Original subtitles

'First, gentle reader,

'My name is, or WAS, Maud Jenkins,

'and my extraordinary tale begins

'I was housekeeper

'one Mr Adams,

Maud! Maud!

What have you done

I've no wish to do anything with

Eh?...No, My copy of Grey's anatomy!

Nothing, sir.

'I was fascinated

'and, with the knowledge I picked up

'I'd swear I was

'to those who couldn't pay Adams's

He's feverish AND sweating

It's the chilly sweats, I KNOW it

He's got something

My God! Something Latin!

Influenza.

Woe is me! The Devil has seen

What is it, Doctor?

Well... basically just the chilly

Four guineas. Four guineas, sir?!

Well, that's to save the hand.

I can give you something

If that doesn't work, come back

Four parsnips.

All right, all right... four carrots.

Where the devil have you been?

I've been calling for an hour.

I can't read this blasted letter!

Wrong foot, sir? Wrong chap!

He'd only got a few toes,

but... here...

Well, it's from your son, sir.!

that you would find him

a practice on land when HMS Venturer

I know the very thing!

Squire Thorpe in Suffolk has

'Although I had never met young

'He was a roaring drunkard

I'll wager any man 100 sovereigns

Sir!

Very well...

I'll wager you

Done, sir!

Hurrah!

100 sovereigns!

My son, a village doctor! In a few

What, a senile, half-witted,

Hmm?...Yes, that's right.

(Dear, dear!)

Maud! MAUD!

Sir! Sir!

'And so, both father and son

Pardon me! You were Mr Adams'

Indeed, sir. The doctor has left

You are to be out by morning.

That's none of my affair. Good day!

'It seemed to be the end

'I could have become a nurse

'and disposing of stools,

'but I couldn't, as a mere woman,

'ever become more than that.

'...Or COULD I?'

Dr John...

...Dr John Adams,

I have a letter of recommendation

'Physician?'

I've never met a physician who was

...A QUACK, sir?

Exactly!

Father!

Really? And what happened to him?

I stripped him, pushed a carrot up

He never returned. I see.

He was a fake!

Well, there it is.

Rent is paid to me on the first.

I recommend you stay away from me

(Charming!)

Come along, Katherine!

I am the new resident - Dr Adams.

Gillian, sir - the housekeeper.

Well, I'm sure we'll get on very

Yes... maybe not quite THAT well.

I feel it only fair to inform you,

who have less... sticky-out bits

My bags, please, Gillian.

'I settled in quickly and,

'the villagers began coming to me.'

Don't worry -

There's a new discovery -

which renders the patient insensible

Unfortunately, I haven't been able

'I soon realised that Dame Sickness

Sir! Quick, it's Miss Katherine!

Why the devil are YOU here?

May I, at least, examine my patient

Very well. But be quick

Hot head... runny nose... sore throat?

This is something I call

Note this down, it's very important.

She'll need this, a vitamin, see?

Some lemon, to SIP. Lemon... sip.

And these pills from Paris.

Let's see.

Do you know, I think

And she will be well?

You've changed...

Have you grown sideboards

Hell of a five o'clock shadow!

Any mountebank, butcher or quack

So, I trust, sir, you won't need

Well, it all looks perfectly fine

I can't stop showing it to people!

Get out!

"Squire Thorpe requests the pleasure

Get OUT!

Thank you, Gillian.

Well, well, well...

I'm glad to see you

All thanks to the good doctor, here.

Where have you

Word has it that you were

You see, Gerald?

Gerald went to Ipswich, didn't you?

A sailor! I knew it! Really? Yes.

...the CUT...

...of his breeches!

What was your ship?

Yes! Lost with all hands

a few months ago, was she not?

Fortunately, I had left her

Very fortunate!

Thank goodness!

I did, of course, see some action...

I can imagine!

...and was WOUNDED.

...Perhaps the ladies would like

Yes, yes!

No Doctor!

You may not come with us!

Doctor!

Good God, no!

What, spend the next two hours

Women are delightful creatures

One may as well try

God forbid they should ever get

God forbid they ever join the army,

In my opinion, sir, women are

Well... er... quite!

Gentlemen,

Havana cigars!

So, Squire Thorpe...

I am surrounded by women...

another one?

For sexual intercourse.

Well, there is THAT, I suppose, yes.

Awfully good cigars!

Very patchy grouse this year.

Old chap?...I say...

Old chap?

Here, old chap.

Have a glass of water...

Fine, yes, fine, thank you.

Come, Father!

You may no longer deprive us

Very well, my dear. Gentlemen...

...would you...?

I HOPE, sir, I may be forgiven for

Indeed, sir.

You're a good chap! It'll be good

'Squire Thorpe and I became

'Indeed, as we spent more time

Show me a woman who would tramp

or shoot, drink ale

one who likes a briar pipe and

Show me such a woman

Doctor Adams? Yes.

Doctor John Adams junior

No, sir. I am introducing myself.

I am Dr John Adams junior

What I want to know is...

You're not dead, then? I don't

What do you want?

...I visit my father to find that

This chap's using my name,

and doing very nicely,

Well... it seems to me that someone's

So, what I want, sir, is a place

'John Adams came to live with me.'

'My erstwhile pleasant life

I'm going to the ale-house! So?

So... MONEY, Doctor.

Why, thank you! Doctor (!)

'I offered him large sums to leave

'...Unless he was hiding

Good morning. Doctor Adams?

Good morning, sir. May I help?

Now, we've come to perform a small

The operation we have in mind

you owe to our employer - Mr Tysson

...neither of us are

so, should it not be possible,

But I'm not him!

So, shall we start with all the

In that drawer.

Dear!

Dear, dear, dear!

What the blue blazes is going on?

Seize them, Beezer!

Satisfied customers, Doctor?

You have saved my life.

Not at all. I'm not one for

I've come to make you

Marriage?

Aye - what do you say?

How did you know, sir?

and the fact is, dammit, I like you.

I'm very flattered, sir.

I love you and will be yours.

I'm sure you and Katherine will be

I said... er...

...I'd love to... and will be

Right! Well, there it is!

'One thing was clear.

'And I had one advantage over young

'but he DIDN'T know

'I had a cleavage

More ale!

Barman! A tot of rum, if you please!

Rum - that's a sailor's drink.

Aye! And the nearest any girl

You like a sailor, then, do ye?

I can't resist 'em!

And, if I told you I was a sailor?

I should say I knowed so, sir.

I can tell a seafaring man

Barman! More rum.

What have you in mind?

Well, I'll lay the contents

that if you whisper the name

I'll know it by watching you walk

You'll name my ship

Yes.

I'll take your money, madam.

Now.

Were you disguising your walk

No.

Why, then, your ship

Aye!

Remarkable!

What is your name, witch?

Maud, sir. Now, Maud, I like you.

And there's plenty more of that!

Yes? Let's just say

the doctor and I have an

Some gentlmen were looking for the

and a shorter one with dark eyes.

Aye, he did. Why, do you know them?

By reputation. They seek me for

No, they were looking for Dr Adams.

I am Adams. He is an impostor!

What will you do, sir?

I don't know.

Seems to me a very SIMPLE problem.

Why not just arrange the death

of Doctor Adams?

...what DO you mean?

Well, write him a letter, asking him

to settle affairs between you,

Excellent!

'So, I returned to Dorset, to become

He's here. He's in the drawing room.

Don't forget - the poison's

In the claret, got it!

Well!

My dear sir!

So, what am I to call you?

All right, all right! No need to be

I think you'll find this

For myself, I prefer port.

Your health!

So... how was your journey?

Myself, I find the Bratton road

Helps to work up a thirst,

You wrote of affairs

Affairs?...Yes... affairs, yes.

Down the hatch! Bottoms up!

Anuses aloft!

Buttocks in the belfry!

And again! Your very,

Delicious!

Excuse me, sir, I need to speak

Maud!

Maud!

Where the devil are you?

Maud!

There you are! I don't understand

He's not even pissed, let alone

Yes, sir. It works

In the port?!

Ashes to ashes,

'Mr Adams left me his house,

'the toast of all England.'

"To Florence..." Nightingale.

"...with very best wishes for the

Don't forget your lamp, now!

'I had finally settled in a house

'One day, a neighbour came

Good morning, ma'am. My name is

How do you do, sir? Would you like

Aye! I will!

And then, after we've fished,

and shot half the animal life

and smoked all the baccy

perhaps you'd join me upstairs,

to that little John Thomas of yours.

'And that, gentle reader,

'The story of Maud Thorpe