Original subtitles

♪ Murder most horrid. ♪

And then the votes are counted.

But it's not the VOTES that matter.

Whoever has the most seats wins.

Now, any questions?

Yes, Carly?

Yes? My mum says it's not fair.

He says she can't even fit into it

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Milo? Will you still be our teacher

Yes, Julian?

No... I... won't,

I'm going to be

Ooh! Sorry.

'You can't just lock up criminals.

INTERVIEWER: With the election

'This government is now sitting

It's all just words, isn't it?

No, Jane, that's the point.

'...but by giving people more hope,

Afternoon, Mrs Bryce. Hello.

That's what I'm paid for. Right. The

Got people for dinner? No,

Spare ribs. Yeah. You can't beat it.

Hello, Polo.

What is this? WHAT is this?

I'm going to break my neck

Mr Belling.

Ah, Mrs Bryce.

As you can see,

You said you'd be onto the plumbing

It's been two weeks. We'll lift the

Ugh... Mr Belling, can you smell

I couldn't smell it before.

CAR BEEPS HORN

Er... evening, sir.

Evening, Eric.

Brian Hall.

Hello, Peter. Call him back.

He's got Paxman

Saturday.

He hasn't missed one in 12 years.

Thanks.

Oh, I hoped you would change that.

The worst... The most incompetent

If they want him, they'll wait.

Next week. Right.

You made page one of the Guardian,

Did you see me on TV?

Oh, I bought you this. What's that?

Are you staying, Brian?

Er... no, thanks. Are you sure?

What's that smell?

All I'm saying is you ought to send

Actually in the classroom. Yeah.

What IS that smell?

Are you listening? Brian was right.

It might be damp. Can you believe

sewage. Does it? Yes, a kind of...

Urgh!

Sort of... Where?

SNIFFING

What, over here?

Pooh! I didn't know there were

It's awful.

Urgh! Have you got the torch?

Yeah.

Can you see anything?

What?

Oh, my God!

What is it? D-Don't look down there.

Oh, my God!

I said don't look.

What did you see? What did YOU see?

I thought I saw a dead body. Yes!

Right, I'll go back down

I can't, either. Actually, I can!

Oh, shit! What? What?

Oh, God! God!

God! There's... three of them!

How do you know? Three heads! Three

Um... OK, I'm calling the police.

No, actually I'm going to be sick

No. What?

You can't. Linda...! You can't

The election, Jerry.

Your image. The tabloids

This isn't about politics.

To be the next Prime Minister. This

No. No, no, no.

Everything you've worked for,

Don't let them do that to you.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS Oh! Sshh!

Hello... Mrs Joseph, hello.

No, no, that's fine.

Yes, Simon probably would be upset

I didn't want him showing it to the

No, I think it's just a phase.

Let's talk about it at the next PTA.

Absolutely. That's great.

Yes. Bye.

We've got to get rid

So we dig them up and bury them

Only WE know about this, Jerry.

Nobody else...

When we bought this house, it had

We've lived here 12 years.

what's 12 and 2? - for 14 years!

Right, so we get rid of them and

Could we live with it?

Five more years of Opposition,

That chance is in your hands now,

No, no, Linda, I'm sorry.

No...

No, you can't...

...but I can.

There. That's it. What will you do?

I'm going to think of something.

I'm going to think of something. DOORBELL RINGS

THEY GASP

Who's that? I don't know.

Take that. I'll see to it.

Yes? Mr Bryce. Yes. Hello!

Hello.

"Hello!" magazine. Deborah Case.

Ah... Um...

Your office did say half past nine.

Er...

Yes... come in, come in.

Thank you!

Hello.

Polo! Polo! Stop it!

DOG GROWLS

Will you...! Please!

YELPS

GLASS SHATTERS

What does this house say about you?

Did you get rid of them? A-hem.

THEY ALL LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Deborah Case. Deborah Case.

Hello! Yes! Hello!

We're actually having a brand-new...

Oh! How lovely!

Do show!

Oh!

Oh! Yes!

Oh, yes! Dinky! Charming!

DEBORAH SNIFFS

It's such a lovely parish,

I'll miss St Crispin's, but the

I don't know how we'll manage,

Ethnic minorities and guitars.

At least we're not getting a woman.

It'll be out in two weeks -

Special? Oh, you mean

Lovely. Thank you.

Oh, good luck with the new kitchen.

Thank you so much!

"Hello!"? I know...

I must get to the surgery. Help me

Brian, it's me. I'm leaving in

What? They were there by the bins.

WERE there? Well, they were there.

Wh-Where are they?

Oh, no. What?

Quentin. What? Charles Quentin, the

He's taken them! Stop shouting!

CAR TYRES SQUEAL

No, it was just a silly mistake,

Two bags of rubbish

Anyway, I've brought you this

Ah!

Yes, I think... I've located them.

Can I help?

Darling, could you take that? Right.

Yep, this is the other one. Lovely.

Sorry about that, vicar.

So, if you take me to the surgery...

Don't be stupid, Jerry. We must

Er...

Brian... Something came up... Ten

And one...

and... two...

...and three.

There. Those are burning nicely.

Not bad for a boiler

Still thinking of opting out? They

What's the feeling in the staff?

Parents must be able to compare

If that means league tables...

What?

They've all gone. Thirty-five

We've done it. Have we?

We've done it.

Yes.

'Even with their hectic lifestyle

'they have time

'When I was at their charming London

'Yet Linda Bryce was quick

Here's the speech. I've typed

Look. Head of Northern Water's

I've got your case. Taps, Jerry.

Oh, sorry, darling. Good luck.

Morning, sir. Morning, Eric.

'So the teachers are greedy.

'The teachers are selfish.

'Why don't we tell that

'who only this morning

'So let me tell you,

'it's easy for the Government

'It's something they know all about.

'Let me tell you now...'

TELEPHONE RINGS

'...education and training WILL be,

DOG BARKS

Hello. 'Mrs Bryce?'

Yes. Who's this?

Did you find them, Mrs Bryce?

Brian's mobile.

Brian Hall... H... Brian...

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yes? 'So you DID find them.'

Oh, yes, you do.

Who is this?

I know who you are! Where are you?

I'm just round the corner. What?

I think we should get together. I'll

Eric! Eric!

Are you all right, Mrs Bryce?

Er... yes, you know, Eric,

Yeah, I was just wondering

Not for me, thank you very much.

Right. You ARE here, tonight,

But I'm off tomorrow on leave. Oh?

Is it?

DOG YAPS

DOG YELPS

TELEVISION: 'Consider basic human

'and you come to the inescapable

'the most dangerous man

Come on, Brian, answer.

'I am speaking to you, not

'Our survival, yours and mine,

'There is no alternative

'He's going to hurt you.

'Get rid of him.

'Do it NOW!'

Oh, Polo!

Mrs Bryce. Get out of here!

Are you afraid of me, Mrs Bryce?

I'm warning you...!

You've every reason to be afraid.

Stay away! You won't use that.

What have you done with them?

Don't...!

You better put that down

I've got something you ought to see.

BALL SQUEAKS

His name was Barlow.

Detective Inspector Barlow.

Fifteen years ago, he suspected me,

No, you see,

I was above suspicion.

It almost drove him mad.

Yes, this was my house.

and at St Crispin's, of course.

Except for the young trendies,

coming around with their new ideas

why don't we give

Oh, yes, quite all right

Well... I dealt with them...

with the ringleaders.

You killed them?

You should have left them there,

It would have been

What are you going to do?

I'm... going... to have...

to kill you!

Argh! Eric! Eric!

Nine o'clock tomorrow? OK. Bye.

You're unusually quiet, Eric.

Eric?

LINDA CHOKES

Linda!

Oh, my God!

Linda, Linda!

Are you all right?

It's all right. It's all right.

What happened?

This one's a policeman, or used to

Quentin? Yes. The vicar?

Yes!

So Quentin killed the policeman?

I killed the policeman. What?

I sort of pushed him...

Well, he sort of fell...! What do

I told you, he fell... Not him!

Oh, God! I think that was me, too!

What? Yes, it was. I did that!

You mean you killed

Yes, I did, yes! Oh, God!

It'll... be all right.

What? It will NOT be all right!

It won't be all right at all!

It WILL be. We are the only ones

It's fantastic, Lin.

Thanks, Brian.

Not that you'll be here

Twenty-six points in the poll

We should stay here a bit longer.

Yes, that's... very good.

Are you all right?

Me? Yes... I'm fine.

Yes! He's fine.

SHE LAUGHS FALSELY

Yes, sorry.

This looks lovely.

THEY CHATTER POLITELY

♪ Murder most horrid

♪ As soft as the smoke

♪ As cold as the blade of the knife

♪ She's a stranger

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ Wipe the sweat from your forehead