Original subtitles

GEORGE FORMBY: ♪ Isn't it disgusting

♪ When they sit down

♪ My father was a baker

Where would we be without George?

♪...On how you should behave

♪ Never use your fingers

♪ Wipe your plate with bread

♪ Peas should not be eaten

♪ Eat them from the saucepan

♪ Never put both elbows

♪ Leave a bit of room

♪ Always hold your kipper

♪ And wave it when you're talking

♪ Soup should not be eaten

♪ Gargle it quite loudly

What do you fancy, Lily? I don't

It's been a long time since we...

that your bacon ration

and you're last in the queue?

I have a couple of lamb chops left.

We'll have lamb chops. How lovely!

Twopence, please.

Is there a problem?

Two bones constitutes two chops,

Wonderful. Wonderful.

A hot pot? Or grilled...

Are you thinking what I'm thinking,

Who are they getting it from?

How do you know they are

I think we should keep an eye

Yeah.

Good morning.

Good morning, Reverend.

Good morning, Miss Wood-Newton.

We were wondering if you would like

I must say, it often amazes me

that two such wonderfully kind women

We couldn't possibly be married.

For what we are about to receive,

may the Lord make us truly thankful.

Tasty.

Yes. Very good.

But... Yes?

Rather insubstantial.

THUNDER

I don't know what we would

I think we could have starved.

She's been dead

Bless her. She's been

Lily, we've been very good recently.

Yes. We haven't eaten anything we

Could we... thaw a little something

...For the weekend?

Why not?

How about...

...a cherry Bakewell?

Lovely!

Dear Mother! We thought

But what foresight she had!

FREEZER CREAKS

Poor Electra! You sound

Maybe we should get you looked at.

"In this mountain

"make unto all people

"a feast of wine on the lees,

"of fat things full of marrow,

"well refined."

Here endeth the lesson.

"A feast of fat things."

We'd all like a feast of fat things,

especially at times like this.

And that is the subject of my

How are they getting underwear?

They used his parachute silk...

I suppose.

Their not-so-smalls!

LASCIVIOUS GIGGLING

REVEREND:...He said,

What are you doing?

You'd love to put a nice,

No need to worry. We won't starve.

We'll have some fresh fish tonight.

Iris! What is it, dear?

Nebuchadnezzar's gone.

Oh!

That wretched heron must be back!

Oh, dear Nebuchadnezzar!

KNOCKING

Oh! Who can that be?

Miss Wood-Newton?

Yes?

I gather you've been having a

I think you need a thorough

Is that the freezer repairman,

My, my, my. She's huge!

She's beautiful. What's her name?

There, there, old girl.

Could we get you something? Tea?

Or coffee? We keep some beans

I'm afraid I'm not having much luck.

Poor Electra.

I'll sort her out. Don't you worry.

I'm afraid I'm going

Just make sure

Of course. When do you think

Tomorrow. Same time. Goodbye.

I can't find anything

I can't stay up here

You must. He said

Lily... I've been having...

Well, then, you mustn't do it.

FREEZER MOTOR THROBS

Reverend Stoop wants to make a

MOTOR THROBS

I think I'll go to bed now, dear.

Good afternoon, Reverend.

Good afternoon, Miss Wood-Newton.

I'm afraid you've only got me today.

No. It's just that Lily's a little

I think the larger models

I'm always thrilled

The trend is for tall and upright.

Have a good old rummage.

I found your problem. Yes?

You need a grommet.

It slips into your interstice

That's what you need.

Yes. But I don't have one with me.

I'll have to come back tomorrow.

I promise.

I'll get you a rag.

It's an old football scarf. West Ham

I must confess. In my youth,

I'm sorry. I embarrassed you.

I was just wondering whether your...

Then it must be a very long time

It's lucky I did stay behind today,

So soon. Any luck?

Not yet. But he's coming back...

some time soon.

(He loves me. He loves me not.)

You're taking a long time with that

What's that you're knitting?

It's a bedsock. It's one of a pair.

I'm donating them to the church

Lovely.

I was thinking of going to help

I'm afraid I'm going to be

Never mind.

Mmm! Delicious!

May I offer you... my slice?

It's untouched, Mister...?

Rimmer.

I can't say no. It's been ages since

You've missed luncheon,

That's very kind, but I've wasted

LAUGHTER

I've so enjoyed these two afternoons

Yes. They've been fun.

I wonder...

Would you care to come for tea?

I should be delighted!

MOTOR THROBS

Right.

I just need to slide this little

You see... pure silk.

Parachute silk.

A German paratrooper

The last time this fabric

was from 5,000 feet!

Hello, dear! It's only me.

Lily?

Lily, what's the matter?

I've done... something terrible!

You've eaten

No! It's much worse than that.

What happened?!

Lust, Iris. It was lust.

Pure lust!

You poor thing!

Not HIS lust. MY lust! I don't know

One minute we were talking

The next minute

He was coughing, and going AAH-AAH

and gasping for air!

Why didn't you get off him?

When he stopped struggling,

KNOCK ON DOOR

Reverend Stoop!

Leave this to me.

Ah, Reverend. I'm afraid tea's off.

Oh, what a shame.

Yes. Your sister had something

I'll just go and get it.

And one more thing.

Would you, Miss Wood-Newton...?

Would you, Iris,

It's for bedtime. Yes.

Of course. Thank you.

Very... Very practical.

I'm sure it'll be

Call him back! I must confess!

No, Lily! I must! Don't you realise

This way, I'm an accessory.

We're in it together.

MOTOR RUMBLES UNEVENLY

I can't stand the noise any longer!

It's only Electra.

Sleep now.

BELL RINGS

What is it? He wasn't dead!

Oh, thank the Lord! But he is now!

AAGH!

RUMBLING STOPS

She's gone.

Poor Electra.

Why didn't you let him finish

48 hours before everything starts

(Come on, Lily!

I can't.

(Think of him in there -

What's that? At the back?

Looks like they're extending

Oh, yes!

MALIGN CHUCKLING

Could we not keep a mincemeat

I'm... quite speechless at this...

this true act of benevolence.

We had to do it.

I fear this is the end

Yes, they may have to stop. We

I... Let me tell him!

Reverend...

I'm afraid we may have to leave

That's why we've donated all this.

As a farewell gesture.

Tomorrow's service

Goodbye!

Take a peek out of the window.

Iris!

What is it? There's been a frost.

We'll wrap up warm. No, you don't

SHOVELS CLANG

CHURCH BELL RINGS

"For men shall be lovers

"covetous, proud, boasters,

"disobedient to parents,

"incontinent,

"having the form of godliness

"From such turn away,

"and lead captive silly women

"l-l-led away

"with diverse l-l...

"l-l-l-l...

"lusts!"

Here endeth the lesson.

Miss Wood-Newton...

I wonder if I might have

Yes, a wonderful lesson,

most beautifully read,

What I'm trying to say, Iris, is...

Would you do me the honour

LUST!

Lust, lust, lust!

Pure, unbridled lust!

Lily! The silly woman

I have killed with my lovemaking!

AAGH! No, Lily. Yes, Iris. AAGH!

You see, there is a man. A man.

at home. I made love to him.

Yes.

He's gone!

There was a man in there!

What is it? He's gone! There was a

My proposal was ill-conceived,

I should not have tried

I shall see myself out.

OOHH!

Easy as pie.

Let's have a look.

A fiver's all you're getting.

"West Ham."

Oh, my Gawd! D'you know

West Ham - Westphalian Ham! Lovely!

Quick! Hide it at the back

We'll defrost it come Christmas!

Yes, gentlemen, what can I get you?

We need to look round your premises.

Which I'm sure it is.

Of course. Come in.

Gentlemen...

Do you eat ham?

♪ Never use your fingers

♪ Wipe your plate with bread

Poor Mr Gaunt. Poor Mr Gaunt.

♪ As soft as the smoke from a barrel

♪ As cold as the blade of the knife

♪ She's a stranger you love

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ Wearing something you've borrowed