Original subtitles

No, you unnatural hags.

Do you know, Shakespeare really knew

This week we address the twin

The ugliest coupling since Sarah

Be afraid, be very afraid.

You must be Maria.

Maria.

Lydia Howling. Do come in.

We were expecting you

Arrive yesterday.

Um, er,

What?

Aeroplane a jacket.

You left your jacket on the plane.

No, no, no... Aeroplane, jacket,

Hijacked, that's a bore.

and have a little nap and meet me

My husband, Maurice, and I

Here's to you, Maurice, the

As Chairman of the party I

I must say I was devastated when I

Nonsense. You were delighted.

I was not delighted, Sir Hugh,

Well, its just the opening

A by-election in a rock solid seat.

You're far more our type,

a man who cares about the community.

£5,000 to the green women's

£10,000 to the local

staggeringly caring but hopelessly

I'll stop the cheque on Monday.

No, Maria, drinks now.

Remember we alternate,

Drinks, momento, momento,

drinks, drinks, drinks. Drinks.

No, thank you, did I see a tray

What is vol-au-vent?

You just brought those, Maria,

Glasses, glasses, no, no...

Glasses, glasses.

Yeah, OK, glasses.

So, who's that? Maria, new girl

Didn't you have another one?

Elvira, she said she'd prefer to

Vol-au-vent for you,

OK.

She's trying to say peanuts.

Sweet.

Bye-bye, Roger, see you soon.

Any chance of getting the PM over?

A photo with Maurice and old rabbit

Well, go on then!

Are we still on for the 20th?

Vol-au-vents.

Yes, Maurice will be in Swindon

Bye. Bye... Goodbye.

Dear papa, I have been in London

Sorry it has taken me so long

I am very happy, I have nice room

than our whole house in Brazil.

Miss Lydia is very nice.

She says to cook and clean

so she lets me do other work too.

Maria, would you get that, please?

Dear Papa, I am very lucky

They even took me

For God's sake, Maria, hurry up!

And please tell Uncle Louis

I hope Dr Silvero is right -

is the best cure for cholera.

I am sure it is the mine workers

We haven't had a chance

Mr Maurice, what you do here?

I'm sorry. You know how it is -

this is the first shag window

God, you're lucky, Maria,

in my constituency who would love

Stand up, Maria, turn round.

Turn round, turn round.

Not bad,

not bad at all.

Got some meat on you as well,

Not like that Filipino girl

She was built like a chicken

So, Brrrazil?

Let me show you where

Jesus Cristo!

Out my room!

Dear, we are going

No, Mr Maurice. I say no!

How strange - a Brazilian lesbian.

Well, there was Consuela,

Guess who scored more times

Then there was Benita,

though I think

Often had more than a bit

Doesn't it worry you having all

with a hunk like Maurice around?

No, because one of the perks is

fabulous boyfriends who've never

Anyway, this Maria seems

Absolutely, darling.

Such bliss being able to pop over

Boring!

Boring! Boo!

Where's the crocodile

Boring! Boring! Boo!

Hello, Mr Crocodile...

Maria, coffees.

Sorry, children,

Thank you and where exactly

A little village near Amazon.

How thrilling.

Leonard and I have business to

and Armagnac in the study, Maria?

OK.

What is, Miss Lydia?

But... You must know hundreds.

What's the point of being

Go on, sing something

Your favourite song.

Go on, Maria...

Don't be shy.

Brazil's a pain in the arse,

I warned you

An absolute menace.

Now, Paraguay, you know exactly

Yeah, no strike problems,

regime keeps its nose out and

And I'm sure the women responded to

Name me a continent

Come in.

Coffee, Mr Maurice and a mac.

Maria... Armagnac.

So, what are we going to do

(Garimpeiro.)

There's no doubt there's more gold

We need a second mine.

Tell you what Leonard I've been

Maria, Ssh...

Ssh! In my Lego box.

I come in a minute.

No, now.

We've got to play it carefully,

The workers in the mine

and the villagers aren't happy

What is this hang up

Dear Papa, I am so sorry to hear

and also cousin Fernando, Paulo,

I will pray for them.

But I have wonderful news - the

Can you believe it?

He is a very kind man

I am sure he will listen

Life here with Mr and Mrs Howling

but something very strange

Maria, I want you to take today off.

Today off? Yes.

No work? No.

I no understand.

Look, go out and enjoy yourself,

go to the cinema, the theatre.

Alan Bennett's doing a series

Look, just take the car keys and go!

Near to the Howlings there is a very

where I had my lunch.

But when I come back I found I drive

so I knew I had to explain to

but she was busy giving Sir Hugh

♪ How much is that doggy

♪ Woof, woof

♪ The one with the waggly tail... ♪

By the way, I am also sorry

If there was mercury

then it has surely come

I promise I will speak to Mr Howling

So, it's your village, is it? Yes!

Well, I'm very pleased.

We've done a lot for your village.

Brought employment, built a spanking

You've got a ping-pong table

But, Mr Maurice, the people in

to our village, you dig another

I have so little family left,

That's tragic. Yes, Mr Maurice,

Boris Becker out in straight sets,

Miss Lydia. Right, Maurice's

Miss Lydia. Four o'clock,

Remember orange socks.

Miss Lydia,

Make it a quickie, Maria,

It's about Mr Maurice.

The mine he owns at Garimpeiro,

Cholera, pollution. Last week

my uncle, my brothers is dead.

Maria,

I'm terribly sorry.

But I've got the Prime Minister's

It is less than 24 hours

Miss Lydia, my village!

For Christ's sake, Maria!

We liberate you from your Third

over here, teach you English,

and this is the thanks we get.

I didn't see you diving

when the Save the Kurds

I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of

Look, I think the best thing for

Don't wake me.

Who is?

Number ten.

What, you no name?

OK, OK, OK, OK.

Miss Lydia's sleeping.

Maria seemed a bit off today at

Maurice, nine-thirty!

The bloody girl forgot to wake us.

The Prime Minister

Bloody bollocks.

Maria!

Wha...?

My God.

By G-God.

Lydia!

Lydia!

Look, look.

Lydia, we haven't got time.

Yes.

'Just to confirm, the PM

But he's coming today, isn't he?

'No, I rang yesterday

Excuse me a moment.

Sunday, yes, of course,

Where is she?

Maurice, can you believe it?

They told Maria. I'm going to have

What's the matter, Maurice?

You've lobbied your last member,

I did it for you, Maurice.

Well, not entirely for you.

When you've flown Concorde

Maurice.

Calm down, Maurice.

Maurice. My God, Maurice!

No, Maurice.

No...!

Please forgive me.

Mr Maurice, I so so...

Maria,

One, we need a new kettle.

Two, put my wife's corpse in the

take the A245 for three miles,

400 yards past a pub called the

Put my wife at the wheel,

push the car to the edge

Walk back to Dorking,

I don't advise going to the police

and your work permit's just expired.

And, three,

Maurice, I'm so sorry.

No, Sir Hugh,

I was most attached to Lydia.

Yes, I know.

My dearest Papa.

I am so sorry but it is still

as Mr Maurice is still very upset

and I must stay and comfort him.

I am also sorry to hear

It is lucky you and Uncle Antonio

or you also would have been

I know things are difficult

I have an idea.

Read again, Mr Howling.

Mrs Evelyn Saunders, Save The

Screaming Banjo Watson,

Pencil Sharpener

Maurice Octavius Faversham

Maria, you are handling

God, that's good..

So, where were we.

Yes, wife hunting.

Belinda Scotney.

She very, very boring.

Always talk about horse.

She look like horse. Also pick nose.

Also she no fertile,

I know, I read in Hello magazine.

Diane Westbury. No, she dead. Maybe.

I give up. Who is there? Who?

Mr Maurice, I don't know.

Give me that champagne.

I don't know about you but I thought

Come and get me.

Come here!

♪ Maria

Maria!

Maria. Mr Maurice.

No-one's done anything

Papa, you should have seen

I love you, Maria,

hot Latin guacamole

I have never seen him drink so much.

Mr Maurice, we go swim?

Swim?

Yes, you and me now.

Two in the morning. Yes, swim

...no clothes.

Dippy skinny.

You come up with some wonderful

I couldn't stop him, papa.

Come on, I want you down there,

Come on, Maria,

He went crazy. He wanted to go swim.

Come on, Maria, skinny dipping.

Come on, Maria!

Come on, follow me!

Watch this, my darling.

It was then that I remembered...

about the pool.

Poor Mr Maurice, he wanted to

and now he only make

He's left you everything.

Was it definitely your wish

Yes. You sure?

Close down, liquidise all assets

Each to his own, I suppose.

Well, that about wraps

You must be itching

You must be Sylvia. Sylvia.

I am Maria Howling, do come in.

Actually,

Why don't you pop upstairs

say five minutes, because I am

OK? OK?

♪ As soft as the smoke from a barrel

♪ As cool as the blade of a knife

♪ She's a stranger you love

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ Your face flushed and florid

♪ Murder most horrid