Original subtitles

I want a mortgage.

Certainly, sir.

Well, I've seen

Needs underpinning,

What's your name?

RIGHT! We don't want to spoil

Hurry!

HURRY UP!

Thanks a lot.

You don't do bridging-loans, do you?

Nearly ten to the hour on

for two free tickets to Minneapolis

"Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da." was made

Marmalade!

...give us a call if you think

Who will win those tickets?

We have Wayne from Elm Park

Mungo Jerry.

Was it Pavarotti?

YES!

IKE AND TINA TURNER was a VERB when

Metropol Hotline. Name and location?

Putting you through,

Who is it then, Denise?

Well...

Denise?

Or else you'll see what this can do

Who was it? Marmalade. IT WAS!

Now, pull out and drive.

Eyes on the road!

How long are we going to be? What?

How long is this going to take -

It's just I've got to pick my

Bernie doesn't like to be

Excuse me, but if you'd just hear

All right. Well... All I'm saying

that's what he means. He doesn't

I don't want a repeat of last time.

I arrived early cos Stanstead's good

Been recently? Well, it's very good.

I lost my credit card

So the Faro flight docked -

He drops all his duty-free, trying

he has a screaming blue fit

and then gets a taxi and doesn't

Nothing personal, darling,

or Bernie in a bad mood...

Switch that off!

What else you got in that bag, then?

You've done a bank, haven't you?

How much you got? Just keep driving!

Denise - you are in a NIGHTMARE!

No, no! Still here - unfortunately!

...On the hour,

News is coming in

£200,000! Wow! Now, the raid

Farmer Street? Barclays? Hang on!

I'm there every day! Fascinating (!)

Who served you? Nobody!

Was it Mandy? Piggy... round glasses?

Brilliant!

Did you see the deputy manager...?

Here? This is the station!

I wish you'd told me! I'd have cut

One word to the police

Not at all! Any time! Love you!

Excuse me, sir.

We'd like to ask you a few

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

He's got a gun!

Oy! Get in!...Come on!

What's going on? You were seen. Huh?

It was on the news. Shite!

I ask you! From Hamleys, was it?

Yes, actually!

I knew it!

Why are you helping me? Well,

I'm a Capricorn. And Capricorns,

like a change of mind sometimes,

...unnecessary risks.

Whoooh!

MANIAC!

Eat shit, you mothers!

So, what about your husband?

Bernie? Let him take the train

If he changes at Bishop's Stortford,

He'll be through

He'll be by Menzies, huffing and

"Where is that stupid bitch,

Yeah, well, let him wonder for once.

Maybe I'm too busy to pick him up.

Maybe I'm bowling.

in some motel.

"What, Denise? Nah!!"

Maybe I've gone for a spin with that

Why are you stopping?

Stranraer?...Where's that, then?

Scotland.

Scotland! I knew you had an accent!

You're Scotch! Scotland, yeah!

Scotland! Jesus!

I thought we were in for

I've got a step-class tonight.

Bernie'll want to go to Homebase in

What have you got into?

I wish something exciting would

I'll have half now and half when

Cut?!

Ten per cent. Ten per...

Drive!

No. You drive! What?

Pull the trigger, dump my body.

You can't drive, can you?

How many tests did you take?

They lack the right co-ordination.

Ten per cent?

I think that's the going rate

Thank you! Lovely!

You wait here.

We're in luck, it's only Sheena.

Denise! Am I glad to see YOU!

We're out of Vita Cream,

Coffee break, darling? I've had one.

Well, take another one. You're

Talking of time off, there's no

Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Right, well, I think I'll go and see

That'll be 11 times now...

You're a dark horse,

♪ Love is in the air... ♪

They've got you down as twenties

A touch of henna

We'll have you looking like

What?

Did you know? What?

Dermatitis. Dermatitis?

Red, flaky scalp.

First sign of stress.

You are! I'm not!

Shit! I forgot the "Closed" sign.

Wotcher, Denise! Hi!

It's Gary. Who's he? He's a copper.

I'm seeing Sheena. Right!

Gary... can I introduce Marvin?

All right, Marvin?

Oooh, Gary, I'm so sorry, Sheena's

No, it's the dance tonight.

Sorry - no can do!

I'll take Marvin.

I'm sorry, Gary.

Why not? He's... busy.

He don't look it! Come on, Marvin,

Can you give Gary his usual?

Gary likes it layered, Marvin,

Thanks a bunch (!)

Come on! I want to shift some cattle

Can you make me look like that? It's

Please don't back-comb, Marvin.

All right, Gary?

Look, I got to be there by eight,

Where'd you get him from,

Hey, hey, hey! Hold on!

I've just come off shift.

'All units, '

'it's about the raid.'

I'm wrestling Edward Scissorhands!

'We've got more news. Our man is...'

'...Adidas bag. Green trim.

'but keep your eyes open.

'...One other thing -

'Got that?

'Over and out.'

What is it about you lot? You always

"He was average-looking

Not happy till you're on Crimewatch!

It's all right! You look fine!

Turned out a bit... Jason Donovan,

Sorry!

It'll take a bit longer this way.

Still... nice to see

Do you know what I REALLY fancy?

A toffee... There's one in there.

Sorry about that.

What's this?

THAT is a souvenir letter-opener

from Faro duty free. YOU explain it.

I fix meters with it.

Bollocks! Dear!

Bernie can't relax, either.

Do you ever stop?

Then, one day, he's

He's never played golf in his life!

Now he goes twice a year.

He stays somewhere called the hotel

Funny... I called him there once...

Still, that's probably

Funnier still... he doesn't bother

Sorry, what?

Do you EVER stop?

Meaning?

I bet you're incapable

Of course I can!

Fifty quid!

Right. 30 seconds starting... now.

Obviously, I'll...

There! That's a long time.

No! No music, no cigarettes

All right!

Thirty seconds starting from... now!

Wh...

Five.

Ten.

Fifteen.

Twenty.

Twenty-five.

Thirty.

A cinch, you see!

Not doing too bad today, are you?

The bag! Where's the bag?

Shit!

Denise, the cupboard's locked

You all right?

It's Wednesday. So?

It's Wednesday!

Trucks come in and out all the time.

But if you want to have a look

We haven't got time!

It could be anywhere!

I'm sorry.

You won't believe your horoscope

"You are forced to question

"as your plans may well go astray.

"Roll with the punches

We've still got my share.

Bernie.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Been away on your holidays, then?

What?! Sorry.

God!

Looking forward to Christmas?

Just shut up!

It's not what you think...

...Ireland.

Beautiful country.

All that barbed wire

that's just one square mile

Even then, they never show you the

It's like Hello! magazine

The worst thing about Ireland

It never stops frigging raining.

I remember, when I was a nipper...

JESUS!

Argh!

What happened?!

Come on, let's stop off somewhere.

Ten, twenty,

thirty,

forty,

fifty...

Would you really have done it? What?

Kill me. When you got in the car.

Yeah.

I don't believe you.

Why don't you run us

She made phone contact.

They're at the Claymore Hotel,

They're here, all right!

All units, be careful with

What's that?

Urgh.

Fell down the stairs, didn't I?

Why don't you leave him?

You get used to everything

Even this.

What...?

Shite!

What is it? Is this you?

What?

Don't be stupid! What's your game?

You've been stringing me along! Me?!

We're in this together, aren't we?

Get out there!

Get back!

Get back! Right back out of the way!

You got me in this mess,

Anyone comes in, and she gets it!

Back! Stay back!

You're surrounded. Anyone move,

and I'll kill her. I mean it!

Clear the entrance.

Go on, Denise.

You wouldn't do it!

You wouldn't!

Go on, little Denise. Drive.

You're not going to do it.

What did your horoscope

She met a knight in shining armour.

Drop the gun and get out.

Well done, Denise.

Sean Lacey, you are under arrest

for the murder of Bernard

What?! You're also under arrest

and the abduction

Anything you say...

Sean, eh?

Jesus, what a mess!

You all right, love?

Yeah.

Did HE do that? Yeah.

I'll have him! I'll have him!

Is it true that he...?

You know! That he, erm...

Three times. My God!

I think they should be castrated!

Dean says there's this injection

Denise, all those terrible things

I feel just awful now.

Well, I think you're done now.

It's lovely. There we go.

Thank you very much! Lovely.

Have a lovely time. And don't

Best thing for mosquitos.

No-one deserves to go like that -

not even him!

Poor Bernie!

Yeah.