bloody rages

Peter always got the last cake

- Even if it were on someone else's plate - Background Action

Mr. Sellers, what does it feel like to be co-starring with Sophia Loren?

Uh, soft, warm, a little like being a young boy in a bakery

Very early in the morning

There she is!

It's Ella, ah look

This way Miss Loren

Excuse me?

Which one of you gentlemen is Peter Sellers?

Welcome to England, Miss Loren

We've never had it so good

I'm so pleased Miss Loren to be telling me about your dreams

Oh Doctor, they started when I was a girl

A girl, Goodness, gracious me, that is a very good start

And what were you dreaming about as a girl?

Boys

- So you were being crazy for the boys - No

They were crazy for me

That is not so crazy

Such a funny boy

Excuse me, uh, Miss Loren, it's your husband

Ah, thank you, oh Carlo ciao amore, come estas?

Si

Get out of the way, I can't see

Open your eyes

Surprise

Wow

Daddy, what's in there?

And here we have this year's Formula One grand champion Michael Sellers

whom the press have dubbed the Human Lightning Bolt

and like any young professional

young sellers likes to give his equipment a careful once-over

It is this attention to detail that has allowed this intrepid speedster

to leave Sterling Moss in the dust last year at Aintree

Eyes clear, jaw fixed, the ambitious Sellers presents a portrait of determination

What's that sir?

What the bloody hell is that?

I'm going to phone the dealer hard-shell paint job, bollocks!

I'll murder him!

Come, see, Dad, come on

All right, I'm coming

Dad, come and see, please

I fixed it for you, I made it look beautiful it looks just like a racing car now

Dad? Don't you like it dad?

Dad?

You see Michael? I fixed all your toys for you

Aren't they beautiful?

Come on darling, we're going downstairs

Come on, it's all right

Two

- Michael? - Yes

- You know what happened this morning? - Yeah?

- You know daddy didn't mean it, don't you? - Yeah

- You know it's not your fault? - Yeah

He's working very hard and he just gets carried away sometimes

Okay

Michael? Can I see you for a second?

We're in here

Hi Mike, I've got a surprise for you

Say partner, come and say howdy to your new friend

- Give him some apple - Okay

Hello

- Amazing - Do you like it?

- I love him - Come around the front

- Look, Mum - I think he likes you

A big smile for daddy

- I thought, let's call him Fred - Fred

He's asleep

Tell me honestly, darling

Do you find it hard to believe that a woman like this could fall for a man like me?

Maybe it is something to do with the mystery of being in love

I'm afraid Min, we're going to have to take all these little cars to the toy hospital

It's just not charming anymore

That's good, I have to be more than charming, I've got to be passionate

I'm starring opposite the most beautiful woman in the world

Your son was terrified today

I'm under a lot of pressure I could use your support

You've always had my support Peter

it's my patience that I'm no longer sure about

Peter?

- Peter, what are you doing? - I've been bad

- Oh Peter, come out of there - No

Oh, hello

Can't you come down here and join the little people

- Peter - Yes my love?

Why can't we be a normal family?

We are

Sarah, here

- Keep waving to Daddy - Have a drink

- That's nice - Michael

I love you!

Bird singing in the sycamore...

- Champagne, Sophia? - Please

Little dream of me, oh, cha, cha

Thank you

Are you tired? I could give you a lift home after this, you know?

My home is Rome that's an awfully long drive, no?

Well, we do have all night

You are sweet, but the studio gives me a limo

Besides, you live so far out here in the country

It's out of your way to drive me into town

The great thing about being in town is you're so close to everything

Buckingham Palace is just across the way

You know, in case you need to borrow some sugar

It's not moving I mind, Peter

It's just not knowing I'm moving

Tadaa! Ksh

Oh, darling, I'd like you to meet Ted Levy

I've brought him on as our interior decorator

By royal appointment HRH you know, to lighten your load an all

Ted, Anne

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Sellers

He's a handsome devil isn't he? But I figure...

a handsome man probably will be able to make us a very handsome flat

- Yes - Well, I wouldn't go as far as that

Now Anne, Ted has got some brilliant ideas for this place

Mr. Levy, was it?

Ted

Ooh, cal time, I've gotta go

I must dash off

You two, choose away

Oh, have a drinkie-poo and make a night of it

Ted, whatever's fine with Anne is perfectly fine with me

Why don't I show you what I've got in mind?

- Darling, you made it - Oh, Peter

Isn't your wife joining us?

Andre

What would sir and madam say to a little fish?

I'd probably say, "Hello, little fish"

Thank you

To us, my darling

You are wonderful

I just can't believe my luck

Ah, you are lucky, how?

We're going to be very happy together

It's so dark in here, huh?

Ah, yes, well... we have to take precautions, you know

What do you mean, precautions?

Should we... should, tell the world? Stop all this sneaking about?

But Peter, I thought we were having a friendly dinner

I'd be a relief to you, too Ponti's such a nice man

It must be hard lying to your husband

I think you are mistaken

Go home to your children and, go home to your wife, Peter

She's right, they should be the first to know

Well, what do you think?

Does this mean you want a divorce?

Oh, you know I hadn't thought about it, not necessarily

Do you still love us?

Of course I do, sweetheart

Just, not as much as I love Sophia Loren

- What he's talking about - I don't know, darling, come here

Hello, Ted?

It's Anne Sellers

Uhm, I'm glad you're there I've had an idea about the color

Well I was wondering if we could meet

Yes, yes, that would be lovely

I'll see you there

George, how are you?

Hello, are you enjoying being Sophia's stand-in?

Yes

Have you ever ridden in the back of a Rolls Royce?

- Why no - Next best thing to a Bentley

Anne?

Michael?

You awake?

Hi, Dad

What is it?

Your mother is sleeping with the interior decorator

- Where are the children? - They're at Peg's

If you leave this flat I'm going to jump off this balcony

Don't make me any promises, Peter

All right! I'll meet you downstairs

I had you followed, the detectives asked me if I wanted to see any pictures

I told them no, I thought that was rather chivalrous

How considerate

You are not to leave this house again, I forbid it

Come back here

Anne!

I do love you

I'm so fucking bored of the little boy!

Why can't you be a man?

You're a miserable, lying, shit, I hate you

I'll meet you downstairs

- And, cut! - That was cut

Check the gate

Could we do it again please? I didn't quite feel it

There's no time darling, fix it in post

Oh, all right

This way, Mrs. Sellers

Oh, Peter, I love you so much I'm so sorry I hurt you

I should never have slept with Ted

You're the best lover I've ever had

I'm going down to the lobby to tell Ted that I never want to see him again

And then we'll go out to your favorite restaurant, and eat a sumptuous meal

And after that I'm going to make love to you

Like no wife has ever made love to her husband before

- I'm just going to freshen up, and then... - I'll meet you downstairs

That's much better

She's gone, Mum

You're all right, you're with Peg now

I thought if I just gave the world a little push, it would all fall into place

- Well, at least you tried, dear - Perhaps I should call, Anne

She left you, let her go

I just don't know what's going to happen next

Don't you worry my little boy, the future's ours now

And there are many ways of finding it

Turn the light out, Bill

Mr. Sellers? Maurice Woodruff, you wish to see me

Roger Moore speaks very highly of you

As he should, come, the future is this way

You are aware that green is the unluckiest color in the spectrum?

- It is? - It's positively fatal

- You feel better? - Immensely

So, what else is troubling you?

You're the fortuneteller shouldn't you already know?

Even fortune's pump needs priming

Uh, I keep making changes

you know, big ones and little ones

Always hoping that the next one will be the right one

I lost weight, I bought new clothes

I changed my radio job for a film career

I changed my marriage into a divorce

Nothing makes me happy the way that I'm supposed to be happy

One can't be happy, if one's lonely

Spirits are telling me that there will be many pretty ladies, in your life

You see, Peter you don't mind if I call you Peter?

- No - You like pretty ladies?

You're quite a perceptive man, Maurice

Hello, ladies, yes, it is me

A very good day to you sir welcome to our showroom

It's absolutely delightful

As you can see, we... we do have all the latest models

- Here's a sporty little number - Mm, superb

Or, perhaps something more along these lines

Big grille on this one

Oh, yes, sir, I have one of these myself, sir

- May I? - Please

Ah, the Germans are amazing, aren't they? How about, engine noise?

Well, she'll certainly growl when you're hard on the floor, sir

Rest of the time, silent as a kitten

Me-ow

So, what will it take to get sir into one of these today?

A test drive

Emma, how fast do you run the quarter mile?

Honestly, Mr. Sellers

Thank you Emma, that'll be all

Blake Edwards, is shooting a David Niven movie, in Rome and Switzerland

Starts filming next week, wants you

- Next week? - Mm-hmm

He obviously hasn't wanted me for that long

It's a supporting part

Peter Ustinov's pulled out

Oh, well, yes of course, I'll do it

Any part not good enough for Ustinov, is perfectly fine for me

- Peter - I'm not taking Ustinov's sloppy seconds

I won the fucking British Academy Award for god's sake!

Are you going to overreact

or are you going to listen to why your very smart agent wants you to do this?

Apparently I'm going to overreact

Go on

Blake Edwards is the hottest director in Hollywood right now

"Days of Wine and Roses" "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

He can get anyone he wants and Peter, he wants you

United Artist is putting a lot of weight behind this picture

It's gonna get very wide very international release

Now, you may be a big star in Britain, love

but the folks in Duluth have never heard of you

Well, we're even I've never heard of Duluth

It's in United States

Oh, that Duluth

It's called "The Pink Panther"

Sounds like a bloody strip joint, for poofs

Please, try mine

Excuse me but aren't you Peter Sellers?

Not today

Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to make our final approach into Rome International

- Uh, excusez-moi - Please take your seat, sir

Please ensure your seatbelts are fastened and your seats are in the upright position

- Sir - Yes, I'm looking for my trunk

- Your trun? - What?

- Y... you said trun? - I know perfectly well what I said

Right, I don't understand

Are you not familiar with Her Majesty's tongue?

Yes, I am, and I can assure you the word trun, does not exist in our language

Then I demand to speak to the person in charge

I am the person in charge, sir

- Ah, then I demand to speak with you - Uh... you are speaking to me

Of course I'm speaking with you

What kind of a crazy stewardess thinks a passenger stands speaking with himself?

What kind of a passenger puts everyone's lives at risk just before a landing?

Our lives are at risk?

Our live are not at risk

Now sit down and belt up I'm getting completely lost

Lost?

Yes, I have a sly instinct of emergency

- Do not fear, read another magazine - French twit

I want you to go very quietly and speak with the pee-lot

- Pee-lot? - What?

You said pee-lot

I know very well what I said

I have a funny feeling we might be landing in Rome sooner than we think

Do be careful Mr. Sellers

Carol, our guest has arrived will you take his coat, please?

And he also looks a little thirsty, Jill?

Ah yes, Switzerland, of course

Come here Jill

- Hi, Greg Anderson - Running things on a shoestring, I see

- Well, welcome to Hollywood - This is Italy

Hollywood is a state of mind

I've got one or two ideas about Clouseau

- Couple bits of business I'd like to... - Peter

The script will be shot as written

- Yes but in the bedroom scene... - I mean it

You believe this guy?

Okay, you look great

Let's shoot this, now this is where we introduce Clouseau

And we tip off the audience that your wife is David's mistress

Now, we're kind of in a hurry because we only have...

Niven until two o'clock so I'd like to get this in one take

- Ready? - Set go

Okay, he's only got one line just keep him in the frame, okay?

Whatever he does Henri, you wanna take your mark?

Okay, one ninety-two, A, take one

Action

We must find that woman

Is that what you said?

- Tell me you got that - We got it!

Testing

On the set of Pink Panther in Gstaad Switzerland with Peter Sellers

Peter, how are you able to inhabit your characters so successfully?

Uh, well, you see, I don't really have any personality of my own

There used to be a me behind the mask, then I had it surgically removed

I don't know, if I didn't have characters like Clouseau, I don't know who I'd be

Perhaps I'd be you

But then, if I were you who would you be?

- You - Uh, that's very good

So... word is you're stealing this movie from David Niven

No, no, no, no, no, that's ridiculous

This, this is such a team effort

David Niven, is one of the cinemas most distinguished leading men

One can learn a lot from people like that, you know

Terrific, Blake talk tomorrow about that

Good show, the frogs will never forgive you, well done

- Thank you David - Genius

I'm not supposed to tell you but, United Artist already wants a Clouseau sequel

- Who's directing? - Oh probably some hack

I'm dead fucking serious

- Peter, relax - You're not suggesting you would?

- What are you talking about? - I was bloody awful up there

If that's what your gonna get out of me I don't think I want to repeat the experience

You're blaming me for your performance?

- So you agree, I was awful - I thought you were brilliant

- What the fuck do you know? - Peter

We're all going out you just have to come

Ah, hello, young-hee

- So-mee - Oh, that's so you

I knew there was a pronoun involved

Blakey, aren't you coming?

meanwhile, on the American entertainment beat

Crowds continue to flock to see The Pink Panther

One avid patron, waiting in line to see the film for the third time

was heard to remark

I love foreign films, Peter Sellers is my absolute favorite French actor

Peter, you've got a hit you shouldn't be here

How long has he been like this?

Since last Monday

You didn't tell me

Peg said you couldn't come

Well I'm here now, dad

Pete, bloke in the next bed

I promised him your autograph

- I'll get right on to that dad - He'll like that

I told him...

my son...

was a special boy

No let him rest now

Let him rest

The reporters they'll want some remarks

You didn't call me

Hello, is Spike there?

Oh, do you know when he'll be back?

All right, no, bye

- Is Harry there, please? - Peter, its uh... it's Harry

How are you? Is there anything I can do?

No, no, no, I'm fine I'm looking after Mike

and I just thought you might like to pop over for a beer

To be honest Peter, I'm up north, so...

- Oh, is that today? I forgot, yeah - Why don't we say Monday?

- Uh, right - Ying tong, mate

Yiddle! Poo!

Mike, put that down put that down, please

Thank you

Go to your room

Whoo

Here it is, here it is

Welcome to my humble chapeau

Hmm, hmm

Ooh

Mmm, God

I, I don't seem to be able to get it in

Just hang on...

- Good evening, Mr. Sellers - Huh?

Oh, Christ

You nearly gave me a heart attack

You're a hard man to get a hold of

- Not lately - God

Linda, I'd like you to meet Stanley Kubrick

It's nice to meet you

So, uh, Peter, Columbia won't let me make my next picture without you

- Awfully insightful of them - Yeah

- What's the part? - All of them

What, the whole film?

You can destroy the world, Peter

Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri

Clear and plain and coming through fine

Yes, it's good that you're fine, and, and I'm fine

And I agree with you it's great to be fine

Now then, Dimitri you know how we've always talked

about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb?

The Hydrogen bomb

Now what happened is, one of our base commanders... he had a sort of, well

he went a little funny in the head, just a little funny

You know? And he went and did a silly thing

Oh, now don't be mad at me, Dimitri

Remember that time we were dancing with Natalia?

You remember Natalia the girl with the huge, arthritic problem

Sorry Stan

I can assure you, I can assure you Major Bat Guano, if that is indeed your name

Do... put that gun away and stop this nonsense

The court inquiry on this is gonna come down on you like a ton of bricks

The court inquiry on this is gonna give you... give you such a pranging

Mr. Sellers?

Ah, Hillary, what happened to my luncheon?

Ah, you... uhm... your mother's here

Shall I tell her you're in make-up?

No, I'll be right there

You missed Sarah's birthday

Peter, you know the press pay a lot of attention to that sort of thing

You know, liebchen, that is not chicken that you're eating

Anyway, I told the man at the times that you were busy filming, but you'd sent your love

and that nothing was more important to you than your children

Mm, I think he was satisfied with that

Oh, uh...

Sarah made you that

Eat your lunch

You know, in the coming years the nuclear family as we know it

will have ceased to exist

All human requirements will be dealt with, cleanly and efficiently

Nourishment, leisure pastimes

Sexual partners

All these problems will be regulated by the state

So you see there will be no need for food

Arggh!

Or mothers!

How was lunch with your son, Mrs. Sellers?

I don't know, really, I didn't see him

Anybody home?

In here, hello, you

Annie, Annie, Annie, Mm

- Sarah Sellers? - I'm Sarah

Oh, there you go then, dearie

Let's open it

For seven-year-old Sarah

Maybe one day I'll teach you to ride it, love, daddy

Just sign here, ma'am

Go and have a look, love

Thanks

Boys, boy, I said boy, I said boy

Boys, lets' get this thing on the hump we got some flying to do

- Flying to do - Flatter

I'm not playing a bomber pilot what can I do with that? Crammed in there

Oh, look

Let me just hear it again let me hear it again

Three characters is enough three characters is enough...

Three is a good number

You're being paid for four

You're stretching me too thin Stanley

Who do you think I am? Who do you think I am?

I think you're whoever I want you to be

Then who am I now? Then who am I now?

Peter, have you ever heart of mutually assured destruction?

Hum a few bars and I'll join in

It refers to when both sides in an atomic conflict are so powerful

that if either side were to take action

It would inevitably result in the total annihilation of all concerned

I find this concept can be applied to many situations

You're a peculiar fucker, Stan

Wait, Peter

Peter

Clear the lattice please and finish off this painting

You've got no idea what it's like to be me

we haven't got time

Absolute control is a useful thing

Eliminate the personal element and you can get so much more done

This was a realization that Peter Sellers never had to face

because there was no person there to begin with

He was a vessel, into which, characters and personalities ran like phantoms

But even an empty vessel can become too full

I'm not getting it!

I'm useless!

Sarah... your father is a useless, talentless, empty man

Did you know that?

- Yes, daddy - Right then

Dad?

Use the other loo, Mike, I'm busy

I don't have to go, dad

Please open the door

- What do you want? - Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right I'm not all right at all

You see, I can't find the voice for Major King Kong

That's all anybody hires me for

I can't find it because it's not there!

- Dad? - Your dad doesn't exist

Where's the bloody seconal?

Dad, when I didn't want to play rugby at school, I said I was sick when I wasn't

They let me sit in the nurse's office, she was very pretty

Was she?

Morning, Stan

Afraid I had a spot of bother getting out of a cab last night

Damned nuisance

The doctor assures me it's only a hairline crack

Just don't let the insurance chaps find out

Blake Edwards has got this new Panther script and uh, Sellers is waffling

so, uh... if you could help convince him to do it

Exactly, right, blake Edwards

I'll have my girl wire the money today, what's the account?

The Midland Bank, Mayfair Branch account number 46-25-01

Right, thanks, bubeleh

Not at all, pleasure doing business with you

Oh, a word of advice for free

Don't even think of driving a red or a white car this weekend

- Okay, thanks - Not at all

So... Fsh... Pink Panther no, no, too obvious

Blake Edwards, mm, B.E.

Well, hooray for Hollywood

That's extraordinary

Oh Peter, this is good news

You're gonna become involved with a very special person

It's gonna spawn a very fruitful partnership

Do you know I'm even getting the initials?

It's uh... ah, V.E.

It's uh V.P., V.E., V.P. V.E. no, B. B.E.

Peter, you must not let this person go

Destiny's already written this chapter of your life

You must act positively

Yeah? So... say with me, B.E.

- B.E. - B.E.

- B.E. - B.E.

- B.E. - B.E.

Mr. Sellers, sir?

Oh

What?

Mr. Sellers, are you in there?

- Mr. Sellers - Go away

Are you sure you're all right, sir?

Yes I am

Just take your fresh fruit and shove it up your ass

Right-O, sir thank you very much, sir

Britt Ekland

Hello, Britt, you must be Britt

You're Britt Ekland

I'm Peter

Peter Sellers, but call me Peter, baby

Oh, sorry

Pow, yow, sss

B.E.

P.S.

That's nice

l like Swedes, mashed

Hello, I'm Peter, Peter Sellers

Like you, I didn't have much on this evening

and I wanted to know if you'd like to go and see a movie

Hmm?

I think I'm in love with you

- But you've just met me - Then it's still fresh in my mind

- Cookie? - Yes, please

That's very, very good just look here, look here, super

Super, yes, that's right now just look here

Look here, good

Very nice, I'll come in closer

Oh, it's all right, I've met this sofa

We're on intimate terms

Yes, now, oh work with me, that is good

Thinks: must take up photography as full-time job

Now I need to get in closer come the full length, come the full length

Yes, mind if I sit here?

Oh God, I haven't felt leather like this on my thighs since the Third Reich

Yee-poot, let's get rid of that there

Truly, truly beautiful

She is the most extraordinary girl

Like a tulip about to bloom

Absolutely exquisite phenomenal in bed

It is funny, isn't it?

I keep saying that I'll never get hooked again

That I'm tired of having my heart bleed

Yet here I am I think I want to marry her!

That is, if you think it's okay

Oh, decisions, decisions...

Would you like to come to my suite, my sweet?

Drive on James, now

Ooh, it's the cops of normal it's all right officer, I'm fully licensed

Oh, so sorry my darling, oh

Care to put on some music, love?

- It doesn't work - Ah, well, don't trouble yourself sweetheart

There are many ways of making beautiful music

Cheers

It's a bit dark in here could you get the curtains, darling?

It's that little switch, there

You make me feel so young

You make me feel like spring has sprung

And every time I see you grin I'm such a happy, individual

The moment that you speak...

I wanna go play hide and seek

I wanna go and bounce the moon just like a toy balloon

You and I... are just like a couple of tots

running cross the meadow

Picking up lots of forget-me-nots

You made me feel so young

- What do you say? - You made me feel there's something's up

Would you care to become the second Mrs. Sellers?

place to belong and wonderful thing to be young, and even when I'm...

Better hurry up, love, I've only got the band for another half hour

I'm gonna feel the way I do, today

Cause you make me feel so young

You make me feel so young

I love you, Peter!

Oh, you hear that folks?

- She loves me on magnetic, striped film - Here we go! Here we go!

Daddy, let's go over there

So Peg, what do you think of the new cottage?

You're watering the gin

Well, in your case perhaps that's not a bad idea

You've only known that bleeding Nazi for three weeks

Peg, I couldn't be happier

Why are you making the same mistake all over again?

Because, my love they won't let me marry you

Mr. Sellers, how's about a shot of you and your mum?

So where are you going for your honeymoon?

Where else, Peg? Hollywood, U.S. of A.

- Happy, darling? - I'm about to be

Oh, that's good, oh, that's good, oh my God you are very good, in uh... wait, wait, wait

- Ah - Wait

- No - Breath, breath, breath in

- Are you sure you're my wife? - What do you mean?

Because no wife should be that good in the sack

Is that what I look like?

Just, one minute

Oy!

- Arrgh! - Peter?

- Arrgh! Arrgh! - Peter?

- Argh, Britt call the doctor, would you? Oh - Peter

- Here we go - Blood to lab

Just, try to breath, Peter

Oh, would you wait outside Mrs. Sellers?

- It's gonna be fine - No

Please

He's arrested

- Okay, let's charge to one twenty - One twenty

Clear

- No pulse - And so the news...

- Peter, come on - in theater, Peter Sellers

who is tonight fighting for his life in a California hospital

Mr. Selllers has suffered a serious setback

His condition is said to be grave and deteriorating

No pulse

Clear

There you go

Oh God, mother

Mother, we've only been married for six weeks

They don't know, mother I don't know

- Patient's coded, Doctor - Damn! He's gone again

- Okay, charge to one eighty - One eighty

Clear

Although we have been informed that his father, Mr. William Sellers also succumbed

having come to fame some years ago as a member of the BBC's "Goon Show"...

- Both channels - Mr. Sellers has enjoyed...

an extremely successful career

- Clear - Still no pulse

- Charge to two forty - Two forty

Clear

Come on Peter, come on

Please do give my regards to your president of costumes...

And I thought I knew something about the movie scene

Produce their machine

Peter, I think you've had a little too much...

It is essential that we do not have fear...

No hesitation

Well, you've got enough for...

Without having any more contact

Tell the world

Oh, it's me, right away!

Arrgh!

Okay, we got him back let's get an I.V. in

Quiet, okay?

Hello children

Can I have a little fairy kiss?

The spirits have spoken daddy's come back from the dead

And nothing can ever hurt him again

Peter!

Peter?!

Peter!

You're still weak

This isn't taking care of yourself

From now on there'll be no more characters

No more costumes

Starting next week, the world's gonna get a look at the real, Peter Sellers

What's next week?

Who are you? How did you get past my guards?

Good evening, darling my name is Bond

James Bond, you know

Aren't you going to do something funny?

- Cut! - Cameras cut! First positions everyone!

- How're we doing Peter? - We're going again!

Uhm fell free to uh, improvise

We're doing a spoof here, remember?

I'm playing it straight as myself, like Cary Grant

That's funny, yeah!

Ha! That's, that's very good, yeah, yeah

Satirical, yeah

Good evening, darling my name is Bond

James Bond

My God, but you're lovely

Ouch! Shisa!

That was great! Genius!

Well, we meet again, I had a feeling you wouldn't give up so easily

Bloody Christ, when are you coming back to the set?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Seeing as we're three weeks behind schedule, yeah, I would

You know, Joe, I think today is not a lucky day, not lucky at all

The voices are telling me not to risk it

I hear voices too, Peter

And you know what they tell me?

They tell me that if you're not on the set by this afternoon

both your legs are gonna be broken!

I don't think we're hearing the same voices

Peter, you wanker! Get back here, now!

- Hello - Just answering nature's call

I'm not feeling very well

Darling, there are lots of other bathrooms in the house

That's not what I meant

- What? - I'm pregnant

Oh, well... I suppose you'll have to, you know...

What?

Well, have an abortion, sweetheart I'm sure it can be arranged

No, I want this child

- I've got two already, have one of mine - Peter

I want to be a mother to our child

I've always given you room for what you needed

- Darling, is now the right time? - Yes

You are healthy, we are in love

Peter, let's have this baby

- Bombs away - Oh, plop

Well, you hurry up and I go and call mother

Keep breathing, love

Hospital's just up ahead, I think

All right lads, let's give her some air

- Britt, how are you doing? - Oh, I'm fine

So how does it feel the third time around Mr. Sellers?

Ecstatic, absolutely thrilling

You'll be fine, just, make it quick we start filming in a week

- Mr. Sellers? - Don't you worry Mrs. Sellers

You'll be all right we'll take care of you

Goddamn it!

Cut!

Take the fucking baby and get the hell off the set

Peter, please, she's fine now

- Off! - No

- My big scene's coming up - Not anymore

Fine, you do it, ciao

- Yes? - Is that my Peter?

Hello, Peg what's the news from the front?

I'm in a hospital it's the old heart, Peter

Oh, well we all know about that one, dear

You'll be up and about in no time

Hmm, that's not what the doctors say

They're just trying to bump up their fee, Peg

If they say you're dying and you walk out under your own steam

they can claim to have saved your life

Come home love, I need to see you

Nonsense, Peg, all you need is a wash and-brush-up and you'll be as good as new

Uh, it's not like that

- Listen... - Just a minute

Your boy is needed Peg, you understand

I'm a star now

These people can't do a thing without me

It's everything you ever wanted

I love you Peter

I'll see you soon, we'll go to tea

Peter?

See how strong he was?

Most men would have crumpled at "I love you, Peter", but not my son

He came through like a champion

A star has an obligation to himself

Family weighs you down

You think he was cruel to me?

Of course he was, that just means that he'd learned his lesson

There are no rungs for the weak on the ladder of success

And my Peter was a strong climber

Real stars don't have time for tears

Can I get you anything my darling?

Hmm?

Oh Peter, there's nothing you could have done

Mm?

It's not your fault

It's not your fault

There's nothing you could have done

- Oh, Peter, stop it - Oh, Peter, stop it, stop it, Peter

Christ woman can't you say anything real?

First of all, you can't act, and you can't stop

- You... - Just shut up!

- You bastard! - Am I? Am I You've no idea

- Fuck you! - Oh, fuck you!

You hit me with me mum

Fuck you, Peter! Fuck you and your mum!

Mama, mama, ma

Birdie, num, num

Oh dear

Well, Mr. Sellers

- Hello - Who would like to look like?

Why Doctor, I'd like to look like you

You know how they clean theater now? They put on one of my films

It's so much easier to Hoover between the empty seats

Now, of course, I've found something I really want to do

And I can't get anyone to give me the cash

I've read this ten times in the last year

The main character is a man with no self, no discernible personality

I find myself thinking about this man a great deal

- About how sad he is? - No, about how marvelous his life must be

He has no future no past, no responsibilities

He's simple

Boring, an absolute blank people expect nothing from him

And then love it when they get just that

This is going to be my next film

- Are you absolutely sure about that? - Absolutely

Cause, uh... you do have a choice, you know?

Have you read it?

I've uh... I've made some notes I think it could be very funny

- I don't like choice, Maurice - Ah, you're so full of doubt

How can we make that doubt go away?

We know, don't we?

Peg?

Peg, can you hear me?

Peg sees you, Peter

Hello Peg, I love you Peg

What do you need from me dear?

I don't know what to do next my heart's been troubling me

And I think... I think my mind

Shh, Peg's here she's always with you, Peter

Now, I've had a look at your heart, and your heart's fine

Now, what you need to do is work

You give so much joy to so many people, Peter

I can see it from here

Do it for me, for your mother

Do another Pink Panther

You sure, Peg? Are you really sure?

It'll be a huge hit, and that'll give you the power to make "Being There"

I hear this one's not coming to a theatre near me

The studio deemed its box office potential as, uh, limited

Then I suppose this comes at just the right time

I could never be this broke

It wasn't easy for me to come here, Peter

Why? Did your limousine break down?

I considered making you kiss my ass

Not after that script's been through it

Still the funniest bastard around

Look, Peter I didn't come here out of desperation

I think it's a good idea and I can't do it without you

You need the money, I don't

And I certainly don't need the aggravation that you are undoubtedly gonna bring me

What if I told you to fuck off?

I'd say your ex-wives will be very disappointed in that attitude

Fuck my ex-wives

I have, now I know why you divorced them

Blakey, you are the one son of a bitch who really understands me

- God, I love you - Oh, I love you, Peter

How sad is that?

This script could be terrific

we'll give it the Sellers Edwards touch I've got lots and lots of ideas

Yeah, we, we start shooting in six weeks

Better make it eight

- Peter? - I'm calling the shot here

Dear God, I am a whore!

Blake, this is sure to be another stunning success for you, how does it feel?

- Well deserved, I can assure you - Thank you

Ah, Blakey, is it good to be on...

- Isn't it? - Mm-Hmm

Hello my dear friends, thank you so much for coming out tonight

I have something I'd like very much to say to you all

We would not all be here this evening

If it were not for the efforts of one man

One man whose vision you'll soon see writ large on the silver screen

I am, of course referring to Mr. Blake Edwards

Now get him up there, folks

Come on, Blakie! Up you come!

Jolly good

- Come Blake, take a bow - Thank you, thank you, thank you

Let me tell you something ladies and gentlemen, about this man

He is absolutely talent less

No, but seriously no one, and I repeat that

No one has managed to do so much... having so very little

Come on, gimme that

People ask me why do I keep compromising my artistic integrity

By walking in front of Blake's camera's

And you know what I tell them?

- Money - It's true

That and the knowledge that no matter how bad the picture is

I'll always be the best thing in it

- Thank you - Oh look, he's bashful, folks

Why shouldn't be he?

In an industry that worships mediocrity...

you Blake, truly have added new luster to the term, middling talent

So enjoy the show if that's at all possible

I, uh... I knew we should have gotten Ustinov

Good afternoon, you've reached the home of Peter Sellers

Mr. Sellers is unable to take your call at the moment

as he is off leading a normal life

Please leave your message after the series of tones

Oh, hi dad, it's me Mike, I tried you on the boat

But Sarah thought you might be in Switzerland

Anyway, mum told me about the operation

You know, the pacemaker and everything that must be fun

I know how you like gadgets, ha ha

Well, uh... anyway uh... I hope you're, uh, you're okay

Uh, right, take care dad, bye

I'm just an old salty sea dog

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay

Peter, are you in there?

Will you give me a Goddamn break already

You know something Sellers? You are a major league pain in the ass

Peter?

Was he difficult? This was Hollywood, he was a star

Of course he was difficult

You know who's not difficult? Troy Donahue

Christ, I need a smoke

I worked with Sellers for what? Twenty years, on and off

Six movies

I never laughed so hard I never cried so hard

The last straw?

There were endless last straws

You say, "last straw", five seconds later, you're saying, "action"

I can't explain it

He was like watching a cobra

You're mesmerized

What did he do after me?

The only thing he never gave up on

They all want me to be a clown

They'll pay me millions to be a French mustached, karate-chopping twit

But this is so much more

What do you want to do, Peter?

Isn't that what I just asked you?

Oh, shut up

- Yowza - Huh?

Ain't you the gentleman this morning?

I'm gonna go now

- Yes - You're gonna need somebody

You oughta find yourself a lady, Chance

Guess it oughta be an old lady

Cause you ain't gonna do a young one any good

Not with that little thing of yours

You're always gonna be a little boy, ain't you?

Bye Chance

Bye Louise

Excuse me? Excuse me aren't you Peter Sellers?

Yes I am

Would you mind?

Thank you, thank you very much I mean you're, you were a...

the man, that's it

You're always gonna be a little boy, ain't you?

- Bye, Chance - Bye, Louise

Mr. Edwards? Pardon me but have you seen Mr. Sellers?

No, and he's twenty minutes late, did he call?

No, he's here I think maybe you should see him

Ta-da

Peter?

You can't come in here

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