Original subtitles

"All the world's a stage, and all

Shakespeare really knew what

but then he would,

This week, illusion and delusion.

We take a peek up the skirt

and look at her pants in

Me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me. Nimanenah, nimanenooh.

Nimanenah, nimanenooh.

Me, me, me, me, me.

Me.

Me.

God.

Me, me, me.

Nimanenah, nimanenooh, nimanenah.

That's better.

Hello, superstar!

Beryl, darling,

Now that's because I'm out there

Now you know that, don't you?

Actually, I am in the West End

Sounds interesting.

As it happens,

How do you fancy a telethon?

I...

I don't know. Come on.

It's with Terry Wogan.

Perhaps I could read something

Actually, I think they were more

WHAT?! Now calm down, Judy.

It's good exposure,

Well, not exactly, but you'll be

You can tell them to get stuffed!

So you'll think about it.

'20 minutes, Miss Talent.'

Typical!

Unprofessional, amateurish,

Don't run yourself down, Judy, love.

Honestly, last night,

You were half bad and half terrible.

Thanks, Tony(!)

Well, obviously, Terry Wogan

He's offered me a telethon.

What's the set-up? You give people a

Well, I'd expect sour grapes

After all, it can't be easy

and having no lines

Not for long, petal.

What do you mean?

I mean, sweetie, you better start

Tony! Tony! Tony!

Hello, Hampton, how are things?

Don't ask. I've been up the

I think she's going to have an op.

That'll leave Benedict on his own.

My sitter's on holiday.

How tragic for you.

She's picked up feline enteritis.

God knows how and where from.

Presumably from another cat.

Actually, I do know someone

Yeah, wonderful.

He stuffs them and then puts them

You're sick, Sparkle.

Not as sick as his cat. Ciao!

Hey, Tony, Tony, Tony.

I tell you what, Simon,

otherwise, I'll tell everyone

The fact that you don't have one.

Simon, you not successful

The only coloured pills you pop are

No, Judy drinks a lot.

You lie a lot. You bastard, Sparkle!

Christ! It's not

Yes. I'm playing the taxi driver.

Pathetic old queen.

Look, Timmy, would you do me a

Could you try...

could you try not being really

One of these days that Tony Sparkle

Hello, Beryl. Hello, er...

Telling me how to act. I was in

Course you were, Timmy.

Actually, Gareth is a

We had him on the Wayfarers

Do you know, Timmy, we had a

And you will again, Judy.

I don't want to be

No, the theatre is my life.

I'm doing exactly what

You're incredible, Judy.

Er, Timmy?

While you've got your tongue jammed

Thanks. Tony, darling,

Die in pain! Thank you!

So, since we've got a

perhaps you'd like to tell me what

How about the citizens

Dave? Chris?

John?

A load of bollocks.

Thank you, Inspector Salford.

I am running the criminal

This also applies to the recreation

I'm afraid that the Pussy Galore

due to the unfortunate arrest of

So, I thought it would be rather

to attend a matinee of the popular

Is there any nudity in it?

I understand the actors

And I would be very grateful if,

This Cats?

Cat Flap. Cat. Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, Sarah

Er, 80?

That's very kind of you, sir.

Ten minutes, everyone.

Have you seen the reviews of

No. Are they good?

Awful. Poor Flick(!)

Excuse me, everyone.

How about dismal?

Thank you, everybody. Now apparently

How many?

About 11. God.

But we are all

And we are going to go out there

because it is a privilege and it

Bravo.

And in reply, everyone, may I just

So? So, it's the big one - Arion.

Bloody hell!

It's a whole series of little

I play the scientist

and my wife just can't get my

No-one's impressed, Tony.

After The Wayfarers, I was the

That's probably because in

Great news, Tony. We're so thrilled.

Well done. No-one's listening, Tony.

We're all theatre people, here.

We love the theatre.

The management regret to announce

the part of the taxi driver

Never heard of him.

He's only the understudy.

No, no. It says here that

He also did a tour of Canada playing

He's a martyr to his mischievous

Ooh, and he was Constable Wilson

Constable Wilson,

I remember him. Which one's he?

He's the one that's not appearing.

So, we're watching

Shh!

(Elaine Paige.)

What a long drive across

Yes, it's 17 miles to Bodmin,

I expect the crow is grounded

Aye. If the fog sets in,

I do hope we haven't made

Of course not, darling.

After all, Penny and Roger

And, after all, I'm a doctor,

Yes, of course, you're right.

I'm just being silly.

Be a dear, John,

Just because I work for your father,

doesn't mean I'm your servant,

I do apologise.

Just look at Judy.

She really is staggering.

That will be the gin.

Cheer up, John. We're all

I wonder if there's anything

What's this?

A dangerous convict has

Bodmin prison? Isn't that near here?

No, it's miles away.

If any convict should manage to

Take me to my room, Roger.

Give us a hug, everyone.

Every time I do this part,

It's like an onion,

I thought you milked the

No, you catch the audience

leave them hanging on the cusp, ride

Kiss me!

John, how could you?!

Mary! She means nothing to me.

It's you I love!

It's a nightmare,

Dear!

John!

John, John, my husband.

And my best friend.

Is there no way out of this hell?

Not even a little cat flap?

Hello, theatre bar.

Yes, Beryl.

Miss Talent may operate the phones

but she'll be partially

by the remaining members of

and the Honey Monster. Yep, got

I thought you were my best friend.

Tell me it isn't true, Penny.

Who can that be? So far away from

I'm sorry to trouble you,

but I was out looking for a prisoner

and my van crashed in the fog.

Penny, put the kettle on. I'd better

NO! It's OK, it's fine. Really.

Thank you.

So, did you talk to the Arion people

Did I? You know you did.

I helped you workshop those

Doesn't ring a bell.

Do you want me to beg?

Ice and a slice, madam? No, cheery!

Be cheery! Cheery.

Ice and a slice, madam?

Diction! Remember diction!

That's most kind of you, sir.

Relax, breathe in...

Be with you in a minute, sir.

A madman on the loose and a stranger

As soon as we have a cup of tea,

This is some happy new year!

And whose fault is that, you swine?

Steady on, Penny!

If we all just calm down a little

Quite right, old girl.

It's almost midnight.

Let's all have a cup of tea, put on

Perhaps the new year will bring

to our mixed up lives.

Perhaps...

So, let's use this as a hypothetical

deduce from the information

That's very kind of you, sir.

You don't recognise me, do you?

I was in the box office, earlier.

Yeah, you've got to be

I can do box office, bar,

And you should see

Be with you in a minute, sir.

Or perhaps, Penny Wigson?

Chris? Dave?

No Elaine Page?

No, not today.

But I've had 'em all in here.

Tony Hopkins, Peter O'Toole,

People say to me,

Keep your hair on,

So, any ideas at all?

About anything?

It's obvious.

Yeah, definitely.

That's interesting.

Anyone bothered by the fact that

Now, what can I get you, sir?

My God! He's been shot! With a gun!

Everyone, keep calm.

Is he dead? John! Darling John!

God, she's really going

My God, he's been shot!

By a gun! Everybody, keep calm.

Is he dead? Yes, you bloody idiots!

By a gun! Everyone, keep calm.

Is he dead?

Come on, Judy, love,

As I said before,

Mary, weren't you going to say that

Someone here really is a murderer!

Look, everyone stop the play!

She's rambling, she's lost it...

It's Tony, he's dead!

Put the house lights up!

Bloody hell!

He really has been shot!

Tony! Darling Tony!

For Christ's sakes,

Anthony Sparkle was one of the

A tragic loss to live theatre and a

His later work...

That won't be necessary, madam.

Now, we've here a crisis situation.

It's a very good opportunity

What's the first stage

We tell the training officer to

Sit down, Sally!

Right, all you nancys, stay put.

Watkins, round up everyone

I beg your pardon,

I am. Inspector Salford,

I really think the public courtesy

Shut up! Keep an eye on him,

I'm taking charge of this

Chief Inspector Galbraith

For God's sake,

The play is over!

Tony is dead!

So, will I be doing

Hold on,

I know you.

It's the Irish taxi driver.

Yes, I've worked

Barry the barman from the Dominion.

His vodka and tonics were said to

There was Phil,

I could tell you some stories

Excuse me, would you two come with

Someone used the cover of the sound

And now he's dead.

Tony!

God, I need a drink.

Come off it, Judy.

He cast you aside like

he bought at a penny bazaar.

For God's sake, Basil,

I know, but rather well delivered,

So, Miss Talent, are we to take it

Yes, it was after the Wayfarers.

He wanted to act and I gave him

I loved him then and, however he's

But, Judy, darling, what about me?

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy,

you're just a boy.

It was fun, it was sweet, but

Am I the only man here who hasn't

I think that's irrelevant,

All of us here had a motive to

That's the line from Act Three

What do you mean,

Will there's Simon

Tony was blackmailing him

What drugs problem?

Exactly! You were paying Tony to

Bastard! I'll kill him.

Too late, love, but then

What about you then, Basil?

Hold on, hold on, I'm just

I'll take it from the top.

What about you then, Basil?

We all know you loathed him.

Nonsense, we were old friends.

Really, Inspector,

I've got one cat was a tummy upset

Don't try and

You never forgave Tony because

of Widow Spanky in

No, he didn't! Yes, he did!

At the Croydon Leisure Centre

Starring Ed "Stew Pot" Stewart.

Certainly a motive for murder.

All right. All right! I hated him.

Night after night, I watched him

whilst I languished stage left

That's a good one, lads?

Sorry I took so long, sir.

Sit him down, Watkins, whilst I get

Singing? Sarah Brightman?

Bravo!

So, if I may recap. You, matey,

No, but then neither is Sarah.

So, what do we make of Sarah?

Chris? Dave? John? No?

Well, I suppose I might

Tony promised to get me the

in the Aryan commercial.

Slut!

Together, we made it work.

The characters lived.

They were real!

Then as soon as he got the part,

Yes, I wanted him dead!

But not as much as Timmy.

Timmy, now there's a turn up.

How does he fit into our

Timmy hated Tony, because

and worse than that,

whereas Timmy was just starting out.

That doesn't sound very convincing.

Too angry? You're right.

I'll try it again.

Timmy hated Tony because...

It's a lie!

I've done plenty of great work. What

What about She Stoops To Conquer,

Anyway, you've got to believe me.

I could never kill anyone,

And Pisces!

He's quite right.

He's a bit of a gardener as

Any other theories?

How do we know it wasn't suicide?

Tony would have done

That's enough!

Hello. Now we're into a firearm

Shut up, everyone!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Me! Judy Talent.

Any ideas now?

Back off, everyone!

You probably think I'm mad.

Well, perhaps I am.

You don't know what it's like to be

and the next you're pushing 40

Actually, there were

Apparently the Honey Monster's

so you'll be behind a Dalek instead.

Not now, Timmy! Where was I?

The phone isn't ringing.

Yep, yep, yep.

All the world's a stage,

but I didn't have any lines.

And then Tony came along

I felt like a leading lady again.

But then... I was written out

I lost him and I found the bottle.

And then there were all the stories

There weren't any.

Not one!

I knew I'd hit

when I couldn't even get a piece

Let me tell you, BUDDY!

It's a long walk from

And I took a cab!

Judy, Judy, Judy,

it was pure magic. An honour!

Mwah, mwah.

Judy, you shone like

Mwah!

Of course, not quite how I would

A bit eggy all round.

You're too kind!

Very sad.

A moving story, Miss Talent.

Yes, but it's not true.

What?

Miss Talent couldn't

Because I did.

Why, Reg?

Well, it's obvious. I'm not a fool.

I know the real glamour's not in

With Mr Sparkle out the way I

To play John Parker?

No. Mr Duval would naturally

I'd get to play the taxi driver

You're a very, very sad fellow, Reg.

And what you say to

OK, so what if he did kill him.

I'm damned if the bloody barman's

I admit it.

I didn't kill him.

It's just another sorry chapter

of an actress who's lived

who's travelled each

but more, much more than this,

I did it and I must pay the price.

It's all over, Reg Drewitt.

La commedia e finita.

No.

I think I've sprained my ankle.

So, once again, old-fashioned

Turner?

It only remains

Hands up, foreign chummy!

I arrest you on suspicion

Irish!

♪ Murder most horrid

♪ As strong as a smoke from a barrel

♪ As cool as the blade of the knife

♪ She's a stranger you love

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ Enormously torrid

♪ Murder most horrid