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No, you unnatural hags.
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Do you know, Shakespeare really knew
3
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This week we address the twin
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The ugliest coupling since Sarah
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Be afraid, be very afraid.
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You must be Maria.
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Maria.
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Lydia Howling. Do come in.
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We were expecting you
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Arrive yesterday.
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Um, er,
12
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What?
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Aeroplane a jacket.
14
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You left your jacket on the plane.
15
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No, no, no... Aeroplane, jacket,
16
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Hijacked, that's a bore.
17
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and have a little nap and meet me
18
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My husband, Maurice, and I
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Here's to you, Maurice, the
20
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As Chairman of the party I
21
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I must say I was devastated when I
22
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Nonsense. You were delighted.
23
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I was not delighted, Sir Hugh,
24
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Well, its just the opening
25
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A by-election in a rock solid seat.
26
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You're far more our type,
27
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a man who cares about the community.
28
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£5,000 to the green women's
29
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£10,000 to the local
30
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staggeringly caring but hopelessly
31
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I'll stop the cheque on Monday.
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No, Maria, drinks now.
33
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Remember we alternate,
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Drinks, momento, momento,
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drinks, drinks, drinks. Drinks.
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No, thank you, did I see a tray
37
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What is vol-au-vent?
38
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You just brought those, Maria,
39
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Glasses, glasses, no, no...
40
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Glasses, glasses.
41
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Yeah, OK, glasses.
42
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So, who's that? Maria, new girl
43
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Didn't you have another one?
44
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Elvira, she said she'd prefer to
45
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Vol-au-vent for you,
46
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OK.
47
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She's trying to say peanuts.
48
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Sweet.
49
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Bye-bye, Roger, see you soon.
50
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Any chance of getting the PM over?
51
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A photo with Maurice and old rabbit
52
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Well, go on then!
53
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Are we still on for the 20th?
54
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Vol-au-vents.
55
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Yes, Maurice will be in Swindon
56
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Bye. Bye... Goodbye.
57
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Dear papa, I have been in London
58
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Sorry it has taken me so long
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I am very happy, I have nice room
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than our whole house in Brazil.
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Miss Lydia is very nice.
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She says to cook and clean
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so she lets me do other work too.
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Maria, would you get that, please?
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Dear Papa, I am very lucky
66
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They even took me
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For God's sake, Maria, hurry up!
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And please tell Uncle Louis
69
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I hope Dr Silvero is right -
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is the best cure for cholera.
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I am sure it is the mine workers
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We haven't had a chance
73
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Mr Maurice, what you do here?
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I'm sorry. You know how it is -
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this is the first shag window
76
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God, you're lucky, Maria,
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in my constituency who would love
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Stand up, Maria, turn round.
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Turn round, turn round.
80
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Not bad,
81
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not bad at all.
82
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Got some meat on you as well,
83
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Not like that Filipino girl
84
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She was built like a chicken
85
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So, Brrrazil?
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Let me show you where
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Jesus Cristo!
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Out my room!
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Dear, we are going
90
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No, Mr Maurice. I say no!
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How strange - a Brazilian lesbian.
92
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Well, there was Consuela,
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Guess who scored more times
94
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Then there was Benita,
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though I think
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Often had more than a bit
97
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Doesn't it worry you having all
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with a hunk like Maurice around?
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No, because one of the perks is
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fabulous boyfriends who've never
101
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Anyway, this Maria seems
102
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Absolutely, darling.
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Such bliss being able to pop over
104
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Boring!
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Boring! Boo!
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Where's the crocodile
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Boring! Boring! Boo!
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Hello, Mr Crocodile...
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Maria, coffees.
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Sorry, children,
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Thank you and where exactly
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A little village near Amazon.
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How thrilling.
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Leonard and I have business to
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and Armagnac in the study, Maria?
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OK.
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What is, Miss Lydia?
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But... You must know hundreds.
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What's the point of being
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Go on, sing something
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Your favourite song.
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Go on, Maria...
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Don't be shy.
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Brazil's a pain in the arse,
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I warned you
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An absolute menace.
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Now, Paraguay, you know exactly
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Yeah, no strike problems,
129
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regime keeps its nose out and
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And I'm sure the women responded to
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Name me a continent
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Come in.
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Coffee, Mr Maurice and a mac.
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Maria... Armagnac.
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So, what are we going to do
136
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(Garimpeiro.)
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There's no doubt there's more gold
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We need a second mine.
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Tell you what Leonard I've been
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Maria, Ssh...
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Ssh! In my Lego box.
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I come in a minute.
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No, now.
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We've got to play it carefully,
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The workers in the mine
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and the villagers aren't happy
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What is this hang up
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Dear Papa, I am so sorry to hear
149
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and also cousin Fernando, Paulo,
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I will pray for them.
151
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But I have wonderful news - the
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Can you believe it?
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He is a very kind man
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I am sure he will listen
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Life here with Mr and Mrs Howling
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but something very strange
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Maria, I want you to take today off.
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Today off? Yes.
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No work? No.
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I no understand.
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Look, go out and enjoy yourself,
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go to the cinema, the theatre.
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Alan Bennett's doing a series
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Look, just take the car keys and go!
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Near to the Howlings there is a very
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where I had my lunch.
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But when I come back I found I drive
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so I knew I had to explain to
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but she was busy giving Sir Hugh
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♪ How much is that doggy
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♪ Woof, woof
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♪ The one with the waggly tail... ♪
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By the way, I am also sorry
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If there was mercury
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then it has surely come
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I promise I will speak to Mr Howling
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So, it's your village, is it? Yes!
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Well, I'm very pleased.
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We've done a lot for your village.
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Brought employment, built a spanking
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You've got a ping-pong table
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But, Mr Maurice, the people in
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to our village, you dig another
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I have so little family left,
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That's tragic. Yes, Mr Maurice,
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Boris Becker out in straight sets,
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Miss Lydia. Right, Maurice's
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Miss Lydia. Four o'clock,
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Remember orange socks.
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Miss Lydia,
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Make it a quickie, Maria,
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It's about Mr Maurice.
193
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The mine he owns at Garimpeiro,
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Cholera, pollution. Last week
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my uncle, my brothers is dead.
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Maria,
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I'm terribly sorry.
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But I've got the Prime Minister's
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It is less than 24 hours
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Miss Lydia, my village!
201
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For Christ's sake, Maria!
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We liberate you from your Third
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over here, teach you English,
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and this is the thanks we get.
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I didn't see you diving
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when the Save the Kurds
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I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of
208
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Look, I think the best thing for
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Don't wake me.
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Who is?
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Number ten.
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What, you no name?
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OK, OK, OK, OK.
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Miss Lydia's sleeping.
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Maria seemed a bit off today at
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Maurice, nine-thirty!
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The bloody girl forgot to wake us.
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The Prime Minister
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Bloody bollocks.
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Maria!
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Wha...?
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My God.
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By G-God.
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Lydia!
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Lydia!
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Look, look.
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Lydia, we haven't got time.
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Yes.
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'Just to confirm, the PM
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But he's coming today, isn't he?
231
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'No, I rang yesterday
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Excuse me a moment.
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Sunday, yes, of course,
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Where is she?
235
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Maurice, can you believe it?
236
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They told Maria. I'm going to have
237
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What's the matter, Maurice?
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You've lobbied your last member,
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I did it for you, Maurice.
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Well, not entirely for you.
241
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When you've flown Concorde
242
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Maurice.
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Calm down, Maurice.
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Maurice. My God, Maurice!
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No, Maurice.
246
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No...!
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Please forgive me.
248
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Mr Maurice, I so so...
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Maria,
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One, we need a new kettle.
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Two, put my wife's corpse in the
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take the A245 for three miles,
253
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400 yards past a pub called the
254
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Put my wife at the wheel,
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push the car to the edge
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Walk back to Dorking,
257
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I don't advise going to the police
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and your work permit's just expired.
259
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And, three,
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Maurice, I'm so sorry.
261
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No, Sir Hugh,
262
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I was most attached to Lydia.
263
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Yes, I know.
264
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My dearest Papa.
265
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I am so sorry but it is still
266
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as Mr Maurice is still very upset
267
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and I must stay and comfort him.
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I am also sorry to hear
269
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It is lucky you and Uncle Antonio
270
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or you also would have been
271
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I know things are difficult
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I have an idea.
273
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Read again, Mr Howling.
274
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Mrs Evelyn Saunders, Save The
275
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Screaming Banjo Watson,
276
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Pencil Sharpener
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Maurice Octavius Faversham
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Maria, you are handling
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God, that's good..
280
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So, where were we.
281
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Yes, wife hunting.
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Belinda Scotney.
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She very, very boring.
284
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Always talk about horse.
285
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,959
She look like horse. Also pick nose.
286
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,319
Also she no fertile,
287
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,959
I know, I read in Hello magazine.
288
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,959
Diane Westbury. No, she dead. Maybe.
289
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,959
I give up. Who is there? Who?
290
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:07,639
Mr Maurice, I don't know.
291
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,959
Give me that champagne.
292
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:29,959
I don't know about you but I thought
293
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,959
Come and get me.
294
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,959
Come here!
295
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,959
♪ Maria
296
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:51,959
Maria!
297
00:25:54,960 --> 00:26:02,959
Maria. Mr Maurice.
298
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,959
No-one's done anything
299
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:10,959
Papa, you should have seen
300
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:17,319
I love you, Maria,
301
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:21,959
hot Latin guacamole
302
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:25,639
I have never seen him drink so much.
303
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,959
Mr Maurice, we go swim?
304
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,319
Swim?
305
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,959
Yes, you and me now.
306
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:40,959
Two in the morning. Yes, swim
307
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,959
...no clothes.
308
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,479
Dippy skinny.
309
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:59,959
You come up with some wonderful
310
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,959
I couldn't stop him, papa.
311
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,959
Come on, I want you down there,
312
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:18,959
Come on, Maria,
313
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:25,799
He went crazy. He wanted to go swim.
314
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:31,959
Come on, Maria, skinny dipping.
315
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,959
Come on, Maria!
316
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,959
Come on, follow me!
317
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:44,959
Watch this, my darling.
318
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,799
It was then that I remembered...
319
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:50,959
about the pool.
320
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:55,959
Poor Mr Maurice, he wanted to
321
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,959
and now he only make
322
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,639
He's left you everything.
323
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,959
Was it definitely your wish
324
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,959
Yes. You sure?
325
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:14,799
Close down, liquidise all assets
326
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,959
Each to his own, I suppose.
327
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,959
Well, that about wraps
328
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,959
You must be itching
329
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:32,159
You must be Sylvia. Sylvia.
330
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:35,959
I am Maria Howling, do come in.
331
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:43,959
Actually,
332
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:48,959
Why don't you pop upstairs
333
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:52,959
say five minutes, because I am
334
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,959
OK? OK?
335
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,959
♪ As soft as the smoke from a barrel
336
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:09,799
♪ As cool as the blade of a knife
337
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:13,959
♪ She's a stranger you love
338
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,999
♪ A caress could cost you your life
339
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,959
♪ And you wake in the night
340
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,999
♪ Your face flushed and florid
341
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:29,959
♪ Murder most horrid
21659
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