Original subtitles

See you later, Mum.

Have fun.

MUM: Lady In Red. My Way.

Lady In Red. Yes, Lady In Red.

WHISTLING

You going to the jumble sale?

No, I've got a rehearsal. Course

We call it the Scottish play.

Sorry.

Yeah, we always enjoy your shows.

It's a tragedy.

Don't say that.

Slower than the cyclist.

You're welcome(!)

Just popping out.

A-A-A-A-Argh!

Look, sir, I've done my homework.

she's the right age, she's got the

Has she done any undercover work?

She's English, Brown. They're

sir. Christ, you're

We don't need

I'll give you three weeks.

If I hadn't married John

who knows?

Still...

it's not gonna happen.

Not now.

Yes!

SIREN WAILS

Neil Brown, CID.

Oh!

Oh, I don't believe it. He's a cop!

Nothing ever happens to me.

Oh, yes it does. Hop in, Barbara.

Tony La Paglia,

Louie Finkel,

Michael Perugiano,

AKA Mikey - nickname department

They've moved to London.

You're going in to get them.

What? For speeding?

They're muscling in

So we're sending you in.

Undercover -

Bonny le Belle, Hollywood

You set 'em up, I catch 'em.

But I'm English.

There are 22,000 female officers

How many are aged

How many are unknown

How many played Miss Adelaide

in the Evendale Players'

It's your chance for the big time.

Not Bonny le Belle. We'll change it.

Demi de Niro. No? Jodie Bogart.

No.

Whoopi Stone.

Oh, yes!

Oh, coochie, coochie.

You understand, don't you?

when she's a big star.

SQUEAK

SQUEAK

You can do a big shop

A training course? Yes, in traffic

Ah, here we are.

Hi.

How do you like your new apartment?

Ah!

They never do deals themselves.

They think,

Then you take 'em to your dealer.

I catch 'em red-handed. Shebang!

Jets. New York Jets - football.

Blues. Blues - hockey.

Hawks. Basketball.

It's a chocolate bar.

Gangsters cheat all the time.

AMERICAN ACCENT:

She shoulda been a movie star.

in some two-bit deli

Seventh AND 10th.

Hello. Whoopi Stone...

AMERICAN: Why should we trust you?

Well, f... SQUEAK you!

You tryin' to SQUEAK with me?!

I can make you richer

Obviously, I won't be using this

This isn't a game, Greaves. I'm

I don't like swearing.

Give me the fucking frog!

You go undercover, then!

You go make friends

PHOOOR!

I'll tell you what we'll do, right?

Swearing.

What's next on the schedule? Um...

I think it's ball busting

AMERICAN: Shut up

This is my place, capeesh?

Nice of Mum to send us a food

Yeah.

I think these are for the dog.

Hi. Whoopi Stone... No, it needs

Get more physical with 'em.

Tony. That's cupping, not kidding.

OK. More physical. Come on. Hey!

Hey!

AMERICAN: Bagel... pretzel...

"potata" chip...

cookie...

gefilte fish...

pants... brazeer...

meer.

So, the Whoop's in town. Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Yes!

I hope this hasn't been

AMERICAN: Hi, I'm Whoopi.

DCI Reed - Whoopi Stone.

Pleased to meet you, DCI. Hey!

That's a firm handshake you got

That's an American word for...

You think he's stoopid? He's

Repetition, sir. They add menace.

I must say... you've done a fine job.

He's done a fine job?!

She won't be using the frog on the

Hey, one, two.

One, two. All right?

Now, what don't we do?

We breathe. I can't br... Breathe!

Too much oak, Tony?

Oak? What you talkin' about? Oak.

It's a characteristic

There's wood in my wine? You crazy?

What's this now?

Champagne, sir. Courtesy of the

Let's see what she wants.

Whoopi to van.

Hi, I'm Tony.

This is Louie and this is Mikey.

Hi, Whoopi.

Ain't every day I get champagne

Oh, no!

Sit down, gentlemen.

So... you want bagels, pretzels,

potata chips,

gefilte fish?

This is England, Whoopi!

Yeah, like your pants.

Keep calm.

Just gotta check my brazeer

in the meer.

Oh!

Get back to the...

What brought you to England,

You kill me.

Not literally. Hey! I do the jokes.

OK?

So you guys, eh...

Let's go.

We're going now. We're going now!

You, eh...

I, eh...

So, Tony,

how about the Miami Dolphins, huh?

The way I see it, the weakest area

I mean, McDuffy - he's an OK

Me too.

If a man wears padding,

It's a great book, Tony.

I saw a similar van outside the bar.

Oh...

Don't worry about that, Louie,

At night?

Sure. At night they install the

Right.

So, eh... you were telling us what

I could do business here.

What kind of business do you mean?

Well, I, eh...

I buy, eh... a certain product,

from a certain pwerson,

for a certain amount.

Then I, eh...

to another certain pwerson

Know what I like about it? What?

The certainty.

The certainty!

She's a piece of work!

I want sex. Don't embarrass me! He's

Pussy, beaver, jelly roll,

It's late, gentlemen.

Oh, I haven't told you about my mom

Next time I cook for you, huh?

That's nice. If we was at home now,

You know?

It's a whore house.

To you, it's a whore house.

I love this woman!

All right.

Hey!

OK, next time, no van. Eh?

It's too suspicious.

This is nothing like Guys And

You were brilliant! Was I? Yes.

Elements of my performance could

And your fridge banging. I need to

This is dynamite,

Eh... yeah.

Oh, my mom - she was bootiful.

She should have been a movie star.

Et cetera.

Et cetera. Italian place.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Gefilte fish, chopped liver -

that's too heavy. Pasta and

Absolutely!

So, whadda ya think? You in or out?

It's just my man -

Please, coffee first.

Tell me, why did you

It's too seasonal.

Is Christmas the peak?

Everybody rushing around buying

You had movie star clients? Sure.

They love the weird stuff.

I was speaking

Mr Charlie Sheen, Mr Jack Nicholson,

How can that be? I heard of them.

You think we're stupid!

You must be scared.

I don't understand. You don't, cop?

Sit down, cop.

I swear on my mother's meatballs,

Don't say that again, ever!

Ever! Ever!

British cop, drop the accent,

Explode?! You want explode?!

Do British cops shoot people?

Do they?!

No. Home secretaries reject the

I can make you richer than Donald

You froggin' frogs!

Hello, sir. Yes, it's Brown.

SHE HUMS NERVOUSLY

OK, sorted. You just carry on

That is what I'm doing.

So could you please get rid of

I'll take care of all of this.

I mean, he was a ganster,

It's not like I've killed

You're going to miss being Whoopi.

It's not every day

You were just doing your duty.

AMERICAN: Our business is complete.

Good luck.

LOUIE: Whoopi.

Gentlemen.

Merchandise... OK?

Most satisfactory.

My contribution.

Do you know who this lady is?

Then I don't think

Well, gentlemen,

I think our business is complete.

Police, stay where you are!

Jesus Christ!

It's a set-up. Oh, what bad luck(!)

The right result, guvnor.

I'm an American citizen. (Just

What are you doing?

SIRENS WAIL

Well done, mate.

SLAM!

Who else, huh?

He must have made a deal

Yeah, goddamn

Look, we'll make it up to you,

I wish he was alive,

I don't know what you're playing at,

I've got two men at home

and a poodle that needs a clip.

You've exceeded my wildest dreams.

There is no Whoopi Stone!

Oh, yes, there is. She killed

I got the murder weapon, prints -

Don't worry.

Don't you get funny with me,

I'm gonna stand up and tell

That you're a copper?

You're Whoopi now. Forever.

There's no turning back.

What?

You don't need them.

The woman who killed public enemy

You've turned yourself

Well, it's something

I want my dog!

Lost at sea.

Medal of honour.

What was she doing

A training course,

What? In traffic control?

Gets quite busy, the sea.

JUDGE: Whoopi Stone,

Then she says,

And she picks up my piece

Yeah. I grew up with her.

Gentlemen.

Welcome home, Miss Stone.

Hey!

Remember Gene? Where is she?

We saw

It's my pleasure

You, eh...

I will. See ya, guys.

Oh, Gene,

have a big, full British breakfast

hold the black pudding.

Guess you kinda miss Ingerland, huh?

Mmm.

Sometimes I think

You know this bungalow?

Like a little, short house,

in the countryside, you know?

Some place like Le-ces-ter-shire.

or Hurtfordshire, or Burkshire.

Some place like that, you know?

Coulda got a husband

Doesn't sound like Madame Whoopi,

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

Hey, Mikey! Yeah?

You got the address. Sure!

Hey, guys, let's go and, eh...

Nice shot, sir.

'Scuse me, gentlemen.

Can I interest you

♪ Murder most horrid!

♪ As soft as the smoke from a barrel

♪ Aa cold as the blade of the knife

♪ She's a stranger you love

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ La, la, la, la... Lorry?