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♪ Murder most horrid. ♪
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That's it.
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LORRY HOOTS
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Damn!
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THUD
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Yes!
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Bollocks!
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I'm not a selfish bastard!
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I'm extremely senior management
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Which is why I do not have time
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to remember minor details
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It's my birthday!
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You promised we'd go out!
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Well, we're not.
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I may be back late.
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I may not be back at all.
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I'll tell you what!
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Making sure there is something
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See this?! Without me it wouldn't
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Inserts?
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They're not inserts! They're
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You always were
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I'm not too thick to know
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What woman? You're a pig, Tony!
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TYRES SQUEAL
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Now what the hell are you doing?
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A pair of tickets...
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For tonight! They're for a client.
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A bloody important client!
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Give them back to me... before
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Give them back to me!
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YOU BITCH!
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Give them back! Give them back!
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TYRES SCREECH
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You've gone too far now, you bitch!
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DOORBELL CHIMES
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Right, let's go. Sorry?
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I'm very busy, dear.
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I beg your pardon?
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Your name? Alison Smedley.
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Smedley A, yes.
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Number seven.
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Perhaps I wasn't clear, sweetheart.
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It's the incident in the kitchen.
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Who are you? The police? So you're
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No. Well you should be.
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Are you Social Services?
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No need to be offensive.
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My job isn't made easier
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Sorry, now isn't the time.
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Yes, it bloody is. It's the right
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The right bloody person!
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What is it?!
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Yup, definitely breathing.
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There is no business!
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I'll be back, you know.
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Today is the second
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Unless it's a five.
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Could be a three.
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Hell, it must be tomorrow.
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Yes, we are talking
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Last time this happened, Lazarus
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That was a miracle in the Holy Land.
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Muggins here turns up to do
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only to find the punter
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Hope you don't mind
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We haven't met...
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but we will.
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HORN HONKS
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I know what you're thinking.
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You're thinking,
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"Not very grim as reapers go."
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I CAN be grim.
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But it's not allowed
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Death's been updated.
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It's more "user friendly".
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D'you wanna make something of it?
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I must stop doing that!
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The modernisers won't have it.
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This is as scary as it gets.
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The Grim Strimmer. Terrifying, eh?!
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Give me the Middle Ages any day.
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♪ I gave you my music...
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♪ Made your song take wing... ♪
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I'm sorry, Tony,
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TAPE CLICKS OFF
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I'm sorry about the tickets.
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But I'll make it up. I'll get more.
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We shouldn't carry on
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It's just so...
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...tacky.
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What do you mean "tacky"?
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Oh, get off!
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We've had good times, Rachel.
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There was that time
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I need a fag. We've not done it yet.
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Believe me, Rachel,
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The only contact we have
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This morning I took a knife!
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That would solve your problems.
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I don't believe it!
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I was early!
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I was
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I stopped it happening.
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Alison isn't like you. Oh, yeah?
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She doesn't understand the pressure.
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Being number two
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Rob Creswell and I are on par!
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What I'm saying is...
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guys like me...
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...we don't live by the rules.
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We're free spirits.
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Masters of our own destiny.
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Take me home.
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Of course.
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This calls for
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Hi... Bye!
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I have to talk to you.
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You're a Jehovah's Witness.
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You don't want to save me?
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Well... it's...
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difficult in these circumstances.
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I will try to spare your feelings.
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It's just that... well...
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your husband's been
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Awwwwh!
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Have I said something to upset you?
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I knew all along,
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Yeah... yeah...
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Well, her name's Rachel.
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She's asked your husband
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He's such a bastard
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Well, he doesn't love you any more.
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He told her that he never did.
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They want kids, you know?
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Oh, I know.
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It's a sad and lonely future
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M&S meals for one all year.
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One present
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A solitary glass of sparkling
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Awwh!
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Still... there... is another way.
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Marriage guidance doesn't work!
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No, I wondered whether,
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suicide.
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No, I hadn't.
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Because it's ever so
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Lots of methods to choose from.
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Pills are good. A noose is cheap.
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There's slashed wrists.
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Whatever method you choose,
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Who are you?
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Ah... well...
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think of me
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It's been good to talk. Yes!
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Thanks.
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Perhaps we could
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I hoped that wouldn't be necessary.
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Rachel!
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Leave me alone!
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I've done it. Left your wife?
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I know some media buyers
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They happened to have
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They must have cost a fortune, Tony.
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What the hell, you're worth it.
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You're pressurising me.
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You should take your wife.
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The least I can expect is a bloody
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and a quickie in a lay-by on the
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Tony, you are scaring me!
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I'm sorry! Please, I'm sorry!
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Just say you'll come.
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I'll think about it.
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You...
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bloody little trollop!
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God, you're better off
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Oh, good! I'm too late!
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What've we got?
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Codroxitol... Oh, not a bad choice.
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Good mixture
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Have to take large quantities.
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Personally, I'd go for... what?
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Hydrobenzedrol or demethrodon,
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Still... who am I to quibble?!
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Ah, look. There's a little note.
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Sweet.
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Bread, eggs, Coco Pops...
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Not much of a final testament!
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What are you doing here? Arrrrgh!
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You OK? You look like you've seen
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No. Had a headache, that's all.
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Coffee?
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Yeah.
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Let's face it...
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She's too wet!
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Tony's gonna have to do it.
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Milk? Sugar? Yeah, thanks.
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He's gonna have to hate her so much
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End of story. Not a problem.
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PHONE RINGS
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Except that'll be Tony
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Go away!
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Was that the phone?
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Oh, cheers.
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Do you mind?
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I shouldn't, but one won't kill me.
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I know it's slow,
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PHONE RINGS
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I bet he's got tickets for Phantom
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Do you think so? Yeah, but only cos
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He thinks you're a sap
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Tony(!)
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Phantom! That is a surprise(!)
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Huh! Someone turned you down?
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I can tell you're lying.
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Some sort of... sap?!
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That's the spirit.
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You tell him.
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It's time you taught Tony a lesson.
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Stopped letting him ruin your life.
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Start ruining his.
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What d'you mean?
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His charge card, spare car keys
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Take me to his trousers.
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Tony has three rules for me.
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"Don't touch my car,
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and never ever
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What the hell are you doing?!
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I'm stealing your car, Tony.
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Whoo-oo!
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Will you stop that, please?!
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I need it to take Rach... a client
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Damn you! Damn you!
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Alison, you can't even drive.
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Oh, no!
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METAL CRUNCHES
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Oh, no, no, no!
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Not the high-gloss metallic paint!
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My alloy mag-wheels! Please don't!
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Not the twin electrically adjustable
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No!
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Oh, my car! My car!
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TYRES SQUEAL
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YOU... STUPID... BITCH!
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TYRES SQUEAL
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Now, getlemen...
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...where was I?
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Aquafresh!
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The shower with the hose.
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What are you playing at?!
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Sorry, Chris.
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...and my marketing guy goes whacko.
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Now, what exactly
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Cards on the table, Chris.
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A marital situation.
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Aquafresh pull-outs are important.
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So stop what you're doing!
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As of now you're pissing downstairs
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Not my key to the executive toilet?!
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Take it like a man!
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TRICKLING STOPS
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Oh, great!
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Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!
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It's already started!
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I had to hitch!
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It took forever.
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What's the matter? What have you
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The bitch!
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Come on!
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ORCHESTRA PLAYS "MUSIC OF THE NIGHT"
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DOOR BANGS
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(Excuse me.)
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(This is so embarrassing.)
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(Once we sit down no-one
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(Sorry. Sorry.)
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(Let's sit down and enjoy it.
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(We'll relax, OK?)
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AUDIENCE TUTS
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'Sit down!'
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(I can't see nothing.)
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'Shhh!'
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(Do you mind?!)
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(Excuse me!)
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(Tony, DO something!)
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(What, me? Yes, you, dimwit!)
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(Excuse me? Excuse me?)
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(We'll do it in the interval!)
288
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,959
(Excuse me? Excuse me?!)
289
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,959
(Could you take the hat off? No.)
290
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,959
(Cheeky cow!)
291
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,959
(Did you see that?)
292
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,959
(Tony, sort her out!)
293
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,959
(WILL YOU RELAX!)
294
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,959
(You're pathetic!)
295
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,959
(Lean forward
296
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:55,959
(And show the people behind my
297
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,799
APPLAUSE
298
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,959
Stuff the second half, granddad.
299
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,959
Thank you, Rachel,
300
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,959
At least it can't get any worse!
301
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:34,479
"My wife calls me Tiny Smedley.
302
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,319
HOWLS OF LAUGHTER
303
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,959
Alison!
304
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,959
This is absolutely perfect.
305
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,959
I'm impressing myself with this one.
306
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:58,959
She comes home
307
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,959
...to find Tony berserk with rage.
308
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,959
Stab, stab, stab!
309
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:09,959
Goodbye Alison, the ledger's
310
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,959
I might be promoted.
311
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,959
I've got the curves for it.
312
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,639
Mrs Smedley?
313
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,959
I'm going to jump!
314
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,959
I don't believe it!
315
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,959
TONY!
316
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,959
He's supposed to kill his wife,
317
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,959
Not a lot to ask, is it?
318
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,959
TONY!
319
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,639
I'm going to do it!
320
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:13,959
You don't know me,
321
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,959
What's the point?
322
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,319
I've lost my mistress, my car...
323
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,639
my key to the executive toilets...
324
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,159
most of my trousers!
325
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,959
It's hopeless! It isn't.
326
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,479
Your life is important.
327
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,959
Particularly to one woman.
328
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,959
Me! And then there is
329
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:39,959
I'm gonna jump. No, no! All right!
330
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,959
Change of tack.
331
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:46,959
Where would people be with nothing
332
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,959
And think of Aquafresh.
333
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:53,959
You know perfectly well
334
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,959
without your detailed knowledge...
335
00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:01,479
...of the four-colour litho
336
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,959
You've got a point.
337
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:10,959
Who are we gonna find
338
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,959
Rob Creswell?
339
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,959
I think not.
340
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,959
Come on. Come on.
341
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,159
Alison, I've been such a fool!
342
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,319
CROWD APPLAUD
343
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:51,959
Well, that went about as badly
344
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:58,159
I'm mean, I, the Angel of Death,
345
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:02,479
I'm sure they'll be merciful
346
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:08,959
With any luck I'll get a light
347
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,959
It was my fault, darling.
348
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,959
No, I'm sure
349
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:25,959
I hardly think you rate faultwise
350
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,479
I'd hardly allow YOU
351
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,959
I can wreck my own marriage,
352
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,959
OK, it WAS your fault,
353
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:38,959
I'm not a selfish bastard!
354
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:44,959
I'm extremely senior management
355
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,959
Here we go again!
356
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,479
Hello. Yeah,
357
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,159
And that two
358
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,639
PIERCING SCREAM
359
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,959
Hallelujah! Time to go to work!
360
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,799
Oh! Ooh, dear!
361
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:27,159
Sorry you're dead. I thought
362
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,959
I'm not dead.
363
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:30,959
He is.
364
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,959
He came for me,
365
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,959
DISTANT SIREN BLARES
366
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,959
Oh, she'll be all right.
367
00:26:55,960 --> 00:27:00,959
She'll be all dazed and confused
368
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,799
No-one's gonna
369
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,959
I've got to explain
370
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,959
rather than the specified Smedley A.
371
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:12,959
But I am Smedley A.
372
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:14,959
Anthony Smedley.
373
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,959
BRAKES SCREECH
374
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,959
Anthony Smedley.
375
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,959
Course you are! Course you are!
376
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:27,959
That's brilliant -
377
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:32,959
Sorry, you probably don't see it
378
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,959
It's all preordained, isn't it?
379
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,959
It's all part of the bigger plan.
380
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,959
Got to hand it
381
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,959
They know how to do
382
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:52,959
D'you know, I don't mind saying
383
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,959
No!
384
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,959
Now, where is my Sting?
385
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:58,959
Ah, there.
386
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,479
♪ Every little thing
387
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,959
♪ Everything she do just turn me on
388
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,319
♪ Even though my life before
389
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,959
♪ Now I know my love
390
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,959
♪ Murder most horrid!
391
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:19,959
♪ As strong
392
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,799
♪ As cold as the blade of the knife
393
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,959
♪ She's a stranger
394
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,479
♪ A caress could cost you your life
395
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,959
♪ And you wake in the night
396
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,959
♪ Enormously torrid
24482
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