Original subtitles

♪ Murder most horrid. ♪

That's it.

LORRY HOOTS

Damn!

THUD

Yes!

Bollocks!

I'm not a selfish bastard!

I'm extremely senior management

Which is why I do not have time

to remember minor details

It's my birthday!

You promised we'd go out!

Well, we're not.

I may be back late.

I may not be back at all.

I'll tell you what!

Making sure there is something

See this?! Without me it wouldn't

Inserts?

They're not inserts! They're

You always were

I'm not too thick to know

What woman? You're a pig, Tony!

TYRES SQUEAL

Now what the hell are you doing?

A pair of tickets...

For tonight! They're for a client.

A bloody important client!

Give them back to me... before

Give them back to me!

YOU BITCH!

Give them back! Give them back!

TYRES SCREECH

You've gone too far now, you bitch!

DOORBELL CHIMES

Right, let's go. Sorry?

I'm very busy, dear.

I beg your pardon?

Your name? Alison Smedley.

Smedley A, yes.

Number seven.

Perhaps I wasn't clear, sweetheart.

It's the incident in the kitchen.

Who are you? The police? So you're

No. Well you should be.

Are you Social Services?

No need to be offensive.

My job isn't made easier

Sorry, now isn't the time.

Yes, it bloody is. It's the right

The right bloody person!

What is it?!

Yup, definitely breathing.

There is no business!

I'll be back, you know.

Today is the second

Unless it's a five.

Could be a three.

Hell, it must be tomorrow.

Yes, we are talking

Last time this happened, Lazarus

That was a miracle in the Holy Land.

Muggins here turns up to do

only to find the punter

Hope you don't mind

We haven't met...

but we will.

HORN HONKS

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking,

"Not very grim as reapers go."

I CAN be grim.

But it's not allowed

Death's been updated.

It's more "user friendly".

D'you wanna make something of it?

I must stop doing that!

The modernisers won't have it.

This is as scary as it gets.

The Grim Strimmer. Terrifying, eh?!

Give me the Middle Ages any day.

♪ I gave you my music...

♪ Made your song take wing... ♪

I'm sorry, Tony,

TAPE CLICKS OFF

I'm sorry about the tickets.

But I'll make it up. I'll get more.

We shouldn't carry on

It's just so...

...tacky.

What do you mean "tacky"?

Oh, get off!

We've had good times, Rachel.

There was that time

I need a fag. We've not done it yet.

Believe me, Rachel,

The only contact we have

This morning I took a knife!

That would solve your problems.

I don't believe it!

I was early!

I was

I stopped it happening.

Alison isn't like you. Oh, yeah?

She doesn't understand the pressure.

Being number two

Rob Creswell and I are on par!

What I'm saying is...

guys like me...

...we don't live by the rules.

We're free spirits.

Masters of our own destiny.

Take me home.

Of course.

This calls for

Hi... Bye!

I have to talk to you.

You're a Jehovah's Witness.

You don't want to save me?

Well... it's...

difficult in these circumstances.

I will try to spare your feelings.

It's just that... well...

your husband's been

Awwwwh!

Have I said something to upset you?

I knew all along,

Yeah... yeah...

Well, her name's Rachel.

She's asked your husband

He's such a bastard

Well, he doesn't love you any more.

He told her that he never did.

They want kids, you know?

Oh, I know.

It's a sad and lonely future

M&S meals for one all year.

One present

A solitary glass of sparkling

Awwh!

Still... there... is another way.

Marriage guidance doesn't work!

No, I wondered whether,

suicide.

No, I hadn't.

Because it's ever so

Lots of methods to choose from.

Pills are good. A noose is cheap.

There's slashed wrists.

Whatever method you choose,

Who are you?

Ah... well...

think of me

It's been good to talk. Yes!

Thanks.

Perhaps we could

I hoped that wouldn't be necessary.

Rachel!

Leave me alone!

I've done it. Left your wife?

I know some media buyers

They happened to have

They must have cost a fortune, Tony.

What the hell, you're worth it.

You're pressurising me.

You should take your wife.

The least I can expect is a bloody

and a quickie in a lay-by on the

Tony, you are scaring me!

I'm sorry! Please, I'm sorry!

Just say you'll come.

I'll think about it.

You...

bloody little trollop!

God, you're better off

Oh, good! I'm too late!

What've we got?

Codroxitol... Oh, not a bad choice.

Good mixture

Have to take large quantities.

Personally, I'd go for... what?

Hydrobenzedrol or demethrodon,

Still... who am I to quibble?!

Ah, look. There's a little note.

Sweet.

Bread, eggs, Coco Pops...

Not much of a final testament!

What are you doing here? Arrrrgh!

You OK? You look like you've seen

No. Had a headache, that's all.

Coffee?

Yeah.

Let's face it...

She's too wet!

Tony's gonna have to do it.

Milk? Sugar? Yeah, thanks.

He's gonna have to hate her so much

End of story. Not a problem.

PHONE RINGS

Except that'll be Tony

Go away!

Was that the phone?

Oh, cheers.

Do you mind?

I shouldn't, but one won't kill me.

I know it's slow,

PHONE RINGS

I bet he's got tickets for Phantom

Do you think so? Yeah, but only cos

He thinks you're a sap

Tony(!)

Phantom! That is a surprise(!)

Huh! Someone turned you down?

I can tell you're lying.

Some sort of... sap?!

That's the spirit.

You tell him.

It's time you taught Tony a lesson.

Stopped letting him ruin your life.

Start ruining his.

What d'you mean?

His charge card, spare car keys

Take me to his trousers.

Tony has three rules for me.

"Don't touch my car,

and never ever

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm stealing your car, Tony.

Whoo-oo!

Will you stop that, please?!

I need it to take Rach... a client

Damn you! Damn you!

Alison, you can't even drive.

Oh, no!

METAL CRUNCHES

Oh, no, no, no!

Not the high-gloss metallic paint!

My alloy mag-wheels! Please don't!

Not the twin electrically adjustable

No!

Oh, my car! My car!

TYRES SQUEAL

YOU... STUPID... BITCH!

TYRES SQUEAL

Now, getlemen...

...where was I?

Aquafresh!

The shower with the hose.

What are you playing at?!

Sorry, Chris.

...and my marketing guy goes whacko.

Now, what exactly

Cards on the table, Chris.

A marital situation.

Aquafresh pull-outs are important.

So stop what you're doing!

As of now you're pissing downstairs

Not my key to the executive toilet?!

Take it like a man!

TRICKLING STOPS

Oh, great!

Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!

It's already started!

I had to hitch!

It took forever.

What's the matter? What have you

The bitch!

Come on!

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "MUSIC OF THE NIGHT"

DOOR BANGS

(Excuse me.)

(This is so embarrassing.)

(Once we sit down no-one

(Sorry. Sorry.)

(Let's sit down and enjoy it.

(We'll relax, OK?)

AUDIENCE TUTS

'Sit down!'

(I can't see nothing.)

'Shhh!'

(Do you mind?!)

(Excuse me!)

(Tony, DO something!)

(What, me? Yes, you, dimwit!)

(Excuse me? Excuse me?)

(We'll do it in the interval!)

(Excuse me? Excuse me?!)

(Could you take the hat off? No.)

(Cheeky cow!)

(Did you see that?)

(Tony, sort her out!)

(WILL YOU RELAX!)

(You're pathetic!)

(Lean forward

(And show the people behind my

APPLAUSE

Stuff the second half, granddad.

Thank you, Rachel,

At least it can't get any worse!

"My wife calls me Tiny Smedley.

HOWLS OF LAUGHTER

Alison!

This is absolutely perfect.

I'm impressing myself with this one.

She comes home

...to find Tony berserk with rage.

Stab, stab, stab!

Goodbye Alison, the ledger's

I might be promoted.

I've got the curves for it.

Mrs Smedley?

I'm going to jump!

I don't believe it!

TONY!

He's supposed to kill his wife,

Not a lot to ask, is it?

TONY!

I'm going to do it!

You don't know me,

What's the point?

I've lost my mistress, my car...

my key to the executive toilets...

most of my trousers!

It's hopeless! It isn't.

Your life is important.

Particularly to one woman.

Me! And then there is

I'm gonna jump. No, no! All right!

Change of tack.

Where would people be with nothing

And think of Aquafresh.

You know perfectly well

without your detailed knowledge...

...of the four-colour litho

You've got a point.

Who are we gonna find

Rob Creswell?

I think not.

Come on. Come on.

Alison, I've been such a fool!

CROWD APPLAUD

Well, that went about as badly

I'm mean, I, the Angel of Death,

I'm sure they'll be merciful

With any luck I'll get a light

It was my fault, darling.

No, I'm sure

I hardly think you rate faultwise

I'd hardly allow YOU

I can wreck my own marriage,

OK, it WAS your fault,

I'm not a selfish bastard!

I'm extremely senior management

Here we go again!

Hello. Yeah,

And that two

PIERCING SCREAM

Hallelujah! Time to go to work!

Oh! Ooh, dear!

Sorry you're dead. I thought

I'm not dead.

He is.

He came for me,

DISTANT SIREN BLARES

Oh, she'll be all right.

She'll be all dazed and confused

No-one's gonna

I've got to explain

rather than the specified Smedley A.

But I am Smedley A.

Anthony Smedley.

BRAKES SCREECH

Anthony Smedley.

Course you are! Course you are!

That's brilliant -

Sorry, you probably don't see it

It's all preordained, isn't it?

It's all part of the bigger plan.

Got to hand it

They know how to do

D'you know, I don't mind saying

No!

Now, where is my Sting?

Ah, there.

♪ Every little thing

♪ Everything she do just turn me on

♪ Even though my life before

♪ Now I know my love

♪ Murder most horrid!

♪ As strong

♪ As cold as the blade of the knife

♪ She's a stranger

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ Enormously torrid