Original subtitles

Sid?

Sid!

And that was it. 13 years of work

"Well done. Shake hands.

I was just explaining how I lost my

Another 45 minutes or so.

The out-placement counsellor

"Grow"!

The only thing I'll grow is an

'I've been putting in

'Everything's running smoothly.'

You will welcome her, won't you?

No.

Come on, you two, don't be rotten!

Granny's had bad luck

with Grandpa dying and then...

...the other thing.

Just give a cheery wave

Then you can watch telly

Cassandra? No! Why not?

Because I hate her! So do I!

God!

Where are they? It's quarter to six!

Maybe they crashed,

If you make remarks like that...

...in front of Granny,

Hello, Mummy!

She was asleep for the whole trip.

She doesn't look well, does she?

It's her heart -

It's all that's keeping her going.

Hello, dear!

Let's get the kettle on.

I'm parched!

My goodness! Haven't you both grown!

Shut up!

Pardon, dear? Clio, Cassandra,

Why's your hat screwed on so tight?

Girls - up to your rooms! Room!

What did she say? "Make yourself

Funny smell in here, Pam.

Can we afford to have her here?

She's my mother.

Dad's dead. Brian's dead. Lizzie's

How COULD you suggest it?

It was YOU...

She'd never forgive us.

I'm sorry, Jocasta.

We'll just have to get used to it.

Everything comes to those who wait.

What have we here?

Is this your den?

It's very nice, isn't it?

Did you get lost going to the bog?

Well, there's someone here who'd

Hello, Clio! That's for you.

Here's another!

Hello, Cassandra! That's for you.

Did you make it, Granny? Yes, dear.

That's really sweet.

A pity I'm 13 years too old!

Yes!

How did it go?

My CV stunned them.

They gasped at my experience.

They laughed at my witticisms.

A successful interview. Wonderful!

I just didn't get the job.

They say I'm too old!

Don't worry.

Anything might happen by then!

Go and watch the cricket. I'll bring

I know that face! Hello, Lily.

Don't mind me - I'm just a littl'un!

Would you like to look at

Good!

There's a Catherine Cookson series

Isn't it immoral,

No. OK.

I wouldn't show you these, but

Do you know what these are?

Marks and Spencer's, Hanson Trust...

London Weekend Television!

Some of these go back 40 years!

And you knew. THAT'S why

She's my mother!

As the only surviving relatives,

'Never!'

'But you're carrying my child!'

'I hate thee!'

'Then I'll kill myself

'The final part...'

That was really good.

Yes, it was!

Did you think it was good, Tom?

Yes. It was... fantastic.

Yeah - that's what I like about her,

She puts sexy bits in, but

Well, that's me for the night, then.

...have you got my pills? YOU have!

Quite right! Night-night!

Night, Mum!

Good night!

She didn't look well, did she?

No. Still on the medication?

It may just be a question of time.

Sponge-cake and squash all round!

It would be if you put it

Who'd like a story instead? We're

Sorry!

Sshh! Yes, sshh!

Perhaps you'd like a story

It's a game! You have to kill them

Dear! Sounds a bit too much

A-hem!

Sshh!

I've got a much better game.

Shut up!

I'm going to... BITE you!

No! My teeth

That's disgusting, Granny!

Come on, you.

Gran... Yes, dear? Was Mummy

What, goosy and snappish? No, to be

Bit of a what? She was all keen.

You know. Diddly. Jig-jig.

In fact, I could do with a bit now.

Any old men in this street

You're talking about sex!

I most certainly am, dear!

It's the nearest I get these days,

Good night!

Christ Almighty!

Mother, try to get a grip!

Pardon, dear? You let the pan

It's very dangerous!

Silly me!

Write things down!

Steady on, Jocasta!

God!

What?

You go ahead, Pam - it's all right!

I'm not one to criticise. Must you

You were perfectly content with Pam

My name is Jocasta.

Either way, I'm off upstairs

Night all!

"Pam"?

"Pam"?!

Her mind - it's definitely going.

Definitely. Won't be long, now.

It's just a question of time.

Meanwhile, we've GOT to find you

Tom! TOM!

I'm inviting Jamie de Jongh next week.

Anyway...

best novelist under 30, that sort

Isn't it, Tom?

Yes...

No novelist over 40

...or one PERSON over 40, in fact!

More mackerel pate, Emil?

Pate is Tom's department. He's

Absolutely.

Who's locked you in here, then?

How unusual!

Tell us about your

We're looking for an editor

someone with culinary know-how and

Really! Tom?

Yes?

Perhaps you'd like to talk to Jamie

Right.

I'd be fascinated to deconstruct

Really?

Speaking as someone who was taught

You should come by the office

Hello! Are you having a party?

Yes, we are!

Don't grind your teeth, Pam dear.

Why all the black - someone died?

Wish I'd known that pink winceyette

Nasty twitch, that, laddy!

Who is this woman?

No-one! It's the cleaner.

Sometimes she forgets to go home.

It's a housecoat. Come on - OUT!

By the way, Pam,

You can't beat Marks and Sparks

Dear, dear!

There is such a thing

That chap on telly uses it -

the bald one - like you, but nicer.

What's his name? What's he called?

Paul Daniels! That's the one, yeah!

By the way, Pam. Someone has locked

They lock themselves in sometimes.

fiddle, fiddle, fiddle.

Granny, you're brilliant!

She's doing it on purpose.

She's a senile old woman.

Whatever, she's ruining our lives.

Go to sleep! Sometimes,

Tom, I don't want you

What? She's my mother -

Never suggest killing her again!

Sorry, love. What do you think I am?

"Kill her"!

I want you to know I'm anti

Hello, Mummy!

Thank you, dear.

Your turn.

Hello, Lily!

I found your heart pills. Thank you.

Take a couple before you forget.

Hello, Mummy!

I found your heart pills. Thank you.

Hello!

Hello, Mummy!

OK - that should do it!

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Yes... Are you?

Mustn't grumble, you know.

Open your hand!

There's three weeks' pills...

...that I've forgotten to take.

I swear my mind is going, you know.

'Finally, the weather tonight

'So wrap up warm - particularly

Mummy?

Tea, mummy?

Thanks, Pam!

Lovely!

Mum - stop!

Granny, they were trying to... Aghh!

I thought you might like

Just the job, dear. Thank you.

How lovely!

I haven't been to Wales for years!

Why are we slowing down, dear?

We'll say she wandered off. It often

With luck, she'll die of exposure!

♪ ...Ye cannae push your granny,

♪ You cannae push your granny

♪ You cannae push your granny

Do you think it'll be on Crimewatch?

Crimewatch?! Where's the crime,

Hello, dears!

Would you like some Bournvita?

Come on, Pam. Have a little sip.

Lily, I wouldn't...

...just like her dear old mum!

Jocasta, steady!

It's all highly amusing,

It's all a big joke!

You just sit around,

leeching us dry

and smirking!

GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!

And as for you, Mother...

...how could you be so selfish?

Can't you stop thinking

Can't you think about US

DIE, damn you!

WHY DON'T YOU DIE!

Why stop me?

You shouldn't shout at her like

I despair of you sometimes, Jocasta!

Because of the money! She's capable

I think you've blown it. Have I?

Yes! What shall we do?

I don't know! Go and be nice to her.

Hello, Mum! Everything all right?

Cup of tea? Your programme's on now

Mum?

Hand me my bag, Tom!

YES! We have a result!!

You CAN write that novel!

We CAN send the girls away

Isn't it glorious?

Um... yes.

Um... what shall we do with...

Tom!

Can't it wait until morning?

Well, I suppose...

Come on - upstairs!

Got your bedshirt on?

You're not dead, then? Crumbs, no!

I just nodded off. It's been

Granny...

...do you know

Pardon, dear?

Silly girl! I'm not being silly!

Not you, love - HER. Now listen.

Do you really like it here?

Would you like to go away?

Yes, yes I would!

All right then, dear.

You go upstairs and get Clio.

Be quiet as a cotton-wool cat!

We don't want to wake anyone.

When you're ready, meet me outside.

I'm just going to boil some eggs.

Sid?

Sid!

Sid!

Sid!

Where is it, you stupid cow?

Here we are, dear. Did you sugar it?

It better be sugared. I hope you

Remember what happened?

I haven't forgotten, dear.

'Your memory's like a sieve!'

Granny... Yes, dear?

It's bad to kill people, isn't it?

On the whole, dear, yes. Yes, it is.

This is like the Brains Trust!

That's Gilbert Hardy

Is it OK, Granny?

When there's a very good reason.

I'm hungry!

- well I've got some boiled eggs.

Let's see - I put them in here.

I tell a lie...