Original subtitles

♪ Murder most horrid

♪ Murder most horrid... ♪

Excuse me, are you er...?

No, are you famous? No.

Oh, too bad.

How was last night's harvest?

Oh, cheer up.

We're only one fish bone away from

Everyone seems stuck

It's not a land, just a queue.

Mmm, apparently.

I hate it when I cough in here.

Heard of David Flint? Yeah. Prick.

No, new senior exec responsible for

I was summarising.

Why? Is he after my department?

Even if you think

How stupid?

So - obituaries.

What are your plans for next year?

Er... I don't know.

Maybe... a Pope?

Good!

What else?

I'm wondering whether it's possible

into his news department as a whole

Er... well... there are times when

And when can you anticipate

Give me something to green light

Oh dear. You see, I seem to be

quite a lot from you people.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello? Flint.

Mum!

Hello!... Well, put him on, then!

Dad. Hi.

Well, I'm proud of you guys, too!

FLINT LAUGHS

My future plans?! I know. I mean,

I know. Why don't you say you need

He's after me, too. You?

FLINT LAUGHS

Mutant! Don't share that thought

I am not that stupid!

Sorry, but my mum and dad are...

Brother and sister?

♪ I was the one

♪ Making all of the passes... ♪

Excuse me, is he dead?

No. Well, then - do you mind?

Something wrong?

'Dear God...

'Just wanted to say, things are

'Wondering if you had anything

'I could do with some clients

I mean, no pressure. But next time

and see someone you want to meet -

GROANING

'Reports are coming in that Zack

'has been hit by a car.'

'Well-wishers have been massing

'According to

'Mr Mitchell

'A spokesman for Norford hospital

'refused to confirm

OK, people - change of plan, Barry.

Sheila, we're confirming

Are we going on

No. Piss off, then.

Jill Tanner. The Middle East

Quick, Jill, we're on air.

Harry, Mitchell was dead on arrival

Yeah. I've got a source

They're denying he's there to get

Sheila, we've changed

Finally, Zack Mitchell has been

Good night, Corinne.

That desk, there -

Must cost a bit to clean. You should

It's not real.

It's a special effect.

It's a virtual set.

Look.

It's free.

Ahh! We should use some of them

Mmmm.

Night, Harry. Norford. What?

It's where Jill lives, isn't it?

Nothing.

'Zack Mitchell will be remembered as

'such as his outspoken attacks

'on Sainsbury's parking and

'Zack Mitchell, who died today.

DOORBELL

Hi. Just noticing your car.

Thought we should chat

Oh. Noel Edmonds will do

Took him four tries

Speaking of which, is young

Well, you've had a stroke of luck.

Harry... er... Harry...

I've done something.

You might consider it...

Jill...? Jill?

Jill? Hello?

DOOR SLAMS

I bumped into Zack Mitchell

What? Well, he collapsed drunk out

Just as I was praying

What have you done? Well, erm...

I did what anyone in my position

I er... gave him a lift.

So, you're awake, then?

You're insane!

Including a pulse! Only in reality

I'm dead, then? Of course you're

It's the latest crazed idea

which I've just broadcast

I started a rumour on the Internet

Why? Because I want people to...

I have less future than him -

I'll just make a call. Know anyone

Actually, can I make a proposition?

Yes - would you mind dying?

It would be awfully good for us.

I'm outta here. If you do die, Zack,

you save my department. And his job.

And your career!

Which, let's face it,

Last two singles - poo! Hey,

Right. So death is a remedy

Who are you, the reviewer from

It's the difference between

Zack, I want to make you

How many major stars get to

You've got two -

And you! But he's not dead! Am I

Where will you be in two years?

Or a has-been pin-up available for

and presenting on Channel 5?

So you want me to die? You don't

Do you? Let me explain. Did you

Or the war?

We can't just say he's dead!

We do! People think

It was Petra - two Petras.

Whatever. But how many of those

There's a reason

Even if you could do this -

no-one thinks he's a rock legend!

They don't know what they think -

But public opinion counts! Which is

Rock legend sounds good...

Yeah. To me it does.

What about friends and family?

If he trusts them, he can tell them.

My mum's senile, my wife left me -

We don't need an actual funeral -

What?!

Masses of celebrities

The drunks won't know any different.

Daytime game-show hosts

Peter Mandelson... Just promise me

I don't want to talk about it.

My feelings for my ex-husband

I want to come to terms with

Sorry. I'm going to hang up now.

Listen, all we need is...

We just need...

Some...

Some help. I still have

I don't... Can you find the Blue

I don't know! Get the usual clip!

Oh! You see, the public feel they

They've lost someone, too.

Oh. Heartless bitch!

Know anyone on the Sun or Mirror?

Hello. Found a girlfriend?

Very busy, Derek. Big day. I'm

You phoned it in, yeah?

The local police are a bit confused.

Erm...

Listen, there are 4,000,000,000

No wonder you can't get a

Don't worry, I've dealt with Derek.

Middle East. You need a new dump

It gets worse. Upstairs don't think

Tell them to watch the One O'Clock

People ask why

And I think, there's no way they'll

When I first came here

something connected -

Suddenly I knew that when I die -

and I hope

but when I die,

Maybe... maybe the best part.

Yep - that's good. We'll have to

Harry, can you point the mike

This is more difficult

Hurry up, I want this on the news -

Right, come on. When I die -

and I hope

but when I die,

Maybe... maybe the best part.

The late Zack Mitchell.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Jill.

Come on, Zack, pick up -

Zack. Zack!

Yeah, I know, I'm dead.

they're going to go ahead

Record sales are through the roof!

I wish I'd lived to see it. Best of

Apparently, people have rung in

Shame it doesn't exist. We'll give

Great.

Oh, this is really working.

The Sun and Mirror both lead

and her lack of reaction

"Heartless bitch," says The Sun.

And "Don't cry for Zack,

Zack was a very special person.

Er... Someone who touched

I was one of those people.

One of the lucky ones who...

How much will we keep?

Look,

It's so much easier when you find

Remember Frank Sinatra? Lovely.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello?

Er... problem.

They know. How? They can't do

Derek's girlfriend is a police...

Yeah. Well, here's what we'll do.

Nothing! They know! The news is in

The police want to talk to us! Yep.

We need to show a freephone number.

I'll get all the calls put through

In the newsroom.

What...? Don't question me

Uri Geller, Uri Geller, Uri Geller.

The Prime Minister declined

Get this up to the gallery now!

Over there. Chief Inspector Hibbert.

What progress have you made

Put the camera away. Answer

There was no accident, no death.

...was completed. Excuse me.

News just in. Controversy mounts

Some sources claim there is

A police spokesman today denied

Was there a police car in the area

You can't do this!

...Or the police car,

Can you confirm that you have no

Is this incompetence or cover-up?

There has been no cover-up,

We check these things out -

So exactly how stupid are you,

...If you have any information,

TELEPHONES RING

Hello, newsroom? Hello, newsroom?

Hello, newsroom? About Zack

So, witnesses.

Can I help you? I'm Zack Mitchell.

You sick creep!

What a creep!

The main points of the news again.

They're still taking notes up there.

I think we're in the clear.

Uri Geller.

Jill, I'm really looking forward

Think it's going to make great TV.

Good work. Thank you, Mr Flunt.

So, what are you planning next?

Oh, my God.

'...The police deny any knowledge

'And that's all from the one o'clock

Poor bastard!

He thinks he's still alive.

How did you do it?

I do hope security

How did you get all those people

It's for the best.

The truth?!

It's just television. Oh.

Uri Geller.

Uri Geller? Mmmm.

When he went on TV and bent spoons,

people called in

I didn't fix any calls, Zack.

I didn't need to, Lord love 'em!

They call in anyway.

I don't understand. Look.

More people campaign for them

Your ex-wife, a woman who has

someone who she probably loves

in order to comfort - what? People

Not truth?

Just television?

TRAIN APPROACHES

Zack.

We are the truth.

What's the matter?

I thought you were going to...

You're dead. I'm alive!

Says who?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello!

Zack gave me your number. He said

♪ Murder most horrid

♪ As soft as the smoke from a barrel

♪ As cold as the blade of the knife

♪ She's a stranger you love

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ Wipe the sweat from your forehead