Original subtitles

"Lilies that fester smell

Shakespeare really knew what

Though in olden days, he would

feather-pen writing,

This week, corruption -

not funny, not clever, not hygienic.

I don't know

I think it could be very handy.

You never know when

When am I gonna need

You might do. You said

I don't use the heliport!

You will - once they've

That's not something

An international conference centre

Three hooded men under the bridge.

Seek mortuus est.

I expect it's the Rotarians.

No, it's the Mafia.

So mote it be.

Try raising

It's never the Mafia.

It's the Sealed Knot. No, the

Forget the trouser leg.

So mote it be.

Can't be Hare Krishnas.

Who is it who dresses up

Medical students. No! Masons.

It's the Masons!

♪ Up, up and away in my beautiful

♪ My beautiful balloon

♪ Ba ba ba, bup ba da

♪ Ba ba ba

♪ Bup ba da

♪ The world's a nicer place

♪ It wears a nicer face... ♪

WPC Softly. Yeah.

What?

Really?! No.

I'm WPC Softly, Taunton Traffic.

Me?!

Are you sure?

Well, yeah, absolutely.

Where is Bambridge?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. I'm on my way.

Greetings, Knight of the Unicorn.

I'm Kestrel. I'm Sovereign

Greetings, omnipotent Knight of

How's things at the bank, then?

Yeah. You don't need

I've got the new ZX81 Canon.

Silence! The Knight of the Brazen

So mote it be.

Brothers,

Three senior members of the lodge

in full view of a 49 bus.

We had to. He was drawing

Not as much as he is swinging over

with his trousers at half-mast

All right.

But if we go down,

No-one's going down!

We're going to come out of this

She uses lemon Fairy... Silence!

We need to be cleared by the police.

No problem.

And by someone who isn't a Mason.

That's a problem.

Not necessarily.

I've already put a plan into action.

Come in, Softly.

Welcome to Bambridge. Thank you,

I expect you'll have heard

Yes, sir. A clear case of ritual

Looks like accidental death to me,

My enquiry, sir?

Not any more. I've arranged for

Your report on the Taunton

It's time that somebody of your

Like a high-profile,

I don't know what to say.

I'd say it was accidental death,

Don't take all day putting on

but I want to have this all wrapped

Hello. Softly.

No,

Look, I am in charge of this

No, I am not going to

I am not going to knock up

Because it says so in

This is my big chance, Mother.

I do not intend to ruin it.

I have to caution you, madam.

Argh!

Gentlemen, this is a textbook case.

It's very simple. It's what

We've got everything we need.

A victim, witnesses, suspects,

But there is one thing we

I want a big blackboard

Constable, get onto it.

Tea, love?

No, we'd like some tea, love.

Sergeant, I am a police inspector

I do not make tea!

All right. Coffee, then.

Look, let's get this clear right

I may be a woman.

That's undeniable because of these

Otherwise there is no difference

You're not a Mason,

Pardon? Male, male, ma'am.

You're definitely not a male.

Very perceptive, Sergeant.

Let's hope

Murder?

What murder? The murder of Ken

planning officer for the Bambridge

a vociferous opponent of

proposed by the three men identified

18 witnesses on the number 49 bus

saw these three men in robes

Well,

Edward Percival...

You'll never stand it up in court.

He's the judge.

Yes, but he's also the godfather

Mayor of Bambridge. Elected with

property developer Max Rammell.

Where's all this leading to, ma'am?

To the beige-carpeted executive

The judge owns the land, Rammell

So they gave

But that light

when Ken Jones inconveniently

were about to build on an area

That's out of order.

Well, it must be. It's gone

Ken's objections turned out to be

Costly because it cost him his life.

Is that clear? Not entirely, ma'am.

I still don't see where

That's why you're a constable,

Inspector. Who's too busy to

Now, we need plenty of names, dates,

I want a lot of biros. I want

and I want a lot of those pins

And get me a decent tape recorder.

Music, ma'am? It helps me

I bet it's going to be Mozart.

Marriage Of Figaro.

Don Giovanni.

The Magic Flute.

No. Swingle II,

Easy listening, Sergeant.

You may not like it,

Any questions? You couldn't

I do hope you're not squeamish,

Good. We don't want both of

I'm... I'm sorry about that.

I just find this all so disgusting.

Contents of stomach... toast, coffee,

At least we know what he had

No, that's what I had for breakfast.

I see. And what have you

Well, erm, he's definitely dead.

Yes, we know that.

Not sure, but, er, me cutting off

He was dead before he got here.

That eliminates me as a suspect,

You're not being very helpful,

I want to know exact details as

You should see somebody about that.

Doctor, I am heading a murder

I believe this man was killed

or by laceral trowel blows causing

Please - spare me the gory

The point is, Doctor, I want to

And I want something

Fine. More than likely be lasagne.

Get up, Constable.

Softly.

How's the investigation?

Fine, sir. It all seems to

Perhaps you're going about things

All I'm saying, Softly,

Ignore the obvious.

Look for the unlikely.

Right. I'll remember that,

For what it's worth,

the people that we arrest

Ma'am. Not now, Sergeant.

What, about getting pregnant

No, Sergeant. About the case.

I don't like it. It's too easy.

Something's wrong.

What? We're having a bit of trouble

Well, that shouldn't

There are 18 of them and

Well, that's another thing.

The bus hasn't shown up either.

That's public transport

We do have the pathologist's report,

Right, yes, here it is.

Here is the meat of the thing.

Dum-dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum.

"Cause of death... the common cold."

Terrible thing, the common cold.

"Ken Jones had a long history

"and was clearly suffering from

He should've worn a vest.

"Time of death...

Extraordinary! What about

Probably just kids mucking about,

Sergeant,

If we're going to stand this

Now, who's supposed to know

And if you can't stand up

There's a cat up

Kill the new-vicar story

Run with the cat. I want quotes,

You've got it. I'm sorry, Inspector.

I'm trying to run a paper here.

I'm investigating

Yeah. I remember vaguely.

I notice you didn't cover it

Pressure of space.

One mother of a news week. Sarah,

If it's not on my desk by next week,

Sorry.

Isn't a ritualistic murder

Don't try and tell me my job, love.

I've been in local papers

I know a story when I smell one.

Like the Brownie bring-and-buy sale?

Sexy story. Punchy pic.

Are you trying to tell me

Barry, where's the late-night

You get me hard copy, sonny,

Now, Inspector, I'm a busy man.

I'm particularly interested

Sorry. Which 18 people?

The 18 people who all happened to be

on the morning

Those 18 people! Yes!

Tell me, is it usual for

to give away open-ended holidays in

It was a good year for the Brownies.

Some years you win a bag of fudge.

Other years you go walkabout south

Doesn't that strike you as strange?

Not in Bambridge, love. No, no.

Stranger things happen here

The cat's come down the tree, boss.

Do a splash on the vicar.

I think it's time for

That bad, ma'am?

Not bad, Sergeant.

Still, no-one said

Yes, please, ma'am -

So, Sergeant, how did you get on

His Worship the Mayor was

Excellent. Did he confess?

Not in so many words.

That's a bit of a blow. It is

Careful, love, careful!

Right, that's it!

Would you like to drive, Sergeant?

No! I wouldn't dream of it.

I'm banned for life.

Driving a police car

Well, you asked for it.

What else did you find out?

According to the mayor,

Right!

He was depressed that the scheme

What secret scheme?

A secret scheme to turn the valley

into the nuclear-waste-dumping

That's outrageous!

That's the first I've heard of it.

Is there any documentary

Er... no.

It was a very secret scheme.

What's all this, Constable?

Sorry, love.

I'll get you another one

Now, to recap, we have lost all

if it was an accident,

Very interesting.

This case is ravelling

I think we need to try

It's got to be the cascading strings

Don't try and deny it.

You're in it up to

Stop stone-walling and start

you scum bucket!

Sergeant, I think I know a way

I want you to get onto

Tell Mr Rammell I'd like to meet

Yes, Sergeant, I have got

Listen, I'd like you to do a search

That's Romeo, India, Charlie, Harry,

Second name - Clayderman.

I don't care how long

I'm fed up with this Roger Whittaker

How dare you question me like this.

Do you know who I am? Yes, sir.

Do you know who Gazza is?

I think I should be

Well, don't ask me who Gazza is.

You could try me on Elton John.

Where were you the night

You were at Tottenham? No, no, no.

No, Ken Jones is dead.

Dear me. A tragic loss

I've booked the dungeon

Will you join me?

You wanted to see me, sir?

Is that your wife, sir?

Nanette Newman.

Remarkable woman.

So, Softly, how are you?

I'm not pregnant, sir.

Of course. So what's all this

We can forget about the judge.

Good. Well, done. Eliminating

Sir, it's all beginning not to make

Excellent. You're clearly getting

Remember, Softly,

don't be fooled by the facts.

If you're getting easy answers,

Right, sir.

I'll ask Rammell

You stood to lose a lot of money

As did the mayor.

Are you suggesting

between myself and the mayor?

There are suggestions that you've

It's a damned lie!

I've given him enormous sums of

Surely you don't accept that

Of course I do.

That's one way of looking at it.

The other way is to see that Ken,

would stop at nothing

Not content with turning down

he deliberately killed himself in

There's your motive, Inspector -

We're the victims here. If anyone

All very plausible, Mr Rammell.

But, naturally, you'll refuse

Not at all.

I was with friends,

playing bridge.

And who exactly were these friends?

The judge. The judge, of course.

And the mayor.

And the mayor.

The judge and the mayor.

I should've guessed. Silly me(!)

If you're looking for an alibi,

The chief inspector of police

Yes, that's a lot better. Thank you.

Now, tell me, why haven't I heard

It's probably a class thing.

Your parents never played, so you

It's not all bad, ma'am.

At least something's turned up.

Ken Jones's secret diary?

Richard Clayderman.

I knew you'd be pleased.

It's not Mellow Melodies. We thought

Thank you, Sergeant. Not at all.

You know,

"All tampons and lipstick.

"Give her a week and she'll be up

But you're different.

Do I detect a compliment, Sergeant?

Having seen you work, I can say

But I haven't solved anything.

Well, there you are, then.

Who killed you, Ken Jones?

Who killed you?

Hello. Softly..

Anything new?

Mr Henderson's

That is not an offence, Mother.

Who have I arrested? Well, nobody.

It seems the only person without

Is...

Hang on.

That's it.

How could I have been so stupid?

Of course!

Let our sacred and accepted rites

Let the great accountant of

Yea, in the name of Ozymandias,

So mote it be.

What are you doing here, Constable?

But you're doing days as well.

Where is the chief inspector?

Cos he's at 37 Old Temple Lane and

Yea, verily, our sacred lodge

Even Nanette Newman would be

I like her.

Yeah... Silence! Let us bare

So mote it be.

Then let it flow like blood.

The munificent influence of

has once again triumphed

Brother, you have done exceedingly

Good evening, Chief Inspector.

I thought I might find you here.

Hello, Mr Rammell.

M'lord.

Doctor.

Mr Editor.

Mr Mayor.

Sergeant.

Pedestrian on the crossing.

Well, gentlemen,

that I have come to the solution

Usually an investigation

After weeks of patient detection,

But this case was different.

We started with the complete picture

the pieces of the jigsaw were

The witnesses.

The motive.

The suspects.

And even the victim.

At first, I thought it

Then asphyxia by cement. Urgh.

Then a touch of the snuffles.

It seemed only a matter

But he isn't, is he? No.

He's very, very dead.

So, who could have done it?

Certainly not the suspects.

They all had a cast-iron alibi.

Suddenly, it hit me.

A chance remark in a conversation

The solution became

Why did nothing add up?

Because, gentlemen, Ken Jones's

Who killed Ken Jones?

I did.

Well, I must have, mustn't I?

I've eliminated all the other

Well, all I can say is,

and I deserve to pay my debt to

I have no option

It's a fair cop.

I'll come quietly, sir.

I was beginning to be worried about

There is one thing

Yes?

What are you all doing here?

Eh?

♪ Murder most horrid

♪ As soft as the smoke from a barrel

♪ As cold as the blade of the knife

♪ She's a stranger you'll love

♪ A caress could cost you your life

♪ And you wake in the night

♪ Wipe the sweat from your forehead

♪ Murder most horrid