Original subtitles

To whoever finds me,

there is a stamped addressed

Please place this tape

Thank you.

Dear Mum,

As you will know by now, I am dead.

How are you?

I... I just wanted to say...

...I just...

Look, I've got everything wrong

One thing I've GOT to get right

Tina, coming for a drink? Sod off

Shi...

I didn't mean YOU.

Hang on a minute, Mum. I'm coming.

Hang on, Mum.

Help.

Person in the next room,

could you help me, please?

God!

Sodding typical, this is!

I can't even hang myself

Well.

One.

Two.

Three!

I thought this room was free.

Stay EXACTLY where you are...

I'll hang myself! You won't make it.

You... er... came in

So, er... you're just about

Yes.

Do you think you'll be much longer?

A bit longer, yes. I'm just

You're really into

Hang on,

that's personal, that is!

'I've GOT to tell my mum

My suicide note.

'Sod off and die,

Got it wrong.

Look, you really want

Do you care?

I'm sorry, but you're a bit late.

I've no friends, I've lost me job

and I'm definitely hanging myself.

Promise?

Look, I NEED the room!

You're not trying

You're saving me the effort.

What do you mean, "the effort"?

Look,

I'd love to chat but I haven't got

Sorry (!)

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Could you pass me

I can't reach it, you see,

cos of this noose round me neck.

Yes, well, that's because

It's a common mistake.

You've committed

Well... not my own.

Right.

OK, I need a chair.

A chair.

Um... could I have that chair?

In a minute.

What's this?! We're being shot at!

Aargh!

I was only trying to kill myself!

Not having much luck, are you?

God! I think I've been hit!

I think I'm bleeding! Shut up!

I've been hit! My leg hurts!

Embarrassed? Most people,

Flesh wound? Actually, it doesn't

Maybe I didn't get hit.

You're soaking!

God!

Sorry.

I can't believe this!

It's disgusting!

I thought it was blood. Honestly!

Excuse me (!)

I'm hanging myself when you jump in

Careful! You're in the line of fire.

From people shooting

No. They were taking a risk. They

Anyway, why should you care?

Well, I WAS. I got fired.

I don't understand this. Well...

...I made a little mistake.

It was a whole housing scheme,

Yes, the police had barricades there

What a stupid, stupid mess!

It's difficult to explain, really.

It started with some street theatre

A bit embarrassing - in the middle

What are you going to do?

You came here to kill yourself?

Well, it could be the Samaritans -

What?!

They hung up on me.

No. Maybe it's my friends

Is it your friends shooting at you?

Yes?

We know who you are,

and the details of your assignment.

You will present yourself here

or you will be brought.

I look forward to meeting you.

What did they say?

They want me to go and see them.

Will you go?

Now that WOULD be suicide.

You didn't get hit, did you?

Which rather suggests that...

...the angle is wrong.

And they haven't seen you.

Carmela Vezza. Hello.

Tina Mellish. Nice to meet you.

Yes.

Have you done that before?

Sit down, Tina.

So...

...why are you helping me?

Tina, I'd like to put a little

So far, in my professional life,

So you're a social worker, too?

Not so much a social worker,

That's what they said about me.

The crucial distinction here

We know what goes on when you've got

No, Tina... Pillow time, right?

What I'm TRYING to explain

on purpose, for large sums of money.

Right.

I'm a contract killer.

You're not, are you?

Contract killer, yes. Prove it.

I will, Tina, soon.

Good!

The situation is this...

...there's a man in an office across

...stop him..

But the man in question

So the likelihood of my getting out

Understand?

So you want me to help you.

These fit on your forearm, see?

This fires a blade,

Why are you...?

That's faster than a foster parent!

Would you like to be a foster

They are triggered by muscles in the

Don't shake hands. A colleague

God, I know how it goes. I once took

Shut up.

Will you please concentrate! Right.

The man I came to kill

unless I kill him first, that is.

He knows I always work alone

...is you. What?

What?!

No! I'm not going to kill anyone!

So that's the game we're playing!

Right, well...

...two can play at that game!

Stop! One more move and you're dead!

Yeah, well, so am I!

Helen Mellish.

Dear Mum. No!

No! Please!

Give me that. Give that back!

Let's negotiate.

Do you want me to go and get her?

It'd be suicide.

Shouldn't have missed the first

What do you think she's doing

I don't know...

...but we have to be ready.

Remember, she's the best.

Whatever she comes up with,

Tina?

Are you OK?

Are you having

Nothing I couldn't handle.

Where are you now?

Inside...

...by the lifts.

You're about to be stopped

Excuse me.

These guys are tough.

Excuse me, miss. Your pass, please.

Um... Your pass, miss.

You didn't show it. Sorry.

Sorry.

I thought I did. I thought I did.

You don't think that at all!

I've had a long day, I'm no

and I'm empowered to use force when

Your pass. Look in your handbag.

Pardon?

Say it was a joke. It was a joke.

Smile! Smile!

No! No!

Did you just tell me to shut up?

Don't copy me, you stupid bitch!

I think you'd better

Go with him.

Say nothing

Wait here.

This is bad. If they throw you out,

These guys are really tough.

Just remember that your average

What's a blow job? Tina,

Anyway,

Either you leave now

You've got to get on his good side.

I think I know

Tina!

You just want a blow job, don't you?

Well, do you want one?

Er...

...you serious?

This probably isn't a good idea.

Just forget about that pass, right?

Wait here a moment.

Carmela, did you give me

That, I would have remembered.

Well, I never really fancied all

Messy... yes.

You wouldn't believe

They'd all turn out to be perverts

Tell me, do you find

No! He's horrid!

I'm afraid, Tina,

a blow job is, technically speaking,

oral-genital stimulation.

That's quite a mouthful, isn't it?

Yes, quite. You mean...?

Stimulation of the... er... Whatsit.

...by the mouth.

God! You'd never think

Listen...

Ready, love?

Well, er... Come on, then.

This way, love.

Anybody in here?

Wait there, dear.

Tina, there's one tiny detail

Z-Z-ZIP!

Now, I know it's a disgusting idea,

Have you started already?

That was keen!

How's it going?

He's dead.

Wow! You're good! I mean,

Christ!

Get out of there! Fast!

There's a queue waiting outside!

Perfect (!)

You'll just have to find

Next.

Anything? The blind's still down.

But she's moving about.

Are you sure you don't want me

Eventually,

she has to come to us.

Excuse me,

I'll have a look.

I am at the top.

Can you see the reception area?

Go to the desk

and say you want

Say you have an appointment.

Just do it! I haven't got one! Tina!

Can I help? I'm Tina Mellish. I have

I don't think he has

Well, actually...

Mellish...

Your name's not here.

There must be some mistake.

I haven't made an appointment.

Tina,

what we're doing here is lying!

We're just going to lie

Now, you DO have an appointment.

And your name's Tina Mellish?

No! It isn't! Tina!

I didn't! Tina, please!

Um...

...him!

Tina, you can stop lying now.

I don't really have an appointment.

Mr Lambert.

What is it?

Something odd - a lady's here

Tina, Lambert is dangerous.

He'll come and check you out.

Tina Mellish.

What's this?

I just pointed at you - like that.

There's another. What's going on?

Nothing!

Yes, I will.

Mr Lambert will see you

Who did that?

Aargh!

Her!

It's OK. Don't worry.

Aargh!

I'll just take a seat over here

What's going on?

They just... died!

People don't "just die",

Doesn't it make you appreciate

YOU killed all these people.

Well done.

Eh?

I'm working for the same people

I presume you are Carmela's agent.

Thank God!

I thought I was a goner then!

Sorry!

What are you doing?

I squirted Mr Lambert with cyanide.

I didn't inhale. It's OK.

Sorry. Shit!

I've shot him with a poison dart!

I think I got it out in time.

Jesus! I don't feel so good.

God!

I'm dying!

That's lucky.

For God's sake,

He's useful.

With Lambert, we MAY get out alive.

He's just coughing a lot. You have

Right.

If only Lambert had told us

this whole thing

Tell Lambert to put the pill

It's scorpion venom - quite lethal.

He'll be dead within a minute..

I hope his office is soundproofed -

there will be a lot of screaming.

A lot of screaming.

Will I be OK?

It will only hurt for a moment. Why?

What have you given me?!

Where's Lambert?

Dead.

I put seven security men downstairs!

How did you get past them? Again...

they're pretty much... dead, in fact.

You murdering bitch!

And my receptionist?

That's a nice coincidence,

Doverson.

Can you hear me? Where are you?

I've fitted a concealed speaker

to my assistant's clothing.

Ingenious.

Carmela, should I be attempting

No, it's not important. OK.

I've got her at gunpoint, Miss

It's all over. For you, yes.

You see,

my assistant is

It's true. You'd better be careful.

Yeah,

I've got quite a temper, buddy.

I mean, REALLY explode.

You bet! I'll hit the ceiling!

And the walls, too -

Did you hear that? She's wired me...

What?!

I have the detonator right here.

Explosives?!

Give her the gun.

Give her the gun!

You rotten cow!

She has the gun.

Tina, come to the window. Show me.

Bitch!

Tina, PLEASE be careful.

I'll show you!

Er, look...

...I don't see what... Get on it!

Put the noose round your neck. Now!

Now what?

I'll shoot you. I'll hang myself.

You still got my tape recorder?

You think I'm stupid?

I'll pick it up in the street.

She's all yours.

Nervous, Miss Vezza?

Couldn't you at least try her room?

I told you I saw her go out myself.

Hey, you!

That's my letter, that is.

That is mine! That is mine!

Go on. Make the call.

Get help.

It's all the time I need.

Tina!

Mum!

What have you been up to?

Mum!

What are you doing here?

I've got so much to tell you,

...burst!

'Dear Mum, As you will know by now,

'I'm dead. How are you?