Original subtitles

The moment I arrived,

upon the beating heart of France.

With the warm spring sunshine

Merveillac stretched out her arms

Bonjour!

The patron of the hotel welcomed me

where the unmistakable scent of

and he bade me sup.

'Non, non, non!'

It was never like that!...

I know. I was there.

You speak English! English, German,

bit of Japanese, whichever languages

It is now.

Go away, monsieur. We no longer have

She arrived on a Wednesday...

Bonjour!

Come on.

Nous sommes fermes!

No, you're not! Come on, open up.

I am tired, hungry and in no mood

So you ARE open. Splendid!

Mes valises sont dans la voiture.

Enchantee de vous voir.

Je suis fatiguee. C'est loin

Do you speak English?

Yes, I do!

I do!

Once again, my perfect classical

Be careful with that typewriter.

That is the instrument of my genius.

Yes, monsieur.

Auteur and bon viveur.

Author of Tucking Into Tuscany?

What is it... that you want?

That is exactly what I said

She said "Verity, Italy is finished.

"The punters want France, so use any

I can't TELL you

So, patron...

...seduce my senses,

What have you got?

We have burger, pizza, hot dog.

Is that it?

Nothing... French?

French fries. Merde!

I've got

She moved in

and began to write about Merveillac.

The food, the wine,

"...where the whole community

"gathers in a riotous cacophony

"of culinary clamour, a glorious

"amongst the tripe and truffles,

"one could haggle

"...and flirt with the farmers."

Non! The market,

like your Marks and Spencer,

like your... Iceland?

Les enfants aiment les fish fingers.

Ce sont le Bird's Eye?

Mais pour nous,

Le coq au vin! Ca suffit pour le

Pas encore le Basic Instinct!

This place is DISGUSTINGLY spotless!

What's wrong with you lot?

Where's your sloppy Gallic charm,

your laissez-faire lovability?

...Your filthy rural peasanty-ness?

Poor, misguided buggers.

Are you saying

Non.

I am saying she made ALL of it up.

You have never met Verity 'Odge -

She demanded that I cooked in a way

French food... it's very difficult.

I'm writing the final chapter,

It's called The Best Meal Ever.

So I sincerely hope it will be.

'The final chapter -

"I began slowly, pacing myself

"an individual pastry feuillete

"Then, a slice

"of the lightest Rocquefort

More!

"The patron insisted on taking me

"with a table for my bicycle

"for my yellow jersey.

"As we raced through soups and tarts

"and confit and pate

"and magret

"and souffle and cassoulet

"and a cornucopia of other stuff.

"It was a meal

"that captured the essence

Patron! Remind me what I've eaten.

I need a list of the ingredients.

Right. I just need to gratuitously

When I die... they shall find...

...engraved on my heart...

...two... simple... words...

...Mangez...

...Mer... veill... ac.

Hello? I'd like to speak to Philip.

It would seem that he's been

All right! All right! I just

Verity Hodge.

Philip! Hello!

How are you?

Everybody loves it? That IS good!

Especially the tap-dancing goat?

You should see it here.

Pardon?

You want to what?

Right... No, no. That's super!

Bye-bye.

Aa-a-a-a-agh!

Apparently...

...it's a phenom... enal success.

The Sunday Times want

Sainsbury's want to do a tie-in...

...and bloody Radio 4 have got it

And guess what baggage they want

Felicity Kendal? Yes!

That is success indeed, Madame.

No, it's not! It's terrible!

Everybody lo-o-ves Merveillac!

And they're queuing up to come

So what is the probleme? God!

...is, patron...

...that Merveillac

so I have had to help it along a bit

give it a bit of spin,

And now they're all going to come

I'm f-finished!

I think perhaps it is time

How can you think of that now?!

God! You're just like all the other

who fall hopelessly in love

Do you know who you remind me of?

The young Philip Larkin.

Venez, venez.

Did I ever tell you

He was a horny little bugger!

And dear, dear, dear, dear

Johnny, this is the end

Non, non, non!

'But by the next afternoon, Madame

'Merveillac was going to have

Mais, qu'est-ce que vous faites la?

What exactly do we think

C'est Eurosport! Gazza! Lazio!

I'm sorry, but I have just written

and you are watching satellite TV?

I want all of you out

Everyone, out there!

C'est incroyable.

Out! Non! C'est fou!

What are you doing?

Before long, you'll have

They're coming to see Merveillac -

Ever heard the expression

My name is Johnny.

Play the game my way and this

More boules!

Yes. That's very good.

Have this. It's more French.

Right. Now...

Sit on there, could you? Go on.

Take that. I'll take this.

Paquet pour Madame. Merci.

I do like that old bike.

Yes. This place might just pass.

Francois! Look! It's my book!

Chut! Chut!

La, la, la, la! Vite, vite!

Mummy! Rollo's sick

Now, look, you two. This is Mummy

Will you two stop fighting?!

Hello?

Hello!

Is this Merveillac?

Verity Hodge -

Mais oui.

I can't wait to try the brandade

Welcome. Bienvenu. Can I help?

Darling! It's Verity Hodge!

Verity, you're a genius. Am I? No!

Yes. All right!

Brilliant place!

Look!

Is that the goat that tap-dances?

Lessons start tomorrow.

We've had another wonderful week!

Merveillac, I knew I'd come across

a little bit of paradise...

♪ Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait... ♪

...something so rare, so perfect,

and I knew I had to share it

Merveillac is rather like Chartres.

Chartres was AMAZING.

That was where there was

Much better than the sausage

No. There, we rushed the sausage to

Look...

I'm in the communication business

"Heck! Somebody's got to bloody well

I'd like to thank someone

a lot of credit, but without whom

I'd like us to raise our glasses...

Verity Hodge. Oooh!

Well...! I humbly accept your thanks

But let us not forget that a

OK, they may not wash, OK, they may

but, boy,

Bloody journalists! They've made

I look like

Yes, of course. Thank you.

Super.

Marvellous.

There we go. It's a marvellous book!

This isn't my book. It is. What

and YOU have stolen my best recipes.

You're nothing but a common thief!

I'm terribly sorry, everybody.

This woman is clearly quite mad.

One of the burdens of celebrity -

Listen, granny, the South Bank Show

The South Bank Show! Yes - like

You're a wicked woman! I'm warning

no crackpot will stop Melvyn

Sequel?!

Un sequel?!

Un sequel?

Un sequel.

Un sequel?

'The village was in uproar.'

'By the next morning

'we had made our decision.'

"And so, for the first time

"the village decided

"to mark the end of the solstice."

Une lettre? Pour moi?

Merci!

So where are you, then?

I'm here.

And you've got to listen. Look...

...there's been some misunderstanding

But that's tough.

But I... I'm not having

I'm not some housewife

I... am Verity Hodge.

I sell more books than Dickens.

And I am here to warn you...

No! No, no, no! I'm warning YOU.

...you are going to die.

You are! You are going to die.

Madame Hodge.

I can explain everything. The feast!

Please.

Right.

Oooh!

Whatever... ooh...

Yes...

Look! The main course. This is

I haven't thought of Peter Barnet,

Where is everybody?

I wonder what this herb is.

Yes, where IS Verity?

This was billed as Verity's dinner.

Like that goat. That wasn't

...shuffle! That man poking it

Garcon!

We want Verity!

Monsieur Bogleby!

Listen, Monsieur Matey. No offence,

but we didn't come all this bloody

done up in fancy dress!

and we want Verity! We want Verity!

We want Verity!

We want Verity!...

Mais arretez!

Is this some joke?

No joke! We know how seriously

What have you done with her?

We have created

So now you can get into

your Ford Mondeos

and go back to your Crawley

Go and tell them what a marvellous

with all ze amusing peasants!

And tell them how well you ate

All thanks to Verity Hodge!

With a little onion, a little garlic

and plenty of red wine!

T'as vu les lunettes?!

You're all mad! Bloody mad!

Let's get out before they eat us

We've eaten her!

I knew what they were planning.

It was one of my recipes!

Next day, the tourists left

and they never came back.

Verity 'Odge was never found.

Is that what really happened?

That is what they say happened...

But is it true?

I need to know!

Look around you.

Good enough for me!

I'll buy it!

Warner Brothers have a screenplay,

Starts shooting here soon! Un film?

Yeah! You're gonna be famous!

We got Danny DeVito as the mayor,

as Verity and -

playing you, we got Joe Pesci!

This place will be buzzin'!

OK, Brad! Let's make movies!

Come on!

No, no! No! No!

They swallowed it

hook, line and sinker.

Now, we will be seriously rich!